Chapter Text
That night she had set out to forget, or at least distract herself a little. And what better way to distract herself than at a party at Tolkien’s house, full of hormonal teenagers and way too much alcohol?
Heidi was determined to have a good time and stop thinking about him for a few seconds, and it wasn’t because she wanted to, but because she needed to. She had to distract herself a little if she didn’t want to end up in a depression from which she was sure she wouldn’t emerge.
Today marked one week since her breakup with Butters after a five-year relationship, and she felt lost without him, as if something were missing. She had almost no tears left to shed.
After having spent that fateful week surviving between school and her bedroom, Bebe had to drag her to the party so that, at least for one night, she would try to have a good time. The blonde had texted her earlier, letting her know she would show up at her house an hour before to help her get ready and go together to Tolkien’s party.
Obviously, Heidi resisted and cried on several occasions trying to explain that she preferred to stay home. But it was no use, because Bebe dressed her anyway, redid her makeup several times—as her mascara kept running from her tears—and forced her to "forget." At least for this night.
And there she was. Sitting on a sofa, watching how everyone enjoyed themselves, bored and with her gaze fixed on the entrance.
She hoped and wished that Butters wouldn’t appear through the door, because if he did, she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She couldn’t bear to see that sweet little face or that smile that made her swoon. She couldn’t stand to hear his voice, the one that made her tremble.
And, above all, she wouldn’t be able to bear seeing him talking or laughing without her; because that only meant that she was no longer part of his world, that one they had created together for five years and that had brought her so much happiness.
"A very boring party?"
Heidi turned and saw Cartman sitting beside her, who she hadn't noticed before since she’d been focused on the door.
"Oh, hi, Eric. Just taking a breather, you?" she lied, trying to sound casual.
Cartman shrugged.
"I like it here."
She blinked, still not quite sure Eric Cartman would want to talk to her, but she was certain he was up to no good.
"Really?" she asked, feigning interest.
"Actually... that's a lie," he confessed, as he swirled his glass. "I'm here because everyone hates me and I’d rather sit somewhere I can blend in."
Heidi’s lips pressed into a thin line. Cartman, being vulnerable? It was surely one of his ploys.
"I see..." She rubbed the back of her neck with discomfort. "I think I'll go to the—"
"Do you want to get a drink?" he interrupted her hurriedly.
Heidi turned back toward the door and raised an eyebrow in disbelief, surprised at herself for even considering the offer. She looked at Cartman again and, upon meeting his expression of interest, hesitated.
"Well... maybe—"
"Perfect!" he exclaimed without letting her finish, before she could change her mind.
He linked his arm through hers and led her toward the kitchen.
"What are you having?" he asked, leaning toward the row of alcohol bottles on the countertop.
She shrugged, looking around.
"The same as you," she replied.
Her eyes scanned the surroundings while nerves ran through her body, prey to the constant fear that someone would see her with Eric Cartman. Suddenly, he leaned into her space, closing the gap between them, and Heidi recoiled on instinct, blindsided by his audacity.
"Alright," he replied with a glint in his eyes. "Let's see if you can handle more than one..."
Heidi grimaced, confused by his reaction, while Cartman filled two glasses with the contents of a bottle she didn't recognize.
"Great! Here you go," he told her, handing her the glass.
Heidi's eyes went wide at the strange drink, and then she looked at him with suspicion.
"What is it?" she asked, peering into the glass with caution.
"It’s tequila. You like it?" he replied immediately, giving her a radiant smile.
She blinked, still confused by his strange behavior.
"I've never tried it," she replied, swirling the glass, watching the liquid slosh from side to side.
Cartman's lips curled into a satisfied smile.
"Well, let me show you how it's done," he told her, sounding smug. "Close your fist."
Cartman poured the salt onto the back of her hand while Heidi watched him, totally stunned, still not knowing if he was trying to poison her or if the drink contained something strange.
"Right, and here are the limes. Just do the same as me."
He licked the salt, downed the tequila in one gulp, and bit the lime, all under Heidi's bewildered gaze.
"What the hell...?" Heidi blurted out with surprise.
He laughed at her reaction.
"Come on," he said, giving her a gentle nudge. "Your turn."
He drank from the same bottle and licked the salt too, so I guess I’ll be fine...
She shrugged and followed his lead. Upon biting the lime, her face crinkled completely, causing him to let out a roar of laughter.
"You did great!" he congratulated her, clapping with enthusiasm.
Heidi gave him a playful bow and Cartman's gaze lit up as he uncorked the bottle again.
"Do you want another?"
Seeing him so into it, she nodded, accepting the challenge while a mischievous smile spread across her face.
"Why not? I’ll pour this one," she replied to him, lining the glasses up on the countertop.
Cartman put his hands in his pockets and gave her a challenging look, arching an eyebrow.
"Suit yourself, but then I’ll have to pour the next one."
This time, she nudged him in the arm, and he rubbed it with a feigned grimace, as if it had actually hurt him.
They drank the first glass in one gulp and didn't take long to pour the next one. The alcohol went down smoother and smoother until the bottle was finished, and that was when they decided to go out to the garden to get some air.
Bebe was in a corner sucking face with Clyde when she saw Heidi come out of the house clinging to Cartman’s arm. Too drunk to intervene, she simply shrugged and pressed Clyde's head harder against her lips.
"God... I don't know if I'm going to throw up, Eric," Heidi said, the cool air hitting her face.
"R... really?" His whole body shook with a sudden hiccup. "Just let it out anywhere. It doesn't matter, we're outside," he told her, waving a hand dismissively.
Barely a few seconds later, Cartman scanned his surroundings with a look of total confusion to verify they were actually outside, nodding to himself once he confirmed he hadn't lied.
Suddenly, the dry sound of Heidi heaving made him jump. Focussing his vision, he found her with one hand pressed firmly against a tree trunk, bent over and retching.
"Hold on...!" he slurred.
He stumbled toward her, erratic and unsteady, and reached out to hold her hair back.
"You’re in deep shit, Heidi," he mocked her gleefully while she remained hunched over.
Heidi’s shoulders shook with a laugh choked between retches.
"Shut up!" she exclaimed, striking the air as she tried to swat him on the arm.
Heidi stumbled back clumsily to avoid the mess, but it was too late; her shoes were soaked. A wave of nausea threatened to force Cartman to join her, and he quickly pinched his nose shut, eyes squeezed tight to fight the urge.
"Come on, Heidiii!" he groaned, still with his eyes closed. "If you keep going like that, I’m gonna..."
But the nausea won, and he ended up heaving beside her, which made Heidi hunch over again to expel the last of what was in her stomach.
"What the hell is this, a vomiting contest? That’s fucking gross!"
Kenny covered his mouth, disgusted by the disturbing scene.
"Shut up, Kenny!" Cartman snapped, still holding Heidi’s hair while fighting his own nausea.
"Do you guys want some tissues?" Kenny asked, rummaging through his pockets.
Heidi nodded, and Kenny handed her one, pulling his hand away quickly to avoid touching her.
"Give me one too..." Cartman grunted.
"Thanks, Kenny," Heidi said, wiping her mouth with the tissue.
Cartman raised an eyebrow at Kenny, surprised to see him looking so fresh.
"Dude, why don't you look drunk?"
Kenny shrugged with his hands in his pockets.
"I decided I don't want to get drunk anymore."
Heidi laughed exaggeratedly, without any context, and both of them looked at her, bewildered.
"Kenny," Heidi said, staggering until she rested her forehead on his shoulder, "we're bored."
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Cartman exclaimed, imitating her action and occupying Kenny's other shoulder. "Are you implying I'm boring?"
Heidi turned to look at him, still leaning on Kenny.
"Yes, you are," she teased him brazenly.
Cartman glared at her with narrowed eyes.
"Really? And what would you say if I did this?"
He ran his hand over the back of her neck, pulling her in brusquely, and planted a kiss on her. Heidi opened her eyes in astonishment, but closed them a few seconds later, holding his chin to immobilize him and devour his lips.
Kenny's jaw dropped as he watched them kissing desperately while still leaning on his shoulders. He tried to pull back, but Cartman wrapped his arm around him, preventing him from escaping.
"No, dude, stay like that, we're comfortable," Cartman blurted out, before seeking Heidi's lips again.
"This is fucking gross! You guys smell like vomit, for fuck's sake!" Kenny exclaimed, struggling to break free.
As they kissed, the rancid stench rose into Kenny's nostrils, triggering retching due to the mixture of alcohol and bile emanating from the pair.
"Shit! Either you stop right now or I'll vomit all over you, I'm not joking!"
Heidi and Cartman smiled at Kenny's desperation, ignoring the warning, until he couldn't take it anymore and the hot liquid slid over their faces.
Cartman pulled away instantly, totally disgusted, feeling his stomach turn again. He looked at Heidi, and upon seeing that she hadn't flinched, he was left completely flabbergasted.
"I warned you, fatass!" Kenny rebuked him, wiping himself with the tissue while holding Heidi, who could no longer stay on her feet by herself.
"What a disaster, Heidi..." Cartman muttered.
He snatched the tissue from Kenny to wipe Heidi's face, while Kenny closed his eyes, enduring the nausea.
"Kenny... you're very handsome, did you know that?" Heidi blurted out suddenly.
A long snort of weariness escaped from Cartman's lips. He carefully grabbed Heidi and leaned her against his shoulder.
"I'll take care of her."
Cartman draped Heidi's arm over his neck and walked toward the house while Kenny followed close behind.
"Can you let Tolkien know to let us have a room?"
Kenny opened his mouth in surprise and pointed an accusing finger at him.
"What?! I knew it! You're a son of a bitch, I knew it was really weird seeing you with her."
"Dude, don't get things twisted," Cartman warned him with a glare. "It's just until her drunkenness passes. I don't want her to be seen like this, passed out on a sofa."
Kenny’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.
"Right, and are you telling me that Cartman is a good Samaritan and would do something like that just for charity?"
Cartman shrugged.
"I didn’t say you should leave us alone. In fact, I need to calm down too. It would be good for you to keep an eye on both of us."
Kenny raised an eyebrow. That was better than leaving him alone with her, so he agreed.
"Fine, I'll make sure no one sees you going up. I don't think Tolkien is going to let three people covered in vomit use his rooms."
"Touché," Cartman replied, readjusting Heidi's weight on his shoulder.
While Kenny kept watch to ensure Tolkien suspected nothing, Cartman dragged Heidi up the stairs, clumsily dodging the people who were still sprawled across the steps.
He stumbled down the dark hallway while Heidi moved forward with her eyes closed, hanging from his neck. They entered Tolkien's parents' room, and he laid her down on the bed with total gentleness, as if he were handling something fragile and delicate.
He took his phone out of his pocket and texted Kenny:
Eric: Done. Coming up? We're in his parents' room.
It only took Kenny a few seconds to reply:
Kenny: Ok.
When Kenny walked in, Heidi was lying comfortably under the sheets. He saw the bathroom light spilling out from under the door and knocked softly.
"Come in," Cartman's voice replied from inside.
"I need to rinse my mouth out, too," Kenny said, shoving his hands under the stream of water in desperation.
Cartman stepped back as he felt himself getting splashed, wrinkling his nose in disgust. Kenny looked up to meet his eyes in the mirror, water still dripping down his chin, and gave him a look heavy with suspicion.
"Fine... why would Eric Cartman be vomiting against a tree next to Heidi Turner?"
Cartman shrugged with indifference.
"We ran into each other and had some tequilas. That's all."
"Dude, you lunged at her to kiss her while you were leaning on my shoulder," he pointed at his shoulders with his thumbs. "It's clear that's what you wanted to do from the very beginning."
Cartman shrugged again, this time drying his hands on a clean towel.
"Yeah, she's gorgeous. Who wouldn't want to?"
"Anyone could, but not you, man. You’re going to give her a trauma when her drunkenness wears off."
"You're a great friend, not offensive at all and very charming," Cartman snapped at him, patting his back increasingly harder.
"You know what I'm talking about, Cartman."
He stopped just before crossing the door and turned his face slightly toward Kenny, looking at him out of the corner of his eye over his shoulder.
"Sometimes, even fucking Eric Cartman needs to feel like a normal teenager. Even if it's just for a few hours..."
Cartman sat on the floor, leaning his back against the foot of the bed, and Kenny sat down beside him.
"Hey, I didn't mean that..." Kenny muttered.
"It doesn't matter. Actually, you're right."
Kenny turned to watch Heidi, who was sleeping peacefully.
"She is too much for any mortal, Cartman."
"At least I kissed her."
"Yeah, vomit and all," Kenny laughed, until he had a coughing fit.
Cartman turned to look at her too.
"Even so... her lips were very sweet."
"Dude, forget it. Or better yet: forget her."
"Whatever you say. Hey, we should wake her up so she can clear her head a little."
Kenny nodded as he watched Cartman stand up and walk over to her. He sat down cautiously beside her, as if he were afraid to wake her when, precisely, that was the goal.
"Heidi, come on, wake up," he whispered.
She groaned, shifting on the mattress, and Cartman smiled like a fool. He placed his hand on her arm and shook her gently.
"Hey, you have to wake up."
Heidi groaned, opening her eyes slowly, and upon seeing Cartman in front of her, she gripped the sheet tightly.
"Eric! What are we doing here?" she asked, alarmed, craning her neck to look around.
"Hey!" Kenny greeted her, waving from the floor.
Heidi's eyes widened as she shifted her gaze from one boy to the other and gripped the sheet tighter. She lifted the fabric in slow motion with a frown and let out a long sigh upon verifying that she was still dressed.
"I know it looks weird... two guys in a room with a girl who is asleep, defenseless in the..."
Cartman stopped when he saw Heidi's expression change from astonishment to pure horror. He cleared his throat and started again:
"You threw up, and we brought you here to sober up before you go home. We didn't want the whole party to see you like that."
Heidi looked at Kenny, seeking validation.
"It's true. And I'm here watching the fatass so he doesn't try anything weird."
Cartman glared at him and Kenny shrugged.
"Well... Thanks, guys. I need to go to the bathroom for a second," Heidi said, getting up with shaky legs.
When the door closed, Cartman ran over to Kenny to smack him on the back of the neck.
"Ouch!"
"Dude, you made me look like a creep," Cartman whispered, looking toward the door.
"Sorry, it came out naturally."
Cartman brought his fist up to his face as if to punch him, but he hid it behind his back as soon as Heidi came out of the bathroom.
"I'm covered in vomit, even in my hair... and I have a feeling Eric held it for me."
"That was Kenny!" Cartman quickly added with a stupid grin. "She puked on both of our faces."
This time it was Kenny who glared at Cartman, but he only blew him a kiss in response.
Heidi shrugged and decided it was better not to look into the details of that disaster.
"Guys, I feel better. I'm still dizzy, but throwing up helped clear my head a little."
Kenny jumped up and brushed his pants off with his hands.
"Seems like it. Are we leaving, Cartman?"
But he didn't respond and kept looking at Heidi in a way that made her feel uncomfortable.
"You guys can stay if you want... maybe what I said was misinterpreted..."
Kenny coughed on purpose and motioned with his head for Cartman to move.
"Alright, Heidi, we have to go. See you Monday at school," Cartman replied dejectedly.
Kenny was the first to leave, but when Cartman tried to follow him, she ran toward him.
"Eric!"
He turned around so fast that his neck popped.
"Yeah?"
"I don't have your number. Can I add you?"
Before Heidi even finished the sentence, Cartman already had his phone in his hand.
Kenny rolled his eyes.
Heidi, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
When they finished, Kenny wanted to step ahead to avoid seeing another disgusting vomit-kiss. But instead, he felt Heidi’s hand pull on his sleeve.
"And yours, Kenny?"
Kenny’s eyes widened and his hand moved automatically to take out his phone. Meanwhile, Cartman crossed his arms, glaring at him with absolute contempt.
"What?" asked Kenny, shifting in his seat with discomfort, after having been under Cartman's gaze for nearly thirty minutes.
"What do you mean 'what'?" Cartman snapped at him, giving him a look of hatred. "You tell me she's 'too much for any mortal,' but you sure didn't hesitate to get her number."
Kenny shrugged, trying to downplay it even while knowing he was in the wrong.
"Dude, it was her who asked me for it."
"But you said... you know what? It doesn't matter."
Cartman stood up grumbling and disappeared for a few moments, until he returned with a couple of beer bottles.
"Here, your beer," he said half-heartedly, dropping it into his lap and hitting him in the balls.
"God, Cartman!" Kenny groaned as he felt an unbearable pain spreading through his crotch.
Cartman shrugged, amused, and tipped the bottle back, draining half of it in one gulp, earning a death glare from Kenny.
"I like her, you know?" Cartman blurted out suddenly.
Kenny snorted, rolling his eyes.
"And me, and that guy," he pointed with his bottle at a random boy, "and that one, that one, and... that one over there, the one with hair like a palm tree."
Cartman snorted as well.
"You're an idiot. And I'm being serious."
"Me too," Kenny replied, tipping his bottle back and smiling against the glass.
Cartman's face sank into his hands and the beer slipped from his grip, shattering against the floor and soaking his pants.
Kenny blinked a few times while watching the pathetic scene before drinking again.
"Dude, there is no way you're going to make me believe you have good intentions with her. You're the fucking Eric Cartman."
The look of sadness Cartman gave him as he turned around made his heart sink.
"You're right, man. I'd better get home."
He stood up in silence and went out the door, leaving Kenny with the bottle in his hands, unable to react.