Chapter Text
—Beatrice has a problem.
A really, really important problem, in fact: her contractor's extremely confusing relationship with the half-elf.
It isn't as if her Subaru and the half-elf hate each other or anything, no. What causes her concern is the glacial, glacial pace of their romantic development. It had been a few months since the Sanctuary—their first kiss, for goodness's sake—and there hasn't been any more realizations!
Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, as she could have just waited for their relationship to progress smoothly. However, half-elves could live up to centuries; she still weeps when remembering Himmel from "Frieren: Beyond Journey's End," despite only hearing the story relayed from her contractor. In short, it was possible that her Subaru could pass on before the half-elf even got close to realizing that what she feels is love for him.
If things progressed as they were, it was unlikely that her contractor would even have offspring!
Today's breakfast had only caused her even more concern, showing how slow their relationship's pace truly was.
Crouched alone inside Subaru's closet at the moment, Beatrice winces, remembering the terrifying lack of romantic knowledge the half-elf has.
This morning...
"Knock it off, Subaru~!" Emilia playfully pushed Subaru, who was pouring many, many green peppirs onto her plate.
"Come on, Emilia-tan! If you don't eat enough peppirs, you'll get all big and fat! Although, I wouldn't mind having even more EMT to love, hehe..."
The other camp members watched in silence. Petra and Ram held a death glare aimed towards Emilia and Subaru respectfully, while Frederica and Otto cheered mentally at their progress.
The other camp members watched in silence, with the sole exception of Garfiel, of course.
"Ay, Cap'n. Are ya'll boyfriend n' girlfriend now, or wha—Mmpfh!?"
Otto covered Garfiel's mouth, muffling his oh-so-very-important question. The look he got from Frederica warned Garfiel not to say anything more.
"G-Garfiel!?" Subaru recoiled at the sudden question.
"Garfiel, Subaru is a boy, right? And I think it's re~ally obvious he's my friend—it would be surprising if we weren't friends, after all."
...
Ram snorts. "Barusu, Baru Su Baru Su Baru Suba. Rusu Ba Ru Su Ba Rusu Baru Su, Barusu. Hah."
At Emilia's response, Garfiel tried to hold back a laugh, while Otto tried to maintain his stoic expression and hold back a grin. The look they both got from Frederica warned them not to say anything more. Petra silently prayed to Buddha, God, and Od Lagna to keep Emilia dimwitted until Tappei gets to at least Arc 9.
"Hk—! Emilia-tan, that response somehow stings more than Nee-sama's, but a man's heart never yields!"
"You're hurt, Subaru!? Where?"
"...But a man's heart never yields!"
—You can see why that response was unfortunate.
Fortunately, Beatrice has a solution. Hidden inside of her contractor's closet, with only a quill, some parchment, and a dimly lit candle, she has already made the best plans possible for him to crack: a term she had picked up from a vent Subaru had at night about his relationship. She has no clue what it means, but it probably means court.
And if her contractor wants to court the half elf, then she would become the ultimate wingman for her contractor and get him together with the half-elf, on her pride as a spirit.
She laughs wickedly at her ingenious plans, already roughly drafted out on the parchment. Picking up her quill, she continues to tweak her plans, which were the best plans ever planne—
*creeeak*
"—Beatrice-sama?"
"Eep!"
Beatrice turns around in shock, her secret closet planning place having been found out by Frederica.
"M-Maid! Why are you in Subaru's room, I wonder!?"
"Ram barely bothered to sweep the dust in his room, so I took up the task, but while cleaning I heard some scurrying and giggling from inside here."
"Giggling!? Betty was having a villainous laugh, in fact!"
"I heard some scurrying and wicked laughter from inside here."
Beatrice nods. "Better, I suppose."
"What are you doing here, Beatrice-sama?" Frederica tilts her head, looking past Beatrice and at the parchment. "Are you writing down anything important there?"
At this, Beatrice immediately tries to shield the parchment, unknowingly knocking over ink in the process. "Well, ah...! Betty was just doing some homework, in fact!"
"I can see the words 'relationship goals' and 'EmiSuba,' Beatrice-sama. You're trying to get Emilia-sama and Subaru-sama together, correct?"
Beatrice sighs. "Yes, yes. You've figured out my evil plan, I suppose. What else do you want, I wonder?"
"What do you mean?" Frederica says with a smirk.
"You're still here for a reason, in fact. What is it, I wonder?"
"To help," Frederica asks plainly.
"What?"
Frederica puts a finger to her chin. "You see, 'EmiSuba' is simply a romantic masterclass; top five ships of all time, if I must say, and I've seen a plethora of fics—I am a "romantic," per se. Unfortunately, the pacing of the ship in canon simply just won't do. In fact, I—"
"Twenty words or less, maid."
"In short, I have this!" Frederica pulls out the holy grail of 'EmiSuba,' a journal titled "Every Lone Star Ev—"
"—Wait, wrong journal, my apologies. I actually have this!" Frederica pulls out the real holy Grail of 'EmiSuba,' a journal titled "1000 Ways for Emilia-sama and Subaru-sama to Deepen Their Relationship."
"Let Betty take a look at that, I suppose." Beatrice reaches for the book, but Frederica pulls it back last second.
"Only if you let me help, Beatrice-sama."
"Why do you want to help so bad, I wonder?"
"I am quite interested in seeing their romance play out in real time, after all."
"...Fine. Betty does need some help with her plans, in fact."
"Deal!" Frederica hands Beatrice the journal. Beatrice opens it, expecting to find some good advice or romance scenes they can realistically set up for Emilia and Subaru.
"Betty wonders, why do you need so much—oh my Od." Her volume drastically drops while saying that last part.
...
"Ah, Beatrice-sama...why is your face so pale?"
Beatrice slowly turns her head up, looking at Frederica.
"You're asking why Betty's face is pale after handing her a journal with a thousand pages of smut!? How do you even write that much, I wonder!? Let alone about a relationship that isn't even established yet!?"
"Passion, Beatrice-sama. Passion."
Beatrice puts a hand to her head. "Od..."
"Besides," Frederica notes, "wouldn't these things deepen their relationship?"
Beatrice deadpans. "You do know that the half-elf doesn't know...nevermind, I suppose. This is going to take a long while, in fact." She pats at the open space next to her. "Come and sit, maid. Betty permits you to help. We have a lot to d—BETTY'S PLANS!?"
Her parchment paper was completely doused in ink from when she knocked it over, ruining every single in-depth plan she had.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I SUPPOOOOOOOOOOSE!"
"Don't worry, Beatrice-sama! If needed, I have other—"
"—Shut up, maid." Frederica wilts.
This really is going to take a long while.
"To start, Betty thinks Subaru should use flashcards to woo the half-elf, I suppose. If he shows her his effort by holding them out while reading from them, she will be completely infatuated with him."
"Beatrice-sama, you think flashcards are going to work?"
"Why wouldn't they, maid?"
"Flashcards for cliche pickup lines, you mean?"
"It worked in the romance stories Mother—"
"—That was 400 years ago."
"W-Well, the half-elf is that old, too, according to some theories!"
"No, Beatrice-sama. Emilia-sama is not the Witch of Envy."
Beatrice pouts, disagreeing but not willing to waste time arguing. "You're right, I suppose. What else do you suggest, I wonder?"
"...For Subaru-sama to memorize the pickup lines we give him?"
"Wait...you're right, in fact! Subaru can do that, I suppose!" Frederica awes Beatrice with her ingenious plan.
Frederica deadpans. "Beatrice-sama, of course Subaru can remember a few words."
"Why, of course! Betty's contractor can do anything, in fact!"
"No, that's not what I—"
"Come on, maid! We must start writing pickup lines for Betty's contractor to use, I suppose." Frederica sighs, knowing that pushing won't get her any further.
Beatrice tears the single empty page from Frederica's 1,001 page-long journal full of smut. She tears that page further, into six different cards.
"This is the smallest Betty can get the cards while still making them readable, I suppose." She hands three cards to Frederica while tossing her a pencil to write with.
Catching it, Frederica asks, "Beatrice-sama, what is this?"
"I found this utensil in my contractor's jersey's pocket, I suppose. Don't worry too much about it, maid, just write."
Frederica watches as Beatrice already starts writing down some lines for Subaru to use.
Well, I suppose it won't do any harm if I add some of my ideas, she thinks.
And so, Frederica writes some of the most innocent pickup lines that can ever be made by a living being.
As for Beatrice's lines, unfortunately—
Do you believe in love at first-sight, or must I walk past you once more, my dear Emilia-tan?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, my dear Emilia-tan?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you, my dear Emilia-tan?
Considering how the half-elf is definitely the witch sent forward in time, she should fall for these instantly, in fact.
—Beatrice forgets that these lines were only said in romance books 400 years ago, and that Emilia is not Satella. Beatrice also forgets how repetitive the last part of each line is. Seriously? 'My dear Emilia-tan?'
She wraps up her writing on all three cards. "Perfect, I suppose. Subaru is certain to woo the half-elf with these. Maid, are you finished yet, I wonder?"
"I've just finished, Beatrice-sama." Frederica holds up her three cards.
"Good, good." Beatrice pulls out an emptied-out tissue box. "Now, put them in here. We'll store them for my contractor to memorize, I suppose."
"Beatrice-sama, what is that?"
"I found this box in my contractor's jersey's pocket, I suppose. Don't worry too much about it, maid, just put the cards in."
Frederica obliges, not bothering to ask what's inside as it'd be waved over anyways. As long as Beatrice doesn't check and make her redo her cards, after all.
Beatrice puts her own cards in after and shakes the box for dramatic effect.
"Well, maid, Betty thinks this plan will prove to work quite nicely, I suppose."
"I do agree, Beatrice-sama. I think these cards will do Subaru-sama well in his grueling, arduous, backbreaking endeavor to get with Emilia-sama."
"...You're doing too much, I suppose, but yes, Betty agrees."
*creeeak*
The closet door opens. Ram looks down at Frederica and Beatrice, crouching on the closet floor with spilled ink and pieces of paper scattered all over the floor.
"Beatrice-sama, Frederica. Ram would like to ask what you two are doing wasting all this paper and ink, in Barusu's closet no less, but Ram doesn't want to spend a minute longer in Barusu's room. Frederica, Ram leaves it to you to clean up here."
"Hk—! Perhaps you could help me, Beatrice-sa—?"
Beatrice rushes out of the room as fast as she can.
"...Ram? May you help me, please?" Frederica uses the move "puppy eyes," praying that this fic is secretly FredeRam.
Ram walks out of the room at a leisurely pace. This fic is not secretly FredeRam.
Frederica sighs. "This will take me ages to clean..."
Beatrice makes sure that there's no one behind her before taking a moment of respite.
Still grasping the box, she sighs in relief. "Haa...if Betty had to scrub that ink out of the carpet, Betty would've lost her mind, in fact...!"
She silently prays to Od Lagna, thanking them for being too lazy to write.
She takes a look at the box in her hands, before making her way to the front door—this time, at a calmer pace. "Now that every card is in, Betty just has to tell my contractor to find the half-elf and follow what the cards say. Everything should be just fine, in fact."
Everything will not go "just fine."
