Chapter Text
I woke up alone. As usual. I was of course used to waking up alone, I hadn’t slept in the same bed as someone since that one night when I had to share a bed with Stratt. And that was years ago. I’ve been (awake) in space for three years, one of them spent finding the cure for Astrophage, the other two had been heading to Erid. I had distracted myself from the complete boredom by mastering Minecraft redstone, 300%ing Batman, coding half of a website I had the idea for on earth before remembering that I wouldn’t be able to use it without anyone to connect to.
I had done pretty well with distractions for myself. Rocky had been rather successful in his own distractions, learning human biology to better take care of me, and synthesizing a way they could get me the nutrients I needed when they reached Erid. I had enough food to make it to Erid and then for a few months after that, but then I would run out. So they had to figure out a way to make me food. I wasn’t exactly worried, there wasn’t anything I could really do to help, so I instead went on to keep distractions high.
But now I am bored, which is normal. But I was ruminating on my thoughts. Not normal. I usually avoid that. And I was sitting in silence, the only sound the background noise of the Hail Mary. I hate silence.
I had been interested in going on an EVA walk, despite how much they make me nervous, because I was so bored. And stars are so gorgeous.
“Rocky will not stop Grace, but it might take some of our time, we’d have to slow the ship down a lot, so if you’re interested in taking half a month longer, be my guest.”
I did not do a space walk.
Instead I laid in bed, absently thinking about the things I could do that day. You could do some experiments, you could play some games Stratt had pirated, or you could read or watch a movie. The choices were limited.
Then all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe and none of the breaths I was taking were enough. My lungs were full but it was wrong. I sat up quickly, the sensation stopping immediately.
”Grace’s heart rate was slow, it just escalated. What happened, question?”
I felt bad for worrying Rocky, so I went to reassure him that it was normal. But I couldn’t honestly tell him that not being able to breathe, which sent me into a panic, was normal.
”I don’t know.” I said, swinging my legs around to get off my bunk, but I was so tired. I got up anyway and started to pace. I was restless, but tired. I couldn’t hold still, but I couldn’t keep moving, neither were satisfactory.
“Grace pacing. Stress response, question?” Rocky’s voice wasn’t unkind, but it seemed kind of worried. It made me mad. Why was he worried about me?
“I don’t know!” I said it sternly, but I didn’t know why. It felt like the type of voice I used when my students would not stop talking when I’d asked them four times to be quiet.
Rocky tapped his claw on the floor, and pressed another to the Xenonite wall.
“Is Grace okay, question?”
”I said I don’t know, stop asking me!” I yelled.
Rocky took a step back before stepping forward again.
“Grace is stressed, question?”
I rubbed my arms. “I think so?” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know why I’m so bothered right now.” I scratched my arms.
“Grace exhibiting stress responses. What Grace think about, question?” Rocky asked.
“Just possible things I could do today!” I ran my hand through my hair. It was hard to focus.
“Breathe, Grace.”
I took a deep breath, before I relaxed. All of my muscles were so tight. I wondered if Armando had a massage program.
“I think I’ll go back to bed.” I slumped as I said it. I felt pathetic.
”Grace just woke up!” Rocky fired back.
“I know. I’m tired.” I sat back down on my bunk. “Watch me sleep?”
Rocky tapped anxiously on the floor, but nodded nonetheless. “Will watch.”
I nodded and fell back asleep.
This went on for a week or two, more and more irritation on my part as time went by. I felt madder every time that I scratched at my arms.
“What wrong Grace?” Rocky asked, taking his hands out of the xenonite gloves.
“I don’t know.” I rubbed my hands on my arms before realizing… I couldn’t feel it. I rubbed my arms again, trying to circulate my blood, and I could barely feel it. I scratched my skin and I felt the warmth of blood rushing to the contact, but I couldn’t feel my own nails. “What Grace doing?” I scratched and I saw skin starting to show blood rising to the surface, but I couldn’t feel it. I kept scratching until I pulled back, seeing blood under my nails, coming out of the scratches I had caused.
“Grace! Why did you do that, question?” Rocky got into his ball and rolled over to me, tapping me angrily, but softly. I touched his ball and felt it, but was mostly out of it. Rocky tapped his carapace to the roof of his ball and the warmth bloomed through my hand. It was nice. The touch-
My eyes shot open. “No way.” I am a scientist. I knew that hypothesis were meant to be proven wrong. I hoped that I was wrong. I stood quickly and sprinted to the computer screen, tapping in my symptoms. My answer came up, confirming my hypothesis.
“I’m just touch starved.” I sat back in my chair, leaning backward while I fought tears.
I was forced off earth, the people around me dying before we reached Tau-Ceti, and I was alone. I had gotten used to it. I’m at peace with it most of the time.
Right now was not one of those times.
My tears fell as I thought about the situation at hand. I would never be able to fix this problem, because I would never touch another human again. I would never see another human again. My kids, my friends, nobody.
Tears rolled down my face. I hiccuped as snot started to drip from my nose, and I wiped the snot off my nose, I would wash my hands later, I wish I had tissues in the lab.
”Just touch starved.” My voice was soft, but I knew Rocky could hear me through the entire ship. Rocky finally got up to the lab, where I had been sitting after climbing the ladders to get up.
“What new words mean, question? I know those words meanings, but I don’t understand that order.” Rocky asked. He turned his carapace 15 degrees like a confused puppy. He had picked it up from me I think.
I wiped my eyes. “Humans are extremely sensitive to touch. They need to make contact with other humans for their health. In fact human kids need to be held by their mothers skin to skin sometimes, it’s healthy for the baby.” I ran a hand over my face. “And I’ve been on my own for over seven years. Four of them in a coma.” I sighed, curling up into myself, shifting onto the floor. “I’m never gonna touch another human again.”
Rocky rapped against the ground of his ball again. “Rocky will fix.” He bobbed his carapace and turned, starting to climb back down the handles in his tunnel.
My head shot up. “Rocky, you can’t fix this without human help. I’m the only human here.” I held my hands out and gestured to the entire room, empty other than the two of us.
Rocky nodded his carapace. “Rocky will fix.”
————
It was a very hard thing to make surprises in a small space, but a large curtain was somehow set up by the time I had finished washing my hands and climbed back down to the dormitory. All of my clothes and other items that had been in the bed part of the dormitory had been displaced. It was right around my bed, but it seemed tightened, and I saw heard a little noise coming from inside of the little makeshift room. Rocky was on my side of the dormitory? No wonder all of my items were off my bed. The mattress had been made, so it seemed like I was going to be sleeping on the floor. Great.
————
I was playing another game, it was easy for me to be distracted, it had been harder before, but as I was getting used to feeling numb it was was less hard. I was getting used to it, but my emotions were getting more difficult to control. I was irritated a lot, but Rocky had left me by myself for the past two days, so I really only had myself to be mad at.
I heard Rocky’s ball knocking on the floor and turned around quickly, pausing the game and jumping up. “Rock!” I was happy to see him, but I was also upset he left me for so long. “I missed you!” I pushed my face into his ball, gathering him into a hug, which he quickly leaned into.
“Rocky surprise all done!” He did jazz hands and tapped the ball. “Come! Come!”
I followed him as he practically sprinted to the dormitory. I ran after him. I saw a reveal of my bed, it looked the same. But the place where he sat to watch me looked different. It seemed more blurry, like when I tried to see up close without my glasses.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Sit on bed! Sit!”
I sat.
“I don’t understand how this is relevant to-“ My words were cut off by the unmistakable feel of being touched. It felt like a human’s finger touching me experimentally.
I jumped back, turning my head to look at Rocky. He had one finger, pushed through the usually tough xenonite, textured with what I now know is a human skin-like texture. How he knew what it felt like I can only imagine. How did he manage this? He was a genius!
I immediately jumped into his carapace, and you’d think feeling skin on his carapace would be weird, or creepy, but I swear, it felt so normal I couldn’t stand it. It was nice. So nice. Probably the best feeling in the entire world.
Then he wrapped two of his arms around me. It was soft, like he was practicing how hard I could handle being hugged.
Nevermind, this is the best feeling in the entire world. I cried then, the feeling of his arms holding me, I couldn’t stop crying.
He moved to bring me closer to him, wrapping another arm around my waist, pulling my whole body onto him. He had probably heard me shaking. He placed his hand on my back, and I guided it under my shirt. “Closer.” I could barely whisper. I was so close I could feel his heat, it felt like my fifth grade teacher, when she had learned of my parent’s car crash. She had held me. Just held me as I sobbed. I had felt so crushed, and so alone. She held me.
Now Rocky was my anchor. He was holding me, his warmth directly on my skin. He started to softly brush his hand against my back. The sensation was so intense, I got goosebumps. It was Rocky. He was holding me. I was being held.
He rubbed soft circles on my back, and I could feel my breath hitch. My heartbeat was pounding and I felt it everywhere his claws touched. I felt it. It was warm, and soft, but rigid and strong.
Then I felt his hand reach into my hair. A sob choked from my chest, deep and guttural. My eyes were long since closed, tears continuing to flow down my cheeks.
He pressed his warm fingers against my scalp, and I gasped. He massaged my scalp and I couldn’t think about anything but the touch of his hand on my back, his fingers touching my skull, and the rest of his carapace flush against as much of my body as I could reach. It was hard for me to feel the full warmth through my suit, I would note that when I changed into pajamas I would have to wear shorts and a t-shirt.
”Grace starved still, question?”
I didn’t know what to say.
“This is helping.” I nodded. “Definitely helping.” My muscles released a lot, and I was overcome with exhaustion. I leaned all of my weight onto him.
Rocky moved to get more comfortable, taking my weight easily.
”Watch…” I trailed off as I asked him.
He raked another hand across my back. “Rocky will watch Grace sleep.”
I let myself fall into unconsciousness. For the first time in a long time I felt comfortable sleeping.