Archive of Our Own

“Oh fuck, there—there—there, I’m gonna come, please, please,” Shane whimpers as Ilya fucks him from behind.

“Come for me, fuck, Shane, I’m close too, fuck, come for me,” and Ilya does his best to keep doing exactly what’s working for Shane.

“I’m right there— oh god, I’m fucking coming,” Shane moans as he thrusts himself back onto Ilya’s cock and clenches hard.

“Me too, I’m about to— where do you want it?”

“In me, in me, fuck Ilya I’m still coming, fuck, in me baby, don’t pull out, fuck,” Shane groans and then Ilya is gripping Shane’s hips hard and pushing in as far as he can go as he comes with a loud moan.

“Fuck,” Shane sighs. He reaches down between where he’s planked on the bed and where the designated sex towel now sits, covered in come, and folds the towel over so there’s a clean spot. Then he collapses forward.

“I’ll get a cloth,” Ilya says before kissing Shane on the shoulder.

“No, no, just stay with me.”

So Ilya collapses on top of his sweaty husband like a 200 pound equally sweaty weighted blanket.

“Was that good for you?”

Shane gives him a happy little sigh and a thumbs up. “So good. Fuck I came so hard.”

“Mmm. Me too.” Ilya tilts Shane’s face to the side and kisses a pink freckled cheek. “All these years and it’s still so good.”

Eventually, Ilya does go and get a cloth so he can give them both a cursory wipe down. When he comes back into the bedroom, Shane is lying on his back with his arms crossed behind his head and his eyes closed. His cock is soft against his thigh, his abs are sweat-sticky and he instinctively opens his legs for Ilya to do a quick wipe down.

After, Ilya lies against Shane’s side and runs his fingers up and down Shane’s chest. “I was thinking about something.”

Shane just nods. He’s so fucked out.

“Last week when you were away, I jerked off.”

“Good.”

“Yes, but I wanted to tell you what I was thinking about. What made me come.”

Shane’s eyes open. “Oh? Something new to try?”

Ilya is silent for a second.

“What? Is it super nasty?” Shane gives Ilya a mischievous grin.

“Uh… no.” Ilya swallows like he’s choosing his next words very carefully. “I came, uh, thinking about you fucking me.”

“Oh.”

“We don’t have to do it. Of course.”

“Right,” Shane says flatly.

“But I guess when I watch you come like that, it makes me curious. I have never been fucked like that.”

Shane nods. “Yeah. Well. I’ve never fucked a man before.”

“It’s not too different to fucking a girl, maybe a little, but I was thinking if I only get fucked by one person in my whole life, I’d want it to be you.”

“Huh. Right.” Shane says, still flatly.

“And you’ve fucked girls before,” Ilya continues, “so you’re halfway to knowing what to do, and I guess it just made me so curious. Anyways. We don’t have to, it was just—”

Shane turns his face away from Ilya and clenches his jaw.

“Shane?”

Shane shakes his head.

“That’s fine. Like I said we don’t have to, I was just telling you what made me come.”

Shane shakes his head again and his shoulders shake ever so slightly against Ilya’s. A tiny tear escapes his eye and he quickly reaches to wipe it away.

“Shane? Oh my god. Shane,” Ilya puts his hands under Shane’s beefy thighs and scoops him onto his lap and holds him close. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise this would upset you, hey, tell me, what’s wrong.”

“I’ve had sex with women, Ilya. You know this,” Shane starts. “But do you know what? I think all the time about if I could go back in time and meet my younger self, I’d apologise to him for putting him through that. I never wanted to do it. Not once.”

“Oh, Shane,” Ilya squeezes Shane even closer to his chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise it was so terrible.”

Shane lets out a wet laugh. “I’m sure it was terrible, for the women, but also for me. Do you know what dissociation means?”

Ilya nods. “When you go out of your body, when you can’t feel yourself anymore?”

“It was the only way I could do it, kind of like doing a gym workout. I would just leave my body and hope that I could perform okay.”

Another tear rolls down Shane’s cheek and Ilya quickly wipes it away for him. “I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I feel like it was kind of traumatising. My body didn’t want to do it. But I felt like I had to, so I just pushed myself to do it and fuck, it was so bad. One time, after, I just stood in the bathroom by myself shaking. I really, really never wanted to do it.”

“Oh, my Shanya,” Ilya runs a finger over Shane’s damp freckled cheeks. “I’m so sorry for asking. I should have thought about it and how it might be for you. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Shane says quickly as he nuzzles into Ilya’s chest. “I guess when you said it could feel similar, I just, well, I think I’ve tried to specifically not remember what it felt like. Maybe it’s triggering for me. I don’t know.”

“Then I am still sorry. I never want to trigger you. And thank you for telling me.”

Shane’s shoulders shake again. “I just keep thinking about little old me, you know? Naked and shaking with my dorky little haircut and pretending to be brave and forcing myself to just—”

“You were so brave. You were doing what you thought you had to do. Maybe you need to forgive yourself a little? You didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know,” Shane repeats. “Man, I didn’t know at all. Fuck. What a mess.”

“But you have me now, your big, strong, handsome, sexy, cup winning—”

“Alright I get it I get it,” Shane gives Ilya a gentle shove. “I love you.”

“I love you. And we never, ever have to do that.”

The next morning, Shane is making them both protein smoothies while Ilya spreads a thick layer of peanut butter on four slices of toast for them to share.

“So, about last night,” Shane says after the blender’s horrific whirring stops.

“We don’t have to talk about it again,” Ilya says. “I am very sorry, and—”

“Let me finish, eh?” Shane walks around to the side of the kitchen bench where Ilya is standing and puts his hands either side of Ilya’s hips.

“I was thinking about it, and this isn’t me saying yes for sure, but I guess it got me thinking about how it could be alright?”

Ilya nods. “I’m listening.”

“You said last night, if you only ever bottom for one person, you’d want it to be me. And then I was thinking, well, if I only choose to top once in my whole life, without anything in society or whatever making me feel like I have to do it, I would want it to be you, too.”

Ilya nods again. “But you don’t want to do it.”

Shane shrugs. “I guess the other side of this is that I would be making this choice completely on my own volition, and if I hated it, we could immediately stop. Like, if it triggered me? Like if it felt too similar. Actually, you said it feels similar, but isn’t it really pretty much the same?”

Ilya hums as he seems to consider it. “It’s… it’s not the same. Anal is a lot tighter, I think, and the temperature is a lot warmer. You didn’t do anal with women?”

Shane fucking laughs. “Ilya, no. I barely got through vanilla sex, no fucking way. You’d be my first.”

“And you would be my first,” Ilya leans over and kisses Shane on the cheek. “It would be like we were both virgins.”

“Oh, gross, please never, ever say that again.” Shane makes a face at Ilya. “Like, never say that again. The whole concept of virginity is a social construct weaponised to shame women.”

“We will both be inexperienced then,” Ilya corrects. “A first for us both.”

“Let me be clear, I want to really think about this,” Shane says as he wraps his arms around Ilya’s waist and rests his head on Ilya’s shoulder. “I don’t want to rush into it. But I think, maybe, it could be okay, maybe.”

“And either way is okay,” Ilya says into Shane’s hair. “If you never want to do it, that is fine with me. And if we try it and you hate it, we will stop immediately, and if we try it and it’s okay, but you never want to do it again, that’s also completely fine. I love you, Shane, and sex with you is already perfect.”

“I don’t even know if I’ll like it,” Shane says again into Ilya’s shoulder. His eyes are tearing up just a little again.

“I don’t know if I will like bottoming. Your dick is quite big.”

Shane looks at Ilya, wipes his eyes and then grins. “If we do it, I’ll be really gentle with you with my big dick.”

It’s not like Ilya has literally no experience with having his ass played with. On the odd occasion, Shane would lick him open and finger him a little, or sometimes he would use a little vibrating prostate massager on Ilya, but usually within a few minutes Ilya would have his hand around his cock to jerk himself to completion or would start begging for Shane’s mouth or for Shane to let him fuck him.

Ilya has had a prostate orgasm before, whimpering and whining as his cock leaked and leaked while Shane massaged him with two fingers until, finally, it was too much and Ilya had clamped his legs shut.

So any nerves Ilya had about bottoming for Shane were more to do with how Shane was going to feel doing it. And, from the way Shane had reacted when he’d brought it up, Ilya had decided that he wouldn’t bring it up again. If Shane wanted to, then Shane could broach the subject. Of all the things in the world that Ilya hated the most, seeing Shane upset was probably number one.

And for weeks, Shane didn’t bring it up at all, so Ilya felt that maybe that conversation was done.

Shane, on the other hand, decided to go the route of researching and reading every article and Reddit post about the subject.

Truthfully, Shane had done everything to try and bury the memories of his sexual encounters with women deep deep down down in his internal vault. Nothing good ever came from bringing those memories to the fore, so it had been years since he’d even let himself recollect his experiences.

Unfortunately, being an NHL player and being young and handsome had gone hand in hand with the expectation that he was meant to have sex with women that were into him. Granted, Shane’s body count was nothing like Ilya’s, although Ilya had said once upon a time that Shane sleeping with Rose Landry counted as one thousand people, due to her insane star power and general hotness.

The most famous person Shane had ever fucked was Rose Landry, and the most famous person Ilya had ever fucked was Shane. Figures.

Shane hadn’t much liked the discussions around body count and had shut that shit down, but even so, part of him shut it down because, actually, in order to calculate a body count, Shane would have to actively recall his heterosexual encounters, which he had no interest in doing, whatsoever.

But now, Shane sits at his laptop and looks at another article around trauma from putting oneself through unwanted sexual experiences. It does make sense, and a lot of sense at that, that when Ilya had suggested Shane topping that Shane had felt his whole body go cold and shaky.

But then, Shane reminds himself that Ilya is not a woman. He’s also not just some girl he felt guilted into sleeping with or peer pressured into taking home.

No. Ilya is his fucking husband. His husband that holds him so tightly when they watch scary movies that it almost hurts, his husband that took him to after hours emergency care when he hadn’t been able to keep fluids down for twelve hours, and his husband who had said fuck it, and married him despite the judgement of a cruel, homophobic world.

So Ilya is a safe person, without a doubt. Ilya would never hurt Shane. Shane trusts Ilya more than anyone in the whole world.

So, one night, while Shane is stacking the dishwasher (because while Shane stacks the dishwasher like a Swiss architect, Ilya stacks it like a raccoon), Shane looks right at Ilya who is wiping down the kitchen bench.

“Okay. I want to do it. I want to fuck you.”

Ilya stays very still as he does his best to rearrange his facial features to be as neutral as possible. “Shane. It’s been weeks. Have you been thinking about this the whole time?”

Shane nods. “I’ve done some research too. I’m not alone. Lots of people have pushed themselves to have heterosexual experiences when they’re younger and feel slightly traumatised by it, and some of them have said that recreating the physical sensations with people that they trust has been very healing. Like taking an experience and flipping it.”

“Okay.” Ilya walks over to where Shane is standing and wraps his arms around him.

“Like when I came out to Rose, I told her I preferred being the hole rather than the peg, remember? But I’d also only ever been the peg with women. I think I want to try it.”

“I am happy to try with you Shane. But if it’s terrible or you start to feel gross—”

“Then I’ll use our safe word.”

“Scott Hunter,” Ilya giggles at their chosen safe word. God, if only Scott knew.

“Or I’ll just tell you, and we can do something else,” Shane adds quickly. “But I’ve thought about this a lot. Like a lot.”

Dishwasher be damned. Ilya takes Shane’s hand and leads him over to the couch. “I want to double check that you are not just doing this because I am curious about bottoming.”

Shane leans into Ilya and takes a deep breath. “I can’t lie, if you never brought it up, I don’t think it would have even occurred to me. But I don’t feel pressure from you or anything.”

“I think it is important that when we do this you feel as safe as possible,” Ilya runs his hand up and down Shane’s back over his t-shirt. “I think that if we do this, it will need to be very gentle and very vanilla.”

“I agree,” Shane sighs. “Sorry if that’s boring.”

“Shane,” Ilya groans, “it won’t be boring. I have never been fucked, yes? It’ll be new for me too.”

Shane pauses and bites his lip.

“Hmm? What’s going on in your pretty head?”

“I, uh,” Shane nervously rubs the side of his neck. “I kind of wanted to ask you why you’ve never bottomed before. I think it’s important we’re really honest with each other, about this stuff in particular.”

Ilya chuckles quietly and Shane can feel the vibrations of it through his chest. “Well, with my coach’s son, he had experience bottoming, so it made sense to do it like that, and then I met you, and fucking you was the best thing in the whole world.”

“But you didn’t want to do it with anyone else?”

“Maybe there was a part of me that thought bottoming was too vulnerable to do with someone I didn’t know well, maybe. I don’t know. To be honest, no one has ever asked me to bottom for them. Another first, for me.”

“Okay.” Shane snuggles a little closer. He can feel Ilya’s stubble against the side of his face now.

“It wasn’t because I thought bottoming wasn’t for real men or bullshit like that, if that is what you are worried about. You are a fucking tough ice hockey player, the best ice hockey player, and you are a jock. I never thought it had to be this way because I was more of a man than you. You did not ask me this, but I wanted to say it. Okay?”

“Maybe I did think that, just a little, but maybe I hadn’t put it into words,” Shane confesses. “Also you’re right. I’m the best ice hockey player.”

“And also the most humble,” Ilya adds and then roughs up Shane’s hair. “Okay. Then we will try it. But let’s pick a night where we know we have the whole next day free, just in case it is triggering for you.”

“Okay, yeah. That’s a good idea.”

Finally, the night arrives, as set out in the shared Google calendar. “Big Night, Make No Other Plans”, 6:00PM - 11:30PM.

Shane is standing outside the ensuite door. “Do you need a hand in there?” he calls.

“I’m fine, sweetheart,” comes Ilya’s voice over the noise of the shower. “I have done this part before, okay?”

Before Shane had first fingered Ilya, Ilya had spent an insane forty-five minutes in the shower. Obviously the prep part was new for him, but Shane still thought Ilya was taking the whole prep thing a little too seriously. Like, at the end of the day, it’s anal sex and anal play.

Shane takes a seat on the bed and flicks out the reliable old sex towel over the sheets. He then sits very still and practices his box breathing.

He also practices his self-affirmations, kind of like how he does before a big game.

I can do this. Ilya is my beautiful, gorgeous, sexy husband, and I’m going to fuck him so well. I’m a professional athlete and I know how to fuck. I am safe. and I am loved. I am going to put Ilya through the mattress.

Shane stands up and goes looking for the lube so he can have it all ready and set up. He also gets the condoms out. In their relationship, it’s always been Shane’s call if they use condoms, so he guesses tonight is Ilya’s turn to make that decision.

Eventually, Ilya emerges from the bathroom, completely naked. He’s half hard. Shane isn’t hard at all.

“How are you feeling?” Ilya walks over to Shane and puts his arms around him, and then kisses him on the forehead.

“I think I’m just a little nervous,” Shane tilts his jaw up to meet Ilya for a kiss. “I’m not even hard yet.”

“We have time. I think you blocked out five hours on the calendar.”

Shane rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Okay. So what if I did.”

Ilya kisses Shane and then pulls him down onto the bed.

“Do you want me to lick you open?” Shane asks.

Ilya shakes his head. “I want to kiss you while we touch each other for a little bit, is that okay?”

Being professional athletes means that sometimes the sex between them has to be quick and easy with no risk of muscle strain or soreness, so neither is a stranger to lying face to face, kissing while they stroke each other off.

So they resume the comfortable position that they know so well, and Shane squeezes some lube into their palms and they begin to touch each other while they kiss slowly.

“Do you remember the first time I fucked you?” Ilya asks between kisses.

“Of course.”

“I was so fucking nervous,” Ilya confesses. “I didn’t know if it would be good for you. I was worried I’d hurt you or that you’d hate it. But then you came for me, untouched, so easily, fuck, it was so hot. I couldn’t believe how lucky I had gotten.”

“And here I was, thinking you were some nineteen year old sex god,” Shane giggles. “Turns out I was just easy for you.”

“But I love how easy you are for me,” Ilya kisses Shane again. “Okay, slow down, it’s feeling good for me and I don’t want to shoot too fast.”

Shane pulls back and they both watch each other for just a moment in the low bedside lamplight.

“We’re doing this?” Ilya checks again.

“We’re doing this.”

“Do you want me to open myself up?” Ilya asks.

“No, I’m happy to do it.”

Shane sits up and shuffles down the bed slightly. He makes sure the sex towel is still in its correct position and then pushes Ilya’s knees up.

His first finger goes in easily enough. Ilya has obviously spent a little bit of time opening himself up as part of his prep, but then Ilya clenches hard when Shane’s second finger joins.

“Breathe,” Shane says gently. “Come on, you’ve done this part before. There you go.”

Shane gives his fingers a wiggle to find the right spot inside Ilya. “Is that it?”

“Oh, fuck,” Ilya squeezes his eyes shut. “I forget how intense it is. Yes. That’s it.”

Shane adds more lube and slowly opens Ilya up until it doesn’t feel so tight on his fingers. “I’m going to go for a third.”

Ilya has never taken three fingers before. He nods confidently.

“Deep breath and breathe out slowly,” Shane pushes three fingers in and Ilya moans quietly. “Is it okay?”

Ilya nods. “Keep going. I am fine.”

Eventually Shane deems Ilya to be open enough and sits up. He wipes his hand on the sex towel and then grabs a condom to hold up. “You’re bottoming, you decide. Condom?”

Ilya gives a quick shake of his head. “If we only do this once, and if you can come like this, I think I want you to come in me.”

Shane puts the condom packet down and grabs for more lube. “I guess we’re doing this.”

“Shane, do you want to do this? I just want to double check.” Ilya sits up to meet Shane’s gaze at eye level.

“I want to do this. I want to try. I trust you. I’m safe with you. I love you.”

“Okay.” Ilya reaches for Shane’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “How do you want me then?”

“On your back, to start, and then if we like it, you can go on all fours.”

So Ilya lies back down and Shane shuffles between Ilya’s thighs and pushes them apart a little more.

“Go slow, your dick is thick,” Ilya says quickly.

Shane gives him a smile. “Don’t worry, it will fit.”

Ilya rolls his eyes at Shane using his old line from so many years ago. It’s become a little inside joke that they say to each other, and now is as good a time as ever.

Shane pushes in really slowly and Ilya gasps. “Fuck, you feel huge.”

“I’ll go slow,” Shane reassures. “I promise.”

Shane slowly pushes in just a little more. He’s probably about half way in and Ilya whimpers.

“Breathe, breathe for me,” Shane encourages. “Come on, baby. You can do it.”

Shane leans down so his forehead is resting on Ilya’s. He takes a breath himself. Fuck. It’s a lot.

“Feel okay?” Ilya asks.

“So fucking tight, Jesus,” is all Shane can manage. “And it’s so hot? Like, temperature hot. Fuck. It feels good.”

“Push in more, I can take it.”

Shane eventually presses in all the way and then holds completely still while Ilya adjusts to the unfamiliar sensation.

“Do you want to stop?” Ilya asks slightly breathlessly. “You’ve done it. You’re in me, you can stop now if you want.”

Shane huffs a little laugh. “I don’t want to stop. It feels insane. Fuck. It feels really, really good.”

Shane pulls his hips back and gives an experimental thrust. “Like that?”

“Fuck, yes, ah,” Ilya grits his teeth.

“Bad?”

“It hurts just a little, it’s okay.”

“Oh.” Shane swallows.

“It’s perfect. Keep going Shane.”

Shane slowly shifts his weight so he can thrust a little more. He finds a steady rhythm quickly, punching breathy little noises out of Ilya again, and again, and again.

“It’s not hurting now,” Ilya says after a couple of minutes.

“Then turn over for me.”

Shane pulls out and Ilya positions himself on all fours. Shane pushes back in and Ilya moans. “There, fuck, that’s the angle for me.”

“Like this?” Shane thrusts a few more times and Ilya keens and arches his back.

“Fuck, yes, there Shane, there.”

Shane grips Ilya’s hips hard and moves. He gains confidence as he becomes more familiar with the motion. “I can’t believe I’m going to come inside you,” he says as he uses a hand to press Ilya’s back down.

“It’s feeling really good, but it’s so intense,” Ilya whimpers, again. “If you keep going I think I could come like this.”

Shane rubs Ilya’s back and picks up the speed a little. He fucks Ilya, harder now, and bites his lip. He doesn’t want to come already. Not with Ilya moaning and whimpering for him underneath him.

“Fuck it’s so much, it’s so much,” Ilya babbles. “The feeling is, ah, it’s, I don’t know the words, but it’s growing.”

“You’re doing amazing,” Shane says as he does his best to fuck Ilya in fast, short strokes. “Want you to come like this for me.”

Ilya groans at the quickening pace. “I don’t know if I can, it’s so sensitive, ah, oh god.”

“You can do it, you can do it for me, come on, breathe in and out, concentrate on the feeling.”

Ilya groans again, “It’s so much it feels like I might explode.”

“Then you’re close, come on Ilya, fuck, I want you to come on my cock, keep going baby. You’ve got this.”

Ilya instinctively thrusts back onto Shane’s dick, “Fuck it’s, ah, Shane, fuck, keep going.”

Shane is sweating from exertion, but he doesn’t slow down for a moment. “There we go, fuck, you’re so tight and hot around me, taking my cock so well.” He looks down to where they’re joined and where Ilya is stretched around him. The sight nearly sends him over the edge.

“Come on Ilya, come for me, come on my cock, let go for me, wanna feel you coming,” Shane urges breathlessly.

“I’m gonna— fuck, I’m almost, Shane, fuck, I’m right there, fuck—”

“I love you Ilya, fuck I love you so much, come on, come for me, you can do it,” Shane thrusts faster and his body trembles. He’s barely holding on at this point.

“Oh, fuck— Shane I love you, I love you, I love you,” Ilya chants as he clenches down hard on Shane. “Oh my god, fuck—”

“Are you—”

“I’m fucking coming, fuck, Shane come in me, fuck, please, fuck—” Ilya sobs and buries his face in the pillow as his whole body shakes with the force of an intense orgasm. 

And Shane doesn’t need to be told twice. He gives Ilya three more hard thrusts and then pushes in as deeply as he can go and, fuck, he’s coming.

“Ilya, oh god, fuck, I’m coming, I’m coming—” Shane moans and his body trembles as he fills Ilya for the very first time. Ilya clenches around him and milks him completely dry.

Afterwards, Shane pulls out very slowly and then flops down next to Ilya.

“Are you crying?” Shane asks Ilya, who is looking very fucked out and teary eyed.

“Just a little bit,” Ilya leans in to kiss Shane. “It was so intense. Fuck, I don’t know how you do it all the time.”

“Did you like it though?” Shane asks.

“Yes. But I think it’s maybe a little bit too much for me. Maybe not all the time.”

Shane laughs a little at that.

“And you? Are you okay? Do you feel okay?”

Shane nods. “Yeah, I’m surprisingly fine. I think even in the moment I was only thinking about you and how you were sharing your body with me. I didn’t feel bad at all. But…”

“But?”

Shane shrugs and squeezes Ilya. “I think I do prefer being the hole. But I’m glad we did it, and I’m glad I got to come inside you. I feel so animalistic, like I’ve claimed you or something.”

“Mm, I love that feeling,” Ilya closes his eyes and sighs. “But I am so dead now.”

“I’ll get us a cloth to clean up.”

And so Shane walks to the bathroom. He catches his own reflection in the mirror and he looks sweaty and sticky and his hair is all messy and fluffy, but he looks happy and satisfied.

“You fucking did it,” he says quietly to himself. “You fucking did it and you did amazing.”