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Deborah spends the first twenty minutes of their plane ride to paris trying to make Ava laugh.
If she had wanted to spend this ten hour flight listening to nothing but the sound of her own thoughts she would have brought Josephina, or Marcus, hell even Damien knows when to put a sock in it.
“Come on you joke about killing yourself all the time.”
“I’m kidding!” Ava snaps back more harshly than she had intended to.
“Oh suddenly you’re sensitive about it? You can walk the walk but you can’t swallow the pills?”
“Jesus Christ!”
“You can tie the noose but not kick the chair?”
“Stop!”
Suddenly Ava’s ears are ringing and she feels like she can’t breathe. Maybe she should’ve jumped out the window the day Jimmy put her on that plane to las vegas. It certainly would’ve been less painful than whatever the fuck this is.
Deborah must’ve noticed Ava’s little internal spiral because now she’s giving her that look. It’s the same look she had given to her on the beach, except this time it feels worse.
Deborah brought her here so they could have fun together. she didn’t bring Marcus or Damien or Josephina, or DJ.
What about DJ? Did she know? Did Deborah tell her? Maybe the only reason she brought me with was because DJ had already said no, and Deborah doesn’t deserve to die all alone. She still hasn’t told Deb the real reason she was at the beach or the reason she’s so sensitive about this in the first place. And it’s all just a bit fucking much.
“Ava?”
Ava bites her lip hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to keep her vision from blurring with tears.
“Ava… Ava honey talk to me.” Deborah reaches for Ava’s hand hoping that it’s enough to slow whatever thoughts are currently racing through her mind.
Ava involuntarily flinches at the sudden contact. And suddenly all the guilt she felt before has now tripled as a result of how concerned Deborah looks right now.
“This isn’t about you.” “Oh well then kill yourself!” “Your bad writing is killing me!”
This is her fault. If she had just kept her fucking mouth shut they would still have late night. And Deborah would’ve had this tumor taken care of months ago. She should’ve made time for her dad she should’ve… She should… She should learn how to shut the fuck up.
Deborah crouches down onto the floor of the private jet and positions herself so that Ava is forced to make eye contact with her.
“It’s okay. Let it out.” Deborah says softly.
Ava shakes her head.
“I’m serious. I had Jimmy set aside an extra hundred thousand dollars just for all the botox you’re gonna need after I’m gone. It’s okay.”
Ava let out a sad little laugh that immediately dissolved into the most gut wrenching sobs Deborah has ever heard.
Deborah extended her hand with every intention of placing it on Ava’s knee but then she remembered the way Ava flinched before, and ultimately decided against the possibility of taking an involuntary kick to the face.
She decides to rest her hand next to Ava’s lap. It drives Deborah crazy that after all this time she still can’t quite figure out when Ava wants physical comfort.
Ava’s gaze flickered down to Deborah’s open hand and without thinking twice she takes it into her own and gives it a gentle squeeze.
“There you are.” Deborah says softly.
Ava wipes her face with the sleeve of her free arm.
“Did… did you even tell DJ?”
“Don’t worry. I gave her my tennis bracelet before we left.”
Ava traced absent minded patterns over the back of Deborah’s hand with her thumb as her breathing returned to normal.
“Why me?”
“Hmm?”
“I just…” Ava continues toying with Deborah’s rings. “You could’ve brought anybody…. so… uh… why me?”
“Well, honestly I thought you’d have something funny to say.”
“You thought I’d have something funny to say about your suicide.” Ava scrunches her nose.
Deborah reaches out and smooths over Ava’s crinkled nose with her index finger.
“You always have something funny to say.”
“I don’t know… this is different.” Ava hesitates.
“Different?”
“Yeah… I mean… I’ve never really had time to process someone’s death beforehand y’know. Everything with my dad happened pretty quickly.”
Deborah squeezes Ava’s hand this time. She hadn’t considered that. Ava hadn’t said much about her dad since they were on the road together.
“Sorry.” Ava blurts out.
Deborah raises an eyebrow. “For what?”
“For making everything about me.”
Deborah winced. That wasn’t what she had wanted Ava to take away from this experience, but then again, if she was being honest with herself she didn’t bring Ava with because she wanted her to gain something valuable from this experience.
She had brought her with because she was afraid of facing this alone.
“Ava…”
“No, it’s true. This isn’t about me. It’s your body your choice.”
Deborah shrugs. “It’s not that simple.”
Ava slid out of her seat and settled onto the carpeted floor next to Deborah.
“Hmm?”
“You seem lonely sitting down here all by yourself.”
Deborah chuckled softly. “Yeah the two feet of personal space was really bothering me.”
Ava wrapped her arms around Deborah’s waist, and tucked herself against her side, resting her head on Deborah’s shoulder.
Deborah sighed contently in response and slipped one arm around Ava’s shoulders while the other settled over her hands where they were clasped around her waist.
“If Kelly and Monica thought we were a couple before they should see us now.”
Ava let out a watery laugh before snuggling closer to Deborah as if trying to memorize how it felt to be this close to her.
They spend the next several hours sitting together on the floor. Deborah can’t pin point exactly when in their journey that Ava had fallen asleep.
Every now and then Deborah would glance down at the red head curled up against her. She’s bore witness to plenty of Ava’s depression naps over the years but she couldn’t recall ever seeing the younger woman so relaxed.
“You’re not gonna let me go without a fight are you?” Deborah asks pressing a kiss to Ava’s forehead.