Chapter Text
April 2024
the ground is cold beneath me, the air dusty and smelling of old sweat. Its hard to see on account of the single light bulb swinging about me, illuminating the decent sized room. but from here, I can see gym mats leaning against the wall, old and torn, and a menagerie of sports gear that's long been forgotten, all coated in a layer of dust. there's a rack of old helmets, pads and balls against the wall, and I can tell they haven't been touched in years. but the thing I can't take my eyes off of... is her.
her blonde hair is spilled out around her head in a mess, and her eyes are open only slightly, showing a hint of green. her skin is pale, and her lips purple. there's a bit of foam that has dripped from the corner of her mouth, and spills out onto the old mat she is laying on her side on. she is still, and her chest doesn't move at all. she... no me.
I'm sitting on the cold concrete floor, staring at myself like an out of body experience. maybe this is a dream? it's gotta be. I remember the feeling of my eyes being too heavy to keep open, so I must have fallen asleep some time ago. what a weird dream to be experiencing, seeing myself lay across one of the old gym mats and not breathing. this has got to be a nightmare, because I feel a strange cocktail of anxiety and fear - classic nightmare emotions.
I'm sure it'll all pass soon, and when I wake up I can get back to my drab little life. I dread the idea of leaving my little hideout under the stadium and heading home to a cold, empty house. I'd much rather be in this dust ridden place, hiding from the rest of the world.
a thought hits me... isn't this a lot of thinking for a nightmare? usually it's just feelings and a series of events happening to me. I can't recall ever having a nightmare where I'm actually having cognizant thoughts.
there's a creaking sound behind me suddenly, and light floods the room, making me squint my eyes and turn to look. out of the corner of my eye, I see my nightmare self not move at all.
in the doorway a few feet in front of me, stands a smiling boy I've never seen before. but that's not uncommon, I'm sure I don't know half the people at this school. he glances behind me, to where my nightmare self lays, then back at me.
"hi, I'm charley." he says to me in a soothing voice, adjusting his glasses on his nose. he gives me a sad but knowing smile. "I know this has got to be very confusing for you."
I give him a quizzical look. my voice is hoarse when I say, "what is?"
I clear my throat, it feels like I haven't talked in hours. and then I remember the loud, body shaking sobs that escaped me before I fell asleep, and decide that must be what caused it. but how would I be able to feel that in a nightmare?
"seeing this." he motions behind me, to my nightmare self. "ask anyone, it's never easy seeing yourself like this."
"in a nightmare?" I ask, then turn back, my nightmare self still hasn't moved. "I mean I've never had an out of body experience or had a nightmare where I could see myself, but i suppose anything is possible."
he smiles at me, again in that sad and knowing way. he moves a little closer, and I feel myself flinch. then I remind myself that I can't feel anything in dreams or nightmares for that matter, so there's no reason to flinch. he takes a seat next to me, sitting cross legged on the concrete, facing my nightmare self.
a few moments pass of us both just staring at me laying there, looking a mess. if i wasn't dreaming and he was just a part of it, i'd be embarrassed. then he says "this isn't a nightmare."
I don't say anything in response, because I'm not sure what I'd say. i wonder to myself when i'll wake up.
"i don't mean to freak you out.. but you're dead." he says tentatively. then quickly continues "well not just you, i'm dead too."
i stare straight ahead at my nightmare self laying across the mat. i can feel him watching me, but all i can look at is her... me. i feel a quiet laugh coming on.
"ha-ha." i say nonchalantly. "if i was dead then how come there wasn't a light? or seeing my life flash before my eyes?"
"those are pretty typical things people ask, but none of that happens. we're not in a movie" he answers.
"so what are you? like a spirit guide meant to take me to the afterlife?" i laugh, because this is getting ridiculous. there's no way i'm dead, this is just a really vivid and weird dream.
"well," he says, and i look at him this time. "i mean no. this is a lot to take in right now, so i'm just here to help you get through it. this is the afterlife."
"i call bullshit." nightmare me still hasn't moved, and i'm growing bored of this dream. the anxiety in my chest is still rising, which means that hopefully soon my body will wake me up.
"i can prove it to you." he says, and it's not condescending or mean. it's quiet and kind. "come on, i'll show you."
he stands, and wipes his hands on his jeans, then offers me a hand. "okay, sure. you go ahead and prove it to me." I say, shaking my head and laughing.
i take his hand to stand up, and am all of a sudden shocked. i'm not supposed to be able to feel his hand in mine, that doesn't happen in dreams. i've had hundreds of dreams where i punch someone or fall off a building, and i can never actually feel anything, it's more so just knowing it's supposed to hurt. I quickly drop his hand and take my turn wiping mine on my jeans, quickly trying to rid my skin of the feeling. i change the subject.
"so how do you plan to prove it to me?" i ask, incredulously. he gives me a smile, and steps towards the door. he opens it, and once again the room is flooded with the light of mid day. he steps outside, and holds it open for me and motions for me to follow.
i scoop up my backpack from where i stand and swing it over my shoulder. as i turn to leave, i try not to notice that there is an identical backpack sitting on the mat near nightmare me. a chill runs through my body but i shove it down and walk out the door that's being held open for me.
the air is cool, but it's a gorgeous sunny day. we immerge from behind the football stadium, and head towards the track. the room i was in was once used as extra space for football and gym equipment, but seems that it has been mostly forgotten. i've spent hours and hours there, ditching school or sleeping overnight when i don't want to go home and have never been disturbed by anyone there.
we walk around the side of the stadium, through the passage by the concession stands and the bathrooms, and towards the track that goes around the edge of the football field. i see a gym class running around the track, and as we pass by them Charley stops so abruptly i almost smack right into him. i don't though, careful to not have any more contact and freak myself out more before i can wake up.
"talk to someone." he tells me. i shoot him a look that says 'what the fuck is wrong with you' but he just smiles at me. "come on, you gotta trust me. and if this is all a dream then you have nothing to worry about."
i step away from him, closer to the track and a group of running students who are about to pass us. "touché" i say, looking back at him. i turn back to the group. "and for the record i don't really trust most people, so this is simply just to humor you."
i pick out a girl i don't recognize and wave at her. "hi," I say, but she looks right past me and keeps running. i turn back to face Charley and point over my shoulder in the direction of the running girl. "happy?"
he nods his head, still smiling. "okay, try again with someone else."
i groan, this is getting ridiculous. "how many people are you going to make me say hi to?"
he just hums, still smiling at me. i throw my hands down to my side in frustration, but turn and look for someone else. there's a group of boys, ones who i once again don't know. "hey how are you?" i ask them, but again, they don't even look my way and just keep on running
i turn back to Charley and shrug my shoulders to prove a point. "i don't know if you've noticed, but i'm kind of invisible to everyone at this school."
"not just socially invisible," he says , walking towards me. he expertly dodges another group of passing runners. it doesn't even look as if he dodged them though, they just didn't touch him, i think to myself. that's weird. "you're invisible, like in the literal sense. no one can see or hear you, you're dead."
i snort out a laugh. "i told you, this is just a really weird dream, i'll wake up soon and it'll all be over."
"you're pretty stubborn aren't you?" he has a mischievous glint in his eye, but doesn't stop smiling at me.
"you have no idea." i shoot back.
"okay, pinch yourself, you won't feel anything because it's a dream. or better yet, you'll wake yourself up." he says, and turns away to skip a few feet down the track.
"yeah sure just pinch myself, smart idea." i grumble under my breath. but it's not a bad idea actually. i pinch myself through my long sleeve jacket, and instantly feel the pain. that's really weird. but i do it again just to be sure. and again, i feel pain. and i don't wake up.
"uhh.." i say to myself utterly confused. i look up in the direction of Charley, but before i can spot him, i notice a familiar face run by me. "Connor!" i shout, then run after him.
"Connor!" I yell again, trying to keep pace with him. who knew my nerd of a little brother who hated sports with a passion could jog so fast. my short legs are no match for his longer ones that seem to get longer by the day. soon i catch up, and wave in front of his face. "Connor, hey."
he doesn't turn my way or acknowledge me in any way. i might as well not exist to him, he doesn't respond at all. i stop in my tracks, confused. so this is a nightmare where i don't exist? where my brother forgets about me? what's the deal?
i turn to Charley, who is a few paces behind me. he has a sad look on his face, but still manages a smile. "what's the deal?" i ask.
"i told you, you're dead." he says calmly. i can tell he must be a kind person, because he carries a calm and soothing tone of voice. "no one can see or hear you. you're not there, you're here."
"no no no, that can't be. i'm just dreaming, i was just in the supply room and i was-" i cut myself short as a thought hits me. i was in the supply room, like i do a lot. i sleep there, i hang out there when i don't want to face people at school, but mostly i get high there.
"one too many pills this time, i suppose." Charley says sadly, his arms crossed behind his back. "it's hard to tell how many is too much."
my head spins suddenly. my hands feel numb, and it's hard to breathe. "no." i say firmly, but i feel anything but firm on the inside. i feel like jelly, and it's hard to stand suddenly.
i touch my forehead with my hand, and once again it's shocking to me to be able to make contact with myself and feel it.
"i'm sorry, but it's true. it takes time for everyone to process it however they need to, but eventually you'll get there." he has the same sad smile on this face, and i can tell he's had to give this speech numerous times.
"everyone?" i ask. maybe if i change the subject my head will stop spinning. or maybe i'll wake up. "does everyone who dies end up at this shit hole of a school?"
"nope," he pops the 'p'. "just people who die here. and that's a good thing too because imagine how many people would be here if they did. but unfortunately we can't leave, we're stuck here."
"what about heaven? i don't believe in god but there has to be something more than this place." i can't breathe, the world is still spinning and i feel like i'm on a merry go round. i'm just saying anything that comes to mind at this point. i want to wake up so badly, i want all of this to be over.
"that is a conversation for another day i think, you've got a lot to process right now." he says, and cocks his shoulder to the side and turns, motioning me to follow him. we start making our way back down the track towards where we came from. "in the mean time, i do have some people i want you to meet, when you're ready."
my ears are ringing and my heart hammers so loudly it's hard to hear what he's saying. " who?" i can tell i'm slightly yelling, but damn it's so loud all of a sudden.
"oh just some friends who definitely know what you're going through, they can help you feel less alone." he says cheerfully, all the while still sounding sympathetic. we're crossing over the track and back up the stairs to the corridor by the concessions and the bathrooms. there's a set of stairs on both my left and right that lead up into the football stands.
"no way, i don't want to talk to anybody. i just want to be alone." i say, and rush ahead, and around the corner, heading back to my supply closet.
"just remember we're here for you when you're ready!" he calls after me, but doesn't follow. i finally make it to the supply closet on the backside of the stadium, and i'm hyperventilating. i fling open the door, and see that my nightmare me is still laying exactly where we left her, and looks no different than before. could that be my dead body?
no. this is all a bad dream, and i'll wake up eventually. i slam the door behind me and sit on the cold concrete floor, a few feet away from my body- NO, nightmare me. she is just a figment that my brain conjured up to scare me. i'll wake up any minute sweating and breathing hard, but ultimately relieved that it was all a dream.
i sit cross legged on the floor, and ignore the sensation of the cold concrete, of the feeling of my body touching something and feeling it in a dream. i throw my head into my hands and will for this to all be over, for all of this to not be real.
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