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Shane doesn’t think there’s anything in the world he hates more then when Ilya seizes. He hates the fact that he couldn’t be there for so long when Ilya was sick, hates watching his husband writhe and convulse on the floor and there not be a damned thing he can do to stop it, hates that this horrible disorder robs him of so much.
He remembers the first time he’d seen Ilya seize, he was about to leave the hotel room when Ilya’s whole demeanour changed. He kept insisting he didn’t know who Shane was, he was slurring his words, and he could barely sit up. Shane had been so scared, he remembers ringing 911 and almost sobbing into the phone as Ilya let out loud groan as his body went rigid and he started to convulse, that feels like forever ago.
“Shh, you’re ok. I’m right here baby, Anya’s here too. She’s taking such good care of you.” Shane says softly, biting his lip as he watches Ilya intently. His whole body is moving, even his fingertips. He lets out deep groans every few seconds, his lips start tinting blue as the red flush to his face becomes darker, almost purple as he struggles to breathe at a normal rate. “Ok baby, that’s enough. C’mon, no more Ilya, come back to me.” He gently pushes Ilya’s hair out of his face, checking his watch he curses quietly to himself. He’s been seizing now for three minutes, if Ilya continues like this for another two minutes he’s required to call for an ambulance because it means that something isn’t right.
He lets out a long breath as Ilya’s body slowly begins to relax, his spasms lessening until he’s left with small jerks every few seconds and then he’s still, a loud snoring sound the only indication that he’s breathing is mostly normal again. Most of the colour comes back to his face quickly, though his lips still appear to have a slight blue tint to them, Shane wipes at his husband’s lips, gently pushing his fingers into Ilya’s mouth to clear out the buildup of fluid and help him to breath easier.
Shane watches him closely for a few seconds, making sure he isn’t going to fall into another fit before gently rolling him onto his side to help drain the rest of the excess fluid from his mouth, the slightly younger man letting out deep, exaggerated breaths as he tries to recoup some of his lost oxygen. “You did so good, Ilya. I’m so proud of you.” He whispers, leaning down to press a soft kiss to his temple.
He keeps talking to him, even though Ilya is far from lucid right now- hell he hasn’t even come to from his seizure yet. “Can you open your pretty eyes for me? Ilya, c’mon baby.” As Shane speaks he rubs his knuckles into Ilya’s sternum for a few seconds, a faint frown falls on to Ilya’s face and he slightly jerks away. “I’m sorry baby, can you open your eyes for me?” He watches with a small smile, nodding as he sees the tiniest, slight flutter of eyelids.
“C’mon Ilya, can I see your pretty eyes?” His eyes flutter open then, Shane smiling widely as Ilya lets out a weak noise. Something between a whimper and plea almost. “I know, sweetheart.” Shane leans down to kiss his temple again. “You’re ok, Anya and I are right here. Once you’re feeling a bit better we’ll hop up and get in our bed and you can have a nap.” He pushes his hair back as he speaks, Ilya’s curls damp with perspiration- though there’s a layer of sweat covering his whole body.
Anya lays at his feet still, her head resting on his calf muscle as she watches her owner intently.
After a few more minutes with Ilya laying on his side, Shane helps him to reposition himself so that he’s leaning back on Shane’s body. “I love you.” He reminds gently.
From the moment Ilya came to in the hospital after that first seizure, and he’d learnt that Shane had found out about his secret, Ilya had been ashamed of it. It gave him a lot of shame and embarrassment, most of which came from his father and brother using his disability as a weapon.
He presses soft kisses to his temples and cheeks, gently wrapping his arms around the man’s waist. “Can you talk yet, sweetheart? Как ты себя чувствуешь, детка? Можешь мне рассказать?” How are you feeling, baby? Can you tell me? Ilya gives a soft groan, his eyes slipping shut again. “I know you’re tired baby, we’ll go to bed in a little while. I just wanna make sure you’re ok.”
Ilya lets out a small whimper, turning his head into Shane’s neck and then letting out a muffled sob. “Oh baby, it’s ok. Я люблю тебя, ты в безопасности.” I love you, you’re safe. Shane whispers, pressing his lips to Ilya head, his arms wrapping around the younger man tighter. “We’ll just wait it out, ok?” As he finishes speaking, Ilya lets out a weak gag, and luckily Shane’s reflexes are quick because he’s moving the man to lean forward so he can expel whatever is upsetting his stomach, nothing but a small amount of saliva and some bile comes up. Shane rubs his back as Ilya’s breathing becomes heavy again, then he falls weakly back into Shane.
Shane nods as his husband mutters something, he doesn’t quite catch it because it’s so soft and quiet. “Can you talk to me baby? What’s my name?” Ilya’s flutter open and he pulls back slightly to have a look at Shane. “Sh’ya.” Shane smiles again, nodding his head. “Yeah sweetheart, good job. Do you think you can stand?” Ilya looks at him with confused eyes, his expression blank. “Alright, I guess not. That’s ok, we’ll stay here for a bit longer. I’m just gonna go and get some water for you, ok?” Ilya gives a soft hum, coughing a little. Shane gently wipes his chin as a small amount of saliva trickles down from his lips.
He carefully helps Ilya up on to the couch, then moves to get him a glass of water, as well as a new pair on briefs and pants. Then he’s moving back to Ilya- who thankfully is still in the same position as Shane left him.
“I’m just gunna change your pants baby, ok?” Ilya just watches him, still not coherent enough to comprehend what Shane is talking about. Quickly and quietly, Shane takes care of the soiled clothing. He knows how much Ilya hates it, knows how embarrassed he gets about it, so it’s never made into a big deal. After chucking the soiled clothing into the washing machine, Shane helps Ilya to have a few small sips of water. He keeps talking to Ilya, he’s found that most of the time that helps Ilya come to quicker and it helps to keep him calm, if Shane just continues to talk softly to him.
Ilya drifts into sleep not long after, his body so exhausted from the fit he literally couldn’t have stayed awake if he tried.
When he wakes up his head starts to pound instantly, he lets out soft groan and sits up slowly, his head spins making him grab on to the couch with a white knuckle grip. “Hey sweetheart, take it easy. You had a seizure.” Shane says softly. Of course, that’s why his head hurts so much and his body feels so weak.
“How are you feeling?” Shane asks, moving to kneel in front of Ilya’s spot on the couch. “Как будто меня сбил автобус.” Like I was hit by a bus. He says slowly, Shane lets out a soft laugh and leans up to kiss his lips. Russian was always easier after a fit he’d told Shane once, it wasn’t that he’d forget how to speak English but his brain was still lagging and tired so Russian just eased that and now that Shane was mostly fluent it was easier. As he pulls back, Shane asks him something about dinner.
He speaks to fast though, Ilya’s brain is still lagging a bit and he doesn’t catch about half of what Shane says. He’s about to ask Shane repeat himself but apparently his face said it for him because Shane is already speaking again- much slower this time. “Are you hungry? It’s nearly dinner time,” Ilya shakes his head slowly, the thought of eating anything right now makes him want to vomit. “Ok, well I’ll grab some of those plain crackers and your meds, just so you’ve got something in your stomach.” Ilya fights the urge to groan as Shane moves into the kitchen and comes back with his medication and said crackers.
“Don’t want.” He mumbles, letting his body fall against Shane’s as his head nuzzles into the older man’s neck. “If you eat two I’ll be happy, then you can have your medication and go to bed.” Ilya lets out a small sigh and forces down two crackers and a few small sips of water, then does the same with his meds, Shane helps him upstairs and then into bed. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles, his accent thinker and his words sound more jumbled then usual, his mouth is probably torn to shreds Shane thinks, that’s usually what happens when your teeth are repeatedly biting down on your tongue and cheeks as hard as possible for upwards of three and half minutes.
“Don’t be sorry, I know if our roles were reversed you wouldn’t hesitate to help me. Besides, I love you and I took a vow to love you in sickness and in health.” Ilya gives a small smile. “Yes. You got very bad deal in this. I am sick all the time.” Shane gives a small chuckle but shakes his head. “I’m just gunna have a shower, ok? Then I’ll come back and we can cuddle.” Ilya gives a soft smile and nods, though he’s out like a light before Shane has even reached the ensuite.
He wakes the next morning before Shane, which is unusual. He stands slowly, his body screaming at him to get back into bed but he doesn’t listen. Instead he’s moving downstairs to make a start on breakfast and some coffee.
Anya comes to greet him in the kitchen, so obviously he has to sit down with her and give her some love and affection. “You are best girl, hmm? Always looking after your Papa.” He smiles, the dog lapping up every ounce of affection she’s given.
“Are you hungry, Принцесса?” Princess? With a final pat, he stands to prepare her breakfast, because of course she was on a raw food diet. She was Shane and Ilya’s baby and she only got the best. He puts her bowl down after a few minutes, smiling as she waits patiently for him to let her eat, and once she’s allowed she digs straight in.
Shane comes out then, just as Ilya’s starting to make them each a mug of coffee, he wraps his arms around Ilya’s waist and is nuzzling into Ilya’s neck. “Good morning,” Ilya grumbles, his head still feels like it’s clouded by a thick fog which slows his movements. “How are you feeling? You were pretty tired last night, weren’t saying a whole lot.” Ilya gives a small nod with a shrug. “Mouth hurts.” Shane nods, pressing soft kisses to Ilya’s shoulder.
He moves to grab stuff for their breakfast, making some simple bowls of yogurt and granola with some frozen berries- something light on Ilya’s stomach. “Have you had your medication?” Shane asks, placing a soft kiss to Ilya’s cheek as he places Shane’s mug down in front of him at the table. Ilya nods, sitting down to eat his breakfast- which he only manages about a quarter of before his stomach twists violently and he has to grab hold of the table so hard his knuckles turn white in order to keep himself from vomiting over the table. He takes a several deep breaths, squeezing his eyes shut to try and help settle his stomach.
Shane stands and silently moves away from the table, Ilya’s not sure where he’s going, he continues to breath slowly as he tries to rid the rolling in his stomach. “Here baby, take one of these.” Shane whispers, a warm hand on Ilya’s shoulder as holds out a hand with a small pill on it. Anti-nausea, Ilya’s pretty sure. They’re horrid. They have to dissolve on your tongue before you can swallow them with any water and even then you can only have a small amount. He takes it gingerly, placing it in his mouth and grimacing at the bad taste. Shane gently massages the back of his neck as he waits for it pass, for the medication to kick in. “Do you wanna go and lay down?” Ilya nods slowly, standing and moving into their room before pulling the covers up over his shoulders.
Shane hates this part, really he hates the whole damned illness, but the part he hates most is when Ilya is robbed of his independence and the ability to do something as simple as have breakfast because of the medications he has to take for this stupid illness.
He checks on Ilya after a while, smiling softly as he sees him cuddled up in the sheets, his mouth hanging open a little and soft snores escaping his lips. He moves back out to the kitchen, cleaning up from breakfast when his phone rings. He answers it without even looking at the ID. “Hello?”
“Hollander,” Cliff Marleau, what is he doing- oh fuck. They were supposed to have lunch with him today, he was flying up to see family or something and had a lay over in Ottawa so he wanted to see Ilya. “Marleau, shit. I’m so sorry! I totally forgot, Ilya had a fit last night and he’s still feeling like rubbish. I should have messaged you at least.” Shane rambles, Cliff cuts him off though, Shane thinks he sound worried, maybe. “Is he ok?” Shane hums, telling him it wasn’t a horrible one.
“Would it be ok if I came over to your place? I still really want to see him. Kinda miss his ugly head.” Shane chuckles, telling him he’ll have to talk to Ilya and get back to him, which Cliff agrees with. They hang up, Shane finishes the dishes and then moves back into their room, running a soft hand through Ilya’s curls to wake him.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Ilya gives a small shrug, rubbing at his eyes. “Don’t think I will vomit anymore.” Shane gives a short nod and purses his lips.
“I um, I just got a call from Marleau-”
Ilya looks at him confused for a few seconds, then it dawns on him. Shane is quick to press a hand to his chest though. “I told him about last night, he asked if you’re ok and I told him you’re still feeling a little worse for wear, but he asked if he could come over here? I didn’t want to say yes until I’d spoken to you.” Ilya nods, telling him to call Cliff back and invite him over.
“If you feel sick though, you’ll tell me, right? I don’t want you to put it off because he’s here.” Ilya nods, standing again and following Shane out to call Cliff back.
Once Cliff arrives, he and Ilya park themselves on the couch and are reminiscing about they’re shared time with Boston, what things Ilya has missed out on since he’s left. Shane leaves them be, doing some laundry and trying to just give them some space. He’s about to ask them what they want to order in for lunch when Cliff calls out for Shane.
He moves into the living room, seeing Cliff crowding over Ilya as the man breaths heavily. “What happened?” Shane frets, placing a hand on Ilya’s forehead gently checking to see if he was getting hot- which he’s not and Shane is thankful for that because he really doesn’t know if he could deal with another big fit so soon.
“I don’t know! We were- we were just sitting here and then he said he didn’t feel well.” Shane nods, looking to Ilya and gently asking if he can open his eyes.
He does, though they’re wide with fear and worry. “Hey, it’s ok. I’m just here. You’re safe Ilya, I promise you.”
“I just-” The words catch in his throat as a groan pulls itself from him. Shane shushes him, one hand taking Ilya’s while the other pushes Ilya’s hair out of his face and then running his thumb along Ilya’s cheek. “I think it was aura… could.” He pauses again, closing his eyes for a moment. “Could smell bad eggs.” Shane nods, asking Marleau if he can go get a glass of water for Ilya. Shane watches him, reminding him that he’s safe and that he and Marley are there with him.
After a few more minutes, Shane asks if Ilya how he’s feeling. “Don’t know..still feel spacey.” Shane nods, looking over to Marleau with a thankful nod as he sees the glass of water. “Don’t fight it baby, it’s ok.” Shane whispers, biting his lip as Ilya’s eyes start moving to the side, seemingly uncontrollably, Shane thinks it’s almost like he was waiting for Shane to say it was ok, give him permission. His eyelids fluttering and he starts to make small clicking noises with tongue against the roof of his mouth. Shane rubs a hand over his chest, sighing as he waits for it to end.
“Is he-” Marleau starts, Shane pulls his eyes away from Ilya for a few moments. “He’ll be ok. This is a different type of seizure,” He begins to explain.
“I’ve never- I mean he didn’t really let us see him when he was, y’know, but the few times it did happen he was like shaking and shit, it wasn’t like this. He was shaking and, and groaning.”
Shane looks at his phone, continuing to rub his hand over Ilya’s chest. “Yeah, that’s what he had last night. He has those more often, this type of seizure he only has about once or twice a year.” Marleau gives a slow nod, asking if he can do anything. Shane’s about to answer when Ilya lets out a deep breath and is trying to sit up.
“No, no baby. Let’s just take a minute. You had a seizure.” Shane says, gently pushing him to stay sitting down. Ilya lets out a groan, waving his hands around to try and push Shane off of him. But he’s so uncoordinated and disoriented that his limbs are really like jelly. “Ilya, hey it’s me sweetheart, you need to lay down, you had a seizure.” Ilya lets out a sound Shane only hears when he’s like this, it’s a mix between a sob and groan. Marleau moves closer then, sitting down next to Ilya and placing a cautious hand on his shoulder. “Roz man, it’s ok. You just need to lay down for a minute… Hollzy’s here and he’s taking care of you.” Ilya looks between the men, his eyes seeming distant as he stops fighting and relaxes.
Shane thanks Marleau quietly, grabbing the glass from the table and helping Ilya take a few small sips.
He falls asleep quickly after that, Shane standing and letting out a loud sigh. He gaze moves to Marleau, who looks like he’s never been more uncomfortable. “Thank you,” Marleau nods, still looking uncomfortable. “He’ll be asleep for a while,” Shane says, scratching the back of his neck. “I can order us some food.” Marleau nods, following Shane into the kitchen and awkwardly standing near the sink.
“Does it… it still scares me, when he-” He stops abruptly, seeming unsure of what to say. “You can say it, he had a seizure.” Shane says, he’s been there, it had taken him a long while to accept that he could say the words seizure and epilepsy and that it wouldn’t cause Ilya to fall into a fit, then he continues. “It is scary, I do still get scared. But I think it’s different now, I’ve been helping him through them for years now and I love him.”
Marleau nods, the conversation changes then and Shane’s ordering them lunch, he checks on Ilya then-the man still sleeping peacefully. They sit in a somewhat awkward silence on the back patio as they wait for their food, Shane answering some emails and messages on his phone. “Roz is lucky to have you.” Marleau says after a while. Shane frowns at him, Marleau giving him a shy smile.
“He’s like my brother, we kinda grew up together in a way… He’s really lucky that he’s got you.” Shane gives him a small smile. “Thank you, I’m lucky to have him.”
Ilya comes out then, rubbing his eyes and Shane can immediately tell he’s still unsteadied on his feet. “Hey baby,” Shane smiles, quickly moving over and helping to stabilise Ilya. “Do you wanna go back inside and we can sit on the couch?” Ilya shakes his head, he looks to Cliff and points at the outdoor setting. “Want to sit here.”
Shane swallows, his hand gently on Ilya’s back as they walk back over to the table. Cliff and Ilya resume their conversation from earlier, now though it’s mainly Cliff talking with Ilya nodding along and adding a few words here and there.
Later that night, after Cliff has left and it’s just the two of them- with Anya snuggled up at Ilya’s feet because she never let him go far- Shane asks about why he doesn’t go public about his diagnosis.
“People will think I am broken. Or bad. Is maybe another reason why my brother and father hated me, I was to hard to look after. The only reason I had medicine when I was young was because I got it, my father would throw money at me and I go to get it.” Shane frowns but stays quiet, pressing soft kisses the underside of Ilya’s jaw, his neck and his chest. “I think maybe I will, one day, probably. Is very scary. Telling people this. Is like before we came out, yes?” Shane nods, he imagines Ilya feels the same way about his disability that Shane felt about them coming out, the apprehension, the unknown of how people will react.
“I think there would be a lot of people who think that you are brave. For not letting your disability get in the way of your career.” Ilya gives him a small smile. “One day.. maybe when I finally have fit in public. I will say ‘oh yes, by the way I have very bad fits sometimes and wet my pants, you think I am still big, sexy Russian?’” Shane laughs, giving him a slight smack on the chest with a small groan of his name. “One day, солнышко.” solnyshko. Shane smiles again, leaning up to press their lips together. “For the record, I still think you’re a big, sexy Russian.” Ilya barks out a loud laugh, his whole body shaking as he hugs Shane tightly while still chuckling.
“For the record, I think sometimes you are not boring Hollander.”