Chapter Text
Scara lies back against a couch in a motel room in Sumeru. He was barely even there mentally; he was high and drunk off his mind, he couldn't even think about the person below him sucking him off, he didn't care, nothing he did fazed him anymore, it was just a daily routine: get wasted, get fucked, and get money from getting fucked, it was a horrible way to live. But it was all he knew; even when he was a kid, he did things just like this all the time. To anyone else, it's disturbing, weird, something that he shouldn't be doing in the first place.
Eventually, when the slut that he hired to suck him off paid him and left, He slouched back into the couch and sighed. Sometimes he did think about it; his mind often went back to his parents. It's one of the rare things that do disgust him. He never understands why he still does this routine even when it reminds him of the most horrible moments of his life. But he does anyway, without thinking.
But his moments of thinking were cut short when there was a knock on his door.
“Scara, are you in there?” Nahida’s voice came through the door.
Scaramouche froze up as he heard her voice. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He was still drunk, but he was good at hiding it; he had gotten used to it anytime someone would intrude on his business.
Surprisingly, Nahida has never known what he does, and he wants it to stay that way; she’s the only one who currently sees him innocently.
Nahida has been the one to take care of him when he needs it the most. She took him in even though he is broken. He's forever grateful to her, but he'd never be able to say it outright. It's still not enough for him to change; he doesn't change his routine.
"I'm here, what do you need?" Scara says back at her. He tries not to sound too worked up or say anything that will make her suspicious. He is still anxious about her finding out anything, even though he's careful, as he has been for the past few years.
"I just want to talk to you about a few things. Can I come in?" Nahida's soothing voice fills the room again, and Scaramouche feels a small sense of comfort. He looks around to make sure there's no evidence of the encounter he just had, and when he sees none, he stands up to let her in.
Nahida is really short; she looked just like a little girl, ironic since she was like a mother to him. Scara was not that tall either, and he had a skinny, bony body from neglecting himself.
Nahida's presence lit up the room entirely; a drastic contrast from the way Scara is.
"Why are you staying here anyway? It's so dark and gloomy." Nahida walks in past him.
"I spend most of my time here. It's basically my home now." Scara shrugs; he doesn't get why she commented on it. It didn't matter at all to him.
Most of the time, Nahida's considerate and concerned nature made Scara very irritated; he didn't like being questioned for things that were obvious or held no real reason to be brought up.
Nahida lets out a sigh and turns around to face him now. "Maybe you should try, I don't know." She bites her lip. Scara knows that look; she's going to try to convince him to do something he hates. He crosses his arms when she stops talking for that one second.
"Maybe try going outside? Talking to people around Sumeru?"
There it was, exactly what Scara did not want to hear. He liked Nahida sometimes, but he didn't like it when she'd try this. The mere thought of going outside to socialize makes him want to throw up. He can't trust anyone out here, no matter what nation he is in.
"No," Scara says sternly.
He knows he should go outside; being in here like this is just making him even sicker, but he feels so comfortable in his sickness that trying to go out feels pointless to him. He looks down and sees Nahida's sad look; he groans.
"Would it make you happy if I did today, just once?" Scara uncrosses his arms, but he still looks annoyed. Nahida nods.
"I think that would be very good for you, Scara." A smile comes onto her face again. He sighs; he’s just doing it so she will shut up.
Nahida goes to the door, opens it, and expects him to follow; he does. When he steps outside into the bright light, he grimaces.
“Ugh, it’s so bright,” he scoffed and looked at the ground to shield himself from the bright sun that rose above Sumeru. “How do you handle it?”
Nahida hums softly. “You need to get used to it again. I believe in you.” She smiles softly at him again. It made Scara feel bad. She is too kind to someone like him.
Silence for a few moments; they don’t move anywhere; they stay still in the forests of Sumeru. It is a very pretty nation, with a lot of beautiful nature.
Scara could barely see in this, his eyes not wanting to adjust. Nahida breaks the silence.
”So are you going to go find people to socialize with? Don’t just stand here with me.”
Scara scoffs, Oh, he socializes with a lot of people, alright, not in the way she might think. But he doesn’t want to socialize with people in any other way than sex; it’s uninteresting to him.
”Ugh, fine.” He grumbles, but he goes along with it. “But who?”
Nahida sighs. He really needs guidance for everything. “You used to hang out with Tighnari, Cyno, Alhaithem, Collei, and others. How come that suddenly stopped?”
Scara sighed at the mention of them: Kaveh and Alhaitham, and even more so of Collei. He stopped hanging with her since they both experienced Dottore’s crazy shit; he didn’t want to remember him anymore.
”I don’t need to explain myself, do I? There’s just stuff.” Scara shrugs again.
“But I really want you to, it’ll be good for you. Just give it a chance. Just once? Either that or go back into your.. cave again.”
Nahida says dismissively. It surprised Scara; she’s not usually dismissive. He guessed she was getting tired of his antics, which made sense; anyone would be after a while. She endured it the longest.
”Only for you.” Scara says, before walking ahead of her, that he is tired of talking to her; he wants to get this “socializing” over with finally.
He goes to a restaurant in the main area of Sumeru, and, lucky him, the exact people Nahida wanted him to meet are there. Minus Collei. This does make Scara let out a sigh of relief.
”Hey, hat guy. We haven’t seen you in so long,” Tighnari, who is sitting at the table with Cyno, Kaveh, and Alhaitham, called out to him as he saw him approach. Right, they all call him the hat guy; he never told anyone in Sumeru, except Nahida, his real name; they didn’t need to know anything about him.
”Yeah, I’ve been busy.” Scara says, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could, even though he was a little curious, being here with him made him remember some things when he took a break from all his self-harm. He pushed the thought aside. He also wasn’t a fan of seeing Kaveh and Alhaitham together; he knew they were a thing, and it made something uncomfortable creep up inside of him. He didn’t get why, just something about seeing two guys together made him feel sick. If it was a reminder of his past with Dottore again, he didn't like it.
So Scara purposely tried to ignore them. He sat down next to Tighnari, they were drinking and playing some card game. He didn’t try to interact more; he just tuned out their conversation. At least they didn’t care. They seemed too interested in their game, though Tighnari did give him a few looks to make sure he was okay, but he didn’t dare say anything.
Scara perked up when he heard the door open and heard a very familiar female voice. “Ah, master Tighnari, I’m so sorry if I’m interrupting, I-“
Collei ran up but stopped when she saw Scara sitting next to Tighnari. They made eye contact for a few seconds before Scara looked to the side. Of course, she had to be here, he thought to himself. Can’t get any peace with anyone. He didn’t just see her; he saw Dottore at the same time. It made his body clench up with anxiety. But Collei just coughed once and continued her conversation with Tighnari.
Scara got up and walked out without looking back at any of them. Nahida was so dumb for making him do this. He didn’t want to. He didn’t need to. It was a pathetic waste of time and made him feel even sicker. He had to see fags and Collei what a great day he was having. At least Nahida was finally gone when he approached his motel room.
A few hours later, Scara realizes he is having one of those nights again; he can’t stop thinking about everything that happened today. He is so fucking doomed for the rest of his life that he couldn't even handle a few minutes of spending time with anyone without feeling sick and having to leave. On top of seeing Collei, he couldn't handle it.
He sits up out of the motel room bed and takes a few pills from the nightstand, maybe they would help him forget it all again?
Before he tries to sleep, his mind drifts back to earlier events with his parents. Every time he was having a hard day, he thought about them. He wishes he had cared for them. How come he still thinks about them when they ruined his life? Or maybe it's because it's not the only faggots he had to see today. Scara let the thoughts subside, the only thought on his mind was. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.
But he can’t even get to sleep in the first place. His hand goes down into his pants, and he starts to stroke himself to his disgusting thoughts; it is the only way to get them out. The thought of his parents is what got him off the most. Disgusting. Absolutely vile. But he kept doing it anyway. All the way until he went limp and had to lie back down.
”Gods above, why am I like this?” He muttered to himself with a load of obnoxious groans.
“I’m such a horrible person.” He couldn’t just stop here; it was too much, his emotions going haywire, from the drugs or from the day? Probably both, he takes the blade that he keeps with him off the nightstand, and he places it by his wrist, a vulnerable spot, which could very easily kill him right now if he tried hard enough. But he started to get lightheaded at the thought. He still held the razor blade, but lay down to do it. So what if he passes out?
He thinks he deserves this. He places the blade down against his wrist and does a fast swipe across, but it doesn’t make him whimper or react. He’s used to it at this point. His arm is full of old scars, he hasn’t cut in a while, and it’s obvious. But his body acts differently from his mind. He passes out.