Work Text:
The Review
10:43 am
Office of Review
Kinder K Kinder, reviewer
“So, we will be recording this for the record.” Agent Kinder began as Loki and Mobius sat down. “I am interviewing Mobius M Mobius and Loki L Loki.”
“That is not my name.” Loki said, before leaning into the microphone. “Loki Laufeyson, Rightful King of Jotunheim, Prince of Asgard, Analyst. If you are going to name me for the record at least record it correctly.”
“Very well. Loki Laufeyson, Junior Analyst in training.”
“I do not think of Loki as a Junior Analyst. Clearly, he has earned the title analyst.” Mobius interrupted. “He saved those agents on the Helicom Prine incident last week. We would have lost fifteen good operatives if Loki had not thought to turn off the cake mixer.”
“Loki turned on the cake mixer to begin with.” Agent Kinder frowned and took down a note.
“It said do not push. What was I meant to do?” Loki crossed his arms with a smirk. “Not push it.”
“That does seem the reasonable option.” Mobius nodded. “However, we all know that Loki cannot be held accountable for impulsive behavior, provided he repairs the damage himself. It is in his contract.”
“Very well.” Kinder replied, taking another note. “Analyst Loki and Analyst Mobius are here for their review. It is now 10:51. The Purple Pudding Cafeteria Incident.”
“I was on the timeline at that time.” Loki interrupted quickly. “I am still sorry I missed it. It sounded delightful.”
“There is no proof Loki was involved in that.” Mobius said at the same time.
“There is no record of Loki assigned to a timeline incident.” Kinder flipped through the records.
“I often slip to the timeline off the record. Mobius likes pie. The best pie is New Jersey, June 1958.”
“Loki!” Mobius gasped. “You said you made that pie! I’m hurt. You didn’t bake after all.”
“I told you I obtained it myself. I never said bake.” Loki shook his head. “I am a god. I do not bake. Additionally, there is no access to the correct appliances.”
“Whatever. At any rate, he still had nothing to do with the Purple Pudding.”
“We will return to the unregistered timeline violation. “Kinder took another note. “Now when you arranged the Pudding- “
“I did not. I would never miss a hilarious joke.”
“Mr. Laufyson, it is hardly appropriate- “
“Analyst. Noy Mr. Mobius interrupted.
“Analyst Mobius.” Kinder took another note. “Where were you during the Purple Pudding Incident?”
“I was in a very important meeting. About the Green Tie Accident.” Mobius replied. “Which Loki was also not involved with.”
“Was that 1923 Houston?” Loki asked with a frown. “
“Yes.”
“No. You told me there were rodeo clowns. I do not interact with those things.” Loki stood up, Mobius frowned, Loki sat back down. “Casey is obsessed with Purple Pudding. You should ask him.”
“Very well.” Kinder took another note. Now. About the timeline violation- “
“Well, look at the time. We are due at another meeting.” Mobius replied, as he grabbed Loki’s shoulder to drag him out of the room.
9:23 am
Office of Review
Kinder K Kinder, reviewer
“So, we will be recording this for the record.” Agent Kinder began as Loki and Mobius sat down. “I am interviewing Mobius M Mobius and Loki Laufeyson.”
“We were nowhere near New York, 2003.” Mobius interrupted.
“Nor did I have anything to do with the nine hundred and forty-nine lobsters liberated from the tank.”
“What lobsters would those be Analyst Laufeyson?” Kinder asked.
“Did someone mention lobsters?” Loki frowned. “I remember it differently. “
“Loki. Everyone knows about the lobsters.” Mobius shook his head. “Now, about 1923- “
“We are here for 2003. We are reviewing Cleveland, 2026. Two hundred Hot Air Ballon raid.”
“Oh that.” Loki slumped into his chair. “I already corrected it.”
“It was a gross ever estimation.” Mobius added with a nod. “We needed more agents.”
“Yet the paperwork claims you dismissed the agents.” Kinder flipped through the record. “Fifty-Four Canadian Geese became involved. Canadian Geese!”
“Canadian Geese are evil.” Loki yelled. “I suspect they were created by HYDRA, SHIELD, or possibly my father.”
“Loki hates geese.” Mobius patted Loki’s shoulder comfortingly. “He was chased by them in 1887 and avoided earth for nearly half a century.”
“Loki. Your contract clearly states you are to repair any chaos you create.” Kinder pulled out the contract as evidence. “Yet record shows you left the area without repairing the damage.”
“There. Were. Geese.” Loki pounded on the table. “I had to do it.”
“By which he means leaving. He had nothing to do with the premature release.” Mobius said as he grabbed Loki to drag him out. “That was B-23.”
6:23 am
Office of Review
Kinder K Kinder, reviewer
“So, we will be recording this for the record.” Agent Kinder began as Loki and Mobius sat down. “I am interviewing Mobius M Mobius and Loki Laufeyson.”
“Can we just get to this? It is completely unacceptable hold a meeting this early.” Loki rolled his eyes. “There was no tea in the cafeteria. I had to settle with coffee. COFFEE.”
“Loki, I brought you a tea. Stop being dramatic.” Mobius offered the paper cup to Loki who refused to at it on principle.
“We need to speak about the 1458th floor mud incident.” Kinder flipped through the file.
“We were no where near the 1458th floor. Ever.” Mobius frowned.
“I have been there forty-seven times this month. The accounting department is delightful.” Loki sighed. “They have the most amusing jokes.”
“Loki, you really have to stop helping.” Mobius shook his head. “We were in Montana on Tuesday.”
“Precisely. We were there the entire day.” Loki agreed.
Kinder marked something on the chart. “So, you admit you were in Montana on the 23rd for 18 hours?”
“…No?” Mobius covered Loki’s mouth immediately. Loki licked his palm. Mobius glared but refused to move his hand. Loki kicked him. Mobius kicked him back. “We were there on the 14th, not the 23rd. and we were only there for an hour and a half.”
“Thank you, Mobius.” Kinder replied. Loki elbowed Mobius in the side. Mobius grunted and finally let go. “Then you admit you violated procedure code 26 subsection H. We will send the reparation paperwork by Tuesday.”
“You really need to learn to listen to me.” Loki drug Mobius out of the room with his tie. “I know how to misdirect, you however, are terrible at it.”
“This is Agent Kinder K Kinder. On the three hundred and seventeenth attempt we received confirmation that Analyst Mobius and Analyst Laufeyson were indeed involved in the Franklin Lake Incident. Assigning case to Judge Pearlmont for further escalation.”
The End?