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Zero Stars: Worst Simulation Ever

Summary:

"Don't worry, you can tap out if it gets too much," Lunda said cheerfully.

"Can I tap out now?"

"No."

Krampus brought a hand to his face. "Fuck."

---

Lunda conjured up a period cramp simulator. Naturally, the girls fare well, but Krampus and Eldar don't exactly have a good time. Neither does Nebula, but he's too stubborn to show it.

Notes:

(unrelated but RD finally appeared in the manhwa hes drawn so goofy lmaoo
now i wait for hegemonia to come back... i miss her)

I didn't put this in the TNC Genre Collection because it's practically on the same genre as [Reverse Adoption].

This fic is dedicated to Menstrual Hygiene Day, on the 28th of May.

Enjoy!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"Behold," Lunda announced, holding a device in the air, "my new creation!"

Krampus, Wisdom, AR and Eldar stared at her, then at the device.

"What is it?" Eldar was the first to say. AR nodded, concurring.

"A period pain simulator."

"Huh?"

"A period pain simulator," Lunda repeated. She shook it around like it was a pack of treats. "And you guys are going to test it for me."

"I'm not doing that," Wisdom immediately denied.

Krampus backed away from the device Lunda was holding up in the air like it was toxic waste. "I am not testing out your pain simulator."

"Oh, come on! It'll be so exciting, don't you think?"

"I know I'm the Constellation of Enthusiasm but that doesn't mean I'm excited about this!"

"How did you even manage to create that?" Wisdom asked her. His voice held the natural curiosity of a designer, but even he leaned back ever so slightly when Lunda held it up in front of him.

"Oh, don't worry about it." Lunda waved a hand casually. "I have my ways." Wisdom didn't look like he was satisfied with the answer, but he didn't look like he was going to ask for more details, either.

AR, although calmer about the situation, skeptically asked, "Can that really simulate period cramps? The technology we have is advanced, of course, but usually the pains are more internal than anything. It probably wouldn't be as painful."

"I think it's accurate enough." Eldar shrugged. "Earth had these before. Both guys and girls posted about using these for challenges sometimes, if I recall correctly."

"They're willing to subject themselves to that?"

"I'm not!" Krampus exclaimed. He backed away even more when Lunda approached him. "Lunda, get that away from me. Hey, why don't you ask Wisdom to go first instead?"

Lunda stepped forward again. "Don't worry, he'll get his turn too."

"What?" Wisdom asked in disbelief. Lunda pointedly ignored him. "How would I…"

"How what?" Jang-Wan interrupted. She walked into the room but stopped when she saw Lunda and the device she held in her hand. "Is that a period pain simulator?"

AR looked at her with surprise. "You could tell?"

"Yeah." Jang-Wan heaved a long-suffering sigh. "A few old friends had made me try it when I was on Earth to see how accurate it was."

"And was it?"

"Unfortunately."

"That's interesting…"

Meanwhile, Lunda was wrestling with Krampus, trying to put the device under his shirt while he resisted. It was a strange sight. AR looked away as she tried not to laugh.

"Are… are you trying it yourself as well, Lunda?" Eldar asked, covering a face with their hand, also trying not to laugh.

"Yeah. I did test it before while making it to make sure it's accurate, but—Krampus, stay still!"

Eldar's shoulders started shaking.

Krampus, who finally gave up, watched in defeat as Lunda stuck the pads on him. "Are you done?" he asked tiredly.

Lunda's bright expression contrasted his. "Yup!" she said cheerfully, patting his shoulder. As she was also putting the pads on herself, she added, "Don't worry, you can tap out if it gets too much."

"Can I tap out now?"

"No."

Krampus brought a hand to his face. "Fuck."

"I'll start off with the lowest setting, and then I'll turn it up from there. Oh, and make sure you're able to feel pain. The test is useless otherwise."

He sighed and plopped down onto a chair. "I got it."

"This is either going to be anticlimactic or go completely wrong," Jang-Wan noted.

"I could see either way, honestly," Eldar replied to her.

The first two settings were bearable, to Krampus's relief. "Oh, now it's really kicking in," he said, wincing as Lunda turned it on higher. "How far does this even go?"

"Oh, there's ten levels to it. We're on the third one."

"Wait, what?"

Lunda hummed and turned the simulator higher again. Krampus grimaced at the sensation.

"How are you two feeling?" Wisdom asked them, sitting down next to Krampus.

"Sunshine and rainbows," Krampus answered dryly.

"Fun, right?" Lunda asked.

"How are you not reacting to this at all?"

Lunda tilted her head. "The pain's pretty passive, honestly. I would say this was one of the better days during my cycle."

"Better?" Krampus looked at her, baffled.

"I feel lucky," AR commented. "My pains were quite severe, but it was only on the first day and I was fine for the rest of the days."

"You really condensed all your pain into one day, huh?" Eldar remarked from the side. AR nodded.

"The pains happened the whole time for me, but I don't get overly painful cramps," Jang-Wan said. "Although it takes quite a few painkillers and a heating pad for hours, my symptoms weren't bad enough to the point where I had to go to the hospital."

"Same. The amount of horror stories I've heard about people who had cramps so bad they had to go to the hospital was actually kind of insane," Lunda sighed.

"I feel like this is the kind of pain I'd go to the hospital for, that's for sure," Krampus said through his gritted teeth.

"What? Oh, no. That was only the average level of pain, let alone it being hospital-worthy," Lunda responded, and turned a knob on the device.

Krampus curled up into a ball in his seat. "This is not okay. What the fuck? That's the highest setting, right?"

"No, um, we're just over halfway."

Krampus groaned into his hands.

"Do you want to stop here?" Lunda asked him after she turned up another setting. "It's not like I need every pain level tested anyway. I just want to see what it feels like for you guys."

"I can tap out now?"

"Yeah."

"Then turn that shit off, I—" Krampus breathed a huge sigh of relief when Lunda finally flicked a switch, and the pain ebbed away. He slowly slid onto the floor, still holding his stomach tightly. "I'm never doing that again. Don't make me do that again or I'll start throwing hands."

"Seven out of ten. You did pretty well, all things considered," AR said to him.

"And before you make me be your next tester," Wisdom cut in as Lunda started to turn towards him, "I can't exactly feel pain because I don't have a real way to perceive it." He pointed at his dodecahedron-shaped head, which was turning slowly.

Lunda paused, frowned, then said, "You're right. You don't exactly have a spinal cord." She hesitated some more, then finally decided, "Fine, you're exempt." She looks up at AR, Eldar, and Jang-Wan. "You three can, though."

"I'll pass," AR refused. "Period cramps were one of the things that I definitely don't miss and wouldn't want to experience again."

Lunda shrugged. "That's fair."

"Can you even wear them with your dress?" Jang-Wan asked her as Lunda handed her the pads.

"I probably can't."

"Would it be wrong to say I'm kind of curious?" Eldar asked. He looked at the pads Lunda gave him, turning it over in his hand.

"You'll regret it," Krampus mumbled into the floor.

Eldar looked mildly embarrassed, even though they weren't the one dying on the floor. "I probably will, but satisfaction brought the cat back, didn't it?"

Lunda turned the device on. Eldar blinked at the feeling. "Huh," they said to themselves. "It feels kind of weird. Like someone trying to poke you really hard."

"I don't feel it," Jang-Wan added. "This is the lowest, right?"

"Yeah," Lunda confirmed.

On the fourth setting, Eldar closed their eyes, taking a deep breath, before opening them again. "Now it's really starting to feel like someone is trying to squeeze my insides into mush."

"You look like you're having a fun time too," Wisdom said from the side. "It does make me grateful that I can't experience it."

Eldar only exhaled in response.

On the seventh setting, Eldar looked close to tapping out.

"Are you good?" Jang-Wan studied their face. "You kind of look like you're going to pass out."

"I probably am," Eldar said, and then cursed under their breath. "What level was this again?"

"Ten settings total, and you're on the seventh one," Lunda informed them. "You're actually doing a lot better than I thought you would."

"Honestly, I thought I wouldn't make it past the fifth one from how Krampus was acting."

"I'm still here…" said Krampus, still lying face-down on the ground.

"Okay, let's stop here," Lunda said, turning the device off. Eldar, who had tensed up their body the whole time, finally relaxed. They didn't collapse onto the floor like Krampus, but they looked like they had ran nonstop for hours and was only just granted a rest.

"You're more well-off than I am right now," they said, looking at Jang-Wan, who hadn't moved or flinched during the whole ordeal, keeping her facial expression carefully neutral.

"To be fair, that pain was usually what I had to deal with, so anything above that would be uncharted territory," she replied. She took off the pads and handed them back to Lunda. "You made it pretty accurate, which is impressive," Jang-Wan said to her.

"It did take a while, but I eventually got it in the end."

After Lunda said that, they started to hear voices from the hallway outside of the room. Even Krampus lifted his head—although with great difficulty—as two people could be heard walking toward the room they were in. As the door opened, their words could be heard clearly.

"—And so I told that idiot that silencers don't actually make guns silent, but he wasn't listening to what I said at all and decided to—" Hegemonia walked in first, talking to Nebula, who was right beside her. She turned to look in front of her but cut her words short when she found the sight that greeted her. Nebula also stopped in his tracks when he saw the others. With Krampus sprawled on the ground, Eldar acting like they had ran a marathon, and Lunda looking like a deer in headlights, the newcomers were undoubtedly very perplexed.

"What are you doing?" Nebula asked, addressing the group after a beat of awkward silence.

Wisdom was the first to say something. "Ask her," he said, tilting his head towards Lunda.

"Testing something," Lunda said. Her initial shock has faded, and she composed herself. Clearing her throat, she continued. "For what it's worth, it's great so far."

"Great!?" Krampus asked incredulously. He dropped his head back onto the ground with a thunk. "I'm suffering here."

"It's been ten minutes, Krampus," Jang-Wan said, nudging his arm with a foot. "You should be fine by now."

"Did I walk in on a new torture method experiment?" Nebula asked, raising a brow.

"Yes!" Krampus exclaimed.

"No," Lunda denied at the same time.

Krampus moved his head to glare at her. "Well, it certainly felt like one!"

"It's just a period cramp simulator," AR told Nebula and Hegemonia with a shrug, ignoring the growing argument between the other two.

Nebula frowned, clearly not expecting that answer. Hegemonia also looked taken aback.

"A period cramp simulator," she said slowly, as if trying to process the answer. "Are you that bored?" she asked when AR confirmed her words.

Now Lunda looked self-conscious. "No comment," she said eventually.

"If it makes you feel better, it was really accurate," Jang-Wan supplied helpfully.

"Sure," Nebula said slowly. "Well, since you're using this room, we'll be going—"

"Wait," Lunda said in a surprisingly serious tone. "You two should also test it."

Jang-Wan let out a long exhale that sounded too suspicious to not be an attempt at suppressing a laugh, whereas Eldar looked like they would have spat out their tea if they were drinking one at that moment. AR closed her fan with an unnaturally loud snap.

"What makes you think I'm subjecting myself to that?" Hegemonia's voice slightly raised in disbelief. "The real ones sucked already. Thank fuck I don't get those anymore."

"And why am I being dragged into this?" Nebula asked with disconcertion.

Lunda, unwavering, said, "The more data the better, no?"

"What kind of data requires testing out pain tolerance?"

"Since when do you run actual tests and calculate data?" Wisdom muttered quietly.

"Since now, now shut up for a second," she hissed at Wisdom. She turned back to Hegemonia and added, "It has to be from the Constellations, and there's less than forty of us. I need everyone for this."

After a beat of silence, Hegemonia said with finalty, "Fine. But after this, I'm done,"

Lunda nodded in agreement. "We start with the lowest, and turn it up until either one of you tap out or you hit the highest setting."

"How many levels are there?" Nebula asked.

"Ten."

A few minutes later, Lunda announced, "Okay, now we're halfway. How is it?"

Nebula thought for a moment, then said, "It feels kind of strange."

Hegemonia didn't react to the sensation besides shifting in her seat. "It still doesn't feel like anything."

"Are you sure you made yourself able to feel pain?"

She frowned in response. "What are you talking about?"

"Some Constellations prefer not to feel any kind of pain, so they just kind of… turn it off," Eldar explained.

"That's stupid," Hegemonia determined instantly.

Lunda took a deep breath. "So I'm assuming that you genuinely just don't feel anything?"

"What else?"

"Impressive pain tolerance, honestly," Jang-Wan said, "although being the Constellation of War probably has something to do with it." Next to her, AR silently agreed with her words.

Hegemonia crossed her legs. "You should just go to the highest setting at this rate."

"I'm not jumping five levels for this. Don't you feel bad for Nebula?" Lunda asked her, tapping the device with her finger.

"Who do you think she is?" Nebula replied with amusement, not bothered with Hegemonia's words.

Lunda sighed. "You're right. Fine, I'll turn it up, but I'll only go two levels at a time max for the sake of whatever safety is left."

On the ninth setting, Hegemonia said, "Oh, now I get it."

"Get what?" Eldar asked.

"Hm." Hegemonia pondered for a moment. "It feels more like getting stabbed with a sword than the actual cramps."

"It does feel like that, actually," Nebula agreed. "A sword covered in poison."

"You're doing really well though, Nebula," Wisdom noted.

Jang-Wan rolled her eyes. "He's just good at hiding what he really feels. It's probably painful as fuck for him right now."

Nebula sighed. "It's not something I want to experience again."

Notes:

Was that awkward to read? Uncomfortable? If yes, you're not alone. I sent this to my friend, and even she said she felt weird reading it. I, admittedly, also felt awkward writing this, because periods are one of those 'uncomfortable' topics that is stigmatized by society.

When you look at the many videos of people trying out these period cramp simulators, oftentimes they'll say, "This can't be accurate" or "How bad can it be?" These kinds of statements---even if they don't have the intent to---can be hurtful. The first time I watched one of these videos and saw someone saying this, it pissed me off.

Cramps aren't the only effects in periods, either. Bloating, vomiting, brain fog, loss of appetite, mood swings, and fatigue are just one of many symptoms women can go through. However, many have jobs to work, chores to do, and lives to live. The vast majority just have to power through these symptoms and go on with their day.

Half the population goes through this very menstrual cycle for an average of five days every 28 days. (Hence the 28th of May.) Millions around the world don't have access to clean and good hygiene, despite that. Furthermore, it is treated as a source of shame by many men and even women themselves.

Periods are natural and a part of life. Discussing periods should not be considered 'TMI' or 'socially inappropriate.' Seeing menstrual products should not be 'disgusting' or 'uncomfortable', nor should they be expensive to where people cannot afford it. Women should not have to be told to 'deal with it' or to 'just take a pill and you'll be fine'.

Everyone should have access to education that can inform them about puberty, their bodies, and their health. Parents should be responsible for educating their children (both boys and girls) in an appropriate manner about puberty.

My first period started when I was 12, safe at home. My mother, a nurse, had more than enough information to tell me about the changes my body would have to go through as I got older. We were financially stable enough to buy plenty of menstrual products without worry.

I was lucky. Others weren't.

Happy Menstrual Hygiene Day. Stay safe and healthy!