Chapter Text
White, it was all white.
The curtains, the walls, the bedsheet, the flower pot, the lilies blossomed, the carpet, the door… It was all the same colour.
Lying there inside was a lady, who dressed in sleepwear as chalky as snow, with her porcelain skin and hair garment bearing the same colour.
Inside were nothing to entertain, simple and chromatic. All that remained was the girl and her presence; she didn't speak, didn't see, and didn't talk. Not until the appropriate time, not until he arrived.
Since when did she start to anticipate his arrival? The lady possessed no explanation, for she had long lost track of time. The room was devoid of windows, and therefore made her unable to tell the time. The only way she could mark the hours was through the longevity of his advent, because she knew he couldn’t live without her.
When a voice came in with a knock.
“Emilia-tan?”
She knew one that opened the door need not to drop their name.
“I’m here.”
Thousands of locks yet none lead to her.
“Puck, please open the door now.”
For the real one lies far amidst the haystack.
“On it!”
Following her father’s guidance, he opened the unlocked door.
“Hmm, what’s with that attitude? If you spoil the father’s mood, he might not let you see his daughter, you know. If you could understand the feelings of a father with a daughter at such a ripe age just a bit better, it would make me happy…”
The boy who had taken her wishes emerged.
“That’s enough, Halbel-san. You can go.”
A cold voice lacking any emotional touch, simply a cold dismissal toward his subordinate. The wolfman, who was one of his followers—turned his head and walked away from the hall, seemingly already losing interest in his master’s princess.
“I said this every time but well. If anything happens, feel free to call me.”
Biting off his kiseru, the man walked away with listless mumbling, leaving behind his master along with the floating grey cat.
“Hi Emilia-tan. How was your day?”
Starting their conversation with a simple greeting, the boy came off with a tired smile, a fake one at that. But his fake charade never mattered to Emilia, nor the polite etiquette—the connection between the two lay much deeper than those meaningless words; that was something she certainly knew.
“It’s fine, I was waiting for you, Subaru.”
As if knowing what would happen, Emilia leaned herself on the side of the bed, with her knee kneeling down as she patted her lap. Taking this as a sign, Subaru promptly placed his head onto it, closing his eyes as he sighed.
“Well, I guess I'll leave, or else make things awkward for you two. Just be careful if you dare to lay a hand on her, Subaru.” With his final words of departure being a threat, Puck dispated into tiny mana droplets, allowing the two to spend their time privately
Emilia started to caress his face, stroking his spiky hair as she gazed into the heavy eye bags under his eyelids—the result of several sleepless days due to his countless amount of work and anxiety. She knew this, for Subaru had spent most of his time awake telling her about his stressful day while crying.
To satiate the rare time she could enjoy Subaru for herself, however, Emilia decided to leave the matter for later, as she started humming a broken tune while patting his head, feeling the tangled hair through the gaps of her fingers.
“Subaru is such a dunderhead…”
As she mumbled in a tone similar to that of a scolding, Emilia sighed as she pulled up his sleeves, which revealed several lines on his forearms. Although the scratching was chaotic, the manner of how it was caused was consistent—every scar curved inward, clearly showing that the injuries were self-inflicted.
It’s not a rare occasion for Emilia to come across this during his visits, for she has nothing to do but fondle him during his slumber. Of course, Emilia wouldn’t do something too far or indecent to the vulnerable Subaru in his sleep, but the opportunities to understand the black-haired boy were often around these moments—for he refused to talk about himself openly, seeing it as a way to expose his weakness.
However, his anxiety proved fruitless, for Emilia thought that just by meeting her this way—he had already exposed quite a lot of secrets to her; the scars on his arms were simply an example.
“...”
Lulling a tune to call the minor spirit, a soft and ethereal glow accompanied her hand’s movement as she laid it delicately on Subaru’s arm. Her healing capabilities might not be top of the world to treat any injuries, but it would at least lessen and hide away the grey lines on his body. Emilia wondered if he knew about this, although it would be certain if he just checked his body once in a while—and saw all the wounds fade away whenever he left her room.
This doesn’t mean that Emilia would prefer Subaru to keep harming himself like this, not at all. It greatly upsets her whenever she rolls up his sleeves, but she doesn't know what she should do, for Emilia has long given up asking him anything.
When he left and arrived without saying a word, Emilia was angry. Angry about him for not saying anything, about never explaining what happened after he ran away and about the reason why he brought her here. All Emilia knew was that Puck had been convinced by him, and so she had stayed inside this room ever since.
However, her wrath was never directed toward Subaru; it was often around his actions, but never himself. Emilia found it hard to even hate the boy. He was the first person to compliment her, to care for her despite knowing her elven features, to continue looking her way even though she knew she never deserved to. She…thinks it’s difficult for her to take her eyes off him.
“Uhm…”
Before she could finish her healing, the boy shifted himself uncomfortably—almost as if the amenity brought by calming water hurt him; not physically, but mentally, as he started writhing around, mumbling those words that belong to a madman.
“I’m not…I’m not one of them…I’m…where…where is all the colour?”
The incoherent groans continued, and Subaru’s hands started to wander around his arms, ignoring the layer of clothes as he peeled off his sleeves with his nails, getting dangerously close to the closed-off wounds that Emilia had just managed to patch.
“Eh!”
Emilia was more than surprised; she usually only did this when he was in deep sleep. But the small reminiscing earlier made her lose the patience she had and decide to make the treatment earlier than usual… Was this the reason for his extreme reaction? What had caused him to react so violently to something as gentle as water magic? In panic, Emilia was shaken by his action, causing her to stand up unexpectedly while carrying Subaru up with her, forcing him to wake up from his nightmarish slumber.
The bad memories with water magic paired with the surprised position Subaru caught himself in threw him off guard; he didn’t know what he was even doing, struggling in Emilia’s grip without a single idea it was her.
“Ah..ahh…let me…out.”
Confused between tightening her grip and ending up making Subaru hurt, or releasing him and making the boy fall flat on the floor, Emilia didn't know how to respond, keeping the awkward stance until he stopped shaking.
“Calm down, calm down. Keep calm and identify who this is.”
“Their hands are slender, soft as well. Try to use smell, it is familiar. Did someone betray me again? I should have flipped the coin again.”
“This voice…sounds sweet, was it her? Was it Emilia? Did Emilia betray me? Is she trying to kill me?”
“I won’t let that happen. Not again, I can’t lose someone else with colour again…all I have is…”
With eyes sharpened in grief and the intention to kill, Subaru hardened his resolve, as he was about to accept the fact that someone he cared about would lose their colour soon, until—
He noticed it; the gesture wasn’t violence, it was simply restraining enough to keep Subaru from hurting himself or falling to the floor. Those hands gripped him not with force but with utter sincerity and dedication—as if she was handling glass.
Was it wrong then? Subaru tried to catch a glimpse of her face, and there it was. The dreadful look on her wasn’t meant with the intent to murder. It was simply a worry and concern for him; Subaru was too doubtful. Of course, someone with colour will never change, they won’t no matter what.
The room was supposed to be white, all white. From the curtain to the door, the bedsheet and even the lilies flower pot. Subaru had ordered it all to be filled with only the colour white… yet he can’t even see any trace of shade. His world remains in monochrome, a purgatory between black and white with no way to recover. The only porcelain tone he could witness was the skin of hers… Emilia.
“Subaru! I’m here… are you okay?”
Murmuring words that she wasn’t familiar with, Emilia tried to call Subaru out of his shock. To which he replied by placing his hand on her face, caressing it dearly as he smiled in relief.
“Those clothes on you…have such beautiful colour.”
“Uh… thanks? I’m glad that you see me as pretty. But I’m more worried about you! You were shaking earlier when I tried to heal you.”
“Heal me?”
Emilia had slipped up; she wasn’t sure if Subaru knew the person who was healing him this whole time was her. But based on his reaction, it seems like he’s only finding this out now. She didn’t know how he would react to this—she never knew what he was thinking.
“…Thanks, at least now I know who healed me. Thought it was just my wounds patched up faster than normal.”
“It’s not really how natural healing works, Subaru. But…Why do you even hurt yourself? Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Despite her question, Subaru didn’t seem to possess the will to answer her. He couldn’t even if he wanted to. The memories of Rem’s betrayal will forever be buried along with the curse the Witch of Envy has placed on him… although, using it to ask for some extra time with Emilia wouldn’t hurt, right?
“Not really. Can I go back to sleep? I don’t think that was enough to get back for a whole week of—”
“A week?! Subaru, sit back down, you need to sleep right now!”
And before he can even retaliate, Emilia pulls him down into a sitting position, while she tries to seat herself—but the soreness in her legs stops her from doing so. Normally, after finishing their time together, Subaru would leave instantly without a word of departure, and it would make sense for him not to know how much her legs would ache after a few hours of kneeling to deliver his lap pillow.
Looking at her crumbling form, Subaru stood up and guided her toward the bed, lamenting in his mind about how careless he was. He should have known, or even just given her a goodbye after he departed, but he was too afraid of the world, and too tired of everything to notice. Just by avoiding his sleepless night, Subaru has hurt Emilia, and he couldn’t accept that.
She’s one of the few people who have colour after all; that silky smooth skin that is cleared of the sorrowful and monochromatic world, the amethyst eyes still retaining that incandescent hue of purple… and of course, the radiant and flowing hair paired nicely with the white clothes he gave her. The shade of white was a rare exception to what Subaru can perceive, and it was only visible on Emilia; he couldn’t bear to lose it.
“Sorry Emilia. I’ll be more careful next time, can’t afford to make you hurt, right? But please, if you’re angry with me, then please keep doing that.”
Telling her the complete opposite of what Emilia was expecting, Subaru bowed lightly—showing his apologetic gesture. She quickly responded by waving her hands in confusion, clearly showing that she doesn’t need an apology.
“Subaru, I would love a thank you more than a sorry. I did it not because I want to make you feel bad, I did it because I believe you can get some proper rest and be healthy… you’re such a dunderhead sometimes.”
“…Thank you for lending me your lap and a place to sleep then, Emilia-tan. I’ll go now.”
As he prepared to leave, the bags under his eyes once again grew heavy on him, squeezing tightly as he tried to regain his consciousness. Subaru instead lost his balance the moment he tried to stand up, and was about to fall face-first onto the floor.
“…!”
Emilia, with her superhuman reaction, quickly caught him before the fall, bringing him close into her embrace as she asked in worry.
“Subaru! You’re seriously sleep deprived! That’s not enough sleep for you yet. Let’s go back.”
No matter how much she tried to convince him, Subaru only replied with a grunting head shake. Seeming disinterested in even hearing her, he had already solidified it—if seeking sleep was the reason why Emilia was hurt, then maybe he doesn’t deserve it. Those incandescent palette of colours are worth more than anything he could ask for.
“I can’t. If I asked for another lap pillow then your legs wouldn’t be able to handle standing up, right? It’s my fault, so I’ll deal with it myself.”
“But Subaru…”
As she was about to give up, Emilia suddenly came up with an idea most ingenious. If he needs her presence to go to sleep, then…
“You can just sleep together with me, here. The bed is too big for one person after all.”
Patting the soft mattress, Emilia smiled eagerly at him, having no idea what this could imply.
Raising his eyebrow as he looked back and forth between the bed and the half-elf, the heaviness of his gaze paired with the dreamy-like state of the room was lulling him fast asleep. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt.
“…Sure.”
Dropping straight into the bed, Subaru groaned lightly as he felt the softness of the sheets fluff against his face, before being pulled into Emilia’s arms for a more comfortable position.
“Sleeping like that would hurt your neck, and you need to feel my presence too, right?”
“Uhm…”
Purring into her hug, Subaru nodded lightly, having no strength left to answer. Those days were tiring and exhausting. He has killed numerous people just this week, from a poor merchant who wished to open trade, to a newly appointed servant he came across, to a young child he randomly met… All could betray him one day, in one way or another, so that’s why the coin was flipped.
Heads, you live. Tails, and his bodyguard would cut you down in a second. That’s how he lived his days, for those with no colour can’t be trusted. They would lie, deceive, and hurt him soon, no matter what they said—the tone, the facial expression, the sincerity, and the proof of it all. If someone with no colour told him water has no taste, he would have a hard time believing it, for those with no colour always lie.
He can’t let himself place trust in others, and that’s why a random coin flip would suffice. Instead of trying to place his faith in one another and ending up heartbroken by it, at least… The coin has a 50/50 chance of doing things better than him. That’s what Subaru tried to entrust. A motionless object was the only thing he could have confidence in, aside from those with colour of course.
“You’re warm, and smell nice too.”
“That’s not reaaally how you compliment a lady, Subaru. Just sleep already.”
As he buried his nose into her neck, feeling the tantalizing scent of lavender in her hair, he started to wonder why such overwhelming comfort arose when they were this close to each other. Despite his body still being that of a young and healthy teenage boy, his mind had gone far from normal, ridden with tragedies and memories he couldn’t share with anyone. He didn’t possess the need to feel lust, nor the desire to procreate—at least not now. It’s just… Emilia has shown him more than just her shunning and the unchanging side of her, yet Subaru still hasn’t lost her colour. What does this mean? Does Emilia have more to her than his surface-level thinking could deduce? Or has affection become something he wishes to seek from her? It was a unique case, for he knew the colour of Ram shall never change because of her anger toward him. But what about Emilia?
She must be angry at him at first, for sure. But what happened next? She decided to stay with him, allowing herself to be trapped in a room she has no problem getting out of, with terrible decoration and nothing to do, like a birdcage of sorts. Yet still… Emilia listens to his cries, nodding along to each and every broken word he mustered during his distress, without ever discouraging him, without ever hurting him to vent her supposed wrath. Was it really gone?
He turned his head up slightly, seeing her sleeping face as she nuzzled into his hair. Those colours still remain, and it proved to him that Subaru wasn’t seeking Emilia’s anger in those amethyst eyes, but something else.
“What that could be” would be a redundant answer. “Why would it be” however would be more appropriate, for Subaru has expected himself to have long lost those feelings.
The answer he sought and what he found in Emilia remains stagnant for now, as he too is drowned in exhaustion and soon languishes in her being.
“That’s fucking bastard…”
A curse upon a betrayal by a young man, they were running with a dagger etched into their shoulder, blood seeping into the clothes that were already torn and dirty. Accompanying his steps were the shaking and the sound of crashing, signifying the fall of Pandemonium.
“Shouldn’t have killed that damn clown.”
After the fall of the greatest mage of the kingdom of Lugnica: Roswaal L. Mathers. The dragon kingdom has deemed the Purge King the greatest threat and sent the Sword Saint to eradicate him and the entire organization. Albeit with the help of Halibel and Cecilius having stopped him somewhat, Reinhard van Astrea was still the strongest creature up to date.
“That won’t stop him. That fucking piece of shit lost his colour too, I can’t trust him. I won’t die by his hand.”
Those who possessed no colour have no right to kill him; he will not accept it. Only those whose shades are still vibrant in his eyes are allowed to take his breath away. Everything has been ruined to bits and pieces, and therefore, the most reasonable conclusion was to reset, get a better plan, and prevent everything.
Would the checkpoint be before or after he killed Roswaal? Subaru wasn’t sure, but he would solve this problem nevertheless. He just needs to find someone that can kill her. After Beatrice’s death, there are only two left…
Ram and Emilia. One who was confined in his own private chamber, and one waiting for him below Pandemonium, both free from the chaos that reigned over the place. Emilia’s route would be faster, and that was why Subaru was heading straight toward her.
Before his crumbling form gave out to the injury, a flashing thought appeared in his mind. He was getting to Emilia, asking her to take his life by her own hands. But could he be able to convince her to do so, and could he bear the thought of letting someone like her take his life away? He had never thought of that, for most of the time he was resetting it was by Ram doing the work—she is usually just next to him when such a problem occurred, so he never had to ask Emilia for this.
His emotions and feelings for her were still jumbled and mixed up, nothing really came to a conclusion no matter how hard he tried. Ever since that particular night, they have spent more time together, mostly talking, sleeping, and even cuddling together—Subaru just found that it was nice, albeit Puck wasn’t very fond of it.
What was Emilia to him? When they first met, she was someone whom he admired, loved even. He tried hard to approach her, but…many things had stood in their way, to the point where he is now tattered and broken, but has his feelings for her ever changed?
Nevertheless, she was someone with colours, and that’s all that matters. He needs to get to her right now, and if he can’t convince her or his heart can’t handle the sight of her tears, then Ram will come later. There’s no chance he will die under Reinhard.
Before any decisions were made however, a set of footsteps chimed in, and as Subaru turned back, he was horrified by the sight of Emilia—injured, but still standing.
“Emilia! Why are you outside? I…Well, considering the tremor earlier it makes sense but—you’re hurt! You’re…”
He can’t afford to get her hurt. What if he lost her forever? Then only Ram will be the one to have colours. Beatrice has to go because it was her wish, but Emilia? He couldn’t let that happen, no matter what.
“I’m the one who needs to say that! I’m alright, Subaru, most of the wounds already closed up. But there’s a dagger on your shoulder! Come here, I’ll take it out.”
Waving her hands as she forced him to come closer, Emilia tightened her grip on the dagger handle before giving her warning.
“I’m counting to 3, alright? 3, 2, 1!”
“Ouch! Argghhh! That fucking hurts.”
As the bloodstained dagger was thrown away, Emilia immediately cast healing magic toward his shoulder. The past trauma of it made him flinch, and she noticed it; but decided not to mention anything until all was settled.
Another long round of silence stretched out, before Subaru started to ask for her condition. “Emilia, who did you fight to make you turn out like this? Is everything alright? Do you have any grievous wounds that you tried to hide?”
The state of Emilia was indeed not something to scoff at; her long hair had been cut into uneven strands, her nightgown was bloodied and torn with several slashes accompanying her body. But she shook her head.
“No, it’s alright. Everything is fine now, and about Puck… he’s gone for a while.”
At the mention of her adopted father, Subaru raised his eyebrows. Puck was one of her most important figures in her life, yet diminishing the grey cat’s existence so coldly like that…it was abnormal for her.
“Subaru, I wanted to ask something. Would you spare some time to hear?”
As the healing finished, she hugged him from behind, and with a soft whisper, Emilia asked.
“S-sure? Just be quick though, everything’s going up in flames right now.”
For a moment, he felt as if a teardrop had fallen on his shoulder, and Emilia shut her eyelids, trying to steady her hesitant voice.
And the moment her eyes opened once again, the vacillation had completely gone, replaced by a determined and decisive gaze. As she strolled in front of him, with her hands hidden behind her back, like an enthusiastic girl who was about to confess to her crush.
“Subaru, let’s run away together. If we do it right now, nobody will chase after us.”
His face twisted in surprise hearing her sentence, and before he could interject, Emilia continued.
“Everything you tried to build is gone, right? It’s best to start over, to live a new and different life far from this slaughter. You don’t really enjoy this new life as well, do you?”
“But… run away with me?”
“Who else could it be? Don’t say such weird things.”
Something akin to anger sparked in the light of the half-elf’s eyes, as she poked his nose in an irritated demeanour. An out-of-place act in an out-of-place situation, and it started to creep Subaru out.
“I…I thought all you did was…was just you being kind. Was my assumption wrong?”
All of her actions boil down to even the fact that she allowed Subaru to sleep on her lap without even trying to hurt or kill him. He thought it was because of the virtue that Emilia showed during the first time they met, the reason why the one-sided love died in bloom. But it wasn’t? Then why would she even tolerate his existence and endure through that much humiliation? Trapped in a room like an animal in a cage, only social interaction was with her captor, and forced to dress and live her entire existence in one shade of colour. Of course she would be shunning him; there’s no other way.
“Really, did you? When I first arrived here, I thought the same as well.”
“Emilia?”
Placing a hand on her chest, the ethereal beauty of silver appeared…so lonely, with those gazes befitting of a canvas filled with tragedy. Those colours, and the motifs remained the same; yet Subaru seemed to have misinterpreted the meaning of this artwork, so to speak.
Were the times spent with him flashing through her mind? What does she feel about it? Humiliation, disgust, anger, or even…
“I do believe that I’m mad at you, angry even. But, only at the beginning; the more I spent time with you, the more I realized…”
Breathing in a panicked breath, Emilia’s hands started shaking, yet her posture remained stern; she needed to convey everything to him, or else this would all be for naught—his father’s sacrifice would be for nothing.
“Subaru, you always need me. And by being dependent on me, you gave me a reason; you made me feel… needed. I never went through such a thing before. Nobody desires my existence, that’s what I felt ever since Puck unfroze me, but you’re the one who freed me from that, and so…”
If this was the old world, a meager yet peaceful time when Subaru was living on Earth, maybe the word “Codependency” (yooo @Co_Depend reference checked their art out its peak) would be fitting for such an occasion.
Subaru required Emilia to stabilize his sanity and peace of mind, and the same answer had already been concluded for Emilia—for she too needed the time spending with him, to make her existence feel worthy, to make herself feel… needed.
And so, the pair had fallen into a codependent relationship, each in turn relying on the other’s existence.
Since when has this feeling blossomed for her? And what should he do about it? Subaru doesn’t know what he truly sought in Emilia. Maybe having her by his side will calm him down, but what does he need from her exactly? Was it her anger, her shunning, or these newfound feelings she was confessing?
“Subaru, I want to be with you forever. So let’s run away.”
“You putting it like that does make me happy, but…”
Stuttering in response, an answer couldn’t be mustered from Subaru. He hasn’t decided yet.
The earthquake once again shook the entire Pandemonium to ruins. Cecilius must be holding Reinhard back, but he knew it wasn’t enough. Even if the two managed to escape, the elite forces of Lugnica would await them outside the castle. Running away with Emilia was not possible, not at all.
All he needed was to die, die by her hands and reset everything back. Maybe then he would have more time to think, more opportunities to figure it out—
“If we can’t, then I’ll die together with you.”
“What?”
Stunned by her sheer determination and the confession she made, Subaru stood aghast, his jaw wide open.
If Subaru were to lose his life here, then Emilia would too. For she cannot live without him—Emilia’s existence is Subaru’s own. One couldn’t live without the other; that is what she was, that is what they were.
Her words were not cryptic; they were direct and clear, showing how strong her love and devotion for him was. With the belief that if she was honest, then Subaru would believe in her, maybe then she could die with him by her side—or even better, live with him by her side.
“We’ll meet the end together, if that’s what fate deems important. I don’t need to live in a world without Subaru.”
“Ah… ahhh—”
“Please. Subaru, I love you, I need you. I want you to be with me.”
She clung closer to him, with her embrace tightening as if releasing him would make the boy she loved disappear into nothingness. The position was reverted.
Subaru sought salvation from the act of believing in her wrath, and her looming presence calmed his mind.
And now, Emilia sought salvation from Subaru’s showcase of affection, to remain and die together with him. To be the one who shall witness his death by her own hand. That… would also be a form of freedom, amidst the birdcage she has been imprisoned in all these years.
The affection, the longing, the love he felt as he relished in the tears of the half-elf. It was overwhelming, it was blissful, it was…it was his saving grace.
“Subaru?”
But that’s a lie.
“Lie, you’re lying.”
How can someone love him?
“Suba—”
How can someone care for him?
“No! Please stop it! Please! Why? Why now? Why? Stop stop stop stop! STOP!”
How can someone ever lay their eyes on that foolish boy who can’t even save someone and think that he deserves love?
“You killed my sister! Barusu, come back here!”
How can someone ever look at him and think that he was a person free of sin and guilt?
“You’re a Witch Cultist, are you? Those filthy stench showed clear animosity!”
How can someone ever look at him and have real affection?
“Sissy just pretended to care for you!”
None, no, nothing, never. That’s not how it works. Everyone wants to hurt him, everyone lies to him, everyone hurts him. He’s scared, he’s afraid, he’s… tired.
Covering his ears so he couldn’t hear anymore.
Cementing his lashline so he couldn’t see anymore.
Shutting his mouth so he couldn’t talk anymore.
That would be for the best, but his heart still wasn’t guarded; his beating pulse still hadn’t calmed down. Those feelings… were not easy to forget, not easy to hide, and certainly not easy to avoid.
“You can’t lie to me! Do you think I was unaware of such a thing?”
He was a monster. His sins are piled up. The corpses he killed would crush an entire city. The tragedies he committed would send him to hell. How could one forgive? How could she forgive what he did to them? How could she forgive what he did to her?
Screaming as loud as possible to the point of breaking his own voice, Subaru tried to crawl back with all his limbs. Emilia stood up and asked what was going on, with that sweet, sugary and tantalizing tone, but Subaru had already shut his ears; he couldn’t hear—or rather, refused to hear her.
Did she change as well? Was that anger now shifted to a twisted affection? Those qualities that he sought from her must have been those shunning gazes then, that was why…
Her colours…have gone.
“Argh… no… no… NO!”
Those pale and porcelain skin, the ivory and eloquent nightgown, the shining and crystallized amethyst reflected in those gazes—it was gone. All replaced by a monochrome of black and white.
“You’ve changed! You’ve changed! You… you…”
“Subaru, I’m here. Don’t worry, I’m—”
“DON’T PRETEND THAT YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU’LL BETRAY ME ONE DAY!”
“...”
Those words shook her to the core, as Emilia stood motionless, unable to process what he had just said.
“You should have just continued to hate me, shun me, wishing me dead on a random street like a pathetic mutt—that’s what you should do! Keep hating me like from the start, detest me, loathe me, abhor me! Does the sight of me disgust you? Does the disdain you feel for me that fragile?”
What welled up was anger. Drowning in it, acting reckless, burning everything and anything—from what he hated to what he held dear. Embrace it, relish in it, scorch down both heaven and hell for what he is enraged at—for that was Wrath. To be drowned in the bottomless sea, to struggle, writhe, and destroy everything so what’s left would be nothing but ashes and void.
So now, he will paint his own hellscape, to make Emilia his first fuel to continue this burning anger, conflicting it maybe—for his wrath manifested in both the drowing sea and the crackling flame. But that’s what made Subaru special, and why this tragedy happened in the first place.
Those beautiful colours…he will surely miss it.
“Subaru! Believe in me! I would do anything to prove it to you!”
“I don’t care, you lost your colours already, I don’t want to hear you out!”
“Those shades… were so magnificent. You stole it from me! You… if it wasn’t you, if it was someone else, if it was her instead, then maybe that…it could—”
Before Subaru could relent, the half-mad Emilia gathered up her last chunk of sanity and grabbed both his arms, pinning him to the ground.
“See! You’re trying to hurt me! Revealing your cards already? Those colourless like you will all betray me one day!”
“Shut it! I’m tired of hearing you talk about this colour thing! If your eyes can’t perceive it, then what about your other senses?”
The sudden question made Subaru go quiet, as he started to ponder. The moment he met someone without those colourful tones, he felt as if all his other senses were lost; all that remained was his vision. He refused to listen, refused to talk, refused to witness, just for the sake of protecting himself from the betrayal that might or might not occur.
Then why? Why must Emilia’s presence be so clear? He can hear everything she says, see everything except the colour, feel her touch, and smell her scent. She was apparent and unique to him still.
“If you can’t see what colour I’m made of, then use your other senses! Do you hear my voice? Do you feel my touch? Do you smell the shampoo on my hair? Just shut your eyes and believe in me, believe in what you can perceive. We have spent numerous times together, remember?”
And as he shut his eyes tightly, he can feel it. His hands feel the soft gaps of her fingers, his ears hear the heaving breath of the worried half-elf, his nose scents the lavender that was running through her hair.
For a second, he calmed down. Those dreadful feelings dissipated for a mere moment, and all he could feel was similar to that of the time he slept together with her. It was peaceful, comforting, and devoid of dread. Since when can he feel such a thing from someone without colours?
“Are you alright?”
“…Maybe.”
Taking a short breath, he started to sit up with Emilia’s help. Subaru still refused to open his eyes, because by doing so he would lose this delicate time of peace, coming straight from the half-elf that he had confided in for years.
“See? I told you it would be alright. I don’t know what caused you to lose the ability to perceive colours. But you can still live without it, with the help from others, of course.”
“Is it possible? I can only trust those with a spectrum of hues, not those who remain black and white, because I know that their feelings will be unchanged, and by unchanging they won’t betray me.”
“Was it reaaaally that unchanging that made you believe in people? But staying stagnant will do us no good, Subaru. People can and will change, for that’s how the world works. You’ve changed ever since I met you too. Does that mean you’ve betrayed me?”
“N-no, I…”
“See? Maybe it’s true for the most case, but I believe changes can be both good and bad. Subaru is just reaaaally unlucky to encounter all the bad ones.”
“Changes…Can be good?”
Such a thing was almost impossible to even think of, at least for Subaru. But the time spent with Emilia has proved him wrong. If she had changed from the beginning, those colours wouldn’t remain until now; it was merely his perception that caused it to do so.
Then maybe, with enough trust in others, could he be able to bring the colours back to them. Emilia was here, and even without that palette, he can be certain that he trusted her if he was lacking his vision—no, maybe he can get those back by having belief in people without the need for his eyes to perceive it.
“Emilia…I think my condition changed based on trust. Even though you lost your colour, I felt as if I can still believe in you. Maybe that would give you back the colours?”
“That’s a good idea! Then let’s open your eyes now, Subaru. I’ve proved to you that I love you forever.”
“…Now you’re making it awkward.”
His eyes were still shut tightly, refusing to let even a tiny ray of light reflect on his pupils, and the repeated confession wasn’t doing well for his nervousness.
And as his forehead twisted, so did his vision slowly open.
…
…
…
“…Subaru?”
Emilia kneeled down closer, around his eye level, as she worryingly placed a hand on his face, but Subaru immediately grabbed it. Thinking that it was a failure, and his sight had long lost her palette in the canvas, Emilia was devastated. Yet before tears could even well up in her eyes, the hand that gripped hers let it caress Subaru’s face even more affectionately.
“Emilia…I can still see it, those colours on yours albeit faint…I can finally see it. They’re back.”
In tears of joy as he celebrated, his smiled burst out into cries, and amidst the rubbled of Pandemonium, the raven hair boy have once again found hope in this cruel and unforgiving world, by none other than Emilia.