Chapter Text
A familiar sight: Camp Wawanakwa. The rundown summer camp where 22 teenagers once competed for a cash prize and cheesy tabloid fame on international TV. And at the isle’s southern dock, there stood the show’s one and only host, Chris McLean, looking not a day older than when the show first began. The man smiled for the camera.
“Yo! It’s been thirteen years since our show ended! We’ve been to the movies, we’ve been around the world, and in this reboot, we’re going right back to our roots! Welcome back, world, to Camp Wawanakwa! Somewhere in Muskoka, Canada!”
The production crew would be sure to capture footage of everything Chris described as he described it. “Crummy cabins, wild animals, the extremely high cliff, and of course, everyone’s favorite- the confessional outhouse!”
A burly man wearing a purple shirt and tie stood next to Chris. He similarly had not aged in the last 13 years.
“Joining me, as always, is Chef Hatchet. Back from his side-hustle as a daycare teacher!”
“I told you before, I was covering for my grandma during baseball season!”
“Save it for the kids, big guy,” Chris said, ignoring the scowl on Chef’s face. He returned to explaining the show. “After the explosive conclusion to our third and previously final season, we got canned! But thanks to the endless nagging you guys did, definitely fueled by nostalgia, the network heard you! So, we’re back, and badder than ever!”
“Yeah, bad at budgeting. We couldn’t spring for that mechanical island we had our eye on?!”
“Hey! You think hair gel’s free? Not to mention my state-of-the-art jetpack!” Chris asked, more rhetorically than Chef would have liked.
Chris turned back to the camera.
“For those of you joining us for the first time, or old fans who forgot how this works, here’s the deal: 24 teens are on their way to this island. They’ll compete in grueling challenges, work together or betray each other, win, lose, and then vote for their least favorite teammate to leave the island for good!” Chris mimed a golf gesture. “Haha… And at the end of it all, the last camper standing will walk away with one! Million! Dollars! And here they are now!”
A large yacht raced across the lake, carrying all 24 new campers. The expert editing of the crew made sure to line up Chris’ roll call with footage of the campers in post-production.
At the bow of the ship stood a grumpy girl wearing sweats, mutually glaring at a redheaded boy in a tank top.
“Meet Jo and Scott!”
“Stay out of my way, and maybe I’ll go easy on you in the first round,” Jo said.
“Took the words outta my mouth, lady,” Scott replied before sniffing his armpit.
A boy wearing clothing of a similar color to Chris’ own ran up to them. “Hey, either of you seen Chris?”
Jo shoved the Chris-seeker away for his trouble. Chris moved on to a girl in red excitedly elbowing a rail-thin boy with spiky hair.
“Zoey and Mike!”
“Isn’t it great?! All of us get to be on TV!” Zoey cheered.
Mike just stared at Zoey for a second before slapping himself out of it. “Uh! Yeah! T-Television! It’s great! Wh-what could go wrong? Heheh…”
Both were shoved aside by a muscular boy in a jersey.
“Hello, world! Sha-bam!” He kissed his muscles.
“Lightning joins the show!” announced Chris.
While Zoey stumbled, she was caught by a fit boy in drab clothes and a buzz cut. “At ease, private.”
“Chris? Anyone seen Chris?” the boy from earlier asked, bumping past Zoey and the drab boy, forcing him to drop her.
“Brick and Topher!” Chris introduced.
Next up, a girl in athletic clothing sharpened her knife on a whetstone before being approached by a boy in a green robe and fake beard.
“Excelsior! Thou looketh to be a foe most fearsome!”
The girl stayed focused on sharpening. “I’m a survivalist. I’d better look fearsome. That's half the battle.”
“Ah, much like the lovely giantess over yonder!” The boy pointed over his shoulder to another tall girl, herself clad in a fedora.
Said tall girl narrowed her eyes, having overheard the boy. “…We gonna have a problem, mate?”
“Axel, Leonard and Jasmine!” Chris named the three.
Next, the camera would pan over to a large boy with a cap and overcoat. The boy winked at the camera, making a finger-gun gesture. All the while, a tiny pale girl in a sweater sat atop the handrails in a lotus position.
“B and Dawn!”
Dawn opened her eyes. “Oh my. Your aura is a lovely shade of greenish purple. Though I may be biased.”
In response, B gave her a casual smile.
The camera would cut away to another boy in a ballcap elsewhere on the ship. “Damien!”
“Woohoo! Look out, world! It’s Damien time!”
Topher ran past Damien, knocking him over. “AAH!”
Damien would land behind a girl wearing sunglasses and a pink ensemble. She paid no attention to him.
“Dakota!”
“Huh? What was that sound? Am I on camera already? Ooh! Let me find a good pose! How’s this? How about this? How about-”
The camera panned away from Dakota to focus on a girl with puffy hair spraying herself. All the while, a girl in a pink sweater and a girl writing in a notebook stood nearby.
“Anne Maria, Staci and Millie!”
“Aw yeah. Just need a few more coats,” Anne Maria summarized.
Dakota walked into the shot and shoved Anne Maria. “Wait, don’t cut away, I was talking! Move over!”
“Don’t tell me what to do!” Anne Maria sprayed Dakota in the face, forcing the pink girl into a coughing fit.
The other pink girl decided now was a good opportunity to speak up. “My Great Aunt Millie invented suntans! Yah.”
“Huh?” Millie looked up from her notes.
“Before her, people just used clay.”
Anne Maria sprayed Staci, much to Staci’s dismay and Millie’s rapt journalistic intrigue.
The crew cut away to two young men in hockey jerseys, one with a cap, one without, staring at the lake water.
“From Northern Alberta, Wayne and Raj!”
“Whoa. You thinking what I’m thinking, Wayne?” asked the boy without a cap, Raj.
“We freeze this lake and make the biggest hockey rink ever, eh!”
The two shared a gleeful laugh as they fist-bumped. On an upper deck on the ship, a bespectacled boy wearing a hoodie gazed at the majesty of Muskoka’s wilderness.
“Hotdog! I’m really doing this! I’m out in the open! I’m in nature! I feel like a winner already!”
Topher ran past, accidentally shoving the boy over the edge. Fortunately for him, he landed in the arms of a goth girl with pigtails.
“Oof… Thanks for the save…”
“You should have screamed more. That’s no fun.” She promptly dropped him.
“Cameron and Lauren!”
Lastly, at the stern, there were three more campers. One had curly hair and glasses, playing a handheld gaming device. Then there was a girl in a beanie leaning on the rails next to him. In the background, a boy with a beanie of his own crouched in fear.
“Oh yeah!” The gamer cheered. “I beat Motorboat Action 9 just in time for the show!”
The girl arched her eyebrow. “Okay, that… doesn’t sound like a real video game. Sounds more like some skeevy movie. A bad one.”
“Huh? No, it’s totally a real game! Get your brain outta the gutter.”
“Brain?! Nobody’s eating my brain! You just stay back!” screamed the scruffy boy in the back.
“Sam, Mary Kate and Shawn!”
The crew cut back to Chris and Chef on the dock. The two were enjoying coconut drinks during the extended cutaway, from the look of things. Chris then pulled out a remote. “And now that you’ve met them, let’s see which ones make it to the island! We’re starting our season with a bang! Right here! On Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!”
Chris clicked a button on the remote, detonating the yacht and sending all the campers flying.
The opening sequence played. Narrated for this episode only, it began with cameras popping up all over.
“Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doing fine,”
The main camera zoomed in on Camp Wawanaka, past Chris pushing Topher to the side, past the interns carrying a totem, up the steepest cliff and into the water.
“You guys are on my mind.”
“You asked me what I wanted to be”
“and now I think the answer is plain to see,”
Cameron flailed underwater, before getting fished up by B in his motorboat. But B reeled too hard, launching Cameron into the sky.
“I wanna be famous.”
Cameron landed in Jo’s arms as she hit a punching bag in the woods. Brick and Axel ran past, motivating Jo to drop the boy and run after the others. They passed Dawn and Leonard meditating in the woods before a plant monster roared at the two, scaring them away.
“I wanna live close to the sun,”
Zoey and Mike rode a raft together, with Zoey pouting as Mike did various poses and expressions. Neither of them noticed the waterfall in time.
“Go pack your bags, 'cause I've already won,”
Beneath the waterfall, Lightning lifted a big log for exercise. Zoey and Mike landed on the log, adding enough weight to send all three of them and the log crashing into the water.
“Everything to prove, nothing in my way”
By the outhouse, Scott laughed at the trio’s misfortune. A shark then emerged from the outhouse, causing Scott to flee.
“I'll get there one day.”
Inside the mess hall, Chef reached for some headphones before shoving a ladle in Staci’s mouth, much to Damien’s shock next to her.
“Cause, I wanna be famous!”
Next to Staci and Damien, Millie took notes while Anne Maria kept spraying her own hair before spraying the camera. Outside the lodge, Wayne and Raj waved a flag for Jo, cheering for her as she jumped for joy, having beaten Brick and Axel.
“Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!”
On the pier, Sam was enjoying a video game. Mary Kate tapped his shoulder, making him look away before taking it for herself. Sam tried to get his game back, but to no avail.
“I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous”
Dakota pulled the camera over, gave it a kiss. An intern wiped the lens while Dakota and struck a few poses for the paparazzi. Her revelry was cut short when Chris, via jetpack, dunked a bucket of water on her head.
“Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!”
“I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous”
At the campfire at night, Shawn and Jasmine sat close together, before Lauren popped up with a zombie mask on, scaring Shawn away.
The camera zoomed out with everyone around the campfire. Except for Shawn. All remaining campers except Jasmine and the masked Lauren whistled together.
The intro was, of course, merely a cute bit of animation added in post, after the filming of the finale. Just like always. Really, the boat had just exploded, and the campers had no choice but to swim to shore.
“Move it or lose it!” Jo barked, shoving her way past Wayne, Zoey and Staci as she paddled her heart out.
Cameron was busy floundering. “Help me! I can’t swim!”
Lightning emerged from underwater, carrying Cameron on his back. “I’ll save ya, little girl!”
“Huh? But I’m not a girl!”
“I can’t believe this!” shouted Anne Maria. “That Chris is gonna get what’s comin’ to him!” She glanced at Sam swimming beside her. “You hold ‘im steady, and I punch his lights out! Then maybe we can switch places.”
“As in, I hold you and then Chris punches you?” asked Sam.
“What?”
Meanwhile, Dakota had found herself on an inflatable raft, holding still for a photo-op with an inexplicable paparazzi, who all shared an equally inexplicable boat.
Shawn panicked in the water next to her. “What are you doing?!”
“Hey, uh, can you keep it down? And get out the shot?” Dakota put a finger on her chin. “Wait on second thought, if you’re in the shot, I’ll look even better in comparison!”
“Look at their soulless eyes!” Shawn screamed. “Those are obviously zombies! We gotta get out of here!” Shawn pulled Dakota off the raft and into the water, ignoring her screams.
“No zombies!” Axel emerged from the water and slapped an explosive onto the paparazzi’s boat. She would quickly swim away before it exploded.
Watching this from afar, Chef nodded approvingly.
Jasmine paddled through the water, passing by Leonard. The boy was quickly on his way to drowning.
“Underwater Breathing, activate- Glglglglglglglg!”
“Ah crikey…” Jasmine rolled her eyes, doubled back for Leonard and pulled him up.
“Many thanks! My lineage will honor thee for generations when I tell this tale!”
“Shut yer cakehole and start swimmin’, okay?”
“I wish my third uncle twice removed was here!” Staci lamented while drowning. “He invented life preservers!”
“Wait, so would he invent one out of thin air? I don’t get it,” Zoey asked.
Staci went underwater, eliciting a gasp.
“Oh my gosh!” Zoey went after her.
“Last one to shore’s a rotten egg, Rajjy!” Wayne taunted, swimming past Mike.
“You’re on, Wayner!”
Mike heaved a deep breath and something about his expression changed.
“You are not to be leaving me behind, nyet! I am a championship swimmer!”
Over on land, Jo would reach the shore. “Woo! Oh yeah! First one on land! Suck it!” Jo jumped for joy before her eye caught sight of Dawn meditating on a nearby rock. “What the- Did you just land there?! Why aren’t you wet?!”
“Hm? Oh. Don’t worry about it,” Dawn said without opening her eyes.
“I’m very worried about it!”
Brick reached the shore, offered Dawn and Jo a salute, then flopped into the sand.
A minute later, B arrived on land, with Cameron and Mary Kate slung over his shoulders.
“So, a bubble boy, huh? That’s rough buddy.”
“Yeah. And I’m not off to a great start. I think. I wouldn’t know. Up until this morning, I didn’t really do much of anything. Besides reading and sighing a lot.”
“Well, I’m not so weak that a butterfly landing on my shoulder could tip me over. But the great outdoors ain’t all that.”
“You really think so, Mary Kate?”
“Please. Everyone calls me MK.”
More of the competitors washed up on shore. Eventually Sam arrived, flat on his back. “Ugh… I knew I shouldn’t have skimped on the Wii Sports Resort. I just hope I don’t lose my team our first challenge over this. That’d be lame.”
Nearby, Scott took his shoe off and let the water out. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll at least make it to the fifth episode before you screw up royally.”
“I could live with that.”
“Eh go easy on the guy,” Raj said, coming out of nowhere to slap Scott on the back.
Scott dropped his shoe.
“It’s not his fault it’s his first day out of the house!”
“Hawhawhawhawhaw! Nice one, Raj!”
Zoey sat on a rock and wrung one of her pigtails. “I’m so stoked to be here! I grew up watching reruns of Total Drama, like, all the time! How about you?”
“You should stop looking at me,” Lauren told her with an eerie smile.
“O-Oh I’m sorry.”
At last, Chris approached everyone. “Hello there, fresh meat!”
Damien ran up to Chris.
“Chris! Ayo, Chris! We gotta do something! The boat that brought us here? It exploded! We gotta get a paramedic here! I mean, I think everyone’s okay, but-”
“Oh that? Haha! Yeah, pretty awesome right? I was worried our prop guys got scammed, but nope!”
Damien blinked. “What? Was that explosion on purpose?!”
“Uh, yeah dude!” Chris folded his arms playfully. “You know how things go on this show, right? I know it’s been a while since a new season, but I hear the reruns are pret-ty popular.”
“N-No? I’ve never seen this show before…”
Chris could only chuckle at that.
Suddenly Topher appeared next to the host. “And I must say, seeing you on those reruns doesn’t hold a candle to the real deal! You, sir, haven’t missed a step! An exploding ship? Bravo! Now that’s how you make an opening statement!”
“I like you,” Chris told Topher patting him on the back. Before shoving Topher a few feet away. He pulled out a megaphone and yelled into it, also blowing Damien away. “Campers! Head to the woods! And make it quick!”
Chris hopped onto an ATV (one he had ostensibly used to drive down to the beach) and rode into the thicket.
The campers ran into the forest. Out of all of them, Jo and Lightning were the first to cross a finish line.
“That’s what I’m talking about! You just lost to a girl, punk!”
“You’re a girl?” Lightning squinted before shrugging. “Sha-ever. It’s 2023. Lightning don’t judge.”
“What?”
Chris pulled up, still riding the ATV. “Okay, Captain Ally, stand where you are and enjoy being the first member of Team A! Jo, go stand over there and start Team B.”
“Ha! A’s the first letter! That means Lightning wins!” Lightning began kissing his biceps.
Jo rolled her eyes and followed the instructions. Scott and Brick shortly arrived.
“Dirt farmer! Stick with Lightning! Cadet, park yourself by Jo!”
“Sir, yes sir!”
Chris stroked his chin. “Sir… I like that.”
Chris’ musing was interrupted when B, still carrying Cameron and MK, accidentally bowled Brick over.
“Welcome back, B. You’re on Team A. Your two stowaways can join Team B!”
“Welp. It’s been real, dude.” MK hopped off B’s shoulder and joined Jo, with Cameron close behind.
The two hockey players came in next.
Chris smirked evilly. “Wayne, Team A! Raj, Team B!”
“Wha? B-But Raj and I are always on the same team!”
“You can’t do this to us, Coach!”
“Sorry, dudes! But I kinda got this alternating thing going on.”
“Hello,” Lauren greeted, standing behind Chris.
“WHOA!” Chris nearly jumped out of his seat.
“I’ve been here for a few minutes now. May I have a team please? I want to know my new playmates.” She noticed the way Cameron winced. "Yeah. I'd like that."
“Uhh…” Chris awkwardly glanced between the scary girl and the two puppy-eyed hockey players. He sighed. “Fine. You’re on Team B. Hockey Bros, Team A.”
“AWESOME! HOOT-HOOT! HOOT-HOOT!”
Zoey and Mike finally made it and Chris pointed over his shoulder. “Indie chick and the stickman, head over to Team B. Aura whisperer, Team A.”
Mike looked over his shoulder and noticed Dawn gliding over to him. “GAH!”
Jo snapped her finger and spoke under her breath. “I knew she had powers!”
“Ooh fun!” Lauren interjected, overhearing Jo.
The jockette glared. “Hey, this is a conversation between me, myself, and I. Beat it.”
Axel, Shawn and Jasmine all ran up. Axel scoffed. “And I lost to sweater girl and the big guy how?”
Chris smiled again. “Axel, no body-shaming. Fashion-shaming is okay though. Enjoy being on a team with those two as a result. And Shawn."
The two zombie haters went to join their team.
"As for Crocodile Hunter, go join Team B!”
“I take offense to that!” Jasmine whined.
“Don’t care.”
Topher finally made it. “Hey Chris! What team do I get to be on? Oh, but if there isn’t any room left, I don’t mind. Maybe I could just shadow you for a while instead?”
Chris shook his head. Anne Maria and Dakota approached as he spoke. “No need, Topher. You’re on Team B with the spray tan over there! Meanwhile the princess wannabe is on Team A!”
Topher slouched, joining Anne Maria on Team B while Dakota nearly followed along. B grabbed her wrist to keep her nearby.
“Oh. My bad!”
Millie caught up, very out of breath.
“Sorry… I’m late… So many… things to… stop and write about!”
“Millie, welcome to Team A!”
Damien walked up, with Leonard close behind him, rambling.
“And upon being released from the binds of the Ridonculous Race, I unlocked my fourth eye!” Leonard proclaimed.
“Fourth? What about your third? You skipped your third eye, man.”
“Oh, that’s a tale for another time!”
Chris whistled, getting the boys’ attention. “You two, you’re on Team B!”
Damien pointed over his shoulder at B. “His team?”
“Our team, smartypants. Try to keep up,” said Anne Maria, fixing her hair.
The hockey bros slouched.
“Aw man, I was hopin’ the wizard would be on our team,” Wayne complained.
Raj nodded along. “Bummer.”
Bringing up the rear, Sam and Staci caught up to everyone. Sam flopped on the ground like a fish while Staci was winded. “My great… uncle… wh-whatever… invented a… he invented… I dunno.”
“And you two make up the rest of Team A!” Chris announced. “Say hi to your teammates!”
The two crowds of teens all murmured at each other. Some looked less than impressed with their new peers, while a few others seemed excited.
“Now then, let’s talk shop,” the host began. “On this season, every single episode is an elimination!”
Zoey gasped. “It’s never been that hard before…”
“Yeah, it has,” MK told her. “Season 1. I thought you watched the show.”
“Well actually there were a couple episodes in that season that didn’t have eliminations,” Zoey told her. “Like the gross-out eating one! Or the first half of the first episode! Or the one with the coconut! Unless we count the coconut getting eliminated.” She frowned. “Do we count that one? Am I being insensitive to Mr. Coconut?”
“I’m sorry, was there a coconut competing on this show?” Damien asked. “Do they just let anyone on this island?” As he asked that, his eye drifted over to Leonard and Lauren in the corner.
Lauren smiled in Damien’s direction.
Chris ignored the question and produced a small, wooden statue of his head.
“Whoa-ho! Chris, who’s that handsome little devil you’ve got there?”
“I’m glad you asked, Topher! This is the McLean Invincibility Statue! Find it, then hold onto it, and you’ll be safe from elimination! Even if your team votes for you!” Chris stopped, beginning to stare at his likeness. “Is my cleft really that big?”
“Yeah,” Scott answered. “And it looks like a butt.”
“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” Topher screamed.
“Anyhoo, it’s time to name your teams!” Chris announced.
Lightning perked up. “We’re gonna be Team Lightning! Or the Lightning Squad!”
“Am I crazy, or is that actually kind of a cool name?” Sam asked Shawn, earning a shrug.
“No way, eh! We gotta be the Snow Owls, in honor of our boys back home waitin’ for us!” Wayne declared.
Over on the other side, Leonard stroked his fake beard. “If we are to name our coven, I believe we must stay aware of the fae, lest they swindle our name from ‘neath our noses!”
“Wait, they got fairies on this island now?” Anne Maria asked, looking around. “Where’s that tooth fairy at? She skimped out the last couple times she came over!”
“My great, great, great grandma was a fairy. Yah,” Staci told everyone. “She came up with the idea to turn pumpkins into carriages. Before that, nobody could get to the ball.”
Chris pressed down on an air horn, stealing everyone’s attention with an assault on their eardrums.
“The team names have already been decided! Team A, catch!” Chris hurled a big carpet at Lightning. It unfurled in his grasp, revealing a green logo of a frog. “You are the Frogs of Death!”
“Lightning ain’t a frog!”
Chris threw a rug at Jo. When she caught it, it unfurled to reveal a red fish logo. “Team B, you will be the Ferocious Trout!”
Frogs of Death:
Lightning, Scott, B, Wayne, Raj, Dawn, Axel, Shawn, Dakota, Millie, Sam, Staci
Ferocious Trout:
Jo, Brick, Cameron, MK, Lauren, Zoey, Mike, Jasmine, Topher, Anne Maria, Damien, Leonard
Topher clapped his hands. “Ah, I get it! Kind of like the Killer Bass! Nice callback, Chris! You really know how to play to the nostalgic fans!”
“Thank you, Topher. And speaking of nostalgia…”
=
CHRIS: “This here’s the confessional! If you’ve seen the show, you know what to do! Get in here and tell the world what you’re really thinking! Heh! Our editing team’s so top-notch, they can make it look like you’re reacting to stuff in real-time in here! …Oh, and our legal team advised me to assure the audience at home that you must manually turn the camera on before using the confessional. So no, we’re not watching teens using the toilet. Did I seriously have to explain that? What kind of sicko do these people take me for?!”
=
MIKE: “So, uh, I have this… quirk. My doctor said I probably shouldn’t go on this show, but like… It’s a million dollars! College isn’t gonna pay for itself! Besides, I think I can keep it under control. I mean, I guess if I’m on TV, I can’t keep it a secret forever. I just have to keep it secret long enough for the show to end and nobody here will ever see me ever again! I’m sure that one time in the water was a fluke!”
=
ZOEY: “I can’t believe I’m in the Total Drama confessional! It looks just like it did on TV! It even smells like I thought it would! …That’s normal for me to say, right? Gosh, what if everyone thinks I’m weird? What if they vote me off first? I mean… I don’t think I’m the weirdest person here. There is that guy pretending to be a wizard. Unless… Is he a real wizard? Was it mean of me to assume he was pretending? Oh no, I’m a huge jerk!”
=
JASMINE: “I reckon I’m gonna intimidate most of the others. I intimidate people in general, fair dinkum. And in a game like this, that kinda makes me a big target. No pun intended.”
=
SHAWN: “You might look at me and think that I think the zombie apocalypse is coming. Well, it’s not true. …It’s already started! And that’s why I need the million! As much as I hate the idea of getting complacent, I need to build a shelter! And you know the good stuff ain’t cheap!”
=
AXEL: “So yeah, the zombie apocalypse is happening. I’m not too worried about it, since I’ve trained night and day to learn how to kill them. But a million dollars would go a long way towards getting me some top-of-the-line weaponry. The best defense is a good offense.”
=
Back in the forest, Chris clapped his hands. “And keeping in spirit of this season being the hardest, we’re getting right into the action!”
“Wait, Action was Season 2. Are we doing a movie challenge?” Zoey asked.
“No, Zoey. It’s just… It’s a turn of phrase.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Anyway-”
“I didn’t mean to drag everything down with a stupid question,” Zoey interrupted.
“Like I was-”
“I probably look real stupid, huh?”
Brick put a comforting hand on her shoulder and smiled. “There are no stupid questions, soldier. Only stupid people who never question anything.”
“Yeah no. There’s plenty of stupid questions,” Jo snarked.
“Can I be switched over to the team with ‘death’ in its name?” Lauren asked.
“Case in point.”
“Sheesh, you guys are way chattier than the first competitors. I don’t like it. Next person to interrupt me gets the boot!”
Wayne raised his hand.
“No Wayne. Not a literal boot,” Chris said.
Wayne lowered his hand.
“As I was saying, we’re getting right into the action! And the team that loses will send somebody home!” Everyone else gasped. “Tonight!” Another gasp. “That’s right, they don’t even get to spend a night on this island!”
This provoked everyone to murmur amongst themselves, before Chris decided to speak up again. “Now, Ferocious Trout, you guys get a trampoline. Frogs of Death, enjoy this hacksaw.”
A bulky, redheaded intern in a red shirt came out with a trampoline. A tired intern with a cap over her fluffy hair gave the hacksaw to Lightning.
Chris led the teams to another forest clearing by a river. Two distinct totems, one resembling a frog, the other a fish, dangled in midair.
“These are your totems! Each team needs to cut them down and ride them down the river to the cabins! First one there gets their pick of the cabin, on top of invincibility from tonight’s ceremony! But if you don’t make it to the cabins on time, hahaha…” Chris revealed a remote. “I’m gonna detonate your totem! With you on it!”
“Haha!” Damien forced a laugh. “Oh… That’s a good one, Chris!”
“It sure is, Damien! It’s funny because it’s true!”
“Say what? You’re just allowed to use explosives on us like that?! AGAIN?!”
Chef appeared behind Chris. The shorter host looked at him. “Kid’s never seen our show before.”
“Oh, that poor soul.”
=
DAMIEN: “What kinda show is this?! My friends didn’t say anything about this when they dared me to audition! At least now I know why they told us they were taking our luggage to the island by itself before coming back for all of us.”
=
STACI: “Did you know that C4 was first invented by my great, great, great, great, great-”
=
“You all have seven minutes. Starting now,” Chris announced.
Jo wasted no time hopping onto the trampoline. Sadly, the arc of her jump sent her into the drink.
“Fear not, my comrades!” Leonard bravely stepped forward. “I shall cast a Time Freeze spell on our sacred totem! Shazamitylam!”
The clock strapped to the totem kept counting down.
“It… didn’t work,” MK announced. “Wait, why do I actually sound surprised?”
=
LEONARD: “Well trained am I in the mystic arts. But alas, this island is low on mana! The contest shall prove most tricky. Almost as tricky as the other time I competed on a televised competition.”
=
“Stand back! Sha-Lightning!” Lightning started climbing the tree, but he slipped. “Gah! Stupid slippery tree! Must be covered in syrup or something!”
Without exchanging a word, the hockey bros tried licking the tree, only to wretch at the wooden, syrup-free taste.
B quirked his eyebrow.
=
B: “…”
=
B continued to look in thought at the situation, while Anne Maria kept pinballing between the totem’s base and the trampoline.
“So, seeing this totem here reminds me of my great uncle, yah,” Staci started.
Everyone on the Frogs of Death groaned. Except for Millie, who wrote something down in her notebook.
=
MILLIE: “In my parents’ generation, you had to do a lot of work to be famous. But now? All you need is a ring light and a wi-fi connection! It’s so easy! You can do the stupidest, most shameful acts and be rewarded with fame. The failure of my generation is so fascinating to me, and that’s why I’m here! Well, that and the prize money. I want to watch those in my cohort going through humiliating acts on international TV for the sake of money and write down my findings! Then it’s off to the publisher’s office! And that Staci is a prime specimen!”
=
While Staci kept yapping, some tried to drown her out by watching Lightning fail climbing. B kept working on something off to the side. Until finally, he approached Staci and led her by the hand. Much to everyone’s relief.
“Oh? You want me to stand here?” Staci stood at the base of an inclined plank.
B then lightly pushed Sam into position at the base of the tree.
“Uh, sure okay, man.”
With that, B jumped on the upward end of the plank, launching Staci feet-first on Sam’s shoulders.
“Oh my!”
“Wow, that surprisingly doesn’t hurt my shoulders at all!”
Over with the Trout, Brick found himself dangling in midair as he grasped an axe that was lodged into the base of his totem. He screamed wildly, which brought a smile to Lauren’s face.
“This is fun! I can’t wait for the explosion!” she chirped.
Mike had another heavy gasp. “D’aaaaw what are you waitin’ for Sonny-Jim?!” He picked up a pebble and threw it at Brick. “Cut the danged rope already!”
“Yeah, yeah, we’re workin’ on it, Mike! Unless you got any better ideas?!” Anne Maria asked.
“I’m not that loser, Mike! I’m Chester!”
=
MIKE: “Oh man… It happened again, didn’t it? I totally don’t remember parts of this challenge.”
=
On the Frogs’ side, B had already stacked Scott and Lightning on top of Staci, and Dawn was up next.
Sam smiled. “B, change your name to A+! I think one more oughta do it!”
After basking in Sam’s praise, B looked around. He saw Dakota had left to pose for some newshound stragglers. With a grunt, he dragged her away and back to the challenge.
"Hey! Take it easy!"
=
DAKOTA: “So, like, I’m already super rich because of my dad. I’m a member of the Milton family, so I’m not really in it for the money. I’m just here to be seen! I can’t coast off Daddy’s reputation forever. …Can I?”
=
“Put me in, coach!” Raj ran over for the seesaw. He jumped onto the side B would normally stand on. “You’re up Wayner!”
“On it!”
Wayne jumped onto the other side, and as expected, ended up launching Raj in the opposite direction, flying into the ropes holding up the Trout totem. Raj got caught, tangled up and caused Brick and the totem to fall.
B facepalmed.
“Mission accomplished,” Brick told his team with a chuckle.
“Oh, for crying out loud!” Axel shouted. She pointed at the topmost teammate in the stack. "Dawn! Give her the saw already!"
Dawn reached up, passing the hacksaw to Dakota.
"Um, how do I use this again?"
Shawn squinted. "Oh you're so zombie food."
"Pretend it's Daddy's steak knife!" Dawn said.
"Oh! Why didn't you say so?" Dakota got to work, giggling to herself.
“There’s three minutes left!” warned Millie.
In seconds, Dakota had released the totem from its bonds, hitting the forest floor.
The show cut ahead to footage of the teams riding their totems down the river. One would think it would be a tight fit, meant for only six or seven campers apiece. But these totems were designed with the full teams of twelve in mind. The Trout totem had the lead, with the Frogs of Death trailing behind. Raj was still covered in rope.
Topher caught sight of the camera and started speaking in its direction. “The Frogs of Death are gaining on the Ferocious Trout! Will the Frogs hop on over to victory, or will the Trout pull them under? Find out after the break!”
“What are you saying?!” Damien asked.
“Team, it is my duty to inform you of the imminent waterfall,” Brick solemnly shared.
Cameron gasped. “My first waterfall!”
“And maybe our last…” MK said.
Lauren clapped. “That’s the spirit, MK!”
The totem went down the waterfall, then but missed the pond and hit the slope next to it. They began sliding down the hill at frantic velocity. In the harsh landing, Zoey was knocked loose, hanging by her hands on the back of the totem. As soon as she screamed, Chester gasped. Mike reached over and pulled Zoey back onto the totem proper.
“Thanks a million, Mike!”
“Oh! Don’t worry about it! Uhh, what’s going on by the way?!”
“What’s it look like, mate?!” Jasmine asked.
Suddenly, the Frogs of Death overtook the other team. They rode their totem downhill, all riders leaning forward. Except Scott.
“My great, great aunt invented log riding! She-”
“WE DON’T CARE!” all of Staci’s teammates said at once.
“I get it!” Damien cried, over on the Trout totem. “They’re using their weight to make gravity do the work for them! We all gotta lean forward like they are!”
The Ferocious Trout all leaned forward. They quickly caught up to the Frogs of Death, making them neck and neck.
Scott narrowed his eyes and gasped. “Hey Dakota! Aren’t those some of your paparazzi friends over there?”
“Where?!”
“Darn, we’re gonna pass them by!” Scott lamented.
“Wait for me, everyone! I’m on my way!” Dakota hopped off the totem, tumbling a bit to the ground. She got up, brushed herself off and started looking for the photographers.
At the site of the cabins, one of them looked a lot better than the other one. Chris and Chef sat together, enjoying another drink in their lawn chairs as they waited for the campers.
“So, your grandma’s really a world-famous pitcher?” Chris asked.
“Axe Hatchet herself.”
“Huh.”
“Yup.”
“Think you could… hook me up with some tickets?”
Chef neglected to respond, only taking a long sip.
“Playing hard to get, huh?”
The Frogs of Death arrived first, much to Lightning’s jubilation. “Oh yeah! Team Lightning wins!”
Chris looked over at the Frogs from his chair. “Might wanna do a headcount, Frogs. One of you’s missing from the lily pad. Doesn’t count unless everyone is here.”
“Sha-crap!”
The Frogs looked around, noticing how Dakota had gone missing. While that happened, the Ferocious Trout arrived.
MK anxiously bounced in place. “Quick! Pick the good cabin!”
The Trout worked together, carrying their totem to the spot in front of the spa hotel.
Chris stood up. “And we have our winner! The Ferocious Trout win invincibility! Not to mention, they get to stay in the spa hotel here! It’s got an 8-person hot tub, air conditioning and catered meals! Bonus!”
The Ferocious Trout all cheered, until the Frogs’ totem exploded on the spot.
=
DAMIEN: “THAT IS NOT OKAY!”
=
SCOTT: “Heh! I was kinda hoping hockey boy woulda done my job for me. But as usual, I have to do everything myself. Might as well tell ya folks, but I’ve got a secret plan. I’m gonna pick my teammates off, one by one, so the Ferocious Trout get a false sense of security. Then when we merge- Pow! Scott, the guy fresh off the team of losers comes outta nowhere and starts winning!”
=
Fortunately, the explosion was a mere firecracker all along. But still, the Frogs of Death were without a totem.
“Well Frogs, looks like you’re sending someone home tonight!” Chris told them.
Dakota ran up to everyone, out of breath. “Hey guys… Sorry I… missed the challenge… Did we… Did we win?”
Axel glared at her. “No.”
“It’s too bad we didn’t get the good cabin. My Uncle Barry invented cabins. Yah. Before that, people at campsites and mountains just lived outside.”
Dawn pouted. “Staci, just because you feel insignificant doesn’t mean you need to tell tall tales about your family’s accomplishments.”
“Wait, where’d you get that from?” Sam asked.
“Oh, it’s right there in her aura.”
“Fascinating stuff, everyone!” Millie chimed in, writing it all down.
Staci kept going. “But it’s true! Also, my great grandfather was the first person to read auras! He was actually an aura farmer! Yah! Before him, nobody knew where to get auras and they had to visit his farm!”
“Staci, aura isn’t something you… farm…” Dawn tilted her head in confusion.
“It’s okay Dawn, I don’t mind telling you the real truth about auras,” Staci told her, earning an unimpressed look from the moonchild. “My cousin’s brother’s best friend’s college roommate was the first person to teach people about-”
After some footage of the Frogs of Death walking as a team toward the ceremony, they would all take their seats atop some stumps and drums before the campfire. Chris stood by a podium, holding a plate of marshmallows. Chef joined him.
“Campers, welcome to the elimination ceremony. As you might know, marshmallows are a staple of fun times around the campfire. But at Camp Wawanakwa, they represent life itself. I will call your name, and you will come up and get a marshmallow. If you do not get a marshmallow, you’ve been voted out. You must go to the Dock of Shame, board the Yacht of Losers, and you must leave Camp Wawanakwa. And you can nev-er come back.” Everybody gulped at that, earning a smile from their host. “So, we understand each other?”
Wayne elbowed Raj. “Eh Raj. Who’d you vote for?”
“You, brah!” He offered a fist bump.
Wayne obliged.
“Sweet! I voted for you, dawg! Hope we win!”
“You were supposed to vote for the person you want to lose!” Chef yelled.
The hockey bros slouched.
“Oh.”
“Our bad, coach.”
Clearing his throat, Chef spoke again. “Wayne, Raj, you two made things easier for the Ferocious Trout during the first half of the contest.”
The boys slouched even deeper.
“Dakota, you bailed on the competition to pose for more photo-ops,” said Chef.
“Uh, yeah?”
Chef shook his head and focused on another camper. “Lightning… Boy, you really oughta know how to climb a tree.”
“It was covered in butter!”
Chef kept going. “And Staci, you’ve been annoying people all day with your imaginary family members!”
“And with all that in mind,” Chris stated, “we begin. First marshmallow goes to… B.”
B stood up to claim his marshmallow.
“Axel, Shawn, Scott, come on up here. You too, Lightning.”
“Ha! Lightning’s never gonna lose!”
“Sam, Dawn, Millie, these marshmallows are for you.”
“Yes!” Sam pumped his fist. “Not the first boot!”
Four campers remained seated. Chris savored the uncertainty in their eyes. After a moment, he held up two more marshmallows. “Wayne and Raj.”
“Oh yeah! Hoot-hoot!” They both cheered, coming for their marshmallows.
“You weren’t in danger,” Chris told them. “Besides you two voting for each other, everyone else voted for one of these last two!”
Staci and Dakota shared an uneasy look. Dakota pushed her sunglasses up to keep her eyes hidden. She could not afford to deal with the damage a worried face would do to her skin on live TV.
“One of you can get a marshmallow and stay for at least another three days,” Chris reminded them. “While one of you is about to leave in a few minutes. Which one will it be?”
Chris smiled, like a lion about to pounce.
…
Dakota hugged herself for comfort.
…
Staci tugged at her collar.
…
“According to the votes…”
…
Both girls flinched.
…
…
…
…
…
…
“…it’s a tie.”
“Huh?” both Staci and Dakota asked.
“Yeah, you both got the same number of votes,” Chris explained. “Looks like we’re having a tiebreaker!”
Staci perked up. “My great grandmother invented tiebreakers! Before that, when people had the same number of votes, they just had to do things together! Yah! People hated it! Which reminds me of how my third cousin’s father’s cousin invented voting! Yah! And then my great, great, great, great, great-”
“ZIP IT!” Chris yelled, making Staci flinch. “Okay, that’s gonna drive me crazy. Executive decision: Staci’s out. Have at it, Dakota.” He tossed her the marshmallow.
“Eeee!”
Staci slouched. “Aw man. I guess it’s the Dock of Shame for me, then.”
=
SCOTT: “Eh, either-or really. That rich girl’s so easy to fool, it’s probably worth getting one more loss out of her. Chatterbox though? I’d rather listen to the kitchen rats bickering with each other while I try to sleep!”
=
DAWN: “It was… tempting to vote for Staci when she spent the first hour after our loss making a mockery of my way of life. With fictitious family members at every turn. But I voted for Dakota. At least Staci was a team player. Still… I won’t complain.”
=
SHAWN: “So Dakota just buzzes off in the middle of a challenge? And she’s still here? She’s getting bit by zombies tonight.”
=
MILLIE: “At first, I wanted to vote for Dakota, so we could keep Staci around and I could pick her brain. But… well… She’s just a lot, you know? Even I have limits.”
=
Staci’s closing thoughts on her time on the island would play over footage of her heading to the Dock of Shame.
“I can’t believe I was the first one voted off. But I guess it was pretty cool that I got to be on the show to begin with. My grandpa invented reality shows. Yah. Before he came along, people watched scripted shows where they had to pay writers. Executives loved him.”
Staci put her last bag on the Yacht of Losers and hopped in. With a sad wave, only the nicer members of her team bothered to wave back. And some of them were only trying to be polite. Chef started the boat and sailed away, leaving Chris alone on the dock.
“That’s one camper down and 23 to go! And look at me! I haven’t lost my edge! Total Drama’s back, dudes! Tell all your friends and be sure to gab nonstop about it all over social media! Share your favorite clips! And when you're done... uh... this is playing on a streaming service, so I dunno… Watch the next episode right now? Sure, why not! Binge the whole season! Then do it again, so they’ll know you want more! More madness! More pain! More… Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!”
Votes:
Lightning – Staci
Scott – Staci
B – Dakota
Wayne – Raj
Raj – Wayne
Dawn – Dakota
Axel – Dakota
Shawn – Dakota
Dakota – Staci
Millie – Staci
Sam – Staci
Staci – Dakota
Frogs of Death: Lightning, Scott, B, Wayne, Raj, Dawn, Axel, Shawn, Dakota, Millie, Sam
Ferocious Trout: Jo, Brick, Cameron, MK, Lauren, Zoey, Mike, Jasmine, Topher, Anne Maria, Damien, Leonard
Eliminated: Staci