Chapter Text
He didn’t do it often.
At least not at the beginning.
It started slowly.
It was an ordinary Friday evening, and like usual, he was watching one of his horror movies.
The movie itself was nothing special, honestly, it didn’t leave much of an impression on him. The only thing that caught his attention was one of the supporting characters. A girl who obsessively chased perfection, and because of that, fell into self-harm.
Rin didn’t understand how it could help. Sure, when he was younger, he would unconsciously hurt himself too, he would pull his hair, bite his own hand, or jump from high places.
But that felt different from cutting your own body. At least that’s what he thought.
The next day, he got up like nothing had happened and continued his routine as always.
But in the back of his mind, he still saw the image of those cut-up arms. And it wouldn’t leave him alone.
So after a few more days, when the thought for some reason refused to leave his head, he decided to read about it.
He wasn’t stupid, he knew that self-harm usually happens to people whose problems are so serious that it feels like their only solution and a temporary relief.
That’s why he believed he shouldn’t do it. His life wasn’t hard enough to reach for something like that.
He did well in school. He had good grades.
He had enough money, a house, food. He had always been taught to be grateful for it, because not everyone has those things.
Now his family was absent, his parents were at work every day, and his brother was in Spain. Maybe he was alone and the house felt empty, but some people don’t have a family at all, right?
There are people in much worse situations. He could still talk to his family, still see them. Some people don’t even have that chance anymore.
He shouldn’t complain.
It’s true that he had problems with other students at school. Everyone avoided him and called him a weirdo behind his back, or other insulting nicknames. But he didn’t care. Why should he worry about other people’s opinions?
But because of the excessive rumors that spread through the entire school, people didn’t even pretend to like him anymore. They looked at him with judgment in their eyes and avoided him whenever they could. He didn’t know what he had done wrong. But clearly, it had to be something.
He didn’t have friends. Never.
There was always Sae. And he was enough to replace anyone. He was his brother, his friend, sometimes he even acted like his parent.
That’s why being separated from him was so hard.
And it hurt. He wanted Sae to stay with him. Even so, he never said it out loud. He knew that when nii-chan came back, they would become the best strikers in the world and everything would be better. Their dream would come true and everything would be okay.
He just had to wait. And train.
And to train, he had to be on the soccer team. But ever since Sae left, that had become difficult.
Everyone had turned their backs on him. They passed the ball to him reluctantly. Even though he was the best and played as the main striker, they still avoided him.
And he tried to pretend it didn’t hurt.
Because, after all, others had it worse.
Some people are bullied for everything, they can’t even eat a sandwich in peace without being laughed at, humiliated, or beaten.
Rin was glad it hadn’t fallen on him. No one was brave enough to laugh at him to his face.
They just pretended he was invisible, gossiping about him behind his back.
They knew Sae, the one who had always been arrogant toward everyone. That’s why they didn’t risk making fun of his younger brother, afraid that he might turn out to have the same personality, or that when Sae came back, he would crush them all.
And he was glad for that. It was better to be air than to be beaten in the corners of the school.
He had no reason to feel bad, right?
That’s why he didn’t understand why his well-being was so low.
Day by day, he felt real happiness less and less often.
But despite everything, he believed his life was fine. That it wasn’t the worst, and that he surely passed people on the street every day who had much more serious problems.
That’s why the guilt he felt the first time he reached for a razor blade was unimaginable.
It was evening. His parents were most likely asleep in their room, and he was lying on his bed, almost choking on his tears.
For the past few days, everything had been going wrong. He felt like everyone was looking at him with disgust. During practice, he received nothing but negative comments from his coach. His concentration had gotten worse, and because of that, his grades had dropped.
On top of that, he felt an overwhelming exhaustion. He was sleeping properly, so he didn’t know why these past few days he felt like all his energy had been drained out of him.
One day he felt everything, and the next day nothing. It was becoming frustrating.
Especially since that “nothing” had been lasting far too long. He couldn’t stand it, and the worst part was that only one solution kept coming to his mind.
And he had truly sworn he wouldn’t do it. But the feeling of emptiness was too strong.
At first, he started digging his nails into his skin. When he woke up in the morning, there wouldn’t be any marks, and for a moment he would calm down and feel something.
At least, that was what he hoped.
And usually, it worked. Usually, when he did it, he was able to release his emotions, which helped him calm down faster and control the crying and the strange feelings.
But this time, it didn’t.
Out of frustration, he started scratching at his wrist, where his skin was the thinnest. He left several bright red marks.
And he wanted to stop there. But he couldn’t.
That strange feeling was still there, and his quiet sobbing echoed off the walls.
At that moment, the only thing replaying in his mind was the scene from that one horror movie. Now it felt like the best solution he could think of.
He curled up into a ball, digging his nails into his arms.
He had already tried everything, from calm breathing to harshly scratching his skin.
Part of him didn’t want to go any further. And another part was practically begging him to do it.
In the end, he gave in to the urge.
He didn’t even know if it would change anything. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try. If he didn’t like it, he would stop and pretend it had never happened.
With trembling steps, he walked to the bathroom.
He reached for the razor blade his father used for shaving and took it into his hands.
Maybe what he was doing was stupid, but he couldn’t handle the tension he had been holding inside.
He took off his shirt and pressed the sharp edge against his shoulder.
It started with one line.
Not deep, not long. He tried to do it gently.
Honestly, it looked like a random scratch. No one would guess what it was from.
So he did it again.
And he couldn’t believe it, but it was almost pleasant. He felt a slight pain, but it was a good kind of pain.
He felt something. And he wanted to feel more.
So one more line wouldn’t hurt, right?
Or two.
It ended with four. The cuts were shallow, he tried not to press too hard. Even so, the blood was visible and slowly ran down his shoulder.
He wasn’t able to do anything. He didn’t want to. His eyes, still glossy with tears, watched the red liquid trailing down his arm. The pain was pleasant. And the sight didn’t disgust him at all.
The overwhelming sadness disappeared for a moment.
And he didn’t want that to change.
He wanted to stay like that.
The stinging sensation spread through his body, but it didn’t bother him at all.
Quite the opposite.
Now he understood why people could become addicted to it. It was… you could say, nice.
Very different from scratching himself with his nails. This felt stronger. And he wanted to believe he wouldn’t get addicted, that it was only this once.
The wounds would fade, the scars would be barely visible, he would forget about this incident and never repeat it again.
After all, what would his parents, his brother, or people at school think? They would assume he had serious problems or worse, that he wanted to end his life. He couldn’t do that. He still had to become the best striker in the world with nii-chan.
He was afraid that someone would find out and turn it into a huge issue, just because he had felt overwhelmed once.
It was nothing serious. Nothing to worry about.
He wouldn’t do it again. He promised himself that silently. He didn’t want to do things like that.
~🌸🌸🌸~
The next day, he got up and tried to forget about it. Even though what he had felt in that moment could be described as pleasant, he couldn’t repeat it.
He knew he shouldn’t do it.
Day by day, he watched as the red marks slowly faded. Just looking at them brought him a quiet, inner satisfaction. When he scratched himself, the marks disappeared almost immediately, so it had never felt as satisfying.
Here, he could see the results of his actions lasting longer.
But after some time, they had to fade, and eventually there was no visible trace of the wounds.
To notice a scar, you had to look very closely. He knew he hadn’t done it deeply, and that was why the consequences were small.
Despite that, every single day he still stared at that spot, as if it were something special.
From that moment on, whenever he felt bad, he wanted to do it again. Just once. He couldn’t describe the feeling, didn’t know why he needed it so badly.
But he had read that it was addictive. And he didn’t want that. He couldn’t allow himself to fall into it.
And he didn’t do it.
He tried to ignore that feeling deep inside him that kept encouraging him.
For the next few months, despite how hard it was, he managed to control it. He didn’t do it again.
At least not for a while. Not until that one night.
Finally, the day came when his brother returned to Japan. He was happy that he would finally see him, finally tell him about everything that had happened.
But the day that was supposed to be happy turned into the worst one of his life.
Sae left him.
And his words kept echoing in his head.
"I don’t need you in my life anymore, Rin."
It hurt.
And after that, he didn’t think about what he was doing.
He went back home, avoiding any conversation. He just ran straight to the bathroom.
His eyes were glossy, his whole body shaking. He felt awful. Betrayed. Abandoned.
He didn’t understand why. What had he done wrong? Why had Sae changed so much? He wasn’t the same brother he used to be.
And this time, he didn’t think about the consequences.
Just like that night before, he grabbed the razor. He took off his shirt and dragged the blade across his shoulder. Three lines were enough for him to feel a sharp pain. And worse, it didn’t bother him.
He didn’t care about being gentle.
This time, he definitely pressed too hard.
It hurt and burned, and the blood flowed freely. After a while, it was even on the floor. There was a lot of it, more than the first time.
And that was a little terrifying.
Especially since at first he wasn’t able to stop the bleeding. Probably because he was panicking and couldn’t think clearly.
After some time, he grabbed a towel and pressed it against his shoulder. He still hadn’t fully calmed down and was shaking, which didn’t make it any easier.
He was scared.
When sometimes he felt nothing, now he felt too much. He felt everything. And he couldn’t control it.
It took him a long time to calm down.
He had been in the bathroom far too long, because his parents started telling him to finally come out and eat dinner with them.
But honestly, he didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to see Sae. He didn’t want to see anyone.
He wanted to be alone. Preferably forever. Then no one would hurt him, right?
People are stupid. It’s because of other people that he feels bad. Because of the people at school, and now because of Sae.
He thinks that if he didn’t have to know other people, it would be easier. If he lived alone.
He wants to be alone. It’s easier that way.
He pulled his knees to his chest and muffled his sobs. He had barely managed to calm down, and now he was panicking again. He felt weak.
Despite how he felt, he tried to gather the strength to pull himself together.
He made sure the door was locked and stayed like that for a while longer. He shouted to his parents that everything was fine so they wouldn’t suspect anything, and cleaned up after himself.
The towel he had used was definitely ruined.
He rinsed his wounds with water. It hurt, but he didn’t complain. After all, it was his choice. He had done it to himself.
Luckily, the first aid kit was in the bathroom, so he was able to disinfect his shoulder safely.
Even after he finished, he still didn’t go to dinner. He was sure no one wanted his presence anyway. Now Sae played the main role, he was the important one.
He locked himself in his room and didn’t want to come out for the next few days.
But that couldn’t last forever.
He had to return to normal. He waited until Sae left again for Spain or wherever else, just to be certain he wouldn’t run into him. He didn’t want to talk to him. He wasn’t ready.
He went back to school and to practice, but inside he felt empty.
Since that evening, everything had been going wrong. Everything was falling apart. He woke up and repeated his daily routine. It felt pointless.
He used to live to fulfill his dream and his nii-chan’s dream.
Now he lives to destroy Sae. That’s his new goal, something he hopes will keep him believing it’s worth waking up every day and living through the same thing over and over, even though he’s slowly losing the will to do anything.
He distanced himself even more than before, avoiding every possible conversation. The only things he did during the day were school, training, and occasionally watching a horror movie. Those films were what made him feel something. As strange as it sounded, while watching them he didn’t feel so emotionless. He liked the shivers that spread through his body. It was a kind of relief.
Physically exhausting training sessions also appealed to him. He liked the sensation spreading through his body when he was on the edge of collapse, his muscles aching. It made him feel alive.
That’s why he pushed himself to the absolute limit. No matter how hard his day had been, he would always find time to train. Now he had a new goal, to defeat Sae. And he believed that one day, he would succeed.
And when he finally received the perfect opportunity to fulfill that dream, he accepted it immediately. The invitation to Blue Lock was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. It was a chance he couldn’t afford to waste.
And just as he expected, once he got there, he was better than everyone he faced. Being placed in Team V as the top player already meant something. Still, it irritated him that he was in the lowest stratum, which only motivated him to train even harder.
Fortunately, not long after, it turned out that the whole ranking system had been a bluff and everyone had been placed that way, which made him breathe a sigh of relief. Now he knew he was officially number one. He was the first to complete the goal-scoring test against that machine, which probably couldn’t defend at all or maybe he was just that good.
He chose number two and number three for his team, though he still wasn’t sure what they were doing so high in the rankings. One acted like a runway model, and the other was afraid of a fly. Pathetic.
Even so, they easily defeated the opposing team, which consisted of a guy with a sprout on his head, an oversized sloth, and a loud bee. He didn’t remember their names, but in any case, they chose the bee.
They immediately moved on to the stratum where the 4v4 matches were held. And that’s where he learned what hell meant.
In Blue Lock, there was no such thing as privacy.
Considering how many people were currently in the building, no matter where you went, there was always someone who happened to want to be in the exact same room at the exact same time.
It was hard to find a moment for himself. Usually, it only happened at night, when most people were getting ready to sleep and staying in their rooms, or during the short time he could spend in the shower. But considering it was barely a dozen or so minutes in the entire day, it wasn’t much.
Especially for someone like Rin. He liked being alone. He often needed a moment to relax and rest from all the shouting and noise.
The lack of privacy sometimes drove him crazy, as if he were constantly being watched and judged. And in a way, he was right, they were being observed by Ego. That four-eyed guy most likely had cameras in every corner. But somehow that was less overwhelming than someone’s physical presence right next to him.
It had already started during the first selection. Being around the people from his team was suffocating, even if he didn’t feel it as strongly back then. The guys on his team weren’t looking for social connections, and it was easy to avoid them. He was sure most people here had the same mindset, and that he would easily avoid forming deeper relationships.
That’s what he thought, until he ended up on a team with Bachira Meguru. He regretted being chosen for his team on the very first day.
That guy was his complete opposite, friendly, cheerful, energetic, and worst of all, impossible to brush off. He was like a leech, and it was incredibly irritating.
All he kept hearing was that persistent voice behind him, constantly trying to befriend him.
He thought friendships in Blue Lock were pointless. In the end, only one striker would win, so what was the point of building relationships if you were going to crush that person’s dream when you eliminated them?
Yes, he definitely didn’t need that. That’s why he tried to avoid that bee, but it was almost impossible.
Fortunately, things improved a little when the guy with the sprout joined their team, from what he remembered, Isagi Yoichi. He had chosen him himself. He saw potential in him and found him interesting. That was why he made that choice.
He and Bachira were apparently friends, because now Bachira was the one pestering him and following him around 24/7. With each passing day, he felt more relieved that the stupid haircut and that insect got along so well. Thanks to that, he got rid of the pest and could finally breathe in peace.
Of course, people still hovered around him, but at least he didn’t have to interact with them. All it took was one deadly glare, and they would back off on their own.
Since they had finished the second selection first, they had to wait quite a while for the other teams, and time dragged on endlessly. Still, he stuck to his old routine, and it was easy to distract himself with training, which kept him from feeling too bad. In such a chaotic place, he didn’t even have time to think about anything sad or depressing.
But of course, that couldn’t last forever. Eventually, the match against Team World Five came, which surprised most of them, but also filled them with excitement.
He scored the first goal with ease. Unfortunately, after that, their opponents apparently decided to get serious and, without hesitation, scored five more goals against them. And just like that, he lost in Blue Lock for the first time. It was hard to accept.
Afterward, he went to the showers, hoping it would at least relax him a little, but he was wrong. The feeling of emptiness and frustration in his chest wouldn’t leave him alone.
In moments like that, only one solution came to his mind. A bad solution, something he definitely shouldn’t do. Not in a place like this. There were so many people here that someone would surely notice. It was already hard enough to hide his old scars, let alone fresh, new wounds.
Rumors spread incredibly fast here, so he couldn’t risk the entire facility finding out that number one, their best player, was hurting himself. That would be ridiculous and would ruin his reputation.
On the other hand, the emotions were overwhelming, and the urge to do it kept growing stronger.
After all, this time he had a reason. He lost. He had to deserve punishment, even if he experienced it more like a reward. He didn’t even know how to see it anymore. It was supposed to be wrong, yet it felt good.
Either way, he felt like he had to do it.
Others had it worse, they lost all the time. But for him, one defeat felt like a hundred.
He hadn’t brought any razor blades to Blue Lock. After all, he had promised himself he wouldn’t do it again. He had already done it twice, that was more than enough. He believed he wouldn’t need it here.
He was wrong. He needed it as soon as possible.
After finishing his shower, he returned to the shared room he had with the others. Only Isagi was there at the moment. It was dinner time, so thankfully it was just him.
He glanced around the room, completely ignoring the other boy, who seemed absorbed in whatever he was doing. Rin didn’t know what it was and didn’t care. He focused on his goal.
He walked over to the table where they studied English, and that’s when he saw it. A pencil sharpener, exactly what he needed.
All he had to do was unscrew it, and inside there would be a small blade meant for sharpening pencils. Well, he would use it for a slightly different purpose.
He looked around and quietly cursed when he noticed Isagi staring at him.
“Looking for something, Rin?” - he asked politely in a way that made Rin want to throw up.
“Mind your own business” - Rin replied coldly, hoping that would scare him off. Unfortunately, Yoichi kept talking.
“You’re still thinking about that loss, aren’t you?” - he asked, and Rin clenched his teeth tighter. Damn Isagi didn’t need to remind him. He was already falling apart inside because of it. - “They’re the best players in the world, after all. It would’ve been hard to beat them.”
All he could think about was making Isagi finally shut up. He didn’t want to hear any more. Loss or not, it was still a loss. It didn’t matter who it was against. He had lost, and there was no excuse for it. He was too weak. He tried his best, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t good enough.
“No one’s happy about it. But you can be, you scored a goal, after all.”
So what? No one would care. His single goal hadn’t changed anything. He had still been defeated, in the most pathetic way possible. Whether he scored or not didn’t matter. No one was even interested in that. People only care about the final result.
He turned his back to him.
“You’re the best one here. You have nothing to blame yourself for.”
Damn Isagi, why was he even trying to comfort him? It was so stupid. He didn’t want to hear it.
He started digging his nails into his wrist. He needed to let out his emotions.
“You know, I’m sure everyone-”
“Shut the fuck up" - he cut him off sharply, his fingers shaking from the force he was using to press them into his skin. - “I don’t need to hear your cheap sympathy. Just leave me alone.” - He ignored the confused look he got in return.
Without thinking, he grabbed the pencil sharpener from earlier and walked out of the room. He hoped Isagi hadn’t noticed what he had taken, and didn’t know what he planned to use it for.
But right now, he was too lost in his own thoughts and obsessive urge to hurt himself to think clearly about what he was doing.
In the blink of an eye, he found himself in the bathroom, not caring whether anyone else was there. He locked himself in one of the stalls and leaned against the wall before sliding down and sitting on the floor.
He bit his lip, then forcefully threw the object he had gotten earlier onto the floor.
Because of that, the sharpener was now broken, and it was easy to take out the blade inside. He did it without hesitation.
The silver metal was barely visible since he hadn’t even bothered turning on the light. Even so, he knew that sight well.
The feeling he had right now was strange. He didn’t know what to call it, he just wanted it to stop. And he couldn’t think of a better solution than a few cuts.
No one would notice, right?
He took off his shirt and pressed the object against his shoulder. Right next to the older scars. Raised and slightly red, though they had already started turning pink.
He added more lines there. Dark red ones.
His skin started to open, and blood began to gather. Eventually, it started running down. The sight was hypnotizing. He remembered how incredible the feeling was when he did it. For a moment, he calmed down.
With hesitation, he did it again. A second line. The same as before. Deep, it would leave a mark, though probably a white one.
When the blood started running down his shoulder, he panicked for a moment after realizing he hadn’t brought any tissue with him. Luckily, the end of a toilet paper roll was nearby, and there were still a few sheets left.
He took them and wiped away the liquid before pressing them against the wounds. He decided he would stop at two. He didn’t want to get himself into even more trouble.
His breath caught when the light suddenly turned on, brightening the room. Damn it, all of this looked worse than he had thought.
He heard the door opening and footsteps approaching. He couldn’t move. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Not now. Not when he was at his most vulnerable and doing something like this.
“Rin?” - he heard a familiar voice. He froze. Stupid Isagi. Why was he here? Why was he calling his name? He didn’t want him here. He wanted to be alone.
“Rin, are you here?” - he asked again.
Yoichi was worried. Maybe he wasn’t the best at reading people, but ever since they lost, Rin had looked and acted strange.
Unnaturally so, he was shaken up. Earlier, he had suddenly run off without saying anything at all. Isagi knew he shouldn’t interfere in things that weren’t his business, but he was too concerned. They hadn’t known each other for long, but that didn’t stop him from worrying about the other boy. After the way Rin had acted, he needed to make sure everything was okay.
He didn’t know where Rin had gone, so he simply checked the places that seemed the most likely. When he didn’t hear any response, he left the bathroom, and Rin let out a quiet sigh of relief.
He didn’t understand why Isagi had been looking for him, but he was sure it had to be for some stupid reason. He still didn’t want to go back out to the others. He wanted to stay here until the bleeding stopped and dried up. He couldn’t let his shirt soak through after putting it back on.
He had to stay patient. He had to calm down. He wasn’t crying this time, but his breathing was uneven. He was just trying to settle himself down, hoping it wouldn’t take long. Eventually someone would notice he was missing, and even worse, someone might find him here.
He couldn’t let that happen.
~🌸🌸🌸~
For the next few days, he tried to manage his time so that he stayed as busy as possible and thought as little as possible. He trained until exhaustion, pushing himself until he could finally reach the level needed to defeat Sae. He focused entirely on that goal, and because of it, he really didn’t think much about the darker, sadder, more depressing things.
Time dragged on endlessly, but eventually the day came when everyone finished the second selection and they could move on.
The ranking results didn’t surprise him. Of course he was first. He didn’t care about the other placements.
The only person who caught his attention was the guy in second place, and not in a good way. He was incredibly annoying, and Rin immediately knew he would be nothing but trouble. And even worse, they were on the same team.
Just as he expected, their playing styles didn’t work together at all, so cooperating was practically impossible. Their personalities completely clashed, so even off the field they argued constantly.
Shidou kept annoying him and provoking some kind of negative reaction or angry outburst from him, and of course Rin couldn’t stop himself from snapping back at him.
By the second day after meeting each other, a certain line had already been crossed.
Shidou, being Shidou, found out that Rin was avoiding him, so he started following him whenever he had free time, obviously trying to irritate him with it.
Rin was almost convinced that the situation they ended up in had been planned by him, even though Shidou denied it.
Both of them happened to be in the shower at the same time, and by pure coincidence they came out almost at the exact same moment. He really didn’t know what that cockroach was trying to do, but he was definitely getting on his nerves.
"I see we’re running into each other again, Rin-chan!” - he said with a grin. Both of them only had towels wrapped around their waists, but as expected, Shidou didn’t even care about keeping the fabric in place.
“Leave me alone, you stupid bug” - he groaned, trying with all his strength to ignore him. Ryusei clearly had other plans.
“Oh, don’t be like that! I just want to be friends. We’re on the same team after all. We need to build some chemistry between us!”
Rin felt like he was going to throw up just from hearing his voice. He said such stupid things. Of course he didn’t want to be friends with him, why was he even trying? He was here for soccer, not to make new connections.
“We’re not going to be friends.”
“Ouch, you’re hurting my feelings" - he said dramatically.
“Stay away from me, or I’ll ask Ego for some insect repellent.”
Shidou just laughed at that comment.
“Do you hate me that much?” - he asked, moving closer and bumping into his side.
“Don’t touch me” - he groaned, stepping away and trying to avoid his presence. Then, the moment he noticed Shidou staring at his shoulder, he suddenly remembered something.
He was so stupid. He had completely forgotten about it, blinded by his hatred for the other boy. The wounds he had made recently were still slightly red, though now they were just scabs.
Damn it, of all people, did Shidou really have to be the first one to find out? What if he spread it around and in a few days everyone knew he did this? He was scared that others would think he was weak.
He didn’t want to be seen as weak, which was why he was ashamed of it.
“I could be wrong, but I think that looks pretty fresh" - he said casually, as if they were talking about something completely normal. Of course it was fresh, idiot.
The moment he heard that, he immediately shouted, his voice echoing through the nearly empty bathroom.
“Don't interfere in matters that are not yours” - he said, turning away from him. - “I don’t need your sympathy." - he added automatically, not even knowing why. He knew Shidou wouldn’t give him that anyway.
Ryusei just laughed at that reaction and went back to acting like before.
“I’m not planning on that, Mr. Number One. Like I said, I want to try building some chemistry between us.”
“Fuck off.”
Without thinking any further, he left the bathroom, quickly got dressed, and left Shidou alone. To his surprise, Shidou left him alone for the rest of the day.
And God, the rest of the evening wasn’t any better.
He really hadn’t realized that hiding scars was so damn difficult, and he didn’t understand why everyone cared about it so much.
When he was about to go to sleep, that sloth from his room brought it up.
Rin liked wearing loose shirts, so his pajamas were a little oversized too, which had definitely been a mistake.
He hadn’t noticed when the fabric had slipped slightly off his shoulder, just enough to reveal what was underneath.
He realized it when Nagi started talking about it.
"Huh? Rin, where did you get those scars from?” - he asked completely innocently, as if he had no idea where they could come from, which was exactly why he asked. Yukimiya, who was there with them too, turned his attention in their direction, apparently noticing it as well.
“And why do you care?” - he asked immediately, fixing his shirt.
“Nothing. Just curious. Reo scratched himself on a wire fence once and he has one like that too.” - Of course he brought up that purple-haired guy. Rin had watched them from the sidelines and knew they used to play as a duo, but not anymore. He had learned that from Isagi, who definitely talked way too much.
“I don’t care about him. I cut myself on something once too” - he lied flatly, hoping that would satisfy the other boy, but unfortunately it didn’t work.
“How long ago? Reo did that a few months ago. We were coming back from practice then” - he said as if anyone cared.
“I already said I don’t care about Reo” - he replied, avoiding the question. Nagi only made his usual X-shaped expression and was about to start talking again.
“Reo is-"
Fortunately, the four-eyes interrupted him and immediately changed the subject.
“This isn’t the time for arguing" - he said. - “We should go eat dinner.”
“I’m not going. I’m not hungry” - Nagi admitted right away, taking out his phone and starting some other game.
“Rin?” - Yukimiya asked, looking at him.
“Me neither” - he answered immediately, and Kenyu let out a sigh.
“Then I’m going alone" - he said before leaving. And Rin honestly thought that would be the end of it, because after all, no one should care about his life.
Unfortunately, the next day, when they ended up alone for a moment, Yukimiya started a conversation.
He walked up close to him, but not enough to invade his personal space.
“I’m not going to pretend I didn’t see it” - he said directly, and Rin knew exactly what he meant. Those stupid scars, and most likely the one that still hadn’t fully healed. He didn’t answer and just stayed silent.
“I’m not asking for details. Just know that getting help is an option.”
Rin didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want help, he just wanted to be left alone. If he were alone, things would be better. He didn’t need anyone.
“Leave me alone" - he replied, and thankfully Yukimiya didn’t push any further and actually left him alone, which was probably the one good thing he had done.
After all, Rin himself didn’t even know what he was feeling. How could anyone else understand it?
After that, everything went back to how it had been before. They played more matches, and before he even realized it, Ego had already planned their starting lineup for U-20. Just as expected, Rin was included in it.
Nothing interesting happened until he heard that Sae could choose one person from Blue Lock for his team. A small spark of hope appeared inside him just as quickly as it died out.
Of course it wasn’t him.
It was fucking Shidou Ryusei. He believed Sae couldn’t possibly have made a worse choice.
Apparently, he hadn’t been chosen for some reason. He wanted to know what that reason was, he would’ve changed it immediately.
So after that, he once again had to take out his emotions on his own body. He didn’t care that the match was coming up soon, that someone had already found out he was doing this, or that he wouldn’t be able to stop flinching every time someone touched his shoulder. He had to do it again. He didn’t care what other people thought, they should just ignore him. It was his life, and he was the one who decided what to do with it.
But Isagi, as always, kept sticking his nose into things that weren’t his business. He didn’t want to admit it, but in a way it was comforting. The fact that someone actually worried about him enough to spend their time on him.
Maybe Yukimiya was right and getting help wasn’t the worst option, even though he still wouldn’t accept it. He wasn’t brave enough to talk about his problems to anyone. Isagi could be talkative, and he might accidentally tell others about what Rin had said to him.
That was why he couldn’t allow himself to completely break down in front of him, so he said nothing. He didn’t even know what he would say. He didn’t know why he felt so bad. It felt like there was no reason for it, which only made him feel even more like he shouldn’t be acting this way or feeling all of these things inside him.
Other people have real problems, and he’s just making things up. He couldn’t even describe his own emotions. Everything felt so difficult.
At one point, he wondered what he would even say to Isagi if he actually tried opening up to him. He realized that he probably wouldn’t even be able to put into words what was going on inside his head, so it wouldn’t lead anywhere, it would only make him feel even more stupid.
So he never even tried.
On the day of the U-20 match, he felt a mix of emotions. He was excited to play against his brother, but he was nervous too. He wanted to defeat him at any cost. He had worked so hard that he truly believed he could do it.
And well, maybe he had overestimated himself.
In the end, it wasn’t him who got all the attention, it was stupid Isagi Yoichi. He swore he would hate him forever. It was his fault. If it weren’t for him, everything would have been fine.
Maybe then Sae would have paid attention to him.
None of this made any sense.
He sat down on a bench and threw a towel over his head, wanting to disappear.
He wanted Sae to notice him so badly. To say something stupid like “You played well” or “I’m proud of you” anything. Just one word. But of course it couldn’t be that way. Isagi got the praise instead, even though he hadn’t even been trying for it.
He felt awful. He sat isolated from everyone else in his own little corner, lost in his thoughts. And that was when the first serious thoughts about death appeared.
It sounded absurd. To kill yourself because your brother didn’t praise you. And yet, sometimes those small things were the most important ones. Sae was the most important person in his life, and now knowing that no matter how hard he tried, he would never be noticed made him feel incredibly miserable.
He had lived for Sae. For their shared dream.
And when the dream disappears, what is there left to live for?
It’s not like he was important enough for anyone to even notice if he disappeared one day.
Some people would probably pretend to care. Like his parents.
And some probably wouldn’t care at all. Like Sae.
Others would say he was weak for doing something like that. Shidou would probably think that and laugh at him.
And after all of that, everyone would just go back to their normal lives. After all, if one drop disappears from the ocean, no one notices, right?
He kept sitting there, his thoughts spiraling as he gripped his wrist as tightly as he could. He wasn’t listening to what the others were saying. He was too distracted.
Only after a while did he snap out of it when he heard him.
Isagi.
He started saying something about how it had been their goal, that they had achieved it together.
What nonsense.
It wasn’t together if only one person was getting all the praise. Damn it, no one had even congratulated him, while Isagi was still the center of attention. No, this definitely wasn’t some shared achievement.
After Isagi’s little speech, Rin finally let out everything he was thinking. He told him that from now on he was his rival, and that he would beat him no matter how long it took. Yoichi apparently accepted that, and then left him alone.
Then, finally, everything was completely quiet and he could breathe. Though not for long, because the intrusive thoughts started bothering him again.
He felt like breaking down and never touching a soccer ball again.
Maybe if he had never started playing in the first place, he wouldn’t have all these problems, and Sae would still be with him. Maybe things would have been easier then.
~🌸🌸🌸~
After the match, he went to take a shower. Ice-cold water poured over his entire body.
He wanted to hurt himself, but he didn’t have anything he could use, so he just painfully dug his nails into his shoulders. At some point he started drawing blood, which shouldn’t have made him happy, but it did.
He wasn’t hiding his crying anymore. After all, under the shower no one could really tell, and he didn’t have the strength to pretend that everything was fine.
Things weren’t fine. He was shattered into pieces. He was choking on his own sobs, not knowing what to do with himself. His vision was blurry and glazed over, and his body was trembling.
His breathing became heavier, harder and harder to control. His mouth felt dry despite all the water pouring over him.
He felt like he was going to pass out.
He was exhausted after the physical strain he had just gone through, and on top of that he felt dizzy.
Even the sound of the shower was slowly becoming irritating, just like the unbearable voices in his head.
He didn’t know exactly what was happening. He didn’t know why he felt this way, but he wanted it to stop already. His shoulders and fingers burned, and his face was soaked with tears. God, he must have looked awful.
He stayed like that for quite a long time. He didn’t know exactly how long, but it had definitely been a while. Or maybe it only felt that way, in the state he was in, every second felt heavy and stretched on endlessly.
It was hard for him to calm down, because in the end, he was alone. No one was holding him in their arms or whispering comforting words to him. He was on his own; he couldn’t rely on anyone. They probably wouldn’t care anyway.
But after some time, he was finally able to take deeper breaths and calm the trembling, at least a little. The important thing was that he could think clearly again.
His eyes were swollen, and he was sure they’d be red the next day. Still, he hoped no one would notice. After all, they were leaving first thing in the morning and their two-week break was starting. He would quickly slip out of the room, take the last seat on the bus, and no one would notice him.
He hoped it would be as easy to do as it sounded.
He turned off the water, though he still didn’t step out of the shower. He was afraid someone might be there and notice his eyes, or his shoulders scratched until they bled. He had to make sure no one was around, so he just listened carefully to every sound.
When it stayed quiet for a while, he stepped out and put on his pajamas as quickly as possible. Then he walked out with quick steps and headed back to his room without paying attention to anything else.
Maybe he should eat something, or train a little. After all, he was still too weak, and he couldn’t waste even a second. And yet, the moment he touched the mattress, he couldn’t move anymore.
He lay down comfortably and curled into the blanket, which was pleasantly warm.
He tried to fall asleep without thinking about today. He tried to focus on something nice, something that made him happy, though honestly he wasn’t even sure what that was. So he just imagined something he wanted to experience someday.
At first, he imagined himself defeating Sae, and then his nii-chan coming up to congratulate him on the victory.
For a moment he felt a little better, but when he realized that would never happen, he felt like crying all over again.
So the night was torture. Especially when his roommates came back and he had to pretend to be asleep just to avoid talking to them. On top of that, he tried his hardest to suppress the sound of his quiet sobs.
The morning was just as awful. He had no energy for anything, but he still had to force himself to get up. He kept telling himself that once he got home he’d be able to calm down more, let out his emotions, and hopefully get some rest.
He went to the cafeteria, and his head hurt from all the excited shouting. Everyone was in a good mood, which made Rin feel guilty for not being able to enjoy all of this too. But he just couldn’t. His goal hadn’t been achieved. He had nothing to celebrate.
He put some food on his tray, but he felt like throwing up the moment he looked at it. He hadn’t eaten in a while, but he couldn’t force himself to swallow anything. It had no taste, and the texture felt like rubber. Disgusting.
He played around with the food on his plate for a moment before standing up to leave. He was pretty sure someone called his name, but he ignored it. He really didn’t feel like talking.
He went back to his room and just waited for Ego to announce that the bus had arrived and they were finally leaving.
Thankfully, it happened quickly, and in what felt like an instant he was already standing outside the building, waiting for transportation.
Then he heard someone calling him again. He ignored it, but that didn’t work.
Isagi walked up to him with that annoying smile of his.
“Hey, Rin” - he started, getting straight to the point. - “Can I get your number?”
“Hmp. Why would I? We’re rivals, Isagi. I’m going to beat you.”
Isagi laughed. - “I’m the one who’s going to beat you. But that doesn’t change the fact that we can still stay in touch, right?”
“Leave me alone, idiot.” - Rin had no idea what was going through Isagi’s head coming up to him with something like that. Yesterday he had practically declared war on him, and now he wanted his number? No chance.
“Come on, everyone here is exchanging contacts. It’s worth having them.” - He actually had a logical reason. Most of the people here had grown close and had almost become friends.
“If I give it to you, will you leave me alone?” - he asked, and Isagi nodded while already pulling out his phone.
If Isagi got too annoying, he could just block him. Right now, he just wanted to be left alone.
Once they had exchanged numbers, Isagi said something else in the meantime, but honestly Rin wasn’t listening. Isagi noticed and just sighed before walking away, though truthfully, he looked a little worried.
Rin looked like he hadn’t slept at all today, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Something was definitely wrong, but Yoichi didn’t know what, and he didn’t want to push him. He knew Rin was strong, and whatever it was, he’d handle it himself. Besides, he probably wouldn’t accept any help anyway, so Yoichi just gave him what he wanted, solitude. Still, just in case, he had his number now, so he could at least check how he was doing during the break. Assuming Rin would even reply.
Itoshi had hoped the trip would go by quickly without any problems, but fate was definitely not on his side.
He ended up on the same bus as Shidou Ryusei, who was talking way too much about Sae. Rin had no idea what his deal was with all of this, but it was incredibly annoying.
Unfortunately, their seats were also pretty close to each other, and considering how loud Ryusei was, Rin could hear everything he was saying.
So apparently that stupid bug had gotten Sae’s number. Rin had no idea what his brother was thinking giving his contact information to a weirdo like him, but he’d known for a long time now that Sae wasn’t normal.
And even worse, Shidou was bragging about it like it was some incredible, once-in-a-lifetime achievement. He also apparently couldn’t shut up for even a second.
And God, Rin really did not want to hear their story. Deep down it hurt knowing that his own brother preferred someone he hated with all his heart. That was hard to accept too, so somewhere in the back of his mind he kept trying to convince himself that Shidou was just making stupid jokes.
The trip was difficult. Halfway through, he put on his headphones so he wouldn’t have to listen to everyone else talking, though even that barely helped.
When it was finally his stop, he got off as quickly as possible, not wanting to spend another second around those people.
He only had a few minutes to walk, and before long he was home. He called out for his parents to see if they were there, but apparently they weren’t. They probably didn’t even know he was coming home today.
The fact that he was alone was comforting. No one would bother him, and he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. After being stuck in Blue Lock for so long, he finally had time for himself, peace and quiet, with no one else around. He had definitely missed that.
He went into his room and immediately lay down on his bed. It was comfortable, and he felt like falling asleep right there. Even so, he forced himself to get up.
He still had training to do today. He didn’t have time to rest. He had to beat Sae. No matter how tired he was, he had to do what he needed to do.
Getting up again was difficult, but he managed it. It took him a few minutes, but he ignored that. What mattered was that he had done it.
He changed into his usual training clothes and headed for the field. The weather was nice, which was at least a little comforting.
He arrived at the field. The same one where Sae had left him. He didn’t have good memories tied to that place, but it was the best place to train, so he kept coming back to it out of habit.
He picked up a ball and started shooting without even warming up. Most of the shots were perfect, exactly the way he imagined them, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew they still wouldn’t be enough for Sae.
Sae was better than him. That was a fact. He hadn’t been able to copy his shot during the U-20 match. He should’ve been able to do it easily, and he was angry at himself for failing.
He was angry at Isagi for stealing his goal. He didn’t know if he could’ve actually prevented it, but he regretted every decision that had led to Yoichi scoring.
That was why he trained until exhaustion now, until his body gave out on him. He had to become the best in the world. Then he’d finally be noticed.
He got home late in the evening. Just like he expected, his parents still weren’t back, so the house was completely empty.
With trembling legs, he made his way to the kitchen and suddenly remembered that he had barely eaten anything all day. He normally wouldn’t have cared, if not for the fact that he didn’t want to lose his good physique. That would only push him further away from his goal of becoming the best.
There weren’t any healthy or worthwhile ingredients in the fridge, so he decided not to put any effort into making dinner. Simple sandwiches would have to do, though he wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to swallow them.
When he went back to his room, he turned on his iPad looking for something to distract himself with. He changed into his pajamas without bothering to shower, deciding that skipping it once wouldn’t hurt anything. He was too exhausted to do anything other than lie down.
He put on one of the horror movies from his watchlist without even reading the description. He quickly realized he probably should have done that first.
He wasn’t scared of movies like that, though he liked the thrill they gave him. But the movie he had picked was more disgusting than scary.
The special effects makeup was really good. The blood looked real.
And watching scenes where the characters hurt themselves in different parts of their bodies made him remember his own scars. He pulled down his shirt and looked at them. They were visible.
It shouldn’t have, but looking at them gave him a sense of satisfaction. His pain was reflected in those simple lines. They showed his real feelings.
He wanted to do it again, of course. The fact that he was alone now only made the urge stronger. Even so, he tried to suppress the feeling. More scars meant they’d be harder to hide. And he had to hide them, if someone saw them, they’d think he was weak.
Shidou had already seen them. He probably looked down on him for it, seeing him as some teenager who couldn’t handle his own problems. It was humiliating.
Yukimiya had suggested that he look for help, but what was the point if nobody would understand him anyway? His problems felt like nothing compared to what some other people went through. Nobody would even take them seriously. He couldn’t expect any support.
And with that thought, he decided that was enough for today. He turned off the movie halfway through and set the sandwiches aside on his desk. He had eaten one. That was enough.
He turned off the lights and tried to fall asleep.
Keyword, tried.
Falling asleep with all those thoughts was difficult. Constantly comparing himself to others in his head, being afraid of what people would think of him, it was overwhelming.
He didn’t want to live like this. Not this way.