Chapter Text
Toying somewhere between love and abuse
Calling to join them, the wretched and joyful
Shaking the wings of their terrible youths
Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion
No more alone or myself could I be
Lurched like a stray to the arms that were open
No shortage of sordid, no protest from me
The house was swaying under Tyler’s feet or maybe he was the one swaying he didn’t know and didn’t really care as he pushed through the crowd of people, dancing in the living room, to the kitchen.
He knew it was a bad idea to live with six guys at college, it was basically a frat just without the title. Half of which were also on the basketball team with Tyler.
But Mark had convinced him it would be fun, pleading with puppy dog eyes and who was he to say no to that.
Mark had figured out how to wrap Tyler round his finger in 7th grade and had never looked back.
This was their third or maybe fourth party this week, Tyler couldn’t remember. It had blurred into one long never ending noise. As long as he had a drink in hand, he didn’t mind though the increasing number of people standing, blocking his way through his own home was seriously starting to piss him off.
He’d been at college for a year and realized he hated it by the end of his first month. Still being undecided in his major wasn’t helping either. His parents had called it academically drifting. Whatever the hell that meant.
Maybe he was drifting, he didn’t care. He had time to figure it out. Or maybe he didn’t. But either way his parents would probably be disappointed in whatever subject he picked. He could hear them in his head as he picked up another beer.
The ice cold liquid disappeared in seconds, blissfully numbing his throat. He smashed the can against the kitchen counter until it was a crumpled stack. Even though his vision was hazy, his wrist still flicked perfectly, landing the can straight in the bin.
“Ayyyyy Tyler! My man!” Dylan shouted as he watched.
The man was everywhere. Tyler had seen him in five different rooms that night, all with a different girl hanging on his arm.
He didn’t mind Dylan, he wasn’t the worst out of Tyler’s roommates. Not his favourite either but sufferable.
“Heyyy! They don’t call me the basket king for nothin’ “ Tyler’s voice was slightly slurring but manageable as he pulled his face into a grin.
“Dude nobody calls you that.” Logan sniped back. Tyler hates Logan. Hated him the moment the guy pulled him into a way too tight handshake the first day they met. He hadn’t let go of Tyler’s hand until he’d finally forced a smile. A shiver ran down Tyler’s spine just thinking about it.
Fucking slimy ass dude. Majors in business or something like that. Will probably be a billionaire by 30 with a wife that definitely is fucking the pool boy.
“Uhh yeah they do! You’re just jealous I’m scoring more than you! Bet your wrist can’t do shit cause you're using it to jack off alone every night!” Tyler glared back, grabbing another beer to chase the bile rising in his throat. He’d told himself he wasn’t throwing up that night.
“Naughty naughty Tyler!” Dylan teased as Logan huffed, sulking away to find a girl that would give him any attention.
“He fucking asked for it.” Tyler replied through gritted teeth. He needed something or someone else.
His eyes scanned across the room to find his next target. He was drunk enough to manage to hook up with a girl but not enough to pretend he enjoyed it. They were all just so annoying.
He wasn’t drunk enough to push his inner demons away to find a guy though.
“Where’s Rico?”
“Ha, where do you think?” Dylan laughed, pulling out multiple shot glasses.
Tyler’s head was pulsing as it throbbed just trying to stay upright.
“Porch I think. Gotta call him the candyman though. Apparently he’s only answering to that tonight.” Dylan grinned as he handed a glass to Tyler. He didn’t dare ask what was in it, letting the burn encase his throat as he tipped the shot back.
“Jesus Christ Dylan!”
Tyler’s face scrunched into a ball as he shook his head violently. It was a stupid reaction, making the room spin even more as he stumbled towards the porch.
“Don’t use our lord's name in vain!” Dylan shouted, laughing as Tyler tripped over his shoes as he tried to raise his middle finger towards him.
“Fucking asshole.” Tyler muttered as he pushed open the porch door, the cold air engulfing him making his skin burn harder.
“Hey man!” Mark called, attracting Tyler’s weary attention. His eyes were dragging as he tried to find Mark.
“Dude you okay?” A hand gripped Tyler’s shoulder as he found Mark standing right next to him.
“Yeah fine… just looking for someone.” Tyler mumbled, his eyes catching the shuffling of movements behind Mark.
“Sure..” Mark nodded with total disbelief before following Tyler’s eye line. “Oh yeah this is Josh!” He grinned as he introduced the curly haired guy shifting awkwardly on the balls of his feet.
His hair was sticking out in different directions under a backwards cap. Tyler wanted to run his hands through it but instead was distracted by the subtle hint of muscle pushing through the shirt that was definitely a size too small for the guy.
Their gazes trapped each other for a moment too long before Tyler moved away. After Dylan’s shot he was definitely drunk enough to let his dirty temptations rise.
“Okay…?” He shrugged, his gaze back on Mark, not noticing the drop in Josh’s shoulders. “Have you seen Rico?"
“Candyman? Yeah he was out here trying to sell me some pills or some shit.” Mark laughed, shaking his head. “When will that guy get it in his head I don’t do that?”
“Yeah… yeah..” Tyler nodded though he wasn’t paying attention. Josh was still staring into his soul and it was freaking him out.
“Tyler. Don’t. Promise me you won’t.” Mark's voice grew stern. He knew what Tyler was like.
“Nah! Nah.. I won’t. Just wanted to ask him something…” Tyler waved his hand but he was already one foot back in the house.
“Tyler…” he could hear Mark sigh but the fix was itching. Scratching at his brain, begging to be let loose.
He scanned the kitchen once more, his eyes lighting up when the familiar crew cut was found.
“Yo!” Tyler called, his heart hammering as he nearly skipped over.
“T- Dog! What’s poppin?” Rico smiled, he knew what Tyler was looking for. The small bag already nestled in his fingers.
“Hey! So have you got any K?” Tyler asked nervously, high off anticipation.
“For you? Of course! Just settle the score in the morning.” Rico grinned devilishly as he placed the bag in Tyler’s palm. His shaking fingers wrapped around it as he placed it in his pocket.
“Thank you!” Tyler sighed. His feet are already instinctively moving towards the stairs to the bathroom.
Five long lines quickly appeared on the bathroom counter as he rolled an already curled dollar bill. The familiar sour drip hit the back of his nose and down his throat as each line disappeared up his nose.
The bathroom lights glowed a soft yellow haze as the thumping music from below him mellowed, his hands starting to tingle. It was a beautiful feeling that encompassed Tyler’s entire body, easing the demons in his head.
“Y’know that shit is bad for you..”
A sudden voice sent Tyler stumbling backwards as he tried to wipe any remnants away.
His head whipped up to meet a curly haired guy standing against the closed door. The comforting look in his eyes was familiar but his name had already been forgotten.
“What the fuck man?” Tyler shouted, his face burning hot with embarrassment as he stared the guy up and down only to find him not budging. “The fuck is your problem?”
“You.” Josh smiled. It riled Tyler up, pumping his blood even faster around his body.
“Me? I don’t even know you?”
A soft laugh broke free from Josh as he stared intensively.
“What?” Tyler demanded.
“We met earlier.”
Tyler's brain buzzed as he tried to force his memories to work. Josh's soft chocolate eyes coming back to him. He remembered.
“No.” he huffed through gritted teeth. “Don't remember you.”
Josh nodded as he looked Tyler up and down.
“I saw the way you looked at me..”
The accusation hit Tyler like a freight train as he staggered closer to the guy. His fists balled into a tight clench.
“You better watch yourself.” Tyler snarled through a clenched jaw though the amount of alcohol in his system was betraying his body control especially as Josh’s eyes flitted between Tyler’s eyes and his mouth.
“Yeah?”
“..yeah..”
A wicked grin etched across Josh’s mouth as Tyler inched forward. Their faces close enough he could feel the hot air escaping Tyler’s lips, flushing against Josh’s face.
“Yeah?”
Everything in Tyler’s body was telling him not to do this. This wasn’t how he should be acting. It was too public, in his own house. He had rules. He’d told god that it wasn’t what he wanted. But oh god did he want to.
It was suffocating. Heat crawled under Tyler’s skin as the room became fuzzy but his attention on Josh became sharper.
Josh didn’t move. The shit eating grin still wrapped around his face.
Tyler didn’t know what was different with this guy but it enraged him. The others had fucked him by this point and moved on but not this guy. He wasn’t even flinching as Tyler tightened the gap. His fist shaking between them, getting pushed back and forth by their panting chests.
“What are you gonna do? Punch me?” Josh taunted, his gaze staying steady on Tyler’s.
“You don’t know shit.” Tyler spat though his voice was faltering.
It was unnerving him how calm this guy was.
Tyler’s ear burned as Josh leaned forward to whisper. His breath was hot against Tyler’s neck.
“I know you want to kiss me.”
Tyler’s chest tightened with each word uttered. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t the script. His feet stumbled as the feeling in his feet rushed back. He didn’t know if he was going to be sick from the alcohol or because of Josh but either way his stomach churned.
He had two options in his mind. Punch the guy or throw up on him. Tyler didn’t actually want either. Leaving him just stood shaking with his fist starting to drop at his side.
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Tyler forced out firmly, keeping his gaze set on the other man. Part of him hoped Josh would just take his silent plea. The buzz from the drugs was wearing off and if something didn’t happen soon, he’d lose his nerve.
Josh’s eyes followed him as he swayed, scanning him carefully like he could see straight into Tyler’s brain.
“Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?” Josh asked, fake innocence littering his tongue.
“You know what. Stop reading my mind.” Tyler huffed, his face starting to flush. He’d only just met the guy and it felt like he’d made a home in Tyler’s mind.
Josh’s head tipped back as he laughed. His Adam’s apple bobbing, catching Tyler’s attention for a moment before he looked away.
“Dude I’m not a mind reader.”
Tyler wished he was. He wished he could climb into this guys head and find out what the fuck was going on.
“I’m Josh by the way. Guessing you’d forgotten already.” Josh nodded knowingly.
“I don’t care.” Tyler snapped.
He cared. He cared so much it was intoxicating. In a matter of minutes, this guy had crawled under Tyler’s skin like nobody else. He’d been so used to the never ending loop of each day, going through the motions of what was expected of him that he’d stopped expecting anything different. Josh had not only stopped that loop but broken it entirely.
“Okay well nice to meet you ‘I don't care’ and enjoy yourself. Oh and stay away from that stuff. It’s lethal.” Josh grinned as he broke the stifling tension between them.
Tyler knew that already, Josh’s acknowledgment only angered him more.
Tyler's shoulders slumped at sudden loss of heat against his chest as Josh slipped out the door. A grin plastered across his face as he checked Tyler’s lost face one more time before disappearing. The door clicking closed behind him.
“What the fuck..” Tyler exhaled, his chest heaving as he finally released the breath he’d been sucking in.
A flush of heat prickled against his torso at sudden loss of proximity as he ran his hand across his shoulders, feeling the tension in his muscles.
Tyler's jaw clenched, grinding against his teeth as he turned the tap on. Cool water splashing across face, knocking his senses back to him as he breathed through his pent up frustration.
The floorboards rattled under the thumping bass as he stepped out the bathroom, not caring for the annoyed looks he received from the queue waiting.
“It's my house.” he muttered, sulking back down the stairs to the main living area which had been turned into a makeshift dancefloor.
Hands from various girls were already moving across his body as they each fought for his attention. He hated it but he smiled anyway with a practiced charm, feeling the mask be pulled back on as he allowed his hips to move in time with the music.
“Hey! Im-”
“Want to come to my room?” Tyler interrupted. He didn't need her name. Just needed her to continue the image he'd built for himself.
A smile spread across his face when she nodded nervously as he took her hand, making sure he didn't rush so as many people as possible would notice them.
He didn't turn the lights on, only allowing the moonlight glow to light up his room as he moved mechanically. The sounds of girlish moans spread through the room mixed with his own heavy grunts as he went through the motions.
“Do you like this? Am I doing okay?” she whispered.
“Huh? Oh.. yeah.. Great.” He muttered as he continued to thrust. His mind absent as a certain brown eyed man creeped into his thoughts.
His pace quickened with each thought, infuriating him further. What was the deal with this guy?
Tyler’s stomach clenched just as he released with a soft grunt, pulling out nearly instantly once his shoulders started to droop. His fingers wrapping around his waistband, pulling his boxers and shorts back up before finally taking his first glance at the girl spread out panting in his bed.
“That was-” She exhaled, looking at him only to find him already in his leather armchair. His fingers rolled a paper back and forth.
“Get out.” Tyler muttered, voice low and firm as he paid the joint in his fingers more attention.
“What?”
A heavy sigh filled the room as he sparked his lighter. “Did you not hear me? You can leave now.” Tyler leaned back into the chair as he took the first drag, the sound of quiet whimpers echoed as she pulled her clothes back on in a hurry.
“Dick.” She sniveled as she opened the door. The hallway light flooded into his room, illuminating the toneless expression etched across his face.
“Yeah yeah I know.” He sighed, bringing the joint back up for another toke.
The room plummeted back into darkness as she slammed the door shut, leaving Tyler with only the soft glow of embers and moonlight.
His hair caught in his ring as he pushed his hand through it, trying to soothe the static drone that had filled his brain for the last three days. It was relentless. Peaking and dipping throughout the day but never leaving. A constant reminder of how imbalanced he was.
Tyler’s eyes followed the trail of light coming through his window. He wished he could live on the moon. He’d be happier there. Everyone else would be happier too if he disappeared there for a while.
His fingers gripped the neck of a bottle as he rested the joint between his lips, using the other now free hand to push his window open. His feet wobbled slightly as he climbed onto the garage roof. When they'd moved into the house, it was the first thing he'd noticed. The other guys hadn't understood his stubborn adamancy to have that room, letting him have it mainly so he'd stop having a fit about it.
Although he was drunk, Tyler still slid expertly down the sloped roof. His feet thudded as he hit the ground before slipping away into the night.
The music flooding out the house drifted into the background as he went.