Chapter Text
Lethe • Noun : a river in Hades whose waters cause drinkers to forget their past.
It was deafening. Voices overlapped each other like the ocean waves crashing against eroded rock. His mind felt jumbled, a mess of everything. It was agony.
He didn't know what to expect, really. Palp— no, Darth Sidious had just told him he was a Sith Lord and told him he could save Padme. He could, he really could. All Anakin had to do was Fall.
Give in to the Dark Side.
For a while, Anakin had been contemplating something. Wondering what anything meant. Wondering why he was there, why he was born, why did the Force give him burdens, disguising them as blessings?
Was his existence, a curse?
It was a question that lingered at the back of his mind ever since his mother died. Maybe she could've been a normal woman if Anakin was never born. It was all his fault.
Maybe he shouldn't have taken Ahsoka as his padawan. Look where that ended up. It was all his fault.
Maybe if he didn't marry Padme, she would live. She could've loved someone who wouldn't lead her to her death. It was all his fault.
All his fault.
Anakin was the problem.
He was a powerful pawn to be used by everyone because the Force favored him. The Force created him — why?
Before him, Windu and Sidious were confronting each other, both shouting at Anakin. It was so loud yet so quiet. His chest felt constricted, air becoming thick and heavy to breathe. Why was he thinking about this? Why now?
Because it's true.
Because you need to make a choice.
But everyone I love dies. Nothing I do matters.
I only hurt everyone I love.
It hurt. It hurt so much. Windu was right, in his heart he knew that the Jedi Master was right but Sidious could save Padme, he could save her, he could—
What if he can't?
Doubt crept into his mind, its dark tendrils taking over.
What if they're lying?
Can he save her?
Does it matter anymore? Does anything?
Can you fight fate? Can you fight what's been ordained already?
…
Is this my curse?
"Anakin, you must help me, my boy!"
"Skywalker, don't listen to him. Clear your mind and think."
Sidious was desperate, his frail demeanor uncharacteristic to how he was manipulating Anakin in his quarters only a while ago.
Windu was strong and firm. He was not shouting at Anakin but keeping his voice at a controlled level. He kept the stern expression he always did but did it matter?
Could the Dark Side defy fate?
Anakin felt his legs give out as he stumbled on the ground. His robes spilled around, Windu quickly asking if he was okay without moving. Sidious didn't say anything, only watching him quietly.
"Hey, Sidious," Anakin murmured softly, not meeting the Sith's poker face. "Can you really defy fate? Can you really save her?"
"My boy, what are you saying?" He chuckled nonchalantly, as if he wasn't on the other side of a lightsaber. "Of course, there's many things the Dark Side can do, fate is merely just a pawn in the hands of such power."
"Enough with your foolishness, Sith! Knight Skywalker, what's wrong?"
Anakin couldn't hear him. He couldn't hear anything, just the quiet nothingness in his mind as he took in the Sith's answer.
He's lying. Of course he is, he's trying to get to me.
Why, why, why, why—
Why…
... You already know why.
"Liar."
Anakin weakly rasped, feeling the pain in his head suddenly splitting in two. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt so bad. He couldn't stop the tears flowing his cheeks as he looked at Sidious with a pained look.
"You're lying."
"Anakin?" Windu was now looking at him with worry — why? He didn't matter.
"I'm just a weapon. A weapon to be used by the Jedi, by the Sith…by slave masters…"
He couldn't stop. The pain only got worse as he buried his face inside his palms. What should he do? What could he do? All he did was ruin everything. He wasn't even good at his only purpose.
All he did was hurt everyone. He wasn't a person. No, no, of course he wasn't.
He never was.
I want to die.
Suddenly, darkness engulfed him. A blinding melancholy shot through him, unable to hold it in anymore. He felt his mind break, pieces of it shattering slowly. Like sand melting into glass, his brain felt like it was becoming something indescribable. The Dark Side? It hurt, it burned his vision, blurring everything around him.
Why would the Force do this to him? Why was he being made to suffer?
The Force, why, why would it do this to him? Did it not love him? Create him?
The Force gave him no answer as everything went around him went pitch black.
8 years later...
"But I don't wanna go to schoolllll!" Luke whined loudly while Padme continued to ignore him, brushing his mop of blond hair in place. "It's so boring, they don't let me do anything fun!"
Leia had been silently brushing her hair in the background, suddenly piped up solemnly.
"Maybe because you keep interrupting the classes with your dumb questions."
"And you're an annoying know-it-all, that's why you have no friends!"
"Stop, please," Padme spoke in a soft but dangerous voice. "Don't fight each other. Or at least, try not to."
The twins looked at each other with guilt, mumbling an apology to their mother and each other before heading out. They both kissed her goodbye on the cheek, Luke opting to linger for a bit longer until Padme reminded him it was time to go. She bid them farewell from their doorsteps, tiredly sighing the moment they disappeared from her sight.
The house always felt so much quieter whenever her children left for school. A few years ago, she envisioned spending this part of the day with Anakin — the two of them cleaning up together, going outside for groceries or any mundane task really. She knew it silly to imagine it all but at least he was still there to hear her fantasize about it.
Now he was just.. gone.
Anakin went missing shortly after the execution of Order 66. Obi-Wan told her he may have been killed in the massacre for he could no longer feel a bond with him; Padme said she refused to believe until she saw a body.
Not that the Empire was generous enough to leave bodies.
Then there was the Emperor's new right hand, Darth Melantha. Melancholy, Padme thought when she first heard of them. Their identity was entirely unknown to everyone and they remained true to their name, bringing pain and sadness to every part of the galaxy they touched.
Padme couldn't stay in Courscant anymore, not when she was constantly worried about Anakin. Was he still alive? Was he okay? She had absolutely no clue. But moving back to Naboo was something she was sure of. Something material for her to latch onto in his absence.
Moving back to her hometown with her parents and sister was a good decision. They were remote enough to be undetected by the Empire but got HoloNet access so they could keep up with everything.
Plus it helped, having her family take care of her and aid Padme in raising the twins. Sola loved playing favorites with Luke whereas Leia was her grandparents star child. Ryoo and Pooja loved spending time with their cousins and came over whenever they could.
Her life was good. She was grateful to spend the rest of her days like this but she couldn't fill the void where Anakin was supposed to be.
Sola brought up the fact she could try being in a relationship again but Padme didn't want that. Not when she could feel love for Anakin in her heart, not when she knew he was out there, somewhere.
Padme Naberrie just wished she could have her husband back.
Sometimes, Padme and Sola went to Theed for shopping and overhearing new information. She wasn't part of the Senate anymore but she was still actively interested and staying updated. Sometimes, she'd go to information brokers and ask for any intel about 'a blond haired Jedi with blue eyes.' but of course, nothing.
Today, the sisters left the children with their grandparents and went to look for some new items and intel. The markets of Theed were no longer as lively as she once remembered; storm troopers stood at every security point, checking everyone who entered and left, merchants selling their goods at insanely high prices while the locals walked around quietly, their heads down and mouths shut.
Padme knew that the black market would be better in terms of atmosphere and price but they didn't have what she needed. Today, she was looking for sewing supplies to fix some clothes for the twins and hopefully find a new dress for Leia; her daughter never expressed it verbally but Padme knew better that any girl her age would want to hear something prettier.
"Everything here is so steep, how do they expect anyone to afford this?" Sola complained beside her, flipping through clothing racks. "These better be made of the finest Nubian silk for that amount."
Padme snorted a bit, looking around at the other stalls. Perhaps she'd find a better deal with—
Padme suddenly froze, feeling her entire body go stiff.
"Me? Are you alright?"
She couldn't hear Sola. She couldn't hear anything. All she could register was the face of the man who just passed by them. It was a face she hadn't seen in over eight years.
"Anakin?"
Padme ignored Sola as she found herself running towards him. It was him, there was no mistake about it. Those were his crystalline blue eyes and face. It was him, it was unmistakably him.
And he was walking away from her.
Why? Did he not see her? Did he not recognize her after so many years? No, her Anakin would never forget her face, not even in a million years. So then why?
"Anakin!"
She finally caught up to him, grabbing his arm to stop him. He paused in his tracks, finally looking at her face. But he didn't seem to fathom who she was — the look on his face was entirely one of confusion. Was this really her husband? How could he not recall her?
"I'm sorry, are you talking to me?" Anakin (?) inquired, raising up his brow in question. "I don't think I'm the person you're looking for."
No. No, no, no
"Anakin, don't you know who I am? It's me! Padme!" She was practically crying now, her voice desperate. She reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly as she moved closer to him but he still looked at her oddly. What was happening, why was this happening?! "Anakin, please!"
"I'm sorry… who are you?"
Padme felt her heart shatter into a million pieces.