Archive of Our Own

Tyler clings to Josh, tears streaming down his face. They are wrapped tightly together, and Tyler can’t imagine letting go.

“It’ll be okay,” Josh hushes. “Shh, it’s okay, Ty. It’s just a few months. I’ll be home for Christmas.”

The airport hums around them, suitcases and people bumping into each other, voices overlapping. Announcements occasionally echo over the tile and long walls, indecipherable words and gate numbers. They are just another group in a sea of noise.

“I-ill miss you,” Tyler sniffles. “Don’ want you t-to go.” Whatever composure he had clung to was melting away now that they’d arrived at the departures gate.

Damn it, he had wanted to be strong. Not a sobbing mess. That’s not the last memory of him he wanted Josh to carry.

“I don’t wanna go either, baby. But this is such a good opportunity.”

“I kn-know. I know.” Tyler peels himself off his boyfriend, as hard as it is. “I jus’ wish it wasn’t so f-far.”

“Me too. Oh- no, don’t look at me like that or I’ll cry too.” He laughs waterily, face flushed and eyes already glassy. He’d have cried anyway.

Josh was going to go in there, get through security, and bawl his eyes out, Tyler is certain. His heart was always too big.

“‘M sorry. You- you gotta go, don’t you?” Tyler doesn’t want him to. He never wants to let him go.

He also knows that Josh would rather stay here and comfort Tyler until he missed his flight. One of them needs to pretend to be responsible.

He sobers himself as fast as he can. Tyler can fall apart when he gets back to their apartment, alone. Theirs, but now empty until Christmas, five months away.

“I don’t want to. I’m- Tyler. I’m scared.” He looks away, biting his cheek. “I know that's a dumb thing to say now, but… I’m so fucking scared.”

They were taking too long. But that’s why Tyler insisted they get here three hours early.

He let his hand come up and cradle Josh's cheek, thumb wiping at the stray tear that already escaped Josh’s eyes.

Even in the blue-white artificial light of the high vaulted ceilings, he’s so beautiful.

“Of what? You are so talented. I’m sure this will work. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

Josh had managed to secure himself a spot in a band based in LA. They had a decent following already and were looking at bigger and bigger prospects.

They were willing to fly Josh out and house him, but not Tyler. Not yet. Not until Josh had made himself a true staple of the band.

They both knew they couldn’t afford to pack up and move out there, even if they sold everything. Not safely, that is. If they did that, there was no plan B.

So Tyler would stay back, hold down their apartment and car until it was safe for him to go out.

“Not that. I’m scared for us. Ty- what, what if we can’t make it work? I don’t want to lose you-”

“Josh,” Tyler cuts him off. “We will make it work. This won't break us if we don’t let it, okay? I'm not letting go of you if you don’t let go of me.”

Josh nods, but doesn’t look convinced.

Tyler tilts Josh’s head towards him, making him look at his face as he says, “You are the only one I want. No amount of distance will change that.” He holds eye contact until Josh nods.

“Okay, I believe you.”

“Good,” Tyler pulls him in for a quick kiss. “Now go catch your flight, rock star.” He has to get Josh out of here before he changes his mind and drags him home.

They’d been dating since they were juniors in college. Well, since Tyler was a junior. Josh had dropped out to pursue his music.

Either way. They had been dating for almost five years now. Tyler was certain he was going to marry the man before him.

He planned to work extra hard to save up for a ring while he was gone, so he could surprise him when they inevitably met up in LA, so Tyler could move.

“Right. Yeah… right.” He nods, looking scared again. "I love you,” he says.

“I love you too. Text me when you take off and land. If you don't, I'll assume you died and will never forgive you.”

“Even if I actually die?” They try to joke, to make it easier.

“Especially if you die.” It’s not working. “Now go, before I drag you back home.”

Josh smiles crookedly and walks away, through the gate, away from their home, away from Tyler. He throws as many waves and glances over his shoulder as he can, but it’s still not enough.

Tyler already misses him.

He stands there longer than he’d like to admit before finally going back to the car.

The door slams beside him, loud and final. He just… sits in the car. He waits until his breath warms it before turning it on, just for some AC.

The dark parking garage seems to fit, busy yet empty, everyone leaving. The thick smell of gas and concrete is so lonely. He can't stand it.

He doesn’t know why he waits, but leaving the airport so quickly just feels wrong.

His phone buzzes.

Josh <3: about to take off! Putting on airplane mode

Josh <3: text you when I land, as promised

Josh <3: I love you so much

Tyler swallows hard, eyes blurring as he texts back.

Ty: I love you too

Ty: miss you already

He doesn’t get a response. Going home was the hardest thing he’s ever done. There is no preparation for going home without the person who makes it home.

The small, shitty apartment felt just that. Empty, devoid of life, devoid of Josh. Only some of his clothes and most of his things remain, which is nice.

But they aren’t him.

• — § — •

Life moved on, as impossible as it seemed. The first week was the hardest. During it, Tyler still looked for Josh even though he knew he wasn't there. His body wanted him before his mind could catch up.

He found himself calling out when he got home, or reaching for his spot on the bed when he was in between dreams and reality. It hurt.

It was hard to even keep in touch properly. The time difference often had them working while the other was free. Tyler, one of his many jobs, Josh, practicing.

Shows didn’t start until the start of September. That meant Tyler had to hold his own financially for almost a month. He had to keep their bank accounts happy, the emergency fund full, and the various necessary little things up to date.

It meant horrible hours and even worse meals. Well, not really, but just in case something happened with the first few shows and money didn't come in when they had planned.

It was in between jobs that they finally managed to call instead of texting.

FaceTime, to Tyler's delight.

He was in his car, in front of a high-end restaurant where he had started working. The parking lot was still mostly empty, but people were starting to fill in for the evening. He didn't have long.

As much as he wanted to stay in the car, with the faint smell of cherries from the freshener Josh had chosen, the remnants of his items, and, soon, his voice, he had to work.

Even there, he still looked… rough. Tired, more accurately. Despite his attempts to clean up and be presentable for the customers, it was easy to tell he wasn't at his best. Pale skin, more sunken eyes, his hair never lying just quite right.

“Hi, baby!” Josh said, loud and excited, the moment the call connected. "I'm so happy to see you!”

As much as Tyler wanted to, he could not meet Josh's enthusiasm. He was simply too worn out.

Already.

That wasn’t good. He’d worry about it later.

He needed to ensure he and Josh could live until money started coming in. He had to cover Josh’s rent for a bit, too. It was hard.

“Hey J.” He smiled fondly at his boyfriend, who was simply glowing.

His curls had gotten more defined, his skin a bit tanner, making his freckles show. Behind him was a beautifully painted wall with flowers and clouds.

It suited him so well.

Josh squints, moving the phone very close to his face. An unflattering distance, really, but Tyler would always find him pretty.

“Babe. Don't take this the wrong way. You look like shit.”

Tyler snorts. “Oh, thanks. What everyone wants their boyfriend to say after not seeing each other for over a week.”

“Nonono- I just mean you look exhausted. Have you been sleeping? Are you overworking yourself already? Ty, I told you not to do that-“

"I'm fine, Josh." He cuts in. “Just a rough transition, but I'm getting used to it. Don’t worry about me.”

Josh frowns. “But that's my job. Who else will do it?”

“Me, silly. Now. Tell me about LA,” Tyler redirects this. He really isn't taking the best care of himself right now, and is certainly not planning to, but it'll be worth it. He’ll get Josh a pretty, real white-gold ring.

The distraction works. Josh visibly lights up. “Oh my god, Tyler, it's amazing. You don't even know. You are going to love it here so much; the weather is just amazing.”

He falls into a ramble describing the apartment he’s sharing with the other band members, how they already feel like brothers to him.

As much as Tyler misses him, he can't deny that he likes how happy Josh is.

“So, when's the first show?” He asks, as if he doesn't already know.

“September 3rd. I can't even describe how excited I am, Ty. We all just… click so well. Musically, I mean. It's just another level.” He sighs, and Tyler can even see the dreamy look in his eye through the screen.

"I'm so happy for you, babe. This was the right choice, I'm sure of it.”

“I really hope so. I miss you so much. I’m so lonely without you here.”

“Me too, but it’ll be worth it,” Tyler checks his watch and feels his heart drop. “I’ve gotta go. My shift starts in like, ten.”

“Oh. Alright,” Josh sounds so dejected. Tyler wished he could just quit on the spot to keep talking to him. Here, it almost felt like Josh was genuinely beside him. “Text me when you get out, ’kay?”

“Always. Love you,” Tyler smiles.

“Love you too.”

The call ends, forcing Tyler's phone back to his home screen. A picture of them. His chest aches.

Just a few months.

• — § — •

Josh’s first show was today, and Tyler was all but vibrating to hear how it went. No, scratch that, he was shaking. Literally.

He wanted to call him the moment it ended, but he decided to wait for Josh’s okay. He didn’t want to overwhelm him so soon after a show like that.

But Tyler was still antsy.

He was obsessively clicking through Josh's story, over and over.

The public side just had a photo of their poster and a simple “Everyone should pop on out tn”.

The private side was fun.

Photos of him backstage with the band, a peek into the small, but packed venue, with an audio of their cheering. A fit check for the show that had Tyler salivating.

A mesh shirt, flashy chokers, and loose shorts. He seemed almost covered in glitter, too. Either that or sweat, but he seemed to sparkle as if dusted with the stars themselves.

Tyler nearly burned all the money on a plane ticket right then and there.

But he didn’t.

He's staring at that very photo when his phone buzzes with Josh’s personal ringtone.

Tyler’s never accepted a call that quick.

Josh's end of the phone is staticky, and other male voices are overlapping around him. His phone seems propped up on a couch, or something similar.

The sound cuts off suddenly as Josh puts his AirPods in.

Tyler wastes no time.

“Hi, baby! How was the show? I want to hear all about it. You looked so good in that outfit, I hope you know. Nearly flew myself out there the moment I saw it,” Tyler rambles.

Suddenly, his brain connects with his eyes.

Josh is shirtless.

“Dude, where did your shirt go?”

Josh laughs. “I think you are almost more excited about this whole thing than I am.”

Tyler scoffs. “Sorry for feeling all excited that you get to live your dream. Shirtless, apparently. Not that I’m complaining, just wish I was there to see it in person.”

“Well, sadly, I do need to put on a shirt now,” Tyler boos. “Har har har. Seriously, I need to get dressed, though. What took you so long to call?”

“I didn’t wanna rush you, if you needed a minute to cool down first i wanted you to have it.”

“I’ll never need a minute when it comes to you, Ty. You are my cool down. I want you to call me immediately, if you can. You are why any of this is worth it.” Tyler could melt. “Speaking of which, I was not prepared for how hot it was going to be.”

“Yes, yes! Tell me all about it.”

“I think it was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Yet also the funnest. I thought I was gonna pass out from nerves at first, but after the first song I just… got into it. Then I thought I was gonna pass out from dehydration.”

Tyler laughs, delighted. “What was the setlist?”

Josh rambles about songs, transitions, which ones were hardest to keep beat on, et cetera. All the while, Tyler grins at his phone like a love-sick fool.

Because he is one. Josh is so happy, he can't help but stare like an idiot.

While Josh is explaining the venue setup, another man enters the frame. He walks up and claps Josh on the back, saying something Tyler can't discern. He's wearing a comfy shirt and ripped jeans, neon accessories hanging from every available surface.

He thinks his name is Cameron… or Carson? The bassist, if he remembers correctly. He looks taller than Josh, with straight blond hair sticking to everything with sweat. He’s pretty.

Tyler's stomach, regrettably, twists. He shouldn’t be jealous, but he’s never been a fan of sharing, Josh, any form of it. If he could, he’d start a band with just the two of them, just to keep the man with him at all times.

“Huh? Where..? Oh. Right now?? I- yeah. Yeah, I’ll think about it.”

Tyler feels his heart sink as Josh picks up the phone and settles into a rather stiff-looking chair. “You gotta go?”

“Nah, not if I don’t want to. The guys are going out for an after-party and stuff, and were just asking if I wanted to go.”

“And do you want to go?”

Josh blinks. “I mean. Sure, a drink with my band sounds nice. But staying here and talking to you does too.”

“If it’s a band thing, you should go,” Tyler says, even though he’d much rather keep Josh to himself. “Making friends with these guys is important, right?”

“I mean, yeah. But…”

“You don’t have to go, but I’m saying I think you should.”

"It's a club,” Josh says, and it makes sense.

“Oh. I…” That's a rough spot to be in. Would he rather Josh not go clubbing without him, with guys he doesn’t know? Of course. Really, he’d rather set himself aflame than picture Josh in that space, neon lights, sweaty people, too much alcohol and drugs, the scent of bad decisions floating in the air…

But Tyler had been in a band when he was younger… he understands why it’s important to get close with these guys. Not doing that is what led to his band’s failure. The fracture ruined everything music for Tyler. He wouldn't wish that on Josh in a million years.

He swallows. “I trust you, if that’s what you are worried about. Do you trust yourself?”

“Of course I do, I just want to take your feelings into account. I don’t want to do anything you wouldn’t like.”

So considerate. Josh really is a sweetheart. “Thank you. That means a lot, actually. But no, I think you should still go. Just be careful.”

Josh gnaws on his lip. “I mean… if you are sure… I’m serious, I don’t care if I go or not.”

“I know you are, which is why I’m insisting you go. It’s like, super late for me anyway. I wouldn’t be good company. Go have some fun.”

“I don’t like you implying you aren’t fun or good company, but sure,” Josh huffs. “I’ll go ‘have fun’ or whatever.”

He air quotes and grins.

“It won’t be the same without you. I’ll text you when I get in, so you don’t worry, okay?”

Josh knows him too well.

“Thanks, baby. I love you. Good job tonight, I can't wait to see the performance videos later.”

“I love you too. I’ll see if I can snag some extra footage of just me for you. Buh-bye.”

The phone goes dead, and a weight settles in Tyler's stomach. He stares back into their dark, empty room and curls into a ball. He sits like that for a while, feeling sorry for himself, willing sleep to come.

It doesn’t.

He gets a notification.

Josh Dun added a photo to their story.

Josh Dun had added several photos to their private story.

Tyler clicks. A photo of the green room pops up with all of the band members visible.

“Great job, guys!” It says, followed by a bunch of @’s that must be the other members. Tyler never really cared enough to learn much about them, but he figures he should.

He’ll go do that tomorrow, though. He doesnt want to see them all out having fun right now.

The next one is a private story. A photo of a neon club sign, blurred with motion. A video of a crowded, dark room. A selfie of Josh with the band member from the call, drink in hand, tongue out as he grins.

Tyler almost smiles, but feels his stomach twisting at the same time. Josh is happy, so he should be happy.

But he wants Josh back, instead.

He’s just so lonely.

• — § — •

Tyler is beginning to work more. The money they had saved up to properly prepare for Tyler’s single income had dried up.

Money hadn’t come in from the venues yet, as far as he was concerned. It was getting a bit nerve-racking. Their apartment wasn't nice by any means, but it was well placed within the city, big enough that they could've, in theory, gotten a roommate.

It wasn't cheap, to say the least. If there had been enough time and it hadn’t screwed up the moving process, they would've definitely gotten another roommate.

But Josh had been sending him photos constantly, paired with sweet messages. It eased some of the distance that came with conflicting schedules. It was hard to call, to even text, most days properly.

One was of a busy shopping center with "I can't wait to take you here- theres so much to do”

Or one of a large, pristine pool surrounded by palm trees that read, "It's so hot here and I have no one to swim with :( I miss you”

It helped. That and working more meant that Tyler had less time to properly miss Josh.

But it just took his sleep now, either in nightmares or by not letting him sleep at all.

There had been another three shows since the first one, each half a week or so apart.

Tyler hadn’t been free to call after any of them, much to his sadness. He longed to hear about it from someone who had been part of it. When they did eventually talk after, Josh had already forgotten most of it; the post-show excitement had long faded away.

Tyler only had the band’s, the members’, and Josh’s posts to go off of, really. Little pre-show snippets here and there, photos of fans with signs, actually clips of performances.

Tyler noted more and more comments about Josh, more fans with signs asking for drumsticks. It made his mouth sour, and it made him feel like a shitty boyfriend. He’s becoming obsessive over it, paranoid.

He should be able to handle this. He knew this was what fame entailed.

He blames it on the distance.

Josh kept going out with his band after the parties, as Tyler suggested. A new bar or club each time, and then some days where they didn’t have a show.

The photos were mostly the same. Blurred photos of people Tyler didn’t know. Selfies with a fan here and there. A picture of a particularly pretty cocktail, some fun clothes, a fancy car here and there that they definitely did not own.

Tyler couldn’t help but wonder who was paying for it all, especially when his and Josh’s money was so tight.

They were calling today, their schedules lining up once again.

Josh picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, Ty! How's it going? Why's your camera off?”

Because Tyler looks like shit. Another thing about the pics, everyone in them was gorgeous. He didn’t want Josh to see where he had slipped to, didn't want to hear another ‘you look like shit’, as well-meaning as it had been. "I'm cooking right now and left my phone in the other room.”

That too.

He was in the shitty, yellow, and broken kitchen trying to scrape some food together for just one more day. The less he buys, the more he saves, and he gets paid in a few days.

He’ll get some more food then.

“Oh, alright. I was looking forward to seeing your face, though. I miss being able to look at you.” He sounds disappointed, which settles some of Tyler's worries. Josh still likes looking at him, still finds him pretty. Or what he remembers Tyler looking like. He can admit he’s not looking like himself.

“I know, me too. I’ll send you some selfies and stuff later when I hang out with Jenna, alright?”

Josh hums his agreement. Tyler would need to try to make himself presentable, then. “Are you two going out for dinner or something?”

“No. We don’t have enough money for that, remember? That’s actually a good segue. What’s going on with the venues and stuff? I'm getting scared about bills and rent…”

Tyler has been working hard, and it was already becoming obvious that it's going to be very, very close. He’s not sure how it got like that; they had planned meticulously to ensure it wouldn't be this bad.

He could make it work if he had to. He’d dip into the money he’s saving for a ring, and eat only ramen, too.

Already his ‘cooking’ was a grilled cheese with two slices of a bread loaf, the heels specifically. Not the best food choice, really.

Not like he has options.

He shuffles his feet, socks catching on the aging tile.

“Oh, the money. Right. Didn’t I tell you that our last two payments got a bit delayed?”

He only remembers him saying they were delayed, but he trusts that Josh clarified. He’s been so tired lately. Just gotta roll with the punches, he supposes.

“You did, but sadly, rent has not been delayed. Literally any extra you have from the first two needs to come here,” Tyler says, trying to show his urgency.

He flips the second piece of bread, putting two slices of cheese on it. It was burning slightly. Tyler was trying to preserve some of the remaining butter.

“I didn’t realize it was that pressing.” Tyler can't quite read the tone on that. Sarcasm? Annoyance? Genuine worry? “What happened to the reserve?”

Tyler sighs, turning off the stove as he puts the sad slices of bread together.

“My car broke down, remember? Then I couldn’t work for like three days,” he’s getting a bit pissed off. He told Josh all of this, and he asked for some money to cover the loss.

“Oh yeah. I didn’t realize how much that would drain- I’m sorry. I’ll go talk with Miller later to move my portion to me, okay? It’ll be over by the end of the week, tops.”

Miller was their agent, from what Tyler could tell. His shoulders release a bit. He wasn't sure how the splitting of money went, but he felt better knowing Josh was going to try and do something about it.

“Good. Good. That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you. So, what have you been up to recently?”

“We were just checking out Jack’s new motorcycle. It’s so fucking cool, dude, I’m thinking about trying to get one once we have enough.”

“Jack? The singer? How’d he get enough money for that?”

“Dunno. I think it's partly because he’s the frontman and his parents spotted him some cash.”

“Ah.” That didn’t feel right, but what would Tyler know? He never made it as far as Josh did.

“We are all gonna take turns getting a ride on it later. I'm so excited.”

“Just be careful, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt. Those things are dangerous, there's a reason people call them doner-cycles-“

“Chill, Ty,” he scoffs. “They aren’t that bad. Don’t be a downer. If you think like that, you’ll never survive out here. Loosen up like the rest of us, yeah?”

Tyler frowns but doesn’t say anything else. He lets Josh go into a story, then another, and another until he has to go to see Jenna.

He’d vent and complain to her as always, while she listened sympathetically. She’d seen their relationship from the start and knew how much this was eating at Tyler.

She’d seemed more and more… apathetic towards Josh recently, though, and Tyler isn’t sure why. Maybe it was because she hadn’t really heard all the kind things Josh had been trying to do while away, only the bad.

Maybe he’s imagining it like he's imagining the new distance between him and Josh. A distance that can't be measured in miles.

• — § — •

Christmas was right around the corner, and Tyler couldn’t be more excited. Just another two weeks. One, for a rest. He managed to get the week off to spend with Josh.

Second, and most importantly, Josh.

He simply could not wait.

Things had been going… well. Plenty of shows, more money. Enough to refill the reserve and keep rent going fairly stress-free. Tyler had even stopped working at Starbucks on the weekends because of it. It still wasn't a great amount, but better. Tyler wasn’t living in fear of not having enough cash to buy gas or that he would need to wait to buy bread.

Josh was… living in LA, Tyler supposes. He was tan and happy, always doing something picture-esque.

He’d been busy, too. Things were ramping up at the end of the band's little show sprint. It had been just a local thing, but they were going to expand a bit more in the new year.

All this meant was more shows, more practice, and now, planning for a future album. Finding ways to properly grab a label’s attention.

They figured it was only because they kept staying so local that they weren’t getting signed.

It meant they talked less. Phone calls were briefer, texts more spaced out. It felt as draining as working, really. Just emotionally. They talked properly maybe once a day, if they were lucky. Which was rare.

Josh had another show today, and Tyler was off. When this happened, he always called directly after the show, just as he said he would. It was the first FaceTime in a while, and an even longer time since a post-show call.

It was great to see the adrenaline, sweat, and joy radiating off of Josh as he came down from that high.

The call rang and rang and rang. It went to voicemail.

Tyler frowned, calling again. He never forgot to pick up, and Tyler still waited a bit before calling to ensure Josh had his phone on him.

Josh picked up on the fifth ring.

“Hi, Ty. What's up?” He sounded… well, actually, Tyler didn’t know. It certainly wasn’t happy or excited, though.

Josh looks… messy. More so than usual. Tyler couldn’t place why. His hair was frizzy, skin flushed and sweaty, eyes slightly bloodshot, and mouth red. His skin was still glittery, his hair even seemed to have some traces of temporary dye.

As always, just… more?

No. Tyler is just paranoid. So stressed from not seeing him, not hearing his voice, seeing his name pop up on his phone.

“Uh, hey, baby. Just calling to talk about the show? Remember?”

“Oh. Right, yeah.” Josh stared blankly into the camera for a second. His AirPods are visibly in, cutting harshly across his black gauges. He could be anywhere, and Tyler wouldn't know. Could be surrounded by anyone.

Why is he thinking like that?

“Sorry, I thought you couldn’t… uh. Make it today.”

“Well, surprise, I guess.” Tyler feels like he’s missing something, like he's intruding.

“Yeah, it really is. How have you been?”

“Good, good. You know, the usual. I wanna hear about the show. Anything fun or interesting happened?”

“Nah, not really. Same old, same old. Oh! But I think I’ve got some likes. Personal fans. And not just the ones that want drumsticks or whatever. Like, these chicks had cutouts of my face! It’s crazy.”

“Oh wow, that's awesome,” Tyler feigns excitement the best he can. It was good, in a way. It meant they were getting a real following, that Josh was considered part of the band.

It felt like shit, though. He didn’t want girls to have photos of Josh’s face; he can't imagine what that might do to either of them. The jealousy was already a thick and heavy animal in Tyler's stomach, and Josh loved feeling seen.

“Yeah, it certainly felt awesome. I'm starting to actually feel part of this, you know?”

Tyler wants to kick himself.

“So uh. Anything else new with you?” Josh asks, eyes starting to dart off to the side of the phone. “How's work going?”

“Oh! That reminds me! I got Christmas week off! We can hang out together that week, catch up, go on a date, and stuff… I'm so excited to see you.”

Tyler grins. He already has everything planned out. They’ll go ice-skating, get a nice dinner because it was definitely within their budget now, maybe go to a party…

“Oh shit, about that,” Tyler's heart fucking drops. “I can't make it back.”

“…what?”

“Yeah, we have like. Band shit is going on. Promo, some photo shoots. You know how it is.”

No. No, Tyler does not know how it is. They’d had this planned from the day Josh left- how could this be happening? It can’t be.

“I… I don’t understand. You aren’t coming home? That- that makes no sense.” Tyler's eyes have glazed over; he’s not even looking at the phone anymore.

This can't be happening. It just. Can’t.

“I can't make it back, Tyler. Not for Christmas, at least. I'm so sorry, I really wanted to see you.”

“Can you at least fly me out to see you then?” He scrambles; he needs anything. Anything. “I have the time off- it’d work- you had enough money for your own tickets and-”

“The money went to the photographers. Before you get mad at me, it wasn’t my call. Miller made the choice. Trust me, I fought him on it. I'm fucking pissed about it too.”

Tyler's breath hitches.

This just. Isn’t reality. It can't be.

He looks back at Josh.

Josh isn’t looking at the camera, but some point off to its left, eyes sad. He shakes his head slightly, as if disappointed in himself.

Tyler wouldn’t be able to see that face in person.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I’m so sorry. Really, I am. If I had it my way, I’d be over there today,” he swallows, looking back at Tyler. “I've got to go, okay?”

He doesn’t give Tyler time to respond before hanging up.

Tyler broke down into sobs as his phone went dark.

This visit is what he’d been fighting towards. That is what had held him together. And it’s gone. He can't see his boyfriend.

If he ever saw Miller, he was going to punch that asshole in the face.

But Tyler had to actually get there first.

Yes.

Yeah, he’d get himself out there. He’d stop adding to the ring savings and do plane savings instead. He could get there. Probably in January… but better than nothing.

Tyler had to go back to work.

• — § — •

Tyler was spending Christmas with Jenna. He’d gotten his hours back on every day except for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Even if Josh wasn’t here, he wanted a break.

Every part of him ached, physical and literal. He felt like a walking bruise. He knew he looked like one, too. His hair was a bit long, and he had dark circles galore. He might have even thinned down a bit from the inconsistent eating in the first few months.

Tyler needed a break. He needed his best friend.

It was freezing and snowy, and a thin, near imperceptible layer of the soft ice made the world shimmer as he knocked on Jenna's door.

A small, but comfy house. Perfectly her, in his opinion. It was covered in cool white Christmas lights, dripping like icicles. They sparkled in his periphery, visual noise he can't bring himself to admire. He focuses on the wreath instead, green with fake holly and plastic berries.

She opened it immediately and pulled him into the tightest hug he’d had since Josh left.

“Oh my god, Ty. I'm so sorry. Come in, come in. I made you some tea and soup- perfect mopeing food.”

Whatever makeshift dam he built broke. Quietly. Tears fell before he even realized what was happening, his breathing coming in ragged and fast.

“Oh, Tyler. C’mon. Inside. It’s too cold out here.”

He nods and follows her blindly into the house.

He stumbles over the hardwood floors, feeling guilty about the mud he’s surely tracking everywhere.

Jenna had her life together. As a nurse, she earned enough to support herself. But alone, she could only live in the rural parts of Columbus. Not that it bothered her.

They skip the food, heading straight to the couch, where Tyler collapses into her embrace.

She just rocks him softly, rubbing her hand up and down his back.

For a while, he just cries.

“I-I mi-miss h-im,” he hiccups.

“I know. I know you do.”

“I h-hate he lef’ m-me.”

“I do too.”

The sobs subside slowly. Tyler leans back, pressing his palms into his eyes. His head throbs horribly.

Jenna doesn’t say anything, letting him collect himself.

He forces deep breaths until they stop breaking halfway through.

Then, “I hate him.”

Jenna sighs. “No, you don’t… but...”

“But?” Tyler lets out a dry, humorless laugh.

“But, I think it’d be easier if you did. I'm starting to.” Jenna looks at him. Her blue eyes seem to know exactly what he needs to hear. “You are allowed to be angry at him.”

Tyler knows that. In theory. “It wasn’t his fault that Miller made him stay,” he mumbles, forcing his gaze to her ceiling.

He can't stand to look at all the beautiful Christmas decorations. All he can think of is his and Josh’s stuff all boxed up because Tyler couldn’t bring himself to do it alone.

“It’s his fault he didn’t make it work. Ty, he fucking parties every night. You know he’s paying for that stuff himself, right?”

Tyler nods again, and he feels his mouth quivering. He knew it, he just didn’t want to accept it. He needed to be careful, or he’d cry again

Josh was falling in love with his new life more than he loved Tyler.

“I love him, Jenna.”

She sighs. “I have advice you won’t want to hear, Tyler. I have thoughts that you will hate. I wont give them to you unless you ask, though.”

Tyler closes his eyes tightly.

“Well. My one gift didn’t come, so why not the gift of knowledge?” He was going to hate himself.

“My advice? Ultimatum. He flies your ass out there, or you dump him.”

“That's way too harsh- he’s busy. They are doing well, but plane tickets are expensive.”

Jenna scoffs. “Fine. Give him a date then. He gets you out there by that date, or you leave. And I don’t mean as a visit. Go live with him.” Tyler opens his mouth, but Jenna plows on. "It's fucking time. You and I both know that band’s not going anywhere without him.”

Tyler doesn’t respond.

Hesitantly, Jenna continues. “And… my thoughts. Tyler, based on what you told me about that call… he’s doing something he doesn’t want you to see.”

Tyler sits up straighter. “Jenna-”

"I'm not saying he’s cheating!”

“You don’t know about him- he could’ve been just tired.”

“He’s been blowing you off for ages!” Jenna snaps. “I may not know Josh as well as you, but I know what someone hiding something looks like. You are almost at a point where you’d be better off without him.”

That catches Tyler a bit off guard. All of it, Jenna raising her voice, what she's saying. He’s never seen her like this.

“What?”

“Ty. All he does is pay a bit of the rent. Not to mention, you were the one to support him until that first paycheck. He gets to go play in his stupid little band, party, and the fucking time of his life, while you slave away to give him an out. It’s destroying you.”

Tyler gapes, mouth parted on utter shock. Jenna is livid. She's practically shaking with fury. It's scary.

"I'm tired of watching you rot away for a man who can't even fly out to see you. For what, Tyler? For what?” She stands and begins pacing the small, cozy living room.

“You leave him and stop slowly bleeding out emotionally. You downsize, or better yet, move in with me. You stop working yourself to an early grave. Then you find someone who actually gives a shit.”

She whips to him. Tyler is frozen, speechless on the couch.

“Jenna… I can’t.” Jenna tries to say something, but Tyler raises a hand to silence her. “I love him too much for this to be it. It’s, it’s just a rough patch. We’ll have been together for five years in February, and he’s been perfect until now. I won’t let one action dictate everything.”

“So if you went out there and found he slept with someone else, even once, you are telling me you’d stay?”

Tyler looks at her blankly. “You think he’s cheating, then?”

She sighs. “He’s doing something. Cheating, drugs, fucking rolling his money and smoking it, I don’t know! But it’s something.”

Tyler shakes his head. “I trust him.”

“Ty, I think you trust the man who left. Josh is not that man anymore.”

Tyler doesn’t reply to that, choosing to ignore the comment altogether. mostly because it hits closer than he wants to believe. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”

Jenna stares at him a moment, clearly wanting to push, but she doesn’t. Instead, she sighs and says, “Fine. Let’s go eat. I made some good comfort food. And you will be drinking all the tea I made. You are going to be so dehydrated otherwise.”

Tyler can smile at that, a classic Jenna comment. He gets to his feet and follows her to the kitchen. This is what he needed, something simple and caring.

What Josh was supposed to be doing; not hiding in LA.

• — § — •

The next morning, Tyler wakes to Jenna making him open the gift she got him: a nice, thick maroon sweater.

“Aw- Jen, I can't take this. I didn't get you anything, I’d feel so bad...”

“And we both know why you couldn’t get me anything. And do not even try to give it back. I’ll kill you. I'm dead serious.”

Annnd they were back at it. Thankfully, Jenna drops it once Tyler pulls it on, and it is super nice.

They ate breakfast together, had hot chocolate, and sugar cookies that Jenna had made from scratch.

They then curled up on the couch and clicked on A Christmas Story. While it played, Tyler opened Instagram.

Josh had posted a story.

He smiles, clicking on it.

A band Christmas photo. He smiles wider and clicks again to see what else.

It flips to the next story, his brother’s.

Tyler frowns. There was no way Josh hadn’t gone out last night… or at least done something post-worthy. It was LA for Christ’s sake.

Something pools in his gut. Heavy, sour.

“Jen?” He says quietly. Almost disbelieving. Certainly not, he must be wrong. Overthinking. Letting his doubts get to him. Surely not.

“Yeah, Ty?”

“Would you. Uh, go check Josh’s Instagram stories for me?”

She turns to him from under her blanket pile, brow pulled. “Uhhh, sure? Why can't you?”

Tyler closes his eyes. "I think he removed me from his private stories.”

Jenna goes quiet. Only the chatter of the movie fills the small room.

Wordlessly, she gets her phone and opens Instagram.

Please no. Please let me be wrong.

She flips her phone to him.

A series of photos that were definitely not available to Tyler. A bar. A girl Tyler has never seen, hanging on Josh’s arm in a way that makes him sick. A shitty video of people cheering as two unidentifiable people pass shots to each other.

A third-person view of Josh in a bush, a woman’s hand, nails long and pained in holographic polish, trying to pull him out. The caption is a punch to the face, fun font, and bright blue; all it says is “Crazy Christmas”.

Jenna puts her phone down. "I'm so sorry.”

“It- it means nothing. It could’ve been a mistake.”

Jenna looks at him sympathetically. “He happened to remove you the day he started posting photos like this? Ty, he’s doing something.”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” he begs, more to himself than her. It cant be something, he doesnt know what he’d do if it meant anything at all.

She stares at him, her disbelief evident. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this… Tyler. I'm flying us up there to go check on his ass. Best case, you are right. It's nothing. Then you get a nice little visit with your loving party monster boyfriend.”

The worst case is left unsaid.

“Jenna, no- that's far too much. I… I can figure it out. I'll get some money, pick up an extra shift, or… or. I could use the ring money.”

“The what?”

Tyler bites back tears. “I was gonna propose.” They find their way out anyway.

• — § — •

Tyler calls out sick the next three days, citing a family emergency. He’d figure something out later, a great uncle's death who helped raise him, or something.

Tyler nearly throws up three times on the plane just from sheer anxiety, and he is so happy Jenna insisted on joining him. He would've chickened out or lost his mind in front of a bunch of strangers, ultimately being removed from the plane. He got close even with her there.

They land late Friday.

Jenna insists they find him tonight, when Tyler just wants to melt into a bed and never have to face this.

“The longer you are here, the more likely he is to find out.”

"It's a big city, Jen. He won’t find out.”

“All the more reason to try tonight, too. You got three days. If we are wrong, don’t you want to spend them with him?”

He did.

He, still a bit reluctantly, agreed.

It took Jenna hyperanalyzing Josh’s stories and Tyler cross-referencing his last known location and sign photos for them to find the club.

Looking at the name and location, it was not promising. On a street full of bars, strip clubs, and other party-like establishments, Tyler can feel his hope start to dwindle.

Jenna reaches out, taking his hand and squeezing it.

“C’mon. I hope, for your sake, not his, that we are dead wrong.” She was always on his side.

Tyler nods numbly.

They get in line and somehow manage to get it.

Tyler suspects it’s because Jenna pulled out all the stops in the airport bathroom to look ready for the club. Heavy makeup, crop top, cropped way too short to be considered a shirt anymore, stockings, and a stupidly small skirt.

He didn’t even know where she got that stuff. It made her look barely over twenty, in a scary way. He hasn’t really thought to ask or to dress in clubbing attire.

The bouncer did look at Jenna like she was insane for coming with Tyler of all people, so. There's that. But he let them in with a grumble.

The moment they get in, chaos surrounds them. Noise, lights, people, smells, and a whole other myriad of senses.

Jenna, thank god, grabs his hand and starts dragging him through the building. He would’ve been lost or frozen for sure, had she not.

Music pounds in his head, the bass shaking his thoughts loose. He can't even tell what song it is.

People are bumping into him everywhere, sweaty skin and unfamiliar fabric dragging up his skin until he just wants to peel it off.

How can Josh stand this? He was always so quiet.

They end up popping out by the bar. It’s clearer there, but no less noisy. They try to regroup, each looking around as best they can.

“I don’t see him,” Jenna screams over the music.

“Me neither,” Tyler replies. Maybe he went back. Maybe they can leave.

Jenna has no such plans, dragging him back into the crowd, beelining for another room. Because, of course, there are multiple rooms they’d have to check. It's significantly less crowded as they get deeper, until they reach the farthest back room.

The lights sparkle and flash, blinding, shocking, contouring reality into a fever-dream-like haze. How easy it could be to get swept up and disappear, to become someone else. Heavy scents of cotton candy and liquor scent the air until it tastes like shots and sugar and youth.

They keep moving, across dancefloors, tile and wood, over empty cups and broken glass. Through bodies packed in too tight, sweaty hands accidentally grabbing what they shouldn't, feet catching on everything and everyone.

Another bar.

Another room.

More people.

Finally, they reach what seems to be the back part. A darker room, less loud. But bright enough for Tyler and Jenna to spot Josh.

They both freeze.

Tyler's brain whites out, narrowing down the sight in front of him.

He stands, surrounded by his bandmates and girls, face pink and eyes wide. He’s barely in clothes, and his neck and chest are speckled with bruises.

Hickeys.

In fact, the likely culprit is still with him. The girl from the photos, with curly auburn hair, big earrings, and flashy clothes, hangs around his neck, laughing and kissing up the side of his neck.

Tyler can't breathe. His heart beat in time with the press of her mouth.

Where his neck meets his shoulder.

Thump.

Along his jugular.

Thump.

His Adam’s apple.

Thump.

The hinge of his jaw.

Thump.

He thinks he’s died when their mouths met.

The world roars to life around Tyler, but not with him.

No, he’s gone. Separated from this plane, forced to witness this with no control over his body.

It all feels unreal, the way his skin buzzes, how his eyes can't focus. He swears he can taste the alcohol in the air, hear Josh’s laughter as his head tips back at whatever the girl said.

“Oh hell no,” Jenna says, and the distance collapses all at once.

Pain so sharp hits him straight through the chest, as if he were getting shot. He can't breathe.

He can't fucking breathe.

Jenna marches forward, and if Tyler were able to think, he’d be scared of whatever hell she was going to unleash.

He glances down at himself, to the woman. Her perfect hair and skin, soft curves. Her femininity. How was he supposed to fight this?

No.

Why had he been expected to? How could he fight a woman who existed in person, beside him, hundreds of miles away?

His feet follow after Jenna without his input. Like watching an oncoming train crash, he can’t leave.

Josh doesn’t see her coming.

She throws the woman off him, who somehow doesn’t break her ankles while catching herself on such thin heels.

“You bastard!” She backhands him so hard he nearly falls.

All conversation instantly dies.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking serious? I should kill you-“

Josh stares blankly at Jenna, eyes wide and confused, like he can't make sense of what he's seeing, even as Jenna backs him into a table.

“Josh? Babe, who's this?” The other woman says.

Babe.

Babe, she called him babe.

Heat boils under Tyler's skin, and the world comes into crystal sharpness, sharp enough to slice and bleed.

“Is this your girlfriend? You said you were single.” She sounds pissed, too.

Josh blinks, looking between the two women with parted lips and scared eyes.

His band members watch him, watch the spectacle with hungry gazes.

"I'm not his girlfriend,” Jenna snaps. “That, however, is his boyfriend of five fucking years. ‘Forgot’ you were taken, huh, Joshua?”

Jenna steps aside, gesturing at Tyler. All eyes turn to Tyler, including the man he loves.

The man who does not love him, apparently.

His eyes fix on Tyler, but they are unseeing. Too dark, too wide. Too disbelieving and empty.

“Tyler?”

He steps forward, skin burning, thoughtless.

“Tyler, baby, wha’re you doin’ here?” Josh’s words are slurred as Tyler approaches. He looks in shock, pale, terrified. His world seems to be crumbling around him. Tyler prays the dust chokes him, smothers whatever will be left of him.

Tyler's fist connects with Josh’s nose before he knows what's happening. Josh stumbles back, falling into the table behind him.

Tyler swings again, hitting his cheekbone this time. An eye. Again and again, whatever part of his body he can reach.

He can't feel the pain radiating in his knuckles. Can't feel the stickiness of blood from Josh’s broken nose and torn piercings. Can't hear everyone screaming.

It takes two guys to pull him off the man.

“I hate you! I fucking hate you!” He screams, "I loved you, you asshole! I waited for you! I was gonna propose!”

He can't stop. Words and anger pour from him in every way. He wants to kill him.

He wants Josh fucking dead.

He lies there, on the ground, bloody and confused, eyes searching the group around him.

“Ty’er p-please-” he says, words ruined and nasally as he holds his bloody nose. They are nearly unintelligible as he pleads and mumbles. ‘I- I lov’ you- don’t-”

The woman he was with decides to make another appearance. Everyone was too busy trying to keep Tyler and Jenna off Josh; they completely forgot about her.

She storms over and delivers a swift kick to his ribs.

“You fuckin’ dick. You played us all, you bastard,” she snarls and turns to them. “Let them go.”

Josh’s buddies look between the three of them and Josh, who has curled into a sobbing ball.

They release them.

“Ty, we gotta go before the cops or security get here,” Jenna says, cutting through the blood still roaring in his ears.

He nods, already falling back into a numbed, distant place. The two women drag him out a side door, into a car. He can hear Jenna and the woman talking. He can hear them, but he doesn’t care enough to try to listen. Just little snip-it's making it through.

“…my name’s Debby… a month or so… jus has some fun with him… said he was single, I don’t know…”

Tyler makes the cabbie pull over so he can throw up. After that, all he does is shake and shake and shake as silent tears fall down his face. He doesn’t even know what to do.

Five years.

Five years down the drain.

He was going to marry him.

He was going to marry him, and now Tyler was left with nothing but bruised knuckles and a broken heart.

All for a man who died the moment Tyler pushed him onto that stupid plane.