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There's something wrong with me, it’s been so so very long since that day. The day I vanished from the world, the day I saw nothing and slept for years on end. The day I thought I died.
You know the funny thing about death is, the world keeps spinning. Stuff happens after you die, just like how stuff happens before you’re born, or even before your parents were born. It’s scary to think about yes, but it’s also somewhat comforting. Knowing that the world isn’t about you, it’s about everything and anything. The endless possibilities and the continuous chances to be who you are and what you want to be.
But…
I don’t think everyone thinks that way about life. But that's okay! We’re all different, it would be weird if that wasn’t true.
But about that day., the day I think I died. It didn’t last that long, or at least it didn’t feel like it did. It felt like I took a long nap, only to wake up in a hospital room surrounded by my friends and family and to be told I was gone for….18 years…
I shutter whenever I remember that. I was 16 when it happened but somehow I’m still 16? I mean it makes sense, I age slower than other kids. But it still felt so wrong to see my bestest friend be older than me when I originally was the oldest. It wouldn’t have mattered if the whole thing didn’t happen to me 18 years ago. I’d still be 16 at this time. Apollomainans age weird, I’ve learned to deal with that.
I’m usually loud and jump off the walls but there's moments where I’ll just sit there and listen, listen to my dad and papa talking about whatever, listen to the birds chirping, or even listen to the sound of nothing. It always feels like something is missing you know? I mean not fully because it's still there, it’s just a different type of mechanical sound.
Do I even have a purpose anymore? Do I even matter to these people? I mean I was gone for so long and now everything is so different and weird. I missed major events, birthdays, holidays, or just quality time with the people I love so dearly. Can I even get that time back? Do they even want to have that time with me? They’re all so busy with their lives, I’m just going to get in the way if I try. What's the point?
Dad keeps ranting on how people keep getting on his nerves and keep breaking the law. Papa’s too old school to understand some of the newer problems with our world or even talk to me. He keeps treating me like a kid, they both do. I mean I get it, I am one, but I’d like to have some form of responsibility.
But It makes sense why they don’t give me any, I couldn’t handle it last time. I got myself fired over something I could’ve avoided. I’m a stupid kid, nothing but a stupid kid with no friends my age.
I know Luke thinks I’m too childish or perhaps even pathetic, it’s probably even the same with Dued1, at least he's nice and hides it well. Clockwork, he’s my brother. Do brothers even count as friends?
Wait.
Of course they do. What am I even typing??
Did I forget about him? We were so very close when I was little. But of course, he left too. I know it wasn’t on his own accord and that he isn’t the bestest person for me, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss him. All he wanted to do was help me, but all he did was hurt me. I don’t blame him, it was my fault. It’s always my fault.
I just want to be a good kid.
I want my dads to be proud.
I wanna be proud of myself.
But no. I just keep screwing up. I NEED to be better, I NEED TOO!
I wanna be able to bring justice to those who deserve it, just like Dad! I wanna be smart with my words just like Papa!
I hate being sad and having to act like I’m okay! Not even my favorite food keeps me happy for long and I can’t think of any new riddles to come up with!
I’m tired. I should go to bed, I just really hope no one sees this.