Archive of Our Own

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Colorblind -  Mokita

Soobin has been having the time of his life for the past six months. With Yeonjun. With the tour. With the rest of the group. It’s been so much, but it’s been so good.

Because Soobin was feeling better. He was doing better.

Soobin has always been the type to constantly chase. An emotion, a memory, a spark.

He’s always tried his best to look for that certain something, and he ended up with nothing on his plate, mind numbed by the end of the day, and the only feeling left inside of him was a buzzing, constant numbness that ate him alive.

At times, he would get jealous at those around him, a very complex emotion of envy combined with admiration keeping him awake at night. 

He used to be jealous of Beomgyu’s constant rambling on how he loves being on the stage and how much it gives him the energy to keep trying. He used to be jealous of Yeonjun’s drive, the way the man could literally go and train for days with no sleep or rest just because he genuinely loves to perform. He used to be annoyed by Taehyun’s harsh feedback, and his constant need to improve and have them be better and better with each new performance. He used to be irritated by the carefree-ness in Huening Kai’s eyes whenever something difficult came their way. 

He used to be so frustrated because Soobin had none of that. He was the first to take a step back. It required him time to understand them, patience, and a lot of overthinking. 

He couldn’t find the reason to keep going, yet he did it anyway; he tried to cope. Don’t get him wrong, Soobin loves being a singer, he loves being part of Tomorrow x Together, he loves to dance, and he loves to be on the stage, he loves his group members, and he absolutely loves being a leader, but sometimes, that was the only thing that kept him there. The team needed him, so Soobin stayed for a long time and fought harder for them.

It was never for himself.

It did go downhill a couple of times.

Mostly, he ended up alone in his hotel room at night, after pretending to be fine, crying himself to sleep, because he simply felt different. It was so painful, but he had to move forward.

Though he was lucky enough to have a brilliant way to keep himself distracted with several hobbies.

He absolutely loved escapism, and his escape has always been in different forms of media; from video games, to books, manga, movies, series, anime, and so on.

It was his place he was allowed to escape to, it was a space where he was allowed to be himself and didn’t have to pretend or even try to be someone he is not. He was so tired of fake smiles, fake interactions, fake bows and rigid happiness that he didn’t quite feel in his heart.

While he was trying really hard to hide it, the members and the company did notice some of this. They noticed to the point that there was a constant worry tensing the room at times, and it felt like everyone was walking on eggshells around Soobin, just to make sure he wasn’t going to break, which completely defeated his ultimate purpose, to be there for the others, to be the leader TXT deserved.

It was a never-ending, frustrating saga, and by the end of 2024, he broke. Into tears, into silence, turning into a person he himself didn’t recognise.

That’s when the shift came in. The company was genuinely worried they would lose Soobin, and frankly, Soobin thought so too. They needed to make some changes, and they needed to make sure their mental health was going to get better instead of worse, especially with the quickly approaching contract renewal.

So things had changed quite a bit. After prolonged conversations and marketing meetings, especially with team therapists and managers, they decided to let some of the tight strings around them loose, which meant the members were going to have a better chance to express themselves and who they really are through music, but through content as well.

They promised that less controlled behaviour on camera was alright; they promised they would leave them to be more unfiltered and more honest; they could choose the shows they appeared on; and they would be able to work on solo projects too if they wished to.

And while Soobin didn’t really believe it at first, it did happen, and gradually, he started feeling more like himself in front of the cameras. He’s never thought of himself as being the type of person to be loud and social, but maybe it was just the restrictions holding him back. He felt stupid at times, but it felt so refreshing to just say whatever came to the top of his mind. He even got his own show, and god, it was so fun to be able to do something different and simply fun. Obviously, editors still curated content carefully, but there was less restraint, less media control. 

Soobin felt more like Soobin, something he’s never felt before.

And they also worked on their living arrangements to give them more space. Sharing rooms wasn’t quite working anymore for five grown men, so the company got them two different apartments in the same building, which offered them personal rooms and much more space.

Soobin and Beomgyu decided to move together since Beomgyu has always been Soobin’s best friend, and they genuinely thought it was going to work well, while the others were going to be just as happy, their apartment just across the hallway.

And the quiet was good and well deserved. Living in a cleaner space also gave Soobin peace of mind, and the tension between them all started to dissipate.

And that’s when Soobin started organising his life a little bit, his thoughts, his hobbies, his time. It’s all been getting easier. Well, of course, there were times when things went downhill, when Soobin still felt lost and especially with busy schedules, some things still felt overwhelming, but being able to do whatever he wanted (like a five-hour-long live, for example, streaming whatever the hell he wanted) did compensate for it.

And then, Yeonjun came into the picture.

Oh, Yeonjun.

Impressively unexpected, because Soobin had never seen it coming, well, not before their first more intimate situation.

They’ve always been close, way too close, which really did spiral back into the way Soobin has seen Yeonjun throughout the years. He’s been so close to him, but not in the way he’s been with Beomgyu. Not in a best friend, super supportive, annoyingly loud but beautiful bond way, but rather, in a quiet, tension-filled way.

Yeonjun has always known how to rile him up, and even if their dynamic has changed through the years, there’s always been a layer of the unspoken between them. They shared longer stares than necessary; they would take care of each other in a way they didn’t with the other members. 

It was careful, tentative, always a breath away from a kiss that never happened. Within reach, but there is that millimeter of distance that feels like an ocean between them.

And that’s how it felt, the distance, the push and pull, like an ocean, its energy frivolous at times, terribly terrifying to dive into, windy and of an intense blue that hid beneath an undiscovered infinity of things that could go wrong.

But the ocean always looks pretty on the surface. Sometimes, when the sun goes down, it reflects on its quiet waters in the prettiest colors nature has come up with. There is so much life hidden beneath, such a complex infrastructure of living things, a system absolutely needed for the earth to keep existing.

Nature’s essence, in fact.

That’s just how much it felt like they needed each other.

But damn, the flirting, the looks Yeonjun would give him at times, (mostly all the time), were driving Soobin insane. It didn’t take him too long to fall for it. Yeonjun would be touchy, and he would be so playful about it, always blurring the lines between a joke and something more.

For Soobin, it was painfully devastating. As good as it felt to have most of Yeonjun’s attention on him, it hurt just as much, because there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing but keep it in, hide it away, lock it in a room of his soul and throw the key somewhere he’d never find it again, just to make sure those feelings would never surface and ruin the entire dynamic of the group.

And it worked, because Soobin never gave Yeonjun more than he asked for. He was the push to Yeonjun’s pull, and tried to maintain the balance in a playful way, just as much as he tried to keep being an emotional pillar for him in return when he could.

Because Yeonjun was his only hyung, Soobin has always had to tell him a bit more, to ask for his advice. He’s always been vulnerable with him; he had to open up, and well, Yeonjun listened, which didn’t help his case; it just made him simply love him more. Secretly.

But with all the emotional burnout he has been facing in the past year, it started to crumble, and only thinking of Yeonjun would just give Soobin an extra reason to feel anxious, sad, depressed even, because why couldn’t he fall for literally anyone else?

And oh, their fights. They were the most painful, or at least for Soobin it felt that way. They were both stubborn, and going for days without talking was a recurring thing, the last time it happened being right after they’d been intimate for the first time. It was really dreadful for Soobin, not something he expected to happen, and well, who would blame him given the context.

Yeonjun was like a storm, it seemed. He loved going in and out of people’s lives exactly like one, leaving devastating chaos behind. Soobin had always been happy to witness it, to feel the wild energy swirling around him, but it scared him too. Overthinking was his speciality, and despite not liking the neediness hidden beneath his own strong front, he couldn’t help needing reassurance, craving it even as it terrified him. He needed that reassurance from Yeonjun, that he would not leave him like he did with the others. He couldn’t be like the others.

But Yeonjun had really gone out of his way to do it for Soobin for the past few months. He reached out to Soobin first to break the silence between them, he confessed first, and he kept on doing it for Soobin, over and over again, surprising Soobin with every new gesture he made for him. Despite the crazy schedules. Despite the working hours and despite the chaos in their lives, Yeonjun managed to be there for him.

And recently, Soobin’s brain has started to spiral a little bit. They’d decided they are going slow, they are being playful with each other, they spend a lot more time together, they secretly run away from the world to indulge in each other’s presence, nothing too serious, nothing too much, just enough to let off some steam, cuddle, or just enjoy each other’s company.

But the conversation never came up again.

Whatever is going on between them has, well, funnily enough, no labels, and Soobin has started to want one. Or at least, to be out in the open, not within the company or the world, god forbid, but at least in front of the members.

He doesn’t necessarily want to be Yeonjun’s boyfriend just yet, not if they are not completely ready for the title, which is also okay, as Yeonjun has said, they could take their time. It was an exclusive arrangement anyway, but what bothered Soobin was having to lie.

He hated lying to the other members; he hated lying to Beomgyu, who was with him at all times; he hated it so much, because how could he keep on holding the group together if he couldn’t simply tell the truth?

At times, Beomgyu would ask who he was texting, who had put that smile on his face. Taehyung would shoot them questioning looks whenever their eyes met. And Huening Kai, he would look genuinely sad, completely unable to grasp what was happening whenever Soobin and Yeonjun shared an inside joke, feeling left out in a way that tugged at Soobin.

Obviously, there was a lighter side to it too. Soobin would be a hypocrite to say he didn’t enjoy the hiding. The adrenaline he felt whenever they would sneak out backstage, press themselves against a quiet corner, stealing hurried, heated kisses before running back on stage. The way his heart hammered, the risk making it all the more exciting. The intense, rushed bathroom breaks during practice, when Yeonjun would go down on him just because he needed to release, and Soobin could never say no, couldn’t even think to. Every stolen second was fire, reckless, leaving him desperate for more.

Or when they would end up in one of their rooms at night, it would sometimes casually turn into something else. As they slowly got more used to getting intimate, sometimes they chased release, other times it was quiet, faint touches, slow, soft, almost like it didn’t happen.

And they barely talked about it now. It was more like a friends-with-benefits arrangement, but a bit more reassuring than the words themselves implied, because they’d confessed to each other, and the love was always lingering.

Stolen glances. Knowing looks. Quick getaways.

But going for more than that felt scary. Soobin had never had an actual relationship. Hell, he’d never even had real sex. He was inexperienced, and he didn’t know if he could be the person Yeonjun needed him to be.

Yeonjun was a lot of things, but often he was like a tornado, and their lives were so chaotic. Soobin didn’t want to chase more than he could actually grasp. What if they did try a relationship and the stakes got higher? What if Soobin’s expectations clashed with Yeonjun’s schedule, his energy, his availability?

Is this all in Soobin’s head? Well, yes. Does it make sense, though? Also yes, because he’s been trying to get better. He has gotten better, but he doesn’t want to fall into a negative space once again by waiting for something that might not happen the way he expects.

So he decides to push these worries away and let time tell. At least he and Yeonjun are going somewhere, and the more they explore, the closer they get to the answer they need.

And maybe, one day he’ll be brave enough to ask Yeonjun for his own opinion on it. Until that happens, he just lets things be.

In the meantime, Soobin has a new thing bothering him, and that’s finding a way to tell the others, without ruining his bond with Yeonjun in the process.

The only thing left for him to do is, well, find the perfect moment to tell Yeonjun about it and come up with a plan.

Easier said than done.

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Getting the chance to talk to Yeonjun, just the two of them, without raising suspicion, is, quite frankly, difficult. Soobin doesn’t want to talk about it through DMs, so he needs to find a way to get Yeonjun alone.

But they’ve been on tour, and while Soobin has been trying to bring up the subject for weeks, it simply hasn’t worked out.

He didn’t want to worry Yeonjun either, and he didn’t want to make too much of a deal of it, because they had so much on their plates, and they were also busy with solo schedules–the cherry on top, literally.

If only Soobin could get just one day with Yeonjun.

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Futile Devices - Sufjan Stevens

The tour is over, and they are back at home in Seoul, finally, with the promise of a couple of free days off ahead.

Since the two had been used to planning ahead every little second they got alone, they, or better said, Yeonjun and his brilliant mind, came up with a plan to have a night together: just the two of them, some nice take-away food, and a cringe rom-com they would have to fight over for at least thirty minutes before deciding. He was grinning like a fool just thinking about it.

The plan was simple. Beomgyu was supposed to visit his family for the night, leaving Soobin alone in his apartment. But while the other three were at home, Soobin and Yeonjun knew there was no way they could just be alone in Soobin’s apartment without Kai and Taehyun asking questions, or even tagging along. So Yeonjun told everyone he would also visit his family, and he actually packed his bag with clothes and got ready properly, putting on an entire show so their friends would truly believe he was leaving.

As crazy as it sounded, Soobin enjoyed the show. He was sitting at their kitchen island, between the kitchen and living room, on a stool, watching amusedly as Yeonjun got ready. Yeonjun warned Taehyun not to go into his room unless he wanted a monster to crawl out of his bed and bite his leg. Taehyun agreed, Yeonjun’s room was in a devastating state (literally), and no one, not even Soobin, wanted to go in there.

Yeonjun put on some nice, casual clothes, a beanie on his head, filled his travel bag, and bid them goodbye, announcing his return just around the time before Beomgyu was supposed to arrive, the next day.

Soobin’s heart buzzed with a bit of excitement, just because Yeonjun had gone all the way to put on this show for just the two of them to be alone, just because Yeonjun looked endearingly cute with the new blush from Benefit on his cheeks, and just because, well, he could.

After Yeonjun was out the door, Soobin spent around fifteen more minutes with the other two, who obviously suspected nothing, before announcing he had a book to read and was heading off for some quality time with himself.

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The thing about Yeonjun is, he doesn’t do anything halfway, and Soobin gets completely awestruck by some of the stuff he does at times.

When he walks into his apartment, he’s momentarily stunned by the sight before him. A folding korean table is spread out on the fluffy living room carpet, a cute tablecloth draping all the way to the floor, patterned with little bunnies, playful and charming, almost like it belongs at a birthday party rather than tonight’s mysterious setup. On top of it, takeout plates are neatly arranged, and little seating cushions are scattered around the floor. A few bean bags sit nearby, ready for later TV lounging.

Even with the sofa right behind the setup, Soobin can tell Yeonjun has tried to create a cozy little nest just for the two of them, and a giddy flutter jumps into his chest, making him catch his breath at the sight.

Plushies are scattered across the floor too, soft little companions adding to the warmth, and Soobin can’t help but wonder where all of this thoughtfulness is coming from.

Baffled, he steps into the living room as Yeonjun carefully places wooden chopsticks on top of scattered tissues, a small, meticulous gesture. Yeonjun looks up and smiles at him, and Soobin feels that familiar pang of affection tighten in his chest.

“Surprise!” Yeonjun says in a cute voice, eyes scrunched and a smile as wide as it can be, cheeks full and rosy. Soobin melts a little bit.

“What is all this for?” he asks.

Yeonjun takes a leap forward, landing right in front of him, full of energy, wrapping his arms around his neck, staring into his eyes, searching for a reaction from Soobin.

“Just a reward for being the best leader in a k-pop group, like, ever. And because I’m super nice, we’re finally watching that Jujutsu Kaisen movie you’ve been yapping about, to see that gay moment between Gojo and Geto you’ve been rambling about for so long.”

“Huh,” he lets out, a bit stupidly.

“Oh?” Yeonjun’s smile turns into a pout. “You don’t like it?”

Soobin takes in the view, looking past Yeonjun’s shoulder, then back at him, brushing a little rebellious strand of hair out of Yeonjun’s eyes. “I love it, Jjunie. I just… I don’t understand.”

“Stop overthinking everything, just–” Yeonjun averts his eyes, contemplating his next words, but then his gaze drops to Soobin’s lips, and the room goes quiet. “Just let me do something nice for you.”

He leans in, lips softly grazing against Soobin’s. They melt into it. It’s brief, but sweet, like honey, and Soobin swallows its softness.

“Hyung, I’m–” devastatingly in love with you. He doesn’t say it. He avoids saying it too much. It doesn’t feel right. He doesn’t want to overdo it. He doesn’t want this, whatever it is, to ever stop. This tentative feeling of… something more about to happen. And at some point, it will turn into something even better.

“I have the best hyung in the world,” he says, voice warm.

Yeonjun bumps his nose against his. “Of course you do.” Then he drags him to the nest he’s just set up for them.

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Lauv - Lonely Eyes

They watch the movie and, inevitably, end up bickering.

Yeonjun is a very objective movie enjoyer, he loves the facts, analyzing the plot, picking up on what the creator tried to convey, while Soobin insists on the innuendos, the subtle hints hidden in the story. Half of the food is long forgotten when the conversation heats up, sparked by Geto Suguru’s death and Gojo’s last words, until Yeonjun even has to pause the movie so they can focus on their ongoing argument.

Yeonjun insists that Gojo’s last words are intentionally ambiguous, meant to leave room for reinterpretation of their friendship and its impact, while Soobin is convinced there’s something more, a nuanced, unspoken love confession. They go to the extreme of recreating the last conversation, overanalyzing the scene, replaying it word for word, until they end up crawled on top of each other, fighting over the remote, Yeonjun wanting to skip the scene, Soobin refusing to give up, determined to convince him he’s right. He doesn’t play about his doomed yaoi!

For a brief second, the air stops around them when they realize the position they’re in. Soobin’s heart starts beating unnaturally fast as Yeonjun corners him against the sofa, clearly against his own wishes, and a strange, unfair sense of betrayal surges through him, because the pouting, frowning, ridiculously cute loser in front of him is dangerously close, too close, and Soobin cannot let him win that easily.

Unfair! Outrageous. He wants to fight back, but the blood rushes to his cheeks, and–No! He cannot lose this argument just because Yeonjun is, well… fucking pretty.

Soobin gently pushes him off, and Yeonjun, suddenly flustered, lets go of control, allowing Soobin to regain it. He pushes his nerdy glasses up on his nose, clearing his throat to fake composure.

“So, what I was saying is…”

“You are delusional,” Yeonjun mumbles, then sticks his tongue out, blowing a raspberry at him. Soobin feigns offense, but the corners of his mouth twitch anyway.

“Hyung! You really can’t accept being wrong, huh?”

“Because I’m not!”

“Beomgyu agrees with me.” Soobin offers a huff instead, triumphant even.

Yeonjun doesn’t have it. “You are both delusional as hell.”

“You are not being reasonable! Think of it like–” Soobin contemplates saying it, words sticking to the top of his tongue. “Like us, they have that push and pull aura, no one really knows what it is, but they think there must be something more.”

He glances sideways, lowering his voice slightly. “Sometimes, I catch them staring at us… or asking questions… little things.”

Yeonjun turns to him there, eyes wide, breaking out of the bubble for a second. “Wait, time-out, do you believe the members suspect something?”

Soobin sighs. Does he really want to go there? Maybe.

Maybe that’s why he said it to begin with. “I don’t know,” he finally says, looking into the ground. “But maybe… sometimes I wish they did. Come out, just to them, because it’s just… no one knows. But I know, and there’s a little feeling that keeps on bothering me, because I feel like the world–or at least someone in the world–should know, and that would give me reassurance. It’s like… in JK, I don’t care if the plot doesn’t say it’s canon a hundred percent; as long as I know it happened, and the author knows, I’m happy with that. If that makes any sense.” He rambles his entire response out, hoping it makes at least a bit of sense.

Yeonjun watches him, a bit shocked.

“Binnie, I didn’t know you felt like that.”

Soobin runs a hand through his hair, as nonchalant as possible, glasses sliding off his nose a little. “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t want to scare you either.”

“Oh, fucking hell.” Yeonjun gets back into his space, this time moving into his lap in a swift, natural motion, bodies fitting against each other so naturally after being in this position so many times already.

“Hey, Binnie,” Yeonjun says, lifting his chin to look into his eyes. “I thought you liked hiding from them. I mean, the adrenaline and all that.”

“I like it,” Soobin says, “but I also hate lying to them.”

Yeonjun nibbles on his lower lip, eyes anxiously wandering around. “I’m fucking scared of telling them.”

“Me too, hyung.”

“I don’t know how to do it, what to tell them without putting extra pressure on us. I genuinely don’t want all of this to be at blame if something goes wrong with the group, with our energy. I don’t want anyone to blame it on the relationship. If I have a bad day, I don’t want people to assume it’s because we had a fight. Or that I can’t concentrate because I’m thinking of you.”

“Hyung.” Soobin looks at him, eyes hooded as he says it. “I sometimes can’t concentrate because I’m thinking of you. Because you are driving me insane.” He lets out a breathy sigh. Soobin has possibly lost the plot a little, distracted by the little glint in Yeonjun’s eyes.

Yeonjun rubs their noses together, letting the moment settle between them for a moment before lounging into an actual kiss. He buries his fists into Soobin’s shirt, breath ghosting over his lips.

“Let me think about it, Binnie,” he says, lips brushing against Soobin’s. “And I cannot think about it when your dick is getting hard under my ass.” He rolls his lips once and then latches onto Soobin’s lips, slipping his tongue into his mouth with ease and recognition, and Soobin lets out a little surprised “ahh.”

Fuck, when did he get hard again? He was just arguing with Yeonjun a second ago. 

Stupid dick!

He responds to the kiss hungrily, pulling Yeonjun closer and slipping his fingers under his shirt, mapping the lines of his abs, fingers digging into his skin. The room quickly fills with nothing but the lewd sounds of their messy kisses and the friction of their bodies moving against each other. Yeonjun grinds against his hard dick, and Soobin meets his movements halfway, eager to feel more and more of him.

They are so lost in the kiss, in the moment, that when it happens, they barely hear it.

The sound of a key turning in the lock abruptly makes them both freeze, eyes wide, panic spreading through their bodies like fire.

Shit.

They both look completely fucked out, hard, cheeks rosy, hair messy, lips glistening with saliva from the kiss, necks covered in bites. There is no fucking way they can escape this. No way to explain it.

Yeonjun comes up with an excellent (terribly bad) idea. In a split second, he rushes under the table covered with the long bunny tablecloth. Soobin quickly follows, sliding his feet and half his body underneath, letting the cloth fall over him to hide his hardness, squeezing himself under it beside Yeonjun.

Fuck.

“Huh, hyung?” Beomgyu enters the room, scanning it, sniffing at the air filled with cotton-candy perfume coming from the candle Yeonjun had put on the table, and his brows shoot up in confusion.

Soobin turns around, eyes meeting his in the hallway. What the hell is he doing here?

Conan Gray - Maniac

“Gyu? Are you home? How?” He stutters, trying to wish away the blush in his cheeks.

Beomgyu makes his way inside the apartment, leaving his shoes and bags at the entrance. “Company called me back for an early schedule in the morning, and rescheduled my day off,” he says, words detached from his narrowed eyes that suspect Soobin of doing something mischievous–and rightfully so.

Soobin gulps. Now this is not fun. 

How was he going to fix this?

??

“What’s going on with our apartment?” Beomgyu walks in further.

Right. The whole setup Yeonjun has made for him. Shit.

“Uhm–about this.”

“You are so weird, Soobin.” He approaches, looking at the table, the scattered plates, and the half-eaten takeout. It clearly looks like two people were there. If he notices, Beomgyu doesn’t say it; instead, he drops himself onto the couch behind Soobin and sighs, long. “What are we watching?”

Soobin needs to find a way for him to go to his room so that Yeonjun could easily slip out from under the table and hide in his own room. Nothing that complicated, right?

Only if.

“Share some of that with me. Remember? Sharing is caring.”

Soobin turns to give him a look, but he doesn’t say much. He really can’t escape this, right? He moves the slightest, just to reach for one of the fuller plates with now-cold Bibimbap, and his knee accidentally brushes against something, and a hissing sound comes from under the table.

“The fuck was that sound you just made?” Beomgyu asks. “Just give me the food, hyung, I’m starvinggg.”

Soobin figures he managed to hit Yeonjun’s face or something, and he does it again, playfully, just as a little warning, to stop making that sound.

But instead of literally anything else Yeonjun could’ve done in response, an expected reaction, he simply grabs his still-hard cock through his sweatpants and squeezes him. 

Soobin literally lets out a loud yelp. Embarrassing sounds coming with it.

What the fuck? Was that supposed to be a tease? Because it’s the last thing Soobin needs right now.

“Soobin…” Beomgyu says, mouthful of bibimbap now. “Are you in pain or something? Should I get you something?”

You should just leave me alone! Soobin thinks, but for a second, he thinks he’s safe and Yeonjun doesn’t make any other movements. Which is good. He can still think of something.

Beomgyu grabs the remote and taps play. “Oh, we are watching Jujutsu Kaisen Zero again? So predictable, but so good,” he says, mumbling around his chopsticks.

Soobin tries to move his legs a little to find a more natural position, and he realizes that the more he moves, Yeonjun starts pinching him. He tries to stop himself from extra movement–Yeonjun must be very crowded in there.

But when is Yeonjun ever considerate of him??? Literally never. Because the next thing he does is shift under the table, adjusting his cramped position, and Soobin doesn’t see it coming. One second Yeonjun is somewhere near his knees, and the next Soobin feels the warm weight of his head settling into his lap, a soft mop of hair pressing against him.

Yeonjun’s head is pressed lightly against him, breath brushing over Soobin’s thighs. Soobin stiffens, heart skipping, way too aware of every small movement, and internally curses how impossibly impossible it is to focus on anything else while Yeonjun comfortably claims his lap like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Which is so unfortunate, because Soobin is still hard, and that thing will never go away with Yeonjun’s face inches from his dick, not even the jump-scare of Beomgyu getting back home could shush it away.

Soobin tries to pinch Yeonjun, very subtly, careful not to make too much movement. Well, he’s fully covered by that gorgeous, life-saving tablecloth, but there isn’t much space in there, and with him sitting cross-legged and Yeonjun’s head in his lap, any wrong movement could give them away.

So he tries to inch Yeonjun’s position a bit lower, to put some distance between his hard dick and his face, because, you know, have some decency!

Yeonjun doesn’t budge, and thank God Soobin is turned with his back to Beomgyu, and there isn’t much he can see, not even his flustered, confused face. Beomgyu rewinds a bit, like halfway through the movie, to catch his own favourite scene.

Soobin doesn’t know how to make this natural, and Beomgyu knows him too well, he will definitely see something is wrong sooner or later, and fuck, why isn’t Yeonjun moving his head out of his lap already?

Oh right. Maybe Yeonjun doesn’t understand his cues! Of course, that must be it.

Soobin decides to make it more obvious. Maybe Yeonjun just needs to know, and he will get it. He slides his palm under the table, pretending to be looking for something, and tries to touch all over Yeonjun, mapping out his position until he finds his hand close to his head. He takes it and swiftly brushes it over his own cock, to let Yeonjun know he is still hard.

And then he pushes it away.

And all in all, maybe Soobin is not the brightest person ever. Maybe he has given Yeonjun the wrong cue, because the next thing that happens, instead of Yeonjun moving his head out of his lap, he grabs his cock through his pants and starts lazily stroking it.

Soobin chokes on his own saliva.

Beomgyu is right fucking there. Behind them.

And Yeonjun is making Soobin literally go out of his mind. He tries to make Yeonjun stop, but there is not much he can do.

“Can you stop being so fidgety? I really want to watch this,” Beomgyu warns him, and Yeonjun stops moving his hand for a second. Soobin lets out a loud sigh, hiding the shaking hands further under the table.

“I have a headache,” Soobin announces, maybe that will explain to Beomgyu some of his uncharacteristic behaviour.

Okay.

Beomgyu doesn’t seem to mind.

Soobin takes a deep breath. He will try to ignore it. The boner. It can go away, right? It’s just a boner, and boners come and go. He can think of something else, focus on the movie in front of him, and–

Yeonjun grabs his hand and fucking kisses it under the table, and as the quiet settles again into the room, with only the sound of the movie playing in the background and Beomgyu’s munching being heard, Yeonjun finally does it for Soobin.

And Soobin decides, right then and there, that he is going to kill him.

He pulls his sweatpants lower and wraps his hand around Soobin’s cock, taking it out in its splendour, giving it a little lick. Soobin doesn’t see any of this; he doesn’t see it coming because he can’t predict Yeonjun’s actions without seeing him. Instead, he just feels it as it happens, and the second Yeonjun’s tongue touches the tip, he bites into his lower lip so hard it starts bleeding.

What is Yeonjun doing? Getting bored?

Soobin tries to hold it back, any sounds, any ragged breaths. Yeonjun is very quiet about it, his tongue circling around the tip slowly, pushing into the creases and dragging it over the veins–

Oh my god. Soobin cannot focus on the movie.

He needs to calm down, or Beomgyu will catch them. He desperately needs a different approach.

Deep breaths. One. Two. Three.

Yeonjun’s tongue…

Four. Five. Six.

Yeonjun’s lips grazing over his skin.

Seven. Eight.

He tries to relax into the feeling then, into the familiarity of Yeonjun’s mouth and his lazy movements.

Yeonjun’s plush lips wrap around the tip too, and he switches between kissing, licking, and sucking delicately, nothing too much or too intense. Normally, Soobin would not be able to come from this, because he’s starting to get comfortable with the warmth of Yeonjun’s mouth, and while it still doesn’t mean he feels less crazy about it, his body is starting to take it better.

But with Beomgyu behind them, he can’t fully enjoy it. Instead, his stomach contorts in the wrong way, and he just panics every time Yeonjun sucks in a little bit more of him, a loud whine stuck at the base of his throat. He wants to scream, or cry, or actually both.

“Yuta is so badass, I genuinely believe he’s my favourite besides Gojo,” Beomgyu says animatedly, finally finishing most of his food by the sounds of it.

Oh yeah, right–Beomgyu! Soobin momentarily forgot he’s an avid commenter during movies, even if they’re rewatching. And Soobin is usually the type to one-up his energy.

“He’s a better main character than the main characteer,” he says, last words a bit strangled as Yeonjun’s tongue pushes right into the tip, feeling a bit too good for Soobin to keep his voice steady.

“I don’t know why they made Itadori so plain. I still hope they are planning a comeback for him, because he’s not as interesting as the others,” Beomgyu continues. Soobin hears the words, but his brain can’t really process them, every nerve is focused on the mellowness of Yeonjun’s lips, dragging up and down the veins of his cock, so slow, so plushy, hitting exactly where Yeonjun knows Soobin melts.

He needs to do something about it.

Soobin feels the inevitable sensation of lips unwrapping from his dick, but the tongue lands on his tip again, and Yeonjun starts lapping at it like a little kitty kat drinking its milk. Soobin’s body jerks, and in the process, his other knee hits the–

“What the fuck, bro? Why don’t you join me on the sofa?”

Soobin laughs nervously. “I like the setup I’ve prepared for myself so I can eat while watching and not let anything fall on the floor.”

The licks on the tip become more intense, and Soobin huffs weirdly.

God have mercy on poor, pathetic little Soobin. He’s done nothing wrong!

“You are not eating, though,” Beomgyu comments on the facts, and yeah, he’s right, Soobin is just too busy to even think of a better excuse.

Yeonjun’s lips are just so dreamy, not only in the way they look, but in the way they feel, and his tongue, working in maniacal perfection as if he’s been studying ways of making Soobin feel good, taken care of, his entire life. And yes, a dick can be treated with care too; it can be given a lot of careful attention, and Yeonjun is fantastic at the job.

It makes it all the more difficult for Soobin to exist in that room.

But poor Beomgyu.

“I might get hungry again soon,” Soobin says in a lower voice, leaning on his elbows on the table, which unfortunately allows Yeonjun finally a better position, and he takes him in fully, in one go, and Soobin literally feels the back of his throat.

He’s lost it. He groans, and it’s weird and stupid, and he lets his head fall onto the table, burying it under his hands, and Yeonjun starts moving.

Bloody hell!

“Beomgyu. Please just…” he says, groaning again at another drag of Yeonjun’s tongue up his length as he sucks him. How is he so good at moving his tongue while sucking him off? It will never make sense to Soobin.

“Please grab me a pill from the kitchen, my head hurts like shit.”

Beomgyu mumbles something that Soobin literally cannot hear, but by the time he is out of the living room, Soobin mouths, “For fuck’s sake, hyung, you are…” and Yeonjun sucks harder, with more precision.

“Your mouth, fuck.” He groans again as he comes into Yeonjun’s mouth, the power of the orgasm hitting him like fire through his entire body. He groans again, huffing hard and as quietly as possible as Yeonjun swallows all the cum that goes into his mouth and licks him clean on top of that.

Soobin’s body goes limp on the table by the time Beomgyu is back, and Yeonjun has already tucked his now-limp cock back into his sweatpants.

Beomgyu places the pill and a glass of water on the table. “I’m going to sleep, Soobin. You’re being exceptionally weird today. Maybe you should go too.” And he finally leaves, locking his door behind him.

Yeonjun gets out, groaning, not low, and Soobin looks at him, giving him the “what the fuck?” look.

Yeonjun looks back, just as confused. “I thought that’s what you wanted?” He speaks in a very quiet voice. “Like, you literally made me touch you.”

“I was just–hyung, I was trying to tell you to stop staying so close to my dick because I was still hard.”

“Oh.” Yeonjun lets out a soft laugh. “Well.”

“Exactly.”

Then Yeonjun’s confused expression morphs into an evil grin. “You enjoyed every second of it, didn’t you, you freak!”

“Hyung…” Soobin whines, still quiet, but he drags Yeonjun into his room and closes the door properly behind them.

Finally.

⋆.𐙚 ̊

i wish i didn’t care - Eric Nam

They sneak out of the house silently, grabbing all of Yeonjun’s belongings, and walk toward the nearest Airbnb they could find, to avoid further suspicion. The plan is for Soobin to go back to his apartment, but he decides to walk Yeonjun there, since he doesn’t want him alone on the streets at night, especially with no managers or protection around.

It’s not as cold outside as it had been just a few weeks ago, but they’re both wrapped in beanies and scarves, cozy puffers keeping them warm for the fifteen-minute walk.

The streets are mostly empty, save for a couple of wanderers here and there, paying them no mind. Soobin still feels the faint buzz of the previous intimate moment.

What the hell just happened… Not that he didn’t like it, but it somehow leaves him even more conflicted.

“You know…” he finally says, walking beside Yeonjun, their pace slow, like they have nowhere to be. “I think we’re overdoing it a bit.” He lets out the words, not anxious, but honest, and hopes Yeonjun can hear him.

Yeonjun glances at him, brows knitting together. “What do you mean? I told you it was a misunderstanding. I wouldn’t have done that if I knew it would make you uncomfortable.”

They pass under streetlights, stepping in and out of shadows; the city feels quiet around them.

“No, it’s not about that. I did enjoy it. It’s just that we can never get time alone, and we have to come up with these ridiculous lies that don’t always work out.”

Yeonjun nods. “I mean, if they do find out, do you think they’d give us more free time? I don’t think–look, we haven’t even figured out our shit yet. It would definitely bring more–”

Soobin stops him mid-sentence as they come to a halt right under a streetlight.

The light falls so prettily on Yeonjun, his large, glassy eyes staring back into his. Soobin is madly in love. He leans in for a short kiss, nothing too serious, just lips touching with little movement, catching Yeonjun off guard. Soobin leaves two, then three pecks before actually letting go.

“Sorry, I couldn’t hold back. The light makes you pretty, and I think this is a bit romantic.” He laughs awkwardly, excusing himself. Maybe he really is weird.

Yeonjun just stares at him. Dumbly.

“Bin-ah.”

“Yeah?”

Yeonjun wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him down into another short kiss, this one deeper, more breathless, more like them. “I’m obsessed with you.”

The blush on Soobin’s cheeks is ridiculously evident, but at least he doesn’t need to hide it, and he doesn’t need to hide the way his stomach churns in enthusiastic, funny ways at Yeonjun’s words either, because it’s just them and nothing else matters, right? 

It’s who they are.

Yeonjun unwraps his arms, eyes briefly avoidant. “But I do believe I’m right about this. As soon as everyone finds out, they’ll blame everything that goes wrong with the group on us. And I thought you wanted time to figure things out, we needed time, quiet, to see if this could actually develop into something serious, right?”

Soobin stands there for a second, trying not to let the words hit too close to home. It doesn’t seem like Yeonjun has any ill intentions behind them, it’s just how he genuinely feels.

But.

Aren’t they already serious?

Yeah, sure, they hadn’t called it a relationship, but it was mostly what it already was. How could Yeonjun say that?

“Are you really that insecure about our future?” The words come out harsher than he intended, so he softens slightly, seeing the flash of betrayal in Yeonjun’s eyes. “I mean… don’t you have enough trust in us to navigate it together?”

There’s a glint of irritation in Yeonjun’s eyes under the streetlamp, and it spirals through Soobin just a little. “Are you really asking me that, Soobin-ah? I’m trying to be considerate here, you feel like you need a lot of time for… a lot of things.”

And that rubs Soobin the wrong way. He steps back slightly, trying to get a better look at Yeonjun’s face. “Hyung, how can you say that? I’m not the one constantly stuck in a studio, exhausting myself to death, then needing days to recover just to function again. I’m trying my best to be considerate too, because I feel like I’m the last thing you need on your plate.” His voice rises a bit, irritation slipping through. “It’s not like I don’t know what I want, but we agreed to take things slow because we both need it.”

Yeonjun scowls, indignation flashing across his features. “I am focusing on my career, Soobin. Our career, if you even care. Of course there are times when that happens, but I do that instead of locking myself in my bedroom for days instead of coming out and talking to literally anyone.”

Soobin stares, shocked, unsure where to go from here. Why are they fighting again? “So… is this it? You think I’m not ready for something serious? That’s why we shouldn’t tell the members?”

Yeonjun crosses his arms, nodding confidently. Soobin feels a sting pierce through his heart. He thought it was okay to wait, to figure things out, to keep the pressure away. Yeonjun himself had said that.

“What do you even want to tell the members? That we’ve been… sucking dick? Yeah, sure. Soobin, we are not–” Yeonjun throws his hands up in exasperation, clearly furious. “We are not even fucking, Soobin. There’s not much to tell.”

Soobin opens his mouth, then closes it again. He doesn’t know what to say, and honestly, he doesn’t know what he can say.

His face drops. His heart does too, right to his feet, for Yeonjun to stomp on it.

“Okay.” He takes a step back, biting his lip. Maybe he was just too stupid to see how little this meant to Yeonjun.

“Okay,” he repeats, another step back.

“Are you now going to run away from it?” Yeonjun challenges, but Soobin can’t. He simply can’t.

He turns away.

“Fine!” Yeonjun snaps, walking off before Soobin has the chance to take another step.

Soobin goes home and simply cries.

Hushed, in silence, as he always does.

He cries because he never imagined Yeonjun could think so little of their relationship. He cries because he loves Yeonjun, and while he had told him he loved him back, most of the time that emotion alone was never going to be enough.

Maybe this moment had been waiting, in the dark, to catch them off guard. But it was Soobin’s mistake, once again. He never dared to ask for more, to talk a little longer, to be fully honest.

He runs from conflict, especially when it comes to Yeonjun, because every time they clash, the inevitable, whatever it is they both fear, hits harder than he can bear.

⋆.𐙚 ̊

5sos - lonely heart

Two weeks pass, and they fall back into that stupid kind of routine where they just pretend. It’s nothing new, it’s happened before. They always end up not talking for months, and no one says a thing, no one pays any mind, as long as the content keeps flowing and their smiles land in the right place on screen.

The company doesn’t care much if they don’t interact during schedules, as long as there’s no bad tension. No one says a thing.

It gets annoying at times, because they tend to throw irritating remarks at each other out of the blue, and neither of them is better than the other. Soobin is aware that there is tension, and words come out harsher than intended. Members do question their reactions, but no one wants to intrude.

When arguments happen, Soobin prefers to stand back, to run away if possible. Usually, if he feels uncomfortable with one member, he avoids letting it show during team disagreements. He stands back and keeps to himself.

They’re all tired and in need of a vacation, he knows, but there’s one coming before the comeback in April. If they can push through a little longer, it’ll be okay.

He knows he’s not the best leader in the world. He knows he needs help. But he also knows he cannot talk to Yeonjun right now, he feels hurt and needs time to process it.

There’s one particular argument about choreography where everyone ends up looking at him. Beomgyu and Huening Kai want it one way, while Taehyun and Yeonjun want it another, and Soobin is caught right in the middle, confused, overwhelmed, and they expect him to decide.

The practice room falls silent. The staff leave them to solve the conflict, and Soobin can’t help but glance at his reflection in the mirror behind them, back slouched, dark circles under his eyes, the posture of a quitter, someone who never knows how to handle a situation.

He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. He doesn’t want to choose; he doesn’t even understand the point of the argument. He does what he knows best.

He storms out, leaving everyone behind, confused. He can only imagine Yeonjun’s eyes–the eyeroll, the unspoken judgment: He was right. Soobin can’t handle anything, especially tense, undefined situations.

He hides in one of the green rooms, a quiet space, hugging his legs in a corner and letting his head fall over his knees. It was such a minor inconvenience, why did they have to make such a big deal out of it? Fans wouldn’t even notice.

It’s quiet for a while, and he overthinks. Seconds stretch into minutes, and his mind won’t shut the fuck up. He wants to scream into the void. Just for a second… can it shut up just for a second?

A soft sound from the door. Taehyun slips in quietly, tiptoeing across the floor, and drops down beside him. He doesn’t speak, just sits there, letting the silence wrap around them.

Soobin leans into it. He knows he’s being unreasonable, and he knows Taehyun is giving him space, but he still appreciates it, still needs it.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?”

Soobin whines into his knees, hugging them tighter to his chest. “I don’t know.”

Taehyun taps his fingers lightly against the wooden floor. “I think you do. You just… don’t want to face it.”

“I fucked up, Taehyun-ah.” His eyes lift, pleading, small tears he won’t let fall yet. “Again.”

Taehyun leans his head against his shoulder. “Whatever’s happened, hyung, I know you can fix it.” His voice is soft, steady, a lifeline.

“I don’t see how,” Soobin murmurs. “It’s… hard to fix something when you don’t even know the outcome you want.”

Taehyun nods, thinking, letting the silence weight the words.

“Hyung, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s honesty. If you say you did something wrong, you probably did, but I also know you overthink the tiniest things. Maybe this… maybe this isn’t as big as it feels. Maybe it could be solved with just a conversation, not a fight, just talking.”

“I also feel hurt,” Soobin admits.

“And you have every right to,” Taehyun says. “But I know both of you probably just need to get things off your chest.”

“So you know.”

Taehyun rolls his eyes, but it’s gentle. “We always know, Soobin-ah.”

Soobin bangs his head lightly against his knees. “I’m sure he thinks I’m an idiot.”

“Hmm.” There’s a beat of silence. “Yeonjun hyung looked… sad.”

“Sad?”

“Perhaps you’re misunderstanding him too. I know how stubborn he can get, and while I have no idea what this is about, I’m sure hyung wants to talk as well. It’s been weeks again. We’re not teenagers anymore, you guys need to get your shit together. We can’t keep having these long periods of time where you just avoid each other. I–” Taehyun bites his lower lip, and Soobin feels suddenly exposed, almost naked at heart.

He feels suspected.

“Taehyun–”

“I’m not going to ask, okay? I’m not going to say it either. I just want you to know, it’s painful for us too, watching all of this unfold. But I know it can work out. I’ve seen it happen. Okay? You guys are either inseparable or don’t speak for months. There is no in-between, and this needs to stop.”

“How do I do this?”

“Stop being a stubborn asshole and go talk to him.”

“But he doesn’t want to talk to me either.”

“You’re just silly, hyung. You know you’re wrong, but you settle for less because fighting for something takes more mental energy. I get it, but some things in life are worth that energy, even if it means putting your emotions on a platter. Start by being honest with yourself, then with him. Take it from there.”

Taehyun leaves, but Soobin knows he’s right.

He should do it.

He sighs, reaching for his phone, when it buzzes in his hand before he even unlocks it.

It’s from Yeonjun.

Bin-ah, let’s go out for a drink. It’s on me. 

Soobin takes a deep breath, heart filling up with a stupid pang of hope.

Okay. Let’s do it. 

⋆.𐙚 ̊

5sos - boyband

They meet in front of the apartment building at eight p.m., and the second Soobin lays eyes on Yeonjun, he’s already irritated. Yeonjun looks stupidly good, while Soobin just threw on a simple hoodie. Truthfully, Yeonjun did the same, black hoodie, beanie, a few blond strands peeking out. It’s just irritating because he looks effortlessly good, and that was not the point.

Whatever.

The private car picks them up, the manager in the front seat, and they sit quietly in the back, music playing softly in the background.

They soon get out in a quiet alley and walk into a private members’ bar. It smells faintly of whiskey and smoke, dim lights casting warm shadows over brick walls. 

Rock music rattles through the speakers, and the lounge is crowded enough to give them privacy without drawing attention. The place isn’t posh, more like a rock bar than a members’ club, but it feels alive, loud enough to hide their conversation if they needed.

A neon sign flickers above the bar, and worn leather stools are lined the counter, battered from years of use, giving the place a lived-in, rebellious vibe. The staff guide them towards the end of the bar, a more secluded area still within reach for the bartender, while Jisoo, the manager, goes to sit on the other side of the bar, out of sight. 

The loud music and chaos give Soobin a little bit of safety, maybe he doesn’t need quiet right now, but the buzz helps him get through it.

Yeonjun sits across from him in a corner of the bar, and they both order draft beers, glancing at each other awkwardly.

A second passes.

Then another.

Finally, they start talking.

They look at each other, embarrassed, and Soobin lets Yeonjun go first.

“I’m sorry.” Yeonjun’s lips press into a thin line. “I’ve been an ass.”

Soobin nods. He knows it. They both have. “Well… me too.”

“I didn’t mean what I said.” Yeonjun continues, his gaze softening, more apologetic. “I just… feel frustrated because I–” He bites his lip, embarrassed by what’s about to come out. “I promised to give you space, while also wanting more certainty. I think I tried way too hard to hide it, and it just spiraled. I’m sorry about that. I meant it when I said I want to give you time and space.”

The beers arrive, and Soobin downs half his mug, words and feelings stuck in his throat.

“Hyung, I never wanted to make it feel uncertain. That’s why I wanted to tell the guys we’re something, because I genuinely want to be with you, in whatever way.” He holds back the tears, voice barely steady.

“Bin…” Yeonjun’s face softens, impossibly cute.

“Since you enabled me…” Soobin drains the rest of his beer and orders another. “I’ll be honest. I’m scared to jump straight into a relationship because we’re both busy, and I don’t want tension between us. Keeping it casual worked for months because there were no expectations. I wasn’t expecting a good night text, you weren’t expecting me to make extra time if I couldn’t muster the energy. I was scared it might ruin everything we’ve built up until now and–” He stops, taking a sharp breath.

Then he keeps going, faster, words tumbling. “And I know I’ve been selfish. I didn’t consider your feelings. I just assumed if I got too serious, you wouldn’t want this anymore. I’m a lot, you know I’m a lot, and I’m scared of overwhelming you, of letting my emotional mess spill over when you don’t need it.”

“Sobinnie, can I stop you for a second?”

Soobin leans back against the wall, letting Yeonjun interrupt him.

“Okay. Have I ever said I don’t like your emotional dumps?”

Soobin frowns, incredulous. “Who would?”

the killa - TXT (yeonbin - actually the losers in question)

“The only problem I’ve ever had with you is the avoidance, Bin-ah.” Yeonjun admits, hand reaching for one of Soobin’s. “I genuinely only ever wanted to hear what you think, what you feel, what’s bothering you. I always wanted you to tell me more about it.”

Soobin knows, oh, he knows, because he purposefully avoided letting it out in front of Yeonjun, especially when it comes to his own feelings, always keeping them hidden.

Another beer arrives, and Soobin really needs it. He drinks, then squeezes Yeonjun’s hand. Well, time and space might not be ideal, but he will say it.

“I’ve been intentionally doing so because I feel so much for you, hyung, too much. I–It honestly is embarrassing. I told you before, but I mean it. I had to run away because I never knew how you felt, and I couldn’t just throw away our group dynamic and our friendship because of these stupid emotions I’ve been harboring since the moment I literally landed my eyes on you.”

Yeonjun’s eyes shine as they look back into Soobin’s, hinting at tears threatening to spill, and Soobin reciprocates the emotion, feeling his cheeks burn with tension. Yeonjun covers his eyes, fingers pushing into them, then pinches his nose.

“Bin-ah, I–” he sniffs. “Ahh, this is so annoying. I hate it. Bin-ah, for years, I’ve tried to make you notice. I’ve always done everything I could to give you at least a little hint. I wanted you to get it. I needed you to get it.”

Soobin lets out an ugly cry, can’t contain it anymore, sound bursting through his nose as he buries his head into Yeonjun’s shoulder and sobs.

“This is stupid,” he finally lets out between sobs. “We are pathetic.”

“We are idiots,” Yeonjun replies, sniffing and sobbing too, and Soobin realizes the beers might’ve gotten to their heads.

“But I feel so much for you, hyung. Let’s–” Maybe they could try a relationship after all. Maybe they could give it a chance, because at this point there’s no reason not to.

“Binnie. Let’s tell them–the members. We should tell them about us.”

“Hyung…”

“It doesn’t have to be tomorrow. We can wait for the right moment, but we tell them. And we tell them the truth, that way, there’s no pressure, we’re still figuring things out, and if we’re completely honest, they might even help,” Yeonjun suggests, and Soobin wonders if maybe they could make it official.

“Should we–”

Yeonjun shushes him, placing a finger on his lips.

“Soobinie, I know what you want to say, but I don’t want to do it just because I forced it upon us, myself. I was not being reasonable, and it was so wrong of me to doubt you. Please don’t let it change anything. I know, I believe you, and I trust that we are a sure thing.”

“Jjunie.”

“It’s okay. We don’t need a word yet.”

Soobin feels a bit relieved, knowing the pressure on Yeonjun is still insane, and he still feels insecure about everything. The low hum of the bar wraps around them like a blanket, the clink of glasses and distant laughter fading into the background. 

He can feel Yeonjun’s steady breath through the slight space between them, their hands brushing lightly against each other.

“We might try to actually learn how to navigate our arguments in the meantime,” he suggests, sniffing and wiping a tear away.

“And I’ll have to learn how to be less acid during them.”

“And I’ll try not to run away anymore.”

“But emotionally, hyung, I’m yours. I’ve always been.”

Yeonjun glances around to make sure no one is paying them any mind, then leans in, pressing his forehead softly against Soobin’s. Their hands intertwine again, fingers curling around each other. “And I’m yours.”

⋆.𐙚 ̊

Heavenly Blue - XngHan&Xoul

They get a little tipsy.

Okay, Yeonjun does, because Soobin is a little drunk. Barely walking straight. Whatever.

But it feels so good. During their little night out, they talk about their old trainee days, reminisce about trips they’ve taken during tours, bring up funny stories, and talk about their group and how well they’re doing now. It feels rewarding, them talking about the other members like they’d do with younger siblings, proud of their achievements, how well they grew up.

It’s a very heartwarming conversation, and Soobin ends up tearing up two or three times, because hell, they’ve made it this far, right? And they’ve done it together. It’s just such a beautiful feeling.

Maybe the alcohol makes him a little emotional, but screw it, they can have at least this, right? They’re allowed to feel proud, to be fond of their memories, and maybe a little excited for what’s to come.

When they decide to call it a night, it’s already around midnight, and Soobin feels his cheeks burning. There’s a specific idiotic smile plastered across his face, he can’t see it, of course, even though he tries imagining it, and yeah, he should probably stop drinking.

The bar is quieter now, the early-hour buzz diminishing to soft music playing in the background, with a few lingering patrons holding onto their last drinks before the place actually closes.

As they walk out, Jisoo is still ahead of them, keeping a generous distance to give them space and intimacy, and Soobin almost forgets he’s there.

Honestly, he feels bubbly!

There’s so much going on in his head, he doesn’t know what to focus on. But Yeonjun is right in front of him, and Soobin picks him as his target. 

On their way out, he keeps pinching him, bumping against him, and every time Yeonjun gives him “the look,” he just pretends not to notice. 

Isn’t Soobin a genius?

They reach the stairs of the place, and while Soobin doesn’t feel wasted, he does feel tipsy enough to be more daring. With Yeonjun walking right ahead, when they reach the final step, he intentionally stumbles over his own feet, landing his entire body onto Yeonjun’s back, wrapping his arms around the older like a clingy koala.

“Soobin-ah! Careful, you’re going to–” Yeonjun turns his head around, eyes swimming with worry, as he meets Soobin’s stare and his stupid grin that he’s no longer aware of.

Soobin simply melts into the crook of his hyung’s neck.

“Grn…” He mumbles something–don’t ask him what; he doesn’t remember what he planned to say. “Mhm. Hyung smells so nice.” He closes his eyes, inhaling the familiar scent. Oh, he’s drunk on Yeonjun, not alcohol.

“Bin-ah… you know Jisoo is right here, right? We can’t–”

Soobin’s huge smile turns into an exaggerated pout. “I see how it is.” He takes a step back, sulky, but something quickly distracts him, and he completely forgets what he was going to say.

“A photobooth!” he screams.

“No, I look terrible,” Yeonjun deadpans, categorically.

Soobin frowns at him. “What do you even mean? You’re fucking gorgeous, hyung. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my life.” He contemplates, still pouty. “How could you even say that?” The frown deepens. “No, I’m wrong. Let’s do it again. We start from the start. Okay?”

“What–”

Soobin faces him, placing both hands on Yeonjun’s shoulders, looking him directly in the eyes. “You are the most beautiful human being the world has ever managed to come up with.”

Yeonjun’s cheeks flush suddenly, and he avoids Soobin’s gaze, biting his lower lip in embarrassment. “Now you’re just saying things.”

“Hyung, I’ll fucking scream it so everyone can hear!”

“No!” Yeonjun rushes to shush him, placing a finger over Soobin’s lips.

Soobin… Soobin has no filter generally. Drunk Soobin knows no limits. His serious face softens, mischief glinting in his eyes as he smiles, opening his mouth and sucking Yeonjun’s finger unceremoniously.

Yeonjun jumps. “Soobin-ah!”

“Let’s take a picture, hyung.”

“Fine!” Yeonjun drags him inside, and as soon as he closes the curtain, Soobin pins him against the wall, eyes locked on his lips. He cannot wait, if he has to wait one more second to kiss this man, he will explode.

Yeonjun’s breath ghosts over his lips. “You’re so greedy, bunny.”

Soobin freaking melts. He doesn’t wait, he simply jumps Yeonjun, lips catching his mouth with hunger, clumsy and desperate, and a moan slips past Yeonjun’s lips. Soobin swallows it, pushing his tongue in, teeth clashing, saliva slick between them, and it gets heated so fast. He buries his fists in Yeonjun’s hoodie with maniacal impatience and irritation, as if the fabric itself is offending him by being in the way.

Their heated kiss is abruptly interrupted by the unmistakable click of the photobooth camera. They both remember time and place, Soobin rearranges his hair and Yeonjun fixes his beanie, staring back into the camera, taking a couple more kissing pictures just for themselves. Soobin smooches Yeonjun’s cheek with a cheesy, loud sound, but Yeonjun’s smile is so huge and endearing he does it again. Then he catches his lips in another kiss, this time for the picture, and they are all a mess, but it’s so fucking them, Soobin can’t stop.

The last picture captures them rubbing their noses quietly. Soobin wants to remember this moment. He wants to keep the picture in his wallet. He wonders if he could, without anyone catching him.

Then they take another set of pictures for the fans, much more tamed but with the same enamoured energy, just because Soobin wants the entire world to know they are happy, they are well, and they are together.

When they exit the booth, Soobin grabs Yeonjun’s hand suddenly. Dramatically, of course. He squints at their intertwined fingers like he’s studying something extremely important.

“Your hand,” he says, nodding. “Fits mine. Suspiciously well.”

“…Bin.”

“So I will be keeping it.” He says, dedicated to the cause, dragging Yeonjun out and waving to Jisoo to call for their car because it’s already late and Soobin wants to lie down for a second.

Yeonjun doesn’t have time to protest, and maybe, Soobin hopes, he doesn’t even try, because he agrees.

They shouldn’t ever let go of each other’s hands. 

⋆.𐙚 ̊

Sugar and Cinnamon - Lany

They get home, and Soobin decides to detour from his apartment, following Yeonjun to the other dorm just across the hallway. When they step inside, Soobin still refuses to let go of Yeonjun’s hand, even as they struggle to kick off their shoes and take off their hoodies. The usual bickering returns between them, soft and familiar, and still, he does not let go.

Who is Yeonjun to blame a man in love?

Instead of going to Yeonjun’s room, to avoid any potential damage to their image, they settle for the living room sofa. The apartment is quiet. The faint tapping of a keyboard drifts from Kai’s room, and Taehyun seems to be watching a TV series in his bedroom, muffled dialogue coming through the walls.

They move carefully, quietly, changing into comfortable clothes from Yeonjun’s closet before snuggling under a fluffy blanket on the couch in the living room. Yeonjun puts on a sappy movie called My Oxford Year, which Soobin already knows he’s going to get annoyed at.

They settle into a comfortable position, Yeonjun leaning his head against Soobin’s shoulder.

As the movie plays, Soobin realizes the words drift in and out of his awareness. Maybe he’s tired. Maybe he’s still tipsy. Or maybe the movie just isn’t good enough to hold his attention.

Yeonjun, on the other hand, watches intensely.

And that’s when Soobin’s mind begins to wander.

It’s foggy with the last traces of alcohol, and all kinds of reckless thoughts cross his mind. At first, he tells himself he’s just trying to stay awake, stay focused, stay distracted. But then he realizes every single one of those thoughts revolves around Yeonjun. The warmth of him pressed against his side. The steady rise and fall of his chest. The way he fits there so easily, so naturally.

Soobin tries to will it away, okay? It’s not like he doesn’t try. 

At one point he even squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head slightly, and Yeonjun pauses the movie to check on him. Soobin reassures him quickly, murmuring that there’s nothing to worry about.

But honestly?

That’s a lie.

Soobin’s dick is hard, and there isn’t much he can do about it. His mind is momentarily covered in a foggy arousal and a suspicious urge to make Yeonjun lose focus on the movie, which is really bad in his humble opinion, and instead give him all of his attention.

He starts playing with Yeonjun’s shirt under the covers, his fingers then searching for the skin of his hand, playing with his fingers, switching between caressing his skin and pinching him. But the more he does it, the greedier he gets. And for some reason, Soobin does not want to take this to Yeonjun’s room.

He wants Yeonjun to feel what he’s felt.

He lazily sneaks his hand into Yeonjun’s sweatpants, his face still focused on the TV, huge fingers capturing Yeonjun’s soft dick in his hold as he starts moulding it. Yeonjun doesn’t give much of a reaction. Instead, he just pushes his ass lower into the sofa to give Soobin better access and exhales at the touch, a domesticity to the moment that ignites a fire in Soobin’s stomach.

Yeonjun’s head is still leaning against his shoulder, but he leans more into him, and as Soobin plays with him into hardness, he becomes limp and more relaxed everywhere else. It’s quiet and cozy, in a sluggish way. Just Soobin’s movements, and Yeonjun’s breath getting a bit more agitated as Soobin’s fingers slip past his waistband and finally wrap around him.

Yeonjun bites his lip at the warm touch, and Soobin starts playing with the precum softly, adding two, three fingers and circling the tip until Yeonjun closes his eyes, losing all contact with the movie.

“Fuck, hyung, you are so pliant under my touch,” Soobin murmurs, turning his head to mouth at the lobe of Yeonjun’s ear, pulling his earring into his mouth before sucking on the skin and biting at it. Yeonjun is completely gone now, quiet huffs slipping from his mouth. “How are you so pretty, Jjunie?”

“Binnie, please, let’s take this to my room,” Yeonjun says, his voice low and raspy.

“Why so soon?” Soobin asks, teasing. “We’re watching this very interesting movie.”

“I promise you the things I will show you are much more interesting,” Yeonjun mumbles, his eyes still unfocused as he looks at him, lips dry and begging to be soaked by Soobin’s own.

The more he stares, the bolder Soobin feels.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’ll get too loud, and I don’t want Huening and Taeyunnie to hear you,” Soobin says, his lips back on Yeonjun’s skin, this time at his neck, his hand still playful, while Yeonjun’s cock keeps leaking deliciously.

“Then let them hear. Didn’t you say you wanted them to find out?” Yeonjun nudges, his hand reaching for Soobin’s thigh and catching his skin in his hold before slipping between his legs.

Soobin squeezes his eyes shut at the feeling but forces himself to stay composed. “I still don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I’ll make you groan here otherwise, and they’ll hear it anyway.” Yeonjun’s palm teases dangerously closer to Soobin’s dick, but the sound of movement quickly makes him pull his hand away, panic settling on his face.

Soobin’s hand stills on Yeonjun’s dick, but he doesn’t let go.

Kai clicks the doorknob open, and his eyes land on them curiously. “Hyungs? I thought you were out drinking.”

Yeonjun looks at Soobin, eyes wide, then at Kai. “We got back some time ago,” he says, and Soobin squeezes his dick. Yeonjun fake coughs and hides his head in Soobin’s shoulder as Kai’s attention shifts to the TV.

“Oh, did you have fun?”

“Of course.” Soobin smiles at him. “And now we’re just watching a movie,” he adds, as nonchalant as ever (Soobin is never nonchalant, mind you, it’s the alcohol), his finger still lazily running circles over the wet skin at the tip of Yeonjun’s dick.

He senses Yeonjun’s panic and wonders how he feels, if he is just as panicked as Soobin has been before, or if he actually enjoys it.

Yeonjun reacts, though, digging his fingers into Soobin’s thigh.

Kai walks past them to the kitchen, burying his nose in the fridge, completely unaware of the situation. “Is it the new Sofia Carson movie?” he asks. “Is it any good?”

Soobin squeezes Yeonjun dick again, harder, and Yeonjun almost whines but catches himself halfway through and turns it into a reply instead. “It’s decent.”

Soobin grins widely, his wrist moving up and down with more freedom now that they’re out of Kai’s sight. “It’s actually terrible,” he offers his opinion on the film, and Yeonjun gives him a look.

Soobin is stubborn, and he starts stroking quicker, using it in favor of his argument. “Don’t look at me like that, hyung, you’ve got bad taste in movies.”

“You are really testing m–” Yeonjun almost sits up, turning toward him, but Soobin quickly urges him back down, with a particular push of his thumb into his slit. “I’ll end you,” Yeonjun mouths at him, but Soobin only grins wider.

“Try me,” he challenges.

Soobin doesn’t stop, though. Instead, he just chuckles as he looks Yeonjun in the eyes, his hand working him meticulously. “Do you wanna join us, Hyuka?” he asks Kai, and Yeonjun’s eyes are suddenly wide awake with panic.

Thankfully, Kai says no, claiming he’d rather watch literally anything else, and disappears back into his room. That gives Yeonjun a brief, hopeful second to think he might be able to turn this in his favor.

But Soobin doesn’t give him the chance. He just gives him a smug look, one Yeonjun doesn’t even know where it’s coming from, and Yeonjun suddenly folds.

He hauls him closer until he’s practically sitting in his lap.

“Ugh, Soobin!” Yeonjun lets out in warning. “What if someone comes out again?”

Without breaking rhythm, Soobin switches the hand he’s using to jerk him off, and with the other, he slips it under Yeonjun’s shirt, his fingers finding one of his nipples.

Yeonjun lets out a soft “ahh.”

“Well, look at you. We aren’t as brave, are we now?” Soobin murmurs, still toying with his nipple carelessly, his other hand steadily stroking him, overwhelming every one of Yeonjun’s senses at once. “If someone comes out, they’re going to see how hyung turns to putty at the mere touch of my fingers. They’re going to see how embarrassing you get for me.” He whispers it into Yeonjun’s ear, enjoying it way too much, each huffed sound Yeonjun makes going straight to his cock.

Yeonjun comes in his briefs just from that, letting out hushed noises, no tension in his body, not a release he chased, but one that came from pure pleasure.

After a few seconds of nothing but the sounds from the TV filling the room, Yeonjun looks at him. “I’ll make you pay back for this.”

Soobin beams. “Hey, don’t threaten me with a good time, hyungie.”

⋆.𐙚 ̊

And the inevitable happens quicker than they had planned. In all honesty, they had started being less careful around the members, but they had already made up their minds to tell them at the first chance they got.

They are in the kitchen one sunny morning, just the two of them, while the other members are all at the gym. Soobin promised to wait for them with breakfast by the time they come back, and Yeonjun got up surprisingly early to help him get something done. They rarely have meals together these days, because their schedules don’t really allow it.

They are preparing an easy doenjang jjigae, and while the stew simmers quietly in the background, they start bickering about the way Soobin has cut the onion. While it’s playful, they are both a tad bit too worked up about it. Soobin especially, because he doesn’t like Yeonjun instructing him so harshly on something he’s rarely done.

He’s never been an excellent cook, so what? Why isn’t he given points for trying?

He starts going on and on about Yeonjun being unappreciative of his efforts, and he doesn’t shut up about it. He just keeps rambling until Yeonjun gets fed up and pins him against the counter, shushing him with a kiss.

A kiss which Soobin accepts.

And he melts into it, arguments forgotten in the soft feeling of lips nibbling at his, the feel of Yeonjun’s body close to his, the sweet perfume from his skincare routine invading all his senses. It’s all so Yeonjun that he barely processes the second the door opens. Yeonjun quickly pulls back and turns around, cheeks still flushed.

He runs a hand through his hair, and Soobin wipes his mouth.

When the three members enter the kitchen and stare at them with visibly disgusted faces, both he and Yeonjun ask an innocent, “What?”

“Can you guys just…” Taehyun says, evidently fed up, before walking away.

Yeonjun and Soobin exchange a knowing glance, and maybe there is a right time for everything.

And this is the right time for that.

⋆.𐙚 ̊

The five of them are seated at the table, and Soobin stands up, ready to prepare for the announcement in a very serious manner. Yeonjun tugs at his sleeve, signaling with a gesture not to overdo it.

Embarrassed, he quickly sits back down, not knowing what to do with himself or how to start the subject.

He feels his palms get sweaty. Yeonjun doesn’t seem to be of any help either, because he just waits, too, for him to say something, and nothing comes out, and it’s just–

“You want to tell us something?” Beomgyu asks first, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

Yeonjun quickly nods.

Taehyun reaches for a bowl and starts filling it with the delicious jjigae. “Do you guys want to tell us there is something going on between you two?” he asks nonchalantly, and both Yeonjun and Soobin let out a very panicked, “Huh?”

Kai starts laughing, and Beomgyu rolls his eyes, reaching for some chopsticks.

“In fact, truth is, we’ve been trying to tell you that… Okay. Yeah,” Soobin finally says.

“Okay,” Taehyun answers, taking a mouthful of the stew. “We knew, probably since it started happening.” He chews thoughtfully. “Wow, this is good. Yeonjun hyung helped?”

“Hey!” Soobin says. “Are you saying I am not capable of making it good myself?” He jumps to answer, completely disoriented. But then– “Wait! What do you mean you knew?”

Taehyun laughs, spoon halfway to his mouth. “Come on, Soobin hyung. You two are so obvious. I actually think I knew there was something going on between you before you two realized it.”

“What does that even mean?” Yeonjun frowns at him, pouty.

“It means you guys are two silly losers, and every time there was a huge fight going on, we would literally have a secret meeting about ways to just lock you two in a room until you made out or something,” Beomgyu admits, amused. “It was ridiculous. Like, real losers.”

“Wait, you guys–” Soobin tries to scold them, but Kai interrupts him.

“We even have a group chat. Taehyunnie made a whole deal about it. He was investigating you two.”

“You what?” Yeonjun turns to Taehyun, baffled.

There’s a rosy tint to Taehyun’s cheeks. “Wow, it is a bit spicy, isn’t it?” he laughs awkwardly.

“Why did you guys not say anything?” Soobin asks, genuinely. “We were scared you would get mad at us if you knew the truth…”

“Because it was fun seeing you struggle,” Beomgyu admits.

“And because we wanted to run away from the inevitable. We know you two were going to be gross– wait, scratch that, you already are,” Kai singsongs. “But don’t worry, we love you and accept you just like that.”

Soobin jumps up, pointing at everyone. “You all are so evil!”

“Lovable,” Beomgyu corrects with a grin.

Yeonjun just laughs, catching Soobin’s sleeve and urging him back down. “Come back down, bunny. Let them be. At least we can kiss now and we won’t have to hide anymore.”

A shared “eww” fills the table.

And in that moment, Soobin realises TXT really is the worst audience for anything intimate. But an audience, nonetheless.

⋆.𐙚 ̊

“Soobin-ah,” Beomgyu says, as they’re both fired into a League of Legends ranked match.

“Mhm?” Soobin replies, animatedly, trying not to miss a single minion, the enemy team way too far into the lane for his liking. Now he feels like he has to be extra careful, not to share the minions with the freaking tower.

“Now that we’ve established that you and Yeonjun hyung are a thing, can I ask you something?”

Soobin frowns, eyes still focused on farming but trying his best to hit the enemy when possible. “Yeah? Go ahead.”

“Next time you guys decide to do… literally anything weird, just let me know in advance so I can avoid it,” Beomgyu says, voice calm, but Soobin feels a surge of panic rise through his bones.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, I don’t know… Yeonjun hiding under the table to do god knows what to your dick-type weird things.”

“What?!”

Soobin freezes, and the enemy AD Carry kills him with two basic attacks, the most embarrassing death he’s ever experienced.

He takes a few deep breaths, then clicks to buy an item. “Wait,” he says, confused. “If you knew, why didn’t you leave?”

“I wanted to watch Jujutsu Kaisen Zero, obviously.”

⋆.𐙚 ̊