Chapter Text
Trin turned around in a trance, his lit cigarette falling from his fingers. He could not believe his ears, they must be betraying him, it was not possible...
But .. There he was, Tanwa, his Tanwa. Softer, calmer, hair shorter than Trin remembered it to be, clothes in unfamiliar mild pastel colours, but his eyes still as warm, smile as accepting, face as beautiful…
A flood of emotion ran through Trin, in rapid dizzying succession, tumbling over each other, not letting him breathe, each competing to be the one that brought him to his knees.
The utter disbelief at Tanwa being there, guilt about the past, his burning anger at himself for being so slow, for Tanwa as always being the one who found him… crushing sadness at these 2 years lost, and happiness…? that couldn’t be there. He daren’t be happy. He didn’t deserve it.
His throat tightened painfully as the tears pushed at the back of his eyes, threatening to flow. His body turned around in a panicked reflex, trying to find a moment, to compose himself? No, that was impossible, he was beyond anything remotely resembling calmness or composure.
All he managed to achieve was convincing himself that this was indeed the reality, that Tanwa was really there, that he hadn’t conjured him up like a phantom out of the lines of the book he was holding.
He faced Tanwa again and saw there was concern on his face now. Trin was taking too long. And he was wondering if he was welcome here, if Trin had wanted to see him.
Trin gulped hard. Mentally cursing himself. Do not fuck this up damn you!
His lips opened and closed uselessly, no words came out. He couldn’t find anything to say, anything that was big enough, meaningful enough, that could do justice to the weight of this moment under the vanilla sky.
The very moment he had longed for with every fibre of his being, the full weight of that realisation knocked the breath out of him. He had ached for this, every single day for the last two very long, terribly painful years.
His brain scrambled hard to find words instead of giving in and doing what he really wanted, cry, weep, sob. For the time lost, for the pain still there, for the guilt of his mistakes.
And for seeing Tanwa again...He could cry just for that alone.
Finally after what felt like a lifetime, nice to meet you, and his hand offered. He wanted to offer his whole being, his whole life. I’m Trin, take me, all of me, I was, am and forever will be, yours.
Would Tanwa take any of him back? Would he want him back? After everything? Or was this just a closure visit? So he could move on with an easy conscience? Trin was too scared to think. He gulped hard again, nervous eyes on Tanwa’s face.
Tanwa held his gaze and.. Smiled. Trin’s breath caught.
His gentle hand slipped in Trin’s and the warmth of it took over his whole body, flowing in his veins, easing his breathing. Trin had been freezing for two years, deprived of that touch, of that love.
I’m Tanwa, and Trin held his hand tight, knuckles turning white, as if his whole life depended on it and in a way, it did.
Trin’s eyes didn’t leave his face, couldn’t leave his face. He wanted to drink him all in, find all the things that had changed, like how his hair didn’t cover any of his face anymore, and all the ones that hadn’t, like that longing look he saw in his eyes now, mirroring his own.
Oh damn…
He leaned in and Tanwa’s lips parted at the same time. Their lips held each other, grounding them both, breathing as one. It wasn’t a romantic kiss, it wasn’t all hunger and rediscovery, they were both too fragile for that. It was a confirmation, comforting eachother in this tender and shaky moment, I’m here, you’re here, I've got you.
Trin pulled back, wanting more, so much more and saw on Tanwa’s face that he wasn't alone in this. That the ache wasn’t just his. Only then did he dare to touch more of Tanwa.
His hand moved to his face, cupping his cheek, the same cheek he had… Oh my love...how could I.. his lips started shaking as holding back tears became even harder.
Tanwa touched his face gently then and that broke his dark reverie, he found his warm eyes on him again, like he had read his mind, ‘I’m right here’ they said ‘come back to me’, and Trin did. To him, to the present, to the book in his hand and the name, by the river as they were.
He pulled Tanwa to a hug, holding him close. His chest felt tight with pressure, his bones trembled. He tightened his arms, closing his eyes and breathing him in.
“You smell the same” came Tanwa’s low soft murmur.
Trin’s breath stuttered.
He pulled his head back, arms still wrapped around Tanwa, not letting go, half worried still that if he did, Tanwa might vanish.
“Can I get you lunch.. A drink.. A coffee? Anything!” His voice was scratched and raw, the knot of withheld tears still firmly lodged in his throat.
“My hotel is around the corner… we could go there?” Tanwa said “they have a cafe” he added.
Trin nodded “lead the way” and slowly, reluctantly, let him go.
They walked the 5 minutes to the cafe in silence. Trin kept stealing glances at Tanwa, at how even his walk was no longer the same. It was more assured, more grounded, less whimsical...
It made his heart twist in chest.
“Here we are” Tanwa’s voice cut through his thoughts. He looked at the lively cafe, there was a slow jazz playing, people were sitting at different tables, smoking, drinking. He wanted to sit there with Tanwa, listen to the music, smoke and drink, like they used to.. but first…
He turned to Tanwa.
“I’ll ask this but please feel free to say no” Tanwa tilted his head a bit and Trin went on
“Could we go to your room? Only it’s too crowded here and I’d like to talk to you…”
Tanwa looked at him confused. “Of course we could go up. Why would I–” he stopped as he realised how nervous Trin really was. His shoulders were rigid and he was shifting the book back and forth in his hands, squeezing it lightly like a stress ball.
“Of course we can” he repeated softer. “This way”
They got the room key from reception and went up. The silent stretched over their walk to the lift, the air between them crackling with anxious energy.
They got off on Tanwa’s floor and walked inside his room.
As soon as the door was closed, Trin turned to face him and his face crumbled in pain.
“Tanwa…” he said his name like a prayer and Tanwa's breath hitched
“I am so sorry…” his voice shook, the weight of all his emotions too immense for it to hold firm any longer.
He stood in the middle of the room, facing Tanwa and looking into his eyes. He wanted him to see everything, every emotion that was now wreaking havoc inside Trin, fraying his nerves, labouring his breath and ripping him apart.
He had stopped hiding his feelings from Tanwa all those years ago, and he wasn’t planning on changing that. Now more than ever, Tanwa deserved to see them all. Trin had little else to offer.
His feet were planted on that one spot, he was not closing the space between them, nor was he going to touch him. He was scared that he'd completely break apart and he needed to get these words out. They were two whole years overdue.
“I'm sorry for that night…for coming at you, blaming you… and for hitting you.. “ his voice was small with shame, but not hesitant, or wavering. He was going to face up to what he did. He owed that to Tanwa, and to himself.
"Trin…" Tanwa sounded pained
Trin fisted his hands by his sides and pressed himself on “it wasn’t really you I was blaming for Victor getting killed.”
That name said out loud, sliced through the air like a whip. They both flinched but Trin didn’t stop.
“I was blaming myself. Why wasn’t I there early enough, I could’ve run faster, and I had seen him, why did I lose sight of him. I saw him make his speech, he waved at me. Why did I let him vanish into the crowds to then find his lifeless body.”
Trin’s frustration at himself was still palpable, but it wasn't what was ruining him now. Not anymore.
“I was angry at you and at my uncle for not telling me sooner, for treating me like a child. To hide things from because what, I couldn’t decide for myself what was right or wrong? I was angry, yes, but the blame for not saving him was all mine, not yours”
His words were pouring out now, he was talking fast through the memories that were rushing to him again. Coming to life like a movie playing in front of his eyes. Of the worst days of his life.
“I realised all of that a few days later.. I came to see you my love.. I came to tell you.“
He saw the surprise on Tanwa’s face. No, of course he didn't know that.
“You were somewhere I couldn’t reach. I watched you from the window, tried hard to step inside. But I didn’t know what to do… what to say..”
“Trin…” Tanwa’s voice was kind, even as his eyes were a shimmering pool of unshed tears.
Trin’s hold on his tears gave away then, in the face of that kindness.
Why did he have to be so kind. Why couldn’t he show him any anger, or ask for any repentance. Why must he always meet Trin with acceptance and warmth. Never asking for payback or even gratitude. Just pure generous kindness. Always given so freely, and in such abundance.
What had Trin ever done to deserve that..
One teardrop slowly rolled down his face, paving the path for the others that followed, burning hot across his cheek and yet, feeling oddly relieved to be let out. He took a slow breath in.
“I should’ve tried harder.. I know that. But I was so hurt and losing Victor brought everything with Claire back, even stronger than before. I couldn’t walk any of the streets around the university or the old town without the buzzing in my ears, or with my breathing intact, I needed to be away. To be somewhere that was familiar and I could sit with my pain and hurt, to try and work it out.”
“I thought of you… every day… I should’ve called you”
Why hadn’t he. He had never moved on from Tanwa. There never was nor was going to be anyone else. He had had the big love of his life and it had failed, he had made his choice, both in loving Tanwa and in destroying what they had. And now he was destined to a life of loneliness, caused by his own decisions and actions. This was what he deserved.
Or so he had told himself. And he believed it.Till right this moment.
“I– I was scared you won’t want to talk to me.. Wouldn’t want to forgive me.. It was easier living in this state of not knowing limbo than knowing for sure. I couldn’t deal with that–”
He came to an abrupt halt as Tanwa’s hands held his face. He hadn’t noticed him walking closer. Even though he had not taken his eyes off Tanwa all of this time.
Trin looked at him through the blurry curtain of tears. And Tanwa's featherlight touch stroked his cheeks tenderly, wiping the tears away.
“Trin… you have nothing to apologise for” his voice was low but the tremor in it was unmissable.
“Yes! I do! You are who I love above all else in life and I hurt you … for something that wasn’t-” Tanwa leaned in and kissed him then.
Trin’s gasp of surprise got lost in their shared breath. He tasted the salt of his own tears, a far away hint of a cigarette, and soon, just Tanwa. Warm and sweet and soft.
Two years might’ve passed but kissing him still stopped every thought and fear in Trin’s brain. The rumble that had started deep inside him since he had heard Tanwa by the bridge, stilled, brought to calmness and tranquility by those tender lips.
Tanwa pulled back then, looked at him and smiled
“Hi~”
Trin glanced at him startled, and then a small huff chuckle escaped him.
“hello”
He put his hand on Tanwa’s, which was still covering his cheek, gently holding it. “I was spiralling…”
Tanwa entangled fingers in his “a bit" his tone warm and gently teasing "And I have so many questions!"
Trin sighed “you and me both...”
Tanwa squeezed his hand “shall we go for a walk?"