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It’s easy to sleep anywhere when the exhaustion gets to you. Touya’s snuck into enough abandoned buildings to crash. He slept on storeroom floors and narrow inner streets. There’s no need for a futon or a blanket, and needing a pillow is laughable in some circles.
He’s not big on comfort. None of them were.
Shigaraki slept mostly during the daytime. Even when they had a proper meeting place or safehouse with more than one of them there, they slept when they could and there was no set place for it. Just…anywhere.
Twice used to snore. Toga used to talk to herself when she slept.
It wasn’t safe in any way. Mostly disruptive, with the noise and the rats. Touya used to use the same ratty old coat as a blanket. But he slept better then than he does now. With his dad in the next room—there for Touya.
Doing his penance.
While Touya doesn’t sleep. On comfortable tatami flooring, and the same setup he had as a kid. A soft pillow for his head.
He’s not tired enough anymore. It’s not like he does anything all day. A condition of him coming back to the family home was that he can’t leave.
He can’t get a new job. His old line of work is…unavailable, let’s say. Now he’s just here. And dad doesn’t treat him the same, not like he wanted.
Everyone looks at him with guilt in their eyes. Fuyumi keeps looking like she’s on the verge of tears every time she sees the state of his skin. Which is the part of him that has healed up the least and it probably won’t ever fully get there. So he wears long sleeved shirts and a t-shirt over that to make it all a bit less gruesome so they can, please, please talk about something else besides how he’s feeling today.
He’s feeling like shit anyway. Every day.
It’s Shouto’s fault that he can’t sleep. It’s Shouto’s fault that he’s back here living some facsimile of a real person’s life. He’s a ghost who doesn’t fit into this body.
So he calls him.
There are several medical monitors strapped to Touya’s body. One of them has a cell connection wired through it and he can use it to call someone in case some of his patched up organs start dying.
A couple days ago Touya figured out how it can be tricked up to place outgoing calls to anyone.
Then yesterday he stole Fuyumi’s phone and found Shouto’s number. Easy pickings. She didn’t even notice it was gone.
And now…his grand finale. It rings only once.
Someone picks up on the other end of the line.
The voice is all scratchy. “...who is this?”
“It’s me, little brother.”
“Natsuo-nii?”
Touya doesn’t think he sounds like Natsuo. “You’re really disappointing me.”
“Touya-nii?” The voice is more sure now, confident. “How are you calling me?”
Another one of the conditions of Touya’s house arrest is that he isn’t allowed a phone, a computer, or unsupervised access to the internet.
“I found a way. How are you?”
“I’m fine,” Shouto says. “Is this urgent?”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Should I ask dad to come in?”
“No, I’m not coding. Don’t send anyone in. Besides, if I die then I die.”
“I’m going to do my best not to let that happen,” Shouto says.
He’s so sincere. He always was. A very sweet, sincere, father-stealing baby.
“I can’t sleep. Entertain me,” Touya demands.
It’s the least Shouto could do.
“I’m not sure what I could do for you,” Shouto says. “Have you tried closing your eyes and trying to clear your mind of thoughts?”
“I’m not trying anymore. I’m staying up now. You’re going to stay up with me.”
He hears a long sigh at the other end of the line. This makes him smile. If there’s one thing he’s good at it’s finding a way to get someone’s attention.
“I’m not a very entertaining person.”
“It’s not like you not to even try. Dad’s big hero,” Touya says.
“That’s not what I am,” Shouto says.
“Mom’s big hero,” Touya tries again. “Right?”
He’s not even trying to be mean. Not really. Or at least, not as mean as he knows he can be. It’s just the only way he can get attention on his own terms. By pushing the right buttons and making people hurt so they can see the way that he does and give him what he wants.
“What happens when you try to sleep?” Shouto asks.
He’s not taking the bait yet. Maybe he will…later. Or maybe Touya will fall asleep listening to him not being entertaining and asking softly sincere questions.
“I think of all the things I could be doing with my life that I never did,” Touya says.
“Oh.”
“You should come over. I think you’d really like it here. Nothing ever happens.”
“You’re bored,” Shouto says. “You want to be like everybody else.”
The speaker is positioned somewhere on Touya’s chest. So it sort of sounds like Shouto’s voice is coming from Touya’s heart.
“I’m better than everybody else,” Touya says defiantly. “I know I am. I’ll show…”
He trails off.
No. No, that’s not who he’s talking to.
“I know,” Shouto says. “I believe in you.”
Touya sighs. It’s possible no one else in Shouto’s life will tell him this. So maybe it’s advice that can only come to him from Touya. The wisdom of an older brother.
“You’re really bad at knowing when to give up,” he says. “Like really bad.”
“I’m not giving up on this,” Shouto says. “Even if you call me every night.”
“There’s no need,” Touya says. “You could live your life without me. You’re all set now. You and your little friends.”
“Sometimes I think…we could be friends too,” Shouto says. “Like you were friends with the League.”
“That was business,” Touya corrects him. “And don’t stand around and kid yourself. You don’t want to be my friend. You want to fix me. You feel bad.”
“I’m not standing around,” Shouto says. “I was fast asleep when you called. I’m still lying down. I don’t feel any of those things you think I do.”
“Sure. Whatever. Tell me how you really feel.”
“Annoyed. Because I wanted to sleep,” Shouto says.
“Am I supposed to care?”
“No. That’s completely up to you.”
“Okay,” Touya says. “Sleep then. I won’t bother you.”
He cuts the line. Sleep still doesn’t come. He can’t even cry anymore because of his burnt tear ducts and some other thing some doctor explained that he wasn’t paying attention to. He’s just…here. Alone.
He hopes, selfishly, that Shouto can’t fall asleep again too.
*
Shouto’s home tomorrow. He looks terrible. Like he didn’t sleep at all. It’s a school day.
Is he missing school for this? To see Touya. Remarkable. The lack of self-preservation on this kid. It’s almost stupid. But Touya’s bored and Fuyumi cries when he tries to mess with her even in little ways. And Mom is someone he never knew how to talk to even as a kid.
He’s on the outs with Natsuo for now, mostly because he doesn’t want to get in the way of him having a life away from all of this. Natsuo’s done the best job cutting the cord. Cutting his losses with this family. The way Shouto won’t.
“I’ve brought things,” Shouto says. “Video games and board games.”
“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Touya asks. “You’re quite the delinquent.”
“Maybe I take after you.”
“I doubt that,” Touya says.
“We could play this one,” Shouto puts the disk case into his hand.
“Eraser really let you out so you could play games?”
Shouto looks a bit twitchy. “Actually, I…”
“You didn’t tell him,” Touya smirks. “Oh you’re going to be in so much trouble.”
“I said I had an emergency.”
“You’re a really bad liar,” Touya tsks. “I see right through you.”
“I don’t see how you could.”
“Let me teach you how to lie,” Touya stretches his arms out and cracks his knuckles.
It hurts more than he expected it too. Like most of the time when he tries to use his body at all. Shouto catches him grimacing and tries to reach for him before stopping short. As if there’s something he could do.
“I don’t think knowing how to lie is a good thing?” Shouto says.
“It is,” Touya says. “Trust me. You wanna be my friend, right? This is what I do with my friends. I teach them my tricks.”
“I thought you said you and the League were just business.”
“Forget that,” Touya says.
They’re sitting across from each other. Legs-crossed, on the tatami floor. There’s a bit of light coming in from the window to this room. They can see out to the courtyard outside. Dad’s out for a few hours like he normally is around midday.
“If you want to lie, you need to believe the lie,” Touya explains. “So like you for example. You need to convince yourself that coming here really is an emergency.”
“I don’t see how that makes me more convincing,” Shouto says. “Are you sure this works?”
“How many people did I convince that I was Dabi?” Touya waves his hand with an air of cold dismissal. “Please. I’m the master.”
“So you really believed it,” Shouto says. “That you weren’t Touya anymore.”
“I had to,” Touya explains.
“Okay,” Shouto says. “Should I try now?”
“Let’s make this fun. You tell me a few things and I’ll catch you when you’re lying,” Touya decides.
“Like a game,” Shouto says.
“You want to play or not?”
Shouto nods. “Let me think.”
Touya waits.
This is the most fun he’s had in months. He looks at the stack of disk cases and the cardboard box that he suspects might contain even more of them. Shigaraki liked gaming, not Touya. He wonders who suggested it to Shouto…or whether the plan was a Shouto original. There’s no telling how this kid thinks.
“I hate soba. The texture isn’t nice. I like rice cakes. I don’t like the rain at all.”
“They’re all lies,” Touya says. “Except maybe the middle one?”
“I don’t like rice cakes.”
“That was the best one,” Touya says. “First one you said too much. Last one you sounded noncommittal.”
“Your turn.”
“No, I’m the teacher here,” Touya says. “And this is my room. My rules.”
Shouto looks around. “This used to be my room. It’s the one closest to dad.”
“Yeah and it was mine before that.”
Shouto nods. He maintains his perfect posture. Stiff, straight back. Touya remembers a game he used to play with Natsuo, poking each other in the ribs and seeing who could keep from folding. He could catch Shouto off guard with it now, but he can’t move like that anymore without making something hurt or tearing at his stitches somewhere.
It’s too bad.
When Natsuo was too little to play some of the video games Touya liked, he would sit next to him and watch. It was nice to have an audience, particularly one so easily impressed. Like kids tend to be. It was mostly hero games then, to match Touya’s dreams. He remembers not letting Fuyumi play, because fighting games weren't for girls.
She used to cry and get mom like the little tattletale she is. There was no Shouto then. Things were almost good.
“You can play one of these games and I’ll watch you,” Touya says.
He doesn’t do a lot of writing because it makes his hands ache so much he starts to sweat. With a controller or a keyboard it might be the same thing. Which is fine sometimes. Just not today.
“Okay,” Shouto starts setting things up.
He takes out a laptop from his bag. Slides in a random disk about zombies hunting and the apocalypse.
“I’m just wondering. Did you pick that one to mock me?” Touya asks.
“Why would that be mocking you?” Shouto looks at the case, at the artistic rendition of a zombie jumping out of a grave with its hand outstretched.
“You really don’t see it,” Touya taps the cover. “It’s me.”
“It’s a zombie.”
“I’m a zombie,” Touya sighs. “I came back from the dead.”
Shouto looks at him, then back to the disk case. “Your skull is intact.”
Then he reads the back. “This says they eat brains.”
“What if I only told you my favorite food is soba, what if I really eat brains?” Touya asks.
“I’m not that naive,” Shouto says. “You’re not a zombie, Touya-nii.”
Shouto ends up playing the game better than Touya expected he would. He sits there, in Natsuo’s old place, watching Shouto explore underground bunkers and stock up on ammo. Shouto’s nicer than Touya used to be, because he actually asks Touya for suggestions on what he should do next. Touya used to just do whatever he wanted.
After watching for about an hour, Touya starts to get kind of tired. Shouto seems to be having fun though and he doesn’t feel the need to stop him. So he just lies down and puts his head down on the floor.
He once fell asleep during one of Shigaraki’s interrogations. He’s not even sure if the guy lived or died. Maybe it’s the sound of things being disintegrated in the game that take him back to that familiar place.
“Touya-nii?”
“I’ll tell you what I told Shigaraki,” Touya says. “Wake me up if you need someone burned alive. Or not at all.”
*
Shouto comes back. He comes back often enough to play through a bunch of games. Touya doesn’t even find them that interesting, the storylines. But his life is boring enough that this is the highlight of it.
There’s even a side benefit to having Shouto around. Being able to talk to dad about Shouto, and making him jealous. Because Shouto will come to spend time with Touya, but not with dad. Which is interesting to toy around with, another button to push.
“You never talk about your little friends,” Touya says.
“They’re not little,” Shouto says.
“I’m sorry. Your big friends.”
“They’re my age,” Shouto says. “I’m barely the youngest.”
“So you’re just the baby everywhere you go,” Touya says. “That’s very lucky.”
Shouto pauses the game. “You’ve already met some of my friends.”
“Do you think I’ll break out of here and hurt them if you say too much?” Touya asks.
“No, but you might remember that your own friends are…not with you.”
“That was business,” Touya says. “How many times do I need to tell you?”
“I know someone else who doesn’t like to admit to friendship, but I know it when I see it,” Shouto says.
“Bakugou?” Touya asks, a little interested. “You and him aren’t a little better than friends?”
“We’re good friends,” Shouto says, and he’s…he’s missed the implication completely. “Were you and Hawks…better than friends?”
Or maybe he hasn’t. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Little siblings. So nosy.
*
“I could sleep over,” Shouto offers. “To entertain you while you don’t sleep.”
“So you can be a big hero?” Touya taunts.
It’s a familiar one but Shouto’s never taken it.
“Because we’re friends,” Shouto says. “This is what I would do for one of my friends.”
“We really aren’t friends,” Touya says gently, because this kid is never gonna let this go. “I’m your brother and that makes you think you have to care about me…but you don’t.”
“You’re lying,” Shouto says. “You don’t really believe what you’re saying.”
Touya doesn’t get this need to be friends. Doesn’t this kid have a lot of friends now?
“You’re not scared I’ll throttle you in the night? If you sleep over here,” Touya says.
“I think we’re over that.”
He seems so sure. And in fairness…he doesn’t need to be wary of Touya. He’s stronger. He was…when the war ended and he’s even stronger now. As much as it hurts to know that in Touya’s bones. To admit it.
It was never a real match-up. Touya only held out because he didn’t mind using himself as collateral damage. But Shouto always had something to live for. So he wouldn’t go as far. Lose himself.
“I really hate you, you know,” Touya says. “For all of this.”
“I know,” Shouto shrugs. “If you told me you loved me, I’d probably think you were having a cognitive lapse substantial enough to require medical attention.”
“I’m glad we understand each other.”
“Me too.”
*
Shouto puts his futon next to Touya’s and it reminds him of setting up for bed with Natsuo. Shouto’s much neater than either of them were. He also doesn’t fall asleep as soon as he gets into bed.
“I have trouble falling asleep too,” Shouto says, as if he’s explaining.
He’s staring up at the ceiling in the same exact pose Touya’s in, flat on his back, playing with his hands. It wasn’t even an intentional copy, or Touya doesn’t think it was. They both just did the same thing.
“Maybe you should try closing your eyes and clearing the thoughts from your head?” Touya echoes back mockingly.
“They come back.”
“What kind of thoughts?”
“Mostly about mom,” Shouto says.
“I don’t get your thing with mom,” Touya says. “She never did shit for me. I know what she did to you. Why are you still so attached?”
This makes Shouto sit up. He finally takes the bait and Touya wasn’t even trying to get him that time.
“That wasn’t her fault,” Shouto says, and he looks…his voice is so cold and rigid and small. “She didn’t want to hurt me. Take it back.”
Flames are starting to lick at one side of his face.
“Take it back,” he repeats.
“I never said she wanted to,” Touya says. “She was always cuddling you and fussing over you. She just snapped and no one thinks it has anything to do with you.”
Wait.
“Do you think it has something to do with you?” Touya wonders. “If anything…it’s because of me and what I did. That side of your face…it looks like me. That’s what I used to look like.”
There’s a part of him that’s always been missing. The instinct that he should have had to protect Shouto in any way, because he’s the baby and Touya is the oldest. It’s been missing for so long so he can’t really tell…but maybe it’s somewhere in his fighting the natural urge to twist the knife.
“I knew her back then better than you,” Touya says. “She never let me get at you. You were too precious to her. You still are. I can tell.”
“How do I know you’re not lying to me?” Shouto asks, but he lies back down again.
He turns to his other side. His back is to Touya. Natsuo used to do this to signal that he didn’t want to talk anymore and that Touya should leave him alone and go to sleep.
“I don’t feel like hurting you right now,” Touya admits. “It’s weird for me.”
“Thank you,” Shouto says.
Touya reaches out and pokes him in the ribs.