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Can't Take my Eyes Off of U bbg

Summary:

Dan and Phil have had endless Skype calls and its October 19th 2009 and theyr'e finally ready to meet. They ultimately decide that they are going to watch Heated Rivalry because Yuri on Ice never got a season two. They are absolutely mad so they are ready to bang.

Notes:

Thank you so much to dizzy and everyone who bullied and threw yoghurt at us us when we watched phan. ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:



It was the 19th of October …. The year was … 2025… Dan and Phil just hard-launched and they’re celebrating their beautiful 16 years together… Yeah, they just hard launched, in case you did nt know, but nothin really changed fr like whatever bruh i mena yay. They decided to record a very normal video. It was about boys ovulating and giving birth… bc they wanted to teach the viewers that feminism(omega-ism) goes both ways… So they started pullin out the dildos for a live demonstration. And then phil accidentally got preganant because they forgot the condoms. And then Phil used an illegal website to pirate the Sims because he doesn’t want to give money to republicans. But he got a porno ad pop up that was kind og gay …. Or one may say …. Very homoesexual…. IT WAS HEATED RIVARLY!!!!!

 

“Dan… look at that sexy man with the big … you know what…” said the british man who 38 years old (in 2025)

 

“Wtf phil i though u only had eyes for me” said the 34 year old (in 2025)

 

“Oh yeah sorry i forgot we hard launched” said the man with questionably blue eyes

 

“Fuck you” d is for dick says

 

“Yes pls” p is for penis says bak

 

“IM GOING TO CLICK ON THE AD I WANTR TO EXPERIENCE THE BEST ORGANISM OF MY LIFE!!!!”

 

“Fuck u what r u tryan say phil??? 16 years for what?”

 

“Sorry”

 

“K”

 

So… Phan decided to watch porn. Hockey porn. They reeeaally wanted to see hockey playes shove sticks up each others asses. And not THOSE sticks. The hamster started squeakin as soon as it saw that. It knew what was coming. (and it wasnr phan)

 

“🤤”

 

“Dios mio… Dios motherfucking mio… voy a tener el mismo destino del hamster. No quiero el candybar en mi cullo. DIOS MOTHERFUCKER” said the hamster. **SQUEAAAAAK* said tha hamster,

 

“WAIT WHAT THE HELL???” screamed daniel howell best selling author of you will ge through this night.

 

“Wait a minute… is that… Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III???” philip lester said

 

“IS THAT JACK FROST???? OH MY GOD>>>”

 

“Whats uup guys its me hiccup and im about to get absoufuck myself on my peg leg i mean no wait jack frost is here i got smtn better. FUCKL MENOW!”

 

“Oh hey babe its me jack dawson… i was jst at the mickey mouse club house… hanging out with.. Goofy, you knoe.. Like onr does.. Diggity dawg”

 

“I wan to bottom” hiccup moaned

 

“K” jack said

Hiccup takes jacks pants of and wtf why is it cold. At this point mayube i want the peg leg bruh, or maybe jacks staff with the curve fr.

 

“Built in stimulating lube” said jack. 

 

“So hot” (but its cold bruh)

 

“I wish it was goofy rubbing my candy bar rn jack thought”

 

“Excuse me io can hear you” 🙁

 

“WAIT PHIL THAT JACK GUY LOOKS LIKE YOU!!!” DAN SAID VERY CALMLY

 

“But im bottom”

 

“Oh right… ho…ha”

 

“WHATY DFIDF YOU JUST SAY”

 

“I mean…. Ugh this is the best porno ive ever watched unpause it phil”

 

“Ok…..” phil said “I sense there is a mickey mouse among us///”

The hamster squealed louder, he did not want to see another rodent. The other rodent would commit unspeakable actions against one another if it were to be true. 

 

Jack shoved it in. toothless looked over, he knew what was up fr, he totally wanted to join in but language divide yk. Yeah and nothing else…. Thats the only problem here

 

“OH YEAH BABY HARDER” hiccup whispers

 

“What the fuck r u making me watch phil”

 

“Shut up before u become the next hamster to my pheal”

 

Bichen and E-ming have hot sex as swords in the back cuz thats what swords do despite having feelings for Wei Wuxian and Xie Lian.

 

Jack continues doing the deed and every time he breathes he says ho ha…. Hiccup lwk was kinda worried but hey its not like he gets bitches so yk what its fine that his partner has some quirks. 

 

“Phil…. Why is he saying ho … ha?

 

“HO HA HO HA HO HA!!!” whispers phul

 

“WHAT???? PHIL ARE YOU OVULATING AGAIN??? PLEASE NO I DANT TAKE IT ANYMR IM RUN DRY”

 

“NO IM IN LABOR!!! HO HA ”

“OH MY GOD”

 

“ITS CUMMING OUT”

 

“Whats up guys im lorass. Let me twerk it for you baby”

 

“Whys it hairy bruh”

It bears a rather striking resemblance to my hairy pelotas.

 

 

“ WAOIT DAN I FEEL ANOTHER THING CUMMING OUT” 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

“No phil thats just the dildo from the video…. OR IS IT BICHEN” 

 

“OH NGOD HELP” 

 

“Hey guys its me the bisexuall./. Io m,ean shakespeare… let me shake my spear for you helicopter” 🚁

 

Shakespeare is an omega that was already impregnated by the Lorass in the womb so he births children at this moment. 

“O heavens! I do bring forth Hamlet... Marry, behold this comely mustachio'd man! Forsooth, is't from the lorASS??? I do also bring forth Iago? What a sodomite, pray he hath not a doomed yaoi. O sweet Lord, another birth? Is this fair maid Juliet? Zounds, what child is this? Who is this vile knave that did lie with Cheeto the cat? Shane Dawson? O me cannot stop ho ha-ing!”

 

Juliets first words were: “ho ha” EN ESPANOL!!!

 

“NOOOO THEYRE NOT MOANS” phil screamed

Dont worry the other children are screaming that means tehyr ehealth :DDDD awwww

 

da n continues to watch the movie… and hes getting really excited… he looks at the hamster….the hamster, Shang Qinghua, fucking chilla por ayuda y piensa que cumplane no es real. Moshang necesita vivir entonces el chilla muy fucking fuerte con la esperanza que su rey va a escucharlo y ayudar a el. 

 

“DAMN IT DANNOT AGAIN” the millennial screamed

 

“Little kandi raver shes my number one and every time I see her moving shes always having fun shes my little kandi raver see her shake her thing I love to see her dance and I love to hear her sing!!” says Cheeto the cat.

 

SHane Dawgson also expresses his opinion to fuck. He wants to fuck the dragon in the ad. 



Dan and phil continue to watch hiccup and jack frost bang like theres no tomorrow… 

 

“We should have hard launched like this” dan whimpers

 

Toothless feels Shane Dawgsons lust for him. He knows what to do. Toothless starts ho ha ing. 

 

Juliet doesn’t wanna be here no more, these guys are freaks. She prays to see Romeo and starts ho ha ing. 

Yo wtf they swapped lets go. Horny dreams come true. Juliet is like lets fucking go yeha there are these fuckers fucking on the floor but thats fine imma go fuck romeo and his dead ass. 

 

😏” says toothless to shane dawson. 

 

Shane dawgson shares the sentiment with Toothless and they get down and dirty. Cheeto the cat sees the opportunity to run from his abuser and takes Shang Qinghua the hamster with him. 

 

Crazy shit tho, Shen Qingqiu knows that Mobei Jun cant ride swords,,, yeah bichen im sorry there. (bichen wouldnt mind fucking shen qingqiu too hes so hot holy shit nah but nobodys better than my bbg chu wanning) So he brings Mobei Jun to save Qinghua and be Jack Frost 2. Holy shit though Mobei Jun and his abusive ass lets Cheeto go but brings the hamster back to the scene of the crime.

“SUELTAME POR FAVOR NO ENTIENDES!! MI REY POR FAVOR HOLY FUCKING SHIT POR FAVOR NO QUIERO UNA PEPINO EN MI CULLO O PEOR, UNA PEPINO REAL!!!”

 

Mobei jun is unphased and is like wtf this isnt Qinghua okay wtever!!!! So he throws him back.




“😩😩😩😩😩😩😩” says Shane Dawgson as Toothless, true to his name, uses his toothless technique on him. 

 

“Ugh so smooth”

 

“🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮” says toothless cuz wtf thsi sht aint fish. It’s an eel… Maybe he gotta throw a flamethrower at it. 

 

I think i gotta kill this guy thinks toothless. Damn. toothless really wants to be with Hiccup and 

he js cant so in his rage he flames up shane dawgson. 

 

“AAAAAAA HO HO HO HO HA?? AHHAHAAA HO HA HO HA” were shane Dawgsons last words. 

 

Thank god bruh that guy had a tiny dick, anyway, to continue with omegaverse pregnancy…

 

“I have post partum depression” dan say

 

“U didnt even give birth… anbyway lets get to work be i have post partum HONRY”

 

“Ok. i consent!!!!’ dan said

 

“I consent as well” phil screamed

 

“I DONT.” THE PHEALYELLED

 

Dan and phiul looked at each other then back at pheal with an amazing idea… and then pheal looked at the hamster… and the hamster just looked at dan in pure horror…. Dan just drooled

 

“Get the lube.” phil said in a monotone british voice.

 

“Pheal?” hamster (shang Qinghua) said

 

“Konichiwa” phey said



“Oh never mind…. Just know… it stinks up there ok?”

 

“WHAT????” DICE HAMSTER 

 

“ OPH SO NOW YOU CAN SPEAK ENGLISH”

 

“HO HA IM TRANSFORMING”

 

“Dont worry pheal thats just something called puberty” phil said

 

“MICKErY HOUSE????” 🐭

🐭🐭🐭

🐭




Wait random thing, jack finally spills his milk in hiccup and hiccup is like bro whys it cold ew im done here but he cant walk cuz hes missing a leg so,,,,

 

“ITS CALLED MILK FOR A REASON wait why is it brown… lemme drink” 🍼🍼🍼🍼🍼

 

“Chocolate milk:333?,,, thats not chocolate milk,,, thats disguting bruh” 

 

“Sorry i got a colonoscopy and a catheter done at the same time and then they mixed up the tubes”

 

“Its ok its not as bad as getting fucked by tothles” 👍

 

“Show me what that tail can do”

 

“Which one?😏”

 

The peg leg.”

 

:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (hes opening his mouth for the peg leg)

 

Bro

 

Listen

 

My mom

Is like

Right outside my door

 

And im so fuckig scared

 

Shes cleaning the litter box

Act cool

Keep this part in for final publishing

 Bro this is like the clip when mom finds the yaoi ykwm 

Ok yes but they actually did find my dan and phil and banana fish yaoi stashg

Bro wdym thats like public display in ur room bro

FUCK YOU

Literally

If you let me meet the cats one day

B ro avoided the topic damn

Kiss me 

 

I think she left

Ok fine jesus christ 



Ok anyway then they leave this whole situation and go to the hospital bc they want more kids (mormon style) but what ever they do.. They cant get preganannat again

 

Phils asshol

 

“Thats it. Im going to get surgery” dan says

 

“What for what ur beautiful just the way u r”

 

“Brb”

 

“K”

 

Dan came back with a pair of pants that has a third leg hole….

 

Phil is confused and just wants to get preganant already but dan seems to be playing hard to get AGAIN!!!!!!!!

 

DAN RIPS HIS PANTS OFF

“WHATY THE FUCK IS THAT??”

“A king sized mikley way”

 

“Waht lille the guy from my chemical romance?”

 

“36 inches to be exact” because i like 36

 

“Can u put it inmy ear hole its itchy”

 

“Ok”

 

*organism*

 

Tom from eddsworld is their doctor. “Guys, dans surgery was a success!!!”

 

“Wait where did u get all this candy bar anyway?” phil pondered

 

“look under ur pants, phil..”

 

“DAN WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DID THIUS HAPPEN. Where THE FUCK IS IT DAN. DAN. DNA ., DEOXYRIBONUCLEIC ACID.”

 

“U see phil… wen shane dawgson and toothless were… ho haing… and u were giving birth…and…”

 

“OH MY GOD THIS IS WHY  I CANT GET PREG”

 

‘WAIT PHIL I NEED -.”



aND THEN DAN JUST GOT FED UP WITH PHEALS SHIT SO HE THREW A BOMB AT PHEM

 

KAPOW

 

“NOOOOO ITS PEARL HARBOR ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK MY LIFE” PHIL MOANED 

 

And then everyone had sexx and died. The end.








Notes:

Moral of the story:
Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die.