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It takes him nearly a week before he adjusts; before he can look at their faces without shutting down. It also takes him a week to realize what he’s always ignored— his teammates are people. Not just nightmares in his head, not just names on stone. Living, breathing people.
It starts with Minato-sensei. He’s the one who had stuck around the longest, after all, so it’s almost easy comparatively to fall back into that familiar rhythm. Cheerful congratulations, a warm hand on his head, constant invites to dinners and family game nights. All things he had taken for granted before, but afterwards had so sorely missed.
Minato is everything he remembers and more. The Sharingan is a tool that grants him a perfect memory, each moment preserved in crystal clarity forever. Still, he can’t help but take note when Minato huffs out a breath at Kushina’s clumsiness, when he reaches out and hesitates slightly before ruffling Kakashi’s hair.
His sensei is still a man. He has his tics, and a temper, and a whole life inside his head. Kakashi has always known that, but having surpassed him in age a long time ago – well, something about it is opening Kakashi’s eyes in a way they’d never been opened before.
Obito is another thing entirely.
If Minato was easy, then Obito is ten times worse. He can’t even listen to him at first. He stands there, expression frozen, as Obito trips and flails and rambles on about a bunch of kittens falling into the river. He can hear his own words echoing back in his ears, then another Obito’s ringing even past that. Obito snaps out an accusation, and Kakashi can barely manage the stiff retort he sends in return.
Can he even remember a day when he wasn’t mourning Obito? Can he recall a time when he wasn’t standing at the Memorial Stone, mouth half moving, apologies and reminiscences spilling past his lips?
Kakashi had always honoured Obito in a manner unlike anyone else. Housed at the very front of his memory were those words, something wise and precious and true, that had served as Kakashi’s guidance for the rest of his life. He had emulated Obito in all ways, moulding himself into some distant facsimile. It had happened so absently. Kakashi had never examined why he’d done it. Maybe it was some attempt at rewriting himself to pay his penance. Maybe it was some desperate grasp towards keeping Obito’s spirit living on.
In either case, Kakashi is now thirty going on twelve, and he’s never felt this overturned since that day at the bridge.
Just as Minato is just a man, Obito is just a boy. A hero in Kakashi’s mind’s eye, yes, but in person? He’s twelve. He’s stupid, and selfish, and picks fights for no reason at all. He’s immature and completely unsubtle, and jealous and reckless.
He’s still Obito. He’s kind at heart, and he will always be Kakashi’s hero.
But now that he’s more than the hazy image Kakashi had upheld, he can finally see him for real.
Kakashi survives the first week by the skin of his teeth. Once he’s stopped shutting off and shutting down, he can finally examine his situation. He doesn’t even know how he got here. He’d thought he’d died when the last of his chakra had slipped from his burning eye, Pein staring into his broken body as his life slipped away.
And yet here he is.
If he’s back at age twelve when he’s supposed to be dead, there must be a reason for it, right? He must be meant to do something. To save someone. To put things right.
Kakashi doesn’t know exactly what his role is supposed to be, but he knows he won’t let his team end up the same way again.
It’s hard to play the role of the standoffish brat that he used to be. So he doesn’t. He never wanted to anyway– just thinking about the person he used to be makes him want to claw his own face off. Instead, he shifts himself gradually, just enough to avoid arousing suspicion. He stops the derisive comments. Tries to connect instead of scorn.
This is easier said than done. By the end of the third day, Minato has asked him if he’s feeling alright at least five times, and Obito has repeatedly told him how weird he’s acting for even twice that. The only person who hasn’t said anything is… Rin.
“How’s your grandmother?” Kakashi asks before practice.
“Why the hell do you want to know?” Obito sputters.
“I saw her this morning! She’s doing well,” Rin smiles.
“You’ve almost got it. You need to focus more on shaping the chakra through the hand signs,” Kakashi advises during training.
“...You’re not just trying to mess me up, are you?” Obito asks suspiciously.
“Thank you, Kakashi! That’s very helpful,” Rin cheers.
Kakashi changes, and the rest of his teammates poke and prod and shift in response.
Rin though? She remains exactly the same.
Kakashi never knew Rin all that well, to be perfectly honest. He had never been interested in making connections before, too focused on training and detaching himself from everyone and everything. And then afterwards… Rin was there, yes, but even as he had tried to watch over her for Obito, everything had been coated in that endless grey. Through all his watching, he hadn’t really watched at all.
Kakashi knows Rin enough, though. Surely he does. She was his teammate, the sweet, smiling girl that he had failed to protect. Still, he examines her at lunchtime. Watches as she offers him a packet of rice, and sees how Obito fumes and then sputters when Kakashi takes her up on it with a quiet thanks. Rin’s smile remains. No surprise, no widening at the corners. Is she just naturally placid, or has it always looked this fixed in place?
It unsettles him. It intrigues him. Just as with Obito and Minato, Nohara Rin is a person too. He resolves to find Rin, the girl, hiding behind Rin, the ghost that she had been for so long.
With Obito, it comes whether he’s watching for it or not. Now that Kakashi isn’t actively avoiding them, it’s hard to miss Obito’s constant updates, his every thought and feeling spoken to the world aloud. Soon, Kakashi can recite his likes and dislikes, his favourite soup and most frightening bug, the pain of laundry folding and the worst sushi restaurant.
With Rin, it’s different.
It’s not that she doesn’t talk. She does. Always in that same tone, in that demure but cheerful manner of hers. Her close-eyed smile rarely leaves her face. Kakashi can’t help but superpose another image overtop. Lips bloody, chin dripping; eyes wild and haunting.
What would it take, to bring her from here to there? It’s an obvious answer. Her death, he supposes. Something heart-wrenching and adrenaline-pumping, where fear and regret and horror were all intermingled into one final gasp. But…
Kakashi closes his eyes and plays it back.
…No, that hadn’t been fear that had reflected back from her eyes.
He starts slow. When Obito brings treats to practice, presenting the red bean dango to her with a flourish and declaring that, of course he remembered her favourite, Kakashi turns to her.
“Why do you like that one?”
There’s a stilling to her smile. Is that possible? Can something produced from joy simply lock itself in place? “Well, it’s sweet!” She laughs lightly. “I like the sweet ones.”
“The other ones are sweet too,” Kakashi points out. All dango is sweet. That’s why he doesn’t like it.
Rin’s eyes don’t narrow, but he somehow gets the impression all the same. “It’s my favourite flavour! Obito always gets this one for me.”
“That’s right!” Obito interjects. “It’s always been her favourite! Ever since we were little. Right, Rin-chan?”
“Mm.” Rin nods, close-eyed again. “You’re very thoughtful, Obito!” And that’s the end of that conversation.
So she’s polite. Or she just doesn’t know. Kakashi probably wouldn’t know what to say if he were pressed on reasons for liking eggplant. He tries again.
“Are you going to do things with your clan for Obon?” The Festival of Ghosts is coming up, and most clans hold at least some sort of ceremonial event. Kakashi can vaguely remember his father leading him in ritual, in what feels like a hundred years ago now.
Rin glances at him, tipping her head kindly as she pauses in her packing. “We do the offerings and traditional dances. Do you have any plans?” She turns the question back at him.
Kakashi used to spend Obon the same way he always did. Standing at the memorial stone. There’s no point anymore, though.
“No.”
He pauses. Obito had spent the morning talking about it at length, decrying it as weird and creepy, but the bonfires are cool, though. “What do you think about the festival?”
“I think it’s important to honour our ancestors,” Rin murmurs vaguely.
“Is that how you feel about the dead?” Kakashi asks, truly curious for once. “That we should honour them.” He’s not sure if he’s ever done that himself. He’d spent so much of his life in graveyards, standing over the names of his loved ones, but he’s not sure if he would ever have called it honouring.
Rin is silent for a long moment. An unnatural long moment. There’s something about it that almost makes him want to lean forward, to catch her eye and hold that ever-fleeting gaze.
“...the dead don’t care.”
Kakashi blinks. “Pardon?”
“Whether you honour them or not. Why should they bother to care? They can’t do anything to change it.”
And that’s just so… not what he had been expecting from her that he doesn’t even know what to respond. He opens his mouth, then rewrites his thoughts, then tries to speak again, but it’s already too late.
“I hope you have a nice Obon Festival,” Rin says. She gives him a cheerful wave and walks away.
Kakashi tries again and again, but he never finds anything. He’s not even sure himself what he’s looking for. He’s just spinning Rin around, over and over in his head, trying to pick out something from the perfect girl she is. Maybe he wants to save her a second way. He’ll save her life, of course he will, but to truly repent, to truly make his team whole, he has to know her in the way he never bothered to before.
Kakashi opens up. Rin never does. He wonders how Obito never noticed. They’re together all the time, aren’t they? Haven’t they been friends since childhood? So why, then, does she never seem to talk about herself? Why haven’t they been to her house? Why has no one ever seen her parents?
Throughout it all, she’s the same Rin, smiling and perfect and whole.
Maybe it’s her crush. She liked him, didn’t she? A childhood crush, much like Sakura on Sasuke, but far more sedate, thank Kami. Still, Kakashi had seen how girls seemed to change for boys they liked. Was it that? Was she trying to be sweet and kind just for him?
No, that couldn’t be it. Rin had always been like that. Still, when another festival rolls around and she asks him if he wants to go to the night market with her, he decides he needs to do something before breaking her heart for real.
It’s a very awkward conversation. Kakashi has never been good at things like this, and he clearly hasn’t miraculously gotten any better.
“You should go with Obito,” he says. He’s too well-trained to fidget, but it’s never been so hard to resist. “I think he’d really enjoy it. You’d have a good time together.”
“I spend lots of time with Obito,” Rin reassures him. “I just thought you might enjoy doing something fun outside of training!”
“Ah.” Kakashi lets out a slow exhale through his nose. “Well, I wouldn’t be opposed. I just thought I should let you know that… I don’t have much time for more personal relationships.” That sounded really bad, didn’t it? Backtrack. Fast. “I enjoy spending time with you, Rin, but I appreciate our relationship as friends and teammates.”
Rin blinks. “Kakashi, are you trying to turn down my feelings for you?”
He’s somewhat relieved she’s just said it aloud. “Yes,” he says. Then, “I’m sorry–”
“No, don’t be sorry.” She gives him a slight smile, albeit a smaller one. “I understand how you feel. It might be a little upsetting to hear, but I’ll get over it. We’ll still be friends.”
He didn’t want to upset her. He had wanted to avoid that. Still though, when he tries to catch her gaze, tries to hold it–
She doesn’t look upset at all.
Rin might be a mystery to him, but he doesn’t have time to focus on it. There are other things he needs to plan for. Kakashi comes to training as a freshly graduated jounin, with his teammates holding out gifts. Gifts. Obito has brought him something this time, a bottle of quality Uchiha sharpening oil, which he hands out with the declaration that soon it’ll be Kakashi’s turn to give him a graduation gift. It’s a thoughtful present. His left eye throbs in its socket all the same.
There’s a familiar-looking kunai dangling from the tips of Minato’s fingers. An even more familiar-looking scroll is held lightly in his left hand. Kakashi swallows invisibly.
“We have a mission, Sensei?”
Minato smiles. “Yes, that’s right. We’re being sent out on a sabotage mission. Well, I say we. What I mean is you. Congratulations, Kakashi. This will be your first mission in command as a jounin.”
The first time, the sentence had sent flickers of pride tingling down his spine. That sensation is completely missing now. “What’s the mission?” He asks, clipped.
The scroll unfurls as Minato passes it over. “Kannabi Bridge is an important trade route carrying the majority of Iwa’s line of supply. Your task is to destroy it to prevent it from being used. It’s an extremely vital mission, and I have full faith that the three of you will be able to carry it out successfully.”
Kakashi has been planning this for months. He still can’t help the tightness in his throat as he responds. “Thank you for your trust, Minato-sensei. But it is my belief that a mission on this scale is too important to be entrusted to us. I don’t feel I’m ready to lead it as my first mission. In my opinion, it would be best for Konoha to have a more experienced squad complete it.”
Minato looks completely surprised. Obito does too. They both open their mouths to say something, what, he doesn’t know–
But to his surprise, it’s Rin who speaks up first.
“We need to take this mission.”
Three heads swivel towards her. “Rin-chan…?” Obito says tentatively.
Her voice had previously come out strangely toneless. She ducks her head, and the familiar cheer reenters it. “I know you might be worried, Kakashi, but you made it as jounin for a reason. I believe in you! I know we can take this mission and everything will go to plan.”
“That’s right,” Minato says, nodding. “You’re talented, Kakashi. I’m surprised you’re doubting yourself like this. The mission may be important, but it wasn’t given to you without regard for your skills. Both I and the Hokage know that you all can handle it.”
“Yeah, Bakakashi,” Obito adds, arms crossed. “You never act like this! C’mon! Of course we can do it!”
His first plan, foiled. Kakashi steadies his breathing and meets Minato’s gaze. “Alright. We’ll take the mission.”
Things actually do go well. Kakashi isn’t the young, reckless shinobi he used to be. He may not be able to properly use Chidori anymore, but he’s had over fifteen years of experience since he was last on this mission. Of course he’s able to hold his own.
Kakashi isn’t injured. Minato splits from the squad. They make it all the way through the day without any incident, but it’s during the night watch, when Kakashi finally closes his eyes, that Rin is kidnapped.
He shouldn’t have slept. He shouldn’t have assumed things would actually be okay. “We need to go after her!” Obito yells, and Kakashi’s already running after her trail. It’s easy to track, doubly so because she’s clearly been brought to the exact same location as before. When the Iwa-nin attack, Kakashi shows no mercy. He may be smaller and weaker, but there’s no chakra drain anymore, and he hasn’t been training all day, every day for nothing.
Kakashi barely even registers Obito getting his Sharingan. His blade slices through the last nin’s throat, and then he’s darting for the cave where Rin is hanging slumped, half caught in a genjutsu. Obito’s at her side in a flash, shaking her and trying to free her. Kakashi keeps a wary eye out, but these Iwa-nin are defeated. The others haven’t yet arrived.
“Rin!” Obito says. “Rin!” His eyes are suddenly filling with tears when she comes to, head rising listlessly. Obito’s arms are around her, face buried in her shoulder, so that’s why it’s Kakashi and not Obito who makes eye contact with her when she first opens her eyes.
The only way he could describe the expression on her face… is as something entirely inhuman.
“Rin…” Kakashi asks slowly. “How do you feel?”
A shadow, shifting. Cloud cover on a moonless night. She blinks, and it’s gone. “I feel better now! Thank you for coming.”
“We would never leave you, Rin,” Obito says fiercely.
“Never?” Rin repeats.
“Never,” Obito vows, except Rin isn’t even looking at him. Her gaze is drilling directly into Kakashi.
He’s clearly been too distracted. His stomach dips when he feels the rumbling around them. The others must be here. “Go, go!” He commands sharply, and practically hurls Obito towards the exit. They’re running fast, and it’s not already half-collapsed, so he knows they’ll make it in time. Still, images flash through the back of his mind. A missing eye. A bloody smile.
Obito leaps out first, jumping right up through the crack. Then it’s Kakashi, right on his heels. Following close behind is…
Rin?
Rin has stopped. Why has she stopped? A half-turn, as if admiring the view. There’s dust in the air, and rocks tumbling down, and the only thing he can think of is the way her hair curls, as if waving goodbye.
“Rin!” Kakashi snarls. “Get out!”
A half-brush across his gaze, and then she’s moving again. Kakashi helps the process along by jumping back down and shoving her along with him. And then they’re out, and then he can breathe, and then it’s fine.
Well, there’s a whole other squad of Iwa-nin surrounding them, but it’s fine. Kakashi throws the Hiraishin kunai, and has just enough time to see a flash of blonde before finally allowing himself to collapse into darkness.
When he wakes up, it’s nighttime. They’re out in the field, and Kakashi has an initial surge of panic before turning his head to the right and spotting Obito, conked out and snoring in the grass. Minato smiles down from above him.
“Everyone is okay. You did well, Kakashi.”
“Where’s Rin?” The words rush out without conscious thought.
Minato tilts his head to the side, and there she is. Her head is tipped back, hands behind her back and she stares up towards the tapestry of stars above. Last time, he had left her there. Alone in the field, with only the stars for company.
This time, he decides to join her.
“Rin,” he says quietly. He lets the faint rustle of grass pass over his sandals, signalling his arrival. When he looks at her, her eyes are empty and shining all at once. He looks up, but he can’t seem to imagine what she sees.
“Kakashi.”
There’s a long silence. “Are you alright?” He finally asks. He’s not sure what to say. He never seems to be sure of what to say around her. It was so much easier talking to the engraving of her name, but she’s not just that anymore.
Another long pause. Her voice comes out, and it’s strange. The same as always, but there’s something uncanny in the echoes of its tone. “I should be, shouldn’t I?”
“Many shinobi wouldn’t be. It was… a lot.”
“But I should be.” Rin breathes out. Her hair blows back in the faint breeze. “Is this how you wanted things to go, Kakashi?”
Kakashi can’t help but do a double-take. “How I wanted…? Well, we’re all alive, aren’t we?”
“We are.” She doesn’t sound happy about that.
Something is screaming at him all of a sudden. That this moment, this single moment with the grass and the wind and the stars, is the only opportunity he will ever get to truly know Nohara Rin.
“...How did you want things to go?” He asks carefully.
She laughs, all of a sudden. Bright and cheery. Perfectly uncanny. It sends shivers down Kakashi’s spine. “Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters.”
“Then you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter. It never matters. It all happens regardless.”
The words lurch into Kakashi's head and twist. “That’s not true,” he responds. “Things can matter. If something matters, you can do something about it.”
“And so you did something about it.”
She’s quiet for another moment. Kakashi realizes his heart is pounding. He doesn’t know why.
“No matter what, you’ll always be my end.”
The words are barely a whisper. He can’t even be sure if he’s heard them correctly. He looks her in the eyes, prompting her to go on, but then the stars are gone and she’s turning away, back towards camp.
Nohara Rin is a study in contradiction. Kakashi watches her leave, and for the very first time, wonders if he ever truly knew her at all.