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Dean knew eventually Sam would squeeze the truth out of him. About what he did when Sam was 'dead'. But for now, he'd just enjoy having Sam alive and breathing; there was nothing better than that.
"Dean? Come on. Come to bed."
He looked up and met Sam's eyes. His brother looked exhausted, as he well should. He'd been through the ringer. Dean nodded and closed the journal he'd come to keeping; he wasn't sure he'd make it out of this whole Amara situation. If he didn't, he wanted to give Sam something he could look back on and know how much he loved him.
Sam led them to his bedroom, now their bedroom; and slowly lay down, getting comfortable. He glanced up and saw Dean hadn't moved, he was just staring at him. "Dean? Everything alright?"
Dean couldn't stand it anymore. "I need to be honest with you Sam. About, about what you asked earlier."
Sam's brow furrowed before pushing himself to lean against the headboard. "Okay, Dean. I'm listening."
Dean took a deep breath and sat in the chair at Sam's desk, "you have to remember Sam, you, you were...gone. And, and I...I couldn't," he paused, this was harder than he'd imagined.
Sam frowned and motioned for Dean to sit beside him. "Hey," he said when Dean finally joined him, "it's okay. Whatever it is, we can deal with it."
Dean closed his eyes and nodded, "you were gone and I managed to hold it together long enough to get the two of them to the hospital. When I came to," he stopped when Sam squeezed his arm.
"What do you mean 'came to'? Dean, what happened?" He hadn't realized Dean had been hurt badly enough to be unconscious. Sam couldn't help but wonder what else he had missed.
Dean shrugged, "just some broken ribs and a concussion. No big deal." He held up a hand to stop Sam's incoming words, "really it wasn't anything."
Sam unconsciously moved to lean against Dean, "okay. Continue then." He knew it was more than what he was telling him but needed to know what Dean had done. He felt better when deans arm wrapped around Sam's shoulder and gently pulled him closer.
"Right. You uh you were gone and I, I couldn't..I can't, Sam I need you." There he'd said it. "When I woke up, I made a plan. Granted looking back it may not have been my best plan but whatever." He took a deep breathe and let it out slowly. "I knew the only chance I had was Billie. I, I found where they kept the drugs and I...I did what I had to to see her."
Sam pushed away from Dean and grabbed his chin to meet his eyes, "have you lost your damn mind?! Dean..." Sam's eyes grew wide as he realized the only way for Dean to talk to Billie. "You didn't, Dean. Tell me you didn't do what I think you did." When his brother remained quiet, Sam couldn't decide whether to be pissed or flattered (in a totally weird sense of course); he was fully prepared to rip Dean a new one until he realized his brother was actually flinching away from him.
A few deep breaths had Sam calming immensely and he moved to straddle deans thighs. His brother was avoiding his eyes and Sam knew they needed to deal with this now. He held deans face between his hands and turned his head until he was looking at Sam. "Dean. I know what you did, you did to save me. But if it had worked, how would I be expected to live knowing you died because of me? Someday I swear I'll prove to you I need you just as much as you need me."
Dean closed his eyes, only able to remember the times Sam didn't want or need him. They flashed before his eyes like a continuous movie. A thumb rubbing his cheek bone brought him back to the present.
"I love you, Dean. I need you to promise me you won't do that again."
Dean nodded, "I won't." He readily agreed since he already knew any attempt wouldn't work anyway; Billie had made it crystal clear she wouldn't bargain.