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They make it last as long as they can.
Him.
Not it. Its not just meat. Its Javi. Its Travis's brother they're eating.
She wishes she felt guiltier.
She feels guilty as fuck. But yet it feels like not enough.
Travis barely looks at her these days. He barely looks at anyone anymore. Seems like he's just getting by on autopilot.
He still sleeps curled up by Natalie's side. They hold each other at night to deal with the unforgiving cold. Sometimes when Nat shivers in the middle of the night, she feels Travis wrap his arms around her tighter. He's still in there somewhere, buried beneath all that grief.
Natalie wishes so badly she could reach him, wishes she could pull him out of it.
Sometimes she wishes he would hate her.
She stood there same as all the others and just let his brother die. Let him take her place.
She doesn't deserve Travis's warm embrace. She doesn't deserve his love. She doesn't deserve to have been saved by him.
On some days she wishes he hadn't saved her.
On most days she wishes Javi were still here instead of her.
On the worst days she wishes she had the balls to tell Travis the truth.
Because it doesn't end at murdering and esting a child. No, she also lied to him about it.
It happened so fast. The wilderness choose.
Fuckin coward.
Shauna comes back into the cabin from the shed. The shed were they keep the rest of him.
She's holding the makeshift plate with a few more pieces of meat, only enough for one each. Nobody moves until Travis approaches and grabs the first one. It's become a fucked up tradition none of them seem to be able to drop.
Natalie watches him closely, so emotionless, so robotic. You wouldn't recognize this Travis up against the one who ate his brother's heart with tears in his eyes just a couple of weeks ago. He seems so empty now in comparison.
All the pieces are throw into the fire, Mari watching over it. She'll let them when they're ready.
Travis sits by Natalie's side. Not saying a word.
She wants to do something. To help him somehow. But how can you help somebody when you're the reason for their pain.
Natalie look over at Travis, then reaches out and takes his hand. He holds it back and squeezes tightly but doesn't look back at her. Baby steps.
As small a step as that may have felt, progress is very noticeable from then on.
That same night when Travis and Natalie went to sleep, right next to each other, like they always did. He wrapped his arms around her right away. Wanting to fall asleep like that. Not simply because they were both cold, which is what every other night had felt like.
Two days after that, he actually made eye contact with her before dinner. Didn't quite smile. But his somber look seemed to be dwelling.
A week after that he actually says words to her.
"I think its getting warmer"
"What?" She asked both confused at the content of his statement and at the fact that he'd spoken at all. He'd barely done so for weeks.
"I think winter is almost over, at least the worst of it"
She thinks it over for a second, this is the first morning in a long time she didn't wake up shaking. Then she glances out the window, and while outside the cabin was still completely covered in snow, it was noticeably less than on recent days. Seems like this winter might go away as quickly as it appeared.
"You're right" she answers, still looking out the window.
"Maybe we could try to go out, see if we find anything"
Natalie gets a painful reminder of very early on in the winter. When they'd go out every single day from the crack of day until the sun went down but Travis wasn't looking for food. He was looking for Javi. Dark fuckin irony that turned out to be.
"Um- sure" she doesn't actually they'll find anything, its still freezing cold. Any animal that isn't hibernating would have frozen to death same way today as a few weeks ago.
But this feels important. Travis is coming back to himself a little. And he's reaching out to her. She has to reach back.
"Let me get the rifle and we can go in a few minutes"
It started out a little akward. The snow had gone down significantly but not quite enough to be able to walk comfortably. Their legs were still be buried in the snow with every step they took. Both nearly stumbled a few times.
To Natalie's surprise it's Travis who starts a conversation.
"Do you think Coach is still out here somewhere?"
She doesn't answer right away. She hopes so. She hasn't seen him since he walked away while they were butchering Javi. Nobody has.
She would like to think he's okay. He did tell her he found a place to survive the winter after all. But she cannot tell Travis that. Not after how long she insisted Javi was dead because no one could survive out here, alone.
"I don't know" she decides on
"Maybe its better if he's not" she says quietly and instantly regrets it when she feels Travis stop beside her. He heard it.
"Nat-"
"Just- shit- ignore I said that"
"No, look I wanted to talk to you" he starts, Natalie can already see that he's nervous. "I've been thinking a lot these past few days. About you. About us"
"Travis, we really don't need to do this"
"Yes, we do, I do, I need you to know" he takes a step closer to her. "I don't blame you for what happened"
What happened. He can't even say it. Natalie looks down, trying to stop the tears from gathering in her eyes. This is the last thing he needs, to have to comfort her.
"You should" was all she could manage to say.
"Nat-"
"No, look, Travis I don't-"
"Listen to me please" Travis interrupts her. "Ever since- since Javi's been gone- I've just felt like- like I'm drowning, like no matter how hard I try I can't quite come up"
"Travis" she tries to intervene
"And the only thing that makes me feel like I can breathe again is to remember that you're okay- that I still have you"
Natalie hears her heart crack. Logically she knows that's impossible, but she's so sure it happened, it must have made a sound.
"So I'm sorry I've been pushing you away, I was- I'm sorry, I can't do this without you" he finishes.
She keeps her gaze down, she can't bear to look at him. Travis reaches over to hold both her hands in his, desperate to get a reaction after bearing his soul out to her.
Nat finally looks up, teary eyed. She's struck by the look of longing in Travis's eyes. She wraps her hands around his neck and hugs him tightly. Travis's arm loop around her back, returning the hug. They hold on to each other for a few moments, reminiscent of the hug they shared right after doomcoming, when Travis first thought he had lost his brother. When he told Natalie he loved her.
"Don't you ever apologize to me" Natalie says still holding on to the hug.
She takes a deep breath then finally lets go, she faces Travis, summoning all her courage.
"Travis, I- I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I didn't know how- I-" she stops because she can feel herself starting to cry.
"I know exactly how you feel- maybe some of that is grief but- that feeling- like you're drowning and it feels like it would never end, that's guilt. And that's why I need you to know that Javi's death was not your fault, it was mine" Natalie finally says, perhaps too quickly because she knows if she stops, she'll never finish saying it.
"Natalie no-"
"Yes, it was, I didn't tell you the whole truth" She continues, Travis looks taken aback by this. Natalie forces herself to look him in the eyes when she confesses. "Its true that it all happened really fast, and its true that the ice broke right under him, that was an accident"
She takes a step back before continuing because she couldn't bear to have Travis be the one to do so after hearing the rest. "But we had plenty of time to save him and we didn't. We stood there and let him die" her voice breaks a little on the end. It feels pointless to say that she tried to save him at first, she still choose not to at the end of the day.
"I'm sorry, you don't have to forgive me. You shouldn't" she adds
"We should go back" is the only thing Travis says.
Natalie nods, aware he's not looking at her, but she starts walking to let him know she agrees.
Its not a long way back, but it is a quiet one. Natalie knows she did the right thing, and she does feel like a weight has been lifted off her chest.
But she also can't help but worry she's made things worse for Travis right when he was starting to open up again.
The one thing she hates more than him hating her is that he blames himself.
That night Travis lays down next to Natalie to go sleep but he faces away from her. She knows its over just from that.
Its not that cold anymore. They don't need to huddle together for warmth.
She still wishes they would.