Archive of Our Own

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_06/22/24_22:32PM

Playing audio...

There's the distant sound of horns honking, the light patter of rain, and overall Gotham atmosphere running in the background. Jason's voice comes clearly over the speakers, crisp and casual.

"Yeah, me and B are on ok terms now I think," He says, asphalt crunching as he apparently shifts on his feet. 

"Oh you guys are getting along?" Dick's voice responds, sounding pleasantly surprised. 

"Well- I mean we're doing ok," Jason amends. "I'm not mad at him anymore." 

"Thought you wanted him to kill the Joker?" 

Jason hums, considering. "I did, but then like, last week I went to the manor, right? And I saw him smash the coffee machine with a hammer because it didn't fill his mug enough? And- I don't know, I just don't think he'd be a good killer." 

Dick wheezes lightly. "Because he broke the coffee machine?"

"Well it was just," Jason cuts himself off with a slight snicker, amusement audible in his tone. "He gets- he gets angry, you know? And he's not good at self control. Like that machine did nothing and he just destroyed it. And I was just thinking, right? About how, like, he decided that adopting stray kids was an acceptable thing to do, and now he has like eleven of us," 

Dick starts cackling, his echoing laughter backing Jason's explanation. 

"-Like he can't see a kid without thinking 'wonder if I can draft this one'. I think if we managed to convince him that killing was ok it wouldn't go well. He'd just keep doing it." 

Through laughter, Dick repeats, "Because of no self control?" 

"Yeah," Jason agrees. "Like, once he crosses that line he'd probably step over it at any minor inconvenience. He's susceptible to addiction and he gets mad at a lot of things." 

"So B shouldn't kill?" Dick checks, still giggling. 

"No." 

"But you can?"

"Well I-" Jason wheezes, trying again. "I have practice honing the rage, I don't kill for stupid reasons." There's a beat of silence. He amends, sounding slightly chastised, "Apart from that one time." 

Sounding anticipatorily excited, Dick asks, "What time?"

"I sneezed and accidentally pressed the trigger." Dick starts cackling, loudly. Jason continues, emphasising specifically, "I felt bad, man! Like his cat was there-," The laughter renews into another round, and there's a crashing sound, like somebody losing their footing and falling to the ground. "Jesus- don't fall over; how are you this apathetic?!"

Dick manages to control his laughter momentarily, though his voice still comes through, slightly wet. "Is- is that where Damian's new cat came from?"

"It's not like I could just leave it there!"

"I thought I saw trauma in that thing's eyes. It had that wartime stare," Dick immediately declares. Jason hums absently. 

"The blood spattered right across its fur. I had to bathe it."

"You know Damian thinks it has anxiety?"

"Anxiet-" Jason cuts himself off, sounding slightly incredulous. "Dude it has more than anxiety, it has fucking PTSD," 

Dick wheezes again, and the audio ends. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_07/02/24_01:11AM

Playing audio...

There's a tapered-out groan, as if somebody's stretching their arms, or cracking their knuckles. A very faint click, and then the groan turns into a sigh, Damian's voice coming over the audio. 

"I hate stakeouts." He grumbles tiredly. "It's been four hours and we've seen nothing. Hand me those mango pieces would you, Jay?" 

Plastic crinkles as Jason's voice is made known, and he lets out a casual cheer, "Ayy, I'm back to being Jason!" Damian snorts, and he continues casually, "What was with that, by the way? I just showed up to the bats and found you referring to everybody as if they were your professor. Like, that's not a 'you' thing, I don't know why you started doing that."

There's the faint noise of chewing for a moment, and then Damian asks, "Do you want the genuine honest answer?"

"Please god, do tell."

Damian sighs. "Ok, so- and you aren't allowed to laugh." He warns. "But when you first brought me to Gotham and I showed up at the manor, father obviously had to give me a tour of the place, right?"

"Yeah," Jason encourages.

"And they wanted to do a DNA test obviously, to check that my mother wasn't pulling a fast one by claiming my birthright. So the first place he showed me was the cave, which was also where Tim happened to be."

Jason hums.

"And you know that place is- the first time you went to the cave, it was wild, right?" 

"Oh," Jason agrees instantly. "Like walking into the Tardis for the first time. Completely insane."

"Exactly!" Damian emphasises. "All high-tech and shit, right? And as you know, I'd just come from the desert compound I'd spent my entire life in because I grew up in an assassin cult; I wasn't allowed to do anything but learn how to fight, I didn't show shit about anything- like, my first time going into the kitchen at the manor I saw Alfred loading the dishwasher and my first thought was 'oh god what the fuck kind of machine is that-',"

Jason bursts into an abrupt cackle, Damian continuing to talk over him. 

"-So the fucking cave for the first time? As a little desert-cult-boy ten year old? It was fair to say I was a little distracted," 

"Ok," Jason chuckles. "Ok, fair."

"-And so I'm zoned the fuck out, looking around this cave and not paying attention to anything father's saying, and then I finally tune back in just to hear the words '-ackson Drake' where he had like, been trying to introduce me to Tim." 

Slowly, gaining volume as he goes, Jason's laughter starts to pick back up again. Damian raises his own voice to a slight incredulous yell to be heard over him.

"-And so I'm fucking standing there, ten years old, no fucking clue what this kid's first name is, and everybody's looking at me like I'm supposed to be the one fucking talking right now, and ALL I can think of is my mother back at the compound, who before she shipped me off to Gotham without any prior experience kept fucking telling me," His voice turns slightly stricter, as if he's doing an impression, "'Damian you have to be strong and show that you deserve to be the Batman's blood son. Show no weakness or hesitation no matter the circumstances. You must not make mistakes'." His voice drops back to normal, "So I'M fucking panicking," 

Jason's cackling is still loud, and it's paired with excitable clapping as he yells suddenly, "NO I DO- I DO REMEMBER, LIKE, BACK IN THE LEAGUE-," He wheezes, getting himself back under control. "Holy shit," He gasps for breath. "Back in the league when your only coping mechanism for not knowing what the fuck was going on around you, was literally just to pretend you knew what the fuck was going on around you,"

"-WELL IT WAS LIKE THE ONLY FUCKING THING MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!" Damian yells in defence. 

Jason continues wetly, voice high-pitched. "-That's why I didn't say shit when I came back from that international mission and found you fucking- doing all this blood son bullshit! You started calling me 'Todd' and speaking in old English and I was just like, 'bless him he's terrified, just leave him be.'"

Damian now laughs loudly. "And I did- I did appreciate you going along with it, because back when this happened I panicked, and I just started calling Tim 'Drake' because I was too embarrassed to ask him for his first name, and then by the time I heard somebody else call him Tim in passing, everybody had just assumed this was a thing I did because of my upbringing or whatever, and I was too socially awkward to clear it up and switch back, so I just had to stick to Drake."

Jason wheezes again. "So like- was this why- what about calling Dick 'Grayson'? 'Cause you call him Richard now; you managed to get out of that one."

"Well at first I just went along with the surname thing out of awkwardness, but then I'd gone too deep and I had no way out," There's a slight shifting sound, as if Damian is moving to accentuate his words, "AND THEN- and then Batman fucking died-" Jason wheezes again. "And I went from being raised by the parkour version of the dark lord to being gentle-parented by fucking Nightwing," 

"Holy- holy shit," Jason weeps weakly.

Damian continues pointedly, "Do you know what it's like to go from-" He puts on a gruff voice. "'Damian we don't fucking kill, give me the katana or I'll put you in Arkham', to-" Again, he changes his voice to a much sweeter, high pitched tone. "'Oh hey Dames, obviously I can't stop you from killing but I really would appreciate it if we discussed all our options and came to a mature decision together on what's best in this scenario',"

Jason's laughter has turned into breathless, silent cries. Damian barrels on, seemingly unbothered by his state.

"-And during all this I'm trying to subtly switch back to using people's actual names; except it fucking backfired because people just assumed I was calling Richard 'Richard' because we had that special parental mentor bond, and Tim had pissed off to- whatever he was doing in the desert for six months- getting a hysterectomy or whatever the fuck happened-"

"Hysterectomy-" Jason repeats, shrill. "He lost a spleen, Dames."

"Well whatever happened he wasn't around for me to shift to calling him Tim!" Damian complains. "And then when he did come back it was with father and everything went back to square one, except this time I was stuck calling one brother Richard and the other Drake!"

"And is this where I came in?" Jason guesses.

"I FELT BAD!" Damian exclaims instantly. "I'd already taken Robin from the guy, I didn't want him to feel like he was less of a brother to me than Richard on top of all that. I had to demote you to being 'Todd' so that he wouldn't feel alone."

Audibly amused, Jason points out, "Very thoughtful." He adds, "We should probably get you a therapist, dude. I think everybody forgets sometimes that when you showed up you were literally just a confused immigrant child, fresh from a cult with no experience of normal social interactions apart from with me at the league." 

"Oh," Damian agrees immediately. "I was like, 60% into an anxiety attack consistently for like, the first two years I was in the city." Jason snorts. "You know the first time I was left alone with Tim we were in the kitchen and he said 'do you want WiFi?' and, like, you know at the league I was never allowed to do anything involving the internet, the only experience with tech I had was watching you use your phone from a distance; normality for me was fighting to the death over everything, so MY instinctual ten-year-old thought process was like 'oh shit, WiFi must be Gotham slang for brawl, we're about to fight'," 

Jason starts laughing again, choking out, "You're fucking kidding," 

"-And so I'm like, 'so be it', and I go 'come on then', and get ready to start punching, only for him to turn around and grab a piece of card stuck to the fridge and hold it out to me,"  Jason continues to laugh. "-And he goes, 'here's the password so you can connect, I'm assuming you have a phone or something'- which I fucking didn't by the way, I had that shitty flip-phone you convinced mother to give me to call her in emergencies but it didn't use WiFi- and he's holding it out to me and I had to like, subtly shift my posture out of the defensive position I'd been in," 

Jason sounds slightly delirious from his laughter at this point, only weakly admitting, "This is the fucking best. Thing." 

"-And I take the card from him, and he just gives me this weird look like he has no idea how to communicate with me, and I was just like 'shit I might have to kill this one, it's the only way to get out of this interaction'." 

"Yeah- yeah," Jason instantly cuts in, giggling. "If we go through the timeline, every murder attempt on Tim's life back then was just an occasion where you'd felt socially awkward and didn't see any other way out of the conversation." 

"Pretty much, yeah. I should have been on Xanax for those first few years, I swear." 

"I gotta say though, the anxiety was worth it, because the stories you have from your first few years in Gotham are my favourite thing in the world."

Damian snickers lightly, and the audio goes silent for a few seconds as they settle into a comfortable quiet. 

Tim's voice suddenly bursts in. "ARE YOU TELLING ME I'VE BEEN STUCK AS DRAKE FOR YEARS ALL BECAUSE DAMIAN'S FUCKING SCARED OF SOCIAL INTERACTION?!"

The second he speaks there's a crashing sound, like something's been knocked over, and Jason screeches in surprise, "HOLY FUCK-"

"OH MY GOD I FORGOT WE WERE CONNECTED TO THE MAIN LINE-" Damian similarly yells.

The audio clip ends. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_07/06/24_20:40PM

Playing audio...

The audio starts out with muffled rustling, the dramatic whooshing of wind, and male grunts. The sound of feet skidding against gravel, and then Dick Grayson's voice comes over the com line. 

"You have to be cheating somehow," He whines. "You could never do that jump before!"

Jason's voice argues back, indignant, "How the fuck do you cheat at parkour?" 

A pause in the recording. Dick puts forward, slowly, "Secret... winches." 

"Secret winches?" Jason sounds entirely unimpressed. 

Dick doubles down. "Secret winches. You got like, I dunno. Stuff to help you up here." 

"You-" Jason snorts. "You're a fucking idiot. I can do the jump because I got steroided by the Lazarus pit and Pokémon evolved three times the size of myself, dipshit."

A casual hum, "Yeah, that must have been a bit of a culture shock."

"Well it was fucking something, that's for sure." 

"Did you ever get like," Voice curious, Dick questions him. "Like when you woke up and were just- over six feet tall. Did it fuck with your head at all?"

Sirens wail in the far background. "Like did I forget and run into doorframes a fuck-ton?" 

"-Yeah," Dick says. "Like, what was it like?" 

There's a pause, and Jason hums in consideration. After a moment, he answers, slow. "Kinda like... what I imagine the Hulk had to go through. Like I was just suddenly real big and real strong."

"Was it cool?" 

"Parts of it were cool; parts of it-" He suddenly wheezes, amending, "Parts of it were fucking fantastic." 

Sounding very amused now, Dick points out, "Ok now you're looking at me like- ok, Jason." Jason laughs more in response. "Alright, brother to brother, I feel like we're old enough and close enough with each other now to discuss this as mature adults." He snickers slightly as he continues, "But I have to ask," 

"O-ho-ho," Jason answers smugly, chuckling. "I'm proportionate." 

Dick bursts out laughing. "That-" He says, clearly trying his best to get himself under control, "That must have been fucking wild," 

"IT WAS-" In instant agreement, Jason yells only to get cut off as he, too, wheezes slightly. "It sure was something-!"

"How long after you came out the pit did you notice?" 

"How long- dude, instantly!" He answers incredulously. Dick continues to laugh in the background as he tells, "I was out that pit like that fuckin' TikTok audio, just 'woah woah, wait, where my dick at?!"

Dick laugher gets increasingly louder. 

"Just- climbing out, barely conscious," Jason continues, obviously through a massive grin, "In the back of my mind like, 'did they tie a weight between my legs or something because this shit ain't normal, why's it heavy?'" 

"Why's it heavy-!" Dick repeats through weeps, voice almost too shrill to understand. 

Casually, Jason admits, "I will say in all honesty I kinda forgot about it for a while," 

"How do you forget?" Dick demands, indignant.

"I dunno," Jason snorts. "Just kinda doing my thing. Mentally I was still, like, fifteen, so as much as my cock did interest me, once Talia gave me a shiny sword I was like 'oooh' and I instantly stopped thinking about it."

"Was there not any like, mechanical issues?" Dick wonders. 

"Mechanical-" Jason repeats the question back to him in a mocking tone. "Like, did it work? Yes, dude, it fuckin' worked?"

"Well I don't know-" He rambles back. "I just feel like- it's probably like getting a new phone, right? Like they're all pretty similar but when you transfer over to a new model there's like, an adjustment period?"

Jason makes a noise of understanding. "OH- ok yeah, no, I get you. No yeah, there was definitely an-" He wheezes slightly. "There was an adjustment period." 

A few slips of laughter starting to re-enter his tone, Dick dubiously says, "I don't even know if I want to ask," 

Jason wheezes again, this time full on. "Well it was- like I said I forgot for a while, right? So the first time I slept with somebody," 

Dick lets out a loud laugh, calling out, "No, Littlewing, what did you do?!"

"No I think I just ruined the mood a little bit in the beginning," Jason explains hurriedly, sounding like he's making a valiant effort at holding back his laughter. "Because like- like it was just as much of a surprise to me as it was to her, right?"

Dick's laughter gets louder, echoing through the recording. 

"So she was-" Jason wheezes, unable to hold back anymore, and his voice becomes high-pitched and breathy as he fights to get out each word. "She was below me as I got it out, right? And- and she went, 'oh wow, it's so big', all sultry and sexy, and MY fuckin' stupid ass was just- wide-eyed looking at it in awe just- like a shocked 6 year old like- 'Jesus fucking Christ it is isn't it?!"

Dick starts to choke on his wheezes, breathing like he's in pain, and the only sound coming through for the next few seconds are a mixture of both the boys’ painful wheezes, occasionally accompanied by slaps and smacks as they seem to fall over each other. 

"I- I can't-" Dick wails, barely comprehensible. "I'm fucking crying-" Jason makes an odd high-pitched noise, sounding half-way between a bird chirp and a baby cry. Eventually, Dick gasps out, "But didn't you ever, like, try it out alone beforehand-?!" 

"WELL I-" 

Interrupting Jason harshly, Damian's voice suddenly bellows over the comms, "OH MY FUCKING GOD, STOP." 

Instantly, the laughter gets cut off with two constipated chokes of shock, and there's silence for a beat. 

"MAY I FUCKING REMIND YOU," Damian continues, furious. "THAT BOTH BATMAN AND I ARE ON THIS LINE TONIGHT?!"

Slightly muffled, as if he's covering his mouth, Jason deliriously checks, "Oh my god, B-?"

Damian answers for him, "He's been staring blankly into a gutter since Nightwing first mentioned genitalia."

The silent cackles return faintly, and Dick manages to choke through them, neither him nor Jason seeming the least bit sorry, "Yeah that's- that's our bad, B. Sorry about that. It's just brother stuff." 

"I feel like I also deserve an apology." Damian declares. Jason is heard laughing even harder as the audio clip ends.

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_07/07/24_00:02AM

Playing audio...

The file starts playing seemingly midway through a conversation, Dick's voice flooding in instantly, "-Got a cramp in my leg mid-jump and it was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life."

A familiar Jason-sounding whistle sounds out, low in tone before he sympathises, "I fucking feel you."

"Didn't you watch your parents die in front of you?" Damian puts in, voice dry.

"Robin." Bruce's Batman voice cuts through instantly. "That's inappropriate to bring up." 

Jason snorts, but Dick doubles down. "No I stand by what I said. Also I swear to god I- oh fuck hold on." He pauses, the wind backing his words getting louder before suddenly stilling as he grunts, accompanying the faint sound of boots hitting stone. 

"Nightwing, all ok?" Bruce checks. Dick responds, but clearly not to Bruce going by the professional high-energy voice he puts on. 

"Heya! You need any help over here?"

Jason speaks excitedly over the mumbled incomprehensible response faintly coming from Dick's com, "Oh shit he's talking to somebody-"

"Sure!" Dick continues to ignore them, keeping up the voice. "You just go down that street over there and then-"

Suddenly, Jason yells over him, "HEY, WHO YA TALKIN' TO?"

Sighing, Bruce grumbles, "Hood."

Dick instantly falters, voice stuttering slightly. "-Uh- and then it's like two left turns-"

"NIGHTWING." Jason continues gleefully. "HEY NIGHTWING ARE YOU TALKING TO SOMEBODY?"

Tim's voice pipes up, joining in, "YEAH WHO’RE YOU TALKING TO? IS IT ANYBODY WE KNOW?"

"-And then- um." Dick continues to try, desperately, "Fuck it's like- you go down-"

"NIIIIIGHTWIIIIIINGGGG," Jason yells over him. 

"WINNNNNNNG," Tim adds. "TALK TO UUUUUUS."

"Red Robin, Red Hood, stop it." Bruce chastises. 

"He should have muted, father." Damian points out blankly. "He deserves this."

Dick chuckles awkwardly, trying again. "I- sorry about this, I swear I know where to go, it's just-"

This time Damian is the one who starts it up, his voice a stern but loud call. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?"

"YEAH NIGHTWING!" Jason cheers. "WHO IS IT?"

Tim goes again, "NIGHTING, NIGHTWINGGG-"

"A- a right and then a-"

"HELLLOOOOOOOO?" Jason calls, voice deep. Dick seems to snap.

"-GOD FUCK CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP."

The recording is silent for exactly 3.02 seconds. A suspiciously Bruce-sounding sigh echoes loudly in its wake. Dick gasps in regret. 

"Oh my god I'm so sorry I didn't- that wasn't directed at you I'm just on call with- oh fuck wait please don't cry-"

Jason bursts into loud cackles, and Tim yells proudly, "SUCCESS!"

"Oh god- I'm- oh god I can't-" Still laughing, Jason chokes on his words. 

"Well, there goes Nightwing's charisma score with the public," Damian says casually. Dick continues to apologise.

"I'm SO sorry-," He cuts himself off to furiously whisper down the line, "You fuckers are going to fucking pay for this shit," 

Jason continues to laugh, and Tim similarly starts wheezing, pointing out, "I feel like this is on you, not us." 

"Just you wait till I get a hold of you-" The whispers are silenced as Dick returns to his overly-sympathetic cheerful tone. "-Here, why don't I buy you an ice cream as an apology, huh? I've got money riiiight- fuck you guys." His voice drops about three octaves. "The kid ran away from me." 

Sounding slightly teary-eyed, Tim announces, "I love group patrols so much," 

"B!" Dick whines petulantly, and there's a faint stomping sound. "You're supposed to control them!"

Damian instantly points out, matter-of-factly, "I don't think Batman has been in control of anything for a very long time."

Bruce sighs. "Damian-," And then he pauses, quickly amending, "Shit- fuck- I mean Robin-," 

There's another beat of silence. Tim and Jason both burst out laughing and the recording stops. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_07/15/24_02:13AM

Playing audio...

Dick's voice filters in, sounding hushed and intently focused. "Ok I think that's our guy. You ready to-?" He pauses, and when he continues it's with a flat, unimpressed tone. "Hood." 

Jason gives a distracted hum in prompt. 

"Who are you texting right now?" We're supposed to be working." 

"Yeah, yeah-" Jason waves off dismissively. "I'm paying attention, I am, It's just the demon brat." 

"Wait." Dick sounds confused. "You're texting Damian?!"

"Yeah," Jason affirms casually. "He's still pissed that Bruce made him go on that overnight fieldtrip. Been complaining to me all day about it." 

Dick makes an incredibly incredulous noise. "How come I text him once to ask how it's going and he tells me if I keep 'hovering' he'll block my number, but you can text him all day?! How's that fair?" 

Jason answers as if it's obvious, "Because... I'm the fun brother?"

"You are not the-" Dick's indignant denial is cut off by a distant sounding ping, and Jason snorts. Instantly, Dick rushes out, "-Wait what'd he say?!"

"Uhh," Jason draws out, before reading aloud calmly, "'This is fucking stupid, I should have stayed in the desert'. Hold on, let me voice message him back a sec and then we can go jump our target." The sound of Jason clearing his throat takes over the audio, and then there's the muffled sound of a voice recording starting up, and he proceeds to say, "You should just shoot up the school, it would solve all your problems instantly." 

"JASON JESUS CHRIST," Dick yells in disbelief. 

Instantly, Jason yells back, "FUCK, Dick, don't fuckin' yell in my ear, you're right next to me! and Don't yell my goddamn identity so loud, what's your problem?!"

"You can't say that shit to him!" Dick continues, unforgiving. Jason sounds unbothered with his response, however. 

"See, this is why I'm the fun brother." He emphasises. "Damian'll find that funny, you guys are just all cowards." 

Another muffled text ping comes through. Jason makes a noise of smug triumph. 

"See? 'LMFAO'. I'm his favourite." 

Dick's final comment comes out blank, slightly dead-inside. 

"You both scare me so much." 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_07/21/24_00:45AM

Playing audio...

The audio starts with a ping, signifying somebody new joining the com link, and moments later Jason makes himself known. 

"Hey, Nightwing, you still on this line?" 

Slightly strained, Dick responds, "Yeah, hey, we're here, what's up? I thought you and Red Robin were on a stakeout?"

"Yeah we just got a question, we're trying to settle a debate."

"Go for it," Dick says, amidst the faint sound of crackling electricity and harsh-sounding thumps. 

"So," Jason starts off. "Tim asked me which terrorist attack I thought had the most 'aura', and now we're arguing over their different aesthetics."

Dick groans, instant. "Oh for fucks sake."

"Now, I said-" Jason cuts himself off, sounding supremely offended. "What the fuck's that reaction for?" 

"You guys have got to stop having those kinds of conversations on patrol, dude." Dick tells him. "Last week Vicky Vale released an article about how Robin and Red Robin were recorded by civilians discussing which rogues were most likely to be transphobic." 

Damian's voice pipes up instantly. "I still believe Joker would be an alley." 

"-Shut up Robin," Dick says without missing a beat. "One of these days you guys're going to get us all cancelled on Twitter." 

There's a few seconds of tense silence in the audio. Jason continues. 

"Ok so anyway, I said 9/11-," 

Dick groans again, "Hood."

"What's 9/11?" Damian asks innocently. There's a pause as the other two present take in the question.

"...Sorry what?" Jason says, in disbelief.

"9/11," Damian repeats. "What is it?"

Sighing in resignation, Dick calls out dryly, "Just a reminder, Robin, that we're supposed to be tracking a drug cartel right now,"

"-Shut the fuck up Dick he doesn't know what 9/11 is-" Jason rushes out, before he cuts himself off and there's rustling from his end of the line. "TIM FUCK OFF- Stop trying to use my com, join the fuckin' call yourself!"

Very distantly, muffled, Tim's voice appears in the far background, "TELL HIM I HAVE A POWERPOINT ON ALL THE CONSPIRACIES, TELL HIM-" Him voice disappears with a pained grunt and a thud. 

"-Said fuck OFF," Jason finished, breathing out harshly in exasperation before returning to the conversation. "Damian, we really need to have a conversation about what exactly the league's education for you entailed, because a lot of stuff got left out."

"Is this going to be like when you taught me about the omegaverse?" Damian asks, seeming wary. "Because I didn't like that. Nightwing I found the truck by the way; pinging you my location." 

"Hold on-" Incredulous, Dick suddenly appears invested. "Fuck the drug cartel; Hood you told him about the omegaverse?!" 

The line goes silent, and then the disconnecting ping rings out. 

"Did he just fucking disconnect from the line-?!"

The audio cuts out.

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_07/30/24_12:03AM

Playing audio...

"Oh yeah, I see you guys, hold on coming in hot-" Dick's voice plays out, trailing off with a slight grunt and the sound of gravel crunching underfoot. "Hey, so who else are we waiting for?" He asks.

"Hood is working on the other side of Gotham tonight," Damian's voice informs him. "But we're still supposed to wait for father while he talks to Catwoman.

Instantly, Dick lets out an annoyed groan. "God, he takes forever when he's talking to her, and I'm already bored!"

Tim's voice comes through, humming casually. "Yeah, we've been waiting for twenty minutes already." 

Jason suddenly pipes up, voice muffled to a whisper. "Sucks to suck for you guys-," There's a slight metal clang in the background, and his voice raises significantly. "OH SHIT-"

Gunshots echo out from Jason's side of the link, and Jason continues to curse as Dick casually wonders, "Jay, did you just give away your position so you could insult us?"

"NO," Jason yells, voice full of denial. There's another gunshot, and then a few more, and then a yelp. The audio plunges into silence for 4.3 seconds.

"Anyway," Dick continues. "I'm still bored." 

"You wanna play a game me and Damian made up?" Tim asks eagerly. 

"You two made up a game together?"

"Yeah, after Damian fucked up and accidentally revealed he was fun on the main line a while back." 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Damian says matter-of-factly. "I've never had fun in my life." 

"We're calling it 'league days: yay or nay?'" Tim says. 

Sounding very amused already, Dick agrees, "Ok. What are the rules then?" 

"Ok, so," Tim starts off. "The aim of the game is to find out stuff from Damian's time at the league, because apparently he got up to a lot of insane shit over there. He wrote down any interesting experiences he could remember onto a bunch of cards and then we got Jason to digitalize them onto a randomizer. Then we got Jason to come up with a bunch of fake experiences and mix them in with the real ones. Damian doesn't know what the fake ones are so he has no way to prepare beforehand. The rules are Damian has to use the app Jason made to shuffle a random card, read it out loud to us, and then we have to guess if it's real or fake. We can ask him questions about what the card says and he has to answer, and then we have to figure out from those answers whether or not he's bullshitting." 

Damian adds on, "Akhi isn't allowed to play because obviously he was there for about 90% of the truths."

"But I am allowed to listen and laugh!" Jason's voice makes its return, chirping happily. "Fuck you guys by the way, I almost died and nobody checked up on me."

"Sucks to suck, Todd." Damian responds. "Are you playing, Grayson?"

Dick starts giggling. "Holy shit, yes, I'm in. Read a card."

"Ok, hold on." Damian pauses for a few beats, and then he makes a strangled noise. "Oh-"

"You have to read it out loud!" Tim demands instantly.

"I am!" Damian snaps. He sighs. "'When I was a child, Todd introduced me to Pokémon games, and then he convinced me that Pokémon were real by painting a snail and telling me it was a very small magcargo. Years later, this lie was then used to convince me that I should move to Gotham."

Jason bursts into loud wheezes immediately. "OH MY GOD-" 

The cackles echo through the audio, and Damian's dry voice talks over him calmly. "We may have to mute him."

The laughter continues. 

"Please, god, let this be true," Tim begs. Dick is heard barely smothering his giggles. 

"And- oh my god- and we get to ask questions?" He checks. 

Sounding very much resigned to the game, Damian sighs. "Ask away." 

"So-" Tim starts off, cutting himself off to hum consideringly. Dick wheezes. "The-" Tim hesitates. "The reason you came to Gotham...?" 

Somewhat wetly, Dick chokes, "Yeah that's- that's what I think we need clarification on. Jason... Jason told you Pokémon were real, and then...?"

"So," Damian sighs once more. "I was around five years old, and had never played a video game before, and Todd came back from a mission with one of those handheld consoles and an old Pokémon game loaded in, which he snuck into my room to let me have a try."

"What," Tim laughs in disbelief. "And he told you it was real?" 

"He told me it was based on reality and that it was just very rare to see Pokémon in real life, especially in the area that the compound was in. To be fair I'd never been outside before and didn't understand the concept of video games, so I had no way to confirm any of that or not." 

"Still though," Dick points out dubiously. "Painting a snail got you to believe it?" 

"It was- I-" Damian goes quiet, sighing sadly. Deadpan, he grumbles. "It was a fairly competent art project."

Jason starts laughing again. Tim groans. 

"See this is a hard one, because I don't know if he's laughing because of how proud he is that he did it, or because of how funny he finds his own lie. Jason makes shit up all the time!"

"What the fuck," Dick mumbles, slightly in awe. "This is genuinely a tough game. Ok. Fuck. How did this correlate with you coming to Gotham? I thought Talia sent you?"

"My mother gave me the option of going to Gotham to train with Batman, or to go into hiding with her and help when the league was going through uprisings. I was unsure at the time because I had never met father before and didn't know what it would entail, but Jason obviously knew I would be safer coming to Gotham with him when he returned, so he took it upon himself to convince me to choose Batman."

Jason's background laughter turns high-pitched, sounding slightly weep-like. 

"See-" Tim starts, getting more and more exasperated by the second. "SEE- DAMIAN'S SMILING, I FEEL LIKE HE WOULDN'T FIND IT FUNNY IF IT WAS TRUE! HE'D JUST BE ANGRY THAT HE'D FALLEN FOR IT!"

"Not necessarily," Damian points out calmly, though his voice contains a tinge of amusement. "Todd has a very infectious laugh, I might just find his odd squeaking entertaining. You shouldn't base your answer on that."

"SEE-" Tim whines. "He's trying to convince us it's real! That has to mean it's fake!"

"So did you come to Gotham because he told you that there would be Pokémon to see or something?" Dick continues to question, ignoring Tim's rising distress. 

"He told me that team rocket was active in Gotham, and that they were abusing Pokémon. I have a fondness for animals, so obviously this angered me and I wanted to intercept." 

Tim wheezes, repeating, "It angered you-," And Jason's laughter turns into silent breathless gasps, sounding slightly painful in nature. 

"And then what happened when- like, how did you find out he'd lied to you?" Dick asks. 

"I figured it out on the boat to Gotham," Damian explains patiently. "About a day's journey away, and I was so infuriated that I pushed his motorcycle off the boat and sank it. We were actually- it made us late. We were a day later than expected coming into Gotham because I sank our ride from the boat to the city and we had to take public transport." 

"See," Dick sighs impatiently, hesitating. "But that's- like you told me before that the journey from the compound to Gotham took two weeks. I can't imagine you being outside the league for two whole weeks and not clocking that Pokémon weren't anywhere." 

"I was busy with other things." 

"Bullshit!" Tim yells. "You literally just said it was the only reason you went!" 

A connection ping suddenly pings out, and Bruce's voice appears. "Apologies for the delay, I am three minutes out from your location. Does anybody have info on Red Hood? I've received reports that he may have been dosed with laughing gas. Does anybody know what he's working on tonight, or if he needs backup?"

"He's fine," Tim brushes him off dismissively. "He's just an ass."

Still sounding like he's struggling to breathe, Jason finally manages to speak actual words, coughing as he wheezes out, "Ok- ok B's gonna ruin it now so I'm calling it. You have to choose, yay or nay?" 

"THIS IS SO HARD!" Dick complains loudly. 

"...What's going on?" Bruce asks. He is completely ignored.

Tim groans. "God, I so want it to be true... but I just don't buy the two week thing. I think you would have figured it out sooner." 

"Yeah," Dick decides. "I'm with Tim. I gotta go with nay. It's a lie."

Laughter starting to pick back up, Jason says in a deliriously high-pitched tone, "Alright, Day, go for it. Yay or nay, did this happen?"

Silence reigns for a few moments. Damian lets out a deep, deep sigh.

"As much as I really wish it hadn't, this one was true. I did indeed, for a solid half a decade, believe that Pokémon were real." 

The line becomes overcome with yelling, Dick and Tim reacting explosively as they talk over each other. 

"WHA-"

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS-!?"

Jason bursts into loud laughter yet again in the background, his loud cheers of victory getting mixed in with the hubbub. 

"I should have never agreed to play this game again," Damian says in amongst it all, barely audible.

"What on earth did I just come in on...?" Bruce asks, baffled. The audio cuts off before he gets an answer. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_08/16/24_11:58PM

Playing audio...

"Come onnnn Dames~" Tim's voice appears, whiny in tone. Damian responds impatiently. 

"We're supposed to be on a stakeout." 

"Wait sorry I had to mute for a fight," Dick pipes up. "What are you two arguing about over there?"

"Timmers wants to play league days again but Day's being a little bitch about it." Jason pipes up in answer. Dick gasps instantly, sounding excited.

"Oh my god please let me play too-!!"

"You are almost thirty years old, Richard. Jesus Christ."

"You can't age-shame me!" Dick gasps again, this time offended. "I fuckin' raised you!"

Tim laughs loudly in disagreement. "For- for like, six months!"

"Yeah I have like five years on you goldie, don't try and steal my child." Jason adds. 

"If I play one round," Damian bargains, "Will you buy us food and drop it over at the stakeout base?" 

"Oooh-!" Tim exclaims. "Say yes, say yes say yes say yes-!" 

"Deal." Dick agrees. "Bring it on."

"Fuck yes." Jason cheers. Damian huffs. 

"Alright, it's loading a card." There's quiet as they wait, and then Damian gives an abrupt high-pitched squeak.

"Oh god, what does that mean?" Tim says warily.

Voice shaking slightly, Damian reads out, "'When I was eight, Todd gave me 'the talk', except it turned out that neither his own parents nor father had ever given him the talk, and he had to sit in on when mother corrected everything he'd told me about a month later, because he'd gotten it horribly wrong.'" A slight pause as he lets his words settle in, and then he declares, gleefully, "Discuss." 

The silence continues.

The disconnecting ping rings out.

 Multiple people burst out into laughter. 

"OK-" Tim wheezes. "Did he just-?!"

"WELL I FEEL LIKE THAT JUST GAVE IT AWAY KINDA-" Dick yells wetly, choking.

"Jason just left the fucking line-" Tim continues breathlessly. "Oh my god, holy-"

"Please," Dick begs. "Please, on everything that is fucking holy,"

"Are you even going to ask questions?" Damian asks. 

"Truth." Is Tim's instant declaration. "It's a yay. I'm manifesting. Give it to us. Please." 

Through more wheezes, Dick manages, "You can't- you have to just tell us, Dames come on," 

The reconnecting ping appears. Jason starts talking, sounding defensive. 

"Ok-" 

Damian cuts in. "It's a yay. It happened."

"FUCK." Jason snaps. He disconnects again. Tim and Dick once more burst into loud cackles, echoing through the line. 

"I truly feel like that was his own fault," Damian muses calmly. 

"God," Tim comments, delirious. "I'm so happy we figured out you were funny Damian. So happy." 

The recording ends. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_08/25/24_3:01AM

Playing audio...

"I hate the slow nights." Jason complains, the casual sound of Gotham nightlife backing him. Car horns honk and distant voices yell at each other as the bats speak. "Like, what the fuck are we supposed to do? At this point we aren't even being vigilantes. We're just idiots on a really long walk around Gotham in the middle of the night."

"We should use this opportunity to run through emergency drills-" Bruce starts, only to get instantly cut off by multiple grouchy voices. 

"Ok," Dick groans. "Somebody kick B from the line-"

"-Seriously," Tim adds. "No, I'm not doing that again!" 

"You all need to start taking this job more seriously." Bruce determines stoically. 

"It isn't even a job," Jason points out. "B, get out." 

"Hold on," Tim says. 

Sounding amused, Dick chuckles. "Get him, RR." 

"Red Robin," Bruce warns. "Do not-"  He's cut off by the definitive sound of a disconnecting ping. For two seconds, nobody says anything. 

"Fuckin' gottem, lads." Tim declares smugly. 

"DID YOU KICK HIM FROM THE LINE?" Jason yells, incredulous. Dick starts laughing. 

"H-holy shit," He chokes. "What if he needs to call for backup?"

"This is amazing." Jason decides. "I love you." 

Another ping rings out, and Damian's voice suddenly appears. 

"Which one of you kicked father from the main line?"

Jason cackles. Tim answers smugly, "That would be me,"

"I am supposed to be on a solo mission tonight, and now he's calling me to whine about being bullied by you all. Why can I not have a single night of peace?" 

"God," Dick muses. "He's such a child." 

"This is turning into such a good night." Jason snorts. 

"Just do what we do, Robin." Tim says. "Mute his contact." 

"I did that the month I moved into the manor," Damian answers dryly. "He just hacks through it." 

"No I can block his signal so he can't." Tim offers. "Give me your phone when we get back to the cave and I'll handle it. It's what I did with Hood's and Nightwing's."

"That would be appreciated." 

Another ping rings out, signifying an unmuted contact. 

"Guys," Oracle gets their attention, the sound of typing backing her. "Sorry I have to interrupt, but Batman's just gone and gotten himself in a fight with like four rogues at once to force you to give him attention again, and now he needs backup."

Simultaneously, four annoyed groans ring out together. The recording ends.

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_09/04/24_01:22AM

Playing audio...

"Robin, Red Robin." Bruce's voice barks out. "ETA on the meeting spot, Red Hood and I are waiting on you." 

"On our way, father." Damian responds quickly. 

"Yeah, we're just round the corner," Tim adds. There's scuffling noises in the background, and then a grunt, and he snaps in irritation, "-Can you fucking cut it out-!"

"You are in my way!" Damian snaps back.

Bruce sighs. "Boys..." 

"NO!" Tim denies instantly, raising his voice. "No, B, you have to tell him to stop shoving into me, you can't just- Damian knock it off-!"

Bruce bellows instantly, "No names in the mask!" 

"Oh, for fucks sake," Jason groans, muffled, as if covering his mouth in exasperation. 

"Both of you, get here now." Bruce orders sternly. "Clearly we need to have another discussion about the importance of keeping names private."

"I didn't even do anything!" Damian denies childishly. "It was Drake that-" 

He cuts himself off, and there's a tense silence.

Eventually, he continued, solemn, "We shall be there soon, father." 

The audio suddenly speeds up, fast-forwarding through silence and then incomprehensible angry-sounding words, sounding Batman-like in nature if it isn't for the way his tempo has been turned up to the point of him sounding slightly like a chipmunk. When it slows down, he's still talking, and his voice returns to normal. 

"-Not to mention how irresponsible it is not to be paying attention! I know I taught you both better than that."

Jason scoffs. 

"You didn't even teach me," Damian mumbles petulantly. "We thought you were dead. Nightwing did."

Tim makes a low 'oohing' noise, egging them on. "B you gotta spank him; you gonna let him talk back like that?" 

"Shut up, Red Robin." Damian hisses.

"And do you understand how disappointed Nightwing would be with you tonight, Robin?" Bruce asks lowly. "Because he sure as hell wouldn't be proud." 

There's tense silence, and voice tinged with awkward regret, Tim softly mutters, "Well shit,"

"Ok no, hold on," Jason suddenly pipes up, interrupting. "Usually I let you parent however you want, because, frankly, that's not my fucking problem; but I actually grew up with Dick, and you and I both know he doesn't give a shit about the no-name rule." 

Instantly, Bruce tries to silence him. "Red Hood go away-," 

"-One time," Jason ignores him. "I accidentally called Batgirl 'Barb' during a mission and B made us stay behind so he could give me a chewing out about it, and like halfway through the lecture an Uber Eats driver pulled up and said 'order for Dick Grayson?' and Nightwing fucking- sauntered over and took the food without blinking."

"That's irrelevant to-" Bruce tries yet again. Jason speaks over him.

"There was a night I refused to listen to him as Robin when we were patrolling together, so he told me that for every act of disobedience he would give one letter of my real name up to the police. I fucked up three times and he told an officer my name started with 'J-A-Y' and then when I started laughing at him for not knowing how to spell my name he got embarrassed and yelled in front of the officer, 'WELL I GREW UP IN A CIRCUS, SPELLING WASN'T A HIGH PRIORITY!'"

"He didn't know how to spell Jason?" Tim asks, dubious. 

"Another time he-"

A ping sounds out, cutting Jason off and signifying somebody joining the link. 

"Hey sorry to interrupt patrol," Dick's voice appears. "Jason unmute your phone will you? You aren't answering your texts."

Weakly, Bruce orders, "We are in-mask, Nightwing. No names." 

"Shut up B-" Dick brushes off without hesitation, continuing, "Jason, seriously, I sent you a video of these pigeons I found fighting mid-air. You gotta look at it." Tim starts to snicker, and immediately sounding wary Dick adds, "Why is he laughing? Tim why are you laughing?"

"Richard," Damian wonders curiously, "Would you be disappointed in me if I accidentally forgot about the no-names-in-masks rule?"

"...What?" Dick asks, as if baffled by even the notion. "No?"

"Do you know how to spell our names, Nightwing?" Tim continues innocently. 

"What are you-" 

The sound of distant muffled bird squawks silences everybody, and flapping wings are heard from the background of Jason's com line. 

"Holy shit," He muses casually. "This video is kinda cool actually." 

"RIGHT?!" Dick yells, excited. 

"Woah wait, let me see," Tim pipes up. 

"Tilt the screen forward Akhi, there's a glare." Damian adds. 

"You guys gotta come to Bludhaven more," Dick emphasises. "The pigeon action is off the charts."

Forlorn in nature, Bruce's voice echoes out blankly through the line. "My mission used to be a solitary one. I used to work alone." 

Damian innocently responds,  "At least if you worked alone then nobody ever have a reason to use your name?" 

Tim cackles. 

"I bet you guys I could catch a pigeon," Jason thinks aloud. "Like, with my bare hands." 

"We could do Pokémon fights with them-!" Dick agrees, still sounding very excited.

"Ok." Bruce audibly gives up. "Patrol over. Everybody go home. This is pointless." 

The audio recording ends. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_09/12/24_01:31AM

Playing audio...

Once again the audio starts halfway through an already passing conversation, Jason's casual speech starting it off.  

"-Like I was definitely the nicest kid B had to deal with. Like, especially compared to you three freaks-" 

"You were, kinda," Dick's voice admits, amidst light wind rushing in the background. "You were very competitive though."

"Competitive in the good way though." 

"The fuck is the good way?" Tim pipes up. 

"Like I was- I was competitive about schoolwork and being a good Robin." Jason explains. "I just wanted to be a better son than Dick, so I pretty much acted like an angel."

"It also served to piss me off a lot-," Dick adds.

"-That too," Jason instantly agrees, humming. "That was also a big motivator, you were annoying and I wanted you to stop coming back home,"

Tim laughs, Dick also snickering good-naturedly. "B 100% used that against us, by the way." He points out. He gives a slight grunt as boots hit cement, and the wind is replaced by the sound of running.

"The competitiveness?" 

"Yeah," Dick says, slightly breathless. "Like, do you remember the cold case competitions?"

Jason gasps, "Oh my god yes," 

"The what?" Tim asks. "On your four by the way, Wing."

A grunt. "Thanks," Dick mutters. 

"Ok, holy shit, so," Jason explains. "Whenever me and Dick argued over something, Bruce would bring out an unsolvable cold case and tell us whoever figured out who did it would win whatever argument we were having. Just to get us to shut up and go away."

"I was like, twenty years old, man." Dick muses. "It should not have worked on me as much as it did." 

Jason snorts. "Yeah, no- like I was fully convinced I was gonna solve the JFK assassination at thirteen years old just because you wouldn't let me be player one on the Wii." 

Starting to laugh, Tim asks incredulously, "Seriously!?"

"Hold on," Damian cuts in. "Wait. The JFK assassination? What's that?"

"Oh my god," Jason exclaims instantly. "Again? Damian we need to give you a terrorist attack rundown, this is ridiculous." 

"First 9/11, now you don't know about JFK-," Tim lists.

"No, no," Damian denies. "I just... you aren't talking about John Fitzgerald Kennedy, are you?"

Tim snorts. "Well yeah, obviously?" 

"So you do know this one," Dick points out, intrigued. 

"Yeah, but that's not a cold case." Damian continues, sounding confused. "It was just my uncle." 

Silence for 4.23 seconds. 

Jason asks carefully, his voice shaky, "Sorry...?"

Damian makes a noise of affirmation. "The American leader, John Fitzgerald Kennedy? My Uncle Dusan assassinated him on my grandfather's orders- he didn't tell you about this, Hood? He used to regale me with the story of his victory when he'd put me to bed as a toddler."

"EXCUSE ME?" Dick yells in disbelief, accompanied by the sound of feet skidding on gravel. 

Voice incredibly dubious, Tim dryly states, "Dusan Al Ghul used to put you to bed?"  

"THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TAKING FROM THAT?" Dick yells incredulously. 

"Yes," Damian answers innocently. "On occasions when mother wasn't available but he was."

Slightly faint, Jason mutters to himself, as if trying to come to terms with the information, "Holy fucking shit it was Uncle Dusan,"

Still sounding dubious, Tim continues his wary statements. "Talia used to put you to bed...?"

Huffing in exasperation, Damian answers, "Well somebody had to? I don't understand why this is so hard for you to grasp, Drake. How could I be locked in if there was nobody to take me to my cell at the end of the day?" 

"OH ok-" Tim emphasises loudly. 

"Seriously what the fuck," Dick continues to audibly freak.

"I'm crashing out, I swear to god I'm crashing out what do you mean it was fucking Dusan-" Jason adds.

"-No see THAT makes sense," Tim carries on. "I thought for a second Talia was actually acting motherly but it's fine, it was just a miscommunication." 

"If it makes you feel better, Todd made grandfather give me a proper bedroom when he came along." Damian offers casually. "Is Dusan's kill not publicly known, then?"

"PUBLICALLY-" Dick bursts out, "-NO, Damian, literally nobody-" 

Dick cuts himself off for a moment, pausing, and then there's a sharp intake of breath. 

"Holy shit," Dick whispers. "I solved the cold case." 

"Excuse me?" Jason checks, incredulous. 

"I SOLVED IT FIRST-!" Dick suddenly yells.

"WOAH WOAH-" Jason denies over him, raising hsi voice even louder. "NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T- HOLD ON-"

"I'M TELLING BRUCE-!"

"I'M FUCKIN' TELLING BRUCE," Jason demands. "THIS IS MY WIN-"

"Not if I get to him first," Dick points out, determined. 

"DICK FUCK OFF, THIS IS MINE,"

"FUCK YOU!" Dick yells back, and before he can get a response the sound of a disconnect ping rings out, his com link disappearing. Jason curses before doing the same, another ping echoing before the recording plunges into silence. 

After a few moments, Damian dryly asks, "They're not coming back, are they?" 

Tim sighs. "Nope. Wanna go get cinnamon rolls? Now Nightwing's fucked off I've not got much going on through my route." 

"I'll meet you at the usual bakery." 

"Sick." 

The recording tapers off.

-

 File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_09/18/24_23:40PM

Playing audio...

"Ok do another one, do another one!" Dick's voice starts the file off, eager in nature. In the background of the audio there's a clear fight going on, the sounds of smacks and fists hitting faces, men yelling and the occasional Damian-sounding grunt.

There's another grunt, and sounding slightly winded he responds, "I just did one-" He yelps, and there's a shifting sound before somebody in the distance lets out a pained yell. "Aren't you guys taking down a cartel tonight?!"  

"Yeah," Tim sounds much more relaxed, sighing as he drawls. "But we're just waiting for things to kick off right now. Come on, give us another one." 

"God- fine," Damian grouches. "Hold on." And then there's the distinct sound of metal being unsheathed, a familiar shlink.

There's a clearly Jason-sounding chuckle of glee, and Tim gives another sigh, this one decidedly more wistful than bored.  "He's so nice to us..." He muses. 

In the background of the call, multiple screams start ringing out. 

"You are," Dick draws out matter-of-factly, "So lucky that B's on bedrest tonight Robin. So lucky." 

Sounding slightly strained, Damian snips back, "Yeah, well, tonight I'm not Batman's Robin, I'm Red Hood's, and Red Hood's Robin gets shit done faster."

"Atta-fuckin'-boy." Jason comments approvingly. "I found the files in the back room by the way, just let me know if you need help." There's another scream, and then a much wetter shlink. "Although you sound to be doing fine." 

Finally, Damian sighs. "Alright, done. Ok... it's loading a card." 

"I swear to god," Tim clears his throat. "I'm going to fucking ace this one."

"Yeah, well, you said that last round." Dick points out.

"I MEAN IT THIS TIME!"

Jason snickers. 

"Alright, ready?" Damian checks. 

"Bring it on, kiddo." Dick affirms. 

"'Apart from my father," Damian reads out, "There is one other member of the bat-community that I am biologically related to. That person... is Duke Thomas.'"

"Oh," Jason mumbles softly. "This is gonna be awesome." 

"-SORRY?" Dick sputters in disbelief, and Damian sighs. 

"Well, I suppose that's one way for it to come out." 

"There is NO GODDAMN WAY." Tim demands. "HE'S- HE'S BLACK?!" 

Damian snorts. "What, and you think I'm white? Don't be racist, Red Robin." 

"I JUST MEAN-!" He backtracks desperately. "There is no goddamn way. Absolutely not. This is a nay, it's a lie. We'd know." 

"Ok." Damian accepts easily. "Is that your final answer?"

Silence for a beat. Begrudgingly, Tim mutters, "For the sake of the game... explain."

Dick laughs deliriously. "This is ridiculous..." 

"So," Damian starts off. "As you all know, Duke's mother is Elaine Thomas and his step-father is Doug Thomas, while his biological father was the criminal known as Gnomon." 

"Mhm." Tim grouches.

"But what was kept hidden from you is that shortly before Duke was born, Gnomon was an associate of the league of assassins, and he was a close associate of my grandfather."

"Ok-" Tim cuts off. "No goddamn way- why would Ra's care about Gnomon?!"

Damian scoffs. "How small-minded are you, Drake? Gnomon is an immortal entity, hundreds, perhaps thousands of years old. Are you stupid enough to believe that my immortality obsessed grandfather couldn't have met Gnomon at some point in his life and decided to keep in contact, so he could combine their knowledge for his own gain at some point in the future?" 

After a second, Dick gives a sharp, regretful intake of breath. "...Alright shit, he has a point there." 

"No he fucking doesn't?!" Tim argues. "How does Gnomon being friends with Ra's explain him and Duke being related?"

"Well-," Damian starts, only to pause. "Oh, shit. Hood, there are more men approaching the warehouse. Your orders?" 

Gleefully, Jason quickly responds, "Nah, nah, you stay inside and keep answering questions. I got this." And then there's the sound of gunshots, and more distant yells coupled with screams of pain.

"Eight o'clock, sniper." Damian informs. Jason grunts. 

"Got it, now focus on the game." 

"Beautiful priorities." Dick muses. "Robin, carry on." 

"Fine," He sighs. "What's the next question?"

"How does Ra's and Gnomon's friendship explain your relation to Signal?" Dick asks him again. 

"Ah. Well, you are aware that I was originally created to be a potential new vessel for my grandfather?"

"Yeah," Jason snorts, paired with another gunshot. "Until you started info-dumping about parrot species and he decided he wasn't gonna touch that with a ten foot pole." 

"Shut up, I thought you weren't allowed to partake in the game?" Damian points out. "Anyway, you all know that I was originally just a vessel, and thus I was modified in the league labs to enhance my abilities,"

"UHM-?" Tim interrupts, Dick not far behind. 

"Woah woah woah woah- No?! What do you mean you're a lab child!?" 

"...Oh you didn't?" Damian asks, sounding confused. "That's not even part of the game, I thought you knew that." 

"WHAT?!" Echoes from both Tim and Dick. Jason laughs slightly, also seeming confused. 

"Uh, yeah guys? He got pit-dipped at one point and everything. I used to sit with him on the operating table after experiments and read him books. Ra's used me for some of those experiments too, so it was kinda like sharing a room." 

"Does Bruce know-?" Dick exclaimed, trailing off out of bafflement. 

"Well I fucking thought he did but if you're all gonna be dramatic about it then I don't really want to check," Damian snaps back childishly. 

"DRAMATIC?" Dick yells incredulously. "DAMIAN, WE NEED TO-" 

"Dick," Tim suddenly cuts in, sounding thoughtful. "Shut the fuck up a minute," Dick makes an even more indignant squeak, and he rushes through with, "No- just, you know, it is a big deal, and I'm happy to freak out about our little brother being experimented on later tonight, but for now...? Kinda trying to lock in on this fucking game!" Jason wheezes. Tim continues calmly, "So you were experimented on, go on Robin." 

"...Well..." Warily, Damian slowly starts up again. "Part of that experiment included mixing my DNA with what grandfather believed might make me immortal, and he had asked Gnomon to kindly donate some DNA samples decades back. So, they were incorporated into my genetic make-up, meaning that some of my parental heritage technically belongs to Duke's father, making us biological half-siblings."

Dick scoffs sarcastically. "And you just decided to never mention it?"

"That's it." Tim snaps. "Call Duke, I don't care if he's sleeping-"

"Ah-ah-ah-!" Jason denied instantly. "No phone-a-friends!"

"Well Akhi knew, as he was aware of the experiments I went under, and of course I told Duke; apart from that it simply didn't seem relevant." Damian brushes off.

"Didn't seem relevant." Tim echoes, in disbelief.

"And Duke didn't think it was relevant either?!" Dick checks incredulously.

"...To be honest," Damian says, "I don't think my half-brother wanted to start up another bout of batfamily drama. Especially not one he was centric too. He found it funnier to keep it under wraps and watch from the sidelines."

There's a beat of silence, and Tim softly curses. "Fuck... that does sound like Duke." 

"Tim-," Dick starts, amused, and immediately he gets cut off.

"NO. NO, DICK, BECAUSE THIS KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING-!"

"You guys are on a stakeout, should you be saying his name so loud...?" Jason wonders calmly, in the back of Tim's yelling. 

"-AND THE CRAZIEST SHIT IS ALWAYS THE SHIT THAT'S TRUE! WE ALWAYS GET IT WRONG AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE." 

"But listen to him," Dick placates. "There is no way that Dames and Duke are-"

"OK BUT WE SAID THAT ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR STORY," Tim points out loudly. "AND THE ONE IN PARIS, AND THE THING ABOUT THE LAVA-," 

Damian snorts quietly, sounding smug. 

"-AND HE'S FUCKING LAUGHING AT US-" 

"BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S LYING," Dick snaps, arguing back.

"-OR, OR BECAUSE HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH AND HE'S SMUG ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF CHAOS THIS PARTICULAR SECRET IS CAUSING!"

"Holy fuck is that Black Mask-?" Jason mumbles to himself softly, quickly raising his voice to add, "Uh, ok, wrap this up, me and my Robin for the night got business to attend to." 

"Very well." Damian acquiesces. "Final answers, you two. Yay or nay?" 

Silence flows over the recording. 

Tim lets out a screech of despair. 

Dick cackles apathetically. "Ok, I'm saying nay, there's no way."

"Red Robin?" Damian prompts.

"Um..." Tim hesitates, sounding genuinely panicked. "FUCK."

Still laughing, Dick admonishes, "Tim," 

"LAST TIME I THOUGHT ONE OF THESE WAS RIDICULOUS IT WAS THE TRUTH!" He screeches back. "THE RIDICULOUS ONES ARE ALWAYS YAYS, IT'S RIDICULOUS." 

"That word has lost all meaning," Jason observes casually.

"Well?" Damian demands. 

"Fuck," Tim spits out in a whisper. "Ok! Ok, I'm saying yay. Yay, sure, whatever. It's the truth." He rambles absently, voice dead. "Give it to me. I'm fine. Tell me now."

Jason lets out a bark of laughter. "Robin?" 

After a beat of silence, Damian reveals, "...Of course it's a nay? Why on earth-"

The sound of something angrily smashing against concrete cuts him off, and Tim starts yelling again. 

"OH- OH OF COURSE- WHY THE FUCK- OBVIOUSLY IT'S A FUCKING LIE, WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE BELIEVED THAT OBVIOUS BULLSHIT-" 

Jason and Dick both start laughing loudly, Jason wheezing while Dick chokes, trying to speak, "Red, Red calm down-" He wheezes again. 

"HE SAID THAT HE AND FUCKING SIGNAL WERE RELATED, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN REAL? WHY WOULD ANYBODY-" The anger suddenly dissipates, leaving a matter-of-fact empty tone, "I'm going to fucking kill myself. I can't- I'm going to-"

"Ok," Dick suddenly stops laughing. "Well you may not have to, because you totally just gave away our position with the screaming and I can see like three guns pointed in our- ok fuck DUCK-" 

Rapid gunfire is heard, and Tim curses as both he and Dick start scrambling. "I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME- FUCK-" 

"RED SWITCH LINES WE GOTTA FOCUS HERE!" He orders. 

Damian hums, sounding unbothered. "Sucks to suck Drake, see you two back at the cave." 

There's two disconnecting pings, and then quiet for a few long moments. 

"Day," Jason says softly. "Black Mask is staring at me from across the street. He can see us, for sure." 

Another beat of silence. Baffled, Damian asks, "Akhi, what are you- are you having a fucking staring contest with him?"

"Shut up, you're gonna distract me." 

"You're both wearing face covering helmets-" Damian continues, incredulous. 

"I SAID SHUT UP I'M WINNING THIS THING!"

The audio ends. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_10/03/24_22:51PM

Playing audio...

The clip starts off with a loud, dramatic sigh, swiftly followed by Tim's unmistakable annoyed drawl. "Guys, Batman is pissing me off tonight. I need revenge ideas, go." 

A pause, and then Bruce himself answers, sounding both offended and confused. "I am on this line- Red Robin I am standing right next to you."

"Shut up B," Dick is heard, instant and dismissive. "We're brainstorming here."

"You could hack the batmobile's radio to only play that one ad jingle that he hates so much?" Damian offers up, followed by his father's incredulous chastise.

"Robin?!" 

"This is good, this is good," Tim muses.

"Just do what Hood used to do and write revenge porn." Dick says, slightly strained, as if mid-swing at the time.

"Sorry," Tim asks, sarcastically calm, "Hood used to what now?"

"Oracle." Bruce quickly objects. "Remove Nightwing from this line." 

A click of somebody unmuting, and then the clear voice of Oracle ringing out with, "Not a chance. Please elaborate, Nightwing." Before she mutes again. Dick starts to giggle. 

"Yeah, he used to- O, get Hood in this call, he loves talking about this, it's hysterical." 

"I don't think-" Bruce starts to deny again, only to be cut off by the almost immediate ping of somebody joining the link. Jason's gruff voice starts to filter through, apparently halfway through speaking to somebody already.

"-Tell me where the site is or you'll be jerking off with a fucking prosthetic for the rest of your life, asshole, now," Muffled and distant from the background, the faint sound of a grown man whimpering is just about made out. "TELL ME."

Sweetly, Tim hums out, "Hiya Hood~"

"The fu-" Jason audibly pauses, confused, "What-?" There's a thump, and then, "...When'd I join this line? Why am I here?"

"I requested it!" Dick responds faithfully. "I want a Red Hood story-time for the kids."

Firmly, Bruce snaps, "No." 

"YES!" Both Damian and Tim's voices simultaneously yell over him, and Jason makes a loud noise of confusion. 

"They want to know about the revenge porn you did on B back when you were in Gotham Academy," Dick explains smugly. 

"NO." Bruce yells, this time less firm and more desperate-sounding. Jason is heard bursting into laughter. 

"Oh," He wheezes. In the very faint background of Jason's mic there is another male voice, one who, while sounding terrified, asks if he can leave, and still laughing, Jason starts to choke as he responds, "AHA- y-yeah, man, fuckin'-" He wheezes again. "Go for it, I'll just hunt you down in a minute- HA-" 

"For the record," Dick says, while Jason works on getting his laughter under control. "This incident was the incident that made me start actually liking Hood as a little brother; this is what won me over." 

"So," Jason laughs slightly again. "So- So B really pissed me off this one time when I was Robin, right? I can't even remember why-," 

"He grounded you for calling Mr Freeze a cunt in front of a group of pre-schoolers you were rescuing." Dick instantly informs. 

A finger-snapping noise. "OH YEAH-!" Jason remembers. "And part of the grounding was that he forced me to take part in all the theatre department bullshit going on down at the school where a bunch of kids in my class were writing an original musical to put on for the end of year show, for like, community service or whatever. I was pretty good at English Lit, so when my teacher heard I had to join she put me on the writers squad and like, just told us to have at it."

There's an abrupt gunshot coming from Tim's part of the link, and then an even quicker female grunt of pain and the sound of something clattering to the ground. "No loud noises- I'm trying to listen to this!" He hisses. Jason continues, unbothered. 

"-Except I was really pissed off at B at the time, right? So I convinced everybody that the musical should be about Gotham's own Batman, and then I decided to add in Superman and make him Batman's gay love interest."

"Oh my god," Damian observes, in apparent awe. Dick starts to cackle again.

"It was- it was so fucking cool-"

"IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL?!" Tim exclaims.

Jason wheezes, his voice starting to pitch upwards. "Yeah- that's not- that's not even- dude it gets so much worse-"

"It was not funny." Bruce claims evenly. 

Sounding to be crying, Dick weeps in objection, "God it so was..."

Suddenly raising his volume energetically, Jason adds on, "AND I MADE THAT SHIT- I MADE IT SO EMOTIONAL, TOO," 

Dick matches him instantly. "YOU REALLY DID- LIKE IT WAS A GOOD SHOW, THAT WAS THE THING-"

Tim starts laughing. Damian asks desperately, "Please tell me you have a copy of the script, Hood." 

"Annotated and signed, I’ll drop it round the cave later." He promises. 

"I love you." Damian declares calmly, and Tim starts laughing even harder.

"Even better," Dick reveals. "I still have the fucking video." 

Tim chokes, "THERE'S A VIDEO?!" And muffled out by the hubbub, Bruce can be heard groaning dramatically. 

"Holy shit- dude you still have it?!" Jason gasps energetically. "I LOST MY COPY WHEN I DIED!"

"Oh, Jay," Dick determines clearly. "I would not have deleted that video if it saved you from the fucking Joker." 

"NIGHTWING." Bruce yells, scandalised, but Jason starts yelling over him instantly, sounding completely unbothered. 

"NO- NO, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD, B, I SENT IT TO HIM TO KEEP SAFE, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD-"

"Is the video of the whole play?" Damian asks curiously. Dick makes a humming noise as he answers.

"Well kind of? But Littlewing- Littlewing's a fucking genius so he-" And he instantly starts laughing again. Jason finishes for him. 

"I didn't want to act in the actual play, so they put me on stagehand shit and I ended up in charge of the official school's video production, so I just-" He smothers a bark of laughter, "I just fuckin'- I fuckin' filmed B's reaction in the audience for like," He wheezes, "The whole fucking play- "

"THE BEST PART-" Dick yells out excitedly, "Best part was B 100% got sucked into the story." 

"I DID NOT." Bruce snaps defensively. 

Jason laughs loudly, "YOU CRIED DURING THE ENDING KISS." And Dick also starts wheezing again, barely covered by Tim and Damian's reactions. 

"SORRY-?!" Tim yells in disbelief. 

"Nightwing I want that video." Damian demands loudly. Dick continues to laugh.

"To this day," Jason determines proudly. "Best thing I ever did as a child. I don't care about my legacy as Robin, I'm just happy I got to produce such a masterpiece. I should write a sequel-," 

"PLEASE." Tim begs instantly.

"OK, that's it." Bruce snaps.

"Wait- B, what are you-" Tim asks, and then the entire line goes silent when a disconnecting ping rings out. 

"What'd- what-?" Dick tries to ask, and then somebody unmutes again. 

"Batman," Oracle's firm but slightly amused voice carries across clearly. "You can't kick Red Hood from the main line." 

Bruce bursts out instantly, uncharacteristically desperate, "WELL YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING-!" 

The audio ends.

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_10/25/24_01:30AM

Playing audio...

"-I just do not see the point in dressing up." Damian starts off the recording with a complaint. "Halloween is already so stressful in Gotham, why add a shitty costume?" 

"Are you kidding Day?" Jason can be heard responding, already amused. "Costumes are the best part, you get to fuck with people so badly." 

"Yeahhhh," Dick draws out, voice reminiscent. He gasps suddenly, "Oh my god, Hood, do you remember that year back when you were Robin and we bowled over B?" 

"Holy shit-" Jason exclaims gleefully. "I do-!"

"Which occasion are you referring to?" Damian sighs, clearly not holding the same level of enthusiasm. He adds on, quieter, "Oh and Nightwing, hand me that birdarang." 

"Yeah, here-" Dick answers, before explaining. "So, back when Hood was still on his original life-" 

"Incredible way of putting it," Jason approves casually. "Where are you guys by the way? I've wrapped up my case over here." 

"Docks. Anyway, the year before he died there was this fancy Wayne Halloween party at the manor, and everybody who attended had to wear a costume. And it was also the first year that I was trying to like, be nice to Jason,"

"Yeah he was only just starting to warm up to me," Jason hums in agreement. 

"Yeah. So I said it would be fun to go as a joint costume," Dick continues. 

"-And I said we should both go as dogs," 

"-Which I thought sounded fucking stupid," 

"-OK BUT HOW FUNNY DID IT TURN OUT-?" Jason demands.

"I KNOW- I KNOW, OK-" Dick defends. 

Damian cuts them both off, not nearly as enthusiastic as the other two as he demands, "Ok, either one of you is telling the story or none of you are telling the story. Take your pick." 

There's a beat of silence. Dick answers. "...Alright I'll tell it. So I thought the idea was ridiculous at first, because dressing up as two dogs? Stupid. But then he told me the whole plan and I got on board. What we ended up doing was convincing B to join in on the costume as some shitty attempt at family bonding." 

"You got father to dress up as a dog...?" Damian asks dubiously. Jason starts to snicker in the background. 

Amused, Dick answers, "Oooh no, no no, he didn't even really have to do anything, he was dressed up as our owner. What we had him do was hold the leashes that we were on, as his 'pet doggies'."

"...Nightwing," Damian points out delicately. "Are you sure that Hood wasn't trying to fuck with you rather than father? It sounds like he just convinced you to wear a leash in public." 

Jason starts laughing more, but Dick barrels on. "Nah nah nah kiddo, you don't understand. What we did was put on those child harness things? That parents get for rowdy toddlers? And we made him hold onto us the whole fucking night." 

Chortling steadily getting louder, Jason wheezes, "Stop- stop stalling and get to the best part-!"

"...What best part?"

"The uh-" Dick snorts, answering their youngest. "The reason that Jason got him to hold onto these harnesses all night was so that he'd let his guard down and forget that he was holding onto leads connecting to literally all my and Jason's body weight, and what ended up happening was we waited until he was like, slightly tipsy, in the middle of a conversation with about six different women he was flirting with," 

Still sounding like he's struggling to breath, Jason cuts in, "AND- AND WE WERE JUST STOOD A COUPLE FEET AWAY AND HE ASSUMED WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT-" He chokes. 

Dick wheezes infectiously. "-But we were fucking lying in wait, and he just- he had no idea, and Jason gave me the signal and we both just-" And he breaks off into an uncontrollable cackle. 

There's nothing in the recording but laughter for a minute or two, and finally, sounding slightly concerned, Damian asks, "...Do you need an inhaler or something...?" 

"We-" Jason chokes out before immediately stopping. "-Holy fuck I need to stop swinging before I drop my grapple hold on-" He cackles again, and then there the sound of something skidding against concrete. "So I gave Dick the signal and we both jumped up and let ourselves just-" And he chokes out another wheeze. From Dick's side of the line is the unmistakable sound of a palm slapping harshly against stone, and Damian gasps. 

"Y-you both just dropped to the ground?!" 

Still laughing, Dick gasps out, "And the- the leashes went taught and he just fucking got BUNGEE CORDED TO THE TILED FLOOR-" 

"In front of all these women that wanted to fuck him, too," Jason giggles. "And his glass smashed everywhere and he chipped a tooth and it was fucking GLORIOUS-"

"It was so funny," Dick emphasises. "The thing was, was that he was definitely strong enough normally to hold both our weights, but we caught him so off guard he just fucking collapsed-,"

Both Dick and Jason continue to laugh, only tapering off when a few minutes later the connection-ping makes itself known and Tim's voice appears.

"Hey, guys, I'm all done over here so I'm heading over to you guys. Anything interesting up tonight?" 

Still sounding slightly delirious, Jason manages to answer mostly steadily with, "Just- just talking about the Halloween party we all have to go to next week."

"Ooooh~ yeah," Tim instantly joins. "I'm still trying to figure out what to go as; Alfred said I can't go as Red Robin which is bullshit." 

After a second, Damian innocently pipes up. "Would you like to dress up together, Drake?"

Tim pauses, obviously confused. Hesitantly, he answers, "Oh-? I thought you didn't like costumes?" 

"I have come up with one I would not mind trying out. What do you say? We could dress up as a group, me, you, and Jon." 

"Sure," Tim agrees. "I guess I could-" Dick starts quietly weeping from silent laughter, and his voice instantly drops three octaves as he demands, "Why is Nightwing laughing."

Without missing a beat Damian tells him, "He saw two pigeons having sex. So, group costume?" 

The recording cuts out. 

-

File name: Oracle_system_recording:_BATCOMMUNICATIONS_11/06/24_00:54AM

Playing audio...

"Red, you seeing the similarities here?" Dick's voice makes itself present, accompanied by a Tim Drake-sounding hum of consideration. 

"Yeah... the method matches the one of that serial killer Hood's working on over in the alley, right?"

Dick grunts. "If he's starting to move territories over here then we might have to call Hood in and do a crossover case. You know where he's at tonight?"

Tim makes a noise of affirmation. "B is busy with JL stuff so he has Robin for the night. I think they were working on something down in Tricorner?"

"Hey Oracle," Dick says. "Wouldya' mind finding the com line they're on and transferring them over for a sec? We gotta talk to Hood about something." 

A click, and Oracle's voice responds with a swift, "Got it." 

Typing fills the audio until two connection pings are heard, and then the recording becomes filled as Damian cuts in, seemingly already in the middle of speaking. 

"-No he has absolutely no idea how female anatomy works, and I know this for a fact because when she told us she was pregnant, his response was to turn to me and say, 'how is that possible, I thought she was wearing a tampon', which-," 

Jason instantly bursts out laughing, responding gleefully. "No because- I do remember, I remember so fuckin' clearly, that there was a genuine occasion during my training with that guy at the league where we were focusing on poisons, and Talia came up to us and told us to take a break so we could sort out the donkeys for some kind of trip the next day, and I swear to god, this fucker walks up to these animals looking genuinely freaked out, and I'm just saddling up these donkeys like normal, like- you remember, right? It's not like it was fuckin' hard," 

Damian hums, musing, "I loved those donkeys." 

"I know you did," Jason agrees matter-of-factly, "You almost had one shipped over to Gotham with us-, anyway, and I'm looking at him like 'you alright there little buddy?'-and I was his student, mind you-, and this fucker looks me straight in the eyes, this league assassin expert and high quality tutor, and he goes, 'what if it tries to eat me?' AND I'M LIKE-" 

Damian bursts out laughing. 

"-THEY'RE FUCKING HERBIVORES YOU GODDAMN MORON, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHAT IF IT EATS ME'?" He continues to yell, almost pleadingly, it seems. 

"That was- see? And you wonder why the league education system failed me so much; it's because all my tutors were people who also grew up in the league and only ever bothered learning about the one thing my grandfather said they had a knack for. I had an archery instructor who no word of a fucking lie didn't understand what photosynthesis was." 

Jason snorts. "The fact that I was the best option you had at the time for a well rounded education experience just proves how fucked it all was. Like, I'd only just recently found out you couldn't microwave metal. What the fuck was I supposed to do?" 

"My current theory," Damian proposes casually, "Is that mother walked in on us using your phone to google whether narwhals were real or mythical and she just decided 'yeah those two dipshits need to go to Gotham pronto'." Jason cackles, and then Damian starts speaking again, this time much more focused. "Oh- isn't that the guy we're looking for?"

"Oh shit, yeah- ok," Jason switches to a more professional tone, barking orders easily. "You go round and we'll do a pincer movement; he'll definitely have other tails so we need to get the surprise element." 

"On it." Damian agrees. The audio turns mostly silent as the two focus on their jobs, noises only making themselves known as a fight clearly starts on their end, grunts and the shwing of metal faint but present. 

"Behind you, duck now." Jason mutters at some point. 

A faint scream, and then Damian, breathless, "Appreciated."

"No worries."

The fighting noises continue, and then finally, as it all seems like it might be dying down, Dick's voice reappears.

"SEE-," He starts out casual but loud, as if about to compliment the weather, and Jason yelps in surprise, Damian yelling out.

"NIGHTWING-?!" A gunshot, and Damian yelps again. "FUCK."

"I got him," Jason gasps. "Now what the fuck." 

"-I feel like," Dick continues as if neither of them have reacted. "I feel like the natural point for us to jump in and tell you we were here passed, like, a long time ago."

"You fuckin' asshole!" Jason snaps. "You scared the shit out of me!" 

"-But I think we just got invested in the conversation and then a long enough amount of time went by that it would have been awkward if we interrupted and asked you our question, right Red?" 

Tim responds blankly. "I forgot what we were supposed to be asking like five minutes ago, not gonna lie." 

A beat, and Dick asks curiously, "Jason you didn't know not to microwave metal?" 

"STOP SNEAKING INTO OUR COM LINKS." Jason demands lowly. 

Tim starts to snicker. There's another gunshot, and Damian yelps again. The recording ends.