Chapter Text
Robert had lied to many people, there was a point when he even lied to himself. Thinking about it, he realized that had never really been honest even to himself, most times he couldn’t even control it. When he wanted to tell the truth, he opened his mouth and the lie, he had not even prepared, came out. But after meeting Aaron, lying to himself became harder, ‘nearly impossible.’ After years of being with Aaron, although Robert still lied to others, he stopped lying to himself.
All that to say that Robert, at least to himself, has thought about his death, more than a well-adjusted and healthy person should. Long before he was shot and even before his mother died, the little thought of ‘how and when would it happen’ was there. He used to think his death would be of old age or an accident at the farm. After his mother died, those nightmares were filled with him dying in a fire just like she did. At some point, his nightmares and thoughts were filled with dying at the hands of his father or Andy.
‘The last one almost happened, sort of.’
When he returned to the village, those thoughts were filled with the fear of dying at the hands of an angry mob and as he stayed his thoughts continued in that pattern. In Robert’s head, his death always came at the hands of someone else, Andy, Ross, Aaron -that one hurt-, Chrissie, Chas, Cain, the rest of the Dingles, Lawrence, Lachlan, and even his own family at one point. He’s not proud of that last one but he honestly never had anyone on his side or anyone he could trust.
‘It’s not even an opinion, it’s a fact,’ he sighed internally as another blow slammed against his face.
Robert had always been alone, ever since his mother died and Andy betrayed him. Aaron, the love of his life, would sooner turn on him than take his side. They both knew that the man never truly ever got over everything Robert did to him. After that horrible day at the cabin, they had never been the same. Now thinking about it, Robert knew that on that day between them something had broken beyond repair.
When he killed Lee and no one helped him cover it up, Robert wasn’t surprised. It hurt that despite doing the right thing and trying to protect his little sister, despite him being better, becoming a productive member of society and practically leaving his villain ways behind, no one thought he was worthy helping. He wondered if he ended up in this situation because he was so unlovable or maybe he was so much of an asshole that he never inspired loyalty in anyone even after he proved himself and helped them.
“Got no smartass comments now?!” A sudden and hard kick to the head made it hard for Robert to think about anything except pain.
“This is what smarmy prats get,” he felt a pinched in his stomach and he just knew he was stabbed.
‘How did I end up here,’ the mere question made him scoff because all the problems that Robert had found himself in were all caused by one factor and one factor alone, ‘his mouth.’
A month before
Robert had adjusted to prison surprisingly well and fast; for the most part he kept to himself and if he couldn’t avoid something or someone, he used his silvertongued to avoid the situation. Instead of missing freedom, he found himself missing the small things like his body wash, his lotions, his coffee, his leather jacket and car but most of all the pastries he had every morning. At least those were the things that he focused on, otherwise he would lose his mind. His crime had gotten him a certain level of respect from the inmates, he also taught them basic financial and business skills.
It was a little repetitive and at first, he felt almost suffocated by the walls, the people and the routine. He missed his family desperately and even thought about twenty different escape plans. Then he was transferred and it felt like life was making an example out of him for protecting his sister and for a murder that wasn’t necessarily his fault but more of a by-product of his actions. Lachlan, a psychopath who killed many people for his own pleasure got life in prison and somehow Robert’s crime was just as bad, according to their fucked up legal system.
He was terrified and in those early days at the Isle, he desperately tried to appeal because it wasn’t fair. But all that people said about prison sucking the life out of a person was true because soon, Robert’s will to fight left him. “Finally joining us,” this apparently had been so common that other prisoners just laughed and teased him. Letting go of Aaron was the nail on the coffin but after hearing from other prisoners about how painful it was to watch their loved ones lose the light from his eyes with each visit and grow more and more resentful, he couldn’t do that to the man he loved.
As selfish as everyone claimed he was, Robert would never wish that fate on anyone. A small part of him that had always doubted Aaron’s love and devotion to him, pessimistically didn’t hold out hope that the younger man would last too long. He told himself that he was okay with this or at least that he would be eventually. Having Rebecca take Seb away from Aaron and even trying to take his parental rights, hurt but he tried to understand.
The news that Aaron had begun dating someone only a year after his sentencing and less than a year since he asked for divorce, was painful yet it somehow didn’t surprise him. The little part of him that doubted the man’s love felt vindicated but not happy. Then hearing that his own sister was getting on so well with her rapist’s family was the straw that broke everything. Robert couldn’t take it anymore and he cut all contact with everyone from his old life, it destroyed him more than sending Aaron the divorce papers but keeping ties would have been worse. It was like being a fly on the wall in a burning room, watching but slowly being burned to death.
Either way, it’s been a few years since he was sentenced and Robert has gotten used to his new life. He mostly kept to himself in the library and learned from his life in Emmerdale, keeping his mouth closed until he became just another prisoner. That didn’t mean that he didn’t find himself in trouble every once in a while.
He had taken to working out after the first time he saw someone being beaten almost to death. Seeing the shy and soft-spoken older man beaten to death for looking at someone wrong, Robert realized that mental prowess wasn’t going to help him; his survival also depended on his physical strength, something he had disregarded all of his life.
‘I wonder if Aaron would like my new look?’
He was nowhere near David Beckham level but he was no longer the beanpole many of the prisoners teased him of being when he first arrived. His hair had also gotten longer and a slight bear covered his face so basically he turned into everything he hated, a homeless looking hipster. ‘Actually if Aaron saw me now he would probably laugh,’ some of the guys he got on with were even trying to convince him to get a tattoo but as far as he had fallen, he wouldn’t go that far.
The first week of the month it happened started off like any other, he had kitchen duty so he had to wake up earlier but he no longer slept so it didn’t bother him, which said a lot because Robert had never been a morning person. “How is it that you’re the ‘successful’ businessman yet I’m the one that has to wake you up?” Aaron had constantly teased him about it especially when he found out the amount of alarms Robert had on his phone to wake himself up. When they moved in together, Aaron took on that job, most of the time his wake up calls were violent but there were those times when he would wake Robert up with a…
‘No, no, can’t think of that,’ Robert had been avoiding any thought of sex or freedom because they were the two things that he couldn’t have. One, he didn’t let himself half and the other he couldn’t have for the rest of his life. He was pretty sure that everyone thought he was impotent.
“Even worse, he doesn’t even have anything in the back.”
“Curse on all aspects, poor bastard.”
Robert never cared about this because his ego and the Sugden arrogance had left him long ago, along with his hopes to ever be free, have his life back or be with Aaron. ‘Even if I get free, there is no way he would take me back.’ Robert could imagine that Aaron had a house, a husband and a child by now. And while the thought still hurt, he was no longer selfish enough to want the younger man to be heartbroken waiting for a husband that would never come.
He walked into the prison kitchen, greeting the staff and other prisoners before putting on his hairnet and getting to work. The prisoners were woken up bright and early at seven for breakfast. Standing at the end of the line, Robert served them the fruits he chopped up. Nodding to the ones that bother to greet him but mostly just going through the motion. There was some shuffling as a prisoner pushed another but Robert didn’t pay attention although he should’ve because that was the start of all his problems.
“Fruit and eye candy,” a gruff voice declared. “Might give us diabetes.”
Again, Robert ignored it and served the next person, not even looking up. And again, he should have paid closer attention. Instead, he just continued serving, ready to be done with his duties. Once they had served all the prisoners, they were given their own breakfast and the day continued as it always did.
Robert went to the main offices where he helped the staff, something he had earned in recent weeks due to his good behavior after their last helper had died, and that right there should’ve tipped him off on what his fate would be. His cellmate had even looked at him with pity when he told him about his new position.
“Careful mate, everyone that works in the office ends up dying.”
“We’re all going to die some day, especially in here.”
Being in prison has made him complacent, he lost all his skills and smarts so he wasn’t able to see the blaring red flag. Working in the office reminded him of his old life and for a few hours, Robert could pretend that he was a normal employee and not a prisoner. He could pretend that he hadn’t seen multiple prisoners get beaten to death, that he doesn’t hear the screams and pleads from someone surrounded by a group jeering or the slapping of skin as he showers.
“Hey Sugden, want a turn.”
He could pretend that every night he doesn’t hear the begging from the young man in the cell next to his own or again the slapping of skin, the kid that barely looked eighteen. He could pretend that a few days ago there wasn't any commotion in the cell and he no longer saw the kid again. He could pretend that he didn’t know what happened, that it didn’t affect him. “I’m James but everyone calls me Jimmy.” Pretend that he knew nothing about the kid, “You were a mechanic?! I’ve always loved cars!” That he didn’t know the kid was from Plymouth and was so friendly and curious.
“I’m only here for protecting me mum from her arsehole ex.”
While in the office, Robert could pretend that he didn’t fail another person, that he doesn’t want to make his situation worse every time he sees the grinning face of the kid’s cellmate or every time he heard him open his mouth. “Damn too bad the brat off himself, best piece of ass I ever had, and those screams…” He could pretend that his hand didn’t shake and at night his eyes didn’t watered for the first time since letting Aaron go. Robert could even pretend that he didn’t see a letter from the kid’s mother where she tells him that her and her ex ‘worked things out’, in that moment he was glad the kid wasn’t there to read it.
‘He didn’t deserve that.’
Either way, life went on and unfortunately Robert had to go along with it. As life went on, working in the office became Robert’s only solace, so much so that he ignored everything else. Again, he should’ve paid more attention to the looks and the whispering but then again he hadn’t really been too excited about living. See, like every prison the Isle had their own gangs and their own hierarchy, a man at the top who was someone that seemed to only be there because he wanted to. He never started anything or disciplined anyone unless he had to.
He was so removed that it took years for Robert to find out his name, it was Oscar but everyone called him Bear because he had the height and build of a bear. Anyone that gained his favor was set and practically untouchable but getting involved with him was practically selling your sold to the devil because whether he paid or not, the man would own their lives. He had his own harem of younger prisoners at his beck and call. The guards respected and often stood clear of him; the man walked into the office like he owned the place and no one said anything.
Bear looked at him once but Robert looked down submissively and the man seemed to lose interest. The man didn’t have a gang, he was a one man army and a younger more ambitious Robert would have tried to become his second. ‘In another life,’ there were always the newcomers that were dumb enough to try but often ended either badly hurt or dead. All that to say that while Bear was clearly in charge, there was no second but many fighting for that position.
Robert didn’t know that with his position in the office he had put himself in the running and made himself some serious and dangerous enemies. “So Sugden, enjoying the new job,” he was asked on one rare sunny day, they had been let out for their allocated time outside and Robert had been jogging around until he was stopped by a prisoner calling to him.
“It’s good, reminds me of what I did while I was out,” he commented with a shrug.
“Oh, were you a secretary,” another prisoner jeered and cackled as if he said the funniest thing in the world.
“Something like that,” Robert had long learned never to give too much information.
“You know that’s a cursed position,” he declared and Robert raised his eyebrow.
“How so?”
“The position belongs to Dice,” Robert was confused by the statement since Grant, or Dice as everyone knew him, was one of the prisoners that was mostly put in solitary confinement and the position in the office was only given to those that demonstrated good behavior. “He applied for it but never got it so he makes sure that everyone who gets it doesn’t keep it for long.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?!” There was an incredulous look on the prisoners’ faces.
“Everyone knows that Bear would only choose a second with connections and who can get him what he can’t,” a short man in the group explained. “And the office is the highest position a prisoner can achieve.”
“But that makes no sense, Bear walks into the office like nothing,” all the prisoners gasped at his words and looked at him as if he was a dead man walking.
‘What the fuck did I get myself into?’
Two weeks before
It took a while for Robert to figure it out but it turned out Bear’s visit to the office meant that he was checking on Robert to see if he was a worthy second. Unfortunately for Robert, he was charming and efficient so he had easily won over most of the staff, even the warren had asked him to help with the financial reports. This meant that in Bear’s eyes, Robert proved himself to be a valuable second and to Grant’s lackeys a dangerous competition.
“You’re not bad at that,” things got worse when the massive man actually began talking to him. Despite his size, Bear actually had a soft and calm voice; his northern accent even made Robert homesick.
“I should be, been doing it all my life,” Robert winced, hoping his natural smartass-ness didn’t offend the man. Instead of being annoyed, Bear made a pensive look and ‘hm-ed’ as if Robert was some interesting new puzzle for him.
‘Fuck me!’
And if that wasn’t complicated enough, Grant had been released from solitary and heard the news about Robert’s new title. “Hey Sugden,” for this reason the blond shouldn’t have been surprised when the man burst into his room. “Heard you got a new job.”
“Not got, earned,” Robert winced internally at his smart mouth which after years, he still couldn’t control.
“Yeah, well you’re going to drop it if you know what’s good for you.”
“If I knew what was good for me, I wouldn’t be here,” again Robert prayed that he gained back control over his mouth. Grant stepped forward almost menacingly, the man was shorter than Robert but built like a steroids fueled gym rat. He had scars all over and his bright red almost orange hair made Robert think of the Weasleys who had never been scary to him.
‘Robert, this man beat someone to death,’ he reminded himself.
At that moment, Robert was sure Grant would kill him but guards interrupted them. “Watch your back,” and with that threat the man was gone. He hoped that things would go back to normal from there but they just got worse. Bear became a regular visitor at the office and always made conversation with Robert which he was too scared to ignore. Even worse, the big man was actually really good company, he had Aaron’s sense of humor and even his same taste, although much like Robert he also liked to read new works and classics.
“First book, beside a porn, was probably Othello,” the man was actually very smart.
“And mine was Matilda,” Robert snarked but this made the big man chuckle.
“You’re kind of a smarmy prat, anyone tell you that,” the big man declared between chuckles.
“Every minute of my life,” Robert shrugged because the man wasn’t angry so he was saved.
He doesn’t know how it happened but Robert soon began to see the big man as a friend. He enjoyed their talks and Bear even respected the fact that Robert wanted nothing to do with the outside battle for power. “I was obsessed with money and power before and look where that got me.” Bear also became the only one that knew about Robert having a husband and to the blonde’s surprise he didn’t care.
“He doesn’t visit,” it wasn’t a question.
“We got divorce, there was no reason he should wait for a husband that was never coming home.”
“You really loved him,” again it wasn’t a question and Robert didn’t answer it.
“Someone would say I’m incapable of love,” he said instead.
“We both know that’s a load of shit. There are plenty of psychos in here,” the massive man pointed out. “All you’ve done is practically little leagues compared to us.” That was another thing about the man, he seemed to know Robert’s entire history.
Bear’s blue eyes and black hair reminded Robert of Aaron, so much so that he often couldn’t look at the man directly. With all this bonding and talking, Robert shouldn’t have been surprised when Bear offered him the position as his second. It was both flattering and hurtful because it was the reminder that this man wasn’t his friend. He wanted to say no but a look from Bear told him that he couldn’t, “can I give you my answer tomorrow?” The big man thought before nodding and leaving Robert.
If Robert had known that was the last time he would’ve seen Bear, he would’ve thanked the man for giving him something that Robert hadn’t had in a long time, normalcy. The man reminded Robert of his old life and for a few brief moments he could pretend that he was in the Mill with Aaron and they were bantering back and forth. It wasn’t love, it was the feeling of something familiar, something he had not known, he desperately needed.
Being taken to the showers by his cellmate who looked apologetic, Robert knew what was coming but he also knew he couldn’t avoid it. It was visiting hour so a good chunk of the prisoners and guards were on the other side of the prison, even Bear had visitors. “Sudgen, I told you to watch your back,” Grant whispered behind him before Robert felt a prick on his back. He fell to his knees and missed the kick to the face before it was too late.
This was how Robert ended up where he currently was, being beaten by Grant and his lackeys. There was a puddle under him and Robert was sure it was of his blood, he had lost track of how long it’s been. He knew his left eye was swollen shut and in his right eye, his vision was red which meant he might have popped a blood vessel. Multiple ribs were broken and at least one punctured his lung, ‘they were already fucked up, now there will be no saving them.’
“You fucking upstarter! I should’ve known that the fucking quite routine had all been a scheme,” each word was followed by a kick.
Robert was sure that his once handsome face was unrecognizable at his point but he could only focus on one word, scheme. That was what he had been known for all his life, whether he wanted to or not, he was Robert Sugden, the schemer, Mr. Shifty, the evil mastermind. It was all he was ever known for but also the only reason people ever wanted or needed me, ‘one of Robert Sugden’s famous schemes to get them out of a jam.’ But as soon as their problem was solved, he was thrown under the bus, he was once again the bad guy.
He thought about when Chas asked him to scheme something to get rid of Gordon and then how they all turned on him, as if it had all been his idea, ‘as if she didn’t ask me to do whatever it takes.’ Then Liv told on him and no one took his side, they all assumed he was capable of the worse, which now he could say that he was. Before the coward off-ed himself, Robert had been planning a way to get rid of him so they hadn’t been completely wrong but he was going to talk to Aaron first.
‘Just when I was going to do things right, sort of,’ another kick to the head blurred his thoughts. ‘Figure it was a scheme I didn’t actually commit that would do me in.’
Robert fears the moment that the adrenaline leaves him and he actually begun to feel the excruciating pain. He was never good at taking physical pain, that was more Aaron’s thing. Robert was more familiar with emotional pain although even then Aaron was stronger. Thinking about his life, Robert wondered what was the point of his existence. With or without his presence life would’ve and had gone on for everyone, ‘in fact for some, without me their life would’ve been better.’
His vision was fading and Robert hoped he died before the pain kicked in, he knew he wasn’t a coward. He thought about Jimmy and the excruciating pain the kid went through every night waiting for someone to help him before it was too much and he had to end it. Robert regretted not being able to do anything, ‘what would he have become if he had been given a chance in life? If there had been someone in his life who worried and cared?’
Robert saw the image of a smiling young man, working at a garage or going to university. He could see him older, opening his own business, getting married and starting his own family, being better than his own parents. He would smile as he watched the young boy get his diploma and take a picture as he waved frantically to gain Robert’s attention, a grin on his face. The grin that this place had taken from him.
Robert thought about Victoria, despite her betrayal, he thought about her getting to live a happy life with Adam. Their adopted children playing in the yard of Keepers Cottage, Victoria’s stomach big with another child she actually wanted and planned for. All thanks to a stranger that she and Adam actually chose together.
Their relationship stronger than ever, Victoria’s catering business really taking off and with her success Adam would decide to be a stay at home father. He saw Andy getting to watch his children grow, being there for Sarah’s treatment. Robert could see Sugden family dinners, he wouldn’t be there but he would be happy if there was even a picture of him on the walls.
A few feet away, in the Mill, Robert could see Aaron and Liv finally getting to be a family together. Aaron would be married to the right guy, one that appreciated him, that loved him and brought out the best in him. Their relationship would be healthy and enviable, they would be nauseatingly cute and in love.
They expanded the Mill to make room for the children they had, a boy and a girl; the girl had a big head and bright eyes like Aaron while the boy would look like Aaron’s beloved husband. Liv would be off to university but would visit every holiday, when they would all get together and laugh.
‘What about you?’
Hands wrapped around his neck and Robert could hear the muffle sound of someone talking but he couldn’t understand their words. The shadow of something above him wasn’t clear enough but he knew that the person was Grant, grinning like the psychopath that he was. ‘He always grinned when he was beating someone.’ His mangled hand was able to reach his ankle thanks to the twisted angle his leg was in. He pulled the piece of paper that he had always carried there and forced his hands to tighten around it so no one could take it from him.
‘In a universe where everyone is happy and healthy, I could only be dead.’
Robert knew that the only way others would be happy was if he wasn’t in their lives. In all their suffering and all their issues, he was the only common factor. ‘So I was the problem,’ and while Robert could never fully stop being selfish, at least in this moment, in his own head, he could be selfless. He felt the vibration of heavy footsteps heading their way instead of hearing them. The hits abruptly stopped and Robert was not sure what was happening, all he knew was that he could now rest. He felt hands on him, they were gentle almost as if holding him together but Robert knew it was too late.
“I wish…” he couldn’t believe that his voice still worked.
“Don’t talk,” he recognized that voice, it was Bear and for once the big man sounded sad.
“We would’ve made great friends,” Robert was not sure what was giving him the strength to talk, maybe it was a small mercy from God or a guardian Angel.
“Yeah, the brains and the brawn,” the big man joked but Robert wanted to shake his head.
“You’re smart, I was never smart. The schemer and the brains,” Robert thought with self-deprecation.
“Don’t sell yourself short, you are brilliant but you just didn’t use it to its full potential.”
“Sound like a teacher,” Robert couldn’t help but snark and this just made the big man chuckle.
“Even in death, you’re a prat,” the man declared and it was almost as if he had always known Robert, as if he had been there through every moment.
“I’m dying then,” Robert confirmed what he already knew and he didn’t need to see to know that Bear nodded somberly. “About time, lots… people about to be very happy.”
“Tell me, Robert Sugden, what would you do if you were given another chance?” There was something different in the big man’s voice, almost a wisdom that seemed ancient.
“Nothing,” Robert chuckled because he wasn’t the protagonist, he wasn’t some selfless hero or a kind soul that deserved a second chance.
“Nothing?”
“The same as always done, manipulate, scheme, plot, be a general nuisance,” he declared shamelessly because Robert had long learned that people like him didn’t change, they got better at being bad or they got worse. That was the only way Robert could go and in his case, he would get better at being bad, he would give them all a reason to hate him.
“That’s not what people normally say when they want a second chance,” the voice declared with some amusement, a part of him was sure that he was no longer talking to Bear.
“Who says I want a chance? I want a chance for Jimmy, Aaron, Victoria,” he thought about someone else, “Julia, Bear.”
“Me?”
“You deserve to put that brain to better use,” Robert half teased.
“What about you?” Robert could only chuckle at the question because he was the villain, it was better for the heroes if he wasn’t alive. “Or maybe the heroes need a villain to help them achieve what they could not, to help them fight the darkness of the world, the darkness only a villain can see and handle.” At those words, Robert simply scoffed, the voice sounded like some celestial being or some wise sage.
“Villains don’t get happy endings,” he just said.
“Do this and you will,” the voice declared. “Save Jimmy, Aaron, Julia, Victoria, save them all and you will get your happy ending.”
“How?”
“By doing what you do best.”
Robert felt a hand on his forehead, one that definitely didn’t belong to the big man who had been by his side and just like that, the world began to fade. He didn’t see his life flash before his eyes like everyone claimed, he didn’t even see a dark tunnel with a white light at the end, ‘maybe because someone like me wasn’t going to the pearly gates.’ But he didn’t even see the burning inferno of his new home, he didn’t see his mother or, fortunately, his father. Once his eyes closed there was nothing, Robert Sugden simply ceased to exist and the world carried on as he went to sleep.
“Remember some things cannot be changed,” those were the last words he heard before nothing else.