Chapter Text
Among other things, Kris struggled with the sound of Velcro. It would be difficult to give an exacting reason why, really, but they were used to that— it was kinda a de facto thing that came with being a human in a place like Hometown (that is, having a body with a lot of annoyed whys pinned to it like little post-it notes), where the only doctors with bodies like theirs were at the city hospital about an hour's drive away. That was, of course, if there was no traffic, which there always was, because they'd been doing construction on the big overpass since they were in fifth grade, which was where every major highway in the local area suddenly has to merge at the exact same time, for some reason, and while the Jersey barriers got shuffled around every once in a while, from three lanes down to two down into one, nothing ever got built.
They had other struggles, too, and honestly they probably had even more now than they did as a kid. At least when they were little, they were still brave enough to try new things, new textures, etc., like eating raisins from those little cardboard boxes they gave you at the Church daycare, which they used to do just for the hell of it; nowadays the smell of raisins was too pungent for them, even though they'd asked Jockington about it during lunch once, way back before it would've been awkward to talk to someone more than two layers removed from your immediate circle of friends (though they could barely be said to even have one layer), and he said there was no real smell to a raisin, and seemed to think it was a really funny question. After that they just started assuming all their tastes were strange, 'cause they only really liked a few foods, including spicy instant ramen and pesto grilled cheese (on sourdough, specifically), though sometimes they'd watch old movies with humans in them where couples ate big vats of spaghetti drenched in red sauce by firelight, their hearts and taste buds ignited by passion, and they wondered why those people seemed to have it all figured out.
Now, this is not to say they wouldn't try some foreign new substance on a dare or a whim— consider, perhaps, earlier this week, when Susie had found a piece of tough pink fluff lodged in the caulk of the back wall in Alphys' room, which could only really be described as seeming vaguely carcinogenic, and dared Kris to lick it like cotton candy for five bucks, to which Kris had decided to swallow the thing whole and make it a double-or-nothing. Of course, they only said that after they'd already swallowed it, which is not how a double-or-nothing works, but they wanted ten bucks really badly so they could buy a lighter they'd bookmarked on some sketchy online storefront that spits out sparks of crimson-red flames.
This particular lighter was stuck on Kris' mind at the moment because of the upcoming class camping trip, which they were supposed to be packing for at this very moment, actually. They figured it'd be a cool gizmo to whip out and terrorize Berdly with, and also maybe start a fire with, if they were feeling up to it. However, they had not bought it, because they had still yet figured out a way to ship packages to themselves discretely without Toriel going through them first, and despite their pleading Susie still refused to let them ship it to her address for indirect pickup.
Again, they really needed to be packing right now, but they kept running into roadblocks: for example, the one big backpack they owned was laced from top to bottom with Velcro straps of adjustable lengths, because it was a hand-me-down from Asriel, so every time they'd actually worked up the focus to throw some more socks in the side pocket they would eventually have to face the Velcro, which sounded like someone was scraping out the insides of their ears with a Q-tip made of chicken wire. So then they'd end up taking a break, to settle themselves down, and then they'd reach for their phone again, and as such the whirlpool of lethargy drew deeper and deeper down the drain. They were a bit surprised just how miserable it made them feel; it was funny such a trivial annoyance had them stewing in nauseous self-hatred all of a sudden, especially considering how much they'd been through recently, with the Dark Worlds collapsing and all.
Kris had attempted to scrub themselves and their memory clean of whatever residual traces might remain from that whole series of events. Despite that, there was still one major holdover from the Dark World escapades lurking in their life, who was currently kneeling on the carpet about six feet beyond the foot of their bed, draped in an aura of serenity. Ralsei folded his laundry bin of borrowed clothes with the piety of a saint, as if each new t-shirt was a new holy relic to be contemplated and cared for with the utmost love. And when the dwindling dusk light took the right angle through the canopies of the trees outside, the silky-soft white fur adorning his face would begin to glow ever so faintly, so for a moment it would seem like he really was a saint in one of those Renaissance frescoes. He hummed to himself, just barely audible, nothing more than a tickle in the air, but Kris leaned closer from their perch on the edge of their bed and listened intently, trying to make sense of it, and all of a sudden all of the other noise in the world didn't seem so loud.
But there was a sudden pause— his floppy ears perked up because of a creak from Kris' bed, and his eyes quickly followed, at first dilated and nervous, their gorgeous dusty pink fully exposed, but soon tranquil once they'd settled on their target. Ralsei was thrilled to have Kris' attention; even though he'd been staying in Asriel's bed for the past few weeks, and was probably going to end up staying there for a while longer, Kris wasn't the type of person to be very talkative when they were in their private spaces, and so the two hadn't talked much more than usual despite suddenly being roommates.
Still, the goat offered a cheery smile. "Hi!!" Then, a giggle. "Are you excited for tomorrow, Kris?"
He thought the way he'd said it was a little funny; he intoned as if Kris was just entering the room, when really they'd been here the whole time. He supposed he'd just gotten a bit too settled into the routine of packing, and forgot their silhouette wasn't just another lamp or chair in his peripheral. It was really quite a meditative thing, even if Kris didn't seem to think so.
Anyhow, he tried his best to sound warm, just like Miss Toriel's fireplace, because Kris seemed down as of late and he'd taken a vow to make them feel smile-worthy. He really was in high spirits for tomorrow's trip, so the enthusiasm wasn't just an act, but there was also a bit of crackling at the edges of his words, maybe more like the blackened logs at the edge of a fire that only smoke and don't burn, since he'd had a very long day at school, too, and his voice was a bit tired. He had been struggling with adjusting to a world where he suddenly knew nothing, instead of everything: he'd even had to ask Noelle to tutor him on decimals and fractions, which she'd been very kind about, but he could tell from the apprehension of the others that it was something he should probably have known a long time ago, and he felt incredible shame that he was unprepared to assist his friends in the kinds of challenges that they tended to face in this world.
Kris nodded along at the goat boy's words and appeared to become possessed by a smile, but it was the kind of snarky-Kris smirk that Ralsei was electing not to count towards his personal mission. "Yup. Camping. It'll be great. Wait 'till you try an outhouse for the first time. Our bathroom's gonna seem like heaven."
"Oh, g-goodness, Kris…" Ralsei ducked his head into his lap and readjusted his glasses before they fell to the floor. He had been told by Kris that hiding your face when talking was considered 'weird' among Lightners, but it was a bad habit he couldn't shake— it was hard for him to not get overwhelmed and have his whole face start glowing bright pink, especially when he was around Kris, and it was too embarrassing for everyone to see that!
But he really wished Kris would stop teasing him about the bathroom incident. It was a relatively minor occurrence, all things considered, from just a few hours after he'd finally managed to leave the Dark World for the very first time. He had been seated on Kris' sofa just trying to rest, when he suddenly felt a really ticklish sensation just beneath his stomach, like nothing he'd ever experienced before, and he'd told Kris he thought something was wrong, like something was about to escape from his body, and he thought it might be was a punishment for his choice to defect from the Darkness. Kris just seemed amused, and proceeded to slip their hand under Ralsei's shirt and press down right on the spot Ralsei was worried about, and when the poor goat squealed in response Kris told him it was just his bladder, and that he just needed to go into the bathroom and take a piss. While Ralsei appreciated Kris' confidence, the whole situation had still been rather upsetting, so he had (politely) requested Kris accompany him into the bathroom to ensure the 'pissing' process went appropriately— to this, Kris began to double over belly laughing and told him to 'please for the love of God go figure it out by yourself.' Of course, he'd since realized using the bathroom was a very simple thing, but it wasn't the sort of moment he'd like to be constantly reminded of.
He had begun to say as much— "I can use the restroom just fine, I p-promise! You don't have to—" but there was a light rapping on the door from outside, and so he dropped back into silence while Kris yelled at the visitor to come in.
Peeking her head through the door was Toriel, wrapped in her staple purple cardigan, looking just about ready for bed. She would have to wake up earlier than usual, too, since she was a chaperone for the trip.
"Hello, children!" She'd had to make a conscious point of not saying my children anymore; she had gotten so used to saying it around the house before Asriel had left for college. To be quite honest, she would be more than happy to embrace Kris' well-mannered friend as one of her own, particularly because it seemed the poor thing did not have a safe home to return to, but she did not want to come across as too forceful, either. "Just checking in to make sure everything is prepared for tomorrow!"
Ralsei beamed. "I'm just about finished now, Miss Toriel!" His backpack— well, Asriel's backpack, really— was stuffed to the brim with an overwhelming mass of stuff, obscured beneath zippers and straps which looked as though they might burst at any moment. "Kris informed me that I might be overpacking for the occasion, but I, um….well, I suppose I just wanted to make sure I have a proper supply of backup undergarments and sleep clothing in the off chance of rain. I also figured it would make for a useful reserve if Kris were to forget anything important!" There was an accusatory edge to that last bit of his chirping which Kris did not appreciate.
"That's wonderful to hear, Ralsei. And I am sure your judgment is appropriate— you are a very thoughtful young man!" Toriel then turned to face her own child, deepening her tone. "And, err, Kris, I trust everything is coming along with you as well?"
"Uh, yep."
"I don't see very much in that bag of yours, honey."
"It's fine, mom." Does she really have to do this right now? They were going to pack later anyways (in theory), but they'd also survive just fine with the clothes of their back if they had to. They weren't exactly a stranger to re-wearing certain preferred articles.
"Well, Kris, the forecast is saying that the temperature could drop to below forty degrees at night, so I just want to make sure you're appropriately prepared. You could get seriously sick." Toriel had drawn up that sickly saccharine smile of disappointment again, the type that tells you that you're going to have to talk about this when you're not in the presence of outside company.
"Oo-kay. I'll bring a coat then."
While Toriel furrowed her brow at the indignity she was being served by her own child, Ralsei suddenly lit up again and raised an upstretched finger, as if he was a excited little pupil in one of her classes. "Um, I can always assist Kris with packing to ensure they'll be properly prepared, so please don't worry, Miss Toriel!"
Kris was vaguely insulted, but not enough to refuse the offer. "Yeah, see? Rals's got it."
Toriel's mouth coalesced into the general shape of a smile again, but she was mostly just grinding her teeth. "Ralsei, you will do no such thing. Kris, I expect to see you fully packed and prepared by yourself before you go to bed tonight, or we are going to have a serious problem on our hands. Am I understood?"
"Can you get out now?"
"I said, am I understood?"
"Yeah, whatever, bye."
The door clicked shut with a firm thump of air behind it. To Ralsei, it kind of felt like everything in the room had suddenly been imbued with some kind of dangerous electricity, and he didn't really want to touch anything, or even breath too heavily. That was the funny thing about the Light World— there was no magic, but every so often you'd look at an object only for the lighting to change, or for your mood to change, or for someone to tell you to look at a certain spot on it, and sometimes it was as if you were looking at a different thing entirely, as if it'd magically transformed. It had gotten darker outside, so once the door had closed there wasn't much for light in the room at all, but neither of them wanted to walk through the static to turn on the light-switch, so they both just sat alone in the dark for a while.
"K-Kris, I…" He had to gulp down saliva as he tried to organize his thoughts. "I wish you'd be a little kinder to Miss— um, to your mother. I understand she might—"
"I wish you wouldn't try forcing yourself into shit you don't know about."
They hated it as soon as they said it; they wished they could run to the downstairs closet to get the mop and clean up all the words they'd just thrown up all over the rug and swallow them right back down their throat. But they couldn't do that, because there was no magic in this world, and because they were a useless excuse for a person in this world, so they just fell back into their pillow and refused to move their shaggy bangs out of their eyes when they'd fallen askew across their face.
Ralsei actually let out a audible gasp when he'd heard Kris' comment, as humiliating as it was authentic. He was still kneeling on the floor, but his legs had started to shake so bad that he could barely keep his balance, so he let his shivering palms rest against the ground for support. There was a sharp burning suddenly pushing at the edges of his tear-ducts, like the time he'd gotten smoke in his eyes from Kris overcooking a batch of muffins in the oven, but he really tried to hold himself together, and ended up leaving deep marks in the rug from where he was digging in with his fingertips. His voice had regressed into a pathetic, whimpering thing. "I'm so sorry, Kris, I'm….you're right! You're absolutely right! I'm sorry, gosh, I can't…" He briefly lifted his glasses to wipe his eyes. "I just— I just get so worried about you, Kris, because I can see how much you've been…struggling, but I…end up getting too far ahead of myself. I'm…sorry if I'm only making things more difficult for you."
There was an uncertain pause— Kris knew better than to start talking, and Ralsei knew it probably wasn't fair to say what was on his heart right now, but he couldn't quite hold it in before it was suddenly leaking out of him anyways. "I k-know, uhm, that we've…already discussed this before, but, Kris, if my presence in this world ever becomes too much of a burden to you, sealing the School's fountain would already be a much safer alternative to our current situation, so I really would encourage—"
"No. Ralsei, no. Stop. Stop talking." They growled under their breath as they stumbled out of bed and knelt down on the floor beside the dimly lit figure of their friend. It was a bit awkward for a moment, with the two of them now only inches apart, just breathing at each other, but suddenly Kris lunged out with both hands to wrap Ralsei up into a deep hug, unapologetically impassioned. "It's not you, Rals. It was never about you." They tucked the words into the crook of his velvety ear with a gentle touch, like they were playing a lullaby real soft on the piano. "Sorry if I lash out sometimes, or if I seem all messed up. But, please, don't say stuff like that about yourself. You're awesome, dude. You're the only thing keeping me sane these days. Even if I'm bad at showing it." The ends of their voice petered off into the static of the air.
"T-thank you…" Ralsei was really just a puddle of tears by this point. He didn't even mind that he couldn't catch every one of Kris' words, because Kris had made him feel so tremendously warm by just being there at all— but the words he did pin down, he wanted to carry around with him for the rest of his life. "I don't deserve your kindness, Kris…"
"Yeah, I know. You deserve a lot better."
"Oh, s-stop that!" The knot in his throat loosened up a bit as he snickered. "There's nothing in the world that makes me happier…than just being held by you like this."
That comment specifically emitted a strange pull from the depths of Kris' gut. It kinda felt like a bigger admission in scale, because he knew Ralsei wasn't often hyperbolic in his speech, and that he may well have really meant that being touched by Kris was truly his favorite thing in the world. They weren't quite sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing— if they'd made a horrible mistake or if that was the most beautiful sentence they'd ever heard— but it definitely made them feel uncomfortable, so they didn't respond, and instead elected to sway in silence for a while. Just sharing the moment with Ralsei was nice, even without words.
Not too much happened after that hug: Kris briefly wandered off to throw the bare minimum of stuff their mother would require of them into Azzy's stupid bag, but both of them went off to bed pretty early.
In terribly embarrassing fashion, Ralsei found himself wrapping up a second blanket into a cocoon-esque form and pretending it was Kris as he laid sleeplessly with it in between his arms. There was a flustering, hot sensation in his stomach every time he imagined being so close to Kris, and the more he thought about it, the more it became like putting his hand closer and closer to the stove-top, scary but maybe also just a tiny bit exciting. He thought it was unfair that even in the elusive moments when he could hug the real Kris, he could only touch about half of them at a time— he wished there was a way to flatten their bodies out like you do when you calculate the circumference of a circle, and then run the two of them flat against each other so that they could feel all of each other at the same time. Is that a normal thing to want to do with your friends? Sometimes when Ralsei thought too much about Kris, the fluttering heat would rise up into his ribcage and start to get way too hot, until it felt painful, like something was pulling apart his sinews of his heart piece by piece, and he'd have to take a break to think about something else for a while, like his favorite birds or one of Susie's funny jokes. Needless to say, his mind was so preoccupied that he'd only managed to sleep for a couple of hours. Ever since he'd come to the Light World, his friendship with Kris had suddenly begun causing him a great deal of stress, which he didn't think was a good thing for a friendship, but it was a very peculiar kind of stress that almost made him feel good sometimes.
Kris didn't sleep very well either, though they were naturally a light sleeper. Despite themselves, they couldn't stop turning over to watch Ralsei, asleep on the other side of the room. His form rose and fell under his comforter in steady rhythm, like gentle waves crashing on the shore, and every so often a soft cry would emerge from his breaths, the coo of a dove. They felt like they were seeing something far more beautiful than they had any right to look at. Above him were the glow-in-the-dark stars and cross-country trophies and academic medals that Asriel had collected, newly Lysol'ed and dusted off and made pretty by Ralsei himself, and Kris thought he fit in perfectly with the scenery. Of course he did.
Kris wiped away a tear and turned over again, hoping to at least catch a few hours before tomorrow.