Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

            It really was a mindfuck. Nat had been presumed dead for nineteen months, was miraculously rescued, then miraculously survived starvation and being shot. Twice. The story of the Yellowjackets’ rescue made national news. International news. Reporters were everywhere, cameras flashing, outpourings of support from the public. People she’d never seen before were holding welcome signs, balloons, and sending endless well-wishes. But her mom? The person who should have been crying happy tears, asking her how she was feeling, and holding her tight? She couldn’t care less. She didn’t pick up the phone when the hospital called, nonetheless pick Natalie up from across the continent. How shitty of a mom was she that she wouldn’t come get Nat under THOSE circumstances? Or…how shitty of a kid was Nat that her mom wouldn’t get her, even under those circumstances? Nat’s chest felt like it was crumbling. She felt like the little girl she’d been growing up in that stupid, ugly trailer again. A waste of space. Useless. Totally unlovable.

            Natalie sniffed, holding tears in her eyes. She tried to steady her breathing before Hannah noticed, but it was too late. Hannah heard and looked towards her from the driver’s seat.  

“Oh, honey,” she said gently. “I know that was hard, but you were so brave. I’m so proud of you.”

That did it, it always did it now. Nat’s stifled sniffles turned into loud, heavy sobs. Nat could sit through the nastiest insults or scariest threats and not let a tear fall. She could stand tall, ready to fight. But Hannah’s kindness? The hugs, loving words, and that running her finger along her nose? That made her bawl her eyes out. It was like all her feelings and organs fell out of her body, like she had no control. She felt small, scared, confused. She was a rotten kid, unwanted, and deserving of a lot of equally bad things. How else could all of this have happened? Her body heaved forward, and a pain shot through her abdomen. “OW!” she cried gripping the healed gunshot wound. She cried harder, from pain, and frustration that she was still in pain.

“Natalie, try to breathe. Breathe honey, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Hannah lowered her voice, “Fuck, I need to pull over.” She changed lanes a little too fast to get onto the shoulder of the highway, where she jerked the car into park and rushed to the passenger side door. She popped it open and unbuckled Nat’s seat belt, wrapping her arms around her. “Shh, my sweet girl. It’s all over now.” Hannah held Natalie’s head to her shoulder with one hand and rubbed her back with the other. “We’re both going to have a new life. Okay?”

Natalie was still shaking with sobs, trying to slow her breathing. She gripped Hannah tightly. “Oh-oh-kay.”

“That’s my girl.” She kissed Nat’s head and held her until she stopped crying, and her breathing was calm. Hannah pulled Nat away gently and cupped her cheek, “There, it’s going to be okay. No, it’s going to be MUCH better than before! I’ll make sure of it.” She paused. “Want a sip of water?”

Natalie coughed and nodded. Hannah reached for the console to grab a bottle of water. Nat’s hands trembled as she took the bottle and brought it to her lips, water dripping down her chin as she drank.

Hannah gently wiped Nat’s chin and smoothed her hair. Nat gulped, “Thank you.”

Hannah smiled at her and stood up. Nat closed the door and re-buckled her seat belt as Hannah slipped back in the driver seat, on her way to her house in Rhode Island.

It was different than Natalie pictured. Smaller. Though she spent her life growing up in a trailer, she was accustomed to seeing the significantly larger houses in Wiskayok. But it wasn’t just the size, the shape was different than she was used to. Hannah’s house looked like two triangles stacked in front of one another. The kind of triangle that has no equal sides. Isosceles? No, that wasn’t it. Natalie tried to remember the proper geometric term, but 10^th grade geometry felt too far away to pull that memory to the surface. Maybe she’d never actually learned it anyway. The larger triangle formed the bulk of the house with a steep slant towards the ground. The smaller triangle framed the doorway and a staircase of three stone steps. It was painted white, with blue trim. There was a small front yard with half-burnt grass and some scraggly bushes. A fenced-in backyard was partially visible from the driveway, and Nat could see some neglected toys against the fence. There was an orange hoppity hop, some hula hoops, and an old big wheel caked in grime leaning against the chain link. Natalie felt a whisper of longing. She’d always wanted a big wheel, and had asked for one a few birthdays or Christmases but never got one. Her old friend Johnny had one he let her try a few times, and that was fun. But he played too rough with it, and it broke. He didn’t get another one.

“What do you think?” Hannah’s voice was anxious.

Was she actually worried Nat wouldn’t think it was good enough? That was crazy. After coming back from the Wiskayok trailer park, and living in the Wilderness, how could Hannah ever think this could be a downgrade? “It’s perfect,” Nat smiled at her.

Hannah breathed out a sigh of relief and turned off the ignition. “Okay, let’s get your stuff.” She popped the trunk and pulled the two suitcases out as Natalie slowly exited the car. Walking steadily was still difficult, but she didn’t want Hannah to know that.

“I can take one,” she offered.

Hannah shook her head and dragged both bags to the door, resting them on the ground as she unlocked it. By the time Nat climbed the stairs while gripping the rod iron banister, Hannah already had them inside.

“I’ll give you the grand tour before I show you your room and you can get settled. Do you need to use the bathroom? It’s right over here,” Hannah walked a few feet to the left and pointed. Nat shook her head. “Okay, well I do,” Hannah laughed. “Don’t go anywhere!”

Nat nodded and looked at the living room. There was a big, dark blue couch, end tables on either side, and good-sized TV. A VCR rested on top, and a VHS cabinet sat beside it. Some videos with the large, plastic cases that couldn’t fit in the cabinet were stacked on top. Most appeared to be Disney movies. Nat briefly wondered if they had Roger Rabbit, she liked that one. Photos of Alex at different ages hung on the wall, along with one of Hannah with her family at her college graduation. The carpet was pink, dulled from years of dirt, and the walls beige. There wasn’t much stuff in there, just some books stacked on the side table. It looked lived in, in a good way.

Hannah emerged from the bathroom, drying her hands on her pants. “Well, this is the living room.” Her hand touched Nat’s shoulder and steered her forward. “This is the kitchen.” There were a few brown cabinets and a white tile floor, with white countertops, chipped at the edges. A black stove sat in the middle near the back door, looking out of place. Beside it, a white refrigerator was covered in children’s magnets, drawings, and stickers.

“Dining area over here,” Hannah motioned to the side where a wood dining set with four chairs and a floral tablecloth sat. Nat nodded again and they went back in the other direction. “Here’s the bathroom,” she pointed, and Nat stood at the doorway and nodded. It was very blue, including the tile, toilet and bathtub.  “This is my room,” Hannah opened the next door and Nat peeked in to see that Hannah had a bedspread that was green, with plants, and her walls were lined with packed bookshelves and a disheveled desk. “Alex’s room,” She opened a door and revealed a room that looked like it had exploded. The bed was unmade, with toys, markers, coloring books and some clothes covering the floor. Hannah groaned in embarrassment. “Ah yes, Alex’s room normally looks like we just had a tornado. I’ll have to get on her to clean it once I pick her up.”

“It’s ok,” Nat cut in. “It’s just a bit messy, and she’s a kid.”

“She’ll certainly be happy to have you on her side for that argument!” Hannah stepped towards the last door and looked at Nat guiltily. “This is going to be your room…It used to be part library, playroom, storage. I wish I had something more to offer but…”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Natalie said, opening the door herself. The room was very small, but so was the one she grew up in. She didn’t think it was intended to be a bedroom, but couldn’t figure out what it was supposed to be. It was L shaped, with about three feet of entryway on the small side of the L. The tall part reached back about ten feet and was about five feet wide. There was enough room for a twin bed and a nightstand, but no other furniture. It reminded her of Lottie’s walk-in closet. But the room did have a large closet, that comically narrowed on the long side of the L, technically making it more of a T. The closet had old dresser, long bar for clothing, and was lined with some shelves and a few cupboards. A stack of boxes that looked like Christmas decorations still sat in the back. Natalie looked at Hannah, who had a guilty expression on her face.

“Hannah, why do you look so worried? I just spent a year and a half living with over a dozen other girls in a cramped cabin and handmade tent in the Wilderness. This room is the best thing I could have hoped for.”

Hannah smiled sheepishly. “I’m glad you like it. And you can decorate it however you want—if you want to paint or put up posters or anything. We can get you some new sheets, these are old ones of Alex’s. I’ll get your bags, and if you want to rest for a while, you can.”

Before Nat could respond, Hannah was out the door. Nat examined the bed. It was covered in a blue comforter featuring the Muppets. It had a few stains, and a hand crocheted blanket with stripes of pastel colors sat at the foot of the bed. Natalie ran her hand over it, remembering the blanket she had when she was younger. She’d have packed that in her things to bring here if it was still around. She was surprised how her throat still clinched when she thought about it, it felt silly. It was so long ago, and it was only a stupid blanket.

Hannah dragged Nat’s luggage to the door. “I almost forgot!” she rushed out again and came back with a shopping bag. “I got you a few things I thought you might need.” It was plopped on the bed, and Nat opened it. It was full of toiletries, along with a few packaged pairs of pajamas, socks and underwear. “If there’s anything you don’t like, I can just return it.”

Emotion hung heavy in Nat’s chest as she looked at it. It wasn’t much, just boring stuff like a toothbrush, deodorant, and clothes from Costco. But she almost wanted to cry, wanted to hold onto Hannah to thank her for not only thinking of things she needed, but buying them too. “Thank you,” she said thickly. “I really mean it. You’ve done so much for me, more than anyone.”

Hannah’s face softened. “Not nearly what you deserve, honey. Now…I need to go pick up Alex and get some shopping done because we barely have any food in the house. Do you want to come or…?”

“I’m tired,” Nat admitted. “And you should go spend time with Alex. She needs her mom.”

Hannah paused as though she was holding something back. “Okay. Do you want me to get you anything from the store? I’ll get you anything you like.”

Nat shook her head. The idea of food still made her feel sick. The feeding tube was bizarre and uncomfortable, but it lacked the stress of eating normally. The smelling, the tasting, the chewing, the swallowing. The revulsion was too much sometimes. It demonstrated itself violently, in how quickly she could vomit after tasting food she didn’t like, or one that somehow reminded her of anything she ate in the Wilderness. The dull ache of hunger was familiar, and preferable to nausea.

“All right, you can get settled. Oh, I did forget to show you the basement but it’s a bit dingy and we only do laundry down there. Feel free to unpack or shower or take a nap. I’ll be back in about two hours.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Hannah kissed her head and was out the door before Nat could take her paper bag of supplies to her new closet. She placed the unwrapped clothes in a dresser drawer, and padded to the bathroom. She slipped the toothbrush into the toothbrush holder with Hannah and Alex’s, and the facewash and deodorant in the medicine chest. Putting such personal items alongside theirs felt strange. The reality was hitting her that she had moved in with Hannah. And her child. How weird that was. How lucky she was. How terrified she was. She swallowed heavily, unwanted emotion seeping into her mind. Natalie went back to her new bedroom and saw her suitcases at the entrance. They were filled with things from home, and even then, they weren’t totally full. How was it that she had so little to show for her 18 years of life? It’s not even like her mom had thrown stuff out since she was presumed dead. Instead of unpacking, she shoved them into the closet. She kicked her shoes and socks off, avoiding bending over.

Natalie plopped on the bed--a little harder than she should have, as it shot a sharp pain through her abdomen and made her wince. She clutched herself and cursed. Much more gingerly, she laid down on the bed, head resting on the pillow. Exhaustion washed over her, as if it finally had time to make itself known. She really was tired. It was still a constant annoyance that her body couldn’t move as quickly or easily as it used to, but she was more exhausted emotionally. The contrast of seeing her mother shrug off her return from the grave, and Hannah go above and beyond to take care of her was still messing with her head. Hannah was treating her like she was family, or someone important. It felt so nice. It felt so nice that Nat thought it wasn’t possible it could be real. That at any moment Hannah would realize how Nat is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve to be taken care of, or in her house. Nat shook her head, and decided to just enjoy this while it lasts.

She felt the soft material of the crocheted blanket on her feet, and pushed it up so she could grab it. Nat ran her finger along the different colored stripes. Again, it made her think of her childhood blanket. They looked nothing alike, except using the same color palette. This was a handmade crocheted item, while hers was probably from the baby section of some department store. Nat’s blanket was mostly white, with cartoonish pink, blue and yellow stuffed animals covering it. The elephant was her favorite. She sighed, feeling stupid that she still remembered it so well, and worse, that she still missed it. Nat held the new blanket against her face. It smelled like Hannah, a safe, comforting scent that made her breathing slow with relaxation.

As Natalie lay there in the bed, her bed, a thought entered her mind. This was the first time she had the safety of privacy in nearly two years. Sure, she could go off in the woods alone, but she was exposed to the elements, and anyone on the team could have run into her. Now? Now she was in her own room, with a soft bed, pillow and blankets, just for her. There was a bathroom, electricity, and a refrigerator. She could stay warm, clean, and physically comfortable. No one was going to throw her out of bed in the middle of the night or start screaming at her. She smiled as she pushed her face into the blanket and sighed with contentment. After an unnecessary glance around the room, Natalie stopped repressing the urge she’d had since she first thought of her old blanket, and slipped her thumb into her mouth. An almost-forgotten sensation of comfort spread through her body as she softly sucked on her thumb, surrendering to sleep.

Chapter Text

Hannah backed out of the driveway and pulled down the first side street to park. She exhaled heavily and rubbed her palm down her face. She cried and hit the dashboard with her fist. “Fucking bitch,” she said aloud to herself. Hannah had been withholding her rage and sadness for four hours, since they left Wiskayok. Technically, she’d been holding it in since they arrived in Wiskayok. What the hell was wrong with that woman? Hannah had expected Vera Scatorccio to break down at the sight of Natalie, and beg her to stay. She hoped there would be a logical reason as to why she’d not responded to the hospital’s calls—maybe a hospitalization of her own? An unpaid phone bill? She was already bracing herself for Nat to change her mind about coming to Rhode Island when she saw her mother, her home.

Hannah had admittedly never been inside a trailer and told herself the stereotypes about them and their residents were just hogwash meant to demonize the poor. But then they got there.

            Nat knocked on the door. After a minutes-long pause, an obese woman with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth flung it open. Hannah stepped back. This was not how she pictured Natalie’s mother.   

“Hi, Mom,” Nat said softly. Her shoulders were hunched, head hanging, but at a tilt, so she could see her mother.

“Expected you earlier,” Vera grunted, moving away from the doorway. “Well, come on in.”

Hannah’s eyes widened with shock. That was her response? An annoyed, “come on in”? THAT was her reaction to seeing her severely injured daughter after she was presumed dead and went through absolute hell to come back to her?

“We hit some traffic.” Natalie sounded defeated. She tried to walk up the rickety metal steps and stumbled. Instinctively, Hannah reached both hands under Nat’s arms to steady her as she climbed, one foot at a time. “I got you,” Hannah whispered, following closely behind.

“Thanks,” Nat said breathlessly, trying to hide how much effort she was exerting.

The smell of cigarettes overwhelmed Hannah so much she instantly choked. It was like entering a literal cigarette, everything looked dirty and brown. The floor appeared to be covered in some sort of film, and Hannah heard a sickening, dry squich when she pulled up the sole of her shoe.

Vera watched them curiously and cleared her throat with a wet gurgle. “You’re Anna, right?”

“Hannah,” she said sharply, wrinkling her nose.

“Right, Hannah. Well, if you still want Natalie’s things, go ahead.” She looked at Nat.  “Room’s right where you left it. I sold that tape player of yours, but everything else should be there.”

Nat nodded silently and turned right. Hannah followed, feeling sicker and sicker with every new thing she saw. She told herself she needed to ignore it now and process it later. Now she must be stoic and strong. Natalie needed that support. She needed an adult who would take charge, so she didn’t have to. Someone who would put Natalie’s needs, protection and care before her own selfish desires. Blowing up at this vile woman, or expressing the horror she felt about seeing the squalid state of the place would definitely upset Nat. It may even be traumatic. So Hannah set her jaw and watched Natalie turn her doorknob and push the door open. The door stopped halfway with a clunk.

Nat grunted out a small laugh. “Never could fit those drawers in all the way.”

Her room was covered in a layer of dust, musty with abandonment. Hannah thought she might sneeze. It looked like nothing had been touched or moved since Natalie flew off to Seattle. At least, it had the undisturbed, chaotic disorder of adolescence. It wasn’t unlike the typical condition Alex’s room really, just with more mature debris scattered where it didn’t belong. Cassette tapes instead of toys, hand drawn sketches instead of coloring books.

Nat stood silently, taking a long, lingering look at every corner of her room. She must have been thinking about the life she had before the crash, or maybe how she never thought she would see that room again. Hannah’s chest ached. That poor baby had been through so much. Too much. She put her hand on Nat’s shoulder, hoping to comfort her. But Natalie unexpectedly reacted by flinching and whirling around with a gasp. Hannah gasped back in surprise as Nat stared at her in terror, her chest trembling with rapid breaths.

“Honey, honey, I’m sorry I startled you,” Hannah blurted out, worried she sounded equally panicked

Nat’s breathing didn’t slow, but relief spread through her face as she realized who the hand belonged to. She nodded quickly and swallowed. “Sorry,” she rasped. “I didn’t expect anyone to touch me.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

Nat’s breathing returned to normal as she nodded. She kept her head down and cleared her throat. “Yeah, um…I think we need those bags we brought. To put stuff in.”

“Right! You stay here and I’ll go run to get them.” Hannah turned away quickly and exited the trailer. She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her mouth in shock. In horror. In pain. This place was appalling. How could Nat have grown up here? What types of awful things happened while she was living there? She knew Natalie had experienced some sort of abuse; but knowing that and seeing where it took place, along with the woman who took part in (or ignored) that abuse, was completely different. It was overwhelming. She wanted to protect Nat and take care of her even more now. She would give her everything she needed, no, everything she deserved. Hannah took a few deep breaths before opening the trunk of her car and removed two empty, roller suitcases. She brought them back to the trailer and opened the door, wobbling with a bag in each hand.

            The sound of a sitcom’s laugh track echoed through the trailer. Natalie’s mother was in a recliner chair, illuminated by blue television light, cough-laughing at a wisecrack.

            Doesn’t she even care?! Anger boiled hot in Hannah’s chest. No, she told herself. You have to do what’s best for Natalie.

            “You know,” Hannah said with a louder-than-normal voice. “It’s totally fine if you want to spend some time alone with Natalie. You could help her pack. I’m sure you want to catch up, especially after such an ordeal.”

            Vera turned her head to look at Hannah for a moment before muttering, “yeah,” as she turned back to her show. “Maybe later.”

            Hannah felt ready to explode. She fisted her hands and pushed down angry curses as she stared at Vera, lazily watching TV as though this were any other morning. Stop, she told herself. You can’t do this now. Hannah bit her cheek and clumsily wheeled the suitcases into Natalie’s room, bumping into the narrow walls.

            She found Nat sitting on the floor with downcast eyes, fiddling with some bottles of nail polish. “It’s all dried out,” Nat said dully.

            “I’ll get you some new nail polish, honey. We can even go get manicures together if you want.”

            “Thanks.” She didn’t look up, just continued to poke at items in a small make-up box.

            Hannah’s throat felt dry, and she tried to think of what to say. How could she make this better? How could she lessen this blow? Just avoid talking about how Nat’s mother was ignoring her?

            “Um, do you want to get some of your clothes?” Hannah asked, pushing one suitcase further into the room.

            Nat nodded, turning a suitcase onto its back and unzipping it. The top flopped against the bed at a 90-degree angle, threatening to fall back.

            “It,” Nat croaked, almost at a whisper. “It didn’t used to be this bad.” She briefly glanced at Hannah, then back at the empty suitcase. “It wasn’t…this dirty. She used to clean better. Things were kind of always a mess, like…cluttered, but not like this.”

            “I’m not worried about that,” Hannah lied. “I’m not judging you.”

            Nat snorted out a sad laugh. “It’s okay. I’ve always known we were trailer trash. Just…it wasn’t always this gross.” She picked up the buckle on the luggage strap and tossed it back.

            The tension was so thick Hannah couldn’t stand it, so she bent down and pulled a drawer open. “Why don’t we start packing some of your clothes?”

            Natalie nodded and unceremoniously grabbed a stack of clothes from the drawer and plopped them into the suitcase.

            It took less than an hour for Nat to collect up her clothing, jewelry, music, and a few other odds and ends. Each suitcase was no more than half full. They probably could have just used one.

            Hannah pushed the closed suitcases out the door before helping Natalie to her feet.

            “We’re about to head out,” she enunciated towards Vera.

            “Did you get all the stuff?” She actually got out of her chair. “Or do I have to throw shit out too?”

            Yet again, Hannah was gob smacked. Natalie gave a monotone reply, “We’re not taking the furniture or anything. Maybe you can sell it.”

            “Hmmph,” she frowned. “Probably can’t get much for it.”

            Nat shrugged. “Sorry.”

            Hannah grabbed both suitcases tightly and opened the door before she cracked Vera Scatorccio’s head into the wall. She couldn’t imagine how she would feel if she thought Alex was lost and dead for over a year, seeing her finally come home emaciated and unable to walk without a wobble to her gait. She knew she’d probably hold her for hours and be unable to stop crying tears of relief. Hannah thought she’d been filled with hate other times in the past several months, at Shauna and Lottie. But what she was feeling now? This was on a whole new level.

            She shoved the suitcases in the trunk and saw Nat at the doorway. It looked like Vera was talking, but she wasn’t sure. Maybe she’d at least tell Nat she was glad she was alive.

            Nat nodded to her mother and looked at her briefly before turning to step out of the trailer. As soon as she placed her foot on the first step her body crumpled like a ragdoll.

            “Natalie!” Hannah shouted, rushing to catch her. Natalie let out a gasp of pain and the sound Hannah knew she made when trying muffle her crying. Hannah gripped Natalie above her sharp ribs and wrapped an arm around her lower back to settle her feet on the ground. Nat clung to Hannah’s shoulders breathing heavily with pain, her legs unable to support her weight.

            “Why can’t she walk?” Vera asked, finally sounding somewhat alarmed.

            “She’s been shot,” Hannah spat out. “TWICE.”

            “Shit,” Vera chuckled, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “Like father, like daughter I guess.”

            Natalie whimpered and clutched Hannah’s shoulders tighter.

            “We’re going now,” Hannah said firmly, putting a protective hand on Natalie’s head. “Come on sweetheart.” Nat leaned heavily on Hannah as she helped her to the car and sat her in the passenger seat. Her breathing was still labored, but she looked like she could hold it together. Hannah wasn’t sure if she should encourage her to let it out or wait until she was ready. Vera’s distant cough and the slam of the trailer door made her decide to wait.  

            “Just relax now baby, I’m taking you home,” she said softly to Natalie.

            Hannah calmed down enough before she started driving to her parents’ place to pick up Alex. Relief and excitement filled her chest. It had been so hard to leave her again to pick up Natalie, even if it was just for a week. She walked through the door and saw Alex carefully placing fuse beads onto a spiked mold of a horse. Her head shot up when she heard the door and she raced to Hannah. “MOM!”

            “Hey!” Hannah smiled, hugging her daughter tight.

            “You’re home!” Hannah’s mother said, coming out of the kitchen to kiss her cheek.

            “Where’s Natalie?” Alex asked.

            Hannah paused. “She was really tired from the trip, and wanted to rest. You’ll see her at home, but she may not be up to a lot. But you and I need to go grocery shopping and get dinner. How about pizza?”

            “Yes!” Alex jumped. “And cheesy bread too?”

            “Of course! How could we have pizza without the cheesy bread?”

Alex smiled and ushered Hannah to the table to show off the horse she was making, and the frog she already completed.

            “See Mom? It’s a poison dart frog. I made him blue and black.”

            “Wow, it looks just like the real ones. You even got the perfect shade of blue. I’ll make sure not to touch him!”

            Alex laughed. “Grandma, can you keep the horse somewhere so I can finish it next time?”

            “You go on.” Hannah’s mother nodded and started cleaning up Alex’s crafts.

            “All right, let’s get your shoes and go to the store.”

            Alex flew to the door with an eagerness Hannah had thought she’d outgrown. Just six months ago, if she told Alex to get ready for the supermarket, she’d have groaned and taken fifteen minutes to find her shoes. She probably would’ve asked to stay at her grandparents’ while Hannah went alone, and join her for pizza pick-up later.

              Now? Alex couldn’t wait to do anything with her mom. It made Hannah feel good, seeing how much her daughter wanted her around. She’d slept in bed with her every night when she’d come back from Canada the first time. She wondered as they got in the car if Alex was going to continue co-sleeping, or go back to her own room. Not only that, but it was at Alex’s desire to stay close to her that made Hannah worry. Would she be ok seeing Hannah hugging and doting on Natalie? Would she be jealous? Natalie still needed so much help, not just emotionally, but to physically care for her until her body was stronger.

            Hannah swallowed her anxiety. No, she told herself, Alex was a sweetheart. She was kind, understanding. Her teachers always said she was helpful to the younger kids and immediately befriended that new girl who had cancer, even when the other kids were uncomfortable around her. Not only that, but she talked Natalie up so much that Alex seemed to love her already. How could she not love the girl who saved her mother’s life? Who returned her from certain death in the Wilderness? Hannah hadn’t told Alex the gory details of her months-long traumatic trip, and she never would. But she did tell her she was lost in the woods--hungry, cold, and would have died if not for the rescue team Natalie called. That alone made Alex (and Hannah’s family) more than willing to accept the crazy idea of her bringing a strange teenager into her home.

            Alex even seemed excited as they strolled through the aisles of the store, grabbing their usual foods off the shelves and dropping them in the cart. Hannah saw the meat aisle and a wave of fear made her breath catch.

            “You ok?” Alex asked, noticing too much.

            “Yeah,” Hannah smiled. “Just stubbed my toe.”

            “Okay. Are we getting any chicken cutlets? Or steak?”

            Hannah could agree with Natalie on one thing—meat was not something she found appetizing anymore. But while she no longer wanted to cook a London Broil, she knew Alex loved her breaded chicken cutlets, and wouldn’t deny her. She would brave through it, and Natalie could stay in her room while she cooked.

            “Uh, yeah. You can go run and grab a pack of chicken cutlets.” She tried to steady her breathing as Alex carefully inspected the different packages of chicken in the meat fridge.

            “What are Natalie’s favorite foods?” she asked, putting the chicken in the cart. “We should get some for her.”

            Hannah’s heart melted. Why was she worried? Of course Alex would think of Natalie, and want to be considerate of her likes and dislikes. “I don’t really know. She went without food for a long time and got a bad injury to her stomach, so she couldn’t eat much without getting sick in the hospital. She can’t eat meat, and her stomach is still very sensitive, so probably gentle foods.”

            Alex absorbed this knowledge and nodded pensively. “I know what we can get her.” She put her hand on the edge of the cart and pulled it towards the soup and beans aisle. “Like what I eat when I’m sick,” Hannah reached to the shelf, pulling out a can of Campbell’s chicken and stars. She paused, her brow furrowing as she checked the label. “Oh, wait. Chicken is meat. I’ll get the vegetable and tomato soup instead. Does she like vegetables?”  

            “We can ask her when we get home. Just get a can of each and if she likes them, we’ll get more.” The soup went into the cart.

            “Ooh, crackers too!” Alex pulled the cart to the next aisle, tossing a box of saltines into the cart. “The school nurse always gives us those if we have a stomachache.”

            Hannah watched with amusement as Alex declared they should also get Natalie pastina, cream of wheat, ginger ale, and Pedialyte in case she got sick. It seemed her daughter had thought out a potential menu for Natalie’s delicate constitution better than she had.

            The pile of food in the cart seemed three times bigger than it was on typical shopping trips, and Hannah hoped it was that meant Nat would want to eat some of it. After a quick stop at Dominoes to grab dinner, it was nearly dusk when they pulled in the driveway.

            “Hey, a few ground rules. You are not to ask anything about when Natalie and I were lost in the woods. Those are very painful memories for her, and I don’t want to bring them up. She’s also still very skinny from not eating and being sick, so don’t make any comments about it.”

Alex huffed and rolled her eyes. “Come on, Mom. I’m not stupid. I’m going to say anything mean to her. And I won’t talk about her being lost, either.

“And I need you to go in quietly,” Hannah added, unbuckling her seatbelt. “Natalie might be taking a nap, and I don’t want you to wake her up.”

            “But what about dinner? Doesn’t she need to eat?”

            “We can save some for her and heat it up later. Or if the pizza’s too much for her I’ll make her something you picked for her.”

            Alex smiled. “Okay.” She got out of the car with their takeout, waiting for her mom to unlock the door.

            Hannah probably should have made two trips for all the grocery bags, but she was determined. She huffed as she set the bags down haphazardly, and unlocked the door.

            Alex walked in quietly as instructed, and Hannah took the bags—in multiple trips this time--into the kitchen. “I’ll go check on her, you start putting the groceries away.” She nodded, and Hannah realized this was the most obedient Alex had been since…ever. I mean, she was always a good kid, but she was stubborn sometimes, a procrastinator, and had a smart mouth. She decided not to question her good fortune.

            “Natalie,” she said softly, going up to her door. There was no response, and she knocked gently, opening it. “Natalie?” she whispered. “Honey, are you asleep?”

            Hannah walked into the room and found Natalie on her bed. Tears formed in her eyes, as she saw a sight that was equally heartbreaking and heartwarming. Natalie was asleep in her clothes on top of the Muppet comforter. Her head was tilted towards the wall, thumb securely in her mouth. Her fingers attached to that thumb rested on her cheek, as though she were signaling the number four. Hannah walked closer and realized Nat was holding her grandmother’s blanket. It was clutched in her other hand, her face pressed onto it. Hannah always thought it was easier to see how young Nat was when she was sleeping in the Wilderness. You could tell she was just a scared kid, not the foreboding image she tried to project. But Hannah didn’t even feel like she was seeing a teenager. She saw a very little girl, a baby, desperate for comfort, for safety. Rejected, wounded, and absolutely exhausted. She wanted to pick Nat up and cradle her while she slept, give her all the love she should have gotten when she was a baby. But Hannah took one last look and slipped out quietly instead. She wouldn’t let Natalie know she saw how she was sleeping. Nat hated to be vulnerable or perceived as weak, so Hannah decided it would be best not to embarrass her. But maybe she could try to encourage her to show her that side of herself? Somehow?

            Hannah closed the door carefully, and walked back to the kitchen. Alex finished putting everything away, and was digging into the cheesy bread.

            “She’s still sleeping honey, so just you and me will eat now.”

            Alex deflated with a shoulder slump and chomped on her cheesy bread.

            “Don’t worry, you’ll get to meet her later. Now, pass the dipping sauce!”

Chapter Text

            The sound of a plate hitting the floor shattered Natalie’s slumber, her mind instantly alert. Her already closed eyes squeezed together. Her body tensed with fear, causing her to bite down on her thumb. Deep in Natalie’s memory a voice echoed. “Oh, so this, this is dinner? Tell me, was it just so HARD taking care of Natty all day that you decided to phone it in, or you’re just so damn lazy you refuse to cook me a decent meal?” Nat gripped her blanket tighter and held it against her face. Can’t cry, can’t cry… She listened closely. Nights were always the worst when her name came up. That meant she was sure to get it from at least one of them, if not both. Natalie heard movements and voices, but they weren’t Mommy and Daddy. She cautiously opened her eyes and looked at the unfamiliar room…and unfamiliar blanket. She pulled her thumb out of her mouth and sat up, feeling a sense of confusion and dread. This definitely wasn’t her room. It was the wrong shape. None of her things were there. The door wasn’t where it was meant to be. Natalie’s breathing sped up with panicked confusion. The pain of the distant past mixed with the disorientation of waking up in a new place, as she tried to make sense of where she was. Clarity broke through Natalie’s fog in a rush when she heard a woman’s voice distantly laugh, “Alexxx!”

            Alex. Hannah. Plane Crash. Rescue. Moved in with Hannah. Dad’s dead. Nat exhaled heavily and ran her fingers through her hair. Her shoulder ached from putting too much weight on it while she was sleeping. She rotated it a few times and tried to shake it off. The distant chatter continued. Nat wasn’t feeling up to interacting, but she had to pee, and that required leaving the room. She pushed herself off the bed and walked out the door.

            “Hi Natalie!” Alex shouted, waving at her.

            Nat held her hand up in a half-hearted greeting. “Hi. I uh, I just need to use the bathroom.”

            “We got pizza for dinner when you’re done! Or other stuff that might be easier on your stomach!”

            Natalie blinked dumbly. “Uh, thanks.” She ducked into the bathroom but could still hear them talking.

            “Alex, Nat’s had a long day, and she’s still healing. Please don’t pepper her with too many questions.”

            “Okay, but maybe I’ll salt her with some questions.”

            Nat snorted, and she heard Hannah groan-laugh. It was cool that Hannah laughed, that she didn’t get mad at her kid for talking back. Nat looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. She was a fucking mess. Her hair was sticking up all over the place, her eyes were bloodshot, and she still looked like a skeleton. Another laborious sigh heaved through her body and Nat gave up hoping to see someone else looking back. She blocked it out as she used the bathroom, still able to enjoy the luxury of having a toilet and sink again.

            “Well what AM I allowed to say to her?” Alex sounded positively exasperated.

            “Just let her or…me lead the conversation. You can talk. I just don’t want you to overwhelm her.”

            Natalie repressed a giggle as she heard Alex groan. She walked down the hall and met up with Hannah and Alex in the kitchen.

            “Hey sweetheart,” Hannah smiled at her. “Did you sleep ok?”

            Nat nodded. “Yeah. Better than I have in a while.”

            “Would you like some dinner? I’m Alex by the way.”

            “I thought so. I’m Nat.”         

            “Well, duh!” Alex laughed. “Would you like some dinner? We got pizza and cheesy bread. I can heat it up for you if you like. And we have Pepsi and if you don’t like that we have Crystal Lite and milk, but I don’t think milk goes well with pizza or-”

            “Alex,” Hannah cut in with a steady tone. “Why don’t you just get a plate for Nat and she can just look at what we have.”

            “Okay,” Alex went to the cupboard. “And I’ll be more careful this time.”

            “I hope so. We’ll need a new plate set by next week if you continue at this rate.”

            Oh, so that wasn’t just a memory. “Is that what that sound was? You dropped a plate and broke it?”

            Alex twisted her mouth with guilt. “…Yeah. I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

            Nat shook her head, “No, no, it’s ok. I slept enough anyway. I don’t even know what time it is.”

            “It’s 7:47,” Alex told her.

            “Oh fuck, I was out like, four hours. Shit.” The room went quiet. Nat was confused until she realized why, and covered her mouth. She paused, looking worriedly at Alex, who appeared equally nervous. “Um…I’m sorry,” she said from behind her hand, waiting to be to be scolded, maybe yelled at. Luckily, Hannah didn’t look angry, just uncomfortable.  

            Hannah cleared her throat, “It’s all right, Nat. It’s been a long time since you’ve had to think about watching your language.” 

            “I’ll be more careful next time,” she said quickly.

            Hannah waved her hand. “Forget it sweetie. Are you hungry?”

            Nat looked at the red, white and blue cardboard boxes sitting on the counter. The scent of it hit her nose; it smelled sour. “Uh, I’m not sure if I’m up for Dominoes.”

            “I got you some other things too,” Alex hopped to the pantry and pulled out several items. “I got vegetable soup, tomato soup-”

            The cans hit the table and Natalie felt herself sink, eyes glazing over. The cans that were in the pantry of the cabin. The way Jackie dropped the can with disgust when she opened it. Jackie… And the soup, the dandelion soup, the belt soup, Mari stirring the pot over the fireplace. Mari…

            “Natalie,” Hannah’s voice sounded like it was under water. “Are you ok, honey?”          

            “It’s okay if you don’t like them,” Alex looked concerned. “You don’t have to eat anything you don’t want…”

            It was then Nat realized she was trembling, her breathing ragged. She was having a panic attack. Or a flashback. Or one of those things the hospital shrink tried to explain. “Sss-ss-orry,” Nat gasped out, gripping the counter to steady herself. She inhaled heavily and released the breath. “I just…zoned out. I guess I’ll have pastina, and just water to drink.”

            “I’ll make it!” Alex was chomping at the bit to get away from a situation she clearly didn’t understand.

“I don’t mean to freak her out,” Nat whispered to Hannah. “I just…saw the soup and it reminded me of…” her voice shook. “We ate so much soup because I couldn’t find any game so we had nothing, I…don’t want to eat soup again. Do I have to?”

            “No, it’s okay, love,” Hannah rubbed her shoulder. “Just like Alex said, you don’t need to have anything you don’t want.”

            By that time, Alex already noisily pulled a pot from the cupboard and filled it with water before placing it on the stove. The clink of the metal on the stove rack made Hannah turn. “Alex, be careful with the gas.”

            “I know, Mom,” she rolled her eyes, the click-click-whoosh of the flame roaring to life under the pot. Nat stood still, watching Hannah’s reaction from the side of her eyes. All she did was shake her head and chuckle. Natalie tried to curve her lips up in response, but wasn’t sure if it reached the definition of a smile.

            “Natalie, do you want the Simba bowl or the Timon and Pumbaa bowl?” Alex held up two small Lion King bowls. On red and white Simba posed cooly with his paws crossed, a mischievous arched eyebrow on his feline face. The other was teal and white, Pumbaa in the center with Timon stretched out across his snout, sleepover style.

            “Timon and Pumbaa,” she said.

            Alex smiled and started dancing haphazardly, “Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phraseeeee!”

            It was cute, if not a bit obnoxious. But Nat wasn’t sure that the cute would overpower the obnoxious for very long. Alex continued singing the rest of the song, still twitching to the rhythm of the tune. She opened the box of pastina and took out a measuring cup.

            “Alex, be careful with-”

            A shower of tiny stars rained from the box, overfilling the measuring cup and scattering all over the counter, floor, and under the fridge. Some even made it to the dining room. Alex turned towards them, gritting her teeth in an apologetic grin. “Oops…Sorry.”

            Hannah groaned, “Alexandra!”

            Nat flinched. Her breath caught when she saw Hannah quickly stride towards Alex. “I told you to be more careful in the kitchen!”

Panic rose up Natalie’s chest and out of her mouth before she could stop it, “Wait!”

Both Hannah and Alex froze, startled eyes looking at her.

“I can clean it up. It was for me anyway. She was just being nice.”

“Don’t be silly, Nat, you don’t have to clean this up,” Hannah said. She turned back towards Alex and put her hands on the sides of Alex’s face. Nat winced, but Alex giggled, forcing Natalie to watch curiously. Hannah hands were on Alex’s cheeks, but she wasn’t squeezing them, or pulling her ears or hair. Hannah’s jaw was set, and she looked directly into Alex’s eyes; but it wasn’t with fury, it was with amused annoyance. Hannah’s hands gently shook Alex’s face, “Go get the broom, you klutzky kid. I’m going to finish making this for Natalie.”

With a look of impish embarrassment, Alex slipped away to pull the broom from the corner.

Hannah put the trashcan against the counter and brushed in the stray pasta pieces as Alex came back with a broom and dustpan. “Clean up on aisle 5!” she laughed, clumsily sweeping up the mess.

Alex was acting as just as goofy as before. You’d never know she’d just made a huge mess and wasted food after being warned to be careful. And she’d broken a plate too. Nat briefly wondered if Hannah was holding back because she was uncomfortable punishing Alex in front of company. A lot of parents were like that. But…no. Hannah legitimately didn’t look mad, and Alex didn’t look at all concerned. This was truly no big deal to either of them.

By the time the two of them finished cleaning, Natalie’s food was done, and they all sat at the dining table. Hannah served Nat her Lion King bowl of pastina and gave Alex some ice cream. Nat held her head over the bowl. It actually smelled…kind of good, or at least familiar. Nat stirred it more times than necessary to and lifted the spoon to her lips. Steam wafted upwards and the hot metal hurt her tongue. But she got about half a spoonful in her mouth. She was able to swallow a few bites before her throat felt unpleasantly acidic. It was hard to tell where her physical injuries ended and her psychological aversion began.

Natalie felt eyes on her. “It’s good,” she reassured them. “It’s just…still hard for me. To eat.”

“You’re doing fine,” Hannah put a hand on her back and smiled.

Alex finished her bowl of black raspberry ice cream before Nat was able to eat half of her pastina. She drank some sips of water, and knew she hit her limit. Her stomach felt distended, bloated, like she’d just finished a three-course meal. “I don’t think I can eat anymore,” she looked at them guiltily. “But thank you for cooking for me.”

“You’re welcome,” Alex beamed. “I know how to cook a few other things too if you ever want me to. Like grilled cheese, and pancakes, and Rice Krispie treats.”

Nat nodded.

“Want to watch a movie? I have a bunch, and you can pick what we watch.”

Natalie pushed the lukewarm pasta that remained in her dish to the edges with her spoon, revealing the cartoon characters below. “Do you have Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

“Yes! We do! I’ll go get it and make sure it’s rewound.” Alex dropped her bowl in the sink and opened the video cabinet.

“Thank you for humoring her,” Hannah whispered. “I know she can be a lot. Plus, she’s really excited to meet you.”

Nat shook her head. “It’s ok. She’s a good kid.”

“Here it is,” Alex held up a blue VHS with a cardboard cover that looked like it’d been run over by a car and put back together with packing tape.

Hannah took Natalie’s bowl off the table to take to the kitchen. “If you want anything else to eat, just let me know. If you liked this, I’ll also get more since Alex tossed most of it onto the floor.”

            Nat nodded. “I used to eat it a lot as a little kid too.”

            Hannah smiled. “It is one of those good-for-picky-eaters type foods.”

            Something told Nat she shouldn’t tell Hannah she ate it a lot because the local food pantry always had it in stock, not because she was picky.

The sound of the television roaring to life made them turn. “Do you want to watch the coming attractions or just fast forward to the movie?” Alex called in.

“It doesn’t matter Alex, we’re coming in,” Hannah answered, as Natalie pushed herself up on the table to walk into the living room.

Hannah sat in the right corner, and Alex plopped beside her, snuggling up. Natalie sat carefully on the other end, with a gap of space between her and Alex.

The cartoon prologue to the movie was on, but Natalie’s gaze kept drifting back to Hannah and Alex.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” Alex whispered to her mother. “I love you.”

“So am I,” she answered. “I missed you so much. I love you too.”

“More than anything?”

“More than anything.” Hannah kissed her head and Alex snuggled closer before laughing at the movie.

As the movie progressed, Alex sunk lower with her head landing on Hannah’s lap, and feet touching the edge of Natalie’s leg. Hannah gently ran her fingernails soothingly through Alex’s hair and along her scalp. Her finger gently brushed across her daughter’s cheeks and along her nose. The frequency of Alex’s laughter decreased, until Natalie realized she was asleep. Hannah continued to the loving touches and Natalie couldn’t help but watch them as much as the movie. That looked so nice, so comforting. She couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been like for Alex to think she lost her amazing mom. A mom who treated her so well and didn’t care when she messed up. Nat knew what it was like to miss her mother. Not just in the Wilderness, but before that. She never told anyone, but it had been like a hole in her chest. She stopped being nice to her her when her dad died. Stopped paying attention to her much at all really. Natalie was old enough to fend for herself by then, and she was the one responsible for his death, their further decline into poverty.

She used to be good to her sometimes. When Nat was little, she’d give her hugs and always kiss her goodnight. She’d take her to the park, community center, and sometimes the beach when she saved the money for it. She tried to protect Natalie from her dad sometimes, and when she couldn’t, she’d give her a cuddle afterwards. Nat would help her mom too…bringing her wet washcloths and band aids (when they had them) after Dad had stormed out of the house again. That was when she was still young enough to make her mom smile by “kissing it better”. She saw Alex peacefully sleeping on her mother’s lap, and felt a sad flicker of self-pity. Alex was so lucky, still getting that kind of attention when she was already ten years old. When Nat was ten, she was already stealing cigarettes and sneaking out of the house. It made sense Alex would act younger with Hannah being so good to her, though. Why would anyone want to give that up?  

A particularly loud toon screamed on the screen and made Alex stir, pushing her face against Hannah’s leg. “I think you should get undressed and head to bed, sleepyhead.”

Alex groaned and rolled over. “Mommy, can I sleep in your bed?” She asked softly.

“Of course you can. I’ll be in a little bit, ok?” Another groan, and Alex rolled off the couch and staggered to the hall. “And brush your teeth!”

“Uh huh.”

The cuddles in front of the TV were one thing, but Nat couldn’t hold back her surprise. “Alex sleeps in your bed with you?”

“Not all the time. She more or less slept in the same bed with me until she was about five, then started using her own bed more. Since then, she mostly just comes in with me when she has a bad dream or she’s sick. And…after I came back from Canada before picking you up. We missed each other a lot. She’ll probably only do it for a few days now, maybe two weeks tops.”

Natalie remembered how safe and warm she’d felt cuddled against Hannah when they were hiding from the rest of the Yellowjackets, preparing for rescue. Alex got that nightly for five years? And had access to it for five whenever she felt a little scared? “You’re a really good mom.”

Hannah’s eyes grew and she laughed. “Thanks, I try. Most of the time I feel like I’ve no idea what I’m doing. I’m just lucky Alex is so easy.”

Natalie wasn’t sure what to say. She wanted to tell Hannah had no idea just how good of a mother she was, how Alex was the lucky one, nor did she want to explain it without sounding like a sob story.

“How are you feeling honey? I’ve not had enough time to ask.”

“I’m okay.”

“Your stomach’s all right? Do you want anything else to eat or drink?”

Natalie shook her head, despite having a consistent stomachache since she left the table. “I don’t want anything else, I’d probably puke. But I ate something.”

            “All right,” she paused, noticing the credits were rolling on the movie. She stopped it and shut the TV off. “I’m going to have a cup of tea then go to sleep. Do you want any help getting ready for bed?”

            Nat blushed and turned away. “No, I can do it.” Dressing and undressing was still a challenge. Hannah helped her several times since she came to get her in the hospital. But Nat was getting better at it, she mostly just needed help with her socks and shoes now.  

            “Just don’t hesitate to tell me if you do need help with anything. You don’t have to be embarrassed.”

            That only managed to embarrass her further. “Okay…” Alex exited the bathroom in a long night shirt, so Natalie took the chance. “I’m going to use the bathroom. Goodnight.” Natalie got up as quickly as possible, (which wasn’t very quick) and involved putting a lot of her weight on the arm of the couch.

            In the bathroom, Natalie washed her face and brushed her teeth, still relishing the feeling of being clean. God, it felt so fucking good. She slipped out of the bathroom to her room quietly as Hannah poured a cup of tea in the kitchen. Nat tore open the package of her new pjs, tossing them on the bed. She carefully pulled her good arm out of her shirt, and used that to pull it over her head and off her injured shoulder without aggravating it. Nat sighed, looking at her body briefly. She wasn’t wearing a bra. It would be painful on her sore shoulder, and she didn’t need a bra, all the fat having left her body months ago. She looked positively prepubescent. Nat sighed as she put her pajama shirt over her injured arm first, and then over her head and other arm. It was big on her, like everything. She hoped in a few months she’d look more human again, and have some semblance of a bust.

            After awkwardly maneuvering herself out of her pants and into her pajama bottoms while on her back, Nat laid still. She wondered if she would exert the effort to get under the covers or sleep there like she had in the afternoon. The hand-made blanket was still in the corner by her pillow, and she draped it across her chest and half her face. She rubbed it against her cheek and was about to put her thumb in her mouth when there was a knock at the door.

            She startled, but heard Hannah’s voice on the other side. “Can I come in?”

            “Yeah, yeah you can come in.” That was super polite, Hannah asking if she could come into a room in her house just because Nat was there. She sat up, with the blanket now across her lap.

            Hannah smiled when she saw. “My grandmother made that blanket for me when I was a kid. I was really close with her. This was actually her house originally…she left it to me.”

            “Oh,” Nat held it up, feeling guilty. “Then you should take it. I won’t use it if it’s important.”

            Hannah almost looked hurt. “No, I want you to have it. You like it, right?”

            Nat wriggled uncomfortably but nodded. She did, and she really wanted it.

            “Then I want you to have it. Come on, let me tuck you in,” Before Nat could object Hannah gently putting an arm around Nat’s lower back to get her off the bed and pull down the comforter. She sat her back down on 101 Dalmatians sheets, covered in tiny lint pills. Hannah turned Nat’s body to the side, lifted her legs and lowered her head to the pillow before covering her snugly with the comforter. She didn’t know why Hannah did all that, she could do it on her own. It was silly, unnecessary, and now she felt the need to cry.   

            Hannah pulled the comforter up to Nat’s chin and pet her hair. “You were so brave today Natalie, you really were.”

            Nat turned her head away from Hannah’s gaze as she felt tears forming.

            “It’s safe now, okay? I’m going to take care of you. You don’t have to do everything alone anymore.”

Nat squeezed the blanket in her hand tightly. “Thank you for the blanket.” What else could she say?

Hannah leaned down and wrapped Nat up in a gentle hug. Nat tentatively hugged back, repressing her urge to hold on tighter. Hannah kissed her cheek and ran her finger along the bridge of Nat’s nose and across her cheeks. It tickled, so Natalie scrunched up her face. It made Hannah laugh. “I’m so glad you came back with me, sweetheart. Things will be better now for both of us.”

Nat nodded. “Thank you, a lot,” her voice caught.

“All right, I think it’s time for bed. You can come wake me up if you need me, or you have a nightmare.”

Wake her up because she needed her? Nat would never. Hannah was so crazy nice. Maybe it was just because Nat was still recovering from the gunshots. And the starving. “Thank you, but I’ll be okay.”

Hannah smiled and kissed her cheek once more, cupping the other one. “Sweet dreams, Natalie.”

“You too.”

With that, Hannah got up and shut the lights out before closing Natalie’s door.

Nat lay there in bed, the streetlight shining through her window directly across from the bed. She softly rubbed the blanket against her face again, and popped her thumb into her mouth. In the next room, Hannah was faintly singing a lullaby to Alex. Natalie couldn’t make out the words, but she could hear the soothing tone. This was the best and safest Nat had felt in…forever maybe. She was so grateful to Hannah, and even Alex, for all their kindness. But still, as she fell asleep, she pretended that she was the one cuddled up to Hannah and getting a lullaby. That was a level of love she didn’t even allow herself to think possible.   

Chapter Text

Whether it was the four-hour nap she’d taken in the afternoon, or the stress of the day, Nat struggled to sleep that night. Her stomach felt uncomfortably gross and ached for longer than it should have. She got up to use the bathroom several times, but it barely helped relieve the nausea. She wanted to shower, but knew it would wake everyone up.

It seemed that Nat had only just fallen into a fitful sleep when the sun peeked through her blinds. She heard whispers and footsteps, then clattering and voices in the kitchen that got louder and louder. Natalie listened, feeling a weight on her eyelids, her body sore in too many places. She wanted to turn her brain off, wrap the blankets around herself like a cocoon and come out in a few months or a year when she felt better.  

She wriggled in her bed with frustration. She was still tired. But now she was fully awake, and kind of hot under the blanket. Nat threw the comforter harshly off herself and felt a pain shoot through her shoulder from the movement. She let out a small cry and just felt herself getting angrier and more frustrated. It wasn’t fair. The only thing she ever had going for her was that she was strong, fast, athletic, agile. Now she felt like an old lady.

There was a knock on the door and Nat startled. “Hello?” she asked hoarsely.

“Nat honey, can I come in?” Hannah asked, almost shyly.

“Yeah.” Natalie was still getting used to people asking permission for things like that.

Hannah entered and saw Nat sprawled out on the bed on her back, the blankets bunched around the side of the bed. “Good morning. Did you sleep ok?”  

“Not really,” she whispered.

“Oh…well you can take a nap again later. I’ll get you onto a schedule soon. But I want you to get up now, ok? It’s time for breakfast.” Hannah looked at her guiltily, and Natalie wanted to cry. She wanted to say no. No food. She wanted to tell Hannah to go away and leave her alone. And wait…get her on a schedule? What the hell did that mean?

When Natalie didn’t move, Hannah sat on the edge of the bed. Nat wanted to turn away from her, but that would involve leaning on her bad shoulder, so she stayed put. “I know eating is still rough. But you were so good last night, and I’m really proud of you working so hard at it.”

Natalie involuntarily whimpered and kept her eyes down. It was strange being told she was good. It felt like a lie, it felt embarrassing, it felt confusing. But it also made Nat want do everything she could to keep Hannah thinking she was a good kid. Maybe that’s why she kept being so nice to her. Despite knowing the numerous unforgivable things Nat did, she may have thought it was purely survival in a harsh environment. Now in the real world, it would be easier for her to see she was always bad, a useless person no one really wanted. Natalie blinked away tears threatening to surface and took a deep breath.

            Hannah smoothed some of her hair and tickled her face gently. She put her hand on her cheek and ran her thumb back and forth. Nat closed her eyes and pushed her face against Hannah’s hand slightly, unable to resist the comfort. Hannah continued gently caressing Nat’s face and ran her fingers up and down her arms for a few minutes. Nat inched closer and felt her body relax, the urge to cry disappearing. If this kept up much longer, she would fall asleep. But the gentle touches stopped, and she opened her eyes.

            “Ready to be brave for me and try some breakfast? You’ve got your own personal chef in there excited to make whatever you like.”

            Nat looked at her briefly and nodded.

            “That’s my girl,” Hannah smiled, leaning down to kiss Nat’s forehead.

            Warmth spread through Nat’s chest. Her girl. That felt good, to hear Hannah pretend Nat was hers. She wanted to pretend that too.

            Just as Nat was preparing to heave her body out of the bed, she felt Hannah slip her arms under her knees and back, lifting her onto her feet. She wobbled slightly with surprise and held onto Hannah’s arm.

            “Come on” Hannah said, gently guiding Nat to the door.  

            The sweet smell of pancakes and maple syrup filled Nat’s senses as soon as she walked out of her room. She instantly felt sick. It made her a bit sad. Natalie used to like pancakes. It was a rare luxury when they had a box when she was a kid, and she loved going to IHOP with the team after games, or ordering pancakes at the diner on midnight runs with Kevyn and Johnny. The Very Berry ones with blueberries, strawberries and whipped cream were her favorite.

            “Good morning!” Alex said brightly, making a mess of the kitchen.

            “’Morning,” Natalie croaked out.

            “Would you like some pancakes?” Alex paused, quickly adding. “It’s ok if you don’t! We have other breakfast foods too.” 

            “I like pancakes.” It felt like a lie, but it wasn’t wholly untrue. “I’ll take one.”

            Hannah’s eyes grew in surprise as Alex beamed and started mixing more batter.

            Nat sat at the dining table, psyching herself out for breakfast. Alex was being so nice, the kid was so eager to please and help her. It would be rude, mean even, to not eat something she cooked her. Maybe it would even make up for her panicking the night before when she brought out the cans of soup.  

            “I’m going to make you some ginger tea,” Hannah said, rubbing Nat’s back. “And I’m really proud of you.”

            Nat smiled at her. Now she really needed to do well with her breakfast.

            Natalie fiddled with the edge of the tablecloth above her lap as she listened to the buttery sizzle of the frying pan. It would be ok. She did like pancakes. Maybe eating was becoming easier and she could be normal again. Hannah would smile at her and tell her how proud she was, and she’d make Alex feel good by eating her food.

            Hannah placed a steaming cup of tea in front of Natalie, and moments later Alex walked in holding a plate, fork, and butter knife. “Your breakfast, madame,” she said in a poorly executed French accent.

            Nat chuckled. “I’ll have to ask for French toast next time.”

            “I know how to make that too! I made it once with Grandma!”

            Nat nodded and noticed Hannah watching them with joy in her eyes. It made Nat feel like she was finally doing something right. But then the scent of the tea and pancake really hit her, and she almost retched.

I can do this… She picked up her fork and stared at the pancake, mottled brown and tan, with a melting dab of butter in the center. Nat reached for the bottle of maple syrup that was sitting in the center of the table and poured a swirl on top of the pancake.

She cleared her throat and cut a little triangle with her fork. Natalie willed herself to remember happy memories she had of eating. Chilling with the guys while wolfing down shared plates at the diner to satisfy their munchies. The team celebrating the win to a game with pizza and wings. The exciting times she was able to get a treat from the ice cream truck.

She put the bit of pancake in her mouth and willed herself to chew and swallow quickly. It went down harshly, and made her feel sick, but she smiled at Alex. “It’s good.”

“Thank you. I’ll make you French toast next time, and I can learn to cook other things you like too. I’ll ask Grandma to teach me how.”

Nat nodded gratefully, choking down another bite.

“Alex, it’s already after ten,” Hannah said. “Go get dressed and ready for church.”

Nat popped her head up as Alex scurried off to her room. Hannah never struck her as the religious type. “Church?”

“You don’t have to go,” Hannah added. “I don’t go.” Nat’s eyebrows furrowed and Hannah sighed, “It’s my mom. I’m the godless scientist. But she’s very Catholic, and insisted on raising Alex Catholic too. I didn’t want the lifelong argument, so she goes to church with her every Sunday, and CCD Wednesdays.”

“Oh.”

“Were you brought up in any religion?”

Nat mushed part of the pancake into the plate, struggling to take another bite. “Sort of. Not really. My parents were Catholic, or raised that way. I know I was baptized as a baby but we never really…went to church for mass. Or anything else really.”

Hannah nodded. “It’s not for everyone. But if you ever do want to go, I’m sure Alex would be thrilled. And my mom would be over the moon about it.” It was the first time Nat thought about meeting the rest of Hannah’s family members. It made her want to hide in her room. Sure, Hannah and Alex seemed to like her but that’s because they were kind of weird and dorky. Other people would see that Natalie was a piece of trash who should be taking care of herself. Not getting waited on hand and foot in a nice house with nice people. What if Hannah’s mom made Hannah realize that and told her? What if it made Hannah dump Nat back on her mom’s doorstep? She squeezed her fork and took another quick bite of pancake, swallowing hard. It had too much syrup on it.

Nat paused and was slightly out of breath.

“Drink some tea, love,” Hannah said, holding out the mug. “It’s good for your stomach.”

Nat reached for it and took a small sip. The spice of the ginger was overwhelming, and made her squeeze her eyes shut. Technically, it made her squeeze her entire face.

“Good girl,” Hannah said soothingly, rubbing her back. “I know it’s a strong taste, but it can help with digestion and nausea. You’re doing so well.”

Natalie breathed hard and nodded. She had to be good, she could do it. Just a few more more bites of pancake and another sip of tea and she could stop. Nat cut two last pieces of pancake. Just two more and I’ll have cleaned my plate. She’ll be really proud if I eat my whole breakfast.

With another deep breath Natalie stabbed both pieces of pancake and stuffed them in her mouth. She chewed twice and swallowed, nearly choking.

Alex came to the dining room in a navy blue dress with a long-sleeved white shirt underneath, and one black shoe on her foot. “Mom, where is my other nice church shoe? I can only find one!”

“I don’t know where it is. If you kept your room clean and closet organized like I’ve told you, you wouldn’t be losing your shoes all the time.”

Alex huffed and stomped back to her room.

Hearing them argue made Natalie nervous, and she hoped Alex would find her shoe soon and leave. Natalie’s stomach ached and her mouth and throat felt sick. Hannah’s hand ran up and down her back gently. “Just a few more sips.” She held up the mug.

            Natalie nodded and tipped the mug back, nearly chugging half of the tea. It burned her tongue, throat and nasal passage. She gasped after like she’d just surfaced from being underwater, and felt Hannah’s back rub comforting circles on her back.

            “I FOUND IT!” Alex screamed from her room.

            “That’s great, honey! Now after church put them back where they belong!” Hannah turned back to Natalie. “And you did amazing.”

            Nat started to smile, but her mouth filled with saliva and chin quivered. Oh no… Everything she’d consumed exploded out of her body with a vengeance. The ginger burned worse on the way back and she definitely hadn’t chewed the pancakes enough. Vomit covered the tablecloth and plate, and Nat could feel some on her chin. Her body trembled and everything hurt. She wanted to cry, but she’d already been bad enough undoing her breakfast by throwing up and making a huge mess. Plus, Alex would probably be upset thinking she didn’t like her cooking.

            “Oh god,” Hannah said.

            Natalie held her tears in, trying to be good at something this morning. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she croaked, wiping her chin with her arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I’ll clean it up.”

            “What’s wrong with Natalie?” Alex charged out of her room and Natalie flushed with shame.

            “She just got sick, Alex. Please go wait for Grandma on the steps.”

            With worry in her expression, she grabbed a jacket and headed for the door. “I hope you feel better Natalie…”

Natalie whimpered and noticed vomit on her new pajama shirt too. She was disgusting. She caused so much trouble and she’d only been awake for an hour. If she kept this up there’s no way Hannah would want her around much longer.  

“I’m sorry Hannah,” she whispered again.

“It’s ok, come on.” Hannah put an arm around her and lifted her up, supporting her body as they walked down the hall. Hannah guided Natalie into the bathroom and sat her on the toilet lid.

“I really didn’t mean it…”

“That’s enough now. Just be still, all right?”

Nat obeyed, sitting quietly and not crying. She braced herself for whatever she had to be still for. Maybe if she was really good for this, Hannah would forgive her for ruining the morning.  

Hannah soaked a washcloth in the sink and wrung it out. Natalie watched anxiously as Hannah took the cloth and brought it up to her face. She flinched and went rigid.

“Shh, I’m sorry sweetheart.” Hannah soothed, gently wiping her face. “I shouldn’t have let you eat something with so much sugar. Or let you eat and drink the tea so fast. I’ll do better next time, okay?”

Natalie looked back at her with bewilderment. Why was Hannah saying sorry? Why was she the one saying she’d be better? Nat was the one who couldn’t eat a simple meal without puking all over herself.  

Hannah ran the soft terrycloth down Natalie’s neck and around her shirt collar. “You stay here and I’m going to get you a clean shirt, okay?”

Nat didn’t know how to respond. She stayed on the toilet lid, reflecting on what happened. Hannah wasn’t mad. Hannah just…cleaned her face. And she made it feel nice.

Hannah came back in the bathroom with a plastic bag and another shirt. “All right, sweetheart,” she said slowly, as though talking to a wounded animal. “Let’s get you in some clean clothes.” She reached out to Natalie’s waist before pausing and looking at her. “Will you let me change your shirt?”

Natalie bit her lip. She shouldn’t let her. She should do it herself, she was 18 and absolutely should not need anyone’s help with this. But her body hurt, she felt yucky, and it was still hard to do by herself. So, she nodded.

“All right, here we go,” Hannah said, pulling her good arm out of her shirt and stretching the collar over her head to avoid getting her hair dirty. She folded it over and carefully pulled it off Nat’s injured arm before tossing it in the plastic bag.

Nat instinctively covered herself, whimpering as Hannah put the clean shirt over her bad arm first and over her head. She breathed slower and put her good arm through the other sleeve by herself.

“There,” Hannah smiled at her. “All better.” She kissed Natalie’s forehead and rubbed her good shoulder.

Nat breathed easier as Hannah took a dixie cup and poured some mouth wash into it, holding it out to Nat. When Nat didn’t take it, Hannah added, “Rinse your mouth.”

Natalie tentatively reached for the cup and tipped it back swishing the burning liquid around her mouth and spitting it back in the cup. “Good girl,” Hannah praised, giving her another cup of plain water. “That one too. And you can brush your teeth if you want. I’m going to go clean up the dining room, okay?”

Natalie still couldn’t find words, and silently watched Hannah leave to clean up her puke. She wanted to shrink into a hole. If she could she’d probably run out of the house and hide somewhere for a while. But even if she could, where would she go? She didn’t know where anything was around here.

            Hannah’s footsteps echoed as she walked down the basement stairs. A loud metallic clunk made Nat jump before she realized it must be the washing machine. The steps echoed again as she climbed back and peeked her head into the bathroom.

            “Hey honey, do you want to go back to bed or come watch some TV?”

            Natalie looked at her and fidgeted. “Um, I know you just helped change my shirt but…can I take a shower? Please?”

            Hannah winced and grimaced slightly. “Actually…about that. I talked to your doctors before we left, and even if they hadn’t said so I would have wanted this too. I need to get you a shower chair first. You’re just too much of a fall risk and if you fall in the shower, you can hit your head or hurt your shoulder or something else really badly. I was planning to go to the store to get you one today.”

            Natalie’s shoulders slumped and her chin quivered. She pushed her hands into her eyes. No crying, she couldn’t cry. But god, this was so humiliating. A shower chair. Like she was an old person. Or a cripple.

            “It’s just until you’re stronger, love.” Hannah rubbed her back. “You’ll only need it for a little while, ok? I can go pick it up for you right now.”

            Unexpected panic entered Natalie’s chest. “You’re leaving?”

            Hannah looked surprised. “Do you want to come with me? You can come. I just thought you might want to rest after getting sick.”

            Nat did want to rest. She was still tired and uncomfortable. She wanted the pain and bad feelings to stop. But she wanted Hannah more. “I don’t want you to go away,” Nat said weakly, reaching for Hannah’s hand.

Hannah’s face softened and she lifted Natalie off the toilet to give her a hug. Nat rested her head on Hannah’s shoulder and let her rub her back kiss her temple. “I’m not going anywhere,” she told her. “You can stay with me all day, all right? We’ll stop at the pharmacy to get what you need and then we can come home and you can rest.”

Nat quietly whined in response and held onto Hannah tighter.

“Okay,” Hannah patted her back before breaking the hug. “Do you want me to help you finish getting dressed, or you want to do it yourself?”

“I can do it,” Nat said before she even thought about the question. “I’ll, I’ll brush my teeth. And I’ll get pants on.”

“Okay,” Hannah smiled. “Let me know if you need help.”

Natalie nodded and Hannah left the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Nat brushed her teeth, and tried to remember the other parts of a morning hygiene routine. It made her feel stupid and dirty that she was struggling to remember. They were always dirty and unkempt in the wilderness. No reason to remember stuff you can’t do. But after looking around the bathroom, she realized that deodorant was something she should put on.

She left the bathroom and went into her room. Nat pulled some black sweat pants and clean underwear out of one of her bags. Putting the underwear and pants on was really, really hard. She had to bend over, twice, and it sent pains through her abdomen. A few tears leaked out of her eyes, and she brushed them away with her arm. She tried to breathe slowly, and it sort of worked.

Hannah knocked on the door and Nat told her to come in.

“Almost ready?” she asked.

“Yeah, almost.” Nat did her best to not sound like she was hurt. She needed to stop being such a baby.

She stood up and her sweatpants started to slip down. She grabbed the band quickly, her cheeks going red.

“Losing your drawers there, kid!” Hannah laughed and tied the waist string so they stayed securely on Nat’s hips.

“Nothing fits me right,” Nat grumbled.

“Just give it time, sweetie. You’ll put on some weight and fill out your clothes, and we can get you some new ones.”

Nat sighed. “Fat chance of that happening if I keep puking up whatever I eat.”

A small smirk formed on Hannah’s face. “Pun intended?”

Nat stared at Hannah’s face in surprise before they both burst into giggles. “Stoppp,” Nat laughed.

“What, am I ruining your perfectly bad mood?” Hannah nudged her chin, and Nat gave a sideways smile.

“Okay,” Nat sighed. “I just need my socks and shoes on now.”

“Let’s fix your hair first, then I’ll help you get your shoes on.”

Ugh, hair. Nat didn’t brush her hair. She knew she’d forgotten something. And brushing her hair was stupidly harder than it should have been. She didn’t have to bend over like getting dressed, but she couldn’t get the left side of her hair right because her right hand couldn’t reach it and it hurt her left arm too much to try.

Hannah grabbed Natalie’s hairbrush and started gently brushing her hair. She was careful when she hit knots, and didn’t pull too hard. Despite her lingering embarrassment about not being able to do it herself, Natalie liked when Hannah did her hair. She’d even let her do it in the Wilderness.

Hannah ran the brush through her hair one last time and moved it with her hands around Nat’s face. “There. Now that you’re home you can get a haircut if you want.”

Nat nodded. “My hair’s never been this long, I don’t think.”

“I can make you an appointment this week for you with my hairdresser.”

“Hairdresser?”

“Yeah, who else would cut your hair?” Hannah laughed, pulling socks out of Natalie’s drawer.

Damn, Nat knew that was the wrong thing to say. “Um, I didn’t know you meant you’d take me to a shop. I thought you were going to cut my hair.”

            “You wanted me to cut your hair? Trust me, you don’t want that!”

            Natalie was embarrassed again. “No…I didn’t want you to, just… ”

            “Just what?” Hannah looked concerned as she knelt to put Natalie’s socks on.

            “I’ve never been to a shop to get my hair cut,” she mumbled.

            Hannah looked up in surprise and bit her lip. “Oh,” her cheeks turned pink. “I’m sorry, honey. I forgot.”

            Forgot I was poor white trash… “It’s okay,” Nat said quietly. “My mom used to cut my hair when I was little, and I started to do it myself in middle school.”

            “Well, I think we’re both do for a haircut. And a manicure like I said, and maybe pedicure too We can make it an entire spa day.”

            Nat smiled shyly as Hannah tied her shoes for her and offered her arm to help her up.

            “Ready to go?”

            Nat shrugged. “As ready as I’ll be I guess.”

Chapter Text

Hannah hoped Natalie hadn’t noticed how nervous she was as they drove to the pharmacy. She’d fucked up so bad that morning. She knew what Nat was supposed to eat—same as she had to when she was rescued. She should be focusing on things to properly nourish her body. Lots of protein and whole grains, with fruits and vegetables, eaten slowly. And what did Hannah do? Let the child wolf down a pancake and shoot back a cup of tea like a frat boy at a kegger. No wonder she projectile vomited. Hannah knew she was eating too much too fast, but thought it might’ve been a good sign that she was hungry enough to want it. She wanted Natalie to enjoy food again, and thought she might’ve finally been excited to eat something she liked. Not to mention Alex was so happy she was helping.

            The sound of Nat’s head thunking into the passenger side window made Hannah turn. Poor baby looked so miserable. She knew Nat was still in pain, or at least discomfort. And the fear and terror in her eyes after she vomited? It overwhelmed Hannah just to see it.  

            But I have to be the strong one she told herself. She needs an adult, she needs someone who she can depend on. When they got home, Hannah would let her shower, feed her lunch and send her to her room for a nap. While she was napping she would dig out those papers from the doctors on re-introducing food. Natalie needed planned meals and snacks, appropriate exercise, plenty of sleep. Not to mention Hannah needed to make her about a dozen appointments. She needed to see doctors, a dietician, physical therapist, psychologist, hairdresser, probably the dentist, and go clothes shopping. When things settled, she needed to think about Nat’s education and future too. She needed to make sure she officially earned her diploma, got her driver’s license, and make sure she knew how to write a resume. Had she taken the SATs? Did she know how to drive? Nat insisted several times when they spoke about it that she was not a good student, but that was probably just lack of encouragement at home. Natalie was smart. Maybe she could get her to take some classes at the community college and figure out what she wanted to do. She might need to go back to Wiskayok for a bit to sort things out. Ugh, that could wait…

            And she needed fun, Hannah thought sadly as she looked at her reflection in the sideview mirror. Liquid pooled in Nat’s hazel green eyes as she stared blankly out the window. Natalie always looked like she might cry, and was usually holding it in. Hannah actually liked it when Natalie cried, because she was finally letting herself release emotion. The poison could come out. Hannah herself was still struggling with the memories and flashbacks of the Wilderness. But that was a small fraction of the time and horror Nat had experienced, not to mention whatever trauma she’d endured in that dump in Jersey. She needed to find things that made Nat happy amid all the crap she had to do just to be alive.

            A Spice Girls song was playing on the radio, but Nat reached out and shut it off. The quiet became too loud.

            “We’re almost there,” Hannah told her. “Is there anything else you’d like to pick up?”

            Natalie shrugged.

            Hannah bit her lip and turned her eyes back to the road. She was quiet for the next two minutes until they pulled into the parking lot of the pharmacy. She got out of the car and put her bag on her shoulder. Natalie stayed in the car, still leaning her head on the window.

            Hannah waited for a moment, but Nat remained unmoved. She sighed heavily with defeat. I’ve had the kid in my care for less than 72 hours and this is the state she’s in…

            She knocked on the window and Natalie moved her head. The door cracked open, and Nat unbuckled her seat belt. “I’m coming…” She turned her body and put her feet on the ground as Hannah reached out both hands. Natalie took them, and Hannah pulled her to her feet. She kept hold of Nat’s hand as they walked into the pharmacy together.

            A bell jingled when the door opened, and Nat squeezed her hand a little tighter. Hannah rubbed her thumb over Nat’s finger and walked towards the back where she knew adaptive equipment was held. This was her grandmother’s pharmacy, and she’d gone there at least twice a week picking something up for her for about a decade of her life. It was one of those dwindling family-owned places, where the owner knew her by name. She hoped he wasn’t in today, meeting someone new would stress Natalie.

            Nat got closer to Hannah with every step, until she was pressing their arms together.

            “Okay,” Hannah said as they arrived at the back wall. There was a display of crutches, canes, walkers, and two wheelchairs. On the shelves there were boxes of shower chairs, bedpans and a variety of safety rails that attached to walls and furniture. Nat glowered at the wall and moaned, an angry frown frozen on her face.

“There’s two,” Hannah tried. “Do you want the white one?”

            Nat shook her head, quickly brushing away a tear that dared come out of her eye.

            “The gray one then?” 

            Nat shook her head again. Her voice was low, part whisper, part whine, part growl. “Don’t want any of them.” She rubbed her sleeve against her face again and sniffled.

            Hannah’s chest lurched. Nat radiated shame, fighting her tears with a relentlessness that was equally upsetting. Hannah wanted to remind her that it was ok, she would just need it for a little while. Everyone needs things like this after injuries, surgeries, illnesses…It didn’t mean she couldn’t heal and live more like she used to. But she knew it wouldn’t work, and Nat would still be upset.

            Be practical, she told herself. Just get it done and take her home. “Okay, I’ll choose the gray one. Last call to object.”

            Nat continued to scowl at the shower chairs.

             “Gray it is then,” Hannah released Nat’s hand and leaned forward to take one off the shelf.

            The part of her that worried Natalie might stomp away or attempt to escape the store disappeared when she felt Nat grab the side of her shirt so tightly it pinched, and made her jump. She smiled at Nat, who was blushing through her little frown. “I’m right here, sweetie. You can hold on.”

            Nat nodded, staring at the ground.  

            Hannah headed to the till with Nat gripping her shirt. Two young women were walking towards them, lost in chatter until one caught sight of Natalie and gasped. “Oh my god,” she whispered to her friend, as the friend grimaced in disgust and they went down the other aisle.

            Natalie pushed herself against Hannah’s shoulder and muffled a sob. Those stupid fucking bitches… What the hell was wrong with people? Even if they didn’t know why there was a tearful, emaciated teenager in ill-fitting clothes, holding the shirt of a woman carrying a large box, surely they know it’s cruel to stare and whisper at people who look different or disabled.

             “We’re going home, baby. Don’t worry.”

            Natalie didn’t respond, but when they got to the cashier and Hannah dropped the box onto the counter, Natalie wrapped her arms around her tightly and pushed her face into her shoulder. Despite being an inch taller, Natalie stood on her tip toes as she pressed into Hannah. It was an action that screamed “pick me up”, and Hannah wished Natalie were smaller. It would be so much easier if she could scoop her up to carry her like she used to with Alex. Nat would be calmer if she was being carried; she always relaxed when she was being held. Or well, she did if she let herself relax. She’d resist it, like a toddler fighting sleep, shaking their head and insisting they don’t need it. But she could tell Nat needed it, when she finally let her guard down and pushed herself into Hannah’s body and gripped her like she never wanted to let go. Hannah held her there as the clerk gawped at them, utterly perplexed, until she cleared her throat.

            He shook his head and scanned the box. “Uh, that’ll be $25.42.”

            With one hand, Hannah pulled her wallet out of her bag to pay with a credit card. She reached for the box with a hostile smile at the clerk, and Natalie reattached her hand to Hannah’s shirt.

            The ride home was spent uncomfortably listening to a radio station neither of them liked. Hannah tried to convince herself she was mentally prepared for the day ahead, while Natalie sat hunched over, arms crossed across her chest, red-faced with silent screams.

            After experiencing her clinginess in the store, Hannah was surprised to see Natalie refuse her help to get out of the car, only to stalk off to her bedroom and slam the door.

            Hannah sunk into her living room couch and covered her face. I’m totally failing at this. Maybe she does need to be in some hospital or facility where they know how to take care of her…

The doctors had said that when she was in the hospital, that it would be very hard to care for her medical needs. And that psychologist said that with the complex PTSD Natalie had…along with her own, would be a lot to take on. And they didn’t even know about her childhood trauma. Every day Hannah told herself that whatever abnormalities she was feeling in her brain, it was nothing compared to Natalie. She had to focus on her girls, whose needs were more important. But the memories lived in her mind like a long crack across a car windshield—always present, affecting everything she saw even though she did everything to not look at it. They would come flashing up, like a landmine in her brain. Edwin dying with an axe in his skull. The moment she stabbed Kodi through the eye. Eating human flesh. Her stupid fumbles getting more of those poor girls hunted and killed. The cold, the hunger, all of it.

            No matter how hard she tried to push it away it was still there. Each day she woke up and remembered she had to pretend she wasn’t a murderer, a cannibal, or that she agreed to keep her actions secret with a group of deeply disturbed kids who weren’t old enough to drink. She cried a few tears. She needed someone to talk to. A psychologist would be best…but that would break the pact, and may cause legal trouble. Maybe she could go to Confession. Priests weren’t legally required to report crimes, and that would guarantee harmony with her mother even longer than this almost-dying-in-the-woods fiasco did. It had been nice the past few months, not hearing the passive-aggressive comments about how Hannah never made good life choices.

            Hannah squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths. Natalie now, I’ve got to take care of Natalie. Hannah shook her head harshly and opened the box that held Nat’s shower chair. It took about twenty minutes to assemble it, and Hannah awkwardly took it into the bathroom, knocking the bar off the towel rack and bumping her head on the wall in the process. She suctioned it to the tub and made sure the bodywash, shampoo and conditioner were all visible. Next, she went to the linen closet to get a washcloth and a towel that she sat on the sink

She spent an extra minute in the bathroom gathering the courage to get Natalie. Hannah felt guilty walking in her room after knocking on the door and receiving no response. She expected to find Natalie asleep, and was surprised to see her bed empty.

            “Natalie?” she looked left and right. Nothing. Oh God, where is she? “Natalie?” she said louder.

            “In here,” a hoarse, angry voice echoed from the closet.

            Hannah blinked, staring at the closet before entering. There wasn’t much space to go unseen. Hannah stood dumfounded, worried she was having some sort of PTSD episode or else was about to enter a portal to a fantasy world. With the unimaginable, crazy, low-budget Hollywood shit that happened to her in the past year, both seemed equally possible. She lightly slapped her cheeks with both hands, trying to snap herself out of it.

            For the second time, Hannah turned all the way around in the closet and still couldn’t see anyone, or a potential hiding place. “Natalie? Where are you?”

            “Here!” a grumpy voice rasped from the floor.

            Hannah looked to the bottom right corner, and the curtain in front of the shoe rack was pushed forward harshly. There, sat Natalie, ducked underneath. Her face was tear-streaked, and her nose was running. Hannah knelt, checking her over to make sure she wasn’t hurt. “Baby…why are you in here?”

            “Because I couldn’t fit under the bed.” Natalie frowned and threw a stray button across the floor.

“Uh…ok.” Hannah cleared her throat. “You can take a shower now. It’s all set up for you.”

            Nat’s eyes filled as she looked directly at Hannah and emphatically shook her head.

            Hannah deflated. “You don’t want to now?”

            Nat shook her head again.

            “Is that because of the shower chair?”

            Nat nodded, looking at the floor and twirling a dust bunny with her finger.

            Hannah stifled her frustration, and swallowed heavily. Her mind scrambled for what to say. When Alex refused to wash, she would playfully spray her with a hair spritz bottle, saying she had make her shower “the hard way”. But she was sure the things that made Alex giggle and finally hop in the shower would confuse or scare Nat.

            “Freak,” Natalie whispered.

            Hannah jerked back like she’d been struck. “What?”

            “’M a freak. A monster. Evil. Disgusting. And now,” she sniffled. “Everyone can see it.” Natalie dissolved into sobs and covered her face. “They couldn’t always see ittt!” she wailed.  

            It felt like being punched in the chest. “Oh baby,” Hannah reached to touch Nat’s hand and she jumped. “Come on out sweetheart, please? I want to give you a hug.”

            Nat was hyperventilating with sobs, but crawled into Hannah’s arms. She wrapped herself so tightly around Hannah’s neck they almost tipped forward. Hannah maneuvered so she was sitting and Natalie was halfway in her lap, head pressed against her shoulder.

            “There honey, it’s ok,” she put her hand on the back of Natalie’s head and instinctively rocked her. “I’ve got you now, and I’m going to hold you until you calm down, all right? But you get it all out.”

Nat cried, and Hannah didn’t know what else to do. She just held her, rocked her, pet her hair. Natalie’s sobs were getting softer, and Hannah noticed something bunched up in the shoe rack where Nat had hidden. Her heart melted when she realized it was her grandmother’s blanket. “Want your blanket?” she asked softly.

            Natalie nodded and Hannah reached for it, wrapping it around Nat’s shoulders. But Nat pulled it off and covered her head instead, rubbing her fingers over the material. Through the shadow on the blanket, Hannah could see Nat’s other hand hovering near her mouth, whining and pulling it away to squeeze the blanket.

            “You like this blanket, huh?” Hannah asked.

            Nat nodded against her.

            “My Grandma Belle was really good at making blankets. This one’s nice and cuddly. And…know what I did sometimes when I got to cuddle it when I was little?”

            Nat pulled the blanket down a little to peek out with one eye. She looked at Hannah and shook her head.

            “Sometimes I’d suck my thumb,” Hannah whispered.

            Nat’s gaze drifted down, then back to Hannah’s eyes. “Did?” she asked softly.

            “Mhm. Does this blanket make you want to do that too?”

            Natalie squeezed the blanket tightly in her hand, body tensing, fear flickering in her eyes. “It’s okay if you do too,” Hannah ran a finger down her nose.  

            She continued watching Hannah’s face, and one of her hands emerged from the blanket with the pinky outstretched. “Promise it’s allowed?” she whispered.

            Hannah wrapped her pinky around Nat’s and shook it. “Promise.”

            A heavy sigh went through Natalie’s body as she slipped her thumb into her mouth. Hannah leaned back against the dresser, pulling Natalie fully into her lap. Nat’s body relaxed and she nuzzled into Hannah’s neck, her breathing finally calm.

            Hannah smiled and kissed the top of Nat’s head. She never remembered sucking her thumb as a child…but a little white lie never hurt anyone.

            Natalie hadn’t moved from her spot in Hannah’s lap for a good twenty minutes, and despite not wanting to disturb her, Hannah’s back aching. She shifted and Nat slid off her leg and onto the floor. Natalie moaned in protest.

            “Hey sweetie,” Hannah rubbed her back. “Let’s get off the floor, okay?”

            Natalie pouted at her.

            “Come on, it’s getting a little uncomfortable for me.” Hannah stood up. Nat looked up from the floor, and leaned against her leg. “Gotta get up now baby.” Hannah lifted Nat up to her feet.

            “Why?” Nat pulled away.

            “We have some other things to do now, and I want to do them before Alex gets home.”

            Natalie frowned at her. She was so tired, cranky and stressed. All Hannah wanted to do was tuck her in for a nap, but it was already 1pm and she needed to eat. She took Nat’s hand and led her to the kitchen.

            “We’re going to have lunch, and we’re going to go nice and slow, okay? I’m going to eat too, and we’ll eat the same thing. We’re going to have some bananas, yogurt and granola. You can have some milk or juice to drink.”

            Nat shook her head.

            “I know you don’t want to, but you need to eat, sweetheart. Just a little bit for me and then you can sleep. I’ll stay with you the whole time.”

            “I don’t want to!”

            “Natalie,” Hannah’s voice got stern, and she looked at her harder than before. “I know you’re upset but you have to eat. This isn’t up for discussion.”

            “I don’t want to puke again,” Nat said weakly.

            “You won’t. You didn’t last night, and you didn’t for two days before that. You threw up this morning because you ate too fast. And pancakes aren’t very good for you. We’re going to eat food that’s better for us today, nice and slow. Come on, we’ll do it together.” Hannah pulled the granola and bananas off the pantry shelf, and opened the fridge to get the yogurt. “Go get some bowls for us!” she said, doing her best to sound cheerful, like this was fun, and not excruciating.

            Nat hunched her shoulders and glared at Hannah, looking more like the teenager she was. “I don’t know where anything is…”

            Ugh, stupid… “Right. Uh, they’re in the cabinet to your left.”

            Natalie opened the cabinet and sighed. “I don’t know what bowls you want...”

            Oh for fuck’s sake… “Okay, Nat, you just sit here at the table, and I’ll get everything.”

            Natalie sunk into the chair as morosely as possible, shooting Hannah dirty looks.

            Hannah quickly gathered the bowls and silverware, haphazardly clunking them on the table. Natalie’s arms crossed across her chest as she watched Hannah slice a banana and fill a bowl with yogurt and granola.   

            Hannah pulled a chair to sit beside Natalie and placed the bowls of food in front of them. Nat still held her arms against her chest, but her scowl had broken into a pre-crying pout. Guilt ached in Hannah’s throat. How am I supposed to torture her like this three to six times a day?

            Hannah picked up a banana slice and bit it in half. “Now your turn, sweetie.”

            Natalie picked up a banana slice and tearfully took a bite, chewing with a grimace of disgust and swallowing with her eyes closed. She sniffled and a tear slid down her cheek. “I don’t like bananas,” she whimpered. “I didn’t like them before everything happened. Please don’t make me eat them. Ask Van if you think I’m lying, she’ll remember.”

            Hannah slumped in her chair, feeling like an immense failure. “Okay sweetheart,” she sighed, picking up Nat’s bowl and scraping the banana slices into hers. “No bananas.”

            “I like strawberries and blueberries. And apples! Or…I did like them.” Remorse hung heavy in Nat’s voice, and Hannah knew she was trying.

            Hannah attempted to smile and rubbed Natalie’s back. “I’ll get you some next time I go to the store then.”

            Nat nodded and Hannah handed her a spoon. Hannah took a bite of yogurt and granola and looked encouragingly at Natalie. “Come on love, you can do it.”

            Natalie gripped the spoon tightly, her hand covering the entire handle with just the scoop sticking out of her fist. She didn’t move. Hannah gently brushed a piece of Nat’s hair behind her ear and kept a hand on her back.

            With a sullen glance in Hannah’s direction, Natalie dipped the spoon into the bowl and put it in her mouth. She held it there for longer than it should have taken to remember to chew. But by the time she started chewing, some bits of granola slid to the back of her throat, causing her to choke.

            “Arms up,” Hannah stood, lifting Nat’s arms above her head and patting her back until she coughed it up and inhaled with a gasp. Hannah rubbed Natalie’s back in a circle. “Are you ok?”

            Nat nodded.

            “Okay,” Hannah sighed, annoyance creeping into her tone. “New plan. No granola.” She scraped it all off the top of Nat’s bowl until there was nothing but vanilla yogurt. “Do you have any issues with the yogurt? Anything at all?”

            Nat shrunk away a little and shook her head.

            “Eat,” Hannah said. “I’ll eat with you. Technically, I’m eating for both of us.” Hannah gestured to her bowl that was now overflowing with banana slices and granola.

            Nat’s eyes glanced towards Hannah with a wounded expression. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, poking at her yogurt with a spoon. “You can send me back if you want.”

            “What? Send you back where?”

            “Wiskayok. My Mom.”

            Hannah’s jaw fell open. “How could you ever think I could send you back there?”

            Natalie’s brow furrowed. “Why wouldn’t you?”

            “Because! It’s…” Hannah searched for non-insulting words. “It’s not a safe place for you. You need special care to get well.”

            Nat shrugged. “I don’t think I will,” she mumbled.

            Fear, anger and determination surged through Hannah’s chest. “You will. I’ll make sure of it. I’m not giving up on you Natalie, not even if this takes years.”

            Nat looked at Hannah incredulously, but her face crumbled. “What if I can’t do it?” she cried. “It’s so hard! And my tummy hurts all the time, but food makes it hurt more.”

            Hannah hugged Nat and held her tightly. She studied the crying girl in her arms. Her cheeks were sunken. There was still some smeared yogurt and specks of granola on her lips. She looked like she was in clothes two sizes too large, despite the fact they were extra-smalls. Hannah could feel all of her bones. It was still disconcerting. Nat fidgeted with her fingers, hand fisted and hovering against her face. She looked so small and helpless. She’s going to die, Hannah thought with sinking dread. This precious girl is going to die if I don’t get her to eat. I won’t be able to live with myself if Natalie dies… Intuition, impulse, and instinct brought an idea to Hannah’s mind. “Then I will.”

            Nat pulled away and looked at Hannah like she’d lost her mind. “How? You can’t eat for me.”

            “No. But I can do a better job of getting you to eat.”

At that, Natalie inched away, worry pooling in her eyes.

“It’s not going to hurt,” Hannah added quickly. “It’s really hard for you to do a lot of things now, right? Even things that used to be easy?”

Nat nodded.

“Then I’ll help you do whatever you can’t do on your own. And you need more help to eat.”

“…How?”  Nat shrunk away again.

Hannah softened her voice as much as possible. “Come on love, I want you to turn towards me.” She helped Natalie swivel to face her, and moved the chairs together until their knees were almost touching. Hannah took a napkin off the table and covered Natalie’s lap. When Hannah reached for the bowl of yogurt Natalie whimpered.

 “Honey, it’s not going to hurt. I promise.” She wiggled her pinky at Nat.

With a quick motion, Hannah grabbed the spoon and stirred it three times. She filled it halfway and held it up to Nat’s mouth. “Come on sweetheart, you can do it.” Nat pulled away. “Please Nat? It’s really okay. You need to be taken care of. I want to take care of you.”

Cautiously, Nat opened her lips. It was enough for Hannah to feed her the spoonful. When the spoon came out clean Hannah smiled. “There, you did it.”

            She scooped another spoonful and held it up.

Nat ate it.

            “Good job sweetie! You’re doing so well.”

            Nat bashfully closed her eyes and scrunched her nose.

            “I’m proud of you,” Hannah held up another spoonful.

            Nat ate.

            Hannah continued hand-feeding Natalie like a baby, encouraging and praising her with every bite. Every time she allowed Hannah to feed her, Nat relaxed more, trust visibly growing in her posture. Before they knew it, the bowl was empty.

Chapter Text

Nat’s stomach felt full in that uncomfortable way it always did now when she ate. She was a little embarrassed that she was being treated like she was helpless…but it felt nice too. Hannah kept telling her how good she was being, and all Nat couldn’t get enough. She would’ve eaten until she got sick again if it made Hannah continue.

            “Okay honey,” Hannah said brightly, wiping Nat’s mouth with a paper towel. “Think you want to take a nap?”

            Natalie nodded. She was still really tired from the day, and the day before really.

            Hannah helped her off the chair and took her hand to walk to her bedroom. Nat sat on her bed and started pulling the top sheet and comforter out of the tangle she left it in.

            “You got them impressively tied up here,” Hannah laughed, helping her pull them out until they could rest over the bed smoothly.

            Nat ducked her head. “Sorry,” she said in a small voice. “Do I have to make my bed after I wake up?”

            Hannah furrowed her brow. “No, you don’t have to make your bed.”

            Nat fidgeted with the comforter. “What chores do I have to do? I didn’t ask yesterday.”

            “Aw honey, you don’t need to help with any chores.” Hannah looked almost sad.

            “Why not?”

            “Because you’re not capable of that now and-”

            “I am too,” Nat frowned at her. She wasn’t a burden. She could pull her own weight. Why did Hannah think she wouldn’t help out?

            Hannah’s face softened and she nodded. “Okay honey, if you want to help around the house we can talk about that after your nap. But I want you to lie down now.”

            Nat obeyed and rested her head on her pillow, sinking into the softness.

            “Oh, need to get your blanket!” Hannah popped off the bed and into the closet where they’d left it.

            Her blanket. That was the second time Hannah referred to that blanket as Nat’s. Hannah was so generous lending her the blanket, so Nat wanted to make sure she took good care of it for when she had to give it back.

            Hannah sat on the bed beside Natalie and handed her the blanket. Nat held it and pressed it against her face. “Thank you. I really like this blanket,” she said softly.

            “I’m glad you do,” Hannah smiled. She gently brushed bits of Nat’s hair out of her eyes and ran her fingers along her face. It always made Natalie melt. There weren’t many times Nat felt comfortable with anyone touching her face, but this made it feel like everything was ok.

“I’m going to shut the lights out, ok?” Hannah whispered.

            Nat nodded as Hannah got up, and she closed her eyes. When the room dimmed Natalie put her thumb in her mouth, expecting to hear the door to close.

            However, Hannah appeared back at her side and sat on the bed. Natalie instinctively pulled her thumb away from her mouth and hugged her blanket tightly to her face.

            “Shh, it’s ok,” Hannah whispered. “You’re allowed to suck your thumb. If it makes you feel better, it’s okay with me.”

            Natalie anxiously watched Hannah’s expression as she carefully put her thumb back in her mouth, covering most of her face with the blanket. Luckily, Hannah’s face remained kind, so Nat felt safe enough to close her eyes again. Hannah’s weight shifted slightly on the bed as she brushed her fingers through Natalie’s hair. Her nails gently scraped across Nat’s scalp rhythmically. It felt good, and a sense of calm slowed through her muscles like a sigh. As Natalie drifted off, she realized that Hannah was doing the same head-scratching thing that she’d seen her do to Alex while they watched the movie last night. And that made it feel even better.

November 1981

            Natty crookedly stacked five alphabet blocks on top of one another. She slowly moved her hand closer and closer, until it pushed the tower down. “Boom!” She giggled excitedly and looked at her mother.

            Vera smiled at her daughter on the floor and nodded heavily, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “Yeah, you knocked it down Natty. Nice job” She went back to watching TV, taking another drag.

            Natty smiled. Mommy liked that.

Natty carefully stacked her blocks again, looking up at her mother after she placed each one down. It fell before it was as high as she wanted, so she grumbled and tried again.

            They were all stacked again, and she dramatically pulled her hand back and smacked the tower. “Boom!”

            This time, Vera ignored her, eyes still glued to the TV. Natty frowned. She dumped out the entire box of blocks onto the floor and made a small wall of blocks with all of them. It took her a good three minutes to get them all stacked at the same time without any falling. Natty looked up at her mother and grinned. She didn’t look at her.

            “Mommy.”

            Vera ignored her.

            “Mommy!” Natty’s voice got more urgent.

            Vera softly groaned and rolled her eyes.

            With the passion only a toddler can summon Natty screeched, “Mommmeeeeee!”

            “What?” Vera snapped, finally looking at her.

            Natty stretched out both her arms and haphazardly smacked the blocks left and right. “BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!”

            “Ugh, Natty!” Vera scolded. “Now you’ve made a big mess I have to clean up.”  

            Her little face fell as Vera lifted her quickly under the arms and moved her to the other side of the room. “Go play with your Big Bird or something.” She tossed a stuffed Big Bird towards her. Natty picked him up, hugged him, and popped her thumb in her mouth. Vera collected up the blocks and put them back in the box. She collapsed back onto the couch and stretched out.

            Natty toddled to the couch, climbing on top of her mother and straddling her hip. “Mommy, hungry,” patted Vera’s arm.

            Vera groaned and pulled away, pushing Natalie into the corner of the couch. “We can’t have dinner until Daddy gets home.”

            “Hunnngryyy!” Natty whined, climbing back on top of her.

            “Natty, stop it! Just leave me alone!” Vera picked Natalie up, walked into her room and plunked her into the crib.

            Natty stood up to grip the bars of her crib. She jumped up and down, angrily screeching and crying. “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

            “OH MY GOD!” Vera yelled from the living room. “Natty, just shut up! Take a nap!”

            Natty shook the bars of her crib, throwing her weight backwards and forward, the wood whining along with her. She wanted Mommy. She wanted something to eat. She wanted to play.

            “MOMMY!” she screamed one more time.

            “Go to SLEEP Natty!”

            Natty sat heavily, grabbing her blankie and holding it tight. Mommy was mad.

Natty reached for a half empty bottle of apple juice leftover from the morning. She put it in her mouth while cuddling her blanket. It was warm and tasted yucky. She spit it out and threw the bottle over the bar of her crib where it cracked loudly on the floor. Natty watched the juice leak out onto the carpet.

            “Mommy! Want baba! Juice! Mommy, juice!”

            “Natty, if you don’t shut up and I have to come in there, I’m going to spank you!”  

            That was enough to quiet her. Natty curled up in the corner of the crib with her blankie over her head and sucked her thumb. She wanted Mommy still, but Mommy was mad. Natty rocked herself slightly. She wanted to be held. She wanted more apple juice

            Antsy and increasingly cranky, Natty stood up in her crib and batted at her mobile. It gave a slight tinkle of a tune, but all the yellow bears remained stationary. She picked at the one wearing the blue shirt and squeezed it before smacking the entire mobile again. It gave an injured creak of a tune. Natty glared at it and tried to pull the arms so it would turn the bears and make music. It made a loud crack and she gasped. The mobile hung limply with one arm hanging off, the bears hanging low into the crib.

            It was broken. Natty touched it cautiously and started to cry. She wanted it on, she wanted the bears to turn and sing. She wanted Mommy. She hid under her blanket again and sucked her thumb as she cried softly. She was still hungry. She was still thirsty. She needed a new diaper. And she wanted Mommy. Natty cried and fell into dozy state until she heard a loud muffler and the grind of gravel under tires. Daddy was home!

            She popped up and stood in her crib, jumping up and down as the door opened and slammed shut. “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

            “When’s dinner?” a gruff voice asked.

            “Oh, Marc,” Vera’s voice sounded higher than normal. “You’re home a little early, so I didn’t get it started yet.”   

            “Really? I’m early? Ten minutes is early?”

            “Daddy! Daddy!”

            “I’ll get started now.” The floor creaked from Vera rushing into the kitchen.

            “DADDY! DADDY HOME!”

            Her father chuckled and opened the door. “Hi Natty,” he said gently.

            Natty reached her arms out and she was lifted up immediately. Marc gently tossed her a few inches in the air and caught her. He laughed, hugged his daughter and kissed her head. Natty wrapped her arms around his neck and felt the short, scratchy hairs on his cheeks.

            “Oh, Natty, what happened to your bear mobile?”

            Natty whimpered. “Teddies broke.”

            “Aw, Daddy will have to fix it for you later.”

            Natty smiled and hugged him tighter. “Daddy fix. Daddy fix teddies.”

            Marco bounced his daughter a little as he exited her room. She squealed with delight. But he patted her bottom and his light mood darkened. “Vera!” he called, voice growing sharp. “When’s the last time you changed the baby?”

            “Not, not too long ago.” Her voice quavered with worry. “Why, does she need a change?”

            “Whadda you think? That I’m just taking a poll?”

            Vera anxiously shook a container of garlic over the pan of sizzling chopped meat. “I’ll, I’ll change her in a minute. Let me just finish this first so-”

            “NO!” Marc’s voice boomed. “You’re going to change her NOW.”

            Natty froze, afraid to do anything when she was so close to Daddy. He was really mad.

            “Okay, okay,” Vera left the kitchen and took her daughter out of Marc’s arms.

            She quickly rushed to Natty’s room and knelt on the floor, lying the child on her back. Marc followed on her heels, standing over them silently. Silently, until he noticed the broken baby bottle, lying in a halo of saturated carpet. “And what the fuck is this? Really? Not only did you let the baby break the fucking bottle, but you let it SOAK into the carpet for how long? How LONG, Vera?” He spat her name like a slur.

            Vera’s voice trembled in cadence with her hands as she pulled out a diaper basket. “I, I don’t know. I-I-I didn’t know she spilled or broke it. I’d have cleaned it up.”

Natty lay on the floor as still as she could be, while being undressed. She was afraid to wiggle, cry or even suck her thumb. Mommy was very scared. Natty was very scared. Daddy was big and loud and scary.

“And how LONG was Natty in here all alone, without a bottle, in a full diaper, and with a BROKEN FUCKING BABY MOBILE!” He pointed at the lopsided carousel of teddy bear hanging pitifully into the crib. “What kind of mother ARE you? All you have to do all day is TAKE CARE of Natty! And this is how I find her? We’re going to have children’s services here any fucking day now!”

Vera sniveled out a cry and cleaned her baby with shaking hands.

Terror paralyzed Natty as Mommy shook and cried, and Daddy towered over them, waving his arms. Her only thought was: Don’t move.

            When Natty was in a clean diaper, Vera stood her up to pull her shorts, but she didn’t hold onto her grip of the floor, and she fell backwards, smacking her head on the floor. Pain spread through the back of Natty’s head and an ear piercing scream erupted from her lungs.

            “Oh, great fucking job!” Marco grabbed a fistful of his wife’s hair and yanked her backwards, dropping her on the floor. “Now when the social worker comes they’ll find a huge fucking bruise on the baby’s head!” He tenderly reached out and lifted Natty into his arms, placing his hand over her back and bouncing her. “Shh, Daddy’s here now, it’s ok. I know Mommy was stupid and hit your little head on the floor.” He kissed his baby’s head and kicked Vera’s. “But she won’t do that again. No she won’t.”

Marc swayed his body to and fro while holding close to his chest. She cried, still scared, but she could hear Daddy’s heartbeat, and it felt so nice to be rocked.

  Vera cried and sniffled. Marco turned around, placing a hand over Natty’s upturned ear. “Clean the fucking carpet after you take out that diaper pail.” Marc growled. “That thing shouldn’t be sitting in her room all the time making this place smell like a fucking outhouse.”

            Vera nodded, quickly tying off the bag. Natty nervously watched, leaning against her father’s chest. His hand covered her back and he walked to the fridge for a can of beer.

            “Daddy…Juice.” Natty pointed.

            He patted her and walked out of the kitchen with his beer, opening it with a hiss. “Vera! Get Natty a bottle!” Marc continued walking to the living room with Natty on his arm. Before he got to the couch, he stepped on a wooden block with a sock-covered foot, dropping his beer and spilling it on the carpet. “OW! Goddamnit! VERA GET IN HERE!” He placed Natty on the floor and stormed back into Natty’s room.

            “I’m, I’m cleaning the carpet. I’ll get dinner going as soon as I’m done.”

            Natty crawled under the table to hug its furthest leg and suck her thumb. She wanted her blankie. She wanted Mommy or Daddy. The sound of a slap and her mother howling made her jump.

            “I come home, you’ve not started dinner, the baby’s been ignored, and you’ve let her turn this place into a pigsty! I nearly break my fucking neck WHILE holding the baby, stepping on her toys and spill my beer all over the carpet so there’s ANOTHER stain you’ve caused. Seriously, what the fuck do I keep you around for? I’M TIRED OF IT!”

            Natty shook and cried as a torrent of slaps, crashes, and clunks echoed through the house. Mommy was crying. Natty was scared and wanted Mommy and blankie even more. “Momma…” she cried softly. “Mommy…”

            Marc stomped out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. He came out moments later, full baby bottle and beer can in hand. He placed them on the table and reached down, pulling Natty out. “Come on sweet pea, Daddy got you some juice.” He held her against his chest and gave her the bottle. She took it with trembling hands and gnawed on the nipple.

            Marc sat on the sunken couch and cradled Natty in his lap, changing the channel on the TV to the news. Natty leaned into her father’s chest, nervously drinking her juice. Marco took a long swig from his beer and set it on the coffee table. “And dinner better be fucking ready in a half hour!” Natty drank her juice faster, bubbles coursing through noisily while she watched the beer can in a creamy puddle of white foam settling into the carpet.

            “Hey sweetheart,” a soft voice said. “I want you to get up now, okay? Alex will be home any minute and I want you to sleep tonight.”

            Natalie groaned and creaked her eyes open. “Don’t want to,” she whined.

            “Come on honey,” Hannah gently pulled the blanket off Natalie and lifted her off the bed and onto her feet like she did in the morning. Nat rubbed her eyes and yawned. She was still sleepy. “You can watch TV or take a shower, but I want you out of your room and up now. And Alex will want to spend time with you when she’s home.”

            Nat frowned. She didn’t care about TV. She was NOT going to take a shower with that stupid, old-people chair. And she was not in the mood to entertain Alex. But Hannah took her hand, and she followed to the living room where she fell onto the couch and crossed her arms. Hannah turned on the TV. Three young teenagers hung from the ceiling, trying to throw footballs into differently colored tires. The hyperbolic enthusiasm of a loud sportscaster speaking too close into the microphone narrated their actions.   

            “Do you like this show?” Hannah asked. “Alex does. And she loves doing the deep voice to say, ‘Global Guts!’ like the intro.”

            Nat shrugged. “Never really watched it. Need cable for Nickelodeon.”

            Hannah sighed and placed the remote in her lap. “Well, you can give it a try and if you don’t like it, you can change it.”

            Before Nat could pick up the remote to flip around the channels Alex flung open the door. “Honey, I’m home!” she shouted.

Hannah laughed, wrapping Alex in a big hug and kissing her cheek. “Ooh, I missed you, gooseberry!”

“But not enough to go to church?” Alex gave her mother a playful side-eye.

Hannah snorted and rolled her eyes. “You would be correct, I’m afraid.”

Alex grinned and noticed Nat on the couch. “Hi Natalie! Are you feeling any better? Do you want me to get you anything?”

“No, I’m good.”

Alex jumped onto the couch and Natalie bounced. She reached into her lap and snagged the remote control. “Oooh, GLOBAL…GUTS!” she deepened her voice and twitched left and right with each syllable.

“Hnh,” Nat nodded. “Uh, yeah.” Definitely lost the cute by now…

“Do you think you could play on this show? I couldn’t. I’m not that good at sports. Oh, but you are! You’re really good at soccer, right? That’s how-” Alex paused, catching herself.

Natalie scowled, slowly exhaling though her nose, like a screaming teapot releasing steam. “You mean, that’s how I got in a plane crash?” It hung in the air, thick with animosity.

Alex stared at her, frozen in alarm.

Hannah looked horrified but worse…angry. She was visibly holding her breath, eyes piercing, lips pressed together tightly. She’s holding in the yell, Nat realized.

Fear dropped cold in Natalie’s stomach, and she hung her head. Oh my God, I’m so fucking stupid talking to her kid like that… I’ve got to be fucking nice to her, so she likes me! “I’m sorry Alex,” she whispered meekly. “That was mean of me to say like that. I’m sorry. I, I do like soccer. And running. And climbing things. I, I think I’d like to be on this show. But,” she anxiously laughed. “I don’t, don’t think I could win right now.”  

“Cool…” Alex slowly nodded her head, looking anxiously to her mom.

“Alex, why don’t you go to your room for a bit? Change out of your church clothes.” Hannah’s voice was angry, but she was trying to control and hide it.

Oh no, Nat’s eye filled with tears. She’s making Alex leave so she can deal with me alone.

“Yeah, Mom,” Alex said, backing away from the couch like it was at risk of detonating. “I’ll go do that now.”

The pace of Nat’s breathing increased. That’s it, I’m going to get it. My stupid fucking mouth! I guess it’s good I didn’t unpack…A whimper escaped her mouth, and she bit her lip, trying to stop the tears from falling. Don’t cry, can’t cry, you have to be good. Maybe she’ll still let you stay a little while.

Hannah sat on the couch beside Natalie. Nat trembled and squeezed her eyes shut. “Natalie, look at me,” Hannah’s voice was soft.

Nat sniffed and lifted her head, looking Hannah in the face. She couldn’t stop the tears that fell, and quickly covered her eyes with her hands. Hannah saw. Hannah saw she was being a crybaby before it even started. Maybe she’d think she was doing it for attention or so someone would hear. The worries jackhammered away at the dam of Nat’s self-control, turning her cries into sobs.

“Oh baby,” Hannah cooed.

Natalie jumped and squeaked when she felt arms wrap around her. But they didn’t hurt.

“Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Hannah held Nat’s head to her shoulder and rocked her. “We’re home safe and you’re never going to have to go to that awful place again, or even ever think about it again. I’ll hold you ‘til you calm down, all right? Just hold onto me to remember you’re safe.”

The confusion was so thick in Natalie’s mind she felt like she was stoned. Hannah was…comforting her. She was being nice. Loving. She wasn’t mad at all. But then…why did get mad before and start being all nice now? It didn’t make any sense. Nat clung onto Hannah, uncertain of everything except she liked being held and soothed when cried. She didn’t know crying could ever feel safe. It felt so nice.

Chapter Text

Natalie wasn’t sure how long Hannah held her on the couch, but it was enough that she lost track of time. She was a little worried Alex might come out and see, but didn’t care enough to stop. Being in Hannah’s arms felt better than being a little embarrassed. And why should she care what a kid thinks anyway? Who was she going to tell?  

            Nat’s body felt heavier as she leaned into Hannah more.

            Hannah’s finger traced down Nat’s nose and she scrunched it up from the sensation. “Noooo falling asleep,” Hannah whispered and tickled her cheek. Natalie grunted and held onto Hannah a little tighter.

            “But I’m sleepy,” Nat whined.

            “I know baby, but you need to stay awake so you can sleep at night.” Hannah kissed Nat’s head and gently pulled her off. “I’ll put you to bed tonight after Alex, okay?”

            Nat looked at her suspiciously. “Okay.”

            “And I know you’re probably going to get upset, but you have to eat more. I remembered I got some apples yesterday, and you said earlier you like them. I’m going to make you and Alex a snack. Then later you need to eat dinner.”

Natalie slumped against the couch.  

“Let’s see if you can eat your snack on your own. But if you want, I can help with your dinner again, like I did with lunch.”

            Nat looked away and traced her finger on the couch. She nodded. “I’d…like you to help me again.” She looked briefly at Hannah then back to the couch. “Please.”

             “You can always ask for help, Nat. No matter what it is. It’s ok to ask for help, to accept it. I’m here.” She brushed a bit of hair out of her face. Nat still felt tearful, and wanted to be held again.

            “I’ll be in the kitchen. Why don’t you try a show you might like a little better? We have MTV.”

            “Can I come too?” Nat asked quickly.

            Hannah cocked her head. “Come where?”

            Natalie’s cheeks flushed. “The…the kitchen. With you.”

            Hannah’s eyes watered, and she held Nat’s face in both her hands. “Of course you can, sweetheart. It’s okay to stay close to me.”

            Nat fidgeted. “Promise?”

            Hannah stuck out her pinky. “What do you think?”

            Nat shyly smiled and hooked her pinky on Hannah’s.

            “Come on you,” Hannah lifted Nat to her feet. “No more stalling on your snack!”

            They went into the kitchen and Hannah removed two apples from the fridge. She placed them on the table and took out a cutting board. “Why don’t you sit here, sweetie?” She motioned to an old-fashioned wooden chair with long legs against the counter.

            Nat carefully sat and watched Hannah peel and chop the apples.

            “I hope you like peanut butter,” Hannah said, taking out a jar.

            “I did,” Nat answered softly. “I’ll try it.”

            Hannah smiled. “This is one of Alex’s favorite snacks.” She started smearing bits of peanut butter on the apple slices. Hannah held a slice out to Natalie.

            Instead of taking it, Natalie opened her mouth. Hannah pressed her lips together to suppress a smile as she moved her hand close enough for Nat to take a bite. Biting through the apple took more pressure than Nat wanted to use, and it felt uncomfortable.

            “Chew it well, honey,” Hannah said. “You’ve not been chewing your food enough.”

            Nat focused on moving her jaws up and down to chew the food. She didn’t like the crunch, or the movement of the muscles she had to use. Her gums felt sore, especially in the back. But she chewed and swallowed, looking at Hannah for reassurance.

            Hannah nodded. “Good girl,” she handed the apple slice to Nat. “You try on your own, and I’m going to call Alex out. I’m right here if you need more help.”

            Nat held the apple slice, peanut butter coating her fingers. She licked at the peanut butter and scraped bits of apple off with her front teeth so she could swallow the small pieces instead of chew. She liked the taste, but she was struggling with the texture.

            “Alex, want some apples and peanut butter?” Hannah called.

            Instantly, Alex careened into the kitchen. “Don’t need to ask me twice!” She snatched one off the plate and took a bite. Then she took another bite, consuming the entire slice, while Nat self-consciously nibbled on her apple.

            Alex picked up another apple and Nat watched carefully. Gotta do better… Nat took a bigger bite than she had before. Despite Hannah’s reminders, she didn’t chew it enough and it went down like a sticky pebble in her throat. After her next bite, a small glob of peanut butter got onto the tip of Alex’s nose.

            Hannah laughed. “The two of you look like you went face first into the Skippy jar.”

            Nat curled her shoulders in. She was being so sloppy. She tried to wipe her face, but she had peanut butter on her hands too and made it worse.

            Before she could apologize, Alex slid her hand over her apple slice, removing the peanut butter. “Not just us!” she laughed, smearing some on Hannah’s nose.

            Hannah gasped and her mouth fell open. “Did you just put that on my nose?!”

            Nat froze, her heart rate increasing, as she squeezed her apple slice, juice dripping into her hand.

            “And your chin!” Alex laughed, smearing some on Hannah’s chin too. “You just need some on your lip and you’ll have a goatee.”

            Nat’s eyes darted from Alex to Hannah with worry.

            “Ohhhh, you’ll pay for that!” Hannah grabbed Alex and squeezed her, grabbing her hand and taking a bite out of her apple.

            Nat’s breathing continued to quicken with worry and confusion.

            “Hmmmm, needs some peanut butter,” Hannah gently nipped the peanut butter off Alex’s nose.

            “Heyyyy!” Alex giggled. “That’s mine! I was saving it for later.”

            “Better on your nose than in it.” Hannah laughed.

            They’re…playing, Natalie realized. Hannah’s not mad. She’s ok with Alex being disrespectful. She watched them curiously as she unconsciously sucked on her apple slice.

            “Hey you,” Hannah said to Nat. “I think you missed a spot.”

            “What?”

            Hannah took a blob of peanut butter and dabbed it onto Nat’s nose. “There, now we’re all matching.”

            Natalie was frozen with bewilderment. The smile came to her lips before the understanding fully reached her brain. She chuckled and stuck her sticky fingers out to touch Hannah’s face with it too.

            “Ugggggh,” Hannah mock-groaned. “What am I going to do with you two?!” She squeezed Alex in a hug and kissed her cheek, then kissed Natalie’s too.

            A warm feeling spread through Nat’s chest as she finished eating her first slice of apple, and took another to nibble. This was fun.

            Natalie felt uncomfortable knowing she was eating dinner separately from Hannah and Alex. She sat at the table with them while they ate, and fiddled with the tablecloth above her lap. Hannah did her best to include Nat, but as usual, Alex dominated the conversation talking about…everything. Part of Natalie wanted to go into her room to be alone in the quiet, but she didn’t want to be away from Hannah. Even if she wasn’t directly giving her attention, knowing Hannah was in the same room felt comforting. A comfort Nat did not want to let out of her sight.

            When Alex finished eating, Hannah told her to clean her room while she helped Natalie eat. Alex groaned and complained, but stomped off when Hannah used the stern, mom-voice that still made Nat pause with concern.

            It was the biggest meal Hannah had ever set before her. Bread with butter, mashed potatoes and peas. Nat felt confident eating the mashed potatoes Hannah handfed her, and they tasted ok. The bread was harder, and Nat struggled with the bits of bread Hannah handed her. She wouldn’t eat the crust; it was too crunchy. The peas were harder. She didn’t like the taste or the texture, and almost impulsively spit some out. Nat was pulling looks of disgust and even turned away from Hannah when she held up a third spoonful.

            “You going to fight me over eating your vegetables, kid?” Hannah asked. She was joking, not mad. Yeah, she was definitely joking.

            “No,” Nat shook her head. “Just…hard.”

            “Take a few more bites baby, then all done.” Hannah held the spoonful to her mouth again.

            Natalie moaned and looked at Hannah pleadingly. “My tummy hurts.”

            “Shh, I know. But we’re going slow, and this is how much you need to eat. Your tummy is still adjusting. You’ve been so good for your dinner and the snack you ate earlier. Just two more bites, ok?”

            Nat closed her eyes and opened her mouth. Hannah fed her and she chewed with a grimace. She swallowed hard, not chewing it enough.

            “Laaaast one,” Hannah held up another spoonful and Nat practically swallowed it whole.

            Nat coughed and grabbed her abdomen.

            “So proud of you Natalie,” Hannah said putting a hand to her cheek.

            Nat smiled, despite her achingly full stomach.

March 1986

            “Home base!” Van yelled, smacking her hands on a twisty slide as orange as her hair.

            Johnny huffed and frowned, stopping in his tracks. “You’re too fast!”

            “Not as fast as meeeee!” Natty ran in a circle around Johnny, sticking her tongue out and rushing to join Van as Johnny reached for her and ran towards the slide.

            “BASE!” Nat smacked the slide.

            “You’re still iiiiiit!” Van teased Johnny, hanging onto the slide with one hand and leaning forward.

            “I want to play another game,” Johnny said grumpily. “One I can win. You’re both too fast. It’s not fair.”

            Natty was about to suggest they play hide and seek instead, but Randy came up behind Johnny and laughed. “You can’t win because you’re too slow and fat!”

            Anger burned in Natty’s belly. “Shut up Randy!”

            “Yeah, leave him alone!” Van added.

            Randy laughed again and pointed. “Johnny’s so slow and fat he needs girls to protect him!”

            Johnny’s eyes filled with tears and his lip trembled. Natty looked at him worriedly, knowing Randy would be even meaner if Johnny cried. And others might notice too. She couldn’t let that happen. Johnny was her friend.

            “Go AWAY Randy!” Natty stomped towards him.

            “You’re going to stop me, shorty? You’re shorter than my four-year-old sister.”

            Natalie’s eyes blazed. How dare he say she, a six-and-a half-year-old was smaller than a four-year-old? “I am NOT!”

            “Stop being a jerk!” Van  said pointedly at Randy.

            Johnny sniffled. “I don’t need girls to fight for me,” he said weakly, Van and Natty still standing protectively in front of him.

             Randy laughed again, speaking louder so the whole playground could hear. “John-ny’s a cry-baby. A fat, slow, cry-baby!” He teased in sing-song.

            A few laughs echoed around the playground. Natty heard Johnny cry audibly now, and knew he was done for. Randy had to pay for this.

            “You’re fatter and grosser than Johnny ever could be, RANDY! You’re a stupid, ugly asshole! FUCK OFF!”

            A wave of gasps rippled through the playground, as Randy stared at her in shock.

            “Natty!” Van whispered in horror. “You just said the F-word.”  

            “And the A-word,” Johnny added, looking more concerned for her than himself now. “You’re going to get in trouble.”

            “I don’t care!” Natty’s hands were fisted as she stared daggers at Randy. “He IS an asshole.”

            The bravado of the round-faced boy in front of her crumbled and he started to cry, running off to the lunch aides. A group of the other children on the playground followed him, preparing to corroborate his story. The reality of adults realizing she’d been bad hit Natty as she looked at her friends. “Let’s run!”

            She turned and ran to the far side of the playground, by the wood play structure. It had lots of corners to hide in, and plenty of the kids were too wussy to go in all of them where there were spiders or splinters. That’s why it was the best place to hide. Van followed close behind and Johnny did his best to keep up, looking back nervously at the kids tattling on them. Natty climbed as high as she could and found a space she could wedge herself into near the top. No one else could reach her there.

            Van squeezed into another spot and Johnny was several rungs below them, whining that they were still going to get in trouble.

            “You didn’t do anything!” Van whispered. “Natty’s the one who will be in trouble.”

            Trouble. The word settled in Natalie’s stomach, and she finally felt the fear. She’d never gotten in big trouble at school. Everyone was always afraid to go to the principal’s office when they were bad. What did he do in there? Natty wondered if it would hurt worse than trouble at home. She wanted her thumb, but she had to be a big girl around her friends. “Have you ever gone to the principal’s office?” she murmured.

            “Once when my mom picked me up early because my grandpa had a heart’tack,” Johnny answered.

            Van rolled her eyes. “That’s not what she means, Johnny. She means if you were called there because you got in trouble.”

            “Oh.” He thought for a moment. “No.”

            Natty’s tummy started to hurt. She was really scared now.

            “Natalie!” an angry, adult voice called. “Natalie Scattorcio, are you in there?”

            All three children froze, Natalie’s pupils dilated with terror.

            “No Natalie here!” Van shouted out.

            “That’s not true, I saw her go in there!” a child’s voice shrieked.

            Natty whimpered. She was caught. Now what would happen?

            “Natalie!” the aide was shouting now. “And anyone else in there! Come out THIS instant.”

            “I think we need to listen,” Johnny said, anxiously looking to the girls and the exit from the structure.

            Van’s eyes were sad as she looked up at Natty. “I think he’s right…You’ll probably get in more trouble if you hide.”

            Natty blinked away some tears and inhaled to keep them in. Van was right. It was always worse when she hid. “Okay,” her little voice croaked. “I don’t want you to get in trouble too.”

            All three children emerged from the play structure, with Natty creeping out last.

            “THAT’S HER!” Randy shouted, pointing at Natty. He was blubbering uncontrollably. “She, she told me to F-OFF, and she, she called me a A-HOLE! And then she did it a SECOND TIME!”

            Natty’s eyebrows furrowed into a glare. She wanted to say again, that yes, Randy Walsh WAS an asshole.   

            “Let’s go, young lady,” the elderly lunch aide took Natty’s hand and started walking to the building.

            The playground erupted in a chorus of schadenfreude “oooohs” as everyone watched Natty being perp walked to the principal’s office.

            Natty kept her face strong. No big lipped-pouts. No tears. No whining. She was a big girl. She could take it. And she wouldn’t cry when she got it either.

            Natty was walked into the office and passed the nice secretary who always gave her a peppermint. She set foot in the principal’s office for the first time. He sat at his desk with his hands folded, looking serious. Mr. Halk was a big man, bigger than Daddy in both height and weight. He had a thick gray beard and gray hair that only grew on the sides of his head. Mr. Halk had never been mean, and he talked softer than most men. But his size was scary. Maybe she would cry.

            “What seems to be the problem, here?” Mr. Halk asked.

            The lunch aide looked disapprovingly at the small girl at her side. “Someone seems to have a very nasty potty mouth.”

            Mr. Halk tsk-tsked. “Natty, bad language is not allowed in this school. Do you understand me?”

            Natty nodded.

            “You’re going to be punished for what you did. I’m going to call your parents, and you have to go home today and stay home tomorrow. And no recess for the rest of the week.”

            Natty’s eyes grew. It hadn’t dawned on her that this would involve her parents. She whimpered and the tears pooled in her eyes, but she did not let them fall.

            “You sit right there in that chair while I call your home.” Mr. Halk pointed to a small chair in front of his desk. “Thank you Phyllis, you can go back now.” Mr. Halk said as he took a note from the aide and thumbed through a rolodex on his desk. Natty sat in the chair and did her best to be brave. Mommy was going to be really mad. Daddy would probably be mad too. She bit her nail and sucked the tip of her thumb until Mr. Halk looked at her, phone to his ear.

            “Hello, Mrs. Scatorccio? This is Mr. Halk from Natalie’s school. …Yes, there is a bit of a problem. You need to pick Natalie up from school as soon as you’re able. She’s in my office right now. …Yes, this is for a disciplinary reason. …I’d like to discuss that further when you arrive. …Thank you.”

            Mr. Halk hung up the phone. He pulled out some papers, put on his reading glasses and started writing on them. “You sit there like a good girl until your mother comes to pick you up.”

            Natty nodded. She could do that. Maybe if she did Mr. Halk would tell her mom she’d been good for him too. Maybe that would help.

            The bell rang and the sounds of the children returning from recess filled the hallway. It would be time for music class now. Natty liked the xylophone.

            It felt like hours for Mommy to finally get there, but even with her infantile sense of time, Natty knew it wasn’t quite that long.

            “Hey ah, I’m here to pick up my daughter.”

            The sound of Mommy’s voice sent a chill down Natty’s spine. She almost cried. But she didn’t.

            “Mrs. Scatorccio,” Mr. Halk called, waving to her. “Come on in, and shut the door.”

            Vera walked into the principal’s office, sliding her handbag off her shoulder and sitting in a larger seat beside Natalie. She glared at her angrily. “What did you do?”

            Natty scrunched up her shoulders and looked at her mother like an animal in a trap.

            “Go on, Natalie,” Mr. Halk said, not unkindly.

            Natty fidgeted with her hands and looked back and forth between the adults. “Bad…bad words.”

            “What?” Vera looked thoroughly annoyed.

            “Called Randy…um, bad words. He was being nasty to Johnny and-”

            “There’s no excuse for bad language like that, Natalie,” Mr. Halk cut in.

            “What did you say?” Vera stared daggers at Natty, her voice just as sharp.

            Mr. Halk cleared his throat and slid a piece of paper across the table. “This is the report from the aides who spoke to the children about the incident.”

            Vera grabbed the scrap of paper. Natty craned her neck to see if she could read it. She saw her name. And Randy’s name. And Fuck. Most of the other words were too hard for her to read without sounding them out loud. Vera huffed and slammed the paper onto the desk, staring at Natalie with the malice. “Sorry Mommy…” she whispered.

            “You’re going to be sorry, all right.” Vera scolded.

            Fear overtook Natty’s shame, and she started sucking her thumb to keep from crying. Crying was worse.

            “This behavior, Mrs. Scatorccio, the foul language,” Mr. Halk interrupted. “Is obviously unacceptable. Natalie is going to be suspended tomorrow, and sit inside for recess the rest of the week as her punishment. But,” he cleared his throat. “A small child’s use of profanity is a reflection of how they are being raised and...what they’re being…exposed to.” Mr. Halk moved his hands in an outward motion, then brought them back together, fingers touching. “A child of this age does not understand the gravity of these words. Many of them don’t even know what they mean, by definition, nevermind a slang definition or social connotation of that word. They just know they are ‘bad’ words, and how to use them…to harm others.”  

            Mr. Halk looked at Vera. Natty didn’t understand what the heck Mr. Halk was saying, but she could tell Mommy was upset. Scared. Her cheeks were getting red.

            “I don’t allow Natty to speak like that,” Vera said defensively. “Neither does her father.”

            “Oh no, I’m not accusing you of that,” he said gesturing again. “But as a parent, one must be mindful of what little ears are listening to. On the television, in the neighborhood.” He paused, looking directly at Vera. “In the home.” Mr. Halk rubbed a large hand across his beard. “Now, we all slip up now and again Mrs. Scatorccio. But their little minds are sponges,” anger crept into his voice. “And I don’t want innocent children bringing their parents’ filth into my school. Is that clear?”

            Natty watched Mommy’s face. She could tell she was worried, but couldn’t see what other feelings were behind her eyes. But they were not good. “Yes, Mr. Halk. Trust me, this will not happen again.”

            Mr. Halk leaned back in his chair. “Good,” he said with a tone of satisfaction. “I don’t expect to see you again then, young lady.” He looked at Natty, but he didn’t look mad. His eyes almost smiled. “I expect you’ll be on your best behavior come Thursday as usual, right?”

            Natty nodded, fingers gripping her cheek as she sucked her thumb.

            “All right, that’s all folks. You can see yourselves out.”

            Vera grabbed Natty’s forearm and briskly walked out of the office with her. Natty had to break into a trot to keep up with her mother. After briefly looking around to make sure no one was in earshot Vera hissed, “Take your thumb out of your mouth! You’re not a baby.”

            Natty whipped it out and held her hand behind her back, as though that could erase the action.

            “You’re SO lucky Daddy took his bike to work today and left me the car. Do you know what would’ve happened if I had to call him to come get you, or bring me the car? Do you?” she said through her teeth.

            Natty stayed silent. This was one of those questions she wasn’t really supposed to answer.

            “Get in the car!” Vera shouted, opening the door. Natty clambered into the backseat as quickly as she could. “And buckle your seat belt!”

            Natty buckled up and held onto the handle on the door. She wanted her thumb, but Mommy would yell again. She wanted her blankie. She wanted to hide.

The ride was uneventful, Vera smoking with the window down and shooting periodic threatening glances into the back seat.

Natty’s stomach dropped when the gravel crunched under the car tires. They were pulling up…

Vera exhaled and tossed her cigarette butt out the window. “If you even think about running, I’m calling Daddy at work.”

Natty nodded vigorously. This was too serious a problem to run from. It would only make it worse.

With an angry grunt, Vera got out of the car and opened Natty’s, pulling her out of the car. “Get your nasty, filthy-mouthed, disrespectful little ass inside so I can deal with you.”

Vera unlocked the door, dragging her inside by her arm. It closed with a slam and she whipped around, gripping Natty’s shoulders. “What hell were you thinking, huh?!” she shook her. “As if they don’t think bad enough about our family as it is? You have to go running your mouth talking like a low-life! Do you know how bad this makes me look, Natty?!”

            She was good, and held her tears in. “No…”

            “Really fucking bad, that’s how!”

            “I’m sorry, Mommy.” The tears didn’t come out of her eyes, but they leaked out in her voice.

            Vera laughed sardonically. “Not as sorry as you’re about to be.” She pulled her daughter across the room and unhooked a turning wand from the blinds on the window. Natty whimpered as she was dragged to the couch.

            “Bend over.”

            Natty froze, staring at the turning wand.  

            “I said bend over! And pull your pants down.”

            Natty blinked away her tears and fiddled with the band of her pants, desperately willing herself to do it. She hated this part the most.

            “For god’s sake, can you do anything right today?! This is why you’re getting a spanking!” Vera grabbed her under the arms and bent her over the couch, and ripping her pants to her knees.

            Natty pushed her face into the couch cushion when she heard the turning wand slice through the air. It hurt. A lot. Her fingernails dug into the couch, and she opened her mouth to scream into the cushion as Vera whipped her. If muffled the sound well, and she was grateful for it. You always get more if you complain. She cried some tears but rubbed her face against the couch to hide them.

            Vera let out an exhausted grunt as she gave Natty one last lash. “Go to your room! If I hear any complaining, I’ll get the cord. And let’s just see what happens when Daddy gets home.” Vera ran a hand through her hair and collapsed into the couch, pulling out a cigarette.

            Natty rolled over and carefully pulled her pants up, mewling like a scared kitten. She rushed into her room, body still stinging like fire ants. She grabbed her blankie like a lifeline and held it tight. With extra care to not bump her backside against the rungs, Natty crawled under her bed. She put her blankie over her head and sucked her thumb, finally allowing herself to silently weep.   

            As she usually did, Natty fell asleep under her bed after her punishment. She was woken up by the sound of Daddy noisily coming in the door. Her ears were full alert.

            “Hey baby,” Vera fawned.  

            “Smells good,” Marco answered. “That the venison?”

            “It is! That was such a big deer you got it’ll probably last us another month.”

            Marco coughed. “Where’s Natty?”

            “She’s in her room sulking. She got sent home from school by the principal, so I gave her a spanking.”

            “What?” surprise laced with shock entered his voice. “Natty! Get in here!” The anger had entered in…

             She squeezed her eyes shut and got a few tears out before she crawled out. She wouldn’t be able to keep the tears in if she got it a second time from Daddy. Natty clutched her blanket hard, burrowing her face into it before setting it down on the bed so she could be a big girl when she talked to Daddy.

            With trepidation, Natty creaked open her door and walked into the living room, where Daddy was standing tall with his arms folded. “Natalie,” he said firmly. “Get over here right now,” he pointed to the spot in front of him.

            Natty padded over, trying to be brave.

            “Were you a bad girl at school today?”

            There was never a correct answer to this question. But considering the day’s events? Natty thought it was best to nod.

            “What did you do?”

            “I, um, I…” she stammered.

            “She’s cursing on the playground!” Vera shouted.

            “She’s what?” Marco looked towards his wife incredulously.

            Vera came into the living room so they both stood over Natty. “I have the note right here from the principal,” she took it out of her pocket and handed it to her husband.

            Marco looked at it with a serious expression. But much to Natty’s shock, his angry expression broke. He snorted, letting out loud guffaws. “She—she called another kid an asshole?” he laughed.

            “It’s not funny, Marc!”

            He laughed more, putting a hand on his belly. “It sure as hell is!” He continued laughing, making Vera more furious with every moment. Natty was stock still, unsure of how to react. “So tell me,” he chuckled again. “Was he an asshole, Natty?”

            Her eyes grew as she looked from her father to her mother. “Um, yeah. He…he called Johnny fat and was mean to him.”

            Marco laughed again. “Holy shit, holy shit. That’s the best laugh I’ve had in a fucking while. I can’t wait to tell Nicky tomorrow. I needed that,” he sighed.  

            “It’s NOT funny. You should’ve heard that principal today! How he was saying we need to be mindful of what we say around her, and what we expose her to. Talking to me like I’m shit on his shoe. He said Natty was bringing filth into school.”

            Marc rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Who cares what that stuck-up, fat ass thinks? Who is he to us?”

            “I don’t want people talking about us like that! Judging us on who we are, and how we’re bringing Natty up and-”

            “NO ONE cares, Vera! Just shut up and go finish dinner! I want to enjoy my evening without listening to your bullshit.”

            With red-faced exasperation, Vera turned back to the kitchen in defeat.   

            Marco leaned down and lifted Natty into his arms. “Mommy’s got a stick up her ass,” he whispered. Natty nervously smiled and wrapped her arms around Daddy’s neck. She hugged him tightly, deeply relieved. “Mmm, that’s my sweet pea,” he kissed the top of her head. “You go get Daddy a beer?” He put her back on her feet.

            “Uh huh!” she ran to the kitchen to grab a can from the fridge, avoiding her mother’s caustic scowl.

            Natty walked slowly back to the living room to hand Daddy his beer. He took it and popped it open, looking around cartoonishly. “Need to wet your whistle?” he asked conspiratorially.

            Natty grinned and pursed her lips, blowing through them.

He touched his cheek as his jaw fell open in theatrical shock. “Oh my gosh! So dry!”

“Like a desert!” Natalie mimed fainting.

Daddy chuckled. “Well, only one way to solve that is…” he paused, shotting her an expectant and mischievous smile.

“Wet your whistle!” they said in unison.

Marco held the beer can up to Natty face and tipped it back slightly, so she had a mouthful. She scrunched her face and swallowed. It tasted yucky, but this game was fun.  

Daddy laughed good-naturedly and lifted Natty into his lap. She winced and sucked in her teeth when their bodies made contact. But Natty cuddled into his chest, blocking out the stinging by thinking about how Daddy was happy with her.

Chapter Text

            “Alex, did you clean your room?” Hannah called, knocking on her door.

            “Uh, sorta.” Alex opened the door to reveal a still-messy room.

            Hannah sighed in annoyance. “Alex, you’ve had nearly 40 minutes while I was feeding Natalie, and it looks like you’ve picked up one shirt off the floor. I’m giving you another half hour, and if your room isn’t clean by then, you’ll get a consequence. Then you need to hop in the shower and get ready for bed. It’s already 7:30.”

            Alex pouted. “Ugh, come onnnnn. My room isn’t even that bad! And I should be allowed to stay up later than nine! I’m going into middle school this year.”

            “Alex,” Hannah glared at her. “Now. Clean your room, shower, brush teeth, bed. No more discussion.”

            Alex grumbled and slammed her door in Hannah’s face. I guess that was a short-lived honeymoon phase…

            Hannah walked into the living room to see Natalie on the couch, The Simpsons playing in the background. “Is Alex in trouble?”

            “What? Oh. She might be. If her room isn’t clean in a half hour.”

            “Does she need help?”

            “Natalie, you don’t need to help her. You’re not well enough and it’s her responsibility. She’s also had ample time to clean it.”

            “Okay…”

            “It’s getting late, why don’t you go take a shower? It’s still all set up for you.”

            Natalie’s face darkened and she crossed her arms, shaking her head.

            “I know you don’t like the shower chair, but you just need to use it for a few weeks. It’ll make it easier.”

            Nat shook her head.

            Hannah sat beside her on the couch and touched her shoulder, but Natalie pulled away. “I don’t want to!”   

            “Honey, you need to shower.”

            Nat shrugged. “I went ages without a shower and I’m fine. I can just wait to take one until I can stand up.”

            “Natalie,” Hannah’s voice got stern. “You’re not going to go weeks without a shower. It’s late and you need to take one.”

            “What if I don’t?” Nat’s tone had the attitude of a teenager, but her eyes didn’t have the same level of conviction.

            Hannah paused. What would happen? Frustration festered in Hannah’s chest like an ever-growing ball of knots. She just wanted to go to bed.

“I guess you won’t shower, then,” her voice was dull.

Nat frowned.

“I’m not going to fight you, Natalie. But I need you to cooperate with what you need to do to stay safe and healthy. You can skip the shower tonight, but I expect you to buck up and take a one tomorrow.”

Nat turned her head away.

“I’ll leave you alone now.”

Hannah walked to her bedroom and shut the door, collapsing on the bed. What the fuck have I got myself into? I can’t even get my own kid to clean her room, and now I have a severely injured 18-year-old pouting on my couch, refusing to shower.

She closed her eyes, massaging her temples. Visions of blood seeped into her thoughts, the way it looked on the snow, the dirt, her hands, bodies… Hannah opened her eyes and sat up. Maybe SHE should shower. That could be relaxing, and the sound and sensation of the water might drown out whatever dark images were attempting to take over her mind.

Hannah leapt up and got herself a towel, glancing at the living room to make sure Nat was still there. She was. Arms still crossed and petulant pout on her sunken face.

Might as well put it to good use, Hannah thought as she turned on the shower and sat in the shower chair. As the hot water ran over her body, she remembered how exhausted she was. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. It was easy to forget that she was still recovering from malnutrition and emotional trauma too. Whatever, she thought. I’ve not been this thin since before Alex was born, and the girls’ needs are more important.

After losing track of time under the cascading water, Hannah gave her body a cursory wash and rinsed. She didn’t bother with her hair.

Hannah dressed and knocked on Alex’s door. “I better be able to eat off that floor!” she joked.

Alex flung the door open with a mischievous grin. “I hope you like CARPET LINT then!” She made a grand gesture of her arm, showing off her room that had nothing left on the floor.

“Amazing what you can do in a half hour when you put your mind to it, huh?” she asked, hand on her hip.

Alex rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay.”

“Now…shower,” Hannah moved both her arms in a swaying motion to the bathroom.

Alex groaned and went on her way. When Hannah looked towards the living room, she saw Natalie watching them. But she turned away when Hannah caught her eye.

Nat was staring at the TV, but not really watching it. Hannah sat on the couch. “You ok?”

Nat shrugged.

Due to Nat’s earlier reaction, Hannah refrained from touching her, and didn’t even sit close. Her mind felt like a deflated balloon. They sat in awkward silence.

Alex asked to sleep in her room again. They lay in Hannah’s bed, Hannah gently caressing her daughter’s hair.

“Mom?” her voice was soft.

“Yeah?”

“Is Natalie…okay?”

“I guess that depends on what you mean by ‘okay’.”

Alex considered it for a moment. “I don’t know. She’s just…threw up like I’ve never seen anyone throw up and…she cries a lot, doesn’t she? Even if I don’t see it, her face looks like she’s been crying.”

Hannah sighed. “No, Alex. She’s not okay. She almost died. She went through a really, really horrible experience. She was scared, hungry, hurt and just…going through a nightmare for almost two years. Her body is a mess. And so is her mind.”

“Will she get better?”

Hannah was grateful for the dark, so Alex couldn’t see her eyes. I don’t know… “That’s why she’s here with us. We’re going to help her get better.”

“I’m sorry I got her upset before... Talking about soccer. I forgot.” Alex snuggled into Hannah. “Do you think she’s mad at me?”

Hannah soothingly ran her fingers up and down Alex’s arm. “I don’t think so, baby.” She paused. “And I’m sorry I’ve been a bit short with you today. I’ve been really worried about Natalie too.”

“That was scary when she got sick,” Alex whispered. “I thought maybe we’d have to call 911. She’s so skinny it’s…I’m not saying this to be mean, but…it’s kind of creepy. I didn’t even know anyone could be that skinny.”

“The human body is a marvel, honey. It fights really hard for survival.” Hannah ran her finger along Alex’s nose. “But don’t worry about Natalie. I’m going to take care of her, and I’m going to get doctors and other people who can help her too. She’ll gain weight. And…”

“What?”

“It takes…longer for minds to heal than bodies. Natalie probably will cry a lot, or have nightmares. She may be scared, irritable for no reason . Or,” Hannah swallowed heavily. “She may think she feels or sees or hears things that aren’t there. Scary things that she may have seen or felt when she was lost.”

“Like bears?”

Hannah pressed her lips together to suppress a smile. “Maybe. Bears were one of the scary things out there.”

Alex’s eye lit up. “Did you see any? How big were they? Were they Grizzly bears or-”

“Shh,” Hannah put her pointer finger to Alex’s lips. “That’s enough, baby. Time to sleep. You have school tomorrow. And I’m really tired too, okay?”

Alex sighed in defeat, but rolled onto her stomach, presenting her back. Over the years it had become her silent request for Hannah to rub her back, and Hannah obliged. “Love you, Mom,” she whispered.

God, Hannah missed this kid. She was a glorious pain in the ass, but she was the best thing that had ever happened to her. “I love you too, gooseberry.”

It was hard for Hannah to not drift off herself as she rhythmically ran her hand along her daughter’s back, occasionally brushing through strands of her hair or her cheek. Alex’s breathing took on the cadence that told Hannah she was sleeping, or a step away from it. She inched away slightly to see if Alex reacted. She didn’t.

Off to the next one…

It seemed Natalie still hadn’t moved from her spot on the couch. “Hey kid,” Hannah said affectionately. “It’s bedtime.” She put her hand out, hoping Nat had gotten over the shower argument.

Nat looked at her incredulously. “I have a bedtime? I thought you were joking.”

Hannah shook her head. “Come on, I know you’re tired. You were telling me before how sleepy you are.”

Nat’s cheeks colored.

“Come on sweetheart,” Hannah offered her hand again. “We can sit and talk for a bit, about anything you want. I can give you some hugs and read to you if you want.”

“Read to me?”

Hannah flushed. “Yeah…we have lots of books. Or I can sing to you.”  

Nat’s mouth parted slightly, her eyes shining with vulnerability. “You’d sing to me?”

“Sure. If that’s what you want. But I’ll warn you, my voice is mediocre at best!”

Nat nodded slowly, taking Hannah’s hand.

While Nat brushed her teeth and got into her pjs, Hannah made Nat’s bed and turned it down. Nat peeked cautiously around the corner as she finished. “Come on, Natalie.”

Nat walked in and looked from the bed to Hannah, as if trying to figure out what she was seeing. “Is this,” Nat started. “Is this what you do with Alex? At her bedtime?”

“Sort of. Come on, into bed.” Hannah held the comforter open further so Nat could crawl under the covers.

She got in without argument and Hannah sat on the edge of the bed, handing over her grandmother’s blanket. “Would you like me to hold you? You don’t have to be crying for me to hold you, you know.”

Natalie blushed, holding the blanket close to her face. “I know I’ve been crying too much. I’m trying to stop.”

Hannah took a risk and brushed her hand over Nat’s hair. It was greasy. She really did need to wash. Nat leaned into her touch, so Hannah sat further onto the bed and wrapped an arm around her. Nat cuddled into her embrace, hugging the blanket.

“You don’t need to stop crying, honey. It’s okay to cry.”

Nat shook her head.

“It really is. I cry. Everyone does. You need to get that pain out.”

She gave Hannah a side-eye. “Does, does Alex cry much?”

That was unexpected... “Oh. Um, well not very much. She’s a pretty happy kid most of the time. But she cried when I came home the first time—along with me and my parents. She cries if she gets hurt, or if she has a nightmare. And…” tension crept into Hannah’s voice. “Once in a while she cries about the kids at school. There are some who pick on her.”

“Kids can be assholes.”

Hannah nodded with a heavy sigh. “Yeah, they can.”

“What about when she was younger?”

“Younger? Well, as a baby she cried a lot obviously. That’s the only way they can communicate. As a toddler, yeah, a lot. Not too abnormal, but she did throw a lot of tantrums. That wasn’t fun to deal with.”

Nat’s body stiffened in Hannah’s arms. Her wide eyes stared at Hannah, unblinking. “How did you…deal with it?”

 Hannah’s brow furrowed. She was not expecting this pop quiz on Alex’s behavior through the years. “Uh, I mean…as best I could? I was really young, about your age. I was trying to do things that I thought would be best for Alex, but also had my mom telling me everything I was doing was wrong.” She rolled her eyes. “So that led to some inconsistency.”

Nat didn’t respond. Her lips were parted like she wanted to say something, but couldn’t. Her eyes squinted at Hannah then looked down, pushing her face into the blanket.

It was hard to know how to interact with Nat. At times, Hannah felt she was talking to a typical 18-year-old, ready to launch into her life as an independent young adult. Other times she felt like she was talking to a needy little girl who needed constant attention and soothing. The hardest times were when she wasn’t sure how mature the girl behind those big doe eyes was. Her level of intellectual comprehension and emotional understanding seemed…incongruent.  

            “What’s a consequence?” Nat rushed out.

            “What?”

            “Not…like, the definition. I know what the word consequence means. But…before,” she briefly glanced at Hannah’s face. “You told Alex if her room wasn’t clean in a half hour she would get, get a consequence.” Nat squirmed, her fingers gently tugging at the blanket. “What’s a consequence? That she would get?”

            “Oh… I would probably ground her. Give her extra chores. Maybe no TV for a while. No Gameboy. Usually something like that. She’s too big to care much about not getting dessert or time outs anymore.”

            Nat bit her lip and nodded. “But what if she’s…really bad?”

            Hannah had to think. “She had a bout of being really disrespectful to me, and even her teacher last year. So, I told her she couldn’t go to the annual reptile expo we go to every year. She cried for days. I kind of felt bad for that one, but she started speaking more respectfully. Harsh, but I guess that worked.”

             Natalie looked at her blanket. “D’you get mad at Alex a lot?”

            “Not that much. I get aggravated with her more, rather than mad. Well…” she sighed. “I did get a little mad at her today.”

            “You did? When?”

            “This afternoon. Right when she came home. When she brought up…what happened to you.”

            Nat arched an eyebrow. “You mean when she asked about soccer and the crash?”

            “…yeah.”

            “You were mad at Alex?”

            “Yeah…I thought it was obvious.” Hannah chuckled, “Maybe I’ve got a better poker face than I thought!”

            “You don’t.”

            Hannah looked at her with a start. Now she was confused. Where the hell was this conversation going?  

            “Why were you mad at Alex, though?”

            Hannah narrowed her eyes. “Because of her asking you questions like that. I’d specifically told her not to bring up any topics related to...the crash. And you were clearly upset when she said it.”

            Natalie gaped at Hannah. “You mean you weren’t…mad at me?”  

              “At you? Why would I be mad at you?”

            “Because I snapped at Alex. She was just asking if I liked soccer and I was a total bitch to her.” Natalie looked briefly at Hannah. “And I won’t use the shower chair after you told me to, and you spent money on it.” She paused. “Will I..” Nat’s voice sounded very small. “Will I get…consequences if I make you mad? If I’m not good?”

            Hannah’s chest lurched. Her mouth went dry, and she tried to swallow the lump developing in her throat.

Her silence made Nat more nervous as she looked up at her, shrinking lower. “Will I get the same ones as Alex? Or…?”

“Oh honey…”

            Nat hid her face in her blanket. “I didn’t mean to be nasty,” she squeaked. “And I don’t want to use that stupid chair.”

            “Natalie…”

            “I’m sorry I’ve not been corop-cooperating.” Her voice stumbled like a child struggling to pronounce a long word.

            “Nat, it’s okay, baby. Come on, c’mere,” Hannah gently guided Natalie into her lap and rocked her. “Just quiet now, shh,” she gently put a finger to her lips. “You’re not in trouble, you’re not going to get any consequences. I know you’re overwhelmed. And you and Alex won’t get any consequences just for making me mad, okay?”  

            “Why not?”

            “Because…” Hannah paused, scrambling to come up with an answer that she’d assumed was obvious. “Because that’s not fair. It’s not ok for me to punish Alex or you just because I’m mad.”

            Natalie knitted her eyebrows together and fiddled with her blanket.

Hannah stroked her hair gently. “Why don’t we just set that on the shelf for now, okay? You need sleep. But I promise tomorrow you can cuddle up again and ask me any questions you want. Anything you want.”

            Nat clutched a bit of Hannah’s shirt and looked at her. “No consequences tonight?”

            “No Natalie, you’re not in trouble, and nothing is going to happen tonight except you going to sleep.” She ran her finger along Nat’s nose, and felt her body slowly relax. “And, you did want a song, right?”

            With still anxious but hopeful eyes, Nat looked up at Hannah and nodded.

            “Is there a specific one you want?”

            She shook her head. “You pick.” She rested her head against Hannah’s chest and slipped her thumb into her mouth. With worry, she removed it and looked to Hannah and her thumb. “Still allowed?”  

            “Still allowed. You’re allowed to suck your thumb whenever you want, sweetheart.”

            Natalie gave her a grateful smile and sucked her thumb. She closed her eyes, nuzzling into Hannah and gently gripping her shirt collar.

            Hannah held her close and swayed her gently. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray…”

Chapter Text

Natalie woke to the sound of clattering in the kitchen, loud footsteps passing her bedroom door, and Hannah repeatedly reminding Alex to keep it down.

            She listened more, and it sounded like Alex was watching TV. Nat pulled her blanket close and rubbed it on her face. The blanket’s scent filled Nat’s senses as she breathed into it. Comforting, warm, Hannah. Hannah. Natalie reflected on the night before. Or rather, trying to make sense of the night before. Nat had refused to do what she was told and been mean to Alex, but Hannah didn’t get mad or punish her. What’s crazier, was that she held Nat and even sang her to sleep.

            Hannah openly answered the questions Nat asked too, but those answers just further muddied the waters of Nat’s mind. What were the set rules? The punishments for them? Or consequences, as Hannah called them. Obviously, rooms being a mess was a punishable offense. Hannah didn’t seem to care if things like plates broke, if food was wasted, or if someone accidentally made a mess. Maybe intention mattered? Maybe if someone made a big mess on purpose they’d be punished? Disrespect was punished too, but…what did Hannah consider disrespect? Hannah was ok letting Alex and Nat play by making a mess with peanut butter, and laughed when they wiped it on her face. So some messes and disrespect were ok, and not others? How could you tell the difference? She got mad at Alex too…for upsetting Nat? Well, she’d said she told Alex not to talk about the crash, so that meant she deliberately disobeyed her. That was obviously bad. But Alex still didn’t get in trouble for it!

            Nat pushed her face into her blanket and sucked her thumb. Tantrums, though. Tantrums was a really bad one. Hannah’s answer as to how she dealt with Alex was vague, and Nat had been too scared to ask for clarification. But surely, she didn’t need to worry about it for herself. Natalie couldn’t remember ever throwing a tantrum.

Maybe Hannah was just weird. After all, someone who devoted her life to studying frogs who scream while they have sex every seven years was not a normal person. But she was nice. And she felt…safe. Nat wanted her to keep being safe more than anything.

            With one last snuggle into her blanket, Nat got up with determination. She was going to make Hannah proud today. Natalie fixed the sheets, tucking them tight on the sides and laying the comforter and pillows evenly. She took her blanket and folded it at the foot of the bed like she’d first seen it two days before.

            Then she went to her old backpack and the suitcases Hannah lent her to put her things away. After all, she lived here now. She lived here. She could make this room feel like hers, and she’d take very good care of it. A thrill of warmth and excitement with a dab of fear flowed through her chest, and she smiled. But when Nat opened the bags, all the clothing was missing. She searched the drawers, and they were empty too. Strangely enough, all her other things were there—the music, jewelry, various odds and ends. Maybe confiscating or throwing out her clothes was a consequence for not taking a shower. Hannah must’ve been making Nat stay in dirty clothes until she did as she was told. Natalie sighed and accepted it. She’d be cleaner than she had most of the past year and a half anyway. It still felt shitty, but she was determined to make up for it by being good the rest of the day.

            Nat lined her cassette tapes up in a drawer. She stacked her small photo albums beside them and placed her jewelry box on top. A other bits of memorabilia piled in. Everything she had from in her room back in Jersey all fit in one drawer.

            It took a very short time to put everything away. Nat looked around the rest of her room and bit her lip. There wasn’t much in there TO clean. She could vacuum the carpet and inside the closet a little later, and dust her nightstand. Maybe she could vacuum the rest of the house.

            A knock came on the door and startled Nat out of her thoughts. “Natalie?’ Hannah’s voice was soft, polite. The door cracked open. “Oh, you’re awake.”

            “Good morning.”

            “Good morning, sweetheart,” Hannah smiled, pushing open the door. She was holding a full laundry basket…that held stacks of Nat’s clean, folded clothing. “Got all your laundry done!”

            “You did my laundry?”

            “I took your clothes after you fell asleep last night because I realized they’d been sitting for so long and needed a wash.” Hannah scrunched her shoulders and grimaced guiltily. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask before I went through your things, I just wanted to make sure you had clean clothes.”

            “Oh...” Nat looked at the basket and Hannah plopped it into her closet. “Thank you.”

            “You’re welcome, sweetie. Are you ready for breakfast?”

            Nat nodded. No frowns, no whining, no fighting. “What’s on the menu?”

            “I was thinking some oatmeal or cream and wheat and fruit—but not bananas. Does that sound okay?”

            Nat nodded and walked with Hannah to the kitchen. “I think I can do cream of wheat.”

            Hannah smiled and got out the box. “Raspberries okay too?”

            Nat nodded and sat in the tall chair by the counter.

            In less than ten minutes Hannah presented Nat with a bowl topped with berries and a glass of orange juice. “Would you like some brown sugar or cinnamon?”

            “Brown sugar, I guess. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this.”

            “All right,” She pushed box of brown sugar across to her and Nat looked at it.

            She fidgeted and picked up the spoon to mix it in. Some sprinkles spilled on the counter, and she nervously glanced at Hannah. She didn’t seem to notice. Nat stirred it up, mixing in the berries. It felt more intimidating now. The bowl was heavy.

            Nat held the spoon and plunged it into the bowl, taking a small bite off the end. The rest of her spoonful managed to drop onto her shirt. Nat jumped, looked at it, then looked at Hannah.

            “It’s all right, sweetheart,” Hannah said, wiping it off Nat’s shirt with a paper towel. “It’s ok if some spills, we can just clean it up, no problem.”

            Nat sighed and nodded. She took another tiny bite and looked at Hannah again.

            “Do you need some help? It’s ok if you do.”

            Nat’s cheeks colored. She looked down and nodded. “It’s easier when you do it,” she mumbled.

            “Hey now,” Hannah bumped Nat’s chin with her hand. “Don’t look so sad about it. You’re doing a great job, and I’m proud of you.” She picked up the bowl and got a spoonful with a berry on it. “Open up.”

            Nat opened her mouth and Hannah fed her.

            “That’s my girl,” Hannah tweaked Nat’s nose and she smiled, scrunching it up.

            Hannah laughed and continued to feed Natalie slowly. “We’re going to have a good day today, sweetheart. I’ve gotten you a meal plan from a dietician over the phone, and going to make some other appointments for you to sort things out.”

            “What sort of appointments?”

            “Well, you said you wanted a haircut, so we can schedule that. And…you do need to see a doctor.”

            Nat nearly choked. “Again? I just left the hospital!”

            “I know Nat…but you’re still in a very fragile state.”

            Natalie groaned and looked away, forgetting that she was planning to cooperate with everything today.

            “Come on, Nat. I’m sorry I brought it up now while you’re eating. Why don’t you just finish breakfast then you can rest for a bit, okay?”

            Everything inside Nat wanted to refuse, but she looked at the gentle hope in Hannah’s eyes. She sighed and nodded, opening her mouth.

            Hannah fed her.

            The cream of wheat was a bit lumpy, and Nat gagged a few times, but managed to hold everything down. Hannah was patient, and rubbed her hand on her back gently, offering to take a break as needed. She didn’t want her to get sick.

            Nat sipped her juice. “You didn’t have to do my laundry, by the way. I can do it myself.”

            “I’m sure you can, but I don’t want you going down the basement stairs. They’re too steep and I don’t want you to fall.”

            “I can do it,” Nat insisted, her eyebrows knitting together.

            “No,” Hannah’s voice for firm. “You can’t. You’re not to go down those stairs. Is that clear?”   

            Nat looked down and nodded. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I won’t.”

            Hannah put her hand on Natalie’s face and Nat winced slightly. But her touch was gentle, and she ran her thumb along her cheek. “Hey,” Hannah said softly. “I’m not mad at you, baby. I just need to keep you safe, and I know you have a habit of disregarding safety just because you want to do something.”

            Nat raised her eyes to look at Hannah. It’s true, she wasn’t mad. Her eyes looked just as kind as before. Natalie wanted to reach out her arms to get a hug, but she didn’t want to look pathetic, so she just leaned into Hannah’s hand and nodded. “I promise I won’t go down the stairs.”

            Hannah smiled mischievously and wiggled her pinky. “It doesn’t count without this.”

            Nat smirked and hooked her pinky around Hannah’s to shake it.

            “That’s my girl,” Hannah said and kissed Nat’s forehead. “Let’s have a little more, now.” Hannah held up a spoonful to Natalie’s mouth.

            After Natalie’s breakfast, Hannah said she needed to make some phone calls and told Natalie to hang out in her room or the living room. Nat didn’t want to leave Hannah, but the way she said “make some phone calls”, made her feel like those were meant to be private phone calls.

            Nat sat on the couch flipping through the channels. A familiar voice caught her ear. “No I don’t, want to live, on the moon.” Ernie from Sesame Street sat on a bench singing with a man Nat recognized as a celebrity, but couldn’t place who he was. Long-forgotten memories bubbled up in her mind. Sitting on her parents’ sunken gray couch, cuddling her big bird stuffie, counting or singing along with the Muppets. Sometimes her mom would even sing with her. Nat put the remote down and watched, while she heard Hannah’s voice murmur faintly in her room.

            After several different skits, Hannah came into the living room brightly. “All right, got that done!” Nat flushed with embarrassment as she reached for the remote, but Hannah already saw the TV screen. “Aw, Sesame Street!” Hannah smiled. “It’s been ages since I’ve seen that.”

            “Yeah, me too,” Nat said quickly, flipping it to another station.

            Hannah gave a subtle smile. “I made you an appointment with a doctor this afternoon and you’re going to start physical therapy tomorrow. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much all at once, so just tell me when you want to do things like cut your hair.”

            Nat’s stomach gurgled with worry. The cream of wheat was dense, and she felt like she had a rock in her belly. The idea of going to a doctor or physical therapist wasn’t something she allowed herself to think about before this. She didn’t want to be poked and prodded, asked invasive questions about her bodily functions or be manipulated into uncomfortable positions like a rubber doll.

            Hannah sat beside her and stroked her hair. “I know you’re not looking forward to it, honey. I hate doctors too. I wasn’t eager to go back to others after the hospital stay, but I had to. And I know lots things still hurt, huh?”

            Nat realized her eyes were filling up, and she nodded.

            Hannah wrapped an arm around her and Nat leaned into her shoulder. “But it’ll just be a quick visit today and one hour of PT tomorrow, okay? Baby steps. And you already got off to a great start today eating a good breakfast.” Hannah rubbed her thumb along Nat’s good shoulder.

            Words were hard, and Nat didn’t want to cry, so she just snuggled into Hannah’s embrace.

            Hannah picked up the remote. “Why don’t we put Sesame Street back on?”

            With another flush of shame Nat pushed her face into Hannah’s shoulder. “S’for babies.”

            “Sesame Street is for everyone.” Hannah kissed her temple. “We don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to, sweetie…but we can.” She paused, and Nat stayed silent. “Sure you don’t want to put it back?” Hannah whispered.

            Nat glanced briefly at Hannah’s face and fiddled with her shirt. “…we can put it back. For a little while.”

            The TV was flicked back to PBS. Of all skits, it showed Kermit and Harry Monster looking at their internal organs with an X Ray machine. The reminder of medical procedures gave Nat a rush of anxiety, so she sucked her thumb, pressing closer into Hannah. When Harry laughed and said something tickled, Hannah gently tickled Nat and made her giggle over her thumb. Hannah laughed, “I knew I could get a smile outta ya.”

            Nat stayed close, holding onto a bit of Hannah’s shirt as they watched the show to its end.

            “Time for a snack,” Hannah said softly.

            “Already?” Nat’s stomach still felt like stone.

            “Just a small one, then I need you to take a shower.”

            Nat’s body tensed and she unconsciously dug her fingers into Hannah’s arm. “Shh,” Hannah soothed. Hannah pulled away, gently removing her hands from her arm. “It’s going to be okay.” She went to the kitchen, coming back with a stick of string cheese. Hannah peeled the plastic down and handed it to Nat.

            Nat’s earlier resolve to not frown or fuss about food was waning. But she nibbled on the stick as best she could. Hannah stayed beside her, and she managed to choke it down well enough that even she was a little proud of herself.

            “Come on love, time to shower now. I want to give you enough time in there since it’s your first time alone, then it’s time for lunch and the doctor. When we get back, I want you to take a nap before Alex gets home. Then you can have a shared snack with her again and spend time with us or do your own thing. Then dinner, we can watch a movie or play a game and then bedtime.”

            Nat gaped at her. That was the strictest schedule she’d ever had in her life. And that’s when her body worked. Not to mention so much of her day seemed to focus on food.

            “Oh!” Hannah slapped her palm to her head. “And we need to do your breathing exercises! At least twice a day for fifteen minutes. We’ve not been doing them, and that’s very important to strengthen your abdominal muscles.”

            Her shoulders slumped. Somehow spending all day looking for deer in the snow suddenly seemed easy.

            “Up we go,” Hannah put an arm around her back and lifted her to her feet. “Into the shower.”

            All Nat wanted to do was hide in that cubby space in her closet. Without realizing it, she leaned her body backwards to pull away from Hannah.

            Hannah braced her back. “Don’t do that honey, you might fall down. Come on, let’s just get it over with.”

            She guided Nat to the bathroom and got her some towels and a washcloth from the linen closet. Hannah practically lifted Nat off her feet to get her into the bathroom and set the towels on the sink. “I need you to leave the door unlocked in case I have to come and help you. Do you want help undressing?”

            Nat shook her head, angry tears threatening to appear.

            “Okay, I’ll leave you to it. And after I’ll help comb your hair and we can just sit a while before we do breathing and eat lunch. You’re doing great!” Hannah squeezed her good shoulder before leaving and shutting the door.

            Now Nat was alone, in the bathroom. With that stupid fucking shower chair. It was sitting in the middle of the shower like an obscene obstruction. Like an ugly tumor on someone’s body that you could not look away from. It screamed: someone handicapped lives here. Nat sniffled and wiped her eyes. She wasn’t handicapped. And she wouldn’t be handicapped. She wouldn’t use something meant for someone whose legs didn’t work or who was old and broken. But she wanted to make Hannah proud so bad…

            Nat looked at the closed door and bit her lip. If Hannah wasn’t in the bathroom with her, how would she know if she used the shower chair or not? After all, what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. Natalie confidently walked to the shower and pulled on the chair. It was stuck, suction cups on two of its legs attached to the tub. Natalie turned the water on in the sink full blast so it made noise, and would cover the sound of her un-sticking the chair. It was a lot harder than she thought, and she almost fell over, a sharp pain shooting through her middle.

            After enough shaking, it came up with a satisfying, but loud POP. Nat anxiously looked at the door and waited to see if Hannah heard. Enough time passed that she felt she could move it. She picked it up and shoved it across the floor until it was flush against the door. Stabbing pain shot through both her shoulder and abdomen. That’s one of the things she wasn’t supposed to do—heavy lifting. But it wasn’t that heavy. That couldn’t count, right?

            With a satisfied exhale, Natalie looked at the now empty bathtub, turned on the shower, and turned off the sink. Washcloth in hand, she very carefully stepped into the tub and cascading water. Her body instantly relaxed in the warmth, and she pressed the palm of her good arm to the dry part of the tile.

            She soaked the washcloth under the shower stream and squeezed on some body wash. Her body swayed slightly but she grabbed the soap holder on the wall, steadying herself. There, this will be no problem, Nat thought. I even have a handle if I feel wobbly. Face, neck, chest, tummy, thighs, butt, lower back. This was a piece of cake. Nat knew Hannah had been ridiculously overprotective insisting she needed that chair. She couldn’t reach her back, but squeezed soapy water from the washcloth over her shoulders so it rolled down with the water. Bending over to wash her calves and feet would be painful, and even Nat could admit doing so was dangerous in the slick tub. She just squeezed soapy water onto her legs and feet.

            Nat smirked. She totally had this. Next, Nat got the shampoo and squeezed some into her hands, running it through her hair. Eyes closed, she turned her body so her hair would be under the water to rinse off. When her foot hit the porcelain, it made contact with a dollop of shampoo that dripped off her hand. Before she knew it, Natalie’s foot slipped and she went flying. Her arms flailed up, more pain going through her shoulder as she grabbed the shower curtain with both hands and held on for dear life. Gravity won and she continued to fall, hearing the rip of plastic and metal clank of the shower curtain rod detaching from the wall.

            Nat fell against the bottom of the tub and screamed in pain. Shampoo leaked into her eyes and burned. Nat gasped and breathed heavily, dazed, trying to make a thought other than pain come to life. Her body heaved forward, and vomit erupted. It came once, twice, three times. Her stomach emptied its contents and made her muscles hurt so bad she couldn’t even scream again.

            “NATALIE!” Hannah flung the door open. She paused in horror, absorbing in the sight before her. “Oh, Jesus fuck!”

            As Hannah frantically pulled the shower chair out of the bathroom and into the hall, Nat felt the situation fall on her like a hammer. Hannah’s so mad. I’m in big trouble. Nat cried weakly, eyes still red and stinging with shampoo, belly hurting with every breath.

            Hannah stood over her at the tub, panicked. She turned off the water. Natalie was cold, naked, half covered in vomit with a broken bar hanging overhead, plastic rings from the shower curtain collected on the end like an abacus.

            “Baby, this is why you have to use the chair!” Hannah knelt down by the tub, not caring about the vomit that landed on the floor. She reached into the tub and put her arms around Nat’s body. “Did you hit your head?”

            That was (luckily) one of the only things that hadn’t made contact with the hard surface. Natalie shook her head—which hurt regardless of not being bashed against the tile.

            Hannah looked absolutely panicked, eyes scanning over Nat’s body searching for injuries. “Do you think anything’s broken?”

            How would she know? Nat attempted to shrug but doing so caused enough pain to make her cry out.

            “Shh, shh, don’t move. Let me get this stupid thing out of the way and I’ll get you out.” Hannah grabbed the shower curtain pole and snapped it off the wall it was still attached it. Natalie covered her head with her fists, trembling. Hannah tossed the pole and half-attached curtain out of the bathroom and draped a towel over Nat. “It’s going to be okay baby, I’m going to get you out. This will probably hurt, and it’s okay if you cry.”

            Nat was so scared and confused. She thought that shower curtain rod was about to come down onto her head for breaking it. But Hannah just ripped it off like a cartoon superhero tearing a car in half and threw it out. Hannah reached into the tub and put one arm around Nat’s back and another under her legs. “I need you to try and move with me honey.”

            As carefully as possible, Hannah lifted Nat out of the tub and eased her into a sitting position on the toilet lid. Despite how gentle she was, Nat let out howls of pain. Hannah covered Nat’s lap with a hand towel so she didn’t feel so exposed, and slightly opened the big towel on her body. “I need to check if you’re okay Natalie. I’m going to need to take a look.”

            Nat heaved big breaths, hurting her chest, abdomen and all of her with each one.  Hannah ran her hand along Nat’s shoulders, ribs, hips, and back. “You’re not bleeding. Does anything hurt a lot more than anywhere else?”

            “My, my, my tummy hurts so bad,” Nat cried.

            “Shh, shh, easy now. I know I said it’s okay to cry, and it is, but try not to hyperventilate and make it hurt more. I know your poor tummy has had so much happen to it lately.” Hannah placed her hands along Nat’s ribs. “Does any of this hurt a lot?”

            Nat tried to breathe slower. “No, no more than everything else.”

            “Good, then you hopefully don’t have any cracked ribs. Did you land on your tailbone? Or your shoulder? Did your neck snap or anything?”

            “I don’t know,” Nat squeaked.

            “Shh, okay, okay. Ugh, God, you’re still covered in soap. Natalie, I need to give you a bath. I’m going to put the shower chair back in and you be still in it, do not fight me.”

            Nat whimpered. “I’ll be good. I’m sorry. I’ll be good.”

            “Quiet baby, quiet.” Hannah soothed, gently holding Nat’s face and inspecting it, moving it slightly from side to side. “Does any of that hurt?”

            Breathing was so hard. “Ev-everything hurts,” Nat whined.

            “Okay,” Hannah sighed heavily. She moved away from Nat and put the shower chair back in the tub, suctioning it tightly. “All right love, up we go.” Hannah gently lifted Nat into the shower chair. The toilet was so close to the tub it was an easy transition, but it still hurt. Nat hung her head and tried not to cry, re-adjusting the hand towel covering her lap.

            Hannah took the shower head off and turned the water on. Natalie shivered in the cold air, watching Hannah’s movements with her still stinging eyes.

            “Tilt your head back baby, let me rinse your hair off.”

            Nat bit her lip as she whimpered, bracing herself. Hannah turned the water back on and let it run for a few moments before holding it to Nat’s head. The water was warm, nice. She hadn’t expected Hannah to make the water comfortable, or for her to block it from running over her face. Hannah’s hand rested at the back of Nat’s head as she rinsed the rest of the shampoo out. “Shh, that’s a good girl. Just be still for me and we’ll be all done soon. And tell me if anything starts hurting real bad.”

            “My, my eyes burn,” Nat croaked.

            “What?”

            “Soap…” some tears came out of her red rimmed eyes.

            “Aw honey, you got soap in them? Put your head back again and hold your nose.”

            Nat did what she was told and Hannah held her head as she let the water run over Nat’s face, rinsing her eyes free of the shampoo.

“All better?”

            Nat nodded and rubbed her eyes with her fingers. Everything still hurt so much. She wanted to cry in pain but that would cause more pain.

            “Going to put some conditioner in your hair now,” Hannah said getting the bottle and squeezing some into her hands. She ran her hands through Natalie’s wet hair, gently and careful not to apply too much pressure or pull. “Tilt back again.”

            Nat tilted her head back as Hannah shieled her eyes and rinsed all the conditioner.

            “I’m just going to wash you off a little here,” Hannah gently wiped Nat’s face, arms where there were still trace amounts of vomit.

            “All good?” Hannah asked gently.

            “Uh huh.”

            “Okay, I’m going to get some more towels for you. DON’T move from this seat.”

            Nat nodded shamefully, head aching. She wouldn’t dare disobey now.

Nat’s teeth were chattering with cold when Hannah came back to the bathroom with a stack of towels. She put a large one on the floor, covering the spilled water and a little vomit. Hannah draped another around Natalie and wrapped her up. “Put your arms around my neck and I’m going to pick you up. You’re not walking right now.”

With hesitation, Nat reached up and clung to Hannah’s neck, feeling her lift her out of the chair. She carried her into her room, sitting her on the bed. The bed had the comforter pulled all the way down, with a towel over Nat’s pillow. Hannah rubbed a towel on Nat’s head gently to dry her hair. Natalie clutched the towel to herself tightly, shivering.

“Let’s get this on now,” Hannah put a shirt over Nat’s bad arm, and she cried. “I know baby, I know. Almost done.” It went over Nat’s head and her good arm went through it. Hannah pulled it down and it was extra-long, pooling at Natalie’s waist. “I want you to take this. It’s a pain killer. I don’t want you to take it much, but you need it.”

Hannah handed Natalie a small white pill and Nat popped it into her mouth, preparing to dry swallow, but Hannah held a glass of water to her lips to help.

“Gonna lie you down now, baby.” Hannah cradled Natalie’s back and lifted her legs onto the bed, lying her down on the pillow. Nat whimpered and whined in pain, gripping onto Hannah’s clothing. The flat sheet was pulled over Nat’s body. “Okay baby, I’m going to get you some ice packs now.”

“Noooo,” Nat cried. “Too cold.”

“I know, I know it’s cold.” Hannah pulled the comforter up to Nat’s chin. “You can stay snuggled in, but I need to ice your tummy and shoulder muscles for a little bit, and anywhere else that might hurt.”

Weak mewls and cries came out of Nat as Hannah walked out to get the ice packs. She felt so stupid, so helpless. She was handicapped now. And maybe even worse since she tried to pretend she wasn’t. Cold dread filled Nat’s chest as she remembered how bad she’d been. She disobeyed Hannah by not using the shower chair. Then she broke the fucking shower. The entire pole was broken, plaster ripped out on both sides and the shower curtains torn. To make matters worse, she undid her breakfast and snack, puking it all over herself again. All of this had to result in a consequence for Nat’s behavior. Even someone as nice as Hannah had to reach her breaking point with that rap sheet.

Hannah rushed in with her arms full of towels.

Nat’s teeth were chattering, sore throbbing in the back of her gums persisting. She closed her eyes, and felt Hannah slide something underneath her back. “Got this to help keep you warm with the ice, baby.”

The flat, crinkly thing under Nat grew increasingly warm. “What, what is that?”

“It’s a heating pad. I don’t want you to get too cold. And I don’t want you to fall asleep either baby, you stay awake with me.” Hannah brushed Nat’s hair out of her face. She pulled up the covers and placed a large gel ice pack across Nat’s abdomen.

“OW!” She screamed. “That’s too heavy! COLD! Take it off!” Nat pawed at it.

“Okay, okay,” Hannah removed it. “Let’s just leave that for now, but I’ll put one on your shoulder.”

The ice pack on her shoulder was freezing and Nat shuddered.

The guttural howl from Shauna, the sound of the soul being ripped from her body. The cold, stiff, unnaturally blue body of Jackie Taylor. Jackie Taylor, who Nat wouldn’t have missed after graduation if they hadn’t crashed. She’d have been a faint memory. Someone she may have just referenced as “the team captain” (or even “popular, rich girl,”) rather than her name. Someone whose name wasn’t important, because they wouldn’t be referenced again. Now, now that image of Jackie frozen blue in the snow, Jackie roasted red like a kalua pig, Jackie’s bones, white from being picked clean and a thin layer of snow. Those Jackies, they would exist in Natalie’s mind until she was deep in the grave.

“I don’t want to,” she cried weakly.

“Don’t want to what?” Hannah sat on the bed with her.

“Too cold. Jackie. Too cold. Don’t want to. Like Jackie.”

“Easy baby, easy,” Hannah said. “Look at me, Natalie.”

Nat continued to shiver with her eyes squeezed shut.

“Natalie.” Hannah’s voice was sharp.

It made Nat wince. She cried in a whisper. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Jackie. I’m so sorry,” her voice broke.

“Natalie!” Hannah gently shook her.

Nat snapped open her eyes and inhaled, some quick, ragged breaths exhaled out before the pain of breathing was remembered. Hannah’s face was above her, eyes filled with worry and…care.

            “It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m right here. You’re safe.” Hannah held a warm hand to Nat’s cheek, and she allowed her head to slump into it. “Don’t worry, you’re not in the cold. You’re not. You’re safe and warm in bed. You just had a bad fall, and I put some ice packs on you to make it feel better.”

            “Hannah…”

            “What, Natalie? I’m right here.”

            “Blankie…” she whined.

            Hannah’s face softened and she reached to the edge of the bed. “Here’s your blankie, sweetheart.” She pulled the blanket up to Nat’s face.

Nat gripped it tightly, her eyes opening slowly. Hannah. Hannah’s face. Room in Hannah’s house. Warm. Safe. Natalie’s breathing slowed and she became very aware of the warmth radiating from underneath her. It was almost hot now.

She felt the yarn of her blankie touching her face, and Hannah’s fingers combing through her hair. The pain was still there, mostly in her tummy and shoulder. But she was okay, she was okay.

“Thank you,” Nat whispered.

Chapter Text

Hannah gently ran her hand along Natalie’s hairline and forehead, watching her breathing. She was on the bed beside her, Nat leaning into her side and gripping her shirt. She spoke to her periodically, making sure she was awake and could respond to sights, sound and touch. Hannah silently congratulated herself for not breaking down. The sight of Nat sprawled out in that bathtub was the most intense terror she’d felt in a long time. She should have known Natalie would try to get out of using that chair after how she refused it for so long.

            “How you feeling now, sweetheart?” she asked, gently running her fingertip down Nat’s nose.

            “Tummy still hurts a lot. But other parts aren’t as bad.”  

            “I’m sure it does, baby. But luckily, we’re going to have the doctor check you out this afternoon. And we’re going to make sure nothing like that ever happens again, okay?”

            Nat whined and tugged on Hannah’s shirt. She looked at her for a long moment, but looked away when Hannah met her eyes. Hannah ran her hand along Nat’s cheek. “Is there something you want to say?”

            Nat looked back up with wet eyes. She bit her lip, trying to subtly wipe her face. “Am…” she started. “Am I…”

            “Are you what?”

            “Am I going to get a consequence now? For not using the chair? And…” she shrunk down, lowering her voice to a shaky whisper. “Breaking the shower?”

            Hannah’s chest tightened. The concept of disciplining Natalie kept coming up, and it scared her that she’d never considered it before taking her home. She didn’t think Nat would need it at her age, after the girl literally saved her life and was the leader of a dozen other people in the middle of nowhere. But dear God, Nat was acting so little. Maybe she needed more boundaries.

Hannah did her best to sound confident, self-assured, because that’s what Nat needed. “Well…you’ve shown me I can’t trust you alone in the bathroom. So, I’ll need to be with you when you shower now, until you can stand up safely.”

            Natalie nodded, cheeks bright with shame.

            “But you will still have privacy,” Hannah added quickly. “You can have the shower curtain pulled over…when it’s fixed, and I’ll just wait in there on the other side making sure you’re on the chair. And I’ll be there if you need help.”

             “Okay,” she croaked. “What else?”

            “…That’s it.”

            Nat’s eyebrow knitted together, and she looked down, then up at Hannah again. “No extra chores? I can do chores…”

            “Chores? You are absolutely in no state to do chores.”

            Nat fiddled with her blanket and whispered, “TV still allowed?”  

             “…Yes, TV is still allowed. Natalie, nothing else is going to happen because of this. No other consequences or punishments or whatever. Okay?” 

            “Okay…” Nat nodded against Hannah and softly chewed on her blanket. When she realized what she was doing, she ripped the blanket out of her mouth and put her hands over it. Before Hannah could reassure her that she didn’t care if she chewed on the blanket, Nat whined. Her hand reached up and pressed the back of her jaw under her ear, moving it up and down.

            “Does something hurt there?” Hannah paused. “Natalie…did you hit your head or face against the tub and not tell me?”

            “No!” she squeezed Hannah’s shirt tighter, nearly pinching her skin.

            “Then why do you keep futzing with your jaw there?”

            Natalie hid her face. “I didn’t lie, I promise…I didn’t lie about not hitting my head. It’s…”

            “Nat, even if you did tell a lie because you were scared, I won’t be mad. You just need to be honest now so we can take care of it.”

            “No it…it’s been bugging me.” She balled her fists over her mouth and jaw.

            “Do you have a toothache?” I knew she needed a dentist…

            Nat shook her head quickly. “I don’t…I don’t know,” she whimpered.

            “Okay, well I want to take a look. I’m going to get a flashlight.”

            Hannah had to pry Nat’s hand off her shirt before she got up and went to the kitchen.

What the hell is wrong with me? I should’ve taken her to the ER as soon as I got her out of that bath… And I can’t trust her to tell me the truth about what she’s doing. She’s probably just going to lie and tell me whatever she thinks I want to hear! God, what the fuck am I doing?

She opened the junk drawer to take out a small flashlight and leaned against the counter, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths.

It’s ok…I can do it… I survived a lot of awful shit already. I can take care of a hurt kid for a while until she’s better…

            With a quick step, Hannah walked back into Nat’s room to find her thumb plugging up her mouth.

            “All right you, let me have a look,” she held up the flashlight.

            Nat shook her head and covered her face with her blanket.

            Hannah sat on the bed and gently rubbed Nat’s arm. “Come on sweetheart, it’ll just take a minute.” She pushed the blanket aside and Nat roughly pulled it back. “Pretty please?” Hannah made an exaggerated sad face and Nat peeked at her with one eye. “I just want to see if there’s anything hurt, just a look.”

            There was still fear in Nat’s eyes as she lowered the blanket. Hannah put her hand on Nat’s wrist. “Let’s just take your thumb out for a minute, then you can have it back.” There was slight resistance, but Hannah managed to remove Nat’s hand.

            “Can you open up for me?” Hannah put pressure on Natalie’s chin, the flashlight poised for inspection.

            Natalie scrunched her shoulders down, but parted her lips. Hannah turned on the flashlight and tilted her head back. “Little more,” she pulled Nat’s chin down further.

            She inspected Nat’s mouth, and saw what looked like cavities. Unsurprising, considering the conditions she lived in for so long. “When’s the last time you saw a dentist, honey?”

            Nat’s eyes filled and she shook her head.

            “Don’t want to tell me?”

            A tear slid down Nat’s cheek and she wiped it away. “No…”

            “Please?”

            “Nooo,” Nat whined, turning her head.

            Hannah sighed. “Okay, I won’t make you tell me. But it does look like you may have some cavities. Is that’s what’s hurting? Your teeth?”

            Nat shook her head and hugged her blanket. “No. In the back.”

            “In the back? Okay…open for me once more, really wide so I can see what’s going on.”

             Natalie tensed for a moment but opened her mouth, and Hannah shined in the flashlight. She found sharp tips of new teeth erupting from Nat’s gums. She almost smiled. “Ohhh, I see the problem.”

            “What?” Natalie looked alarmed.

            “You’re teething!”

            “What?!”

            Hannah chuckled. “You’re cutting teeth. Your wisdom teeth are coming in.”

            Natalie hugged her blanket and frowned grumpily. “I don’t like it.”

            Hannah put her hand to Nat’s cheek and kissed her forehead. “No, I didn’t either. It’s really uncomfortable. That’s why teething babies cry so much!”

            Nat grunted and hid her face again. “Not a baby…” she mumbled.

            Hannah exhaled a tired sigh and patted Nat’s arm. “I wasn’t calling you one, sweetheart.”

            An alarm on Hannah’s watch beeped and Nat stiffened, looking at it with concern. Anxiety overtook Hannah’s body, more than Nat, as she knew what the alarm was for. Nat’s eyes stayed on her, unblinking.

            Hannah brushed a strand of Nat’s hair. “It’s time for lunch,” she said heavily.

            Nat whimpered and a tear slid down her cheek.

            “I’m going to make your lunch, and I’ll use things that won’t hurt to chew, okay?”

            Natalie fussed more and hid her face, one piece of her blanket slowly finding its way into her mouth.

            In the kitchen, Hannah slapped together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and cut it into quarters. She pulled a pack of applesauce, pudding and some milk from the fridge. Without thinking, she poured the milk into one of Alex’s kiddie cups whose squiggly handle doubled as the straw. Hannah looked at it for a moment, debating if she should switch it out for a proper glass. Natalie acted like such a little girl though…maybe she would like it? And her hands were so shaky and weak it would be easier for her to drink. Hannah screwed on the lid.

            With some napkins, the food was placed on a lap tray and brought into Nat’s room.

            An oblong lump in the comforter greeted Hannah as she walked in the door, and she placed the tray on Nat’s nightstand. She touched what she assumed was Nat’s foot and shook it. “Come on, blanket monster. I know you had a rough morning, but you did a perfect job eating your breakfast and snack today. You just need to do that again. And I’ll feed you every bite if you want me to.”

            “Doesn’t matter!” The blanket lump vibrated with resentmen.

            “It does matter, Natalie. It matters you did a good job eating and it matters that you eat so you get well.”

            “No!” her voice broke. “Doesn’t matter ‘cause I just throw it up anyway.”

            Hannah inhaled sharply and squeezed her eyes shut.

Right. She vomited again. So, it was like she hadn’t eaten at all…

Worry flooded Hannah’s mind, and she sat on the bed, not to be close to Nat, but because she needed to sit. The springs in the mattress bounced slightly. She bowed her head and breathed slowly. It’s going to be okay... I’m going to feed her now and she’s going to be okay. She’ll gain weight. She’ll eat for me, she’s got to be hungry.

One more deep breath and a long look at the fidgety lump later, Hannah stood up and put her best happy face on.

            “Okay, looks like we’ve run out of moping time, and the clock says lunchtime now. And I think you’ll like it. PB&J, applesauce and pudding. And I brought you a fun cup of milk too.” 

            Nat groaned and gave a kick from under the covers.

            “Come onnnn, you can do it. And it’ll make me really happy if you eat lunch.”  

            Nat peeked out of the comforter with cranky eyes. “What kind of pudding?”

            Natalie clung to Hannah’s arm as the elevator doors closed. Her oversized hoodie hung over her head, blocking most of her face. Hannah kept an arm around her, soothing, encouraging, and praising with every breath.

            The elevator doors opened, and Hannah did her best to get Nat’s feet moving. When they entered the doctor’s suite, Natalie stopped. Hannah’s stomach rolled with dread and embarrassment as she put her arm around Nat’s back and started to do a half-carry-half-drag she’d been doing a lot lately.

            The few people in the waiting room watched with confusion, the receptionist frozen and slack-jawed.

God, what the fuck is wrong with people? Don’t they know not to stare?! Hannah cleared her throat and held Nat against her. “Natalie Scatorccio here for a one o’clock appointment.”

“I know!” the receptionist said, a little too eagerly. “We’ve been expecting you! And…” She paused, softening and putting a hand over her heart. “I just have to say Natalie, that I so admire the courage and strength you had to have to survive that crash, and YOU!” She pointed at Hannah. “You were there too, right? The scientist who-”

“THANK YOU!” Hannah yelled, unsure of what else to say to shut this bitch up without frightening Natalie. “But we are here for Natalie’s appointment. Should we sit down, or can we go directly into a room?” She swayed Nat gently with her hand on her back as the receptionist looked like she’d been struck.

“Uh, yeah, you have to sit down here,” she pulled her eyes away and grabbed a stack of papers, her voice now thick with offense. “She needs to fill all these out first.” The receptionist clipped a thick stack of paper into a clipboard and slapped it on the counter, eyeing Natalie.

“Thank you,” Hannah gave a threatening smile as she picked up the clipboard and led Nat to the chairs.

            As if things weren’t difficult enough, now Hannah had to ask Natalie a host of questions about her medical history. Hannah went through the paperwork, silently writing the answers to any she already knew. Natalie was mostly just shaking her head or nodding as she tried to avoid the stares and whispers of everyone in the room. The nosy receptionist was talking in a low voice to a nurse, very clearly about Nat and Hannah. Rage coursed through Hannah at those women for daring to make Nat feel even worse. She wanted to stop them from looking at her by any means necessary. Blind them. Stab them through the eye… She held Nat tightly and glared, but shook her head, ridding herself of the sickening sound of a knife entering human flesh.

No…can’t think like that. Can’t think about that… Hannah shuddered and praised Natalie to snap herself out of it. How could she have forgotten they were one of the biggest local news stories? They’d done their best to avoid cameras post-rescue, but they’d plastered Nat’s school photos and Hannah’s from the university everywhere. 

            Hannah got back to the task at hand and realized it was a good thing she was learning more about Natalie’s medical history. Apparently, Nat was born in Monmouth Medical Center. She had a family a history of diabetes and emphysema on her mother’s side, and colon cancer on her father’s. She’d never had any surgeries or hospital stays before the crash. She broke an arm at five. Had chicken pox at eight. Received a concussion at twelve. Sprained her ankle at fourteen. And she wasn’t allergic to anything other than ragweed and pollen.

            Just as Hannah managed to get Nat to sign her name on all the forms, they were finally called to a room. The receptionist’s voice was short and clipped, clearly contaminated by the bitchy receptionist.

            “Come on love,” Hannah patted Natalie who was squeezing her arm and pressing her face into her shoulder. “We’ll get it over with quick.”

            Begrudgingly, Natalie followed, and they walked into the exam room. The nurse’s smile was tight as Hannah did her best to gently remove Nat’s hoodie.

            “Please remove your shoes and step on the scale,” the nurse said.

            Hannah bent down to untie Nat’s shoes could slip her feet out. She braced her arm around Nat’s back so she could step on the scale and kept her hands hovering in case she slipped.

            “Eighty-seven pounds,” the nurse did a poor job of hiding how horrified she was.

            Hannah swallowed her own horror as Nat hobbled off and wrapped her arms around her again.

She lost weight…Shit, she lost weight…

            The nurse said she needed to check Nat’s other vitals, and Hannah gently lifted her onto the exam table. As the nurse took the blood pressure cuff off the wall and held it up to Natalie’s arm she paused. “I think I need to go get a smaller one...” She rummaged through a drawer and found a smaller cuff, attaching it to the machine and Natalie’s upper arm.

Nat squeezed Hannah’s hand tight and let out little cries as it tightened. Hannah rubbed her back and shushed her. “Alllmost done, baby.”

“135 over 90…” the nurse mumbled, the cuff hissing with release.

She held a thermometer out, but Nat’s face was still pressed against Hannah.

“I need to take your temperature,” the nurse waved the thermometer.

“Come on, sweetheart,” Hannah pulled away so Nat’s mouth was visible.

The thermometer came towards Nat’s face and she pulled away, whining.

The nurse groaned. “I need to take your temperature. It’ll just take a few seconds.”

“Let me do it, she’ll to it for me,” Hannah put her hand out.

The nurse straightened her back. “I’m sorry, but that’s against policy.”

Hannah tilted her head and started at her with exhausted frustration. Really, who the fuck cares? “Natalie, you’ve gotta open up for her. Like she said, just a few seconds.”

Nat sniffed and looked at Hannah with tears pooling in her eyes. She turned her head and opened her mouth. The nurse wasted no time to slipped the thermometer in.

When it emitted a beep, the nurse announced, “96.3.”

Nat looked worriedly at Hannah.

“All right,” the nurse said. “The doctor will be in shortly.”

The door closed with a slam, making Nat jump. “That temperature is really low. And, and I lost weight. Was that a normal blood pressure? I don’t remember what a normal one is.”

Hannah cleared her throat. “It’s uh, it’s a little high, honey.”

“Is that bad? They won’t put me back in the hospital, will they?”

Nausea climbed to the back of Hannah’s throat. “I don’t know…”

“I don’t want to go back in the hospital!” Nat trembled, voice rising. “I want to stay home with you. Please don’t let them put me back in the hospital. I promise I’ll be good, and I’ll eat and try not to throw up and I’ll use the shower chair, and I’ll do what you say, I will.”

Hannah squeezed her eyes shut as she rocked Nat. “Shh, sweetheart, no one’s putting you back in the hospital. We haven’t even seen the doctor yet. I’m going to keep taking care of you, okay?”

“Okay,” she choked. “You, you won’t let them take me away?”

“Of course not, you’re staying right here with me.” Hannah instantly regretted her statement, even as Natalie’s body relaxed against her with a deep sigh of relief, thumb slipping into her mouth. Hannah hummed “You are My Sunshine” and rubbed Nat’s back. Then the doctor came in, Nat whipped her thumb away and held on tighter.

His hair was mostly gray with some remaining flecks of dark blonde, thinning in the front. Wire rimmed glasses sat perched on his Roman nose and there were some old acne scars on his cheeks. “Hello,” he said loudly. “I’m Dr. Riggs.” The doctor looked pointedly at Natalie, waiting for her to greet him, but she stayed hidden in Hannah’s arms. “…You must be Natalie.”

Nat nodded slowly.

He looked at her with curiosity and mild offense.

“Nat’s just a little scared today,” Hannah said, protectively putting a hand on the back of Nat’s head. “She’s been through a lot lately, especially medically.”

“Yes, right. Understandable,” he said in a very not-understanding tone. “But she’ll need to detach herself from you so I can examine her. And who are you, again? Her…sister?”

“No, I’m…” Hannah paused. What am I? “Her guardian.”

“Legally? She’s eighteen, has she been declared incompetent?”

“No,” aggravation grew in Hannah’s voice. “But I…take care of her. She’s hurt and she’s still a kid.”

            The doctor shrugged. “Suit yourself. I’ll write you down as a caretaker. But she is definitively, not a kid. In a legal sense. So, you may want to rethink using that term.”

            Nat watched Hannah’s face, looking back and forth between her and the doctor.

            “Let’s get to it,” he set his clipboard on the counter with a clatter. “Natalie, I need you to lie down so I can examine your surgical incision and gunshot wounds. Then I need you to answer some questions.”  

            Hannah attempted to ease Nat’s body down onto the exam table, but she refused.

            Dr. Riggs sighed with impatience. “If you don’t let go of your friend she’ll have to leave the exam room. Please, lie down so I can proceed.”

             Natalie gasped and looked at Hannah. A few tears fell down her cheeks and she tried to rub them away, but she leaned backwards. Hannah helped ease her down until she was fully lying on the table.

            “I’m right here,” Hannah whispered, holding her hand and moving aside so the doctor could approach.

            Dr. Riggs pulled Nat’s shirt up and she whimpered. Hannah watched her chew on the end of her sleeve. The sight of Natalie’s deeply scarred abdomen made Hannah want to scream. She saw flashes of Shauna looking down the barrel of her gun, Nat lying motionless in her arms, the sound of her own screams and the helicopter landing…

The doctor moved his gloved hand around the bullet wound and applied a little pressure to Nat’s stomach. She cried out in pain and tried to roll over, but Hannah kept her still.

            “Sorry about that, I guess I don’t need to ask about continuing pain and tenderness.”

            Hannah glared at him while soothing Nat.

            “What are these bruises from?” Dr. Riggs put his finger on a red tinted bruise on Nat’s side.

            Nat hid her face against Hannah’s arm and clung.

            “Nat took a bit of a spill in the shower this morning.” Hannah did her best to hold Natalie gently as she felt her crying into her side.

            “What?” the doctor sounded genuinely alarmed. “In her condition a fall could be extremely serious. I think we need some X-rays to be safe. I’ll need to find the soonest appointment in radiology.”

            Nat’s breathing quickened, so Hannah pet her hair. “It’s okay honey, X-rays don’t hurt.”

            Dr. Riggs backed up and emitted a soft click of his tongue. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name, Miss…?”

            “Finch. Ms. Finch,” Hannah said sharply.  

            “Yes, Ms. Finch. You are making this exam extremely difficult for me to work with this patient. I need her to talk for herself. And I’m deeply concerned about the fact she’s now lost three pounds since being in your care. And fallen in the shower. What is she eating? How much is she eating? Is she vomiting? Having normal bowel movements?”

            Natalie’s cries became audible. “Hannah,” she whined. “Hannah!” gripping her tighter.

            “Shh, don’t worry baby, I’m not leaving you.” Hannah kept a hand on Nat’s cheek and inhaled an angry breath, looking at the doctor. “I’m not leaving her. She’s terrified, she’s traumatized. She needs me.”

            “She needs to eat, Ms. Finch. She needs better care. If she’s in this terrible a mental state perhaps a psychiatric ward would be in her best interest. And with her physical condition, I would like to see her on an NG tube again until she can put on and retain more weight. Because whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working.”

            “No, no, no,” Natalie whimpered, wrapping herself around Hannah like a baby monkey. “No, no, Hannah, noooo,” she begged.

            Hannah scrambled to control Natalie so she didn’t hurt herself or knock them over in the process.

            Dr. Riggs opened the door and called out. “Can I get a sedative for my patient in here! Along with a nasogastric tube and feed bag.”

            “Hannahhhhhh!” Natalie sobbed into her neck. “Noooo!”

            Hannah held Natalie tightly, putting a hand over her exposed ear. “STOP!” she screamed at the doctor. “You’re terrifying her! She’s a scared kid whose been through hell. Haven’t you ever heard of a bedside manner?!”

            Dr. Riggs stared at Hannah with emotionless eyes. “I’m taking care of my patient’s needs. Whether you like it or not, she needs drastically increased caloric intake along with more suitable mental health care. The hospital in Alberta sent notes about her being a difficult patient and that seems to be the case. This is my professional opinion.”

“No, no tube. Don’t let them,” Natalie whined and pulled on Hannah’s shirt.

            “Isn’t there anything else we can do besides the nasal tube? She really hates it.”

            A knock came at the door and it cracked open. “Doctor, I’ve got the sedation and feed supplies here. Are you ready?”

            Natalie caught sight of the nasal tube and feed bag and started screaming. She thrashed momentarily and then howled in pain.

            “STOP! Can’t you see how much you’re scaring her?! She’s going to hurt herself!”

            “Ms. Finch, please step aside so we can deal with this. We need to give her some sedation and a feed.”

            Natalie trembled and wiggled and cried. Hannah became painfully aware that Nat was physically eighteen years old as she tried to wrestle her without hurting any of the many sore spots on her body.

            “Sometimes it’s not easy, Ms. Finch, please just let us do our job.”

            “I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I don’t want it,” Nat cried against her.

            Everything in Hannah screamed GET OUT.

            “No! We’re not doing this now!”

            “Ms. Finch you-”

            “NO! I’m, I’m going to find another doctor.”

            With that, Hannah used her remaining strength to hoist Nat up as far as she could, bracing her arm under her bottom, and stormed out of the office.

             The stares and increasingly muffled shouts of the medical staff blurred into the background as Hannah got into the elevator. Nat’s weight became too much and she gently settled her onto her feet. But Nat didn’t let go, sobbing and clinging just as much.

            “You won’t, you won’t let them get me?”

            “Shh, no baby. I’m going to take care of you. No one’s taking you away from me. I’m never taking you back there. Ever, ever. I’m going to find you a different doctor that’s better, okay?”

            Nat whined and sniffed.  

            When they got back to the car Hannah had to sing and rock Nat for a good while in the back seat before she settled enough to drive. They stopped by the pharmacy on the way home to grab a case of Ensure, Hannah feeling a sense of overwhelming dread. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing…

Chapter Text

June 1985

            It had been raining all day. It was the first Monday since Kindergarten ended, and looked exactly how Natty felt. The other kids seemed so happy school was ending, but Natty was sad. She missed it. Her teacher was nice, she read them stories, let them play games and spoke in a soft voice. She told Natty she was smart and gave her stickers when she colored pictures inside the lines or wrote her name neatly. There was always something to do at school. At home, stuck inside, Natty was bored and restless.

            She decided she would make her own school. She set up her toys in front of her—Strawberry Shortcake, Big Bird, an old doll called Jenny, and a teddy bear named Wally.

            “A, B, C, D, E, F, G,” Natty sang to her toys. She continued the song to its completion, and held up a piece of paper and wrote with a green crayon. “Now we write our names! N, A, T, A, L, I, E, Natty!” she said proudly, showing her class. Her brow furrowed. Their names weren’t Natty. She had to teach her class their names, but she didn’t know how.

            “Be right back class! Don’t leave your desks!” She ran down the hall, paper and crayon in hand.

            Daddy was sitting in front of the TV sipping a beer, a baseball game blaring through the house. “Aw, come on! Can’t you hit anything?!” he threw his hand in the air.

            “Daddy, how do you spell Big Bird?”

            He ignored her.

            “Daddy,” she said louder.

            “Huh?” he looked at her, placing an empty beer can on the TV tray with several others.

            “How do you spell Big Bird?”

            “What?” He looked at the paper and made a shooing motion with his hand. “Not now Natty, Daddy’s watching the game. It’s important.”

            Natty’s shoulders sank with disappointment, and she went to her parents’ room to find her mother lying on the bed with a magazine in one hand and half-filled liquor glass in another. A half-smoked cigarette sat smoking in the ashtray on her nightstand.

            “Mommy?” Natty asked softly. “Can I come in?”

            Vera lifted her eyes from the magazine. “Yeah, what is it?”

            Natty padded over and held up the paper.

            “You wrote your name,” Vera nodded. “That’s good. You’ll learn to write more next year.”

            Natty shyly smiled. “How do you spell Big Bird?”

            “What?” Mommy chuckled, taking a sip from her glass.

            “Teaching…how to spell names. How do you spell Big Bird? And Strawberry Shortcake?”

            “Mmm,” Vera nodded, inhaling her cigarette. “You playing school?”

            Natty nodded.

            “All right,” Vera took the paper and crayon, carefully writing out the names in capital letters.

            “And Jenny and Wally too?” Natty asked, watching.

            Vera pointed to each of the four names, saying which was which.   

            “Wow, Strawberry Shortcake’s name’s really long,” Natty looked at it with wide eyes.

             “Yeah,” Mommy leaned back on the pillow, grinning as she inhaled. “She might need some extra help after school.”

            Natty nodded seriously.

            “There you go,” Vera handed the paper and crayon back.

“Thank youuuuu!” Natty darted back to her room.

“Everyone pay attention!” she announced to her class as she began her lesson.

Big Bird, Jenny and Wally, took to it easily, but Strawberry Shortcake struggled.

“Keep trying,” Natty patted her doll reassuringly. “Remember, practice makes perfect!”

Strawberry Shortcake was scared she might get in trouble if she couldn’t spell her name like everyone else, so Natty gave her a hug. She promised not to tell her mommy or daddy. It wasn’t fair her name was longer than everyone else’s.

The writing lesson got boring quick, and Strawberry Shortcake was upset. Natty thought of something else they could do.

Her eyes lit up. “Music class!” she announced.

Natty stood up and held two toys in each arm. “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes! She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes!” Natty marched into the hall, running and singing into the living room and around the couch. “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain, comin’ round the mountain, coming round the mountain WHEN SHE COMES!”

“NATALIE!” her father’s voice boomed. Natty froze in place, squeezing her toys tightly. “SHUT IT! I told you I’m watching the game! Get out of here and be quiet!” he pointed towards her room.

Natty nodded quickly. “Sorry, Daddy,” she said softly, running off to her room.

She hugged her toys again. “Music class over…” They were all disappointed, but Strawberry Shortcake was more upset than the others. She cried and Natty held her face to her chest. “Shhh!” she whispered. “Daddy might hear.”

As quietly as possible, Natalie rummaged through her closet to see if she had anything else to play with.

A small soccer ball rolled out, and she picked it up, smiling at her class. “Gym now!”

She kicked the ball around her room, but there was so little floor space it wasn’t much fun. Natty grumbled with frustration and looked at the rain splattering against her window. Why did it have to be raining?

Daddy said to be quiet, not that she couldn’t play. She could have gym class quietly… Natty opened her door and watched Daddy. “YES! Fucking FINALLY!” he cheered, shaking his fist in the air victoriously.

He was in a better mood now. And Natty would be quiet. It was okay.

Natty fully opened the door and put her ball down. She kicked it lightly down the hall and trotted after it. The ball stopped halfway down, and she turned, kicking it back towards her room. It went over the threshold. “Goal!” she cheered to her little class.

She hopped into her room and kicked the ball again, chasing after it a little faster this time. It went further down the hall before Natty turned around to kick it back. She did so harder this time, and it went all the way into her room. “YES!” She held her fist up in the air. “We’re winning!”

Natalie turned and kicked the ball harder back down the hall, becoming more excited with each stride. Without meaning to, she kicked it a second time, sending it sailing into the living room. It took out the TV tray, sending a half-empty coffee mug, a full ash tray, and four empty beer cans crashing to the floor. The handle on the coffee mug broke off, and some of the leftover coffee splashed onto the couch.

‘What the FUCK?! NATALIE!”

Natty gasped. She turned and ran back towards her room, ready to dive under the bed.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?! Get over here right now!” The sound of Daddy’s belt being unbuckled made Natty cry. Just as the leather zipped through the denim belt loops, his arm wrapped around Natalie’s middle and lifted her up like she was nothing.

Tears spilled down Natty’s face and she whimpered out desperate apologies.

Marco sneered. “Don’t give me the damn crocodile tears, now! I told you to go to your room and be quiet! Look what you did!” He held her close to the mess on the floor.

Natty’s stomach was pressed into Daddy’s knee as he bent her over and the belt came down on the back of her legs. She had nothing to cover her mouth with so her cries were loud, much louder than they would normally be.

“You better quit the complaining!” he yelled. “You’re going to get spanked until you stop being a bad girl and listen to me!”

Natalie tried hard to be quiet, but it hurt so much. Pain radiated though her body and she struggled to take a breath.

“Marc, that’s enough!” Vera appeared beside him.

“I’ll decide when it’s enough!” he whipped Natty again.

“Marc, please!” Vera’s voice shook, tugging on his arm. “She’s just a little kid! She’s gotten enough!”

“Yeah, she’s just a little kid. A little kid who takes just after her stupid mother. Doing nothing but causing me grief!”

“Marc, STOP!” Vera reached for Natty and tried to pull her out of his grasp.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

Marco released Natty onto the floor and shoved his wife against the wall. His hand arched back to slap her sharply across the face and she shrieked. Her nose instantly started bleeding. Natty knelt on the floor, trembling with fear and pain. The tears kept coming, but the sound was shocked out of her.

“You really want to keep this going? HUH?” he shoved Vera’s shoulder. “Now go clean up the mess your little kid just made! So I can finally WATCH MY FUCKING GAME!” He grabbed the back of Vera’s neck and shoved her towards the overturned TV tray and its spilled contents. “And don’t get that blood all over everything too!” He walked into the kitchen to get another beer.

Natty stood up, willing her tears to stop. They were finally listening. Mommy was holding her face with one hand and trying to clean up the mess with the other. Natty slipped into the bathroom, pulled off a long string of toilet paper and gathered it up in her arms. She rushed back to the living room, wincing with every step.

“Mommy…nose,” she squeaked, holding the toilet paper up.

Vera grunted weakly and grabbed the toilet paper, pressing it to her face. Her bloodied hand held it close and she tipped her head back. “Thank you, Natty,” she said in a muffled whisper. “Can you go get some more?”

Natty nodded and went back to the bathroom, pulling all the toilet paper off the roll. When she went back into the hall Daddy was sitting on the couch again. Natty paused, a physical reminder of his anger raw and smarting on her body. But she saw Mommy on the floor, still trying to get her nose to stop bleeding. She moved her other hand, trying to brush the cigarette ashes together with the beer cans and broken mug.

With a slow step, Natty walked towards her mother and held out the tissues. She looked at her and nodded silently. Vera continued to struggle and Natty picked up the beer cans. “I help,” she whispered.

            Natalie tiptoed to the kitchen to throw out the cans and put them in the trash as quietly as possible. She walked back to check on Mommy, who still held blood-soaked toilet paper to her face.

            “Mommy okay?” she squeaked.

            “Natty, go to your room,” Daddy answered before Mommy could.

            Her body froze. She couldn’t run, it hurt too much, and she was scared and worried about Mommy. She didn’t want to leave her in case Daddy hit her again and she needed more help.

            “Natty, I said GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Marc got up and grabbed her arm. He dragged her halfway down the hallway and lifted her up. Natty’s body twisted when her feet left the floor, but her arm stayed firmly in her father’s grasp. She was tossed towards her room and felt something crack, sending excruciating pain through her arm as she landed on the floor.

            Natty screamed. Not cried, not sobbed, she screamed. She’d never felt anything this intense before. She didn’t have words for it. She couldn’t cry, she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t move.

            “Oh my God, Natalie!” Vera scrambled past her husband to where her daughter lay on the floor.

            “She’s just being dramatic!” Marco shouted. “If she keeps it up I’ll-”

            “NO YOU WON’T!” Vera shouted.

            Marc stood there, momentarily speechless.

            “Natty, can you move?” she asked, hovering her hands over her daughter.

            “What did you fuckin’ say to me?” Marco slurred. “You stupid bitch, you-”

            “Marc, I’ll call the police! I swear to God I will!” Vera scooped Natty up gingerly, and she screamed again. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” She held Natty close and looked up at her husband, daring him.

            “You don’t have the balls,” he spat at her, but turned around. He took another drink from his beer can and drained it, pelting it towards the two of them. It hit the wall with an impotent clank. “I’m going to Nicky’s to watch the game! I won’t get any of this goddamn aggravation at his place!”

            Marc stormed out of the trailer, walking through the rain.

            It felt like they’d been in the car forever. Rain splattered on the windshield and the wipers squeakily swished back and forth. Every turn, stop, and bump made Natty whimper or cry. The pain in her arm was still intense, intolerable, impossible to ignore.

            “Are we almost there?” Natty asked weakly.

            “Yeah, just a few more minutes. We’ll get there,” Vera told her.

            “Why’s the doctor so far away? It’s never been this far away before.”

            “It’s, it’s because it’s summer now. The normal one is closed for vacation.”

            “Oh.” Natty rested her head against the door of the car and sucked her thumb. She wanted her blankie, but hadn’t thought to bring it with her. All she could think of was how much her arm hurt.

            The car finally approached an enormous building, red-orange brick with white on top, covered in windows. The parking lot was huge, even bigger than the mall. Vera pulled in and parked the car, turning around to look at her daughter.

            Her expression was grim, serious. Natty didn’t like it.

            “I need to say something before we go in. It’s very, very important. Got it?”

            Natty nodded.

            “Whatever you do, you cannot tell them Daddy did that to your arm. Or that he hit me. Or spanked you with the belt.”

            Natty nodded, she’d heard this before. “Won’t get Daddy in trouble,” she agreed.

            “It’s not just getting Daddy in trouble. If you tell the doctors what really happened, we’ll all get in trouble.”

            Panic made Natty’s chest go tight. “We will?”

            “Yes. If you tell them Daddy hurt your arm, or that he made my nose bleed, or that you get spanked when you don’t listen, we’ll all get in trouble. They’ll put me and Daddy in jail. And they’ll take you away and make you live with strangers. You’ll never see us again.”   

            “I don’t want to go away!”

            “Good,” some relief came over Vera’s expression. “I don’t either. I don’t want them to take you away. We are going to tell them that you fell down the stairs, and that’s how your arm got hurt. You fell down a big staircase and landed on your arm, and it got hurt. Then I took you here to the hospital. No mention of Daddy at all.”

            Natty nodded. “And they won’t take me away?”

            Vera shook her head. “Not if you stick to that story. Tell me now, what happened to your arm?”

            “Fell…fell down the stairs.”

            Vera smiled. “Good girl. And if they ask if anyone hurt you, what do you say?”

            “Uh, no?”

            Vera nodded again. “That’s right. And if you don’t know what to say, just be quiet and I’ll answer.”

            Natty nodded again.

            “Okay…let me just check my make-up and I’ll take you in for them to fix your arm.”

            Natty sat snuggled in Mommy’s lap in the medical cubical with a curtain around it. It didn’t look like any doctor’s office she’d been in before. It was big, with so many sick people, nurses and doctors running all over. It had lots of strange, big machines that made various beeps, boops and sirens. There weren’t any toys or books to play with. There were other children crying, fussing, and coughing. Natty could hear their mommies shushing them, trying to calm them or make it better. She wondered if any of them had a hurt arm. Or if they might get taken away if they said the wrong thing.

            Everything was taking so long. Natty was hungry and sleepy.

            “Mommy, can I have dinner?”

            “I’ll get you some McDonald’s after the doctor sees you.”  

            Natty’s face lit up. McDonald’s? “Can I play in the balls too?”

            Mommy looked at her like she grew an extra head. “What, are you nuts?! Not with that arm!”

            Natty pouted and sank back into Mommy’s embrace. Now she wasn’t allowed to play at all? This was really bad. She couldn’t help the tears that leaked out of her eyes before she could wipe them away.

            “Shh, it’s okay,” Vera rocked her. “They’re going to fix you up.”

            It had been a while since Mommy last comforted Natty when she cried, and didn’t scold or smack her for it instead. This was the longest she’d cuddled her in a long time too. And the impending McDonald’s. At least there were some good things about this day.

            “Hi pumpkin,” a nurse said brightly, walking into the room. “I’m Gloria, what’s your name?”

            Natty buried her face in Mommy’s chest. This might be one of the people who could take her away. And she had dark skin. Daddy always said those people were bad. There were some nice kids who looked like that at school, but they were just kids. Maybe just the grown ups were bad.

            “Aw, it’s ok. I’m sure Mommy can tell me what’s going on so we can help you.”

            Vera put her hand on her daughter’s temple and rocked her. “This is Natty. She fell down the stairs. Landed on her arm. I think it might be broken. Pretty sure she got some other bumps and bruises too.”

            “We’re going to take her for an x-ray now, it’s just down the hall.” Gloria beckoned and Vera got up, following her with Natalie in her arms. The movement of walking down the hallway was jiggling Natty’s arms and made her whimper.

            They arrived at a door and Gloria stopped. “You have to come in with me, and Mommy will wait just outside here, okay Natty?”

            That’s it, she was taking her away. The panic rose into Natty’s chest again and she cried loudly, clutching Mommy’s shirt and pushing herself into her. She got so scared she moved her injured arm and ended up howling.

            “Can’t I just come in with her?” Vera asked, frustration rising in her voice.

            “No. I’m sorry ,but it’s not safe to have anyone else in the room. I’m just going to set her up then go on the other side too.” Gloria looked at Natty. “It’ll be okay pumpkin, you can see Mommy the whole time through a window.”

            Natty sniffled as Mommy put her on her feet, and the nurse took her good hand. She had bright pink nails, and two rings on her fingers. They were pretty.

            “I’ll be right here, Natty,” Vera reassured her as Gloria took her into the x-ray room.

            “I need you to put your arm out on this,” Gloria pointed to a strange, white table under a big machine. It was scary. “This machine is going to take a picture of your insides. It will help show us what’s wrong with your arm so we can heal it. You need to put your arm here and be very still while it takes some pictures. Can you do that?”

            Natty wanted to cry and run back to Mommy, but she didn’t want to get taken away. She had to be good for this lady. “Uh huh.”

            “Okay, I’m just going to roll your sleeve up.” Gloria gingerly took the end of Natalie’s shirt sleeve and rolled it up to her shoulder. Natty winced.

            Gloria paused, looking at Natty’s arm. “How did this happen? Right here?” she pointed to some fresh bruises where Daddy had grabbed her arm.

            Natty started breathing harder. Mommy never told her what to say about that. She hadn’t even known it was there. Her eyes looked at her own arm, still throbbing with pain, and then back up at Gloria. Her face was round, and she had pink lipstick on that matched her nails.

            “Hey,” Gloria lowered her voice and knelt closer to Natty’s eye level. “You don’t have to be scared. You’re safe with me. Tell me, did someone grab your arm and hurt it?”

            Natty shook her head wildly. “No! No! Fell, fell down the stairs…”

            Gloria sighed and her smile faltered. “Okay. But if someone did hurt you, you can tell me.”

            “I fell down the stairs,” Natty said, more confidently this time.

            “All right then. Let’s take a picture of the inside your arm now.”

            A dull ache of hunger caused Natty’s tummy to grumble. Mommy was holding her again, and a man in a white coat brushed the curtain aside to come into their cubicle. Natty clutched onto Mommy tighter.

            “Hello, I’m Dr. Talbot. You must be Natalie,” he smiled at her. “Gloria tells me you’ve been such a brave little girl today.”

            Natty peeked her eye open at the doctor. Gloria gave her a nice sticker with a dinosaur on it for being brave. And an orange lollipop. It was confusing having so many grown-ups praise her and give her gifts when she was crying and not doing as she was told right away.

            “She’s a little shy,” Vera added, once the silence became great.

            The doctor nodded with another smile. He put a shiny black paper onto a white board that lit up. “This is your arm, Natalie. See here?” he pointed.

            Natty looked at it curiously. It didn’t look like a picture of an arm. “Bones…” she said softly.

            “That’s right! You’re a smart girl. These are the bones inside your arm—and fingers.” He gestured to different parts of the picture. Natty could kind of see it.

            The doctor cleared his throat. “Well, Mrs. Scatorccio. Natalie has sustained a spiral facture of the ulna—or forearm.”

            “Does that mean it’s broken?” Vera asked, voice rising high.

            “Yes, it does. Natalie will need to be fitted for a cast, and it will need to stay on for four to eight weeks. It depends on how she heals.”

            “Okay…Is that all?”

            “I just have one other question.” Dr. Talbot rubbed the back of his neck. “How is it you said Natalie was injured?”

            “She fell down the stairs.”

            “Ah,” he nodded. “See, the thing is—remember how I said this was a spiral fracture?”

            Vera’s body went stuff. Natty could feel her heart beating faster, so held onto her as tightly as she could. “…Yes. Why?”

            “Spiral means turning, rotating. In order for a spiral fracture to happen, the bone must be turned by something. Until it breaks.”

            “What are you saying?” Vera’s voice was nervous, cracking. Natty felt Mommy’s heart beating like a drum beneath her ear. She gently ran her hand over her hair to make her feel better.

            Dr. Talbot sat on a stool with wheels and slid close to Natty and her mother. “Mrs. Scatorccio,” he whispered with kind eyes, hands folding in front of him. “It means that for Natalie’s arm to have a spiral fracture, something, or someone, had to have hold of her arm. Twisting it until the bone broke.”

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” her voice shook. Natty worried Mommy might cry. She hated it when Mommy cried, and she didn’t know what would happen if a man other than Daddy saw her do it.

            Dr. Talbot sighed and his shoulders sank slightly. “It looks like you’ve got a few red marks on your face. How did they get there?”

            “Whuh? I-you’re being very rude! I’m here because my daughter fell down the stairs and you’re pointing out my, my damn sunburn!”        

            “Ma’am, are you in danger? Is your child in danger? We can help you. We have a social worker here who knows of a great place that helps-”

            “We’re NOT in danger!” Vera yelled, voice increasingly aggressive the more confident she got. “Natty, she, she fell down the stairs. Her wrist, her arm got stuck in the banister.”

            The doctor’s mouth closed, and he huffed out a breath from his nose. “Stuck in the banister?”

            “Yes. Now I would like you to put a cast on my child’s arm so I can take her home and feed her dinner. I can hear her stomach growling.” She glared at the doctor, and held Natty tighter. It made Natty feel safe, knowing Mommy wasn’t going to let him take her without a fight.

            Dr. Talbot’s mouth was a thin line as he quietly regarded Vera. “All right,” he slapped his knees before getting up. “Someone will be in shortly to fit a cast for Natalie.” He looked at Natty directly, with the same kind eyes. “And you can choose any color you want.”

            Natty chose green.

Chapter Text

“Come on, honey,” Hannah said, gently helping Nat out of the car. “You need a good rest now.”

            Nat couldn’t bring herself to respond. She felt completely chewed up and spit out. She just allowed Hannah to guide her like a zombie, a doll, a toddler learning to walk. They got into the house and Nat stopped.

            “Need to…bathroom,” she stammered out.

            “Okay,” Hannah walked in with her, and Nat looked nervously at the broken bits of drywall and paint on the floor, gaping holes in the walls from where the curtain rod was ripped out.

            “Don’t worry about it,” Hannah said, as if reading her mind. “I don’t care about it, and I’ll get it fixed.”

            Nat couldn’t respond and just leaned against her.

            “Do you…need help?”

            There was barely any dignity to hold into anymore, and Nat stopped caring. It was so hard to move. It hurt. She was so tired. She held onto Hannah and nodded.

            With her typical gentleness, Hannah helped Nat use the bathroom and didn’t make her feel nearly as ashamed as she could have. She just helped her, like it was normal and not pathetic or gross.

After Hannah helped Nat wash her hands, she took Nat into her room and set her on the bed. Nat sat there limply as Hannah removed her hoodie, not bothering to move in cooperation or resistance.

            “I’m going to get you some water.”

            “Okay,” Nat agreed, grabbing her blankie to rub on her face.

            Hannah was back quickly, with water in another cup like the funny one with the straw handle from lunch. She held it out to Nat. Nat leaned forward and took a long sip before letting out a satisfied exhale. Hannah smiled and put the cup on the nightstand. “I’ll leave the cup here if you want some more, and you can call if you need me.”

            “Where you going?” Nat’s voice rose with anxiety.

            “I’m not going anywhere; I’m staying home with you.”

            “But, but you said that I can call if I need you.” Nat squeezed her blanket tightly.

            “I just meant…I was going to let you nap so…”

            “Please stay with me,” Nat’s eyes filled up. “I’ll be good. Please.”

            Hannah’s face softened and she put her hand to Nat’s cheek. “Aw baby, did you want me to hold you some more?”

            Nat nodded slowly and tried to hide her face with her blanket, cheeks burning.

            Hannah looked around the room for a moment. “Um, well, let’s go in my room instead. There’s more space for the two of us and you can take a nap there.”

            Nat looked at her wide-eyed. “In your room?”

            “Yeah. I promise it’s not too much of a mess!” She smiled and helped Nat up, grabbing the cup with her other hand.

            Nat leaned on Hannah as she helped her to her room. She’d seen it briefly from the doorway, but that was all. There was a bed, nightstand and dresser, but most of it was books. The walls were lined with bookshelves, some two rows deep, with some shelves horizontally stacked and others vertically to maximize the space. There was a large desk with a personal computer, tape recorder, several notebooks, and an excessive amount of pens. It felt more like being in a library than a bedroom.

            Hannah sat Natalie on one side of the bed, and sat on the other, stretching out her arm. “Come on sweetheart.”

            Nat immediately scooched into Hannah’s embrace. She exhaled as she felt one of Hannah’s hands on her back and the other on her head. It was safe now. Hannah holding her always made it safe. It protected Natalie from the mean doctor and nurse. They wanted to stick a tube into her again. Just like the team did to Coach. All Nat think was the sound of his struggling, gagging, vomiting. The over-eager, clinical, grating voice of Misty. Shauna’s shouts, sharp with cruelty and impatience. Echoes of curses and animalistic grunts, devoid of humanity. And Nat just stood there. She let it happen. Useless. She was the leader, and she allowed Ben to be tortured. Ben. Possibly the only adult who ever truly cared about her. And then she fucking murdered him. Natalie shuddered. Maybe she did deserve to get that tube again. And anything else anyone wanted to do to her.

            A gasp crept into Nat’s chest, and she let out a little cry.

            “Shh, it’s all right now.” Hannah rubbed her hand along Nat’s back. “You’re safe now. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’m so sorry I brought you to that doctor. I didn’t know he would treat you like that.”

            Nat whimpered and sucked her thumb, burrowing into Hannah and running a finger along her shirt collar.

            “I’m right here, baby. You just relax and go to sleep.” Hannah stroked her hair, and Nat closed her eyes. She felt herself sinking, and tried to focus on the sound of Hannah’s voice, and the protection of her arms. Her ears filled with the sound of Hannah singing to her, making her relax even more.

            The last thought in Nat’s mind as she drifted off was that Hannah was letting her sleep in her bed, just like she did with Alex.

            Hannah was exhausted. She lay in bed with Natalie snuggled against her, breathing slowly, saliva pooling under her thumb against Hannah’s shirt. She looked so small.

            The muscles in Hannah’s body were taut and sore. Nat certainly looked small in her arms, but she hadn’t felt small earlier--when she was pushing, tugging at her clothes, or trembling with a death grip hold around Hannah while she carried her out of the office.

It was then that Hannah realized she spent most of the day with Natalie clinging to her. She’d always been an affectionate person, especially with kids, but this was a lot.

            She wanted to sleep, but her mind was too wound up. Plus, she needed to keep an eye on the time for when Alex got home, call someone fix the shower, cook and feed the girls dinner and…Shit, she hadn’t fed Natalie again when they got home.

Natalie moaned softly and squirmed in her arms. Hannah’s body was aching, still tight with stress. She needed rest too. Carefully, Hannah slipped her arms away from Nat and placed her head on a pillow. She pulled the comforter over her and brushed the hair out of her face. When Nat didn’t stir, Hannah let out a sigh of relief. She kissed her on the forehead and left the room.

            Hannah walked to the living room and took a deep breath as she collapsed into the couch. She stretched out and rested her head on the arm. She tried to remember a meditation technique she’d learned in college, but couldn’t pull it to the surface. She almost prayed, but let out a derisive chuckle at her own hypocritical desperation before she could start.

Nat needed help. Fast. She lost three pounds in less than a week. If she lost more Hannah knew she would have to be hospitalized again, or she would die. She would die. Hannah wanted to vomit.

She’d chosen this Dr. Riggs because he supposedly had a lot of experience with post-laparotomy care, which Nat needed the most help with. But now she was willing to settle for anyone with a medical license who would make Nat comfortable. But how could she do that? How could she know another doctor wouldn’t be just as cold or unfeeling? What could she even do to gauge that? Ask each doctor if they’ve ever dealt with a medically complex, emotionally traumatized teenager? Hannah would need to bring Nat to a hospital…she’d probably have to be tube-fed again. God, Nat was going to hate her. She would feel so scared, so betrayed. And Hannah would have to leave her there. Natalie panicked when she wasn’t in the same room as Hannah now. How would she cope with being separated? Would that traumatize her more? Make her sicker?

Hannah’s breath caught. She let herself cry. This was so terrifying, overwhelming, with the heavy weight of failure. Hannah felt even worse than she did holding Nat’s limp, bleeding body in the Wilderness. At least out there Nat almost dying had been Shauna’s doing. Now, Nat might die because Hannah couldn’t take care of her. It felt like being smothered by guilt.

No, no, I can’t. Hannah pulled herself together and wiped her face. She couldn’t let this happen. There had to be a doctor out there who could help Nat. The kind of person who actually developed a relationship with their patient. Maybe someone Hannah already knew?

Hannah’s doctor was nothing to phone home about. He was never unkind, but very brisk, in and out. Hannah wasn’t sure he would be patient enough for Natalie. Short of her gynecologist, Hannah never visited any other doctors more than once. Alex’s pediatrician was a nice woman, but would it raise questions that she was taking an 18-year-old to a pediatrician? Would they even accept her as a patient?

Hannah sat up and the thought suddenly occurred to her. She knew a doctor! She knew a doctor who was a nice person! Not that she’d spoken to her in years, but what did that matter now?

She got up to get the cordless phone and saw the answering machine blinking a red “8”. Hannah rolled her eyes and picked up the receiver, dialing her parents’ number.

            “Hello?”

            “Hi Mom,” Hannah started. “I was calling to ask-”

            “Where have you been?” she interrupted.

            “What?”

            “I’ve called several times! And I did last night too but no one picked up. Are you all right?"

            "Oh... Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry I didn’t get your messages. I’ve just been really busy with Natalie.”

            Hannah’s mother gave a sympathetic tsk, “The poor dear. How is she? Alex told me she was horribly sick before church yesterday. We both prayed for her. Is she all right?”

            Hannah sighed, and had to keep herself from crying again. “I don’t know… I took her to the doctor today to get checked out and she’s lost weight. But the doctor, he was so cold to her. She was scared and wanted me to hold her while the doctor checked her out, and she started crying and just…it was a disaster. I walked out with her.”

            Her mother’s voice was firm, but worried. “What are you going to do?”

            “That’s why I’m calling…I need to find her another doctor. Someone I can trust. Michelle Boland…from next door. She’s a doctor, right?”

            “Yes, but she’s a pediatrician.”

            “I don’t care,” Hannah said quickly. “Natalie is still young. And Michelle was always good to me.”

            The warmth was audible in her mother’s voice. “She was. It has been too long since we’ve all seen each other. I haven’t even seen Edie and Harold in a few years since they moved to Florida.”

            “Do you have her phone number? Or know where she’s working?” Hannah wasn’t in the mood to reminisce or get updates on the Bolands, she just needed this number.

            “Let me check the phone book. If I don’t have it, I’ll call Edie. But do you really think it’s a good idea? And if Natalie is this sick maybe she needs-”

            “Mom, please,” Hannah’s voice shook. “Just give me Michelle’s number if you have it.”

            There was a pause. Before she was lost, Hannah’s mother probably would have scolded her for being rude. She shouldn’t cut her off, shouldn’t try to shut her up, especially when she was giving advice. But she just stopped, and found the requested phone number.

            Hannah thanked her mother, told her she loved her, and she would let her know what happened.

            She took a few moments to look at the number she’d scratched onto a pocket notepad. Michelle Boland. They’d not seen each other in years, and now she was calling her out of the blue, asking her to help with a crisis. Hannah hated feeling like she was just contacting her because she needed something. To be that kind of person.

            But then she thought of Michelle as she remembered her. How her nickname became “Chelle”, because Hannah couldn’t yet pronounce “Mi-chelle”. The way she always strapped two party hats on her head at neighborhood birthday parties to look like ears. That Hannah wished she was her big sister rather than her actual sister Jenny. How Chelle encouraged Hannah’s quirks and questions, when everyone else, (especially Jenny) told her to stop being weird.

            As she thought about it, Hannah realized she forgot how close she’d been to Michelle. Strange. How people are an important daily factor in life, and then they just…stop being there. Hannah was only eleven when Chelle went off to college, and their relationship dwindled to neighborhood barbecues in the summer and holiday parties in the winter. By the time Hannah was in high school, she only saw Michelle three or four times a year. After that, she became a phone call on birthdays and name on a Christmas card. More of a memory of a person frozen in time than who they actually are.  

            She bit her lip, realizing something. This…wasn’t just finding a doctor for Natalie now. This was reconnecting with someone who was once close to her and knew her family. Someone who would ask a lot of questions. Someone who might know what questions to ask. And moreover, someone who would learn just how unwell Natalie was. She would discover that Hannah had taken in a severely traumatized young adult who acted more like a needy toddler with every passing hour. It felt exposing, risky, and a uncomfortable. But this could be Nat’s best chance. Or only chance. She could deal with any personal humiliation, and skirt around any topics that might reveal anything too…revealing about their time in the Wilderness.

            Hannah took a deep breath and dialed the number.

            The machine picked up, and Hannah was almost grateful.

            “Hi, it’s Hannah Finch…from High Street. I know it’s been a while, but my mom gave me your number because I just have uh, an issue I wanted to talk you about. It’s…it’s a long story, so I’ll explain it to you when you’re able to call back. Hope you’re doing well! Bye.”

            Hannah hung up, then closed her eyes with a groan. She re-dialed Michelle’s number and waited until the machine picked up again.

            “Sorry I…forgot to leave my number. Please call me back at 555-3754. …This is Hannah!”

            Click.

            Hannah put her hand up to her face, feeling the warmth of embarrassment on her cheek.

            She shook her head and got up to find the phone book to call someone to fix the bathroom.

            Nat woke up to the sound of a loud muffler passing house. She groaned, opening her eyes. The ever-present aches and pains came rushing back with her consciousness and she whimpered. She reached her hand out across the bed, wanting Hannah to comfort her. But all Nat felt was an empty bed, the sheet cool beneath her hand.

            Natalie looked at the other side of the bed and Hannah wasn’t there. Worry started in her tummy and she croaked out, “Hannah?”

            There was no answer, and Nat scrambled into a sitting position faster than she should have. Hannah wasn’t at the desk or anywhere in the room. She must have left while Nat was sleeping.

            Panic overwhelmed Nat like a riptide pulling her under water, and she couldn’t stop herself from crying. Hannah left her. Where did she go? Was she coming back? Was she mad? Was she going to send her away now? “Hannah!” she yelled pitifully through her tears. “Hannah!”

            The door flung open, and Hannah was there, rushing to Nat’s side. Her relief was so strong that she forgot to be self-conscious as she reached both of her arms out to Hannah.

            “Natalie, what’s the matter?” Hannah asked, wrapping her up in a hug. “Does something hurt?”

            Shame burned in Nat’s face and the back of her neck. She was being a whiny baby, and now she had to admit it. She sniffled, “You left.”

            “What?”

            “You left, you weren’t here,” Nat pushed herself into Hannah and had to stop herself from nibbling on Hannah’s shirt.

            “Oh sweetie,” Hannah said gently, rubbing her back. “I just got up before so I could get some other things done while you napped. I was still I the house. I’m not just going to leave without telling you.”

            “You promise?” Nat squeaked, wiping her nose.

            “I promise,” Hannah kissed her head and wrapped a pinky around Nat’s.

            The tightness in Nat’s chest released and she felt safe again. Hannah was here. Hannah would make it better. She rested her head against Hannah’s collarbone and sucked her thumb, but Hannah pulled away gently. Nat let out an involuntary whine and reached for her again.

            “Hey, hey,” Hannah said, taking Nat’s hands in hers. “We can’t just sit and cuddle now. I’ll give you lots of cuddles at bedtime, but Alex is home from school, and I need to start dinner soon. And you need to eat something now.”

            Natalie rubbed her eye with a balled-up fist and sniffled, shaking her head. She wanted to be picked up again. She wanted Hannah to pet her hair and sing to her. She didn’t want to eat. Eating hurt.

            “Come on sweetheart, just the drinks I got you at the store.” Hannah pulled Nat to her feet. She felt wobbly and leaned against Hannah so hard it made Hannah lose her footing. “Whoa there,” she steadied the two of them.

            “I don’t feel good,” Nat leaned on Hannah, barely picking up her feet.

            Hannah touched Nat’s forehead for a few moments. “I’m not surprised. You’ve had a very rough day.”

            Natalie groaned as Hannah walked her down the hall to the living room where Alex was stretched out on the couch, holding a Gameboy over her head.   

            “Oh, hi Natalie. How are you feeling?”

            “Like crap,” she replied

            “Uh, I’m sorry.” Alex looked at Hannah uncertainly, and sat up, making room for Nat. Hannah helped her sit down and Nat gave her a cranky pout. She wanted to stay with her. She wanted to be held. She didn’t want to be with Alex.  

            “Do you want the cup with the squiggly handle again?” Hannah asked tickling her cheek. Nat continued to frown at her but nodded. “Okay, I’ll go get it.”

            “Do you want to watch TV?” Alex asked carefully.

            Nat shrugged. “We can.”

            Alex turned on the TV and there was a popsicle stick with googly eyes on the screen, telling the audience that Rugrats was coming up next. She couldn’t help but chuckle. “What the hell is that?”

            “It’s Stick Stickly! Haven’t you ever seen him on Nick before?”

            “No. I never had cable, so I couldn’t watch Nickelodeon unless I was at a friend’s house.”

            “Oh,” Alex turned away for a moment as the tinkling tune of Rugrats started. “Are you okay with this show? We can watch something cooler if you want.”

            Hannah came back to the kitchen with the squiggly kiddie cup full of Ensure. “Here you go, sweetheart,” she handed it to Natalie.

            Alex watched with an arched eyebrow as Nat took the cup. She looked from her mother to Nat, but stayed silent.

            “Just take a sip,” Hannah coaxed. “This will take place of your snack, okay? And I’ll make you pastina for dinner.”

            Natalie nodded and looked at her cup, feeling Alex’s eyes on her. She didn’t like the way Alex was looking at her. Like a stupid baby. She noticed Alex had a glass, a proper glass of something sitting on the side table. Nat scrunched her shoulders and covered the cup with both hands. She took a tentative sip. It wasn’t bad, kind of like a melted vanilla milkshake with a bit of a strange aftertaste.  

            “Um, you never said if you’re okay watching this,” Alex said.

            “We can watch Rugrats,” Nat answered softly. “If that’s what you like.”

            Alex smiled. “Great! Rugrats is my favorite cartoon. But I really like Doug too. And Hey Arnold is really good. Do you have a favorite show? It doesn’t have to be on Nickelodeon.”

            Nat thought for a moment as she sipped her drink. “It’s been a long time since I watched much TV but…I really liked My So-Called Life. When I was your age, I liked Saved by the Bell, and Punky Brewster.”

             “Ooh, I like Saved by the Bell! It’s usually on in the mornings when I eat breakfast.”

            Natalie nodded, drinking steadily from her cup. She kind of liked it now.

            Nat kept working on her drink, and watched the show with Alex. She took one last sip and the rest of the Ensure gurgled in the straw. It was empty, but Nat liked having it in her mouth. The Grandpa on TV said something funny and she giggled, teeth hitting the plastic straw. She mindlessly chewed on it, first tiny squeaks, and then a loud crunch.

            “Hey!” Alex stared at her with shock. “Are you chewing my cup?!”

            Natalie ripped the straw out of her mouth and tried to cover it, but Alex saw the crushed and jagged end of the straw. Her mouth fell open with a gasp. “You ruined it!”

            Nat’s lip quivered. “M’Sorry. Sorry. Didn’t mean it. I’ll get you new one.”

            Alex started saying something else, but Nat couldn’t process the meaning of the words. She just knew they felt mad. Mad at Nat. Alex would definitely tattle on her. Nat would get in trouble. She didn’t want to be punished. Despite that fear, Nat still wanted Hannah. She wanted Hannah to stop Alex being mad. She wanted Hannah to hold her. She cried. “Hann-ahhhh!” Her breathing got harder, and it made her tummy hurt. She gasped and cried in pain, putting a hand to her stomach.

            “Natalie, Natalie!” Hannah rushed over, taking her in her arms. “Alex, what happened?”

            “I don’t know! She just started crying! And it was after she chewed up my cup. Look what she did to it!”

            Nat wrapped her arms around Hannah’s neck and cried. She was scared, she was confused, she wanted to be held.

            “Alex, did you say something to make her cry?”

            “No! I…I just told her she…ruined the cup.”

            Nat cried harder and tried to will Hannah to pick her up. She didn’t, but she rocked her.

            “Seriously, Alex? You suddenly care so much about this cup you’ve not touched since third grade?”

            “That doesn’t mean I’m okay with her chewing it up!”

            “Are you kidding me? Really? Go to your room, Alex. Don’t you have homework anyway?”

Hannah sounded mad, it scared Nat. Her body tensed up, muscles in her tummy and shoulder hurting. 

“I did it on the bus…”

“Alex,” Hannah said through her teeth. “Go. To. Your. Room.”

All Nat felt from them was anger. It scared her so much she cried until she was shaking. Her tummy cramped, and she got a yucky taste in her mouth. And…she vomited, the entire drink spilling from her stomach. It got all over the carpet, on her, and on Hannah.

Nat retched a few more times, and hung in Hannah’s arms limply. She was too scared to let go or hold on tighter. She could barely make sense of what was happening, but she knew vomiting was bad. It meant more bad things could happen. She cried weakly.

“Oh God, baby,” Hannah lifted her up and half carried her to the bathroom. She sat her down on the toilet in a way that felt like déjà vu. “I’ll clean you up, honey, it’s all right.”

Fear and worry remained, but Hannah wasn’t mad anymore. She sounded like she usually did. Kind. Gentle. Safe.

“Shh, here we go.” Natalie felt Hannah hold up her head, which was feeling especially heavy. Warm, wet terrycloth wiped across her face. She felt it clean away the sick. And it just felt…nice.

Nat sleepily looked at Hannah, who gave her a reassuring smile. “You’re okay, sweetheart. I’ll help you change clothes, and you can rest in bed until dinner.”

She whimpered, and Hannah kissed the top of her head.

Nat couldn’t make much sense of what else was said. She just knew Hannah was being nice again. She changed her clothes for her, helped Nat to her room, and put her in bed. Hannah made sure Nat had her blankie. She hummed softly and ran her fingers along Nat’s hairline. Nat sucked her thumb and ran her other hand back and forth across Hannah’s arm, craving the skin contact.

“Shh,” Hannah soothed. “You go back to sleep for a little and I’ll come feed you dinner.”

Nat nuzzled her face into her blankie, and she watched Hannah’s face until her eyelids felt so heavy that she disappeared.

Chapter Text

            Hannah tried to breathe easily and organize her thoughts. It was hard. It was nearly 5pm and she hadn’t even defrosted the chicken cutlets for Alex. And Natalie looked worse, so much worse. Maybe she should take her to the hospital…

            She went into her room and flopped on the bed, wrapping her arms around a pillow. She was so tired. Hannah closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing, blocking out the thoughts of Natalie being sick, Alex being annoyed, so much not being done…and the various horror that kept trying to force its way into her thoughts.

            The phone rang, shocking Hannah into a sitting position, heart beating out of her chest. I must’ve drifted off… The phone rang again, but Hannah was too spent to bother answering. The machine picked up.

            “Hey Hannah, it’s Michelle. I’m so glad to hear from you! Are you oh-”

            Hannah scrambled for the phone and picked it up. “Michelle!”

            “HANNAH! My God, how are you doing? Are you okay? I was so worried when I heard what happened, and I feel like a total jerk never calling when you came home. I called your mom and dad when they were still looking, but I’m so sorry I didn’t call again. How are you?”

            Anxiety and embarrassment took the wind out Hannah’s lungs. “I…it’s a lot.”

            “I’m sure it is! Did you…need to talk about it? Is that why you called? I’ve got no plans; I can stay on the phone all night if you need to.”

            Hannah’s chest felt warm, and a little sad. Her anxiety faded as she realized this was the same Michelle she always knew. “No Chelle,” Hannah said shyly, quietly. “I didn’t want to talk about what happened out there. Let’s just say it was fucking horrible, and I never want to go camping ever again.” 

Michelle cracked up. Her voice sounded the same, the pronounced New England accent, her breathy laugh. “I can see why! But, you said you had an issue you wanted to talk to me about. What is it?”

 “It…sort of has to do with my being lost but, probably not what you think. What did you hear?”

“When I spoke to your mom, she said you went on some expedition or something for frogs in Canada. But they lost contact with you for a few months. Then they found you in January along with that bunch of kids in the plane crash a few years ago. How long have you been home?”

“Uh, technically the first time I came home in February.”

“The first time?”

“Yeah. I went back to Canada, to the hospital…for Natalie. That’s actually who I’m calling about.”         

“Who’s Natalie?”

“She’s one of the girls who…found me out there. She was actually the leader of the girls. She climbed a mountain to call for help. Natalie’s the reason we were all saved. But she was in really terrible shape, starving, and got shot…by mistake, during the chaos of the rescue. It’s kind of a miracle she survived.”

“Wow,” Michelle paused. “So wait, you went back for her? To visit her or…?”

Hannah bit her lip and leaned back in her computer chair. “No, I uh, I took her home with me.”

“You took her home with you? Why? Where are her parents?”

Hannah squeezed her eyes shut. Why did people always act like this was such a crazy thing? “They um, well, her father’s dead. And her mother is…in no condition to take care of her. She doesn’t seem to have any other family. I owe this kid my life, and we got really close out there. She literally had no one to pick her up from the hospital.”

 “Okay...” Michelle paused, the silence feeling heavier with every moment. “I feel like there’s more to this than you’re telling me.”

Hannah picked up a pen from her nightstand and twirled it in her fingers. “Kind of.”

“I’m listening,” Michelle reassured her.

“I…need a doctor for Nat. She’s not doing well. She’s lost a few pounds since I brought her home on Saturday, and she’s struggling to eat. She’s vomited almost every day and she’s just really struggling. I took her to a doctor today, but it was a nightmare. She’s…gotten really clingy. She’s so traumatized and the doctor and nurse and even receptionist were total assholes to her. They kept scaring her and she started crying and screaming. She was so upset I took her home. I really need help…she needs a doctor. I was wondering if you could help? Would you check her out? She’s going to need a lot of care, she had a laparotomy. And just…she’s a mess.”

“A laparotomy? Why? And how old is she?”

“Um, because she was shot. She was shot in the shoulder and abdomen. The laparotomy was to get the bullet out. Exploratory I think.”

“Shit, that is a major surgery, especially if she was so weak to start with. How old is she?”

Hannah cringed. “She’s eighteen. But…she’s been acting really immature. And she’s so scared, like a little kid.” 

 “That’s pretty normal for a kid that experienced extreme trauma like I’m sure she did. Regressive behaviors they grew out of popping up again.”

Unexpected hope leapt into Hannah’s chest. “Do you have experience with kids like that? Traumatized ones?”

“Yeah, I do. I worked for a few years in a family crisis center. Saw a lot of horrible shit.”

The clouds lifted. “That’s amazing. I think you might be the answer to my prayers.”

Michelle chuckled. “Your prayers, huh?”

Hannah groaned and rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Chelle.”

That only made her laugh more. “Was going to ask if this experience made you find God. Your mom would be over the moon.”

Hannah laughed. Not a nervous or embarrassed titter, but she truly laughed. “Yeah, I’m sure she’d think it was worth it then!” She let out a heavy sigh. “It feels so good to talk to you. Really, it does. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in…weeks. Maybe more.”

Michelle’s voice softened. “I’m glad I can be there for you.”

“Thank you. So, you’ll see Natalie?”

“Yeah, definitely. I can give you the office number and call tomorrow to make an appointment.”

“Can you see her tomorrow?” Hannah asked, a little too eagerly.

“Tomorrow? Uh, I can check my schedule when I get in but does it need to be that soon?”

“Yeah, it does. I’m really worried about her. Please? I’ll even pay you extra.”

“Oh my God, Hannah, stop. Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll carve out some time for her. Let me figure it out and I’ll call you back with an appointment.”

“One other thing,” Hannah cut in. “Please don’t let anyone there know who she is.”

“What do you mean?”

Hannah groaned. “At the doctor today, the receptionist was acting all star-struck seeing us because she heard about us on the news. Poor Nat got all upset, and she was crying into my shoulder.”

“Aww, that poor baby. That’s so unethical. I’ll make sure nothing is said and I can discuss it with my boss to see if we can have her patient file under an assumed name if the press is sniffing around.”

Hannah put a hand to her chest, feeling even more relief. “Yes, please. I’d really appreciate that.”

“I can call you in the morning and tell you when to bring her in.”

“Thank you, Michelle. Seriously, thank you. You’re a lifesaver. I care about this kid so much, and I’m scared of her getting worse.”

“I’ll make sure she’s taken care of. Don’t worry, you just take care of yourself too.”

Hannah smirked. “I’ll try, I guess.” She glanced at the clock on her desk, realizing she’d slept for over two hours. A sense of dread dropped in her stomach. “Hey, I’ve got to make dinner. But thank you, so, so, so much. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait to see you either,” Michelle smiled. “Or meet Natalie.”

            “Alex, dinner!” Hannah called, bringing their TV dinners to the table.

            A door opened and Alex sauntered out at a leisurely pace. “Surprised you’re yelling,” she muttered.

            “What?” Hannah sat at the table.

            “Surprised you’re yelling for me,” Alex poked at her food with a fork and then looked at Hannah with narrowed eyes. “You might upset Natalie while she’s resting.”

             The words felt like a physical blow. Alex always had a way to cut her down to the bone with her words. Ever since this kid could talk she could always see right through people, through bullshit, hypocrisy. Especially Hannah’s.

            With a guilty clear of her throat, Hannah looked at her plate. “I’m sorry, Alex.” She looked up and in her daughter’s eye. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I really am.”

            Alex shrugged before taking a resentful bite of her food. “It’s whatever, I don’t care,” she looked up, eyes glistening with guilt. “I did make her cry. And throw up... I shouldn’t have yelled at her. She’s sick, and she had a really bad day. And she’s teething her wisdom teeth, so she must want to chew on things.”

            Hannah’s head shot up. “What? How did you know that her wisdom teeth were coming in?”

            “She told me. Before. When I went to check on her.” Alex took a bite of chicken nugget.

            “You went to check on her?” Hannah held her fork in mid-air.

            “Yeah,” Alex chewed and nodded. “You were sleeping, and I thought I should make sure she was ok. She woke up kinda scared when I went in, but I said I was sorry about the cup. Then I gave her some Pedialyte and water and crackers. She didn’t really want to talk…and it felt really awkward with me just standing there. I left, but said I’d come check on her again since you were asleep.”

            Hannah gaped at her daughter. “You know you’re like…the best kid in the whole world, right?”

            Alex smirked. “Of course I do.” She couldn’t repress the smile that spread across her face.

            “I love you, gooseberry. I’d give you the world if I could.”

            Alex perked up. “I’m glad you said that! Because I wanted to talk again about the snake I wanted for my birthday...”

            Hannah snorted. “Alexandra, I’m still not getting you a boa constrictor.”

            “Hey, I wanted to show you something,” Hannah said, coming into Nat’s room at bedtime.

            Nat didn’t respond, but looked at the orange and yellow swirled photo album in her hand.

            “Scoot over and I’ll show you.” Hannah sat on the bed against the wall and held out her arm. Natalie hesitated for a moment before snuggling into her side. “These are some pictures from when I was a kid. I wanted to show you.” Hannah flapped open the cover.

            Nat’s eyebrows furrowed and she swiveled her eyes to look at her curiously. This was…random.

            “That’s me, and my sister Jenny,” Hannah pointed to a toddler and kid of about four or five.

            “Which is you?”

            “The younger one.”

            Nat nodded, still unsure why Hannah suddenly felt the need to share childhood photos.

            She flipped to another page. “This is Michelle,” she pointed to a photo of an older girl was pushing baby Hannah in a milk crate across the floor, in a seoncd, she was hugging Hannah tight, an expression of giggles on her little face. In a third, Michelle was standing by three baby swings with Jenny, Hannah and another little girl sitting in them.

            Nat nodded. “I like the swings.”

            Hannah smiled and stroked Natalie’s hair. “She used to come to the park with my mom or her mom and push all three of us on the swings, running back and forth. The other one is her sister, Kristen.”

            Another nod from Nat. “That’s nice…”

            “Am I boring you?” Hannah smirked.

            “No! No…we can look at the pictures. But...why are you showing me this?”

            Hannah held Natalie a little tighter,. It hurt, but she didn’t let her know that. “You’re going to meet Michelle tomorrow. I wanted to tell you a little about her.”

            The look on Hannah’s face made Nat’s tummy gurgle with worry. “Why?”

            “I just spoke her and she’s going to help you. Us.” She smiled in a way that was meant to be reassuring, but it made Nat’s heart rate pick up.

            “How’s she going to help?”

            “Well, Michelle is a really good friend who I trust and she’s…she’s a doctor. I’m going to have her help you, and I know she’ll be nice to you. Not like the other doctor today. I’ll pinky promise she’ll treat you well!” She stuck her pinky out.

            Nat’s breathing increased and her lungs, tummy and chest hurt all at once. She shook her head. Doctors were scary. She didn’t want to go again. It would hurt. It would feel yucky. They’d be mean to her.

            “Shh, it’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay. I won’t let ANYONE hurt you. Like today, right? I took you home when they upset you.” Hannah tried to cuddle her, but she whimpered and wiggled away.

            “Don’t wanna see doctor,” Nat whined.

            Hannah gently pulled Natalie into her lap. This time she didn’t resist, and Hannah grabbed Nat’s blanket. “Easy, sweetheart.” Natalie grabbed the blanket and held it tight, sucking her thumb. “I know you’re scared, but I need to take you to a doctor. Please just give her a chance?”

            Nat moaned and turned her face into Hannah’s shoulder.

            “I’m sorry you’re scared but I have to take you to doctors to get better, honey. I promise I really won’t let anyone hurt you.”

            Natalie’s eye peeked over her blanket suspiciously. “No one?”

            “No one. Not any doctor, not Michelle, no one.” Hannah ran a finger down Nat’s cheek.

            Nat sighed heavily over her thumb and nuzzled against Hannah. Without looking, she put the pinky on her other hand out to her, and shook it.

            The cold of the air made Nat’s lungs seize momentarily, like falling into frozen water and being unable to move. A puff of steam came out of her mouth, and she tried not to cough and make sound. The hoots, howls and hollers in the distance sent a deeper chill down her spine. She thought of a story they’d read in freshman year. A Dangerous Game, or something, about a crazy rich guy who hunted people unfortunate enough to get lost on his island. This is how he felt, she thought with panic. This terror, this overwhelming fear for your life. Nat had been afraid for her life before. During the plane crash, that really bad acid trip on Christmas vacation last year, hell, most of the past year… But this was different.

            Nat pressed herself against the tree as she heard them gaining on her, bark scratching the back of her scalp, a thick knot in the tree pressing into her back. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying to gods, the universe, the fucking batshit Wilderness, to not let them catch her.

            Her feet felt stuck to the ground. They might as well be frozen there. Stupid, busted up converse without socks. It was a miracle she’d not already gotten frostbite.

            The feral cries of her former-teammates grew fainter. Nat’s breathing slowed, and she peeked around the tree. It might be clear now. Nothing but the echo of the wind, a fragile branch bending, waiting to crack in the breeze.  

            Natalie moved around the tree, stepping lightly in the snow to avoid the crunch of her shoe breaking through the icy crust. Her eyes darted around like a doe’s ears trying to locate the sound of the wolf. There was nothing.

            Out of nowhere, Shauna appeared in front of her, knife in hand. “Where do you think you’re going?” she asked slowly. “You pulled the queen. And it’s time for dinner...”

            There was a flash of light off Shauna’s blade that shined into Nat’s eyes as she lifted it to her throat. Natalie couldn’t help the tears that poured down her face. She wanted to go home. She wanted her mommy. She wanted her daddy. She whined and begged. “Please Shauna, don’t. Please don’t.”

            “Don’t worry, I’ll make it quick,” she flashed a toothy grin.  

            Nat screamed as the knife sliced through her throat, blood gushing from her jugular. Shauna’s dead looked down at her in perverse pleasure.

            Nat screamed again, crying and grasping at her bloody neck.

            “Natalie! Honey, honey, it’s okay!” a voice shouted.

            Eyes sticky with yuck opened to see Hannah above her.  

            Nat flung her arms around Hannah and held on. She was with Hannah. She wasn’t in the Wilderness. Shauna didn’t catch her. It was Hannah. She would make it better.  

            She felt herself lifted into Hannah’s arms and rocked. The warmth spread through her and melted the frost of her dream. Her heart was still beating out of her chest, but now she could hear Hannah’s beating under her ear. Hannah’s hand was on the side of her face holding her close, thumb running over the shell of her ear.

            “I’ve got you, baby. It’s all just bad dreams, now. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

            Nat sniffed and held onto Hannah’s shirt collar with one hand, sucking her thumb with the other, blankie draped over her arm. It felt scary to go back to sleep, but she allowed herself to slip into the place between sleep and awake. A half-conscious state where she didn’t have clear thoughts, just feelings, sensations, sinking into what was starting to feel like real safety.

Chapter Text

Nat thumped her feet against the floor of the car, restless, scared and a little grumpy.

            Hannah glanced at her from the driver’s seat and Nat shrunk down, worried she was being too loud. She’d been good most of the morning. She drank her Ensure in the funny cup, and cooperated when Hannah fed her a bowl of oatmeal. She let Hannah dress her and brush her hair, and she remembered to brush her teeth and put on deodorant by herself. Hardest of all, she didn’t resist getting in the car.

            But her body was very sore, and it hurt to move or breathe. It almost felt worse than yesterday. It was rainy and chilly, and she wanted to go back to bed. Her hoodie was warm at least, and she was glad Hannah convinced her to bring her blankie for the ride. But she would be good at the doctor. Not like yesterday. She wouldn’t kick or fight or cry. She’d be good.

            The car ride was a lot longer than Nat anticipated, almost an hour before they pulled up to a C shaped building that said, “Specialized Children’s Hospitals.”

            Nat looked at Hannah, hugging her blanket close. “Aren’t I too old?”

            “No, they see people up to 21.”

            Nat frowned, a little insulted and embarrassed, then humiliated when she realized she felt that while holding a blankie. She sighed and pulled the strings on her hoodie to hide her face.

            “Come on honey, it’ll be okay. I told you how nice Michelle—Dr. Boland is. Let’s go in.” Hannah climbed out of her car and Natalie stayed put. Screw being good today. She wanted to cry and kick and yell again. She didn’t want to see the doctor. Even if she was nice, she would definitely do things that hurt and felt uncomfortable or scary.

            The passenger door opened, and Hannah stood there, watching her. “Come on you, let’s get going.”

            Nat shook her head and tried to curl up, but it hurt, so she whimpered.

            Hannah unbuckled Nat’s seat belt. “It’s time to go, Natalie.” Hannah’s voice sounded a little more serious.

            Nat shook her head, prepared to face any consequences “Don’t wanna.”

            Hannah sighed and knelt to Nat’s level, her hair and jacket gathering droplets of rain. “Come on baby, please? I’ll get you something special that you want after your appointment. Maybe some make-up or nail polish? Or music? Just tell me what you want, and we can get it after.”

            Nat turned her head towards Hannah, suspicious, curious. She couldn’t remember ever being bribed for good behavior. Disobedience was always met with threats, or warning smacks--a taste of what was to come if she persisted.

            She bit the nail of her thumb to avoid sucking it and pulled at her blankie.

            Hannah stood up and put her hands on her hips. “Do I have to carry you in?”

            Nat looked down and then back at Hannah. That sounded like a good idea. She turned out of the car and rested her feet on the asphalt, raising her hands towards Hannah.

            “Oh,” Hannah almost looked surprised. “Uh, can you stand up so it’s easier for me?”

            Natalie stood up and tossed the blanket back in the car. She put her arms around Hannah’s neck and Hannah lifted her up. Nat wrapped her legs around Hannah’s waist as she carried her to the door.

            “Baby, I think you need to get down now,” Hannah’s voice sounded strained. “I’ll hold your hand.”

            Nat moaned and lifted her legs up as Hannah tried to set her down.

            Hannah groaned and sat Natalie on a bench outside the door. It was wet from the rain and made her pants wet, so Nat whined and got up as quickly as she could. She pouted angrily at her. “Up,” she insisted, putting her hands on Hannah’s shoulders.

            “Natalie, I’m not strong enough,” Hannah held out her hands in defeat. “Please just walk? And I’ll hold you when we get to the waiting room.”

            It wasn’t fair. Natalie wanted to be carried. She whined a little before taking Hannah’s hand and walking through the glass doors. The fear came back to Nat as they walked down the corridor. There were cute drawings on the wall, clearly done by kids, but it was still a hospital. And that meant it was scary.

            They arrived at the front of a door with frosted glass, and the name “Dr. Michelle Boland, M.D.” Hannah opened the door, and Nat leaned backwards, shaking her head.

            “It’s going to be okay, baby, really.”

            Natalie’s resolve to not cry was weakening. “Home,” she whimpered, pulling on Hannah’s hand. “Go home.”

            “I’m sorry, honey,” Hannah whispered. “But we have to go in.”

            Nat whimpered more and a tear fell down her face. She wiped it away with her fist and Hannah surprised her by scooping her up to take her inside. Nat pushed her face into Hannah’s neck and bit her lip to stop crying.

            They were inside and Nat hadn’t opened her eyes, she just heard Hannah tell the receptionist Nat was there. She felt Hannah sit her on a couch. Nat clawed at Hannah’s sleeve as she sat down and curled up into her side.

            “You’re going to be okay, you are,” Hannah soothed, stroking her hair. “You want me to go get your blanket from the car?”

            Nat shook her head. “No leave.”

            Hannah’s hand ran up and down her back. “It’s ok if you suck your thumb if it makes you feel better,” she whispered.

            Nat shook her head violently. She wouldn’t dream of doing that in public. She shouldn’t even do it in private. She wasn’t a baby.

            “Then you can just cuddle, I’m right here.” Hannah rubbed her thumb on Nat’s shoulder.

            A flush of shame came over Nat as she realized she was chewing on a piece of Hannah’s shirt. She stopped, and chewed on her hoodie string instead.

            Natalie peeked at the waiting room and saw a small boy sitting on the carpet playing with a toy car. He was staring at her. So was a woman with a baby in a carrier by her feet, but she did a better job of hiding it. They could all see, they could all see she was a freak. Nat closed her eyes again and buried her face against Hannah.

            “Ahhh!” someone shrieked excitedly. Nat flinched. “HANNAH!”

            With a gentle pull Hannah removed her arm from Nat’s grasp and stood up. “Hey Chelle!”

            She hugged a woman in front of her. She was tall, with short reddish-brown hair and a scrub shirt with Winnie the Pooh characters on it. Her smile was wide as she squeezed Hannah tightly. “I thought I’d never be able to hug you again.” Michelle’s voice broke slightly, and Nat thought she could see a tear in her eye.

            When they separated, Nat saw a stethoscope around her neck with a tiny koala hugging it.

            “This is Natalie,” Hannah said, gently putting a hand on Nat’s head. “This is my friend Michelle, sweetheart. Dr. Boland. Can you say hi?”

            Nat wanted to cry. She wanted to be picked up. She didn’t want to see a doctor. She ducked her head behind Hannah when Michelle smiled at her.

            “Hey Natalie,” Dr. Boland said in a gentle tone. “It’s nice to meet you. Hannah told me how you’re a brave hero.”

            Nat moaned and shook her head.

            Hannah sighed, “She’s a little shy.”

            “Don’t worry, we’ll get to know each other. And you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. We’re going to go in an exam room now.” She nodded to Hannah.

            “Come on sweetheart,” Hannah whispered, leaning towards Nat. “If you stand up, I’ll carry you in, okay? Would that make it easier?”

            Nat nodded and stood up, wrapping herself around Hannah.

            She hid her face but heard the little boy in the waiting room ask, “What’s wrong with her?” before his mother loudly shushed him.

            Nat whimpered and Hannah pat her back as they left the waiting room and into an exam room. Hannah sat her on the table and the paper crinkled beneath her. She kept her hold on Hannah, but Hannah gently pried her hands off. In spite of her resolve to not be a baby, Nat started whining and kicking her legs as she reached for Hannah again.

            “Shh, shh, that’s enough,” Hannah held her hands and stood in front of her.

            “Let’s get started,” Dr. Boland said brightly.

            Nat couldn’t help it as her face crumpled and she cried, shoving the heel of her hand into her eye, sniffling.

            “Hey, Natalie,” she approached, making Nat flinch. “Can you help me with something?”

            Nat sniffled and looked at her, eyebrows knit together.

            “I’m a little worried about Hannah,” she whispered. “I think I need to check her out and make sure she’s feeling okay since she was rescued. You think you can help me?”

            With narrowed eyes, Nat looked from Hannah to Dr. Boland. “How?”

            Dr. Boland’s hand touched Hannah’s arm and she nudged her. “Hannah, I need to tell Natalie something, give us a minute.”

            Hannah nodded and moved to the other side of the room, lips pressed together in an almost smile.

            “Hannah doesn’t like being at the doctor,” Dr. Boland whispered conspiratorially. “Sometimes she gets scared. But we don’t want Hannah to be sick or hurt without us knowing because she’s not been checked out, do we?”

            Nat shook her head. Hannah being hurt or sick was not acceptable.

            “That’s what I think too. But I need you to help keep her calm and comfort her if she’s upset. Think you can do that for me? To take care of Hannah?”

            With confused trepidation, Natalie nodded. She’d do anything for Hannah.

            Dr. Boland smiled. “Okay, why don’t you hop down and come help me.” Nat took the doctor’s hands and slid off the table. “Hannah, I need to check your height and weight.” She turned to Hannah and pointed to a height chart with a giraffe on it. Hannah stood with her back to it and Dr. Boland took a tongue depressor and put it on top of her head, aligning it with a number. “Hmmm, that’s five foot five. I don’t think you’ve grown since I last saw you!”

            “I guess I’ve not been eating enough vegetables,” Hannah shot her a mischievous smile.

            “Natalie, you’ve got to make sure Hannah eats enough vegetables. She’s got to eat good things to be healthy.”

            Nat nodded, watching, wide-eyed.

            “On the scale now,” Dr. Boland pointed.

            “Oh, I don’t know,” Hannah said nervously.

            “It’s okay, Hannah,” Nat said reassuringly. “It doesn’t hurt.”

            “All right, I’ll trust you and Mich-Dr. Boland,” she nodded towards her and stepped on the scale.

            The weights on top were maneuvered around until they balanced. “Can you see what it says?” Dr. Boland asked.

            Nat craned her neck and saw the numbers. “120?”

            “Just about, I think 119. That’s on the smaller side for Hannah’s height. She’s okay at this weight, but it may also be good for her to gain a few pounds. You’ve got to make sure she eats all her meals, Nat. She’s got to eat things that are good for her too. Don’t let her just go eating cookies and soda.” Dr. Boland leaned in closer and whispered, “She used to sneak cookies out of my pantry when she thought no one was looking.”

            Nat smiled, and laughed…just a tiny bit.

            “Now I need Hannah up on the table to examine her more.” Michelle leaned in close to Nat again. “This is where you need to make sure you hold her hand and make sure she’s not scared, okay?”

            Nat nodded dutifully. It felt terrible to be scared at the doctor, she wanted to make Hannah feel safe. When Hannah hopped up she slipped her hand into hers and looked at her kindly. “I’m right here, it’s going to be over quick.”

            Hannah squeezed her hand. “I’m really glad you’re here, Nat.”

            “All right Hannah, I need to listen to your heart.” Dr. Boland put her stethoscope in her ears and the bell on Hannah’s chest. The doctor looked serious as she listened.

            Nat watched intently.

            “What do you think?” Dr. Boland asked Nat, offering her stethoscope.

            Natalie looked at it cautiously and put the ear tips in her ears. Dr. Boland held the other piece to Hannah’s chest and looked at Nat.

            Natalie listened, and heard a steady heartbeat She didn’t really know what she was listening for. But it seemed to be beating at a normal pace, at least what she thought was normal. She looked back at Dr. Boland and nodded. “Good…”

            Dr. Boland smiled. “I think so too!”

            Natalie helped Dr. Boland examine Hannah’s ears, nose, and checked the glands in her neck. She made sure to keep hold of Hannah’s hand and remind her she would be safe. Hannah seemed really grateful. Nat liked that.

            “Okay Natalie,” Dr. Boland looked at her gently. “You did a really good job helping me with Hannah, and it looks like she’s healthy considering everything. I just need you to make sure she eats well and gets enough sleep.”

            Nat nodded. “I will.”

            “Good! Now it’s your turn for me to check you.”  

            Nat hung her head and whimpered. She felt tricked. The whole exam of Hannah was just the doctor making fun of her being a stupid baby. Her lip quivered.  

            “Please honey?” Hannah rubbed her back. “You see Dr. Boland is really nice, right?”

            Natalie sniffled and wiped her eye, but nodded.

            “And she’ll be really careful. Right?” Hannah looked at the doctor.

            “Right! And if something starts to feel uncomfortable or hurt, you tell me right away.”

            Nat squeezed Hannah’s hand and nodded.

            Hannah slipped off the table and helped Nat off with her hoodie. Her arms immediately erupted with goosebumps, and she covered them with her hands. It was cold in the office, and Nat was cold a lot lately.

            “Really easy to start. Go over by Ginny Giraffe and I’ll see how tall you are,” the doctor pointed.

            Nat held onto Hannah’s hand and walked to the wall, pressing her back against it.

            “You standing up straight as you can?”

            Nat nodded, and kept her head still, holding in tears.

            “Good girl,” Dr. Boland said slowly, putting a ruler on top of Nat’s head. “Five foot six! You’re taller than Hannah.”

            It was probably said to make Nat feel good, but Nat didn’t like she was taller than Hannah. She wanted to be shorter, smaller. It would make being carried a lot easier.

            “Can you get on the scale for me?”

            Nat looked at Hannah. Without needing words, she put her hands under Nat’s arms to support her as she stepped on the scale.

            Dr. Boland moved the big weight to the 100 and it thunked down heavily. The doctor moved it back to the 80, and it went up until she pushed the little weight over slightly. It balanced just as it hit the 5-6 mark.

            “Okay,” the doctor gave a strained smile. “You’re just about 86 pounds. That’s very skinny for your height Nat, so we’re going to help you gain weight so you’re healthy.”

            Nat moaned and turned to lean on Hannah and step off the scale.

            “It’s time to get up on the table now, angel,” Dr. Boland said.

            Before Nat could respond, Hannah lifted her onto the table.

            It wasn’t so bad as the doctor checked her ears, eyes, nose and mouth. She even made Nat laugh a little saying she saw a Who from Dr. Suess in Nat’s ear.  

            The stethoscope came out again, and the doctor put the bell against Nat’s chest. She looked at a watch on her hand and nodded. “Do you want to listen too?”

            Nat shook her head.

            “That’s ok. I need to listen to your breathing, so I’m going to put the stethoscope on your back. It might be a little cold. Ready?”

            Nat looked at Hannah and squeezed her hand, but nodded.

            Dr. Boland slipped the stethoscope under her shirt and placed it on her back. Nat flinched. She was right about it being cold.

            “Now I need you to take in some deep breaths, Natalie. Can you do that?”

            Nat wasn’t sure. It hurt to breathe, but she didn’t want to disappoint Hannah. She inhaled until it hurt, whimpering at the end.

            Dr. Boland’s face looked concerned. “That was good Nat, but I said a deep breath. Can you do one like this?” The doctor took an exaggerated deep breath.

            Without being asked, Nat knew she couldn’t without it hurting a lot. But maybe she could hide it. She nodded. Natalie braced herself and inhaled as deeply as she could. It sent excruciating pain through her chest and abdomen, causing her to cry out. Tears spilled down her cheeks and she felt Hannah’s arms around her.

            “Easy, easy,” the doctor said.

            “Oh, baby,” Hannah held Natalie against her. “What hurt so much?”

            Nat cried, the shaking of her chest hurting even more.

            “Let’s lie down, angel,” Dr. Boland helped Nat’s legs onto the table.

            Being completely on the table felt scary, and Nat held onto Hannah, whining in protest.

            “Hannah’s going to be right here the whole time,” the doctor reassured her. “I just need you to lie down for me.”

            Nat felt too weak to protest as Hannah put a hand on the back of her head and laid her down. She stroked hair out of her face and ran a finger down her nose.

            “You’re being so brave, Natalie,” Dr Boland said, now hovering over her. “Now I need to see where you got the surgery, so I need to take a look at your belly under your shirt. Will you let me take a peek?”

            Nat was scared now. She wanted her blankie. She wanted to go home. She wanted Hannah to carry her out again like yesterday when it got scary. She shook her head and covered her stomach with her hands.

            “You have to let her see, sweetheart,” Hannah pulled at Nat’s hands to move them and lift her shirt. Nat wiggled and fussed in protest. It made her body hurt more so she cried, lying there even more afraid as she felt her true helplessness.

            “Hannah, no,” Dr. Boland said firmly, pushing Hannah’s hands away. “That’s Natalie’s body. We’re not allowed to look or touch unless she says it’s okay.”

            That made Natalie stop crying and look at the two of them in surprise. She wasn’t forcing her? Could she just go home?

            “Natalie,” the doctor’s voice softened again. “You’re hurting a lot now, aren’t you?”

            Nat sniffled and wiped a tear coming down her cheek.

            “You want the pain to stop?”

            Nat nodded.

            “I do too. But for me to stop the pain I need to know what’s causing it. And I need to take a look and touch a little to do that. Do you understand?”

            Nat whimpered and nodded, gripping the edge of her shirt with fidgety fingers.

            “Good. Now, will you let me take a peek at your belly so I can figure out what’s wrong? And you make sure to tell me if something hurts when I touch it. Or you can even point to places that hurt a lot so I don’t touch, okay?”

            Hannah ran a finger along Nat’s cheek. Natalie bit her lip and closed her eyes, nodding at the doctor. She hated this. She hated it. But she wanted the pain to stop. Maybe Dr. Boland really could make it stop.

            “Okay, I’m going to pull up your shirt now,” the doctor said gently as Hannah pet Nat’s hair and cheek.

            A cool draft hit Natalie’s body with a shiver as her shirt was moved up.

            “This looks like it’s healing well,” the doctor touched featherlight on the gunshot wound on Nat’s abdomen. “And the surgery incision too. But it looks like there’s lots of fresh bruises all over here,” Dr. Boland pointed to a series of purpling splotches where Nat had crashed against the bathtub. “How did these happen, angel?”

            Nat’s lip stuck out in a pre-crying pout and she looked at Hannah pleadingly. She didn’t want Dr. Boland to know she’d been bad and disobeyed Hannah. She wanted her to keep thinking she was a good girl. And what if she got mad while Nat was in this really vulnerable position? She might hit her in the tummy.

            “Nat took a spill in the shower,” Hannah told her, and Nat cried weakly, pressing her face into Hannah’s arm to hide.

            Dr. Boland’s voice stiffened. “When did that happen?”

            “Yesterday.”

            “How did that happen?” her voice sounded a little mad now, and Nat squeezed Hannah’s arm.

            “She just…” Hannah looked at the doctor. “She didn’t want to use the shower chair. So she pulled it out and…didn’t use it.”

            Nat cried in fear and shame, making her tummy and chest muscles clench. Even her sore shoulder her more. She didn’t want to be punished. She didn’t want Dr. Boland to know she was a bad girl.

            “It’s all right, Natalie,” Dr. Boland reassured her. “You just made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But I need to look at you all over under your clothes to see what was hurt in the fall, to make it better. Sit up for me?”

            Hannah helped Nat into a sitting position, and Nat didn’t struggle as her shirt was removed. She shivered. “Shh, I know it’s cold. You can put your shirt and hoodie back on soon,” Dr. Boland told her, and she inspected Nat’s body. She looked at her back, and ran her gloved hands over it. “I’m going to put a little pressure on your side here Natalie, tell me when it starts to hurt.”

            The doctor put her hand on Nat’s ribs and she flinched. She applied pressure and Nat cried out. “Owww!”

            “Okay, okay, that parts very owwie. I won’t touch it again.”

            Nat breathed heavily and felt the pain radiating through her. Hannah kissed her temple as she leaned into her.

            “Just a little longer,” the doctor said. “This is healing well,” she looked at the gunshot on Nat’s shoulder, in the front and back. “Can you move this arm?”

            Nat shook her head. “Yeah. But hurts.”

            “All right, I won’t make you do it right now. I don’t want things to hurt more.” Dr. Boland held up her shirt. “Let’s put this back on.” She slipped the shirt back on Nat’s head and Hannah helped her arms into it. “I need to check your legs now. Let’s stand up.”

            Hannah gently pulled Nat off the table and she stood on the floor, clinging to her.

            “Natalie, I need your permission…” the doctor started.

            Nat looked at her with tearful eyes.

            “Will you let me take your pants off to see if there’s any other boo boos I need to treat? You can keep your undies on.”

            Nat sniffed and squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her face into Hannah.

            “Okay…” she croaked.

            Nat’s pants were pulled down and she felt the latex of the doctor’s gloves on her leg. “Does anything hurt a lot on your legs, or hips, or bottom, Nat?”

            “Uh uh,” she shook her head. “Just a little, here.” Nat put her hand on her side, where her hip met her thigh.

            “Okay, I think I’ve seen enough.” Dr. Boland pulled Nat’s pants up. “I’m going to be right back with one of my nurses with a reward for you for being so brave, angel. Then we’ll go over how we can help you feel better.”

            “See?” Hannah put Nat’s hoodie back on. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”  

            It wasn’t, really it wasn’t. Nat shook her head. She leaned on Hannah and Hannah swayed her gently.

            Nat closed her eyes and sucked her thumb…just for a minute. No one would see. It popped out of her mouth as soon as she heard the door open and Dr. Boland and an older lady with faded, dyed yellow hair walked in.

            “Natalie, this is nurse Ellen. She’s going to help me take care of you. AND she brought the prize basket for you. You can get a sticker, lollypop and one of the toys from the basket.” Ellen held up a small basket filled with little dolls, cars, sticky hands, superballs and animal figures.            

            “What flavor lollypop do you want, honey?” Ellen asked brightly.

            Nat looked at Hannah nervously then back at Ellen. “…Red.”

            “Red it is then!” the nurse held one up and Nat took it, carefully pulling the plastic off and slipping the flat candy in her mouth. It felt nice to have that when she couldn’t have her thumb.

            “I need to talk to Hannah about something for a few minutes. Ellen will stay with you while you pick out your other prizes, okay?”

            Worry gripped Nat suddenly. She didn’t want Hannah to leave. She shook her head.

            “I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” Hannah said.

            Nat shook her head violently. “I come.”

            “We’ll be right over here in my office,” Dr. pointed to a door Nat could see from the exam room. “You’ll see if we go in and out, okay? It’ll just be a few minutes, and Hannah will hear if you call for her.”

            Nat shrunk a little as Hannah moved away.

            “Come pick out a sticker with me,” Ellen held out a roll of brightly colored stickers.

            Nat whimpered and looked at Hannah.

            “I’ll be right back,” she stuck out a pinky. “Promise.”  

            “Then you can show her what else you picked out, dear,” Ellen said, holding the prizes out to Nat again.

            It was scary to have Hannah leave, but Nat nodded. She could be brave. It would make Hannah proud of her.

            “That’s my girl,” Hannah kissed Nat’s forehead and left the room with Dr. Boland.

            The door to Michelle’s office shut softly.

            “Holy shit,” Hannah marveled. “That was like watching The Miracle Worker with Hellen Keller! I knew you were great with kids but that was amaz-”

            “Hannah, shut up,” Michelle said stiffly.

            Hannah whipped her head back in shock. “What?”

            Michelle leaned on her desk, arms crossed across her chest. She shook her head, looking at the ground in disapproval. “I don’t remember you being so reckless.”

            “What? What are you talking about?”

            Michelle tilted her head and looked at Hannah with intense annoyance. “You have no idea what you’re doing, do you? Or how serious this is?”

            Hannah froze, feeling struck, scolded. “What do you mean?”

             “Natalie!” she whisper-yelled. “I can’t believe she fell in the shower, and you didn’t take her to the hospital! She needs to be checked for injuries. Do you have any idea how many could happen in a fall like that? For someone in her condition?”

            Hannah’s eyes filled up. “But she was panicking when the doctor yesterday wanted x-rays...I needed to calm her down.”

            Michelle’s mouth fell open. “You were told to get her x rays yesterday and you didn’t? Are you kidding me?”

            “Well…I…she was scared,” Hannah’s voice broke.

            “Jesus Christ, Hannah,” Michelle put a hand against her face. “Look, Natalie needs urgent care. I’m admitting her. She needs an x-ray, MRI, and a feeding tube as soon as possible.”

            Hannah’s heart rate picked up. “You’re admitting her? Into the hospital?”

            “Yes. Look at her for God’s sake! That poor baby is a trainwreck. And those scars on her body…” Michelle’s voice faltered. “Why didn’t you tell me this before? How she was in such bad shape physically and emotionally?”

            Hannah couldn’t help herself from trembling a little as a tear fell down her cheek. “I didn’t…I guess I didn’t want to believe it. I just wanted to make her feel better.” She wiped her face. “I guess that was stupid of me.”

            Michelle softened. “You’re not stupid, Hannah. You’re just scared. You’ve been through so much trauma too.”

            “Nothing compared to Nat,” she replied bitterly.

            Michelle’s arms fell to her sides. “Don’t compare. Just work with me to take care of that girl.”  

            Hannah nodded. She had to.

            “But why didn’t you tell me she had so much previous trauma too?”

            “What?”

            “The scars…”

            Hannah’s brow furrowed. “I mean…you knew she was out there for that long. All sorts of horrible shit happened. Just living there alone and…some of the other girls would rough her up sometimes. One especially,” her voice grew bitter with images of Shauna’s smug fucking smirk.

            Michelle sighed, “Hannah…” She looked at her like she was talking to someone innocent, who didn't know much about the world.

            The tone in Michelle’s voice sent Hannah’s anxiety through the roof. “What?”

            “Those scars…most of them. They’re not from the past two years.”

            “What…? Then what are they?”

            Michelle sighed so heavily her shoulders slumped, as if she felt guilty for what she was about to say. “Hannah…those are old scars. They’re almost certainly scars from child abuse. On her back, her legs. Some even on her arms. …You didn’t know?”

            Horror drained the expression from Hannah’s face, and she felt weak. She felt sick. She knew Natalie was treated badly, mistreated in that hellhole…but scars? All those scars on her were from her parents? Or other adults in her life?

            “I…” Hannah started, but faltered and started sobbing.

            “Hey, hey,” Michelle wrapped her up in a bear hug. “I don’t mean to be so hard on you. I know this is a lot…for anyone. And you’ve been through so much too. But… you need to know, Hannah. This kid is going to be a lot of work. Physically and mentally. A full-time job. More than that probably. Are you capable of that right now?”

            “Of course I am!” Hannah yelled, a bit too loudly. “You’re not going to take her away from me!”

            “Hannah,” Michelle looked concerned, mildly horrified even. “I’m not taking her away. You’ll have access to her but maybe consider some sort of care where she’s not with you 24/7? It might be best for the both of you.”

            “No!” Hannah shook. “I won’t leave her again, I won’t!”

            “Whoa,” Michelle put her hands up. “You need to settle down, Hannah. No one is taking Natalie away from you. We just need to treat her. And girl, you really need some help too. Have you seen a therapist since you’ve been back?”

            “No, I’ve not had time.”

            “You need to make the time. You need to take care of you if you want to take care of Natalie. Just take a minute. Sit down.”

            Hannah sat down. She realized her heart was thumping, and she felt out of breath. “I’m sorry, I…it’s really easy to get worked up over her. I almost saw her die in…out there.”

            Michelle put a hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said gently. “I get it. You’ve been through so much. And this kid is a lot. I’m going to help you, all right? But you need to tell me if it gets overwhelming or you need help with her. And even if it’s just for a day or two, there’s respite care…”

            Hannah looked at her angrily. “No one else knows how to take care of Natalie.”

            Michelle looked at her and bit her lip, looking away. “All right. But you’ve got to trust me to help you take care of her. And listen to what I say she needs. You know Natalie best, but I know medical care best, right?”

            Hannah wiped her face again, trying to pull it together. “Yeah…you do. Does she really need the feeding tube? Isn’t there any other way?”

            “No. She needs it, now.”

            “But it scares her so much…”

            “But she needs to eat and gain weight. We can work her through the fear. Come on, you just compared me to Anne Sullivan. I’m a miracle worker, right?”

            Hannah laughed. “I’m sorry I totally screwed up.” She looked at Michelle and feeling like a dumb kid.

            “Hey,” Michelle nudged her chin with her fist. “I got this. Just clean up your face and let’s get Natalie ready.”

            She nodded. “I’m going to go get her blanket from the car.”

Chapter Text

            Natalie’s head shot up as soon as she heard the door across the hall open. She waved at Hannah and held up her new matchbox car.  

            “Is that the prize you picked?” Hannah asked lightly.

            Nat nodded, smiling.

            “That’s a nice car.”

            “It’s a Corvette.”  

            “Oh, is that the kind of car it is?”

            Nat nodded, thinking as she inspected it closer. “19…66 or…67.”

            “She certainly knows her cars,” Ellen the nurse said. “She was telling me the make and model of half a dozen others in the bin here.”

            “I didn’t know you knew so much about cars,” Hannah said, surprised.

            Nat shrugged. “You never asked.” She stood up on shaky legs and reached for Hannah’s hand. “I can walk to the car now,” she reassured her.  

            But Hannah paused. “Oh, um, can you sit down again for a minute?”

            Nat’s eyes didn’t move from Hannah, and she didn’t sit. “Why?”

            “Dr. Boland says you need some more tests, honey. You really did need the x-ray the doctor yesterday ordered. And…an MRI.”

            Nat frowned, anxiety growing. “How long will that take?”

            Hannah looked to Ellen.

            “I have to go check the schedule to see when you’re going in for them, but the x-rays are really quick, just about 15 minutes or so. Have you ever had an x-ray?”

            Nat swallowed heavily, “Yes.”

            “Good, then you know they’re easy!”

            Nat wobbled slightly on her feet, steadying herself by holding the edge of the exam table. “What about the MRI?”

            “That one takes a while,” Ellen said gently.

            “How long?” Nat asked, worry beginning to strangle her voice.

            “For a full body check…probably an hour and some change. Have you ever had one?”

            “No. Why do I need both?” Nat took a step back, towards the corner.

            “They show us different things we need to see,” Ellen added.

            Nat shook her head, looking pleadingly at Hannah. “I don’t want to. I wanna go home. You said we could go home after this!”

            “Honey, I’m going to stay with you while things get done. It’ll be okay.”

            A small flame of anger grew in Nat’s belly. “No! You lied to me!”

            Hannah looked apologetic, like she might cry. “I didn’t lie to you Nat…I did think we could go home after this. I’m sorry, but we have to stay longer because you need more help. I’m staying here with you.”

            “No!” her eyes filled, and her voice broke. “Liar!”

            Michelle entered the room again with some supplies. Nat’s face filled with fear, and she pushed her back up to the wall. “No! No!”

            “Back up, don’t corner her,” Michelle told them.     

            They both listened and Nat immediately made a beeline for the door, but she stumbled. Dr. Boland caught her before she hit the floor, and lifted her onto the exam table. “Easy, baby girl. I know you’re scared, but you’re going to hurt yourself more.”

            “Fuck you!” Nat cried through her tears, squirming but too weak to fight more. “Get the FUCK off me!”

            “Natalie!” Hannah scolded. “Don’t talk to her like-”

            Michelle put a hand up to Hannah, silencing her. “Natalie’s allowed to be angry, Hannah. You’re really angry now, huh?”

            “Fucking obviously,” Nat sniffled and wiped her face.

            “Tell me why you’re angry, angel,” Dr. Boland looked at Natalie with deep concern.

            “Han, Han, Han-uh,” Natalie cried, unable to get the words out.

“Shh, let’s try to settle. You’re mad at Hannah?”

            Nat nodded, still crying, snot running out of her nose.

            “Hannah, why don’t you and Ellen leave so I can talk to Nat alone?”

            Hannah and Nat simultaneously froze and looked at each other.

            “I’ll be back soon…” Hannah said nervously, watching Natalie closely as she exited the room with Ellen and shut the door.

            Fear flooded back into Nat’s body as she realized they were alone. Why did she want her alone? What was she going to do? And what were all those supplies she brought in with her? Nat scooched into the corner of the exam table, ripping the paper as she went.

            “I know you’re scared, angel,” Dr. Boland said, holding a tissue up for Nat to take.

            Nat ran her sleeve across her nose. “NO! Stay away from me!”  

            Dr. Boland backed up and sat on a round stool with wheels. “I’ll give you space.”

            Nat watched her suspiciously. She didn’t bank on her…actually staying away.

            “I know you want to get out of here. But you’re very unwell right now, and you need a lot of treatment.”

            “NO! I want to leave! Hannah LIED to me! You…” Nat started to cry, her chest, tummy and whole body hurting with the effort of yelling.

             “Shh, easy now, easy,” Dr. Boland soothed. “I want you to try and be a big girl and listen to me. Can you do that?”

            Nat glared at her angrily. How dare she talk to her like she was a little kid? She was 18! She was more than a big girl. “What for?” was the best she got out.

            Dr. Boland wheeled the stool towards the exam table. “Is it okay I’m a bit closer?”

            Nat watched her carefully and nodded.

            “I don’t know you Nat, but I know Hannah. Hannah is very worried about you. And she should be. I won’t lie to you, or sugarcoat it. I’m worried you may have some serious injuries from falling, so we need the x-ray and MRI to check. You also need to eat immediately. You need another feeding tube like you had at the hospital in Canada because you’re dropping weight rapidly. I’m concerned what effects that will have on your body. I need you to stay here in the hospital for a while until you’re stronger.”

            “NOOOOOOOO! I don’t want to!” Nat screamed, tears falling down her face. “I’ll run away! You can’t make me!”

            Dr. Boland shook her head. “You’re right, I can’t make you.”

            Nat’s crying stopped and she stared at Dr. Boland dumbfounded. This doctor kept…not acting normal.

            “You’re eighteen. I can’t make you stay here, and neither can Hannah. But if you don’t stay in the hospital and let me treat you, you will end up in one soon, or die. You’re a survivor, Nat. You survived things other people can’t even imagine. I don’t think you want to just give up now, do you?”

            “Shut up!” Nat spat.

            “Just let me say a little more, and I’ll stop. I don’t know you, like I said. But I’m going to take a guess—I don’t think you’ve been treated very well most of your life. I think lots of people have lied to you, and hurt you, inside and out. I don’t think you’ve been given the respect and protection you deserve. And you’re waiting for me to hurt or disrespect your wishes and your body, so you’re fighting really hard to stop that.”

            Nat sniffed and looked down at her hands, fidgeting. How did she know that? It was creepy. It felt like being naked, but even more exposing. She looked at Dr. Boland for a few moments, trying to figure her out. What did she really want?

            “I’ll respect you, Natalie. And I won’t hurt you, or let anyone else hurt you.”

            Nat looked away and back again.

            “I’ll respect what you want, and feel. I’ll also answer any questions you have about your condition and treatment. I want you to sit and think about that. If you choose to stay and let me treat you, it will be hard. Some procedures and healing will be painful, I won’t pretend otherwise. But I’ll do everything I can to minimize any pain, and make you feel as comfortable and safe as I can. And if anyone doesn’t treat you well, you can tell me, and I’ll stop them.”

            Nat watched her, pulling at the paper on the table, tearing it into little pieces.

            Dr. Boland sat there. She waited.

            Natalie stayed silent.

            “I’m going to leave you alone for a few minutes. If you want Hannah to come in, I’ll tell her to come in. But I think this is something you should mull over with just your brain. Call for me, Hannah or a nurse when you’re ready.” Dr. Boland stood up and walked out of the exam room.

            The door shut with a solemn click.   

            Natalie sat there, looking around the room. The quiet felt oddly peaceful. She was…given a choice. Being in charge of decisions was scary. She still couldn’t believe how she had been looked at as a leader, a queen, for three whole seasons. She’d been so scared and confused with the team giving her the reins. They were literally about to murder and eat her before Lottie started a fucking coronation ceremony after they killed Javi instead. Nat thought about Javi, tears coming to her eyes. He was a good kid. She should’ve fallen into that lake instead of him. But he did, and she watched him drown, gasping and gurgling with his arms flailing out of the frigid water.

            She swallowed. Why did he die, and she lived? Why did Ben die and she lived? Mari? Jackie? Any of the others? Nat should’ve been a bag of bones left on the airplane, not some batshit wilderness queen with a weird crown. She hated it. She thought it made her look stupid, like being forced to wear a Halloween costume to a formal event. And what the fuck did she know about making decisions and leading others? Nat spent all those months desperately hoping no one would notice how she had no clue what she was doing. She just knew they needed to not fight, and not die. She knew how to do that, and they did all right. But things mostly improved because of the weather. If that winter had lasted much longer they’d probably all have died.

            A knock at the door made Nat jump, and jolted her out of her trance. The door cracked open, and Dr. Boland’s head poked out. “May I come in? Or would you like a little more time?”

            “You can come in,” Nat whispered in a croaky voice.

            Dr. Boland walked in slowly and shut the door with a subdued click. “Have you made a decision?”

            Nat looked at her, trying to figure out her game. She couldn’t think of anything. Maybe she’d make more money off her being in a hospital but…that just didn’t seem like it. She’d been really nice. Just about as nice as Hannah. She did trick Natalie a little…but it had made her feel a bit more comfortable. And she even stopped Hannah from doing things that scared Nat, and scolding her for cursing. That was really unexpected. Maybe she was genuine.

It all felt like unchartered territory, and Nat was so exhausted. She just wanted to go home, sit in Hannah’s lap while she sang to her, and hold her blanket. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to feel. She wanted to disappear.  

“Do you…” Nat began, fidgeting with her little car. “Do you think Hannah would be really upset?”

“About what?”

Nat glanced up to her and back at her lap. “If I died,” she whispered.

“Yes,” Dr. Boland said instantly, firmly, as though there were no doubt in her mind it was true.        

Natalie’s head shot up, looking at the doctor with tear-filled eyes. “Really?” her voice broke, tear falling down her face.

“Yes, really. She’d be devastated if she lost you.”

Nat wiped her face, disbelief, love and fear buzzing in her head. “Why?” it came out angrily, hopeful, worried. Tears fell freely down her face, and she rubbed her nose with her sleeve again.

Dr. Boland sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping down. “You’re very important to her. You saved her life. She cares about you so much. And she doesn’t get close to many people. She never did. She always just had one or two friends and…she was happy that way. But when she does care about someone? She’s ride or die. I think you’ve seen that.”

Nat didn’t look at Michelle, but she nodded.

“Would you like her to tell you?”

Nat’s eyes grew. “What?”

“I think you should hear it from Hannah, not me.” Dr. Boland went for the door.

Natalie reached her hand out, but the words got stuck in her throat before they could surface.

“Hannah, come on in,” Dr. Boland called.

Hannah came in quickly, but looked sheepish as she held up Nat’s blankie. “Thought you might want your blanket,” she looked at her quickly, red-eyed.

Nat tried to process the fact she could tell Hannah had been crying…and also gone out of her way to get something she knew would comfort Nat, even after she was just yelling at her. She looked red-faced, guilty. Scared.

Nat didn’t want to scare Hannah. She didn’t want to make her cry. She wanted to wrap her arms around her and hold her blankie and get rocked to sleep.

“Natalie had something to ask you,” Dr. Boland started slowly, glancing at Nat, as if for consent.

Nat sat there like a deer in the headlights, unable to respond.

Hannah’s head perked up with hopeful curiosity.

“She wanted to know if you’d be upset if she died.”

“What?” Hannah almost winced. “Is that a joke?”

“I think she needs to hear how you’d really feel…” Dr. Boland looked at Hannah grimly, but not unkindly.

Hannah’s hands that had been grasping the blanket together like a prayer in front of her chest, dropped her arms to the sides heavily, blanket grazing the floor. “I’d be heartbroken. I don’t think I could…” her voice broke and she cried, quickly bringing a hand up to her face. “I’m sorry I just…I don’t mean to let you see me like this, sweetheart.”

Natalie watched. This…wasn’t playing along. This wasn’t like the pantomime check-up where Nat comforted Hannah earlier. This was…real. Hannah was really crying. Hannah was really scared. Hannah was truly torn up about the idea of Nat dying.  

“God…” Hannah sucked in a breath. “You’re like, the most important thing in the world to me other than Alex. I’ve dedicated all this time to caring for you and you don’t know I would be upset if you died?”

“I’m sorry,” Nat whimpered. “I don’t mean to be ungrateful…”

“I LOVE you, Natalie. Can’t you see that?” Hannah put both her hands on Nat’s cheeks and looked her in the eye.

A cry bubbled out of Nat, and she couldn’t meet Hannah’s eyes again. Hannah really loved her? But why? It didn’t make any sense. All Nat did was cause trouble. Hannah knew the worst of it, that she was a murderer and cannibal. But even the little stuff this past week…she caused fights with Alex, she talked back and disobeyed Hannah every day, she broke her bathroom, and she was gross needing to be cared for like a helpless baby.

“You…you love me?” Nat asked, squeezing her matchbox car so hard into her hand it hurt.

“Of COURSE I love you, Natalie! I took you home with me! You’re my family now.”                                                                

Nat cried in response. This was crazy. Why would Hannah want her as family? Why did she love her? This was scary. But she wanted Hannah, and she wanted to be loved. She sniffled and saw the blanket hanging from Hannah’s hand. She reached for it, and Hannah brought it up to her face. Natalie grabbed it and wrapped herself around Hannah.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Hannah said gently, touching the back of Nat’s head.

Nat sobbed into Hannah’s neck with her eyes squeezed shut. “I love you so much,” she whispered. “I love you and don’t want you to go away.”

“Oh baby, why did you think I was going away? I’m right here.”

Nat moaned and hiccupped, pushing into Hannah more. She felt Hannah rub her back in circles as she shushed her. “It’s okay honey, it’s okay. I’ve got you and I’m not going anywhere. I love you. All right?”

Nat sniffled into Hannah and nodded.

Hannah kissed her temple and cuddled her more. Natalie wanted her thumb.

“Hey there,” Dr. Boland said softly. “I don’t want to interrupt the cuddles, but if Natalie’s ready, we need to get started.” Hannah separated from Nat enough so she could see Michelle. “Are you ready to get some of this tough stuff done so you can get well again, Nat?”

Nat gripped Hannah a little tighter. She saw the IV pole, the feed bag, the long, long tube that was going to go into her body. Looking at the doctor’s eyes, she knew this was a heavier question than on the surface. She was asking Nat if she was ready to live…to go through all the horrible shit it would take to survive. (Again.)

She ran her hand along Hannah’s shirt collar, counting the little lines in it, then looked at Dr. Boland. She nodded slightly.

The doctor smiled.

“Okay. Before we start, I can give you something that will help you feel calmer if you want. Would you like to take it?” Dr. Boland held out half of a small, oval pill.

“Xannies?” Nat snatched it out of Dr. Boland’s hand and tossed it in her mouth. “Give me the rest. Half won’t be enough.”

Hannah and Dr. Boland looked at one another, wide-eyed. But the doctor nodded emphatically. “Whatever you say!” She handed over the other half and Nat swallowed it as Hannah handed her a dixie cup of water. Nat threw it back like a shot and inhaled as deeply as she could.

She nodded uneasily. “Let’s do it.”

Dr. Boland smiled and wheeled her stool across the floor to Nat. She held up the long tube and Nat’s courage faltered. She whimpered and clung to Hannah, hiding her face.

“I’m not putting it in just yet, Nat,” the doctor said. “I’m explaining what’ll happen first. Do you remember what it was like at the last hospital?”

Nat shook her head.

“She was…unconscious when they put the first one in,” Hannah told her.

“Ohhh, that’s probably why it seems so scary now. It doesn’t hurt much to be put in, sometimes not at all. It is uncomfortable, but it only takes about 15 minutes. You’ll need to tilt your head back, and I’m going to put it in one of your nostrils. Then it will slip it into your throat, you’ll take a sip of water to help it down, and I’ll make sure it goes all the way into your stomach. Okay?”

Nat nodded.

There was a knock at the door. “It’s me, Dr. Boland,” Ellen said.

“Come in.”

“Got Natalie’s bracelet, and she’s officially admitted. Space is open in 204 for her.” She held up a hospital bracelet and came towards Nat. “Can I put it on?”

Nat nodded and held out her wrist. It was so thin that the bracelet nearly fell off, and Ellen had to redo it.

“Looks like we’re moving this party upstairs.” Dr. Boland got the IV pole and pushed it out the door.

“Come on now, honey,” Hannah gently pulled Nat off the exam table.

Nat whimpered. The reality was setting in, she was staying in the hospital. She cried a few tears and leaned on Hannah. “Up?” she asked.

Hannah sighed and looked defeated. “Baby I really can’t carry you that much. I don’t want to drop you and now I’m worried about touching parts of your body that might be hurt. And I’m really…not strong enough to do it for long.”

Nat hung her head and held onto Hannah’s hand instead, gripping it tight.

“I’ll hold you when we’re in your room, okay?”

Nat nodded.

She took the elevator ride up with Hannah and Dr. Boland, dreading the cold, empty white room smelling of bleach and sickness that awaited her.

The doors opened and Nat was surprised to see bright blue along the walls. Murals of the ocean. Coral, fish, dolphins, orcas, sting rays. It was actually…really pretty. Nat looked at it as they walked.

 “This is your room, Nat,” Dr. Boland said gently as Hannah led her in.

Nat held onto Hannah, and saw a room painted mostly in shades of yellow. It looked like the Serengeti, with tall yellow grass, a few trees, a giraffe, pride of lions, mom and baby elephant, and a herd of zebras. The room looked nice…but there was still a hospital bed, with a hospital gown lying in the center.

Hannah eased Nat onto the bed. “I’m going to undress you now for your hospital gown, okay?”

“Do I have to?” Nat whined. “Can’t I just stay in my clothes?”

“Not right now, angel,” Dr. Boland cut in. “Hannah can bring you some regular jammies tomorrow, but right now you need to be in the gown.”

Nat wanted to cry and fuss more. She wanted to throw the stupid gown on the floor. Rip it up. But she didn’t. She just looked at Hannah and lifted her arms a little.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” the doctor said, slipping out the door.

Nat went mostly limp, allowing Hannah to manipulate her body to remove her clothing and put on the hospital gown. It was thin, and left her legs and arms exposed. She shivered. “Cold,” she whined, leaning into Hannah.

“You’re right baby, it is cold.” She gently rubbed Nat’s arms to warm them up. “Michelle!”

“You called?” the door cracked open.

“Is there anything else she can wear over this? She’s so cold.”

“Already thought of that! It might be a liiittle short though, Nat. You’re a taller than most of my patients.” Dr. Boland held up a pale blue bathrobe.

Hannah smiled. “Thanks.” She took it and wrapped it around Natalie and gave her a warm hug. “There sweetheart, is that better?”

Nat sniffled and nodded.

“It’s time for your tube now, angel,” Dr. Boland said. “I want you to blow your nose really hard since you’ve been crying, don’t want too many boogers clogging things up.” She handed her a tissue box and started setting up the tube and feed bag.

Nat gripped Hannah’s arm. It was happening now. Her mind started feeling blurry, like she was under water. But she blew her nose when Hannah held up a tissue for her. She was being good now.

“Sit in this chair Nat, nice and straight,” Dr Boland pushed a chair to the side of the bed and Hannah helped her in. “And you have to be very still while I do it. Don’t turn your head or pull away, because you could hurt yourself.”

Nat nodded.

Dr. Boland put on a fresh pair of gloves and ran lubricant along the tube. “I’m getting it all slippery so it goes down easily,” she told Nat. “Now tilt your head back, it’s going in now.”

Nat whimpered, frozen in place.

“Come on baby,” Hannah gently tilted Nat’s head back and she let her.

“I need you to tell me you’re ready, Natalie,” the doctor said, tube poised above Nat’s nose.

“Okay…Am ready.”

“Here we go,” Dr. Boland slipped the tube into Nat’s nostril and she felt it go down. It hurt a little, like when you don’t hold your nose when jumping into a pool. She wanted to pull away, she wanted to shove the doctor, but she didn’t move. Nat realized Hannah was holding her head and neck still, but didn’t care.

Dr. Boland was saying something, but Nat couldn’t comprehend the words.

She was about to cough but the straw from a cup of water entered her mouth.

“Quick Natalie, take some sips! You’ve got to help the tube go down.”

Nat drank water and she felt the tube snake down inside her. It felt strange. It wasn’t so different from when it was removed a few weeks ago, but it felt…gross. The doctor kept pulling it down, saying encouraging things Nat couldn’t really make sense of…but they sounded nice.

 Before she knew it, Dr. Boland slipped part of the tube over her ear and gently placed a piece of tape against her face. “All done, angel. You did SO well. I’m so proud of you.”

“I am too!” Hannah rubbed her shoulder. “You were SO brave, sweetheart.”

Nat let her head fall against Hannah.

“We need to make sure your tube is in the right place, so we can kill two birds with one stone in the x-ray. It should be ready now. You seem a bit woozy so we’re going in the wheelchair.”

Natalie was eased in a wheelchair and pushed down the hall. They went into the elevator again and ended up at radiology.

“I’m sleepy,” she said as Dr. Boland lifted her onto the x-ray table.

“Shh, I know. Just a few minutes here then you can go back up for your feed. After I hook it up you can take a nap and the MRI will be free after that.”

“Uh huh,” Nat nodded, unsure what she was agreeing to.

“You stay still here too, okay Natalie?”

“Unghh,” Nat’s head rolled to the side.

The room went dark. It made a buzzing sound. It buzzed again. And again. Natalie wondered if there was a fly stuck in the room, trying to get out through a closed window.

The lights came on again, and Nat covered her eyes.

“All done with the x-ray too,” Hannah said, brushing her hair out of her face.

“Blankie,” Nat whined, as Hannah put her back in the wheelchair.

“Blankie’s in your room, sweetheart. We’re on our way there now.”

Nat closed her eyes and when she opened them, Dr, Boland was lifting her into a hospital bed where Hannah was waiting with open arms.

“You seem pretty sleepy, but I just want you to know I’m about to start your feed now Nat. You’re going to feel funny sensations in your throat and tummy.”

Nat moaned in response, and nuzzled into Hannah. She felt those strange sensations go through her body and wiggled in discomfort. But her blankie was in her hand so she squeezed it and covered her face. That felt a little better. And Hannah was there. She was warm, and cozy. She stroked Nat’s hair and told her she was being good. Nat’s hands gripped Hannah’s shirt.

“I got some videos for you too,” a distant voice said.

Natalie couldn’t recognize who was talking. She was so sleepy, and felt like she was slowly sinking into Hannah and the bed like quicksand. Her thumb found its way into her mouth.

There was the faint click of a video being slipped into a VCR and the vrrrp of the tape adjusting to the screen. Children’s voices echoed happily through the room, “Sunny day, chasing the clouds away! On my way, to where the air is sweet…”

Chapter Text

“How is she?” Michelle whispered as she approached Nat’s bed.

“Zonked,” Hannah answered. She stroked Nat’s hair. “She’s been out since she got in the bed.”

Michelle smiled. “Looks like her feed bag is just about empty. That’s good, because we need to take her for the MRI now.”

Hannah looked at Nat guiltily and cuddled her closer. “I feel so bad waking her up.”

“I know,” Michelle sighed. “And the MRI might be hard for her. Do you know if she’s claustrophobic?”

Hannah’s mind scrambled for anything Nat had said or done that would indicate a fear of small spaces. “Um, I don’t think so. She hasn’t said anything about that.”

Michelle grimaced. “Well, being in the MRI machine can make anyone feel trapped, so I want to try and mentally prep her a little.”

She knew by the look on Michelle’s face it was a subtle encouragement to wake Nat up already. Hannah sighed and ran her hand along Natalie’s back, jostling her. Natalie groaned and pushed her face into Hannah, reluctantly stirring. “Come on sweetheart, you have to get up for a while.”

Nat groaned more and rubbed her eyes. “Why?”

“You need another test, angel. The MRI. I need you awake to tell you a little about it first.”

“Mmmm, don’t want to,” Nat fussed, holding onto Hannah tighter.

“You’ll get to go to sleep as soon it’s done. Right?” Hannah looked to Michelle, hoping that was true.

Michelle nodded. “Hannah’s right. I need you to sit up and put listening ears on for a few minutes.”

Hannah shifted and moved Nat into something that resembled a sitting position. Nat whined and kicked her feet, too cranky to be embarrassed about how she looked.

“Hey,” Michelle pulled up a chair beside the bed. “You’re going for the MRI now, and you’ve never had one before, right?”

Nat stuck her thumb in her mouth and shook her head, eyebrows furrowed in a grumpy frown.

“You’re going to have to go inside the machine. You’ll lie down on your back and it’ll move you inside. It’s not a lot of room, and you have to lie as still as possible. There’s going to be part of the machine that spins fast around you and it’s very loud. I’m going to give you ear plugs or headphones with music to block it out. It may feel scary, but nothing in it will hurt you. You can’t move around, or it’ll take longer. But if you get scared and you call for us, we can talk to you, and you can hear us. Okay?”

Natalie’s eyes were wide with fear, and she gripped Hannah’s shirt. She looked up at Hannah, who gently brushed hair out of her face. Some stuck to her forehead.

“It’ll be okay, sweetheart. We just need to get it over with. Then I’ll hold you again.”

Nat whimpered, her lip stuck out. She pushed herself into Hannah’s chest. Hannah could feel her crying softly against her.

Hannah looked pleadingly at Michelle. “Does she…” Hannah started, but Michelle looked at her hard and shook her head. She sighed and moved away from Nat, climbing out of the bed. Natalie immediately started grabbing for her and whining, but Hannah held her hands. “Shh, shh. I’m still here.” She looked to Michelle. “If she can listen to music…I know Nat likes Nirvana. Right honey?”

Nat sniffed and nodded.

“Great, I’ll borrow a tape from my intern, I know she loves that band. Now you’re going to go into the wheelchair again and we’ll go get this test done. Then I won’t bug you with any other big tests the rest of the day. And I can get you any videos or cassette tapes you want. You can bring your blankie with you too.”

Ellen the nurse brought the wheelchair in, and Nat slumped against her pillow, clearly trying not to cry.

“When it’s all done, I’ll let you pick out another car,” Ellen smiled.

“See honey?” Hannah said gently. “You’ll get a reward after. And you can tell me all about what kind of car it is too. And more about your corvette.”

Nat inhaled heavily and nodded, reaching her arms towards Hannah.

“Here we go,” Hannah helped Nat up and into the wheelchair, handing her the blanket.  

Nat hugged it tightly as she was wheeled out of her room. Hannah made sure to stay in Nat’s line of sight, the girl’s nervous eyes checking her location every few seconds.

When they arrived at the MRI room, Natalie took one look at the machine and started crying for Hannah.

“I’m right here, sweetheart,” Hannah soothed, letting Natalie cling for a moment.

“It’s not going to hurt, Nat. It’s loud and can feel scary but it won’t hurt. I promise,” Michelle reassured her.

Nat looked up at Hannah, then back at Dr. Boland. She extended her pinky slightly towards her.                                                    

Hannah chuckled as Michelle looked at her with confusion.

“She wants you to pinky promise,” Hannah stroked Nat’s hair.  

“Ohh, gotta make the deal official,” Michelle smiled and hooked her pinky around Nat’s. “PINKY promise it doesn’t hurt! Are you ready to be brave for us and go in the machine?”

Nat whimpered and hugged Hannah tightly while squeezing her eyes shut. But she nodded.

“That’s a good girl,” Michelle helped Natalie up onto the table.

She shivered. “Cold…”

“I’ve got a blanket for you, dear,” Ellen held up two hospital blankets.

“We’re going to get you all cozy, angel, don’t you worry.” Michelle took out a walkman and put the headphones on Natalie’s ears. “Press play when you want to listen to it. If you need us or want to hear us, just talk and we can talk back. But you need to lie still like the x-ray, it just takes a long time. The machine will spin and be very loud while it’s taking pictures of you. It will help if you close your eyes and don’t look at it.”

Natalie chewed on her blanket and trembled. Hannah almost cried watching her. She wanted nothing more than to pick her up again and put her to bed.

“Okay, we’re going to lie down now,” Michelle moved Nat’s legs onto the table and lowered her head onto the pillow. Ellen draped the blankets over Nat and tucked them in all around her body. Natalie started sucking her thumb, but Michelle sighed and looked at Nat gently. “No thumb now, angel. You have to lie flat.”

Natalie whimpered and her eyes watered.

“Hey, we’re going to get this done as SOON as we can, and then you can just relax and sleep or watch TV.”

Nat didn’t respond, just nibbled on her blanket and held it tight.

“The three of us are going to go on the other side of the wall right there,” Michelle pointed. “We can see you through the window, and hear you, even if you can’t see us. When we go back the table is going to make a noise and move you back inside the main part of the machine.”

A few silent tears fell down Nat’s cheeks, and Hannah ran her finger along her nose. “You’re being SO good Natalie. I love you, and I’ll be there at the window making sure you’re safe.” She kissed Nat’s forehead and held her hand.

Natalie squeezed Hannah’s hand before she watched the three women walk out of the room.

Hannah’s stomach was doing flips as they went into the viewing station across from the machine. She expected to hear Nat start crying, or even screaming. But she didn’t.

“She’ll be okay,” Michelle reassured her.

Ellen and Michelle sat in front of the computers screens that were showing Nat’s scans in real time. Hannah stood behind them, chewing her cuticle until she could taste blood.

“Hannah, sit down,” Michelle said.

She shook her head. “No, I’m, I’m ok standing.”

Michelle rolled her eyes. “Hannah, just sit down,” she grabbed Hannah’s arm and pulled her into a chair. Hannah’s butt hit the seat with a thump. Michelle shot her a comfortingly familiar, mischievous grin.

Michelle pressed a button in front of her. “Okay Natalie, we’re right here watching. You’re going to be moved back into the machine. You’ll be safe the whole time, and pinky promises it won’t hurt. You ready?”

There was no response.

“You have to use your voice to answer right now. Are you ready?”

“…Yes,” she got out weakly.

“Here we go! We’ll be here the whole time.”

Hannah felt sick as she heard the mechanical whirr of the machine. The table moved Nat’s frail body into the circle center of the machine until all she saw was the white bundle of her feet.

“The loud noise is going to start now, you may want to turn on your music.”

Michelle pressed another button.

The three women sat in the small, dark room in silence. The only sound was the echo of Nat’s breathing and whimpers coming out of the speaker.

“God, she sounds so scared,” Hannah sighed.

“She’ll get through it,” Michelle said. “She’s a fighter.”

Small cries came through the speaker and Hannah looked at it defeated. “Michelle…she’s only been in there a minute and she’s already crying.”

“Cruel to be kind, Professor.” Michelle nudged Hannah’s head before gently resting on her shoulder and giving it a loving squeeze.

The old nickname made Hannah smile, warm comfort overtaking her buzzing anxiety for a few relieving seconds.

            The cries got louder.

            “She’s moving,” Ellen told them, pointing to the screen where the internal silhouette of Natalie was blurring on the screen.

            Michelle reached out to the mic button again. “Natalie, angel, you’ve got to lie still. The machine won’t work if you’re not still.” She released the button, looking at Hannah. “Tell her to stop moving.”

            Hannah breathed shakily and reached for the button. “Hey sweetheart, it’s me. Please stop moving. It’ll take longer. Just close your eyes and turn up the music, okay?”

             Nat cried a bit more and whimpered Hannah’s name, but she stayed still.

            “You’re doing REALLY well, Natalie,” Michelle said to her. “Just close your eyes and listen to your music. Try to imagine yourself somewhere safe and pretty.”

            “Uh huh,” they heard from the speaker.

            “Good girl, you’re doing fine.”

            Hannah felt the minutes drag like they’d never dragged before. Every moment she was expecting an explosion from Natalie. Screaming, crying, scrambling, rushing out of the machine in whatever way she could. But time passed, and with the exception of a few cries, wiggles and questions as to when it would end, Natalie stayed quiet.

            Michelle patted Hannah’s hand as she watched the screens of the scan. “If she can get through it, you can too.”

            Hannah groan-sighed, “Thanks.”

            “Come on, give me a laugh. You’ve got to laugh or you’ll go crazy.”

            “I’m way past crazy,” Hannah chuckled. “I don’t even think I could be sane if I tried at this point.”

            “There, that’s the spirit!” Michelle smiled.

            Hannah sighed and tried to stay calm. She stared at Nat’s feet in the blanket sticking out of the machine, doing her best to not count the seconds. A watched pot never boils, Grandma always said…Hannah told herself.  

            Natalie’s breathing suddenly got louder, heavier. Michelle’s light expression turned serious as she watched the screens and speaker.

            “You doing okay in there?” she asked.

            Nat’s breathing got louder still, and she whimpered. “Go away, go away, go away…”

            Hannah saw Nat’s feet move and kick on the table. “No! Don’t touch me!” she yelled thru the speaker.

            “Shit, Ellen let’s get her out,” Michelle said, pushing her chair back and rushing out the door as Ellen pressed the button for the machine to stop and eject her. She doubled back and grabbed a half-empty water bottle on the counter and ran into the MRI room.  

            Hannah shot up and chased after Michelle as Ellen was on her heels. Michelle pointed to the other side of Natalie, “Ellen, get over there in case she slips!”

Natalie flailed, breathing heavy and begging for someone to stop. Hannah came up behind Michelle but she pointed to the corner, “Stay over there!” Hannah stopped.

            Michelle poured a bit of water into the palm of her hand and flicked it at Natalie’s face.

            “What are you doing?!” Hannah yelled stepping closer.

            A hand was put out in a stop signal as Michelle stared down at Natalie. “You’re safe, baby girl, you’re safe. You’re in the hospital with Dr. Boland and Hannah and Ellen the nurse. No one’s going to hurt you, you’re safe. You’re eighteen years old, and you were just getting a medical test done. No one’s going to hurt you.”

            Natalie’s eyes were wide, terror-stricken. She looked at her surroundings with bewilderment, still breathing heavily.

            Hannah stood still, watching with concern, and just as much confusion as Natalie.

            “Do you want Hannah?” Michelle asked Nat, beckoning her hand towards Hannah to come forward.

            Hannah stepped quickly to Natalie and looked at her. Recognition came over Nat’s face and she reached. “Hannah!”

            “Hold her,” Michelle whispered (though she didn’t need to.)

            “I’m here honey, I’m here,” Hannah put her arms out and Nat clung to her neck, shaking and sobbing. “It’s okay, Nat, the test is all over. You’re all done now. We can go back and watch Sesame Street in your room again. Or, or, I can sing to you. Okay?”

            Natalie just cried. She gripped the back of Hannah’s shirt and pulled her hair in the process. Hannah ignored it and stayed put.

            “Just hold her and tell her she’s safe,” Michelle whispered. “Tell her where she is, the date, who you are, what’s going on.”

            Hannah’s eyebrows knitted together as she looked over Nat’s shoulder at Michelle. “It’s…it’s okay baby. It’s just me Hannah, and my friend Dr. Boland. We’re in the hospital. It’s to make you better.”

            “Tell her she’s safe,” Michelle added.

            “You’re safe, Natalie. I’ve got you and I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

            Natalie’s breathing slowed, and her grip on Hannah loosened.

            Michelle nodded at Hannah. “Look her in the eye. Tell her to.”

            Hannah paused, but did as she was told. “Can you look at my face, Nat? Look at me?”

            Natalie sniffed, rubbing her face against Hannah’s shoulder before pulling her head away to look at her. Nat’s face was red and puffy, wet with tears, saliva and snot. She trembled in Hannah’s arms at looked with her still-terrified hazel eyes.

            “Hi,” Hannah smiled, unsure of what else to say.

            Natalie let out a shuddery breath. “Hi,” she squeaked.

            “Why don’t we get you back up to your room, baby girl?” Dr. Boland asked. “Hannah can stay with you, and I won’t bug you with more tests today.”

            Ellen wheeled the wheelchair up to the MRI table and Hannah tried to pull Nat off the table, but Michelle’s hand stopped her. “Easy, hold on.” Michelle slipped her hand under Nat’s thighs and another across her lower back. “I’m going to put you in the wheelchair, Natalie. Hannah’s still right here. We just need to get back to your room.”

            Natalie screamed and kicked, unintentionally kicking Hannah in the stomach and pulling her hair and shirt as Michelle placed her in the wheelchair. Hannah grunted and tried to hide it.

            “It’s okay, we’re going to take good care of you,” Ellen reassured Nat.

            Hannah got her breath back and held Nat’s hand. “Right here baby, right here.” Nat cried and squeezed her hand, looking at Hannah with panic. “Shh, shh, we’re going to go back to your room.”

            Nat stopped crying and started gulping air as they wheeled her to the elevator with Hannah walking alongside.

            As soon as they reached Nat’s room, Hannah sat on the bed and Natalie was placed beside her. Nat crawled into Hannah’s lap and wrapped one arm around her neck, holding her blankie with the other and sucking her thumb. Hannah rocked her, finally feeling safe enough to relax herself.

            “M’thirsty,” Nat whispered.

            “Okay baby, I’ll get you something to drink,” Hannah kept a hand on her temple and stroked her cheek. “Can she get some water please? And maybe some apple juice?”

            “Coming right up,” Ellen smiled.

            “You did a very good job, Natalie,” Michelle told her. “I’m really proud of you, so are Ellen and Hannah. You were SO brave. I’m going to hook your tube again so your body gets more food. You can just stay there with Hannah, and Ellen and I are here if you want anything.”

            Nat shyly turned her face into Hannah, and it made Michelle turn her head and look at Hannah. “So sweet,” she lip-synched to her. Michelle handed Hannah the remote control. “Ellen can get you more videos if she wants some.” She squeezed Hannah’s hand and looked at her affectionately. “Let me know if you need me. We can talk later.”

            “Thank you,” Hannah whispered.

            Just as Michelle left, Ellen entered with a cup of water and two small cartons of apple juice. Hannah took the cup of water and held the straw to Nat’s mouth. Nat drank it quickly, so Hannah pulled it away gently. “Not so fast.”

            Nat let out a wet gasp and nodded.

            Hannah gave her the straw back and she sipped it slower. Ellen put the two little cartons on the table beside Nat’s bed.

            “And, I didn’t forget you get a new car too,” Ellen held out another basket of toys. Natalie shrunk down against Hannah and looked bashful. “…Or something else if you want that instead?” Ellen asked  

            Nat looked up at Hannah, nervously. “Is okay?” she whispered.

            “Is what okay?”

            Nat’s eyes darted from the basket to Ellen, to Hannah. “Get…get present?”

            Hannah’s vocal chords forget how to work while her brain tried to process what Natalie was asking, why she sounded so tiny, and why she wasn’t speaking in full sentences.

            The silence agitated Natalie. She started squirming and looking anxiously from Hannah to Ellen.

            The sound of Ellen clearing her throat broke Hannah out of her thoughts. “That was my mistake, dear.” She looked at Hannah, with a theatrical nod. “Is she allowed to choose something else from the basket?”

            “…Oh.” Hannah looked at Natalie, who had an apologetic expression that morphed into concern.

            “Don’t need it…” She squeezed her blanket and pulled it against her face.

            “Natalie,” Hannah’s voice finally found its way to the surface. “Of, of course you can get a reward. You can take a handful if you want.”

            When she looked at Hannah again, a closed mouth smile spread across Nat’s face. She peered into the basket and inspected it closely, carefully moving a few pieces around. Finally, Nat held up a black car with green and silver stripes on the sides. It had decorative fins on the back, that even Hannah recognized as being from the 1950s.

            “Do you know what kind of car that is?” Hannah asked.

            Nat smiled widely and nodded.

            “What is it?”

            “Chevy Bel Air.” Natalie turned it and ran her finger along the bottom and sides.

            “Is it from the 1950s?”

            “Fifty seven.”

            Ellen chuckled. “She’s like that girl in My Cousin Vinny.”

            Hannah laughed, remembering the scene where Marissa Tomei’s character gave her expert testimony. “‘Well my father was a mechanic. His father was a mechanic, my mother’s father was a mechanic,’” she trailed off, both her and Ellen laughing.

            Nat rested her head against Hannah’s chest and nodded. “Daddy ‘chanic. Uncle Nicky g’rage.” She rolled the little car up Hannah’s arm. “Vrrrrghhhh….”

            Hannah’s eyes grew in surprise, her cheeks coloring. “Oh,” she scrambled for something to make a joke out of it. “I guess I’ll have to call you Lisa like the girl in the movie then!” she laughed, but Natalie stiffened and lifted her head up.

            “No Lisa…” she started. “No Lisa,” she shook her head. “Not like Lisa,” she whimpered, crying and wiping her face. “Won’t be like Lisa,” she cried, pushing herself to the edge of the bed. “Promise won’t…”

            “Whoa, whoa,” Hannah put her arm out to keep Nat from pushing herself past the bed rail.

            “Sorry…”

            Hannah got out of bed and Ellen helped her shift Nat into the center. “It’s okay, Natalie,” Hannah tried. “What’s the matter?”

            “No mad?” Nat squeaked, hiding her face behind her blanket.

            “Of course not baby, I’m not mad.” Hannah couldn’t even make sense of what happened.

            “And I’m not mad either,” Ellen added.

            Natalie leaned back into the bed and sucked her thumb, pulling the blankets up around her..

            Ellen quietly took Nat’s new car and put it on the side table. “I’ve got a box of Disney movies for our brave patients to watch if you want. Would you like to see it?”

            Only one of Nat’s eyes was visible behind her blanket, her messy brown hair sticking out around it. She nodded very slowly, eye turning towards Hannah as Ellen left to get the videos.

            Hannah’s throat was dry. She felt very thirsty herself, and eyed the cartons of apple juice on the side table. “I don’t know what I said to scare you, honey. I’m sorry if I did. You’re not in trouble.”  

            Nat’s one eye stayed on Hannah, suspicious.

            You’ve got to do something, say something… “Love you, Nat.” She smiled, as naturally as she could.

            Nat’s thumb slid out of her mouth, and she moved her blanket away from her face. “Love Hannah.”  

            She stood awkwardly beside the bed, trying to figure out what happened and what she could do. “Um, I need to call my mom to let her know to be there for Alex when she gets home from school. I’ll be right back.”

            “No leave!” Nat yelled, popping up in her bed and grunting with pain, putting a hand on her stomach.

            “Okay, okay, I’ll…wait until Ellen gets back.”

            “No leave,” Nat whined. “Be good. I be good.

            Hannah sighed, letting her arms fall to the side. “Oh sweetie, I’m not leaving you, and I’m not mad at you. You’ve been a good girl all day, and I’m SO proud of you. I just need to call and make sure Alex has someone there for her this afternoon.”           

            Nat fidgeted her fingers with her blanket and glanced at Hannah. “Come back?”

            “Yes, I’ll come back.”

            Ellen entered the room noisily with a wheely cart filled with video tapes. “Our own personal Blockbuster! And no late fees, either.”

            “I need to make a phone call,” Hannah said. “Can you stay with Natalie until I’m back?”

            “I sure can. And I bet we’ll have a video picked out for when you’re back. Right?” she looked to Natalie.

            Nat nodded slowly and looked at Hannah.

            “I’ll be back in just a few minutes,” Hannah reassured her, stepping backwards towards the door.

            When she exited the room, Hannah let out a heavy breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. Her body felt sore and tense. She rubbed her hands on her face and through her hair, mustering up the strength to find a payphone.

            “Hey, hang in there,” a voice said.

            Hannah looked up and she saw a woman holding a small child in a hospital gown, sleeping on her shoulder.

            “It’s rough when your kids are sick,” the woman said. “When they suffer, we suffer. But just hang in there.”

            “Yeah,” Hannah sighed. “Yeah. Thank you.”

            The woman smiled. “The coffee machine is past the nurse’s station to the left. You look like you need it.”

            “Oh God, yeah, I do. Thank you again.”

            Hannah made a beeline for the coffee machine, making sure she had enough change for that and a phone call.  

Chapter Text

            By the time Hannah got back to Natalie’s room, she found her fast asleep. Tube coming out of her nose with yellow-tinted formula traveling to her stomach. Thumb in her mouth and hair falling into her face. Part of the pale blue, polka-dot hospital gown on her shoulder peeked out of the blanket. The Little Mermaid was playing on her TV.

            Hannah let out a heavy sigh, setting down her cup of coffee that was already getting cool. She was relieved Nat was asleep. She could find some peace there at least. Hannah was also selfishly grateful for a reprieve from constantly soothing her, and listening to her cry.

            She plopped into the chair beside Nat’s bed, allowing the exhaustion of her brain and body stretch its legs. She could fall asleep now too if she let herself. Hannah glanced at the TV screen and sipped her coffee. She’d only seen this movie once, years ago; Alex didn’t like it. She’d said it was boring, but really, Hannah knew it was because she was scared of Ursula. She looked at Natalie sleeping, thinking about all the things that scared her. Alex had the luxury of being afraid of cartoon villains. Natalie had so much to be scared of. Real things. Real people. True horror.

The day had been so hectic that Hannah hadn’t had time to truly digest what Michelle told her earlier, about all the marks on Nat’s body. “They’re almost certainly scars from child abuse.” The words echoed in her head. Scars from child abuse. What happened to Natalie? Who hurt her? Who didn’t protect her? How old was she when it happened?

Hannah looked at Natalie again. She’s just a kid… How could anyone hurt a child so badly they have scars? And how could anyone hurt this child? Natalie was rough around the edges, and had a sharp tongue. But she was loving, brave, kind, and just, when she seemingly had no right to be. After all, wouldn’t an abused child have less of a reason to be kind and fair to others? It made Hannah love Natalie all the more, knowing she was still that good when she spent her childhood suffering.

She felt like she did Saturday when she found Nat sleeping, like she was seeing her for the first time. Saturday. My god. Was that only three days ago? It felt like a year.

“Hey,” a voice whispered.

Hannah turned her head and saw Michelle.

“I have a break now. Want to come with me and talk?”

Hannah didn’t want to leave Natalie. Even if she was asleep, she must’ve unconsciously recognized her presence. She looked at Natalie, then back at Michelle. “I don’t want to leave her. Can we talk here?”

Michelle sighed and groaned lovingly. “Let me rephrase that. I want you to come with me and talk. Out of this room. To another location. Without Natalie—who is safely asleep in a hospital bed, hooked up to monitors and a steady stream of nutrition.”

Hannah threw her head back and smiled. “Okay, you convinced me.”

Michelle led Hannah down the hall to the elevator. “Have you eaten today?”

“I had some cereal and a banana for breakfast. And just got this,” she held up her cup of coffee.

“You need to eat. It’s nearly two o’clock. You’re recently recovered from malnutrition too, aren’t you?”

Hannah rolled her eyes. “Come on, Chelle. You can’t compare me to Natalie.”

“I wasn’t. I’m just saying that you need to eat too.”

Hannah looked down and sipped the remainder of her coffee. It was cold, unsatisfying. “I will,” she said softly.

Michelle put her arm around Hannah in a side hug as they entered the elevator.

“You did a really good job, and I’m not kidding. Most people would have no idea what to do with a kid like Natalie, but you’ve got great instincts.”

Hannah barked out a laugh. “Great instincts? You told me I nearly killed her earlier!”

Michelle sighed and dropped her arm off Hannah when the elevators opened. “No, I didn’t. I, well, I can see why you’d think that. I’ll admit I’m being a tad unprofessional here. It’s hard to do that with you, especially after…” Michelle trailed off, shaking her head. “I’m sorry if it seemed that way. I just felt a little blindsided, or like you purposely minimized her issues to me, so I did get a bit upset. This is why you’re not supposed to treat family or friends,” she raised an eyebrow towards her.

Hannah smirked self-consciously as they walked into the cafeteria. “Thank you for making an exception. This has been overwhelming. For all of us. But now I finally feel like Nat’s getting the help she needs. I know she’s being taken care of by people who know how to help her. And I don’t just mean medically.” She looked at Michelle as they picked up lunch trays and nervously scanned the selection of food on display.

“I’m glad I can help,” Michelle smiled, grabbing a plate. “You really have…taken on a challenge.”

Hannah eyed the salads and took one, not even looking too closely at what was in it. She swallowed, grabbing an orange. She looked at display of sandwiches and Michelle took one for herself. “The roast beef is good. Club sandwich is decent too. Tuna salad, eh,” she moved her hand from side to side.

“Do,” Hannah twisted her mouth to the side. “Do they have anything without meat?”

“Oh!” Michelle looked at Hannah in surprised embarrassment. “I didn’t even think to ask about that! You’re a vegetarian now?”

The normalcy with which she asked the question flooded Hannah with relief and she chuckled. “Yeah, sorry about that. Didn’t think to share it in all this.”

“Oh, no, don’t be sorry,” she went on. “I should’ve asked. There’s grilled cheese, and tomato soup. That was always a classic.” She smiled.

“Uh, yeah, I think the grilled cheese and salad are fine. And I have the orange too.”

Michelle took out her wallet. Hannah reached for hers too and Michelle gently pushed it away. “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m paying for it. I get a discount anyway.”  

Hannah sighed. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

The two took their food to a quiet corner of the cafeteria.

Hannah took a bite of her salad. It was a bit wilted.

Michelle watched her pensively. “How are you doing?” It came out slow, weighted, with a true desire to know the answer.

Hannah sighed with her entire body, poking at the lettuce on her plate. “Tired. Scared. Feeling like an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot.”

Hannah exhaled, shuddering with the desire to cry. “I feel like one.”

Michelle nodded while chewing. “I get that. But you knew enough to call me. To bring her here.”

“I guess,” she took another bite.

“Are you up for telling me how things have gone with her since you brought her home? Medically or otherwise. You really look like you need to vent.”

Hannah looked at Michelle and saw the concern in her dark green eyes. “I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this. I don’t have many people to talk to about anything, but…this stuff with Natalie is, I’m worried nobody will understand, or...”

“I’m listening.”

Hannah took a bite of her sandwich and considered what to tell her. “I’m flying by the seat of my pants, here. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not used to that. Even if I don’t know what I’m doing, I can always reference a book, a study, an expert… There’s no experts on people like Natalie,” she paused, looking at Michelle hopefully. “Are there?”

Michelle moved her head from side to side while chewing and pondering the question. “It’s hard to say. Depends on what you mean. She is a really unique case—this crash, living in the woods, plus whatever happened before that.”

Hannah’s stomach twisted at the idea of what was included in “before that”. “Exactly. Even you’re saying she’s ‘unique’. It’s like she’s unchartered waters and I’ve just got a dinghy boat and a telescope. Natalie is…not behaving how I expected.”

“What did you expect?”

Hannah thought for a moment. What did she expect? Bringing Natalie home was one of those things you only imagine in theory…too fuzzy around the edges to truly think out the logistics. “I guess I expected her to be…more like she was out there. When I met her.”

Michelle’s mouth turned up in a smirk. “What was she like?”

“Just…more mature? I mean, I could always tell she was scared. Who wouldn’t be? But she was a lot more…confident I guess? Take charge? I don’t know how to say it.”

“She was a survivor. By any means necessary.”

“Yes! She was. She is,” Hannah corrected herself.

Michelle ate the last bite of her sandwich and nodded. “You’re confused why she’s been acting like a baby since you brought her home, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, that had crossed my mind,” Hannah tilted her head with an air of sarcasm.

Michelle chuckled. “It is pretty common, like I said.”

“But why?” worry took over Hannah’s voice. “What’s happening to her?”

“She’s coping. She’s coping in the only way she knows how.”

Hannah looked at her dumbly, rubbing her thumb over her sandwich, causing tiny crumbs to fall onto the plate.

            Michelle took in a deep breath. “Have you ever…seen your daughter go through something really tough, or traumatic? Or a big life change?”

            Hannah’s eyebrows knitted together. “Yeah, of course. She took it really hard when Grandma Belle died.” A pang of grief hit Hannah square in the chest. Not as hard as I did though…

            “Grandma Belle was great,” Michelle added quickly, as if to salve the wound. “But how did she act? When it happened?”

            Hannah took a bitter bite of salad, weighing how much more she’d have to eat to avoid Michelle bugging her about “recovery” from malnutrition. “She was upset. We both were.”

            “Behaviors, Professor. Objective behaviors,” Michelle took a sip of her drink.

            “She cried. She cried a lot. She didn’t want to go to school. I let her stay home for a few days.”

            Michelle nodded. “What did you two spend those days doing?”

            Hannah’s eyebrow arched. “Um, watching TV mostly. Stayed in the house. Cuddled. We made some of Grandma Belle’s shortbread. We had dinner with Mom and Dad one night.”

            “Did she act any different than she would have normally?”

            “Yeah, she didn’t want to be away from me. She slept in my bed with me for a while. But she wasn’t barely eight, so she’d only been sleeping in her own bed every night for about two years.”

            Michelle’s expression melted. “You’re a co-sleeping mom?”

            Hannah’s cheeks colored at her tone of voice, and she swallowed a large bite of sandwich. “Yeah. I mean, I read up on the physical and psychological development of infant development when I was pregnant. I liked attachment theory. In an evolutionary sense, it’s the most natural thing for child development. Other mammals don’t-”

            “God, I missed you,” Michelle grinned.

            The joy on her friend’s face made Hannah drop her self-consciousness and smile back. “What?”

            “The fact that you considered human evolution and the behavior of other mammals when choosing parenting choices for your kid,” Michelle chuckled. “Anyway, this is what I’m getting at. Your daughter was acting a bit…needier and younger when she was grieving, right?”

            “You could say that.”

            “And I’m sure you’ve heard that during big life changes or trauma, kids can regress in behaviors. They may start crying more, wetting the bed, wanting to be close to their parents, all that.”

            “Yeah. Are you saying that applies to Natalie?”

            “You would be correct,” Michelle theatrically pointed at her. “Only…it’s a lot more intense with her because it doesn’t seem like she had a safe or loving foundation to grow from. What do you know about her childhood?”

            Nausea gurgled in Hannah’s throat at the thought. She swallowed. “She grew up really poor. I, we went to get her things from her mother’s place this weekend. It was a trailer park, and God it was filthy in that thing. Her mom was doing nothing but smoking and she was so fat and disgusting,” anger rose in her voice. She sighed, doing her best to stifle it. “She didn’t even care about Natalie being home. Didn’t hug her or kiss her. Didn’t even ask her how she was or say she’s happy she was alive! She treated her like an ex-husband picking up his stuff.”

            “Was she raised by her alone?”

            “No, she had a father too. But he died when she was fifteen. He accidentally shot himself while drunk, I think the story was.”

            Michelle raised her eyebrows. “Any brothers or sisters?”

            Hannah shook her head. “Just Natalie.” She paused, wringing a napkin in her hands. “Are you…sure those scars were from child abuse? You don’t think they could’ve happened from…sports? Or playing really rough?”

            Michelle cleared her throat uncomfortably. “I can’t ever say anything is for sure without confirmation. But my experience tells me….it’s very likely. And that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Or lead you to that conclusion at least. Children who have experienced trauma, especially abuse, often act younger than they are. That compounded with the plane crash and all that? It’s going to be an intense reaction.”

            Hannah’s shoulders slumped. “But what do I do about it?”

            “You meet her where she’s at,” Michelle leaned back against the chair and wiped her mouth. “Which you seem to be doing—giving her the blanket, holding and carrying her, letting her suck her thumb. As I said, you have good instincts.”         

            “But how? I’m just doing whatever makes her stop panicking in the moment.”

            “That’s…kind of it though. She needs nurturance, safety.”

            “But I’m clearly not giving it to her right! I swear I’ve barely had a moment this week where she’s not crying, fighting me on taking care of herself, and…then fucking vomiting everywhere or hurting herself. Even you said she’d probably have died soon in this state.” Hannah tossed her napkin onto her tray and took a long drink of soda.

            “You are though,” Michelle reassured her. “That’s why she’s acting like this. She knows she’s safe enough to act how she feels—scared, needy, vulnerable. She knows you’re safe, and either knows or hopes you’ll take care of her. Natalie’s probably spent most of her life in survival mode. She’s spent her whole life having to project that image. Strong, tough, unafraid. But now she has you to take care of her, so she’s letting those walls fall down. You’re seeing what’s left, what’s always been there.”

            Hannah’s throat went dry, even as the bubbling aftertaste of Pepsi lingered on her tongue. She had so many questions. So many worries. They all rolled in her mind growing in size like snowball rolling down a hill. “So…” she looked at her soda bottle and ran her finger along with rim. “I’m doing okay? Should I do anything differently?”

            “Be cautious. We can go over some other things later when I have more time. But just, meet her where she’s at. Keep cuddling her, let her watch Sesame Street, spoil her a little. Give her constant reassurance.”

            “For what?”

            “Everything!”

            Hannah sighed. “I’ve been trying to. I feel like I have a baby again. I’ve had to dress her, handfeed her, bathe her, sing her to sleep…” She shook her head.

            “You kind of do, Hannah. But a more complicated one, because she still has the intellect of a teenager.”

            Hannah covered her face and moaned. “This is so complicated.”

            “Hey, hang in there. Like I said you’re doing-” Michelle’s beeper interrupted them, and she pulled it off her belt loop. “Duty calls.” She waved it in the air. “Come on.” She took her tray and tossed out the trash. “You’re managing okay. And I’m here now.”

            “Dr. Michelle Boland, please report to pediatric inpatient on floor two. Dr. Boland, please report to floor two,” the hospital intercom blared.

            “Ah, shit. It’s serious then,” Michelle’s pace quickened to the elevators where she triple-pressed the button.

            Hannah’s chest tightened. “Do you think it’s Natalie? What if she woke up and freaked out? The last hospital said she had an issue with wandering…”  

            “She what?” Michelle’s eyes grew, but she waved her hand dismissively to their mutual alarm. The elevator doors opened, and she pressed the “two”. “I’ve got lots of patients, Hannah. Could be any of them.”

            Hannah’s stomach stayed on the ground floor with the cafeteria as the elevator rose two floors and opened with a too-happy “ding”.

            Michelle rushed out, her stethoscope bouncing around her neck. Hannah followed on her heels, feeling herself floating distantly until she heard a familiar voice.

            “FUCK OFF! GET AWAY!”

            Oh shit… Hannah broke into a jog towards Natalie’s room, arriving a few seconds before Michelle.

            Nat stood shakily in the hall, holding her IV pole with her feed bag swinging, brandishing it at the nurses like a weapon.

            “Natalie!” Hannah shouted in shock.

            In an instant, Nat’s rage dissolved. Her eyes locked on Hannah and her expression crumbled. “Hannah,” she whimpered. “Hannah.”

            “Baby, WHAT are you doing?” Hannah rushed to Nat and held her face.

            A tear fell down her face and her lip trembled. “Where you go?”

            Hannah’s shoulders sunk. “Natalie…did you do this because I wasn’t in your room when you woke up?”

            Nat hung her head and let out a small cry and sniffle.

            “Oh baby,” Hannah wrapped her arms around Natalie and she fell with all her weight on her, sobbing into her shoulder.

            “I sorry,” Nat sobbed. “Sorry, sorry. No leave…please no leave. Sorry, being bad. Please…”

            Hannah held her and stroked her hair. “I’m not leaving, Nat. I just went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.” She eyed Michelle (who was looking rather guilty) with annoyance. “Let’s get you back in bed, sweetheart. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

            Nat cried and clung to Hannah, as she led her back to her room.

            Dr. Boland let out a defeated sigh and looked at Ellen. “Go tell Greg to get a crib. The biggest we have.”

            Alex hopped off the school bus hard enough that she felt the impact tingle in her feet. The pavement was wet from the rain earlier in the day, sky still pale gray and overcast. She hoped Natalie’s doctor’s appointment went well, that they’d find a way to make her gain weight and get better already. And maybe that would improve her mood… She’d been crabby even when Alex went out of her way to be nice.

            With a kick of a pebble on the sidewalk, Alex turned the corner to her house. Grandma’s car was in the driveway. Mom’s was not. Terror jerked all the air out of Alex’s lungs. Why wasn’t Mom home? What was wrong?

            Alex broke into a sprint, her backpack bouncing with weight pressing into her shoulders. She leapt over a bump in the sidewalk from an overgrown tree root, and was panting by the time and reached the front door.

            “Grandma!” she shouted, flinging the door open. “Where’s Mom? Is she okay?” She shoved the door closed with a slam.

            The air smelled of freshly baked brownies, and Alex’s sense of dread intensified. That’s what it smelled like when Grandma and Grandpa had gently told her, “The university hasn’t heard from your mom in a week…”

            “I’m right here!” Grandma came out of the kitchen. “Mom’s okay,” she reassured her quickly, and Alex could breathe again. “She called me from the hospital. Natalie’s not doing very well…they decided to keep her there, and your mom wanted to stay with her while they ran some tests. She told me to be here when you got home.”

            “Oh.” Her worst fear was assuaged—Mom was fine, but this wasn’t good news either. “Why is Natalie staying at the hospital?”

            “Your mother didn’t say exactly. Just that her condition is a bit worse than she thought, so Michelle wants her to stay.”

            “Oh.” Alex dropped her backpack on the ground. It hit with a thud and the alarm on the oven went off.

            “Gotta get the brownies! I put peanut butter chips in them just how you like them,” Grandma smiled at her.

            Alex sighed, and plopped onto the couch. She didn’t care about the brownies that much. Not really. I mean, she’d have at least one. But what was going on with Natalie? Alex was worried, but also somewhat grateful she would get Mom back to herself for a few days. Sure, she was…fine having Nat in her house. She had to move all her books and a lot of stuff out of the spare room but…that was okay. She’d saved Mom after all. Alex needed to give her the treatment she deserved for that. But Nat was…not what she expected.

            “Do you have any homework?” Grandma asked.

            “Huh?” Alex looked up. “Oh, I’ve got some vocabulary words to write out. And a math worksheet. It shouldn’t take too long. I did my social studies on the bus.”

            “What would you like for dinner? Mom didn’t say what time she’d be home, but she’ll probably be too tired to cook.”

            Alex still felt the weight of the fear from earlier dissipating. It was hard to focus on what Grandma said. “It, it doesn’t matter.”

            Grandma started droning on about different food items. Alex nodded, not processing it at all. How was Mom doing? How was Natalie doing? Nat must be scared. She looked terrified yesterday when Alex snuck into her room. It was weird, having someone so much older afraid of her. Alex hadn’t spent a lot of time with older kids, but some of her friends had older siblings, and she regularly watched plenty of shows with teenagers. She was pretty sure it wasn’t normal that Nat reacted how she did, almost like she was younger than Alex. But she still felt guilty about yelling at Nat, making her cry and throw up. Maybe she was part of the reason Nat had to stay in the hospital? Alex swallowed hard. She had to make it up to her a little if that was the case, try to give her a distraction, make her comfortable.

            “Can we go see her?” Alex said suddenly, interrupting Grandma’s monologue about vegetables.

            “What?”

            “Natalie. Can we go see her at the hospital? I wanted to maybe bring her some things. To cheer her up. It must get boring in the hospital.”

            Grandma’s face looked warm with love, and she kissed Alex on the cheek. “You’re such a darling. I think we can…just do your homework quick and we can go.”

            “Okay!” Alex grabbed her backpack and dragged it into her room. She shut the door loudly and pulled out her folders and notebooks. She grabbed her math worksheet on geometry and sped through it, planning to check the answers on the bus in the morning. The vocabulary was too easy…all she had to do was copy the word and write out the definition written in the glossary of her English book. Her fingers flew, and she may have condensed some of the words, but it all got done quickly. Enough at least.

            “I’m done, Grandma! I’m going to get some things to bring Natalie in the hospital. And can we stop at the store?”

            “You’re done already?!”

            “I’m a fast learner!” Alex beamed. “So can we go to the store?”

            “I suppose,” she paused. “What did you want to get her?”

            “Um, just some stuff to pass the time? Maybe a get-well gift?”

            “You really have the most charitable heart, Alex. I thank God every day for you.” Grandma’s voice was kind and loving, but mostly annoying.

            Alex rolled her eyes. “Thanks. Can we go now?”

Chapter Text

Natalie finally relaxed in Hannah’s arms. She was drowning out the sound of everything around her and trying to focus on the good things. The vibration of Hannah’s heartbeat under her ear. The feeling of Hannah’s arms protectively around her. The scent of Hannah’s hair and how it felt in her fingers. Even the material of Hannah’s shirt and her blankie against her face.

            The buzzing in Nat’s mind was subsiding. The panic and anger was so overwhelming when Hannah wasn’t there. But she was here now, and she made it better. Hannah’s fingers gently raked through Nat’s hair against her scalp and she shivered.

            “You okay, sweetheart?”   

            “Tickles,” Nat smiled, pushing her face into Hannah.

            “Hm, you better be careful when you’re all better if you’re ticklish,” Hannah gently tickled beneath Nat’s neck and she scrunched up.

“Nooo,” Nat giggled. “Get you back,” Nat tickled Hannah’s neck with clumsy fingers in response.

            Hannah laughed and ran her finger along Nat’s nose. “You did get me silly goose, didn’t you?”

            Nat smiled bashfully and bit her lip, covering her face. She pulled her hand away frowning, scratching at the tape holding the feeding tube against her cheek.

            “No, no, baby,” Hannah held her hand. “Leave it alone. That’s got to stay where it is.”

            Nat whined, “Itchy.”

            “I bet it is. But you need it to eat and get better.”

            Natalie grunted and gripped Hannah’s shirt collar instead of pulling at her tube.

            Hannah kissed the top of her head. “I know it’s uncomfortable. You’re being such a good girl when so much hurts and feels uncomfortable now.”

            Nat tucked her head under Hannah’s chin and sucked her thumb. It felt nice to be praised and given so much attention, but Natalie was still confused what it meant to be good for Hannah. She’d have gotten the thrashing of her life from Mommy or Daddy if they saw how she behaved. But she got kisses, cuddles, videos, and toys from Hannah and the hospital staff all day. She figured it might be because there aren’t many punishments at the hospital, and she might get it later at home. But she would just enjoy what she got now, it would be worth it in the end.

            Her brain still felt floaty from the Xanax, and she could faintly hear Ariel singing on the TV. Approaching footsteps on the tile floor snapped Nat’s eyes open, and she saw Dr. Boland in front of her. She tensed up and wrapped both her arms around Hannah’s neck. She didn’t want another test. She didn’t want to anything else put in her body or to go into anymore scary machines. She almost started crying at the idea of more medical procedures.

            “Hey, Natalie,” Dr. Boland said kindly, sitting in the chair beside her bed.

            Nat covered her face with her blanket.

            “I know, baby girl, it’s been a long day. I’m not here to do anything else to you right now.”

            Nat peeked from behind her blanket.

            “I came to tell you something. I just want you to listen. Can we do listening ears?”  

            Nat squirmed against Hannah, but didn’t respond.

            “You got scared when Hannah left earlier, huh?”

            Nat held onto Hannah tighter and nodded slightly.

            “It is very scary when a safe person isn’t there when you’re in a new place. But you got out of bed when you’re not supposed to. That’s very dangerous right now, Natalie. You could’ve fallen again or gotten hurt worse. And we still need to talk about what’s going on with your body when you’re more awake. But it’s my job to protect you from being hurt, and help you heal, you understand?”

            Nat nodded, anxious about where this was going. Maybe she was in trouble. She looked at Hannah briefly, hoping she wouldn’t let the doctor be too harsh on her.

            “You can’t climb out of bed whenever you want. So, I’m going to need to prevent that to keep you safe.”

            Nat trembled at the idea. Was she going to be tied up? She whimpered and tugged on Hannah’s shirt.

            “It’s okay, baby,” Hannah soothed, stroking her hair and brushing it out of her face.

            Nat inhaled slowly. Hannah was here. Hannah would make it okay.

            Dr. Boland smiled at Hannah and looked back at Nat. “You’re going to get a new bed to keep you safe. We can keep this one in here so you can get cuddles with Hannah, but when you’re alone you’ll be in your new bed.”

            Natalie eyed her suspiciously, and looked at Hannah. “Bed punish?”

            “You’re not being punished,” Dr. Boland added before Hannah could.

            Nat looked back and tried to make herself smaller against Hannah.

            “Sometimes baby things make it feel safer, right?” Dr. Boland whispered. “Like your thumb and your blankie help when it’s scary?”

            Natalie flushed and hid her face, ashamed about how she was so obviously being a pathetic baby.

            “Ellen’s going to bring in a special crib for you, angel. Where you can be safe inside and won’t get hurt.”

            Nat’s eyebrows knitted together in a disbelieving frown. She wouldn’t fit into a crib. She was too big. And she was a big girl! She didn’t belong in a crib. Natalie glared at Dr. Boland and hugged her blanket, feeling insulted.

            “It’s not a punishment,” Dr. Boland repeated. “It’s just to keep you safe. And we even got you the racecar one since you like cars,” Dr. Boland’s voice raised a bit as she said that, and the loud sound of wheels and metal jankled into Nat’s room.

            Natalie gasped at the size of it. A crib that looked like it could fit a fully grown man rolled into the room. Each end was painted like a red racecar, and there were shiny metal bars on either side, with tall, clear vinyl panels reaching towards the ceiling.

            “Look baby, it’s just like your red corvette. That’s a racecar, right?” Hannah ran her thumb over Nat’s shoulder.

             Nat moaned in protest and the crib was placed parallel to her big girl bed. It looked scary at this angle. It reminded her of the cages for circus animals on the animal cracker box. She didn’t like the idea of being in a cage.

             Ellen came from the other side of the crib and held out a doll wearing a hospital gown. “Will you hold Mandy for me?”

            Natalie looked at Hannah worriedly, but she nodded. “You can take the doll, sweetheart.”

            She reached her arm out and took the doll, hugging to her face. The doll’s body was soft, but her arms, legs, and face were harder.

            Ellen pulled a string that raised the clear vinyl above the bars of the crib. It sat scrunched at the top like a set of blinds. Then she lowered the metal bars down so one side was open. It didn’t look too bad now…almost like a day bed. Lottie had one of those in a fancy guest room with more pillows than Nat could count. Nat lifted her head and saw there was also a play dashboard and steering wheel placed at the foot of the crib.  

            Ellen smiled and put her hands out. “Okay, I need to put Mandy in the crib now.”

            Nat hugged the doll tighter. She didn’t know her, but it was still scary to go in alone.

            “Come on, baby,” Hannah shifted and tried to pull Nat into a sitting position. “Can you give the dolly to Ellen?”

            “She’ll be really safe in the crib,” Dr. Boland added.

            Safe sounded nice. But what if it was a trick?

            “You know what?” Hannah said, stroking Nat’s hair. “I think I want to hold her and help her into the crib.”

            Nat whined as Hannah pulled away and slipped out of the bed. “Can I have her?” she asked.

            Mandy was tightly clutched in Nat’s arms, and she looked at the doll’s face, considering it. Hannah wouldn’t do anything bad… She slowly placed the doll into Hannah’s hands.

            “Thank you, sweetheart,” Hannah kissed Nat’s forehead.

            Natalie sucked her thumb as she watched Hannah hug the doll Mandy and turn towards the gargantuan crib. Hannah gently laid the doll down and put a baby blanket over her, white with two blue stripes. Mandy looked very tiny and alone lying there.

            “She’s being very brave,” Dr. Boland said, pointing to Mandy.

            Nat felt silly. She knew this was a game--a game for a baby. But she wanted that doll back, and she was curious about the crib.

            “Ready to give it a try?” Dr. Boland bent towards Nat.

            It was still scary, so Natalie pulled away.

            “We can put things for you to hold and play with,” Ellen said gently. “And we can turn the open side so you can watch your TV.” She placed Natalie’s Matchbox cars in the crib. Nat wanted them back.

            “My cars!” Nat whined, pushing herself into a sitting position.

            “Want your cars, baby?” Hannah asked.

            Nat nodded.

            “And the Mandy doll?”

Nat looked at the toys in the crib and nodded again.

Hannah put her hands out. “Come on.”

Natalie anxiously looked around the room. Ellen, Dr. Boland and Hannah were all being nice. No loud voices, no scoldings, no threats, no smacks. “No punish?” she asked in a tiny voice.

“Pinky promise it’s not a punishment,” Hannah wrapped her pinky around Nat’s.

            Natalie nodded, whimpering softly.

            “Up we go,” Hannah said, slipping her arms under Nat’s thighs and lower back to lift her up and place her in the crib.

            Nat gasped when the cool air hit her body and the doll was placed in her arms. “Cold,” she whined, grabbing her blanket and the one on Mandy.

            “We have allll the blankets ready for you, angel,” Dr. Boland smiled as she pulled some out with Ellen to tuck Nat into her crib.

            “And look, you can move part of it up, so you don’t have to lie flat if you don’t want.” Ellen pressed a button and the top part of the mattress pushed forward until Nat was at a thirty-degree angle.

            Anxiety was still strong in Nat’s mind as she sucked her thumb and looked through the bars of her crib and up at how high the vinyl went on the other side. It made her feel very small. It was scary but…also kind of cozy. Like being under the bed, just flipped to the side.  

            Hannah’s hand brushed Nat’s hair and along her hairline. Natalie closed her eyes and hummed with contentment. Hannah was so nice to her. Nat loved her so much.

            “How is Mandy doing?” Dr. Boland asked.

            Nat opened her eyes and observed the doll’s face. “Scared. Wants go home.” She paused, turning her head as Hannah ran her fingers along her forehead. “Wants her mommy…” Nat put her fingertip on Mandy’s painted-on eye, and dragged it down her cheek.   

            “Do you want to be Mandy’s mommy?” Dr. Boland asked. “You want to keep her?”

            Nat squirmed, gaping at the doctor suspiciously. “Hafta do anything for it?”

“No,” Dr. Boland shook her head. “I just want you to have Mandy because I know you’ll take good care of her.”

Nat smiled and hugged the doll, then looked at Hannah questioningly.  

            Hannah looked happy, and she was still running her fingers along Nat’s forehead. “You can keep the doll if you want to, sweetheart.”

            Natalie grinned and squealed happily, hugging the doll and kicking her feet.

            “You got lots of nice rewards for being so brave today, didn’t you?”

            Nat nodded, running her fingers through her new doll’s hair.

            “Did you say ‘thank you’ to Ellen and Dr. Boland for your doll?” Hannah asked her.

            Nat paused nervously and looked at her, shaking her head. She was being rude, she couldn’t be rude.

            “Thank you…” she said softly, then looked to Hannah to make sure she did it right.

Hannah smiled, so she must’ve done good.

“Do you want to drive the racecar?” Ellen held out the play dashboard.

Nat’s eyes lit up and she reached for it, the doll falling to the side. She put Mandy beside her as she sat up and pulled the dashboard to her lap. She pressed the horn and it beeped, making her giggle.

She moved the steering wheel to the side and groaned out a revving car sound. She turned it the other way and pushed her foot down like she was pinning the pedal.

“How fast are you going?” Dr. Boland asked. “I heard Corvettes can go really fast!”

“Two hundred miles per hour!”

“Wow! That’s really fast!” Hannah said excitedly.

Nat nodding, not reacting as Ellen slid the bars of her crib around her on the open side. “Yeah!” she agreed. “I’ve only gone 108! 200 is TWICE that fast!” Her eyes gleamed as she turned the steering wheel hard, speeding down an imaginary roadway.

The three women in the room looked at each other in shocked amusement.

Nat felt the crib jerk forward and gasped when it kept moving.

“Keep your foot on the gas, Nat! Or you’ll stop the car!” Dr. Boland yelled.

It took a moment for Nat to realize what was happening and she sat up a little straighter. She made an accelerating sound effect and beeped the horn.

The crib was pushed forward, and it gained a little speed when they were in the hall. Nat giggled and kept making car noises as she was pushed up and around the hallway, some nurses and cleaning people waving as she went by.

Nat was wheeled back into her room and the crib parked beside her bed again.

“Whew!” Dr. Boland pretended to wipe her brow. “You’re one fast driver!”

Nat laughed and blushed a little, somewhat embarrassed they were playing this game. But it was fun. “Thank you,” she said softly, looking at all three of them.

            Alex shifted from foot to foot nervously in the elevator. She did it so hard it almost felt like the elevator was shaking.

            “You have ants in your pants?” Grandma joked.

            Alex smiled, but wanted to groan. Grandma still treated her like she was little, and it was annoying. But it made Grandma happy when she obliged her. Plus, she got huffy when Alex pointed out she was nearly eleven, and she didn’t want to start an argument now.

            The elevator doors opened, and Alex briskly walked out, checking the numbers on the hospital rooms. The “Get Well” balloons in her hand resisted against her forward movement.

            “Don’t go so fast!” Grandma broke into a trot to keep up.

            “I’m not,” Alex responded, slightly slowing her step.

            She spotted the 204 outside one of the doors, and knocked on it.

            “Come in!” her mother’s voice answered.

            Alex opened the door and walked in with her grandmother. The room looked cramped, with the largest crib she’d ever seen in her life, and Nat cuddled up to her mom in a hospital bed. She looked scared, practically ducking down to hide herself. Alex saw a long tube attached to an IV bag lead into her nose. She couldn’t remember seeing anyone young look so frail. Grandma Belle looked really weak and skinny near the end, and had the oxygen tubes in her nose, but this was different.

            “Hi Natalie! Hi Mom!” Alex said brightly, doing her best to hide her nervousness.

            “Hey gooseberry!” Hannah got up and gave her a hug.

            Alex hugged her tighter than normal. She still couldn’t believe she spent months thinking she’d never get a hug from Mom again.  

            “Hello Natalie,” Grandma said softly. “I’m Hannah’s mother Jean. How are you feeling?”

            Nat’s eyes were large, and she fidgeted with Grandma Belle’s blanket she seemed to have claimed. “Hi,” she said softly.

            “Nat’s pretty exhausted,” Hannah said to her mother. “And still a little loopy from the procedures,” she whispered.

            “Oh,” Jean slightly nodded in recognition and smiled at Natalie again. “I won’t both you with questions, but I just wanted to thank you so much for,” her voice broke. “For bringing Hannah home to us.”

            Nat nodded. She still looked nervous. It was weird, because Grandma was being really nice, and rather emotional…which wasn’t normal for her either.

            “I brought you some stuff, Natalie,” Alex started, pulling off her backpack. “Do you want to see?”

            Nat still looked anxious, and glanced towards Hannah.

            “You can,” she said. (Weird). “I think I’m going to go talk to my mom for a bit and see if Michelle is around so she can say hello. Will you be okay with Alex?”

            Natalie chewed her lip and nodded.

            “And no getting out of bed!” Mom smiled at her, then turned towards Alex. “Nat isn’t allowed to get out of bed right now. If she has to use the bathroom or anything, you just call the nurse on the button, okay?”

            “Uh, yeah, sure.” Alex walked closer to Nat’s bed.

            Mom kissed Nat’s head then hers on the way out the door. “I’ll be back in a little while,” she said, looking directly at Nat while she did.

            As Alex tried to understand the odd behavior her mother displayed around Natalie (who also acted exceptionally odd), she and her grandmother exited the room.

            Natalie watched the door and looked uncomfortable, gripping her blanket in both fists.

            “I brought you some stuff!” Alex repeated, hoping to this would snap her out of it.

            “Really did?”

            “Yeah! Of course.” Alex unzipped her backpack and pulled out a plush llama. “I didn’t know what your favorite animal was, but plain teddy bears can be boring, and not everyone likes cats or dogs, and I would choose a reptile, but a lot of people don’t like them. This llama was different and really cute, I thought, so I hoped maybe you’d like it too.” She ended her last sentence with the upward lilt of a question.

            Natalie shyly smiled with a closed mouth, her hands loosening the grip on the blanket. “Thank you. I like it, it’s cute.”

            Alex smiled with relief and handed it to Natalie. Nat brushed her long, skinny fingers along its plush white fur. “What’ll you name it?”

             Nat looked up, uncertain. “Don’t know…” she paused. “What would you name it?”

            “Hm,” Alex thought for a moment, leaning against Nat’s bed. “First you need to decide if it’s a boy or a girl llama.”

            Nat nodded, stroking the toy along its long neck. “I think a boy.”

            “Okay! So boy names. You can do silly names, people names, more pet names or something. Oh! And sometimes you can make it have to do with what they are or how they look, or with the same letters as their species. Like it could be because he’s a llama or he’s white and fuzzy or has a long neck…”

            Nat gaped at Alex with wide eyes and gently squeezed the toy. “Um…it could start with an L, I guess.”

            “Okay, L’s!” Alex thought for a moment, looking at the ceiling. “Leonard, Lennox, Linus…no that’s a character in the Peanuts, I don’t know if you want that. Liam, Larry, Lazslo…”

            “Um,” Nat paused, looking from Alex to the toy. “I guess Lazslo is funny?”

            “That’s a good choice!” Alex’s face lit up. “Lazslo the llama. It has a good ring to it.”

            Natalie nodded and gave her new llama a hug. “Thank you, Alex.”

            “You’re welcome! And I got you some other stuff too.” She dug into her backpack pulling out various items. “I brought the cup with the squiggle straw you really like. And some coloring books in case you got bored, and markers. I colored some of the pages already, but there’s still plenty open. And if any of my markers are running out of ink we can get more. I also brought the Roger Rabbit video you liked…and I brought one Rugrats video too because I think you liked that too. It’s the vacation episodes. I’d have brought more videos but I don’t know what other movies you like. Just tell me others and I’ll bring them in. We also have lots of books if you want to read. Oh! I got a word search book too. And um…” Alex suddenly felt self-conscious.

            Natalie looked at the contents piled in her lap with awe. “You got me a lot…”

            “It’s not that much! Just a few things to keep from being bored but um…”

            “What?”

            “I got you one other thing. It might, it might be stupid? It’s okay if you don’t want it.”

            “What is it?”

            Alex reached into the bottom of her backpack and pulled out a thin, unopened package. Natalie took it and saw a green teething ring in the shape of a bear, with a hole in the center. She looked at Alex questioningly.

            “Because um, because you’re teething your wisdom teeth. I thought, I thought that might make it feel better if you want something to chew.”

            Natalie was silent, looking at her new teether and everything else Alex piled on the bed. “Really all for me?”

            “Yeah,” Alex smiled. “I wanted to make sure you had something to do and, to make you feel better.”

            “You’re really nice,” Nat said, llama clutched against her. “Where did you get this?” Nat asked, holding up the teether.

            “We went to the store. Grandma didn’t know I got it,” she whispered. “I thought she might think it was weird.”

            Nat’s eyebrows shot up. “You lifted it?”

            “Lifted it?”

            Nat looked at Alex curiously. Alex wondered if maybe the drugs were affecting her so she couldn’t think properly. Mom had said that’s what happened to Grandma Belle sometimes.

            The silence grew between them.

“You stole it for me?” Nat asked.  

Alex’s jaw dropped in shock. “No! I don’t steal! Why would you ever think I’d steal it?!”

Nat shrunk back, hugging her llama. “…Sorry.”

“But why would you think I’d steal it? I just waited ‘til Grandma was in the back looking at other stuff and I bought it myself.”

Nat fidgeted with her llama and looked at Alex nervously, shrugging. “Sorry.”

She looked so worried, like a little kid being told off. “It’s okay…But I’ve never steal, or do anything like that. It’s illegal!”

 Nat nodded.

Alex inhaled and struggled to think of what else to say. She glanced at the crib beside them. “Is there a giant baby in the room with you too?” she chuckled.

Nat shook her head.

“Weird. I didn’t know they made cribs this big. Did you?”

Nat shook her head again.

“Are they going to put someone else in with you? In that?”

“Dunno,” she looked away, running her finger along the packaging of her teether.

Alex watched her. “Do you want me to open that for you? And wash it? Maybe I can put it in the little fridge for you to make it cold. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be cold.”

Nat nodded and handed it to Alex.

Alex ripped it open with the loud crinkle of plastic, and tossed the packaging in the trash. She rinsed it off in the room sink and slipped it into the mini-fridge below. “There, it’ll probably be cold in an hour or something.”

            Nat nodded.

            Now what? Alex hoped Mom and Grandma wouldn’t be too long if it was still like pulling teeth getting Natalie to interact.

            “I’ll put a video on!” she pulled the orange tape out of the video sleeve. “Is the Rugrats one okay? Since we just watched Roger Rabbit the other night?”

            Natalie nodded. “Rugrats okay.”

            Alex ejected the last video from the VCR and pushed hers in, pressing play. She walked back to the bed and leaned on it, something hard making her hand slip. “What’s that?”

            Natalie looked worried, like she’d been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to. But she pulled the blanket aside to reveal a doll in a hospital gown. “Mandy…” she said nervously. “Dr. Boland gave her to me.”

            “Awww, that was nice of her! And she’s wearing a hospital dress just like you.”

            Natalie smiled. “Yeah, Dr. Boland nice. And Mandy’s good. I like her.” She pulled the doll into her lap to sit with Lazslo.

            “I don’t have dolls that much anymore. I like stuffed animals better. Do you like dolls better?”

            Nat looked at the two toys in her arms and shrugged. “Like both.”

            Alex nodded as the theme song on the video started. “Want to color?”

            Natalie looked at the books and nodded.

            “Do you want the Disney one or Lisa Frank?” Alex held them up.

            “Lisa Frank!” Nat’s face lit up and she took the book.

            Alex smiled in return. “Okay, you take that one.”

            The girls took their books, periodically watching the show and looking at each other’s progress on their pictures, commenting on different colors.

Chapter Text

            This was fun. Natalie colored the leopard in her coloring book hot pink as she watched Alex color one of The Lion King.

            “Lion King is your favorite?” Nat asked, remembering the bowls at the house.

            “Yeah, I like the Disney movies with animals best.”

            “I watched The Little Mermaid before,” Nat smiled.

            “Oh,” Alex scrunched up her nose. “I don’t like the princess ones much.”  

            “Why not?”

            “They’re boring. All the girls having to do stuff for stupid princes,” Alex rolled her eyes.

            “Oh,” Nat picked up hunter green to color the leaves on her page.

            “Knock, knock,” Ellen interrupted, walking into the room. Both girls looked at her, Nat growing worried. “It’s time to flush out your tube, Natalie. You’ve had that done before, right?”

            Nat whimpered and nodded, hugging her blanket.

            Ellen filled the syringe with saline solution and Alex looked at her and Nat nervously. “Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Ellen. What’s your name?”

“Alex,” she watched Nat’s squirm with discomfort. “What does that do?”

            “This is cleaning out the feeding tube Nat has right now. We need to keep it clean so it doesn’t get clogged and keeps working properly.”

            “The tube in her nose?”

            “That’s right, the tube goes from her nose down all the way to her stomach.”

            Alex looked at Nat. It made Nat feel like a freak, and a few tears fell down her face. She quickly tried to wipe them away as Ellen hooked the syringe up to the tube.

            “Does it hurt?” Alex asked with trepidation, looking to both Nat and Ellen.

            Ellen paused, looking at Nat too, not wanting to answer for her. But Nat had her face buried in the blanket. “Most patients don’t say it hurts, but I can let Nat answer for herself.”

            “Feels weird,” she sniffed. “Don’t like it.”

            “I know, dear but it just takes a few minutes, all right? And you have your friend right here too.”

            “It’ll be okay, Nat,” Alex tried.

            “I’m about to flush it out now Natalie, you ready?”

            Nat nodded, sniffling along. The cold, uncomfortable sensation coursed through her body and she moaned, wiggling a little.

            “Why don’t you hold her hand?” Ellen whispered to Alex.

            Alex nodded and put her hand into Natalie’s. “It’s okay, I’m here. Do you want me to do anything for you?”

            Nat shook her head and kept it hidden, but held Alex’s hand, squeezing it. She really wanted to suck her thumb, but didn’t want to in front of Alex.

            “You’re doing so well,” Ellen said kindly. “Did you show Alex your cars that you got for being really brave today?”

            Nat shook her head and looked at Alex, embarrassment creeping up her neck.

            “Cars?”

            “Yeah,” Ellen started. “Natalie got two little cars there, and she knows a lot about cars. Their make and model and everything.”

            Nat’s cheeks burned as she looked at Alex.

            “You can show me,” Alex smiled. “I don’t like to play with cars or have any, but it’s cool that you do.”

            Natalie started to uncover her face and pulled the two little cars off her nightstand and onto the bed.

            Alex nodded. “Those are nice. My cousins like Hot Wheels. I’ve gotten one cars like that for his birthday with Mom.”

            Nat nodded. Talking was difficult.

            “We can play cars if you want to sometimes,” Alex offered.

            That was so nice. Alex was really nice, just like Hannah. Nat squeezed her hand and shyly smiled. “Would like that.”

            “All done!” Ellen said, unhooking the syringe.

            Nat let out a sigh of relief. The medical things were easier here when people were kind to her. Even if it hurt and felt yucky and uncomfortable.

            “Hey girls,” Hannah knocked on the door and peeked in. “Can we come in?”

            Nat smiled. Hannah was back! She forgot about her upset with the tube and wanted to show Hannah everything Alex brought her. She thought it would make Hannah happy they were playing nice too. “Hannah, come see!”

            Just as Nat suspected, Hannah beamed as she walked over. But Nat got self-conscious when she saw Hannah’s mother Jean and Dr. Boland come in after her.

            “What do you want to show me, sweetie?”

            The words left Nat’s mind, but she held up Laszlo. “Alex got…”

            “Oh, that’s so cute! And that was really sweet of you, honey,” she looked at Alex.

            “It was nothing!” Alex said lightly. “And I brought a bunch of stuff for her to keep busy when she’s here too.”

            Nat felt the eyes of Hannah’s mother on her, and she wanted to hide her toys and coloring books under the blanket. She looked like a very serious person. Like a teacher who always gives homework, even on the weekends.

            “So,” Hannah began slowly, looking at Alex. “Michelle wants to talk to Nat privately about some medical things. And it’s getting close to dinnertime so I thought you, me and Grandma could grab a bite to eat while they do that.”

            “Okay!” Alex said brightly. “I saw a Friendly’s on the way, can we go there? I want to get-”

            As Alex prattled on in her typical fashion, Nat fought the tears coming to her eyes. She didn’t want Hannah to leave again. She didn’t want to hear about medical things from the doctor, especially alone.

            Natalie chewed on her nail, to avoid to sucking her thumb and crying for Hannah to pick her up and take her with them. She didn’t have to eat, she could just sit quietly and be good while they did.

            “I’ll come back afterwards to say goodnight, okay?” Hannah said to Natalie, leaning down to give her a hug.

            “You promise?” Nat squeaked in her ear. “Come back?”

            “I promise, baby,” she kissed Nat’s temple. “Michelle and Ellen are here for you too, okay?”

            Nat nodded, still holding in her tears as she waved to Hannah and her family.

            Dr. Boland pulled a chair up and sat next to Nat. It made Nat nervous. She held her blanket, Laszlo and Mandy tightly, blocking her face. A few tears leaked out of her eyes and into Laszlo’s fur.  

            “It’s okay to be upset, Nat. I know you don’t like that Hannah left just now.”

            Nat squirmed in discomfort. She didn’t like how it felt like Dr. Boland could see right through her.

            “But I want to talk about what we saw in the test you took earlier. Are you ready?”

            Nat shrugged.

            “Okay, well you need listening ears now, because this is important. When you fell, you cracked two ribs, and bruised some others. That’s why it hurts to breathe, and hurts a lot on your side. Do you understand?”

            Nat whimpered and nodded. It made sense. She didn’t know why she didn’t suspect it before.

            “There’s not much we can do for that other than put ice on your ribs or-”

            “No!” Nat shook her head. “No ice. Too cold.”

            Dr. Boland’s shoulder slumped slightly and she nodded. “Okay. Well, we can also put a special compression wrap on your chest and belly where you had the surgery to try and relieve some of the pressure and pain. It’s going to take about four to six weeks for it to heal, so you need to take it easy and not be active. But you can’t be that active anyway while we’re trying to get you to gain weight.”

            Nat listened closely and nodded.

            “There’s another thing too we noticed in one of the tests. Have you been going to the bathroom normally? Number two?”

            Nat immediately flushed and hid behind her blanket.

            “Shh, I know it’s embarrassing. But your body is very backed up and constipated. That can happen sometimes when recovering from malnutrition. And your digestive system has had a lot of trauma with not getting enough food for a long time, then you getting shot and surgery. And being stressed and scared can affect you that way too.”

            Nat couldn’t look at the doctor. She just held her blankie against her face and squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t want to talk to her about this. This was gross. This was weird. She wanted Hannah.

            “Come on, angel. I need you to be a big girl right now. Just look at me and you can nod or shake your head to answer things if talking is too hard.”

            Nat peeked out of her blanket. She hated being told it was time to be a big girl, because it meant she was being too much of a stupid baby and everyone knew it.

            “Have you gone number two in the past two days?” Dr. Boland asked.

            Nat squeezed her blanket and stared at her with one eye. She shook her head.

            “Okay, good job answering. Do you know the last time you went?”

            Nat’s eye darted around a bit and her cheeks burned. She worried her answer might get her or trouble, or…at least necessitate uncomfortable medical procedures.

            “Hospital,” she whispered.

            “When you were in the hospital?”

            Nat nodded.

            “In Canada, you mean?”

            She nodded again.

            “So, about a week ago?”

            Nat paused thinking, then nodded.

            “Does your tummy hurt a lot, like feel full and uncomfortable?”

            Nat nodded.

            “Okay,” Michelle said softly. “I’m going to have to give you some laxative medicine to help you go, and hopefully that’ll sort it out, okay? But you need to tell me or Ellen or another nurse when you go and some other details about it that just might feel a little uncomfortable, but we need to know. Can you do that for me?”

            Natalie whined, but she nodded.

            “Good girl. I’ve got to see some other patients now, so I’m going to help you into your crib. Ellen will be in with your medicine soon and you can take your toys and coloring books in with you, okay?”

            No, it wasn’t okay. Natalie wanted to cry and kick. She didn’t want more medicine. She didn’t want to be in the crib. She wanted Hannah and she wanted to feel better.

            “Let’s take all your things now,” Dr. Boland picked up the books, markers and cars and put them in the crib. “Ready?”

            Nat thought about the teether, and wanted to try it when no one else was there. She glanced at the fridge. “Can get something?”

            “What do you want?”

            “Um,” Nat fiddled with her blanket. “Alex got me…”

            The doctor nodded. “What’d she get you, sweetie?”

            For a moment Nat wondered if she’d be scolded or prevented from having something meant for infants. Then she glanced at the crib. Clearly, Dr. Boland was okay with her acting like a baby. “Bear, in fridge…”

            Dr. Boland raised an eyebrow but opened the mini-fridge. “Oh, I see,” she smiled, bringing over the green bear. “Here you go,” she handed it to Nat. It was only a little cold, but that was okay.

            “Can I put your doll and llama in the crib now?”

            Nat looked at her toys and handed them over.

            “Your turn. I’m going to put you in now, all right?”

            Nat nodded and felt the doctor lift her up into the crib and pull the blankets around her. “I’ll turn you so you can watch your TV if you want. And Ellen will be in soon, okay?”

            Nat nodded as the doctor swiveled her crib so she could see the TV.

            “That’s a good girl.” Dr. Boland pulled the bars up on the side of Nat’s crib and locked them, and pulled down the vinyl panels above. Natalie listened to her footsteps echo as she exited the room.

            She was alone. Nat looked at the tall bars of her crib and remembered she was in a hospital. She was alone and scared and in pain and wanted Hannah. With a resentful grunt she kicked the bars and stubbed her toe against them, pouting. She pulled Mandy and Laszlo close along with her blanket and squeezed them. The teething bear was cool against her face and she gave it an experimental bite. It was hard, but also soft enough she felt her teeth sink into it a little. Nat bit it again, until she was fully chewing it and pushing it to the back of her mouth to feel against her sore gums. It was nice. Nat felt saliva dripping out of the side of her mouth but didn’t care. She kept chewing on her teether and looked to the side at her TV at the Rugrats episode. She propped Laszlo and Mandy up to watch with her.

            Footsteps entered the room, and Nat ripped the bear out of her mouth, hiding it under the blanket.

            “I’m back again!” Ellen smiled. “Did Dr. Boland tell you about your new medicine?”

            Nat groaned and nodded.

            “I have it right here,” she held up a bottle and tiny medicine cup. Carefully, Ellen lowered the side of Nat’s crib and poured some of the liquid in the cup. “Would you like some juice to drink after?”

            Nat sighed and nodded.

            Ellen went to the fridge and took out the apple juice cartons. She took out some straws as she opened them and Nat pointed to her nightstand. “Cup!”

            Ellens’ head turned towards where Nat pointed, and she saw her cup with the squiggle straw. “Oh, you want your juice in that?”

            Nat nodded and watched Ellen fill her cup with juice and handed it to her.

            “Can you take the medicine yourself?” she asked, holding out the little cup.

            Nat didn’t want to, but she took it.

            “Go on and drink it dear, then you can wash it down with your juice.”

            Nat anxiously looked at the little cup and tossed it back in her mouth. It tasted yucky, so she instinctively spit it out, getting it all over her blanket and Ellen’s shirt. Nat gasped in horror and a wave of fear went over her. She started breathing heavily and whimpering. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

            Ellen brushed at her shirt and looked at Nat softly. “It’s all right, Natalie. I know it doesn’t taste very nice, but you need to take it. You can have a sip of your juice first then I’m going to give you your medicine. No spitting it out though, okay?”

            Natalie couldn’t think. She just knew she was scared for doing something as terrible as spitting on a grown-up. And she didn’t take her medicine. She gripped her blankie and toys and bit her lip to not cry.

            “Come on, take a sip,” Ellen held the cup of juice up to Nat, and she obediently drank a little. “I’m not mad at you, Natalie. It’s all right.”

            Nat was confused and scared now. How was she not mad? She wanted Hannah.

            Ellen held up a medicine syringe to her mouth and Nat turned her head away.

            Natalie hid her face and wanted to cry. She wanted Hannah. And she had to go pee. Why was all of this so hard? She was being so bad. Ellen might punish her now or tell someone else to come do it.

            “You know, it’s very silly of me,” Ellen said, snapping Nat out of her thoughts. “I forgot to give Mandy her medicine. She’s been having trouble going poop too. Will you let me give her some medicine first?”

            She was so scared she didn’t even react when Ellen picked up her doll and sat her on the nightstand, and she held another medicine syringe to her mouth. “Open up!” Nat watched Ellen push the plunger on the syringe. “What a good job!” Ellen held Mandy out to Nat. “She wants some of the juice now!” Still in her panic, Nat was able to hold her cup up to Mandy’s mouth. “I think she needs a biiig hug for being brave.”

            Nat snatched Mandy out of Ellen’s hands and hugged her tight. In spite of her efforts, some tears came down her face. “You’re being a very good mommy to Mandy,” Ellen said kindly. “Do you think you can show her you’ll take your medicine too?”

            Natalie whined and kicked her feet. She didn’t want to. This was a trick. It was all just to get her to take her medicine, and they were forcing her doll to take it too. That wasn’t fair.

            “Okay, we’re a little worked up now. Let’s try to settle and you can take it in a little bit.”

            “Hann-ahh,” Nat cried, pushing her face against Mandy. “Want Hannah.”

            “She’ll be back soon. And after you take your medicine you can rest or play again, all right?”

            Natalie cried. She wanted Hannah. She wanted to be picked up again and get her hair petted and be sung to. The crying and heavy breathing was causing intense pain in her chest, stomach, side, everywhere. Nat felt her body heave forward involuntarily and she screamed.

            “Shh, let’s settle down now, Natalie, settle down,” Ellen tried to soothe her.

            Nat’s thoughts turned into a blur of images and sensations. All she could feel was the pain, her fear and desire for Hannah to come back and pick her up. Then she felt something release in her body, and it felt warm and wet underneath her. When she realized she’d wet herself, and fear overwhelmed into her chest and body. She couldn’t calm down, everything hurt, and this definitely meant a spanking was coming when everyone found out.

            “Hann-ahhh,” she cried.

            Ellen moved the bars back up on Natalie’s crib and dashed out of the room. Nat’s breathing slowed a little. Ellen gave up on her. What did that mean? Would Dr. Boland come in? Would Hannah be told? And how bad would it be when they found out she’d peed herself? Natalie tried to slow her breathing to ease the pain, and squeezed her blanket.

            Suddenly, Ellen and Dr. Boland came into the room and Nat gasped, pushing herself into the corner of her crib. She was grateful for it now, safe and protected inside.

            “It’s all right, Natalie,” Dr. Boland began. “I got something to help you calm down.” She pulled out a needle and Nat screamed. “Shh, shh, it’s just going in the line.” Nat watched the doctor insert the needle into a tube connected to an IV in Nat’s arm.

            Nat cried more, too scared and confused to even apologize.

            “Shh, that’s it, angel,” Dr. Boland slowly lowered the bars of her crib. “I’m not going to hurt you. Ellen’s not going to hurt you. You’re safe here.”

            A sense of sleepiness and mental fuzziness started to take over Nat’s mind, and her crying slowed.

            Dr. Boland placed her hand on the mattress of Nat’s crib and pulled her hand away, clearly recognizing it was wet. “Oh honey, it’s all right. Are you scared because you had an accident? You won’t get in trouble for that here. If you come out Ellen will help you clean up and we’ll change your sheets.”

            Nat shook her head. “No Hannah. No tell.”

            The doctor looked at her kindly, with sad eyes. “No, we won’t tell Hannah, all right?”

            Natalie whimpered, still feeling scared, but even more than that, so tired.

            “Come on,” Dr. Boland put her arms into the crib. “I’m going to pick you up now, all right? I’ll be gentle, and please don’t fight. I don’t want you hurt more.”

            Natalie couldn’t manage more than a fearful hiccup as she felt her body being lifted and placed into the other bed. “Shh,” the doctor said, nodding to Ellen who started undressing her and putting her in a clean hospital gown. “That’s a good girl,” Dr. Boland said tenderly. “Going to make you feel all better.”  

            Natalie shivered as she felt Ellen clean her with wipes and they covered her in blankets again. Dr. Boland’s voice got fuzzy, and she felt a hand on her chin, and something slipping into her mouth. A yucky taste filled it, and she swallowed before she could spit it out, coughing and groaning. “I know, medicine is yucky.” The doctor slipped the straw of her cup in Natalie’s mouth and she drank some, feeling her head start to loll to the side.

“Hannah…”

            “Hannah will be back soon, angel. Let’s just go to sleep, now, shh.”

            Nat groaned, attempting to shake her head. “No, nuh-night.”

            The doctor’s voice still sounded kind and soft as Nat gave off her last attempts to push away, and fight off sleep.

February 1983

            “Natty, wake up!” a hand shook her shoulder.

            Natty groaned and rubbed her eyes with her fist. She yawned widely, looking at the sun shining through her window.

            “Come on, get up.” Mommy nudged her again. “We need to get groceries. If we get there real early, they might have cookies. And maybe we can go to the park after.”

            That made Natalie pop up and pull her blanket off.

            “Ugh, goddamn it, Natty! Again?!” Mommy hissed, pulling Natalie out of her bed and looking at the big wet spot that sat where she was sleeping. Natty felt the thick material of her pajamas sticking to her body from her thighs to her lower back.

            “Sorry Mommy…” she stood there anxiously, hoping it wouldn’t be too bad.

            “Goddamn it,” she said again, leaning against Natty’s dresser and holding a hand to her forehead. “I told you that you need to get up and go use the bathroom!” Vera whisper-yelled. Daddy must be sleeping. Otherwise, she’d be louder. “Fuck. Those are the last clean sheets.”

            Natty wanted to cry, but that would make Mommy madder. She felt an intense sense of shame burning though her whole body, and wanted to crawl under the bed. “I sorry…” she tried again.

            Mommy didn’t look at her. She turned her head looking at the wall, like she was thinking. She let out a frustrated sigh. “Ugh, come on then.” Vera knelt down, unzipped Natty’s pajamas and peeled them off her body. She tossed the wet clothes in the corner and lifted Natty, taking the few steps down the hall to the bathroom where she stood her in the tub.

            The heat wasn’t on. Natty shivered in the cold air as Mommy turned on the water. She sprayed Natty’s body with the showerhead, not bothering to let the water warm up. Her chin quivered with chattering teeth as her body was spun around, and she was rinsed off.

            Mommy grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her, rubbing her with the rough terrycloth. “You’ve GOT to stop peeing the bed, Natalie,” she told her. “Daddy’s losing patience. I can’t keep covering for you. Now we need to go to the laundromat again, and we can’t afford that!”

            Natalie chewed her lip and gripped the towel tightly in her little fingers. “Sorry…”

            “Ugh, I’m sick of the sorries! Just stop pissing yourself already! You know what? Go now. I’ll go get your clothes.”

            Natty stood there with the towel wrapped around her, still shivering in the cold air of the trailer. She’d have to take the towel off to get on the toilet, and that would be really cold. She stood there, hugging the towel around herself to get dry and warmer.

            Vera came back to the bathroom with some clothing in hand. Her arm and face fell in annoyance. “Did you go potty?”

            Natty scrunched her shoulders up and shook her head.

            Vera groaned and knelt down, pulling the towel off Natalie to set her onto the toilet. “Now go like I told you to already!” her voice was low, but had the spirit of a shout.

            Natty wrapped her arms around herself and shivered more, closing her eyes. She silently willed herself to pee.

            Mommy inhaled deeply and turned on the faucet to the sink. “Come on...” her voice softened. “Just pee.”

            Natty whimpered, listening to the sound of the running water. She tried to count how long it took, but she couldn’t count that high. But eventually, she heard a tinkling sound in the toilet, and Mommy sighed. “Good, Natty. Good.” Mommy wiped her and took her off the toilet, flushing it and dressing her quickly.

            “Come on, we gotta go. You know all the good stuff is gone if we go too late.”

            Natty nodded and ran to get her coat and shoes. She put the coat on by herself, but struggled with her shoes, putting them on the wrong feet.

            “No, no,” Vera shook her head. She pulled the shoes off Natty’s feet and held one up to her foot. “It has to match the curve in your foot. See?” Mommy held one shoe up to her foot, showing that the curve didn’t match the side of Natty’s foot that curved in. “It’s the other one.” She held it up to her other foot, and it matched.

            Mommy shoved Natty’s feet into the shoes and tied the laces quickly. “Let’s go,” she said, tugging a hat onto Natty’s head.

            The hat partially went over her eyes and before she could pull it up Natty felt Mommy lift her and carry her out of the house. Crusted snow crunched under Mommy’s shoes as they walked to the car.

            Vera placed Natty in the back seat and buckled her in, hopping into the front and turning on the car. As it warmed up, she lit a cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly. Natty watched a puff of her own breath form in front of her, just like Mommy’s did. She smiled.

            Mommy looked at her from the rear-view mirror and smirked. “What’re you grinning about?”

            Natty blew into the air. “Smoke!” she giggled.

            Mommy chuckled. “Yeah, breathing is like smoking when it’s cold.”

            Natty blew out three big puffs of air, watching the little clouds rise. They reminded her of bubbles too, and she laughed again.

            Mommy laughed harder, and coughed. “Don’t wind yourself, kid.”

            Natty giggled, then smiled as she saw the look in her mother’s eyes in the mirror. She loved making Mommy happy.

            The ride in the car was uneventful. Natty sat quietly, leaning her head against the door and sucking her thumb, watching the clouds go by. The sky was so light colored, not much darker than the clouds today.

            “Baby, we were born to runnnnn,” Mommy sang along softly to her favorite cassette tape, bobbing her head.

            Natty closed her eyes, soothed by the sound of Mommy’s singing voice.

            They went over the big bump that knocked Natty’s head forward, and she knew they’d entered the driveway of the pantry. She sat up and looked out the window as they parked. There was a line already, but only two or three out the door. There may still be some cookies.

            She and Mommy got out, and into the line. Natty leaned against Mommy’s leg and sucked her thumb as they waited.  

            “Good morning, Vera,” the pantry lady smiled as they reached the end.

            “Hi,” Mommy said softly, then cleared her throat. “Just the basics.”

            “Coming right up!” she said cheerily. The lady walked away and came back with a full paper bag.

            “Thanks,” Mommy said. “Oh and uh, one more thing.”

            “Yes?”

            “Do you have any sheets?”

            “Sheets?” the lady tilted her head.

            “Yeah. Bedsheets. We’re having some uh, potty training issues at night.” She touched Natty’s head, causing her to push her face hard into Mommy’s leg. Why would Mommy tell someone else that? Now they’d know Natty was a bad girl who still peed herself like a baby.

            “Aw, it’s okay, honey,” the lady said. “You’ll grow out of it soon.”

            Natty peeked around Mommy’s pant leg, tear hovering in her eye. She didn’t expect the pantry lady to be nice about it.

            “So…do you have any?” Vera asked.

            The lady sighed, “Unfortunately not. But you know what,” her voice lifted. “I should be able to rustle some up for you next week. A twin bed? Or a toddler bed?”

            “Twin. Thank you so much, we really appreciate it.” She touched Natty’s head again. “Say ‘thank you’ to Mrs. Freeman, Natty.”

            Natty hid her face again and hugged Mommy’s leg harder. Talking to grown-ups was scary. “Natty,” Mommy’s voice got stern. “Say thank you.”

            “Don’t worry about it,” Mrs. Freeman said lightly. “She’s just shy. Anyway, I’ll see you next week with some sheets for Natty.”

            “Thank you so much again,” Mommy said, holding the bag in one arm and taking Natty’s hand in the other. She walked briskly back outside to the car and shot Natty a scolding look. “Why can’t you say ‘thank you’ when I tell you to? You want people to think you’re rude and ungrateful when they give you things?”

            Natty shook her head. “Sorry…”

            Mommy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay. You got your cookies,” she said, peering into the bag.

            Natty smiled and hopped into the car happily. “Park?!” she asked.

            “No, no park now. Because we need to go to the laundromat. It’s too cold anyway.”

            Natty sunk into the seat. She really wanted to go on the swings. She took off her hat and played with the pom pom on the top as they drove home.

            The gravel crunched under the tires. She and Mommy got out of the car, and she hoped she’d get some of the cookies today. She’d have to be extra good to make sure she did.

            They went into the trailer and Daddy was already sitting on the couch watching a game.

            “Daddy!” Natty smiled and ran to him, climbing into his lap.

            “Hey, sweet pea!” he hugged her and tossed her into the air before giving her a scratchy kiss on the cheek.

            Vera smiled at Marco and quietly scurried into the kitchen to put the groceries away.

            “Vera, did you get any cheese? Make me an omelet.”

            “Uh, I don’t know if we got any this time,” she said nervously.

            He groaned. “Make me some eggs then. And toast. You want some breakfast Natty?”

            Natty nodded and smiled.

            “Make some for Natty too!”

            “Doing it now!” she said from the kitchen.

            Daddy sipped his coffee and scruffled Natty’s hair.

            Not long after, Mommy brought two plates out and sat them on the TV trays. Natty munched the toast and crumbs got all over her shirt. She quickly tried to brush it away but Daddy shot her a look. “Eat nice, Natty.”

            She nodded cautiously, taking a tiny bite while leaning over the plate. Natty picked up a fork and stabbed them into the scrambled eggs. They just separated, and fell off the fork each time she tried to pick them up. She was getting increasingly frustrated and hungry, until she just picked some up with her hands and shoved it into her mouth. It tasted good, so she picked up more and stuffed it into her mouth. Some smeared on her face from her fingers.

            “Natalie!” Daddy scolded. “What did I just say? Don’t be such a gavone!”

            Natty paused and wiped her mouth with her sleeve, swallowing what was in her mouth. “Sorry…”

            “Natty, why don’t you go to your room. You can take your toast,” Mommy cut in.

            Natalie cautiously took the toast off her plate and walked into her room. She picked up her blankie and sat on the floor as she ate, pushing a little truck Daddy gave her across the room.

            “Money?” Daddy’s voice carried down the hall. “What do you need more money for?”

            Mommy’s voice tittered something, but Natty couldn’t make out the words.

            “SERIOUSLY!?” Daddy’s voice boomed. “AGAIN?! How the fuck much are we spending now for this? What did I tell you when she was born, Vera? I wanted her potty trained when she was TWO YEARS OLD! She’s THREE now! What the hell is so hard about this? I swear, we’re spending more money on laundry now than we ever did on diapers!”

            Natty sat frozen as she hugged her blankie. Mommy’s voice sounded small and scared, and she couldn’t make out the words. Then she heard a slap and flinched, tears coming to her eyes. She quickly crawled under the bed and pushed herself into the corner. This was her fault. Mommy was in trouble with Daddy and getting hurt because she peed the bed. She squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her blankie, wishing and hoping she could just be a big girl already.

Chapter Text

            The restaurant chatter, sound of cutlery on plates and the occasional baby crying was overwhelming Hannah’s senses. She’d never liked crowds much, and after spending months in the woods, her tolerance dropped even more. The greasy smell of French fries didn’t help, making nausea peak to her throat.

            “Mom,” she heard faintly. “Mom!”

            “Oh, what?” she asked, jolting herself back to look at Alex beside her in the booth.

            “I said, did you decide what are you going to order yet?” she looked at her with mild annoyance, eyeing the open menu in front of her.

            “Uh, no. But we can get drinks at least. I’ll have a Pepsi.”

            “We already ordered drinks…” Alex looked at her mother with concern. “And they don’t have Pepsi, they have Coke. Don’t you remember?”

            Hannah forced a smile. “I’m sorry honey, I’m tired. I guess I forgot,”

            “Don’t rush your mother, Alexandra,” Jean chimed in. “She’s had long, tiring day.”

            Hannah’s eyebrow arched a bit in surprise. It was nice to have her mom on her side when it came to Alex. “Yeah, it was a lot,” she added.

            “Okay,” Alex huffed. “I’m going to get the cheeseburger. But no mayonnaise!”

            Hannah smiled, for real this time. “I know you hate mayonnaise, sweetie.”

            “The chicken pot pie looks good,” her mother suggested. “I’m going to get that.”

            The thought of chicken and gravy oozing out of a pie crust made Hannah feel even sicker. “Uh, I had a big lunch,” she lied. “I might just get something small.”

            “Are you sure?” her mother asked softly. “Have you been eating properly?”

            “Yeah, of course,” Hannah said, like it was nothing. “I think I’m still just adjusting to full meals again.”

            Jean nodded cautiously. “As long as you’re taking care of yourself too.”    

            A warm feeling filled Hannah’s chest. It felt childish, but good to have her mom make a bit of a fuss over her welfare, without the nagging of course. Mom’s typical antagonistic attitude had softened since she came home. 

            “Mom, I’m hungry,” Alex groaned. “Have you picked something already?”

            “Yeah, just one minute. You can call the waitress over and I’ll have something picked by then.”

            Alex waved excitedly towards the blonde waitress, taking the order of a table across the way. “Waitress! We’re ready to order when you’re done! Please!”

            “Alexandra!” Jean scolded. “Don’t be rude! You’re not going to starve.”

            “What?! I said when she was done. And I said please!”

            Hannah’s stomach twisted as her mother lectured Alex about proper manners and being a young lady. You’re not going to starve. Hannah almost starved. Natalie almost starved. Fuck, she thought, pulling herself away from memories of sucking the marrow out of squirrel bones. I need to choose something already... She skimmed the menu as quickly as she could. Why does everything have meat?! Even the salads and soups had meat. She considered ordering a waffle, but realized they didn’t have all-day breakfast.

            The waitress arrived at the table.

            “I’m sorry I was rude calling at you like that,” Alex said softly, her grandmother’s eyes boring into her.

            “That’s okay, babe!” the waitress smiled. “What can I get for ya?”

            Alex blushed and turned away, suddenly shy.

            Jean cleared her throat, “I’ll have the chicken pot pie.”

            The waitress nodded, writing on her little notepad.

            Hannah anxiously scanned the menu again.

            “I’ll have the cheeseburger, with no mayo. The grown-up one, not the little kid one,” she blushed again.

            Hannah smirked and wanted to squeeze her. It wasn’t like Alex to be so shy with strangers, but she was trying so hard to be grown up lately. It made Hannah proud, but also sad.

            “And you, miss?” the waitress looked at her.

            “Oh,” Hannah looked at the menu again, biting her lip. “I’ll have the…rice. And…four bean salad.”

            There was a slight pause as the waitress wrote that on her notepad. “Okay, so two sides? No entrée?”

            “Yeah, yeah that’s good. I had a big lunch.” Hannah really felt the need to commit to this idea.

            “Okay, so chicken pot pie, one grown-up burger, with no mayo,” she smiled at Alex. “And the four bean salad with some rice.”

            They nodded and she dashed to the kitchen with their order.

            Hannah sunk into her own thoughts again, but her mother interrupted. “It was lovely to see Michelle again.”

            “Yeah,” she smiled. “She’s been a godsend.”

            Jean smiled. “Michelle always was a blessing in our lives. I’m so glad you reconnected.”

            Ugh, I shouldn’t have used the word “god”, Hannah thought. She’ll start getting ideas…

            “How long does Nat have to stay in the hospital?” Alex asked.

            “I don’t think we know yet,” Hannah answered. “Probably at least a week. Michelle wants to see how much weight she can gain in the next few days, and I still haven’t heard the results of the x-ray and MRI.”

            “What’s a MRI?” Alex asked.

            “Magnetic radio…no…resonance imaging. It’s a big machine that uses magnetic waves to see inside the body. Kind of like an x-ray, but different.”

            “How is it different?”

            Normally Hannah loved Alex’s questions--her curiosity and thirst for knowledge. How she sometimes made Hannah require reference books for the right answer. They shared that love. But now? Now her brain couldn’t manage it.

            “Uh, I don’t know exactly. You can ask Michelle,” she ended shortly. Then she noticed Alex’s disappointed expression. “I do know there’s no radiation with MRIs though. So, it’s safer.”

            “Marie Curie died from radiation poisoning, right?”

            Hannah nodded and smiled. “That’s right, she did.”

            Jean chuckled. “The things you two talk about at dinner!”

            Hannah tried to stay in the moment, listening to Alex started talking about the report she did on Marie Curie the previous year, teaching Jean everything she’d learned.  

            But thoughts about Natalie kept creeping in. How was she doing? What results had Michelle revealed to her? Would they find out when she went back? Hannah didn’t remember Natalie signing a HIPAA waiver like at the previous doctor. And how would she fare in the hospital alone? She’d panicked and tried to escape when Hannah went to the cafeteria without her. And she’d be in the crib. Sure, she liked it when they were using it like a toy but how would she take to it when she didn’t want to be confined? It still seemed a little weird to Hannah, putting an 18-year-old in a crib. But Michelle said it would be best, and what alternative did she have to be safe from wandering?

            Still, troubling images of Natalie took over her mind. Visions of Nat screaming and crying, beating on the bars of the crib. Quietly climbing and trying to jump out, getting her wrist or ankle caught, getting more injured in another fall. What if she broke bones? Ruptured an organ? Maybe she already had broken bones or ruptured organs. And God, what if she needed another surgery? What if her body wasn’t strong enough for it? Hannah swallowed and took a slow sip of her coke. It didn’t have much flavor. She drank it still.

            A toddler’s screech broke rang through the restaurant. The sound made Hannah’s head jolt backwards. She turned her head and saw a little girl, about three or four, throwing a tantrum. “Lizzy, no!” her mother whisper-yelled. “No ice cream. You had lots of sweets today.”

            The child screamed more and banged her little fists on the table. Lizzy’s mother pulled her out of the booth whispered something too soft for Hannah to hear.

            “Hnnh,” Hannah’s mother pointed her finger into the air as she sipped her water. “Maybe a little trip to the car will solve that problem.”

            Hannah looked at the red-faced little girl and saw ghosts of Alex, of Natalie…of herself. She thought about what the euphemism really meant, and Michelle’s words came back to her like a punch. Those scars are almost certainly from child abuse. What would have happened to Natalie if she’d behaved like that? Was a public meltdown one of the causes of her scars? What the hell could have prompted such brutality on a little girl?

Hannah stopped herself from thinking about what horrors Natalie might have experienced. But she couldn’t forget the comment her mother made. One “trip to the car” when she was five was enough for Hannah to never act out in public a second time. It was a normal way to discipline children, expected. Hell, when she was that age you could still get paddled in the principal’s office. But now things were different. Different from when she grew up…when Natalie grew up. Hannah swallowed heavily, a large bubble from her soda painfully caught in her throat.

            Sure, her mom spanked her a few times as a kid, but it wasn’t traumatic. She never thought about it without prompting, it didn’t affect her day-to-day life--as a child or adult. If it had only been that, she may not have been as adamant about not wanting to use corporal punishment with Alex. It was because of Alex, ironically. Was that ironic? No, maybe not. Irony was when something is the opposite of expected. It was rather expectable that Hannah would never want to hit her daughter after being slapped in the face while tearfully telling her mother she was pregnant. She could still feel the sharp sting on her cheek, how the disgust behind that slap cut so deep. Without Grandma’s help, she’d never have been able to repair her relationship with Mom. Not to mention the constant battles over disciplining Alex when she was small, and the guilt she felt over making too many mistakes. But things were okay now, really. If anything, Hannah’s Mom was being kinder and more attentive than she had in years due to the Wilderness fiasco. She’d take it, however fucked up its reasoning.

            Their food arrived, and Hannah felt embarrassed at the two small side dish plates in front of her, as Alex and her mother were served their proper dinners. The smell of the burger really hit her now. It had been wafting around the restaurant since they arrived, but now it was inescapable. She swallowed heavily, pushing down the memories of meat over fires, so she didn’t vomit on the table.

            Hannah did her best to dig into the rice, choking down two bites. It was dry.

            Steam rose from her mother’s pot pie as she cut into it, and she glanced towards Hannah. “Maybe you can come over for dinner with us tomorrow night,” she said. “Just tell me what you’d like me to make and I will.”

            Hannah sighed and did her best to smile. “Thanks, Mom. That’ll be nice.”

            It was nice. But Hannah wasn’t excited about the idea of how much or what she ate of her mother’s cooking being scrutinized. Her mother already lectured her a few times about how she needed more protein, which was code for meat. She seemed especially skeptical when Hannah tried to explain how there were equal or better sources of protein without meat. But at least she cared.

            Hannah ate her food silently and quickly, hoping with everything inside her that Natalie would be okay when she got back to the hospital to say goodnight.

            As they rode the elevator to the second floor, Hannah thought about what she’d say to Natalie. How would she take her saying goodnight? She’d probably cry and beg her to stay. Hannah’s heart sunk at the idea of it. That poor baby was crying too much.

            The three of them walked down the hall and were quickly intercepted by Michelle. “Heyyyy,” she said with an awkward smiled. “Hannah, can I talk to you for a minute?”

            Oh God… “Yeah, of course.”

            “And hello again, Jean,” she added. “And Alex! We’ll have to all go get lunch sometime soon and catch up when I’m not at work.”

            Michelle placed her hand on Hannah’s shoulder and walked briskly toward Natalie’s room.

            “What did she do, now?” Hannah asked through a groan.

            Michelle cleared her throat with a mild laugh. “Yeah, she’s uh, she’s definitely that kind of kid. But um, well, she didn’t get into any trouble. No wandering or trying to escape. Just, Ellen tried to give her some oral medicine earlier, and she spit it out. She panicked badly, and I had to sedate her.”

            “Is she okay?!”

            “Yeah, she’s okay. She’s asleep now. But I’m just…rather concerned about her reactions to things. She’s in a really fragile state right now, she’s very close to needing to be in a psychiatric-”

            “No!” Hannah whipped her face towards her. “You’re not putting her in a psych unit!”

            Michelle put her palms up towards Hannah. “Hey, I’m not sending her to one. Cool off a little,” her voice got firmer. “Hannah, I’m just trying to tell you more about Natalie’s condition…mentally too.”

            “So what did the tests say?” Annoyance and anger was still thick in her voice.

            Michelle sighed. “I can’t tell you yet, not until Nat can agree to it. But she has to stay here for a while, I’ll just say that. And, if you can cool your jets enough to let me explain more, you’ll find out what I can tell you.”

            Hannah crossed her arms across her chest and looked away, cheeks turning pink. Michelle was scolding her more today than she did when she was her babysitter. It made Hannah feel foolish. She looked away and mumbled, “Sorry.”

            Michelle cleared her throat. “Natalie…struggles a lot when she’s alone. The reason I kept emphasizing a psych unit is there can be one-on-ones there.”

            “What’s that mean?”

            “One-on-one care is when there’s someone with the patient at all times. It’s generally used for patients that are a danger to themselves. Natalie isn’t…suicidal as it stands, but I would consider her a danger to herself.”

            The words sunk into Hannah heavily. “Who would the person be?”

            “A nurse typically, sometimes an intern, or maybe a psych student.”

            “A stranger?”

            Michelle arched an eyebrow. “I mean, it’s never really a family member or…”

            “I’ll stay with her,” Hannah said.

            “What?”

            “You said she needs someone with her at all times? I’ll stay with her. She’ll just panic and fight more if it’s a stranger. She needs me.”

            “Hannah…” Michelle looked at her heavily. “You need to go home to rest.”

            Hannah shrugged. “Natalie sleeps a lot. I can sleep when she does. Alex is at school all day anyway.”

            Michelle ran a hand through her hair and looked at Hannah like she wanted to say something, but was holding back.

            “I want to see her.”

            “All right,” Michelle sighed. “Like I said, she’s asleep. And she’s still sedated.”

            The two walked into Nat’s room. It struck Hannah how much more the crib made her look like a baby. The sheets were light blue with dark blue and yellow stars on them. Natalie was covered in at least three hospital blankets, with Grandma Bell’s blanket lying on top. Her new toys were strewn around her crib. She was so knocked out she wasn’t even sucking her thumb.

            The urge to scoop Natalie up in her arms and hold her tight was overwhelming. She slipped her hand through the bars and put her hand on Nat’s. “I’m here, honey,” she whispered.

            Nat let out a small groan and moved her head to the side.

            “Do you want your mom and Alex to come in too?”

            “No,” Hannah said quickly. “Nat would be embarrassed if she knew they saw her in this.”

            Michelle nodded. “I thought so. But, they’re waiting out there and if you’re actually thinking of spending the night…you need to sort that out. Normally we don’t allow that, but I can pull some strings. I am a big cheese around here.”

            Hannah smirked at her, rubbing a thumb over Nat’s frail hand. “Thank you, Dr. Cheddar.”

            Michelle chuckled and tapped Hannah’s head with a file she was holding. “Really, Hannah. Take a few minutes and figure out what to do. If you go home, I’ll assign some nurses to check on her twice as often as the other patients. But visiting hours are ending soon.”

            Hannah nodded. “Got it.”

            Michelle walked out of the room and Hannah felt a heavy of dread. She was tired, she wanted to go home, have a cup of tea and watch a movie with Alex falling asleep in her lap. Ugh, Alex. She’d have to spend the night at her mom’s, or vice versa. But how could she leave Natalie? If she panicked so much with Hannah being out of the room, out of the hospital, how would she fare with her nearly 45 minutes away in a building full of people who didn’t know her? People that might do things that scared her or reminded her of something terrifying in the Wilderness? A shiver ran down Hannah’s spine. She kept thinking of Natalie lying in her arms, dying, bleeding out. She left her once and that was the result. Then the second time in the hospital in Canada and she’d felt so abandoned. No, Alex would understand. Her mom would understand. Alex was a kind, mature kid, and Natalie was so sick and needy.

            Hannah put her other hand on Natalie’s and gently squeezed it. “I’ll be right here when you wake up, sweetheart. I just need to say goodnight to Alex.”

            Hannah sighed heavily, leaning her head into the pillow. Alex probably had twenty pounds on Nat, but cuddling her felt easier than this. Natalie climbed into Hannah’s lap and held onto herlike a toddler. Plus she was all bones, digging into Hannah’s body wherever she leaned against her. She could feel Nat’s clavicle and breastbone pressing into hers. Nat’s face nuzzled into the crook of her neck, breathing down her shoulder. Hannah occasionally rubbed her hands along Nat’s back, trying not to count the vertebrae under her fingers. Her long, gangly arm was hanging limply around Hannah’s neck.

            Hannah took a long inhale and watched Natalie slowly rise up with her chest and moan, pushing her head against her. Hannah’s body was sore, and she was exhausted. She tried sleeping, but she was too worried she might jostle Nat if she fell asleep and cause a fall. And she couldn’t bring herself to put her back in the crib. Natalie had been so relieved when she woke up to see Hannah waiting for her. She cried and reached for her, whining and begging to be held. Hannah soothed her, lowered the bars of the crib to and kiss her head, and had a nurse help Natalie out of the crib so she could hold her in the bed.

            Hannah placed her hand on Nat’s head, and felt her hair, tangled and messy. She needed to brush it for her in the morning. Nat needed a bath too, she smelled a little sour, and like sweat. Hannah wasn’t sure how well she’d been able to wash herself before she fell in the shower. She realized she’d have to help a lot, and hoped Nat would cooperate.

            Nat whimpered in quick succession and her body tensed, stuck in a dream.

            “Shh, it’s okay Natalie,” Hannah whispered in her ear. “I’ve got you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore.”

            Still in her sleep, Natalie wiggled and rubbed her face against Hannah’s shoulder and neck. Hannah kept her arms around her gently and shushed her.

Loud laughter from the TV made her glance up. Lucille Ball was on the screen, engaging in some sort of whacky antics. Hannah sighed, trying to shift herself into a more comfortable position with Nat in her arms.

A soft knock came from the door. “Hey.”

Michelle walked into the room.

“Hey,” Hannah whispered back.

“How’s she doing?”

“Exhausted.”

“You look like you are too. I brought you something,” she held up a steaming cup.

Hannah sighed. “I’m fine.”

“How long have you been holding her like that?”

“I’ve not been watching the time.”

“You need to sleep too, Hannah. Just put her in her own bed, have something hot to drink and go to sleep. You’ll be right there if she wakes up.”

Hannah shook her head. “I’m okay, she needs this.”

Michelle sighed and put the cup down. She reached her hands out to lift Natalie up. “You’re worse than the maternity patients.” Her voice went into a playful-mock tone. “Now give me the baby, so you can rest from your ordeal too.”

Hannah chuckled. “I don’t think I can compare my day to what this poor kid’s gone through.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you almost starved in the middle of the woods and came home with a severely traumatized, medically fragile teenager,” Michelle quipped.

“Ha, ha,” Hannah narrowed her eyes.

Michelle smiled. “Give her to me, I’m a professional.”

Hannah sighed. A break did sound nice, even just to change position, and another cup of coffee. “All right.”

Michelle bent down and gingerly lifted Natalie out of Hannah’s arms, doing her best to avoid touching her sides.

As soon as Nat was out of her arms, dull aches (and a few sharp ones) flooded Hannah’s body. Nat was emaciated, but she wasn’t a small girl. Hannah closed her eyes, wincing, then heard Natalie fuss.

“Han, Han, Han,” she whined, reaching for Hannah.

“Shh, shh, I just want to hold you for a bit, Nat,” Michelle soothed her, swaying her side to side. “See? Hannah’s right there,” she held Nat so she could look at her.

Natalie didn’t settle, and cried, “Want Hannnnahhh.”

“Oh, I know, shh, you’re okay, baby girl. You know, Hannah used to cry for me when she was little.”

Nat sniffed and stopped wiggling, leaning her head on the doctor’s shoulder.

Michelle continued to sway Nat in her arms. “Yeah, she did. When she was very little. Her mommy told me not to leave until it was her naptime so I could leave when she was asleep and she wouldn’t cry.”

Hannah smiled. She’d forgotten about that story. “I’m right here, Nat,” she said softly, climbing out of the bed. “I just need to stretch a little.” She did just that, moving her arms above her head and behind her back.

“Been so brave today,” Michelle said softly. “Time to go back to sleep now, and Hannah’s still right here.”

Nat fussed briefly and Michelle picked up her blanket off the bed and handed it to her. Natalie buried her face in it and sucked her thumb as Michelle started humming and continued rocking her.

“You’re so good at this,” Hannah whispered.

Michelle smiled, keeping a hand protectively over Natalie’s back. “Ditto,” she whispered. “Drink your hot chocolate,” Michelle added.

Hannah relented, picking up the cup. “Was hoping for something with more caffeine,” she held the cup towards Michelle.

She smiled, still holding Nat, her long legs hanging past Michelle’s knees. “I don’t think you need to be awake all night.”

“Maybe not,” Hannah sighed, taking a sip. It was still very hot, and spread through her chest with warmth. She wasn’t sure if she liked the sensation.

“Is she out?” Michelle whispered, trying to look at Nat’s face without moving too much.

Hannah looked, and nodded. “Looks like it.”

“I’m going to put her down. If she cries, just calm her in the crib, she needs to sleep here tonight. It’s not good for her to be in strange positions while she’s healing.”

Michelle braced Nat’s back with one arm, and a hand on her head, and kept an arm under her bottom with the other. Her humming got louder briefly as Natalie’s body touched the mattress and pillow. “Shh, shh, easy.”

Natalie moaned and wiggled, but didn’t appear to wake up. Michelle tucked her in and made sure her blanket was close. She raised the bars up on her crib and locked them quietly.

Hannah watched. “You’re really so good at this. And God, you must be strong. How can you hold her so easily?”

“I work out,” Michelle winked. “Gives me some credibility on that whole healthy lifestyle thing, being a doctor and all.”

Hannah smiled. “Maybe I need to work out too then. She feels like an iron man challenge sometimes.”

Michelle rubbed Hannah’s shoulder. “You’re doing a great job, Hannah. There are really, really not many people who would even try to take care of a kid like Natalie.”

It was supposed to make Hannah feel better, but it made her want to cry. “Thanks,” she said softly.

“You’re a really good mom.”

Hannah’s head popped up. It felt weird to put it that way. Natalie wasn’t…her daughter. But there was no denying the maternal feelings she had for her. “Thanks,” she paused. “So are you. Why don’t you have any kids?”

Michelle’s eyes grew and she laughed sardonically. “Ah, Professor…that’s a long story for another day.”

“Got plenty of time,” she shrugged, feeling increasingly curious.

“Hm, not now. I need to go home to sleep. My shift ended a while ago…I just wanted to check on you. Get some sleep. And let Natalie sleep,” she eyed her. “Doctor’s orders.”

Hannah mock-saluted her. “Aye, aye, Skipper.”

Michelle smiled and hugged Hannah tightly. “Please take care of yourself,” she whispered. “You’re important too. And Natalie will be okay.”

Hannah sighed with exhaustion and let herself lean into the hug. She hoped Michelle was right.

Chapter Text

June 1987

            Alex screeched. Again. And again. And again.

            “Come onnn,” Hannah whined, near tears herself. “Baby, please…just stop crying.” She walked back and forth with Alex on her shoulder, ineffectually rubbing her back. “You’ve got to be tired…please, can’t we just go to sleep?”

            Hannah wracked her brain for what it could be. Alex was fed, burped, changed—twice, and she didn’t even need it the second time. Hannah sang to her, told her a story, and tried to entertain her with a rattle and teddy bear. She swayed and rocked her the way the books said babies do in the womb. She was doing everything right…why wasn’t Alex sleeping?

            The exhaustion hung on Hannah like a literal weight, much heavier than the eight-pound infant writhing against her. Her eyes felt pressure on them, like a sinus headache, but worse. Her movements felt like sleepwalking, and her brain was mush. She wanted to cry. She wanted to kick David in the balls for disappearing. She wanted her mom to stop being such a bitch. She wanted Grandma. Most of all, she wanted to sleep.

            Alex screamed loudly in Hannah’s ear and she gasped. God, I know why some people kill their babies by shaking them… Hannah winced at the idea. That’s a terrible thing to think… She put the baby back in her crib and sat on her bed, covering her face. Everything in her body told her to lie down, but she knew she couldn’t. Not with the baby to take care of, not with this noise. Hannah gave in to her emotions and let a few tears fall. The incessant wails of her daughter persisted.

            “Alex, stopppp,” she sobbed. “Pleasssse just stop crying so we can sleep.”

            The baby didn’t stop crying, and neither did Hannah.

            The door opened with a jerk and Hannah’s mother stood there in a floral bathrobe, her face cross and bitter. “Hannah!” she scolded. “Why are you ignoring the baby?!”

            “I’m not,” Hannah gulped. “I, I just put her down for-”

            “For how long?” Jean sneered, taking Alex out of the crib and rocking her. “She’s been crying for the better part of an hour. You may be able to ignore the baby, but your father’s got to go to work in the morning!”

            “I wasn’t ignoring her!” Hannah protested, standing up. “I just put her down for a minute…she just won’t stop crying. And I’m so tired. Will you help me, Mom? Please? Just take her for a little while tonight?”

            Jean stiffened and paused her hand on the inconsolable infant’s back. She shook her head and let out a derisive laugh. “Hah, ohhh no. You chose this, Hannah. You chose to give in to sin, and this is your penance.” She placed Alex back in Hannah’s arms. “This is your problem, young lady. You think you’re so smart,” Jean sneered. “Looks like you’ve still got a lot to learn about life, and being a mother. And it’s on your head if your father keeps going to work without any sleep!”  

            Jean left the bedroom, closing the door with a slam that made it clear she didn’t care that much about her husband resting.

            Hannah inhaled deeply, letting out a loud cry as her daughter joined in with her. “I’m sorry, Alex,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry I’m not good at this.”

            Alex wiggled and cried in response, snot dribbling out of her little nose. Hannah used her own sleeve to wipe it away, and held the baby close to her chest again. I can do it, she told herself. I can do it…

            She was too tired to get up, so she scooched back on her bed and lay the baby on her back, the comforter pushed safely out of the way. Hannah bounced, shaking the bed slightly, and rubbing her hand along Alex’s tummy. Alex’s cries got quieter.

            “You like that?” she asked with a sniff. She rubbed her hand on her baby’s round belly in a circle. She cries were still there, but getting fainter. “Please honey…please go to sleep for Mama.”

            It still felt so strange…calling herself Mama. Being a mom. Hannah was never sure she’d even wanted kids. Jenny was the one who wanted to be a mom. Hannah always thought she’d be that childless aunt who visits with elaborate gifts on random occasions. The eccentric, the traveler, the black sheep. Now she had this baby. This small, squealing tiny human with a head of thick, black hair. Her face was round, her cheeks so chubby. She looks like her father, Hannah thought bitterly. Alex didn’t look like her at all. She’d only taken Alex out of the house a few times since she’d come home, but twice people thought Hannah was Alex’s babysitter. She hadn’t corrected them. She didn’t need more people thinking she was a slut. It’s my age…she tried to tell herself. They just think I’m too young…

            Alex’s screams were nothing but small whimpers and gurgles now. Hannah rubbed her baby’s tummy with one hand, and ran her finger down her nose with the other. “Shh, sleep. Time to sleep…”

            The baby’s breathing slowed, and her whines quieted. Hannah stopped rubbing her tummy and they got louder again, so she continued. “I’m going to be a good mom,” she declared to the fussy child. “I really am. We’ll show them. Just you and me. Right?”

            Alex didn’t respond. She’d finally fallen asleep.

            Natalie slowly opened her sticky eyes. The pain and discomfort in her body made her groan, and the light from the window was too bright. She noticed the bars around her and froze with terror, unsure of where she was. But when she turned her head to the side and saw Hannah sleeping in the hospital bed beside her, she calmed down. Hannah stayed with me all night…

            Natalie lay there quietly, watching Hannah. She was still in the clothes she wore yesterday, a blanket half draped over her. The recognition that Hannah faced all that discomfort, and apparently left Alex alone for the night was…shocking. Nat stared, watching Hannah’s breathing. She didn’t remember much of the previous night, but she remembered Hannah singing to her, holding her. She had vague images of Dr. Boland too. Then she remembered spitting out the medicine, and peeing herself. Nat recoiled at the memory. Her mind was still woozy and swimming. It can’t just be from the xannie…and that would've worn off by now anyway. Oh right…She was sedated, given some sort of needle when she panicked. Who knows what it was, but it knocked her the fuck out.

            Nat tried to sit up and winced. Her shoulder, her ribs, her abdomen, everything felt like it was screaming. But she needed to get up. She had to pee. Nat looked at the bars of her crib, searching for some sort of release. Well, that was stupid, she realized after a few minutes and patting around the edges. They wouldn’t put me in here if I could just get out…

            Nat watched Hannah sleeping again. She could call to her, wake her up. But Nat had been so much trouble already, and probably kept her up late. Hannah should be home in her own bed, with Alex. Instead she was here, sleeping in her street clothes in an uncomfortable hospital bed, all because Nat was being a baby. She even had the crib to show for it. Nat sighed, and picked up the hospital call button. She could call Ellen to take her to the bathroom…that would be okay. And maybe that wouldn’t wake Hannah up.

            Nat pressed the nurse button, and saw a red light flicker on the remote.

            By the time footsteps approached the door, Nat managed to sit up, however painfully. A nurse she’d never seen before walked in, glanced at Hannah, then looked at Natalie in her crib. She tried to hide her surprise, but didn’t do a very good job. Nat’s body burned with embarrassment.

            “Do you need help with something?” the nurse asked softly.

            Nat was already uncomfortable. She didn’t know this lady. She wasn’t Ellen or Dr. Boland. She was probably wondering why the hell Nat was in a crib.

            “Um,” Nat started. “I have to go to the bathroom and…I can’t get out.” She looked away, pulling her blanket over her toys.

            “Okay, I’ll help get you out,” the nurse said, fiddling with the sides of the crib.

            The bars were lowered and Nat swung her legs over the side. Her feet dangled just a few inches off the floor. Nat stared at the ground, trying to figure out if her legs could support her if she hopped out and landed on her feet. This felt so ridiculous…she used to be a star athlete. As Nat was stuck in her thoughts, she felt strange hands touch her. She instinctively flinched, shrieked and pushed the nurse away.

            “Ow! What’re you doing?” the woman yelled.

            Panic made Nat breathe heavily, but it didn’t last long.

            Hannah popped out of her bed like she was on a spring. “What’s going on?!”

            All Nat could do was whine and reach for Hannah, who came to her instantly and let Nat wrap her arms around her. “Shh baby, what’s the matter? What happened?”

            “She just shoved me and screamed!” the nurse said. “I was only trying to help her to the bathroom.”

            “You can leave,” Hannah’s voice was firm. “I can do it. You scared her. Just go, I’ll handle it.”

            Nat squeezed Hannah, feeling her panic dissipate. Hannah’s got me. Hannah won’t let anyone hurt me. Natalie pushed her face into Hannah’s neck until she heard footsteps and the door shut.

            “Shh, it’s okay,” Hannah stroked her hair. “I’m here. You need to use the bathroom?”

            Natalie nodded.

            “Okay, let’s get down now.” Hannah gently pulled Nat out of her crib and placed her feet on the ground. Her ankles gave slightly, but she had Hannah to lean on, and was able to walk to the bathroom. She still needed Hannah to help her on and off the toilet, but anything was better than yesterday…

            Hannah walked her back out and sat her on the bed. “I’m just going to run in there too. I’ll trust you to NOT move off this bed. Got it?” Her eyes locked onto Natalie hard, and Nat nodded.

            “I’ll stay,” she squeaked.

            Hannah’s line of a mouth broke into a smile. “Good.”

            Natalie sighed. She hated when Hannah’s eyes and voice got serious like that. It felt like being in trouble.

            Hannah was quick in the bathroom, so she didn’t have much time to stew in her own thoughts.

            Hannah brushed her wet hands off on her pants. “How are you feeling, honey?”

            Nat looked at her and grumbled. “Like shit.”

            “I guess that was a stupid question,” Hannah grimaced. “But are you feeling and different? Better? Worse?”

            Nat winced at the sharp pain she felt when she shifted on her bed. “Ugh, worse. Since some of the drugs are wearing off. Can I have some more?”

            Hannah hesitated. “I’ll ask.”

            “I should be getting something for pain. With cracked fucking ribs,” Nat groaned.

            Hannah’s mouth fell open.

            “Oh yeah,” Nat turned her lip up in an embarrassed smirk. “I have cracked ribs. The doctor told me. And some are bruised too. She didn’t tell you?”

            “What?”         

            “Didn’t Dr. Boland tell you?”

            “No! She can’t!”

            “Oh yeah,” Nat moved her head back against the pillow. “I didn’t sign that thingy here, did I?”

            “No, you didn’t.”

            Nat paused, trying to read Hannah’s face. Her voice was upset. She sounded sad, but almost angry too. Sad could turn into very angry fast. Nat swallowed. Hannah’s face looked expectant, but Nat wasn’t sure what she was expecting. Worry gurgled in her tummy.

            “Well…are you going to sign it?” Hannah asked slowly.

            “Oh,” Nat paused. “What exactly is it again? That you’re allowed to be told my medical stuff?”

            “Yes, that your doctors can talk to me about what’s going on with your health.”

            Nat thought, and chewed her lip. “Everything?”

            Hannah arched an eyebrow in confusion, or maybe annoyance. “Um, I think so. You can read all of it to be sure.”

            Nat nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

            “Are you all right?” Hannah’s voice sounded heavy. She was concerned, Nat was sure of it. Why? What had Nat done now?

            Nat glanced at Hannah quickly. “Dunno.” She looked away from Hannah, into her lap.

            “Are you in a lot of pain, honey?” Hannah placed her hand on Natalie’s cheek. It was warm and felt safe. Nat leaned against it and whimpered. It felt nice. Hannah brushed her hair away from her eyes and ran her nails along Nat’s head. Nat couldn’t hide the smile that came across her face.

            Hannah chuckled, “Heh, you like that, huh?” She scratched Nat’s head a little more, and quicker. Nat scrunched up her face and giggled.

            Nat smiled and looked at Hannah again. “Tickles… It feels nice.”

            Hannah smiled back. “Good, that’s what I was going for.”

            “Is that why you do it to Alex?” Nat realized what she said and blushed.

            “Yes. And it’s why I do it for you too.” She gently tapped Nat’s nose

            Natalie’s eyes grew with cautious hope as she looked at Hannah. Her face was kind, genuine, like this wasn’t a trick at all. “You do lots of nice things for me,” Nat said softly. “I don’t like most people touching me. I,” Nat looked away, pausing. “I used to a lot with the team and Travis but because we had to but…I got even less okay with it after…” Nat’s tongue was dry, the words evaporating rapidly with the saliva.

            “Hey,” Hannah whispered, rubbing her thumb against Nat’s cheek. “It’s okay, honey. I know it must be hard to let anyone get close to you after everything you went through. It was awful out there.”

            Nat looked up. “I mean, it’s not…not just that I… wasn’t used to it happening, you know, a lot.”

            “What are you talking about?” Hannah asked.

            “Um…” There’s no way to say this without sounding pathetic… “My parents weren’t, big huggers like you are. You’re really clingy,” she tried to make her voice sound strong, like she didn’t care. “Alex too. She’s pretty clingy like you are. All touchy.”

            “Do you want me to not hug or hold you so much?” Hannah’s voice was definitely surprised.

            “No!” Nat yelled, much louder than she intended. “I…” she cleared her throat. “I really like the hugs. I really do. Everything you do for me is so nice…Hugging me and singing and…everything. I’m just not used to someone acting like they love me.”

            Natalie’s eyes squeezed shut with shame, unable to even accidentally look Hannah in the eye. I sound so pathetic… So fucking needy…

            “Well,” Hannah sounded kind. “You better start getting used to it, because I do love you, sweetheart.”

            Nat smiled through her blush, unable to say anything else. It was still strange to hear someone say that.

            Hannah held both of Nat’s cheeks in her hands. “Hey…I really do.”

            Nat wanted to cry, fling herself into Hannah, and never let go. Her voice caught, “You’re like, the best fucking thing that ever happened to me.”

            “Aw sweetie,” Hannah rubbed her thumb on Nat’s cheek. “You’re the reason I’m here at all. You want me to hold you now?”

            “Please?”

            “Of course, sweetheart.”

            Hannah gently moved Natalie so she could hold her in the bed. Nat melted into her, ignoring and discomfort, and took as deep a breath as she could without too much pain. Hannah held her gently and Nat pushed her face into the crook of Hannah’s neck. Her hand mindlessly reached to a strand of Hannah’s hair, and ran it through her fingers. Nat felt herself getting sleepy again, and she wanted her blankie.

            “Can you get my,” she paused, realizing how she kept calling that blankie hers, when really, it was Hannah’s.

            “What, baby?” Hannah rubbed her thumb on Nat’s shoulder. “You want your blanket or one of your toys?”

            Nat pushed her face into Hannah’s shoulder, squishing her nose. She really was being so little and stupid… She nodded and whispered, “Blankie…”

            Hannah smiled. “It’s okay, honey. I know you really like your blankie. I can get up and get it. Just move over a bit so I can get it out of your crib.”

            Hannah slipped out of the bed. As she picked up the blanket, it revealed Mandy, Laszlo, and Nat’s teether. “What’s this?” Hannah asked, holding up the green bear.

            Natalie felt a rush of fear and shame. An echo of her mother’s laugh rang in her ears. “You still sleep with that ratty old thing? Guess I was wrong thinking you were eleven. You must still be three.” Nat blinked and looked back at Hannah, unable to speak. Would she take the teether away? Would she laugh or scold her? She fidgeted with the hospital covers and felt her heart rate quicken.

            “Is this a teething ring?” Hannah turned it over in hands, examining it.

             Nat wanted to curl up and hide, but she knew that would be painful. She settled for bunching up and squeezing the white blanket on her lap. She wanted the teether, she wanted her blankie, she wanted Hannah to hold her. But God, this was ridiculous. She was eighteen for God’s sake. She should be out on her own. Instead, she was acting like a two-year-old, hell a one-year-old. Tears threatened to fall from Nat’s eyes.

            “Natalie, are you okay? Are you upset because I found this?” Hannah’s voice was heavy with concern again.

            Nat nodded, swallowing the lump developing in her throat.

            “It’s all right. You can have it,” she handed it to her along with her blanket.

            Natalie took the teether cautiously, watching Hannah’s face and hands as she did it. “Thank you,” she whispered.

            “Where did you get that?” Hannah asked lightly.

            Nat raised her eyes to her suspiciously. She wouldn’t rat Alex out. Alex may not have stolen it…but the fact she hid it from her Grandma meant she probably wasn’t allowed to get it.

            “Dunno,” Nat shrugged. “Don’t really remember…was really drugged yesterday.”

            Hannah sat on the foot of the bed, a curious expression on her face. “Okay…well, I don’t mind if you have it. Just like sucking your thumb.”  

            Nat pulled the blanket against her face, hiding the teether inside it. Hannah had been okay with her sucking her thumb, never told her it wasn’t okay. And she used to suck her thumb with the blankie too, so maybe that made her nicer about it. “Really okay?” she whispered.

            “Really.”

            Relief took over, and breathing became easier. But before Nat could get too comfortable, the nurse from earlier came in with a feed bag. She hesitated, looking at the two of them. “I’m here for Natalie’s feed…”

            Nat’s stomach tightened. It still felt full and uncomfortable from yesterday. She didn’t want more to go in. Her hand reached out for Hannah and she grabbed her sleeve.

            “Sorry I was a bit short with you earlier,” Hannah told the nurse sheepishly. She put a comforting hand on Nat’s head. “Nat just doesn’t do well with strangers.”  

            The nurse pressed her lips together politely and nodded. “I get it. Mama Bear mode. Will she let me hook up her feed bag?”

            Nat squirmed. Did the nurse think Hannah was her mom? She didn’t look old enough to be her mom…at least Nat didn’t think so.  

            Hannah looked at Nat kindly. “Time to eat now, honey. You’ll let the nurse hook it up for you?”

            Nat whined, but nodded.

            “It’s okay, sweetheart. Come on, I’ll hold you again.” Hannah slipped into the bed as the nurse set the feed bag on the IV.

            Nat fought off the embarrassment of knowing the nurse was watching her like she was crazy, or wondering what was wrong with her. She probably thought she was brain damaged or something.

            The TV turned on and Hannah flipped around the channels. “Look sweetie,” Hannah said gently. “Want to watch?”

            Nat peeked at the TV and it was Sesame Street. She hid her face and whimpered, feeling the formula enter her body. “Yucky,” she whined. “Don’t want food.”

            “Shh,” Hannah shushed her. “You need it. It doesn’t take too long. And I’ve got you. You can have your blanket and teething ring too, okay? Or suck your thumb, and watch Sesame Street.”

            Nat was still too shy to chew on her teether in front of anyone, but she nuzzled into Hannah’s shirt and covered her face with her blankie, sucking her thumb behind it.

            She squirmed and whined as she felt the formula going into her body, but Hannah was there. Hannah’s hand was on her head, or her shoulder, reassuring her she was safe and it would all be okay. Natalie let herself believe it. It felt good, even if it was pretend.

            Alex sat in class, mindlessly doodling cubes and swirls in the margin of her notebook. She knew most of this stuff already. It felt like every year they studied early American history, never progressing into the 20th century. It didn’t make sense, ruminating over the same events over and over again. She sighed as Mrs. Burns droned on. Two girls faintly giggled at a passed note, and Alex shifted uncomfortably. She tapped her pencil against her desk, looking out the window. She didn’t want to see who was giggling, or what they were giggling at.

It was raining again. Foggy. Cloudy. Gross. It rained more than not in the past few weeks, and it was really weighing on Alex. Yeah, the weather was gloomy. That was depressing her. Alex glanced at her friend Jessica, who was also not paying attention. She appeared to be drawing in her notebook, but really drawing. Jessica could draw well, not just like the mindless doodles Alex did.

            Alex wondered what Mom was up to, and how she was. She let the thought come forward as though it hadn’t been waiting there--existing silently, while still painfully there, like a bit of gravel in her shoe. She knew where Mom was, what she was doing. She was at the hospital, with Natalie. Alex couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just leave her there last night. Mom wasn’t a doctor or nurse. She couldn’t take care of Nat better than they could, so what was she there for? Sure, she could have gone back and visited her today while Alex was at school when Nat was awake. But Natalie was sleeping when Mom stayed last night. What was the point of staying then? Alex set her pencil at the top of her desk and watched it roll down the incline with a soft rattle.

            It wasn’t that Alex didn’t like Nat, she was okay. She was kind of weird and unpredictable, but she was going through a lot. You’re meant to give people lots of leeway when they’re going through a lot. Everyone was nicer to Alex last year when Mom went missing. She didn’t need to complete her homework on time, and the kids who used to be jerks to her stopped. Or, mostly stopped.

            Middle school will be different, Alex told herself. This is still elementary school with little kids. But it’ll be more serious there, people will respect me more for knowing lots of things. I’m going to be eleven soon, she thought. That’s not a little kid anymore. After that is twelve, which is definitely not a little kid, and after that thirteen, which was a Bonafide teenager. But Alex didn’t feel like a teenager. She just wanted Mom. Mom had been back for months now, but…she wasn’t really back. Her mind was always somewhere else, and this past week it was always with Natalie. Maybe once Nat was well enough she could go home to her own mom. Alex was told Nat’s mom couldn’t take care of her, but maybe once she was stronger it would be okay. Or maybe she could just take care of herself? She was eighteen, that was a legal adult after all. Maybe she could go to college and live there.

            Alex sighed. The clock above the classroom door was ticking loudly. Three hours and twenty-two minutes until she could go home. She hoped Mom would be there, but knew she probably wouldn’t.

Chapter Text

            Hannah brushed Nat’s hair gently and tried to pull it back. “I can braid your hair later, after we wash it.”

            Nat smiled, but it faded quickly. “When are we washing it?”

            “I didn’t formally schedule it, but you need a shower today.”

            Nat’s cheeks colored and she looked away. “I smell bad?” she whispered.

            “That’s not what I said,” Hannah gently touched Nat’s cheek. “Just, need to get used to showering regularly again after…everything. And being cleaner will probably feel nice. You said it did, right?”

            Nat whimpered and held her blankie against her face. “No.”

            Hannah sighed. God, this is what started this whole fiasco. Was she really going to have to enter a battle every time Natalie needed to bathe? Nat had pulled away from Hannah, holding her Mandy doll close and playing with her hair.

            Hannah remembered how Nat reacted when first given the doll. How Nat said “she” wanted to go home. That was definitely Natalie’s projection, maybe she could play into that... “I think Mandy might need a bath soon, too.”

            Natalie frowned. “No, she doesn’t. She’s clean.” She protectively held her hand over her doll.

            “Well, even if she’s clean now, she’ll need one eventually.”

            “No,” Nat said firmly. She was now openly glaring at Hannah.

            “Okay,” Hannah sighed. “Well, if Mandy ever needs a bath, just, tell her it’ll be nice. And we won’t let her get hurt.”

            “I take care of Mandy,” Nat hugged her tightly. “No one can hurt her. No one.”

            Hannah regarded Nat in silence, planning her words carefully. “Right. I won’t let anyone hurt Mandy either. But…we need to make sure she doesn’t get hurt in the bathroom alone. And…I don’t think she can do it on her own right now. She needs a little help.”

            “I do it,” Nat held Mandy against her chest with both arms, as though Hannah threatened to take her away.

            Fuck, I don’t think this is working, Hannah thought. An image of Natalie fighting and flailing while nurses attempted to bathe her entered her mind. Arguing with a more healed Nat in her own home to take a shower. The prospect of having a young adult with childishly bad hygiene in her home... Alex would notice. Her mother would notice. Hannah felt sick. And what about how Natalie would feel? She’d find it traumatizing to be forced into the shower, and what if she hurt herself more? Would she need to be sedated? Given sponge baths? Would she even allow that? Clearly she felt self-conscious, she looked so when embarrassed asking if she smelled bad. Maybe that meant she wasn’t going to fight that hard…

            Then it occurred to Hannah, she already helped Nat wash without any fighting. Granted, she was probably in shock at the time, but Hannah remembered how she relaxed she was under the water. She almost seemed to like Hannah rinsing her hair and face. “Well, if you ever want help with Mandy or if…you’re tired, I can help. Like how I helped you after you fell and rinsed the shampoo out of your eyes, and helped you finish washing your hair.”

            The tension in Nat’s body eased slightly, and she watched Hannah suspiciously with wet eyes. She looked back at her doll. “Warm water?” she asked slowly.

            Hannah smiled. “Of course. Nice and warm.”

            Nat pulled her arms and Mandy away from her chest, and looked at her doll. “Mandy doesn’t like being cold,” she said softly.

            “I don’t either. But we are nice and warm inside here, and I can wrap Mandy up in a warm blanket too.”

            Nat nodded. “Mandy blankie.” She pointed to the baby blanket sitting in her crib.

            “Okay, that’s Mandy’s blankie?”

            Nat nodded again.

            Hannah leaned over and grabbed it out of the crib. “Want me to wrap her up in it like a new baby? So she’s extra warm?”

            Nat nodded eagerly. “Yes, Mandy extra warm,” she cuddled the doll.

            Hannah spread the blanket over her lap. “Can I have her?”

            With slight hesitation, Nat handed her doll over. Hannah folded down a corner of the blanket a bit and put the doll’s head there. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, almost eleven years!” she laughed.

            As she swaddled the doll with Nat watching intently, Hannah realized it was almost exactly eleven years ago. Alex’s birthday was four, no three weeks away. She’d not planned anything. No party, no cake, not even gotten Alex so much as a card. She held her emotions under the tidal wave of guilt and cleared her throat, handing the bundled-up doll back to Natalie.

            Nat grinned and cradled the doll in her arms. “All warm.” She caressed the toy lovingly. “I’m here baby,” she said softly, kissing its head.

            Hannah’s heart melted. “Yes, she’s all safe and warm. And you’ll let me help take care of yu-her, right?”

            Nat nodded slowly. “But no bath today yet,” she said, half a question. “Please?” Big puppy eyes stared into Hannah.

 “Okay,” Hannah relented. “We can another day.”

Relief came across Nat’s face, and she leaned back into Hannah, her head heavy on her chest. “Sleepy ‘gain.”

            Hannah placed a hand on her forehead and ran fingers through her hair. “You can take a nap, sweetheart.”

            Natalie nuzzled into Hannah and gripped her shirt collar. Nat’s thump popped into her mouth and her weight sunk slowly into Hannah’s body.

            Hannah cringed at the discomfort. Natalie’s gaunt frame pressing into her, feeling her breathe and drool into her without inhibition. Hannah needed to get up, walk, stretch. She should’ve put Nat in her crib for a nap. But how could she not want to hold her so she felt safe enough to sleep? Hannah sighed and brushed some of Nat’s hair away from her face. She did look like such a baby. Hannah gently ran her finger along Nat’s nose and kissed her head. She’d cuddle her a little longer, then press the nurse button for help to put her in her crib. In a few minutes.

            “Natalie,” a soft voice said. “Natalie, can you wake up for a little bit?”

            Nat groaned, opening her eyes to see a blurry image of Dr. Boland. “What?” she croaked.

            “I need to talk to you a little, okay? Can you sit up?”

            Nat grumbled loudly, wanting the doctor to know just how disturbing this interruption was. When she managed to hold herself up she looked around the room. “Where’s Hannah?”

            “Hannah’s getting something to eat. She’s still here in the hospital, just a floor below. And you’ll see her in a little bit, so don’t worry.”

            “I wasn’t worried,” Nat mumbled, looking away.

            “I did want to talk to you without Hannah here, though.”

            Nat eyed her suspiciously. “Why?”

            Dr. Boland sighed, looking unaffected by Nat’s demeanor. “Because it’s private. And you’ve also not signed the HIPAA disclosure agreement.” She held up several papers on a clipboard. “Hannah keeps asking, so I brought them if you want to sign them. But I want to talk about your condition and treatment first.”

            “I’m doing fucking great,” Nat’s voice grew louder with each word. “Or at least I would be if you gave me some more pain meds.”

            “You’re on an appropriate dose of a little pain medication.”

            “Appropriate? God, I feel like I’m being run over by a mack truck every time I move,” Nat grimaced, placing a hand on her stomach dramatically.

            “Like I said,” her voice got firm. “You are on an appropriate level of medication for your condition.”

            Nat squeezed a bar of her crib tightly as she pulled herself up more and winced. “What the fuck does that even mean? Appropriate,” Nat mocked.

            “I think you know what it means, Natalie.” Dr. Boland took a step closer. “And I think you know that pain medication can be addictive.”

            “Oh, can it?” Nat wagged her head from side to side.

The doctor looked at Nat with a decidedly unamused expression. She was really tall. It made Nat feel painfully childish and vulnerable as she sat in her crib, and she repressed the urge to hold her blanket. She wiggled uncomfortably and fiddled with her blanket on her lap. She wanted Hannah.

            “I know you’re really frustrated and in a lot of pain, Nat. And I’m going to keep doing everything I can to help you.”

            Natalie looked at her with a frown and grunted. She wanted to kick.

            “The nurses told me you’ve still not had a bowel movement.”

            Nat cringed and grit her teeth. “God, I hate that phrase.”

            “I can call it whatever you want instead,” she started. “Number two, poop, crap, shit…”

            Nat’s eyes widened briefly and she checked the doctor’s face for signs of anger. She didn’t see any.  

            “Either way,” Dr. Boland sighed. “You haven’t gone. And you may not remember, but I gave you a laxative last night. It still hasn’t kicked in. I’m going to give you another dose, and if that doesn’t work, we may need to try other methods.”

            Nat’s stomach dropped. “What does that mean?”

            Dr. Boland waved her hand away. “I don’t want to say yet, because I want to see how the next six to twelve hour go.”

            That wasn’t comforting at all. “Is that it?”

            “Not exactly. You’re going to continue your tube feeds for the next few days, and after the weekend I want you to try and eat normally, by mouth. You’re still going to have your tube, but we need to start that transition. And we will be closely monitoring your weight. I need you to be very careful about your movements so your ribs can heal, as well as your abdomen. You’ll need more MRIs in the next few weeks to see how you’re healing and make sure nothing else is going wrong in there. Unfortunately, you can’t do some important breathing exercises for your abdomen without greatly aggravating your ribs. You need physical therapy, but you can’t burn too many calories. We are sort of between a rock and a hard place.”

            “Okay…are you saying you don’t know what to do with me?”

            “No,” she said confidently, looking directly at Nat. “It means that your healing process is likely going to be very, very slow. The healing of some of your issues can affect the healing of others, so it’s a bit like medical whack-a-mole. We need to keep a close eye on you, and even going day by day is a stretch. If anything, it’s hour by hour.”

            Nat squeezed her eyes shut and put her head back. “This is going to take fucking forever, isn’t it?”

            “Not forever. But I do not see you leaving this hospital for weeks. And I don’t see you fully recovering from all of this for many months,” her voice softened, as if that would somehow make it easier.

            Angry tears came to Nat’s eyes and she bit her lip, hitting a bar on her crib with a first.

            “I know you’re angry, angel. That’s okay, I would be too. But you need to cooperate the best you can and not hurt yourself more. And go along with what’s recommended. Remember, I can’t force you to do anything, that’s your choice.” She placed the clipboard with the paperwork and a pen in Nat’s crib. “I need to get going now. Hannah will be back soon, and Ellen should check on you shortly too. She’ll be bringing you the medicine, and I hope it’ll be easier taking it this time, okay?”

            Nat flushed in shame and couldn’t resist holding her blankie to her face. Was she making fun of her? Giving a veiled threat for her to behave?

            “It’s all right,” Dr. Boland said gently, leaning in a little. “I’m not trying to embarrass you. I just mean I hope you can take it without any stress. And it’s okay if you do have any other accidents.”

            Nat whimpered in humiliation. “Won’t,” she whined. “Not a baby.”

“No angel, you’re not. You’re just healing up from a lot. And I still won’t tell Hannah unless you’re okay with it.”  The doctor pulled the bars up on her crib and they locked into place. “I know it’s hard, baby girl,” she said. “But you’re a fighter, I know you can do this.”

            Nat frowned and crossed her arms across her chest when the doctor left the room. She kicked the bars of her crib and hurt her toes. What does she know?

            Hannah was fiddling with the lid of her coffee cup when Michelle approached her in the cafeteria. “You’ve claimed this booth, have you?”

            Hannah smirked, realizing it was the same spot she sat with Michelle yesterday. “Yeah, I guess.”

            Michelle sat opposite her, set down her own coffee and pulled out a granola bar.

            “How is she?” Hannah asked tentatively.

            “No screaming or assaulting the nurses, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Michelle said lightly, taking a bite of her snack.

            Hannah snorted. “Okay…but really.”

            Michelle moved her from head side to side while twisting her mouth in thought. “She’s spicy. She likes to challenge authority, that’s for sure. But she’s scared. She’s so scared.”

“Did she ask about pain meds again? I’m worried about that…”

“I can’t tell you what we discussed. But, I understand why you’re worried about her asking for anything…habit forming.” Michelle looked at her with intention. “I left the consent paperwork with her.”

            “Did she sign them?”

            “Not while I was there.” Michelle looked at Hannah’s eager expression. “And there’s no guarantee she will.”

            Hannah’s eyebrows knitted together. “What? Why-”

            “Because, she is old enough to make that choice. And there may be some things she wants to keep private.”

            Hannah deflated with a heavy sigh, shoulders slumping forward. She couldn’t bring herself to argue. It took too much energy.

“I did discuss some more of Nat’s issues with her just now. So she knows how serious it is.”

            Hannah froze, looking at Michelle worriedly. “It’s really bad, isn’t it?”

            Michelle sighed heavily. “Hannah, please don’t fish. If she signs it, I can talk to you about it. But just see if she tells you if you ask. Nat’s feeling really helpless now. She might want to hold onto some privacy.”

            “I guess you’re right,” Hannah poked a hole in the coffee lid with the skinny red stirrer. “God, I’m fucking exhausted.”

            “I’m not surprised. Did you get any sleep last night?”

            Hannah grimaced. “Some. After you forced me to bed.”

            “Wouldn’t have to if you did it yourself.” Michelle took a sip from her cup, and watched Hannah closely. “You ate today, right?”

            “What? Oh, yeah. I had a sandwich.” Hannah stared at her coffee cup’s white plastic top, feeling the ridges along the pad of her thumb.

            “There’s a good vegetarian Chinese restaurant down the street. You should check it out. You shouldn’t be living on grilled cheese and coffee.”

            Hannah shrugged. “I told my mom I’ll have dinner at her place tonight.”

            “Good,” Michelle leaned back in the chair. “You’re being really quiet.”

            “I’m just…tired.”

            “Come on, Professor, I know it’s more than that.”

            Hannah rolled her eyes. “I guess I’m just feeling really conflicted, you know?”

            “About what specifically?”

            Hannah bit her lip. “This sounds bad.”

            “Go on, I like juicy details.”

            With a laborious inhale and heavy exhale Hannah blurted it out. “I don’t know how to balance Nat and Alex. I miss my kid…for God’s sake she was all I thought about for the longest time. I lived to get back to her. But out there Natalie reminded me of her, this poor, innocent kid struggling and suffering. I put so much effort into keeping her alive. Then when I got back from Canada, I spend every waking minute with Alex. I wasn’t sure I’d even see Nat again. Then I got that call from the hospital saying there was no one to pick her up…” Hannah’s eyes watered.

            “You’ve taken on a lot, Hannah,” Michelle said gently.

            “I know!” Hannah said, louder than she intended. She pulled her shoulders in to make herself smaller. “I just…Natalie needs me so bad. I want to be home with Alex after being away but, she has my mom and dad. How can I leave Nat in this state? And fuck I just…don’t know how to do this.”  

            Michelle drained her coffee cup and smacked her lips together. “Take my advice. Do not neglect Alex. Stay home tonight. Natalie needs constant care, but she will get that here. Plus, she needs to learn how to cope without you always by her side. Come back tomorrow after you’ve spent the evening with your daughter and gotten some rest.”

            “But what if Natalie freaks out like she did before?”

“Then we’ll handle it.”

Hannah wanted to argue, but no good protest was coming to mind. She put her hands through her hair and rested her elbows on the table. “Okay… And just, I’m also selfishly worried what people think of me in terms of the girls… My mom’s being nice but…I’m so worried about her judging my parenting. It was so bad when Alex was little, and I don’t want to deal with it again.”

            “Your mom’s not a bad person, Hannah. She’s a wet blanket, but she loves you a lot. I think she’s going to give you a lot of grace here. Even if she doesn’t understand Nat.”

            Hannah pulled her hands away from her face and fixed her hair. “Yeah…”

            Michelle stood up and put her hand on Hannah’s shoulder, squeezing it. “You are doing a good job, Hannah. You can go up to see Nat for a while now. I’m sure she’s dying to tell you what a pushy bitch I am.”

            Hannah laughed and squeezed Michelle’s hand that was still on her shoulder.

            Michelle rubbed her other should with the other hand and gave her a playful shake. “Just beep me if you need to.” She turned and tossed her empty cup in the trash. “I need to get back to work, I’ll see you later.”

            “Later,” Hannah breathed out, too soft for Michelle to even hear.

She was so fucking tired.  

            Hannah pulled up to her mother’s house with a sense of dread. She’d spent the last hour battling her urges to fall asleep at the wheel or turn back to comfort a sobbing Natalie. She’d not thought about how rush-hour traffic would make the trip longer.

            Hannah squeezed the steering wheel, held her head down, and took a deep breath. I can do it…I can do it…

            With heavy feet, Hannah climbed out of the car and up the familiar walkway. She could’ve gone into the house without looking. Every dip in the concrete, where it curved along the front lawn, the crack in the front step. The sound of her father’s voice came through the door, followed by Alex’s laugh. Hannah almost smiled. She was grateful Alex was still able to laugh.

            With a gently push Hannah opened the door. “Hey,” she said softly. The smell of food from the kitchen overwhelmed her immediately, but not in a bad way. “Smells good.”

            “There’s my pretty!” her father beamed from his lounge chair. “Come give me a squeeze!”

            Warmth filled Hannah’s chest as her father hugged her tightly. He smelled faintly of beer, and sweat. His hugs were thicker now, he’d put on some weight since he retired two years earlier.

            “Hey Mom,” Alex’s brightened, but she didn’t look to hug her. That was okay. Hannah was pretty touched out after all the time with Nat. “Grandpa and I are telling riddles.”         

            “Oh yeah?” she sat on the couch beside her daughter. “Like what?”

            “Okay!” Alex looked at the pad of paper in her hand. “If a rooster lays an egg on top of a henhouse, which way does it fall? Left or right?”

            Hannah smirked and glanced at her father. His “idiot test”. She knew these jokes back to front, but this must’ve been the first time he told them to Alex. “Hm, I don’t know. Is the henhouse roof pitched more to the right or left?”

            “No,” Alex grinned.

            “Is the wind blowing from either direction?”

            “No! Not a windy day,” Alex giggled, biting her lip.  

            “Okay,” Hannah put her hands up. “What is it?”

            “TRICK QUESTION!” Alex shouted theatrically. “Roosters are male! They don’t lay eggs! You should know that.” She collapsed into giggles.

            Hannah’s face smiled, but she couldn’t feel it. All she could think about was the next riddle in Dad’s “idiot test”. “When a plane crashes on the border of the US and Mexico, where are the survivors buried?” She had to avoid it, whether or not Alex had the sense to do so.

            “That’s really funny,” Hannah smiled. “I’m going to go say hi to Grandma though, be right back.”

            “Hey Mom,” Hannah said softly, walking into the kitchen. Her mother was in front of the stove, tending to the chowder. She could see raw bacon sitting on the counter, and an empty skillet waiting to fry them up. Hannah swallowed.

            “Hi dear,” her mother smiled. “I thought some clam chowder would be good tonight, some comfort food. You’ll eat that, right?”

            Hannah nodded, forcing her face to look happier. “Yeah, yeah but…”

            “I’m not putting the bacon in,” she added. “I told your father I’d fry and chop it up so he can put it in his own bowl. Alex too. I know you’ve given up meat,” her mother sighed. “For now.”

            Hannah repressed her oncoming eyeroll. “Thanks, Mom. I really do appreciate it.”      

            Her mother smiled and put a hand to Hannah’s cheek, kissing the other one. “I made biscuits too—just the kind in the can. And a salad. We can serve that now actually. Oh! And we made your favorite blueberry pie for dessert."

            Tears threatened Hannah’s tired eyes and she looked away. “Thank you.”

            “Alexandra!” Jean called. “Come set the table and put the salad out.”

            “In a few minutes, Grandma!” Alex called back. “I’m doing some-”

            “No, young lady,” Jean scolded. “I want the table set now.”

            Alex let out a huff audible from the kitchen. She came in with clear annoyance on her face as her grandmother looked at her with reproach.

            Jean put the tongs in the salad bowl and handed it to her granddaughter. Alex took the bowl wordlessly and then came back to open the cupboard.

            “Oh, I’ll get-” Hannah started.

            “You don’t have to, Mom,” Alex added, stretching on her tiptoes to pull out four low bowls. “I can reach it now.”

            “Oh,” Hannah watched, realizing Alex must’ve grown more than she realized.

            The sizzle and smell of bacon chased Hannah out of the kitchen, as she sat at the dining table, watching her daughter bring in the utensils.

            “Make sure to put the silverware and glasses are in the proper place,” Jean reminded.

            “I know, I know,” Alex said, walking around the table, placing them around the bowls. “Spoons go on the right and glasses go on the left,” she recited back to her grandmother.

            “Good girl,” she responded proudly.

            “Grandma turned on the etiquette lessons, huh?” Hannah asked.

            “Yeah,” Alex shrugged. “I don’t know why she thinks she has to remind me anymore. I’ve been doing it for like, six months.”

            Hannah’s chest clenched. More than six months, she thought. She remembered being in the living room, hugging a teary-eyed Alex that warm September morning. “It’s just a few weeks,” she’d told her. “Just like summer camp, and then I’ll be home in time for Thanksgiving.”

            “Richard, dinner’s ready!” Jean called, bringing out a large serving dish of chowder.

            “Do you want me to get the drinks?” Hannah asked, realizing she’d not remembered to ask if they needed help with anything.

            “No, no,” her mother waved her off. “You just sit there and serve yourself. I’ll get the iced tea. I need to wait for the biscuits to finish anyway.”

            Hannah’s father plopped into the dining chair and looked at her quietly. “You look like death warmed over.”

            “Thanks, Dad. Now tell me what you really think.”

            “Oh, you know what I mean!” he laughed. “You look like you’ve not slept in a week. And did you lose more weight?”

            Shit, it must be noticeable, Hannah thought. Her mother was one thing, but her father pointing out things like that?

            “It’s been really rough with Natalie…” she started.

            He took a swig of his beer, and giving himself a hearty ladle-full of chowder. “Girl’s still really messed up, huh?”

            The oven dinged, alerting them to the biscuits, as Jean scurried to put them on the top of the stove to cool.

            Hannah cleared her throat and took a sip of iced tea. “Yeah. She has broken ribs from falling.”

            Alex gasped. “That’s really bad isn’t it? Do they have to put her chest in a cast?”

            “Uh, no.” Hannah paused. “That’s what’s really hard about it, because it takes so long to heal.”

            Jean came back to the table, looking frustrated as she served Hannah a large bowl of chowder and salad. “Eat up, honey. Your father’s right that you look too thin.”

            “Thanks,” Hannah said, dipping her spoon into the steaming hot chowder. It smelled good, familiar. Not just the food itself, but the food mixed with the scents of her family, her home. She knew how it would taste before it even reached her lips.

            A plate of steaming Pillsbury biscuits and small bowl of chopped up bacon were placed on the table before Jean finally sat down.

            “Alex, eat your salad,” Jean tutted. “You need to eat your vegetables.”

            “I am,” Alex protested, taking a bite of one piece of lettuce. “I just, want a biscuit first.” She reached for one and started buttering it. “Oh! Mom, I helped Grandma make the pie tonight. It looks really good.”

            Jean looked at her granddaughter proudly. “Alex did almost all of it, I only helped with the crust.”

            “I can’t wait to try it,” Hannah added. “You’re going to be as good a cook as Grandma soon, sweetie.”

            “Yeah, I even want to try and make my own birthday cake this year for everyone! I don’t want that boring ice cream cake the rink usually serves,” Alex wrinkled her nose.

            “Rink?”

            “Roller skating,” Hannah’s father said with his mouth full of a biscuit. “That roller rink over near the church, you know. Your mother booked it for Alex’s birthday.”

            “Oh,” Hannah sat there dumbly. “That sounds fun.”

            “Yeah, I’m pretty good at roller blading now,” Alex started. “I started going a lot after church and made a friend there too. Her name is Debbie and she can even rollerblade backwards. Without falling over!”

            “That’s really cool,” Hannah answered. Her daughter continued on about her new friend, her birthday plans, and her hopes for the upcoming summer.

            Hannah listened as she ate, like she was watching animals on the sidelines, understanding their behaviors and social structure. An observer. An outsider.

            She wondered how Natalie was doing.

Chapter Text

Natalie hugged her blanket to her face and fought the tears. She chewed on her teether anxiously, so hard she knew there would be dents. She wanted Hannah. No matter how much Hannah reassured her she would be back in the morning, the panic would not go away. Hannah hadn’t left her alone for more than an hour or two in nearly a week, only taking a short trip to pick Alex up at her parents’. And Nat had been asleep most of that time.

What if Hannah didn’t come back tomorrow? What if she left Nat all alone in the hospital? What if she was just lying and wanted to get rid of her? She’d been bad enough to make Hannah leave. Why would anyone want her? Nat kicked her feet in frustration and shook one of the metal bars on her crib. She wanted to run away. Go find Hannah. But she was stuck, and she knew if she tried to escape, she’d get very hurt and maybe be tied up to the bed or put in a straight jacket like a crazy person. Hannah would want to come get her even less if she was being that bad.

Natalie whined and cried softly into her blanket. She wanted to be picked up and held. Her tummy was still so full and hurt and felt yucky. Worse, Dr. Boland, Ellen and other nurses kept encouraging her to try and poop. She resisted the new nurse who tried to bribe her with candy if she went. It made Natalie so mad she cursed her out. Nat was hoping Hannah wouldn’t be told about it. That wasn’t part of that thing she signed was it? She just kept messing everything up.

Quick footsteps approached the door and Nat’s stomach clenched. Dr. Boland appeared in front of her crib, slowly crossing her arms across her chest. She looked serious, she looked mad. Nat hid under her covers.

“Natalie,” Dr Boland said firmly. “I think we need to talk.”

Nat trembled under her blanket and bit her lip to keep from crying. That never actually meant talking. That meant yelling or punishments. Usually both. And she would probably tell Hannah she’d been bad, then she would be mad at her too.

“Natalie,” Dr. Boland’s voice softened slightly, and Nat heard the bars of her crib click and be lowered. Dr. Boland could pick her up if she wanted, or smack her. Natalie curled up as much as her body allowed, and whimpered.

“Angel, I’m not going to hurt you. You can stay under the covers right now. But we need to talk about the way you spoke to Gladys earlier. You remember who she is?”

            Gladys. That must’ve been her name. It was an old lady name.

            Nat scooched backwards in her crib until she felt the metal bars against her. She could still easily be grabbed or hit, but it felt safer to make some space.

            “You said some very nasty things to her.”

            Nat was silent, fidgeting with her teether.

            “You’re not allowed to behave like that, Natalie. You’ve got to be nice to the nursing staff, even if they do things you don’t like.”

            A strangled sob came out of the blanket, and Nat covered her mouth. She broke the rules, she was definitely in trouble.

            “I know you’re scared and in pain right now. And I’m not happy with how you treated Gladys. I expect you to apologize to her tomorrow, and no more mistreating anyone like that again. Is that clear?”

            Nat whined and squeezed her blanket. Words were too hard.

            “Natalie,” Dr. Boland said gently. “I’m not happy, but I’m not going to hurt you.”

            It had to be a trick. That didn’t make any sense. Why else would she come in here?

            “Natalie, I want you to look at me. Can I pull your blanket down for a minute? I promise I’m not going to hurt you.”

            Nat bit down on her teether hard and slipped her hand out of the blanket with the pinky outstretched. The doctor locked her pinky around hers and shook it. Nat gasped slightly and pushed her teether away as she peeked out from under the covers. Dr. Boland would see she’d been crying.

            “Hey,” her voice was kind as she leaned in a little closer. “I know you’re very stressed, I know. And you miss Hannah a lot.”

            Nat couldn’t help the loud sob that escaped her lips.

            “Shh, it’s okay,” Dr. Boland reached out her hand and placed it on Nat’s arm.

            It made Nat jump, but she was being gentle. Natalie eyed her suspiciously and whimpered.

            “Tonight’s your first night away from Hannah in a while, huh?”

            Nat cried and nodded, unable to feel anything but a desperate need to be picked up and soothed. “Hannah…” she squeezed her blanket as tears fell down her face.

            “Shh, I know honey,” Dr. Boland touched her head. “Hey,” she leaned in whispering conspiratorially. “I’m not technically not supposed to spend this much time in here, but would you like some hugs?”   

            Nat looked at her questioningly for a moment. She wanted to be held, really badly. “No trouble?”

Dr. Boland smiled and carefully rubbed Nat’s arm. “No, you’re not in trouble. I was angry about how you treated Gladys, and I still expect you to apologize tomorrow. But you won’t be hurt for that or anything else. Remember? I promised.” She wiggled her pinky.

Nat considered it for a moment longer before reaching her arms out. Dr. Boland gently scooped her up and cradled her in her arms. She was a tall woman, probably six feet, and she was able to hold Nat easier than Hannah. Nat’s body tensed momentarily, but she felt herself being swayed. Dr. Boland hummed and the vibrations went through her chest. It felt safe. Nat was tired, and she leaned her head into her shoulder.       

“I know you’re scared, angel. But Hannah will be back tomorrow, okay? I know she will.”

Nat fussed and let out a cry, pushing her face into Dr. Boland’s scrub shirt.

“Shh,” she shushed, rocking her more. “I know, maybe you’re used to people leaving you and not coming back?”

Natalie cried more and pulled at the doctor’s shirt collar. “Hannah…” she sniffed. “Hannah back…”

“Shh, yes. Hannah will be back tomorrow.” She sat on the side of the bed, Nat still cradled in her arms. “And tomorrow will be a better day, all right? Every day you heal more. But it’s okay to still be sad and scared and cry angel.”

Nat shook her head and hid her face. “No cry.”

“Yes, cry. It’s okay to cry.”

Nat shook her head again. “Bad girl. No cry.”

“No, not at all,” she gently bounced her. “You’re not a bad girl, and you’re allowed to cry.”

Nat sniffed and looked at the doctor curiously, nuzzling against her. She regarded her face, lacking anger or frustration. She was letting Nat cry, letting her be so bad without punishment, and giving her cuddles. She still couldn’t understand why. But sleep was starting to creep up on Nat, and she eyed the doctor one more time before slipping her thumb in her mouth.

“That’s okay,” Dr. Boland said. “You’re safe now, honey.”

Nat inhaled and let her heavy eyes closed. The doctor was humming again. She tried to pick out the tune the song was from, but she fell asleep too quickly.

            “Do you want to watch a movie when we go home?” Hannah asked Alex, trying to feel normal.

            “Yeah, I guess,” Alex answered, sounding less than enthusiastic.

            Hannah paused, trying to read her daughter and pay attention to the road at the same time. “Do you not want to?”

            “No, we can. Just, I guess we don’t have anything that new or interesting to watch.”

            “Should we stop by Blockbuster? Or, we can check out pay-per-view.”

            Alex shrugged. “If you want.”

            Hannah hesitated. It wasn’t normal for Alex’s mood to be so…flat. “Are you okay?”

            “Why wouldn’t I be?”

            Hannah pulled onto their street. “You’re not talking much.”

            “Mm,” Alex shrugged again, looking out the window. “I don’t have much to say.”

            Hannah put the car in park, looking at her daughter closely as she unbuckled her seat belt. Alex wasn’t looking at her. Her posture was more rigid than usual, her bubbly mood deflated.

            “Honey, are you mad at me?” Hannah asked, feeling ashamed.

            Alex’s eyes grew slightly as she glanced at her mother. “Mad? Um, not really. I guess, I’m just still getting used to you being home again. And well, me being actually home too.”

            The statement sucked the air out of Hannah’s lungs. She couldn’t respond before Alex got out of the car.

Hannah pulled herself together and followed to the front door. “We could play Yahtzee or Scrabble,” she tried again.

            Alex shook her head. “No, we can’t. I lost one of the dice from Yahtzee. And I left the Scrabble game at Grandma and Grandpa’s. We can just watch a movie.”

            “Oh,” Hannah’s voice fell. She mustered some perkiness and tried to revive her mood. “Well, I’m definitely in the mood to laugh tonight. Pick one we’ve not watched in a while!”

            The corner of Alex’s mouth turned up slightly. “Okay, I’ll look.”

            Hannah leaned down to kiss her head and walked into the house. As she put her bag on the kitchen counter, she saw the red light on the answering machine flashing.

            With anxious fingers Hannah pressed the “play” button.

            “You have SEVENTEEN new messages,” the machine beeped loudly.

            “Hi, this is Tim from New Beginnings Physical Therapy. We’re calling for Natalie. She’s missed her appointment this morning. Unfortunately, we will have to charge in full for no-shows…Hope to see you soon!”

            “Oh shit,” Hannah slapped her forehead. She’d completely forgotten.

The next message began. “Hi Hannah, it’s Mom. I just wanted to see how-” Delete.

            “Hello, I’m calling for Ms. Hannah Finch and Ms. Natalie Scattorcio. This is Mark Finston from The Star Ledger. We’re hoping to do an interview about-” Delete. God, someone must’ve leaked my number to the press. Hannah inhaled and fought off the images of the press swarming them at the hospital. She shuddered.

            “This is Tina with Eyewitness News and I’m calling for-” Delete.

            “This is an automated reminder for NATALIE SCATTORCIO for a physical therapy appointment with TIM DAWSON at New Beginnings Physical Therapy tomorrow, THURSDAY at NINE AM.” Delete.

            Shit, she forgot two appointments for Natalie.

            Hannah ran her hand through her hair as Alex approached her. “You okay, Mom?”

            “Oh, yeah. Just we have SO many messages.”

            Alex nodded. “Yeah, it’s filled up a lot lately. Lots of reporters want to talk to you.”

            Hannah gaped at her daughter as another message began—from another news outlet. “You know about that?”

            “Well, yeah,” Alex replied, as though it were a foolish question. “We’ve had reporters calling for months. But,” Alex bit her lip, realizing she’d said too much.

            Anxiety grew in Hannah’s stomach. “But what?”

            Alex twisted her face guiltily. “Grandma’s been deleting them…Whenever she came over and you weren’t home, she’d check the machine and…delete any from reporters.”

            “What?”

            “Sorry…I wasn’t supposed to tell you. Grandma thought they’d get you upset. She called them dirty vultures. Once before you got home, they came to the house…Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Grandma got so mad. She was yelling and her face was red. She even cursed. I thought she was going to punch the lady.” 

            Hannah looked at her daughter incredulously. “Oh.”

            “Sorry,” Alex repeated. “She told me not to tell you. Can you please not tell her I did?”

            Hannah nodded. “Yeah, yeah, that’s okay. Just, go choose us a movie.”

            Alex gratefully ran off to the living room, opening their video cabinet.

            Hannah listened to two more messages—one from the dietician she’d found, and another from her mom. Then…

            “Hey, this is Van. I was calling for Nat, to see how she’s doing. You too Hannah. You can call me back when you get a chance. My number is 732-555-3753.”

            Hannah scrambled for a pencil and scrap of paper. She replayed the message and copied the phone number down. Van. Van would know more about Natalie’s history.

            Hannah shut the messages off and dialed Van’s phone number.

            It rang three times.

             “Hello?”

            “Van, is that you?” Hannah asked anxiously.

            “Yeah. Who is this?”

            “It’s Hannah.”

            There was a brief pause. “Is Nat okay?” her voice cracked with worry.

            “Yeah! Well, uh, no not exactly.”

            Annoyance crept into Van’s voice. “Well, which is it?”

            “She’s…stable.”

            “What the hell does that mean?!”

            “Just, hang on a minute. I called because I just got your message. Nat um, she’s in the hospital again. She’s been having a hard time and she just…needs to be tube fed again.”

            “Why?” Van’s anger turned to concern.

            “She’s not been doing well eating, and lost weight. She kept throwing up, a lot. And then…she fell in the shower.”

            “She fell in the shower?!”

            Hannah sighed heavily. “Yeah. She refused to use the shower chair. So, she slipped and fell. Cracked some ribs.”

            Van groaned. “Of course she did. Fucking Nat.”

            “Yeah…” Hannah sighed again, less tense now. “She’s in pretty rough shape as you can imagine.”

            “Did she need any other surgeries or anything?”

            “No, thank God. Just, the feeding tube, and her ribs need to heal. But that takes a long time. Along with everything else.”

            “Maybe I’ll come visit her. If it’s okay.”

            Hannah thought of Natalie lying in her crib, sucking her thumb, surrounded by her toys. She would be mortified if Van knew about any part of that. “Maybe not just now. I think a call would be nice, but a visit may be too much. She’s…sleeping a lot. And she’s really upset about how she can’t take care of herself.”

            “Yeah,” Van said softly. “She’s always been really independent. Even when we were kids.”

             Hannah jumped at the opening. “You’ve known Nat a long time, right?”

            “Yeah, we grew up together in the same park. We were really close as little kids but sort of…drifted, as we got older. Then there was soccer.”

            Anxiety gripped Hannah’s chest as the question bubbled out. “Can you tell me more about her family?”

            “Her family?”

            “Yeah…her home life, how she grew up.”

            The suspicion that grew between them was palpable, “Why?”

            “How did her parents treat her?”

            There was a long pause, and Van’s voice was stiff. “Why are you asking me this?”

            “Did her parents abuse her?” Hannah rushed out. “Can you tell me what they did to her? I know she was hurt when she was a kid, can you tell me what happened? Who did it to her?”

             “I’m not comfortable talking about this.”

            “Please? I’m just trying to help her, and things have been so hard with Nat just…please?”

            “Tell Natalie I called, and give her my number. But you, don’t call me again. I’m hanging up now.”

            “Van, please just-”

            But Hannah’s ear was already filled with an angry dial tone.

April 1991

            Nat whimpered three times before she gasped herself awake. She held her lips together tightly and put her fingers against her eyes to not cry. She tried to control her breathing as the sense of a forgotten terror slowly released her. But as she got herself together, a real-life horror revealed itself.

            “No, no, no, no,” Nat whispered to herself, shaking her head and holding her covers in a death grip. “Fuck, no!” She threw her head back and whipped the blankets off her body. No, it wasn’t just a dream, it was real, it was fucking real.

            Natalie trembled and couldn’t stop the few tears that fell before she could stop them. Damn, it’s been a while…I thought I wouldn’t do it anymore. It had been almost two years since she last wet the bed. Well, at least a solid year and a half.

            With shaky legs, Nat stepped out of bed. There was enough light from her uneven doorframe to see what she was doing as she pulled the top sheet and fuzzy throw blanket off the bed and rolled them into a ball. It’ll be okay, she told herself. I’m older now. I can just take it off and wash it myself. No one has to know…

            The sound of her father yelling at referee echoed in the background. The beer can hit the TV tray loudly. His team must be losing. Shit. He had a lot of money on this game…

            Natalie swallowed and started to pull the fitted sheet off her mattress. Her dad cursed loudly and knocked something over. It made Nat jump. Her heel kicked her backpack, and the binder made a loud crack as it hit the floor.

            “Natalie!” her father shouted down the hall. “Are you still awake?! I told you to go to bed two hours ago!” His footsteps his the floor like a war drum. “What are you doing screwing around in there?!”

            Nat froze. No, no, no, no, no. Not now, not like this.

            Before she could will her body move, the door flung open and into the dresser, hitting its familiar notch.

            “Oh, don’t tell me!” he angrily gestured at the soiled sheets. “Are you seriously fucking doing this again?!”

            “I’ll clean it!” Nat rushed out. “I’ll clean them myself! I’ll even use my own money! I-”

            “Oh, oh really?” her father’s voice lowered into mock-kindness as he walked closer. “Your own money? Where you getting your own money, Natty? You get a job when Daddy wasn’t looking?”

            “I, I, I’ll find a way to make some,” she squeaked.

            Her father’s face darkened as he stepped closer, his jaw clenched. “Oh you will, will you?”

            Nat froze. She’d said something wrong. She trembled and kept the tears from falling, waiting for Daddy to remove his belt.

            “Yeah,” he said softly, putting his hand on her cheek. “I bet you will.” Nat flinched as his thick, rough fingers touched her face. “Already out there makin’ your own money, Natty?” His expression was almost kind, but his hazel eyes held a penetrating rage.

            Nat whimpered. She didn’t have a job, she couldn’t actually pay for the laundromat herself. She shook her head.

            Marc’s face changed in an instant and he slapped her, sending pain through her jaw and the flesh of her cheek as she toppled onto her bed. “Don’t lie to me!” he roared, a slight wobble in his stance.

            “I’m not,” Nat whined, holding the sobs from her voice. “I’m sorry, I don’t have any money. Maybe I can bet Johnny-”

            “Filthy little liar. Filthy little bitch.” Marc grabbed Nat’s t-shirt in his fist and pulled her towards him. Suddenly he laughed, amusement flashing through his eyes as spit flew from his mouth hit Natalie on the chin. “Yeah, you’re just a filthy little bitch. Pissing in the house like a dog.”

            Without notice, Marc surged towards the hall, dragging Natalie by her shirt. I hope Mom stops him this time…

            “You acting like a bitch, I’ll treatya like one,” he growled.

            Before Nat could figure out what he was talking about, her father flung the front door open and shoved her outside. Nat hit the ground with a thwack that she felt in her bones. She winced and let out a shriek of surprise.

            “You gunna act like a disgusting bitch pissing in the house, I’ll treat you like one. You sleep outside.” He wobbled and coughed out a laugh as he slammed the door shut.

            A new terror overwhelmed Nat as she lay on the ground. She was outside. In the middle of the night. In wet pajamas.

When she was able to move again, Nat scrambled to her feet and ran up the steps to the door. She knocked on it softly, so the neighbors wouldn’t hear, so it wouldn’t make her father madder. “Daddy please,” she whimpered, finally giving in to tears. “Please let me back in. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, just please let me in.”

            “Shut the fuck up, Natalie!”

            “Daddy pleeeeease,” Nat cried, tugging on the locked door. “You can punish me any other way, please. I’m sorrr-reeee.”

            “You better quit that fuckin’ crying and bangin’ on the door! Or I’ll whip your ass and put you back out!”

            Nat couldn’t stop crying, and she kept a grip on the door handle. She looked around the park to see if anyone was watching. A breeze went by and Natalie shivered, her pajama pants cold and stuck against her. “Daddy, please let me back in…”

            “Marc!” Vera yelled in the distance. “Did you lock her outside?!”

            “Yeah, I did! Filthy litt’l bitch is pissing the bed again. Let’er sleep outside if she’s gunna do that shit.”  

            “You can’t just lock her outside! People will see! What if they call someone?!”

            “Yeah? So what? Let ‘em take her. Let’er be someone else’s problem.”

            Nat cried, a new fear coming over her. They might really take her this time. If they found her barefoot, outside, crying, her dad drunk and angry. That couldn’t be reasoned away. Nat whined and tugged on the door again.

            “Marc!” Vera protested. “You can’t do this! We’ll get arrested!”

            Natalie felt her mother fiddling at the door and perked up, ready to leap in. She hoped Mom would hold her after she got it tonight…even though she’d not done that in years.

            “THE FUCK’RE YOU DOING?!”

            Smacks and shouts followed as Nat shrunk down against the door. She cried and trembled, holding onto the handle in defeat. She made Mom get hurt. She made Mom get hurt because she was a pathetic baby.

            Nat slipped off the stairs onto the ground. She looked around, bewildered at what the hell she was going to do next. She’d been locked out before…in the daytime. She’d go to Johnny’s, the park, the corner store, school. But where could she go now?

            The wind blew again, making Natalie’s teeth chatter. She put her hands around her arms and scrunched her shoulders. Nat looked up, her chin quivering, and ran to the other side of the trailer where the wind wasn’t blowing.

            She leaned her head and shoulders back into the trailer. She cried and wondered how long it would take for Dad to fall asleep. She might be able to sneak in then. Mom would probably open the door for her. Maybe she’d even drop her some shoes and a coat before that.

            Nat sniffled. She had to get some protection from the cold and the wind. She looked down, considering going under the trailer. It might be warmer…but there were spiderwebs, mud, trash…it was gross. Nat threw her head back in frustration again, looking hopelessly at the sky. Why was it this cold? Wasn’t it supposed to be spring?

            Something squeaked on a hinge and Nat whipped her head around to localize the sound. She thought she heard a voice. She looked up at the windows in hopes it was Mom about to let her in. Or maybe Dad changed his mind.

            “Nat! Nat!” a voice said.

            Okay, someone was definitely calling her. She looked around, but couldn’t see anything in the dark. It was feeling scary now, like the disembodied voice of a ghost or monster about to get her. Nat silently scolded herself for being stupid, superstitious. But she was still scared.

            She heard the sound of a door opening, and quickly looked towards her front door. It was still shut.

            “NAT-A-LIE!” a frustrated voice called.

            Nat saw a light shining out of a door a few trailers down, with a girl hanging out. Red hair glinted in the moonlight. Van.

            “NATALIE!” Van whisper-shouted and beckoned to her.

            Nat bit her lip and hesitated. Van wouldn’t care that Dad kicked her out of the house, or if she had a bruise on her face where he hit her. She wouldn’t ask many questions. But she’d see why Nat was put out. What if she told anyone at school? She wasn’t sure she could even take Van’s playful ribbing without collapsing into sobs.

            “Nat, come on already!” Van stepped out of her trailer and down two steps, holding the door open with one hand.

            Impulse and the desire to get warm suddenly seized Natalie’s body, and she gave in and rushed to Van.

            “What the hell took you so long?” Van asked incredulously when Nat reached her. “Get inside!”

            Nat rushed up the stairs into Van’s trailer and, still shivering. “Sorry,” she said, hoping Van would focus on her face and nowhere else. “I didn’t know who was calling at first…”

            Van’s voice softened as she shut the door, and relief flooded both of them. “It’s okay.” She looked to her green couch and grabbed an afghan, draping it around Natalie’s shoulders.

            Nat gratefully took it, and made sure it was wrapped around her whole body. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Is your mom asleep?”

            Van shook her head. “Went out a few hours ago. You can talk normal. It’s just us.”

            Further relief came to Natalie in a heavy exhale. “Oh,” she paused. “Good.”

            “Are you okay?” Van asked gently, her blue eyes full of concern.

            Nat couldn’t even lie. Tears fell out of her eyes and she shook her head.

            “Hey, it’s okay,” Van put a hand on Nat’s shoulder and rubbed it. “Want to watch an old horror movie with me?”

            Nat shook her head. She didn’t want to see anything else scary right now.

            “Okay…I could put on something else you want.” Van sat on the couch and put her hand on the spot beside her. “Can you…sit?”

            Nat bit her lip. Her pants were still damp. She didn’t want to sit on Van’s couch or blanket. She shook her head.

            “That’s okay,” Van nodded, standing up. “We um, we can stand.”

            Another tear fell down Nat’s face and she gripped the blanket on her tightly in her fist. “Can,” her voice cracked, shame making her face flush. “Can I borrow some clothes? Please?”

            “Oh! Yeah, I’ll go get you some.” Van scurried away, relieved to have something helpful to do.  

            Nat held the blanket around her like a lifeline. Maybe Van didn’t see…

            Van came back from her room and held out an old Kiss t-shirt and pair of dark, green sweatpants. “Are these okay?”

            Nat nodded eagerly. “They’re fine, thank you.” She reached out for the clothes, the other hand still holding tightly to the blanket around her. “Can I go change in the bathroom?”

            “Yeah, go ahead, I’ll wait here.” Van nodded.

            Nat turned and accidentally stepped on the corner of the afghan. She fell against the wall and put her hands out to catch herself, letting the blanket and the Van’s clothing fall to the floor.

            “Nat!” Van reached to catch her and caught one of her arms.

            Natalie didn’t fall, but she was exposed now. She cried and covered her face. “’M’sorry.” She looked at Van tearfully.

            Van looked uncomfortable, almost afraid. “It’s okay… You just…slipped.” She bent down to pick up the clothes. “Go change, and we can watch something together.” Van held the clothes out to Natalie.

            Nat took the clothes and rushed into the bathroom without saying anything or looking at Van.

            Once she shut the door behind her, Nat sobbed openly. God, now Van saw. Van knew. And she was also at Van’s. Dad would be furious when he found out, if he found out. Nat cried a few more tears before wiping her face harshly and turning on the water in the sink to splash on her face. Quit being such a crybaby…

            She quickly undressed and rolled her wet pajamas into a ball. Nat wanted to take a shower, but didn’t think it would be right to use so much water at Van’s. And it was kind of weird to shower at someone else’s house without permission. She did her best to wash herself off with wet toilet paper that disintegrated in her hands, but when she felt she was dry enough, she slipped Van’s clothes on. They fit her like a tent. Van wasn’t much bigger, but she liked baggy clothes. Regardless, they were dry, and mostly clean.

            Nat used the bathroom and washed her hands, shyly opening the door. I’m okay now…No more crying…

            She found Van sitting on the living room couch with the TV on, live-audience laughter echoing. “Nothing but the news and stupid late-night talk shows,” Van rolled her eyes.

            Nat nodded, padding tentatively to the living room.

            Van stiffened slightly with guilt. “Do you still want to stand?”

            Nat shook her head and sat down beside her. “No. I can sit.” She sunk into the couch.

            Van breathed a sigh of relief and gave her a small smile. “Cool.”

            Nat nodded again, attempting a closed-mouth smile. She shame crushed her like a lead weight.

            “Hey,” Van nudged Nat’s shoulder with hers. “Want to split it?” She held up an unopened can of beer, sweat still beading on its surface.

            Nat looked at the can, and back at Van. “Your mom won’t notice?”

            “One can? Nah. She’ll just think she drank it and forgot.” She held the can out to Nat. “Come on dude, you really look like you need a drink.” Van shot her a mischievous eyebrow raise.

            Natalie let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I fuckin’ do.”

            “Then go on!” Van pushed the can closer.

            Natalie took it slowly and popped it open. The can hissed a familiar sound that went down her spine. She took a sip. It was gross, but good, at the same time. Like beer usually was. It wasn’t the same brand as Dad’s. It tasted a better, less watery.

            Nat smacked her lips together and handed it back to Van, who took a drink. “Not bad,” Nat told her. She watched Van nervously from the corner of her eye.

            “Yeah,” Van swallowed, looking at the TV. “One thing my mom doesn’t chince on is booze.” She shrugged.

            Nat nodded, also watching the TV, where a zookeeper showed off some monkey to Johnny Carson. He cracked a stupid joke. “Thank you,” Nat whispered.

            Van shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Can’t leave you out in the cold like that.”

            Nat turned her head slightly to see her friend’s expression. Van’s eyes were glued to the screen, but Nat knew Van didn’t care about the monkey or Carson any more than she did. Van wordlessly handed the beer back to Nat. “Yeah…” Nat sighed, taking another drink. “Still.”

            The silence grew longer, more uncomfortable. Nat handed the can back. Van held it, looking at the beer for a moment before taking a slow drink.

            “It’s um, it’s okay,” Van whispered, eyes glued to the TV screen.

            “What?”

            Van handed the beer to Nat and shrugged stiffly. “I won’t tell anyone or anything.”

            Natalie’s breath caught. She didn’t really think Van would be so nasty to tell…but they’d not been close in a long time. She may have changed. “Thank you,” Nat whispered meekly, staring at the beer can. The tab was pushed harshly to the left.

            Van nodded, her body relaxing slightly against Natalie, their shoulders touching. Nat took a small sip again before handing it back to Van.

            “Guess you’re lucky I found you. Who else would’ve invited you in for a beer?” Van smirked, holding up the can before taking a sip.

            Nat chuckled. “Yeah, better than someone calling the cops and being carted off to a foster home,” Nat joked. She felt Van’s muscles tense against her and squeezed her eyes shut. Stupid, stupid, stupid! “I didn’t mean-”

            “It’s okay,” Van said quickly. She took a robotic sip of the beer, not looking at Nat. “It is better. Definitely better.” Her fingers held the beer can tightly, Nat could see slight indents in the aluminum around her fingers.

            “Sorry,” Nat tried again. “It was stupid of me to say.”

            Van shook her head, looking away. “Nah, it’s. It’s true. I’m not…sensitive about it.” She shrugged. “Shit happens.”

            Nat looked at her lap, feeling a different type of shame. Van saved her ass when she needed it the most and Nat says that to her? Maybe it was better they weren’t that close anymore. Van deserved a better friend.

            “Kill it,” Van said, handing Nat the mostly empty beer can.

            Nat tipped it back without hesitation, drinking the last drop, and setting the empty can on the coffee table.

            “I’m not mad,” Van said softly, her voice less strained. “Just, you know when you don’t…like to talk about stuff? You know someone may not think bad of…you. But you just…don’t want to talk about it. It’s better to just leave it alone, you know?”

            Nat nodded. “I get it.” She did. She really did.  

            “And you’re not-” Van paused, looking at Nat quickly then looking away. “It’s not like you’re the only one who…” she looked up at the ceiling and bit her lip with something…worry? Regret?

            Nat narrowed her eyes in curiosity. “What?”

            “You’re not…the only one that happens to.” Her eyes glanced at Nat quickly then darted away again. “I might’ve sometimes,” her voice lowered. “You know, when I was younger. Sometimes.”

            Nat glanced at her friend and saw Van’s cheeks were bright red. She almost looked like she wanted to cry now.

            A twisted comfort filled Natalie’s chest, as she realized the trust Van was showing her. “I won’t tell either,” Nat said firmly, looking at Van.

            Van finally looked back, lips upturned into a small smirk. “Cool.”

            Nat felt Van’s body relax more, and she inched a bit closer, snuggling into her. Van did the same. They kept their eyes on the TV show they didn’t care about. “I’m really glad you came home, Van,” Nat whispered. “I missed you.”

            Van sighed, her voice catching slightly. “I missed you too, Natty.”

Chapter Text

Alex eyed her mother with annoyance as she came into the living room.

            “Oh, you started it?” Hannah walked in to see the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where Sally Field stumbles into the wild party at her house.

            Alex shrugged. “Yeah. You were taking a while, and this movie is over two hours. I’m supposed to go to bed at nine, right? It’s already 7:30, and I wanted to get in as much of the movie as I could.” She quietly shot Hannah a dirty look.

            Hannah’s posture wilted, and she sank into the couch. “Sorry, honey. I told you there were a lot of messages.”

            “Did you have to call them all back, too?”

            “I just called one back. And it was important.”

            “Mhmm,” Alex nodded. “That’s fine. We’ve seen this a bunch anyway.”

            Hannah hesitated. “You made a good choice.”

            “Thanks,” Alex mumbled.

            Hannah reached her hand out and ran her hand along her daughter’s hair. Alex was tense when she felt it. She was still mad at Mom, still wanted to guilt her.

            But Mom’s hand felt nice, felt familiar. This was what she missed the most when she was gone. Just feeling her hand on her head, running through her hair, finger running down her face, knowing she was there, and specifically there for her.

            Alex slowly eased towards her mother, head leaning against her hand, until her shoulder and eventually entire body slid closer.

            “I missed you, gooseberry,” Hannah whispered.

            Alex wanted to cry. “I missed you too,” she leaned into Hannah.

            “Missed scritching your head like this,” Hannah slowly ran her nails down Alex’s scalp, making her shiver and giggle.

            “Noooo!” Alex laughed and nudged her mother before getting squeezed tight and falling into her lap. “Ugh, you’re getting big!” Hannah grunted theatrically.

            Alex laughed and pushed herself into her mother. “Can I stay up ‘til the movie is finished tonight?”

            Hannah shook her head in mock frustration and groaned. “Yes, you can. Just for tonight.”

            Alex grinned. “Thanks.” She slid down, resting her head on her mother’s lap to watch the movie again. Hannah ran her fingers through Alex’s hair and along her forehead. Alex closed her eyes, listening to the voice of Robin Williams in the background.

            Alex placed her hand on her mother’s knee as she gently pet her hair. She wasn’t mad anymore, because this was feeling safe and normal. The way it did before Mom disappeared, before she brought Natalie home. Alex watched the movie, feeling calm finally start to overpower her frustration.

            It felt like only a few minutes before Alex felt her mother’s hand stop moving. She felt the warmth of it resting there, but it was still.

            “Mom?” Alex asked softly.

            No answer.

            Alex slowly moved off her mother’s lap and looked at her. Hannah’s head was lolling to the side, breathing slowly. Her hand now limp in her lap.

            A heavy sigh of disappointment went through Alex’s body. She wanted to shake her awake again. Tell her they barely spent any time together tonight, or all week. And how she spent even less time actually paying attention to her. But…she couldn’t do that. Mom was tired. She’d been through a lot recently too…It must’ve been so scary being lost in the woods, in the cold, and not knowing if you’d ever see your family again.

            Alex stood up and pulled an extra blanket out of the hall closet and draped it over Mom, tucking it in around her shoulders. She stood there watching her for a moment, not knowing what to feel, what was okay to feel. With tightness in her chest, Alex picked up the remote control and shut off the TV.

            She leaned in to kiss Hannah’s cheek. “Goodnight, Mom,” she said softly. Alex stood to watch her mother for a few moments, before going to brush her teeth.

            Nat giggled as her two cars raced down the piece of cardboard Ellen gave her to use as a ramp.

            “Ooh, my car won!” Ellen shouted happily.

            Nat smiled and nodded. “Again!” She reached for the cars at the other end of the crib but whimpered and stopped when her body stretched.

            “No, no, honey, don’t do that. I’ll get them. You can play with your cars you just can’t bend like that, okay?”

            Nat blinked back tears as Ellen set the cars up again. “Ready…”    

            “Set,” Nat said, reaching for her corvette.     

            “Go!” they said in unison releasing the two cars.

            “Ohhh, mine went over to the side! Do-over!”

            Nat shook her head and laughed. “No do-over! I win!” She grinned at Ellen.

            The door opened and Dr. Boland and Gladys the other nurse walked in. Natalie’s smile faded and she inched backwards and reached her hand out to hold Ellen’s sleeve.

            The doctor’s face was friendly, but serious at the same time. The nurse looked annoyed. Nat whined and tugged at Ellen. “I’m right here, dear,” she reassured her.

            “Natalie,” Dr. Boland said slowly. “I think you have something to say to Gladys, don’t you?”

            Nat hung her head down with hunched shoulders. “Sorry…”

            “Thank you, Natalie,” Gladys said stiffly.

            Nat chewed on her lip and squeezed Ellen’s arm. Ellen held her hand in both of hers. That was nice.

            “And you’ll treat her kindly from now on, right?” Dr. Boland looked at Nat with an expression that said there would be trouble if she didn’t.

            Natalie nodded. “Will be good…”

            Dr. Boland gave a smile of relief and looked to Gladys. “Thanks Gladys, you can go on your break now.”

            As she left the room, Dr. Boland took a step towards Nat’s crib. “I wanted to talk to you a little more now too, Nat.”  Oh no, she must’ve done something wrong. Natalie pushed herself closer to Ellen and wanted her to pick her up. Ellen let her push her head against her shoulder and shushed her with a hand on her head.

            “Bad girl,” she whimpered. “Sorry, bad girl.” She pushed her face into the blanket to hide, hoping that would be enough.

            “No, Natalie,” Dr. Boland said gently, confusing Natalie more. “You did something wrong but you’re not a bad girl, angel,” the doctor’s voice was gentle now, like how it was when she rocked Nat to sleep. Nat peeked over Ellen’s shoulder.

            “You’re not a bad girl, but you did something that wasn’t nice yesterday. Now you’ve apologized. And you won’t do it again, right?”

            Nat nodded cautiously.

            “That’s the bad thing sweetheart, not you. And it’s all done with now, okay?”

            Nat was still confused, and popped her thumb in her mouth as she held her blanket to her face, still leaning on Ellen.

            Dr. Boland pulled a chair up in front of Nat’s crib and sat down. “You’re not in trouble, Nat. But I need to talk to you about your condition today all right? And Ellen has to go take care of some other kids now.”

            Nat let out a whimper and held on tighter to Ellen’s shirt. Ellen wrapped an arm around Nat’s shoulder and shushed her. “I’ll be back to visit you later and clean out your tube again, okay?”

            Nat whined and tugged on her.

            “And I want a rematch on that race!” Ellen patted her gently.

            Nat held tears in her eyes. It was so hard to be a big girl. She wanted someone to be with her all the time. It felt like they were gone forever if they weren’t there now. And Hannah still hadn’t come back yet.

            Ellen carefully pulled Natalie’s hands off her shirt and held them. “I’ll be back, and maybe you can even get a new car today, all right?”

            Nat whined again, afraid now she’d have to do something scary for the car.

            Ellen left the room and suddenly she was alone with Dr. Boland. With the door shut. Being alone with adults was scary. Nat scooted into the corner of her crib, holding her blankie, Lazslo and Mandy against her chest.

            “You’re not in trouble, Natalie.”

            Nat regarded her silently.

            “I know if might be hard but you need listening ears now. You do your best, okay?”

            Nat nibbled on her blankie and nodded.

            “You’ve had two doses of that medicine to help you go to the bathroom, but they’ve not worked, have they?”

            Nat pushed her face into the blanket and shook her head.

            “Okay,” Dr. Boland sighed and sounded tired. “Natalie, we need to do something else to try and help your body get all that out of you. That’s why your tummy’s so bloated right now.”

            Nat squirmed. It was really uncomfortable, painful really. But Nat didn’t like to admit when things hurt.

            “I’m a little worried about the damage you suffered there, angel. There’s lots of muscles where you got hurt, that control all sorts of things inside your body. Plus, your ribs are all hurt and might make using those muscles even harder. So I’m going to have to do something else to help you.”

            Nat’s body froze as she stared at the doctor.

            “Sweetie, do you know what an enema is?”

            “WHAT?!” Suddenly the teenager exploded out of the frightened girl.

            Her reaction actually made Dr. Boland jump, and she sat up straighter. “Do you know what-”

            “You’re going to stick something in my ass!” Natalie rushed out, her body hurting with increased breathing and tension.

            “Easy, Nat.” Dr. Boland stood up. “It doesn’t take too long. It’s not a great experience, but it’s going to make you feel better.”

            “No!” Nat yelled, crying weakly and smacking Laszlo against her mattress. “Don’t want it!”

            “I know, I know,” Dr. Boland inched closer. “I know you’re upset, sweetheart. That’s why I’m telling you before. So you can be ready for it. We won’t do it until Hannah comes back, okay?”

            An intense desire for Hannah to be there and hold her overwhelmed Natalie and she cried. She sobbed. She hit her fists against the bed and shook.

            “Easy, angel,” Dr. Boland put her hand out to try and comfort her. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

            Nat cried. She angrily pushed the doctor’s hand away. All she felt was fear and rage and pain. She shook at the bars and kicked her feet. She was so mad her body didn’t work. That she was stuck in the hospital. She had to have all sorts of humiliating stuff done to “get better.” She didn’t care about getting “better” anymore. She just wanted Hannah.

            “Okay, okay, I know you’re very upset.” Dr. Boland pulled something out of her pocket. “I can give you something to help you take a nap until Hannah arrives.”

            Nat couldn’t even respond. She kept crying and fussing.

            “Shh, Natalie,” Dr. Boland injected a small amount of serum into the IV attached to her arm. “Shh, let’s just take a nice nap and I bet Hannah will be here when you wake up.”

            Nat kept fussing and kicked her feet towards the doctor, but didn’t try to make contact.

            “Easy, angel. You need to lie down now.” Dr. Boland reached to gently pull Nat out of the corner and lie her down. She shushed her gently as Natalie wiggled and bopped her with her llama.

            “Shh, time for Natalie to take a nap. Then Hannah will be here and we’ll make your tummy feel better.”

            Nat weakly pushed at the doctor’s hands as she felt the increasingly familiar sleepiness of sedation. She fought it for a few minutes until it was too strong, and she let herself surrender as she heard the side of her crib lock into place.

            Hannah rushed from the parking lot into the hospital. She couldn’t get there fast enough. She’d rushed out of the house as soon as Alex left for the bus stop. Hannah was so ready to go see Natalie, she was on the road before Alex even reached the corner. And what a waste that was.

            As soon as she got on the highway Hannah was met with gridlock traffic. She turned on the radio to hear there had been a massive car accident. There may have even been a fatality. That combined with rush hour traffic more than doubled Hannah’s travel time. Her anxiety about what Natalie would think, or if Michelle was trying to call her at home made the trip feel even longer.

            It was hard not to break into a full sprint up to Natalie’s room. She entered slowly.

            “Natalie, sweetheart. I’m back,” She peeked her head around the side of the crib and saw Nat sleeping soundly. She smiled, relieved Nat was getting some rest.

            On the nightstand between the crib and the bed Hannah noticed a folded piece of paper, with her name written on it in Michelle’s handwriting. She picked it up.

            “Page me when you get this. We’ve got a lot to talk about. (She signed it.) Let Natalie sleep. XO Chelle.”

            Hannah’s heart rate picked up, hopefully, worriedly. It made her feel like her head was buzzing. She moved her feet towards the door and stopped at the nurses’ station.

            “Hey. Can you please page Dr. Boland?”

            “You’re Hannah?” the nurse asked.

            “Yeah!” she smiled. “I’m Natalie’s…” she paused, searching for the correct word.

            But the nurse already had a phone to her ear, and her voice projected through a loudspeaker that went through the entire hospital, requesting Michelle call the second floor when available.

            Hannah stood there leaning on the counter, watching the nurse type away at her computer and periodically look at some files in front of her. A child cried in the distance and she heard a meal cart rattle as it was pushed down the hall.

            “You can have a seat,” the nurse said, nodding to some chairs against the wall.

            It was clearly a request more than a suggestion, and Hannah sat, her knee bouncing with impatience. She was so sick of hospitals, of doctors. She was grateful Nat was in this hospital under Michelle’s care, but it still had that sickening hospital smell, the incessant beeping of various machines. Hannah thought of herself lying in that Canadian hospital bed. So scared, so overwhelmed, wondering if Nat was alive or dead, and being so fucking hungry, but only being given tiny portions to avoid refeeding syndrome. Not to mention the questions from everyone about what happened, having to reveal, no lie about how Edwin and Kodi died. Hannah licked her lips as nausea began to build in her stomach as she stared at the floor.

            “You know, when I wrote that note, I meant you could just page me by calling my pager. But, this was fine too.” Michelle stood before Hannah holding a steaming cup in each hand.

            It took Hannah a moment to break her mindless gaze at the floor before she looked up at Michelle with her cheeks reddening. “Oh…sorry. I guess I misunderstood.”

            “Come on, I’m just joking,” Michelle smiled, nudging Hannah’s knee with hers. “Let’s go to my office to talk.”

            Hannah stood up and took the cup offered to her. She took a sip. “Allowing me caffeine this time?”

            Michelle smirked. “It’s actually morning this time. I’m glad you gave yourself some time before you got here though.”

            Hannah looked down at her cup before taking a small sip. It needed more sugar. She didn’t want to tell Michelle the delay was actually traffic. Whether from embarrassment or exhaustion, Hannah stayed silent as they rode down to Michelle’s office.

            “So Nat signed the paperwork? You can tell me what’s going on now?”

            Michelle nodded, shutting her office door. “That I can.” She pulled out a bag and handed it to Hannah. “Have a bagel.” She opened a mini-fridge beside her desk ad pulled out packets of jam and butter.

            “Thanks,” Hannah muttered. “I didn’t eat breakfast yet.”

            Michelle sipped her coffee and nodded. “That’s what I assumed.”

            Hannah rolled her eyes and tried to think of a comeback, a quip. But all that came out was another, “Thanks…”

            “Well,” Michelle cleared her throat. “Nat told you about her ribs, right?”

            Hannah scraped butter along her bagel mechanically, debating if she wanted to look at Michelle during this conversation. “Yeah.”

            “She’s got two broken ribs and bruised two others. Plus, all her abdominal injuries from before, the gunshot, all that. Long story short, all of that will be a frustratingly slow healing process.”

            “I know all that already,” Hannah was growing somewhat annoyed as she put her plastic knife down, willing herself to take a bite of the bagel. It was too soft.

            Michelle looked at Hannah for a moment before continuing. “I want another MRI and X-ray done in a few days. I’ve had to…sedate Nat more than I like to sedate patients. But she gets entirely too worked up, and struggles to calm herself down.”

            Hannah swallowed hard and squeezed the piece of bagel in her hand. “Is Nat sedated now?”

            Michelle glanced away then back at Hannah. “Yes.”

            A defeated sigh went through Hannah’s body like a wave. “What happened?”

            “Natalie is badly constipated. It may sound like it’s not a big deal but it can become a really big one if it goes on long enough. This can be a side-effect of starvation, not to mention the poor kid’s had a bullet go through her digestive system and all her muscles are weakened. I gave her some laxatives. I really expected them to work, but they didn’t.”

            “Is that what she spit out at Ellen?”

            “It is. And now since it doesn’t work,” Michelle sighed heavily. “I have to give her an enema and she’s a little less than thrilled about that.”

            Hannah winced and shut her eyes. Ugh. Poor Natalie.

            “Did she try to escape?”

            “No. I think she’s in too much pain, and too tired to be honest. She had a bit of a meltdown. She’s been very…little today.”

            “Hasn’t she been every day?”

            Michelle sipped her coffee. “Yeah, but I think she’s having a much harder time today. Kids like her can…go through times of struggling to act their age. Sometimes it’s kind of back and forth like how it’s been, a bit half and half. Sometimes it’s mostly one or the other.”

            Hannah nodded, now holding her coffee with both hands, enjoying the warmth of it.

            “I scheduled the enema for noon. That’s,” she looked at her watch. “Just over two hours. I need you to help us keep her calm. She can’t be knocked out.”

            Hannah groaned and took a long drink of her coffee.

            “I suggest letting her sleep until then if possible. And in the meantime, I would really like you to speak to our on-staff psychologist. Natalie needs one. You need one too really, but that’s for another day.”  Michelle stood up and rubbed Hannah’s shoulder. “Finish your bagel. You can hang out in here for a while. I’ll see you soon.”

            Hannah took a large bite of her bagel and chewed it with disgust. She wanted to throw the rest of it out, but knew Michelle would see.

            “Hi sweetheart.”

            Nat groaned and felt a hand on her cheek. It was warm and comforting. She moved closer to it.

            “Wake up honey,” Hannah’s voice said gently, tickling Nat’s cheek.

            Hannah. Nat opened her heavy eyelids and saw Hannah smiling at her. Hannah. Hannah was back. Hannah came back. She came back.

            Natalie struggled to process the overpowering emotions that flooded her tired mind. Relief. Fear. Joy. Pain. Need. Love.

            She saw Hannah and burst into tears. She cried and reached, too tired to even sit or try to climb out. “Han, Han, Han,” she spluttered.

            “That’s it baby, I’m here,” Hannah leaned into Nat’s crib to wrap her arms around her. “Shh, it’s all okay, I’m right here.” She placed her hand on the back of Natalie’s head and kissed her temple while she shushed and rocked her.

            “Han, Hannah back,” Natalie shuddered as she sobbed into Hannah.

            “Shh, shh, Natalie. Calm down, sweetheart please.”

            Emotion was still crashing through Nat like a tsunami. All she could do was cling to Hannah and bury her face in her neck. Her chest and tummy and ribs and shoulder hurt. She wanted Hannah to pick her up and rock her. “Up,” she croaked, tugging on Hannah’s shirt collar.

            “Easy baby. I just called the nurse so they can help you into the bed with me so I can hold you.”

            Nat’s mind couldn’t keep up with all the words Hannah said. She cried more and tugged on Hannah. “UP!”

            “Soon, soon,” Hannah held her close.

            Natalie fussed more before Ellen came in the room. She and Hannah said some words to each other. That resulted in Hannah pulling away from Nat, and Ellen replacing her. Nat screamed so loud it hurt her entire body. She squirmed but calmed down when she realized Ellen was helping her into Hannah’s arms.

            Nat trembled against Hannah as she clung. She pushed her face into Hannah’s neck. Making sure it was her, the same her, the safe her. Back. She came back. Nat was safe now. Her crying slowed. She felt Hannah rock her. Back and forth. Back and forth. Her thoughts felt like they were slowing down.

            “Hannah back,” she murmured, clutching her shirt.

            Hannah pet Nat’s hair and whispered soft words to her. It made Nat smile. “Love Hannah.”         

            “I love you too, Natalie,” Hannah ran her finger down Nat’s nose.

            It was okay now. Hannah was back. It was all okay.

Chapter Text

Hannah held Nat closely, letting her burrow into or hold onto her however she wanted. Anything to keep her frail, broken body settled. Hannah sung to her, stroked her hair and tickled her the way she knew soothed her. Nat even giggled and looked happy a few times. It was strange though. Michelle told her Nat was acting very young, but this young? She kept using baby talk, and usually had something in her mouth.

            All Hannah could do was go with the flow, and offer whatever comfort she could muster.

            Then Michelle came in, with Ellen in tow. Hannah’s stomach sank when she saw some of the materials in Ellen’s hands. Natalie pushed her face into Hannah’s chest and trembled. She didn’t cry or fuss, she just tightened her grip.

            “Hi baby girl,” Michelle sat beside the bed and smiled gently.

            Nat whimpered, refusing to look at the doctor.

            “It’s okay to just cuddle with Hannah, you don’t have to stop.”

            “See, sweetheart?” Hannah rubbed Nat’s back and saw her peek up at her. “I’m still here.”

            “Ellen and I are going to help make your tummy feel better, okay?”

            Nat whined and started crying. Hannah put a hand on her head and tried to shush her.

            “We’ll do it as fast and gentle as we can, then you’ll feel a little better.”

            Michelle nodded to Hannah and she rocked Natalie, wiping her face. “Shh, sweetheart. Look, Chelle’s going to be really gentle and get it done one, two, three, quick! Then back to cuddles.”

            Natalie shook her head and whined, tugging on Hannah’s clothes. “No, no, no,” her voice sounded high and shrill.

             Hannah looked at Michelle pleadingly as she held Nat closer.

            “You’ve been such a brave girl for us, Natalie,” Michelle said. “We’re all so proud of you.”

            Nat’s breathing got more rapid and she looked at Hannah with teary, hopeful eyes. Hannah held Nat’s head to her chest as she watched Ellen put a full enema bag on an IV pole and start lubricating the tube.

            “It’ll be over with soon,” Hannah said weakly. She stroked Nat’s hair and Michelle put a hand on Nat’s back. Nat flinched.

            “We’re going to be very careful, Nat. You can cry and yell and even curse but try not to move, okay?”

            Nat immediately moved away as the doctor pulled her blanket down. She shivered and Hannah wrapped the blanket around the top half of her body, which restrained her more than she liked.  

            Hannah’s heart lurched as Ellen quietly brought a commode to the side of the bed.

            “We’re going to start now, angel,” Michelle said softly.

            Natalie sucked her thumb and pushed herself into Hannah’s shoulder.

            “Shh, shh” Hannah held her and nodded to Michelle. She put her face against Nat’s and quietly sang to her. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”

            Natalie trembled in the corner of her crib with the pillow behind her bottom, clutching her blankie, Laszlo and Mandy. She wanted to go home. She wanted her mommy. Mommy would never let anyone do that to her, even when she was really bad. She knew they would punish her eventually, but she didn’t expect this. Fear and betrayal overwhelmed her exhausted mind. She was trapped. Her tummy still hurt and felt yucky, but it wasn’t full anymore. She looked at the potty on the other side of the big girl bed, and hid her face.

            A dull cramp clenched her tummy and she moaned. She tried to suck her thumb, but she had anxiously gnawed on it earlier, so it was bleedy and sore. She couldn’t find her teething ring either. Nat wanted to be picked up, but there weren’t any safe grown-ups. She cried and anxiously pulled at Mandy’s hair.

            Soft footsteps came into the room and Nat gasped, holding her toys tighter.

            Hannah appeared in front of Nat’s crib, and she pulled the blanket over her face to hide her crying.

            “Oh sweetheart,” Hannah’s voice sounded sad, heavy. “I’m so sorry that scared you and I know it probably hurt and felt embarrassing.”

            Nat pushed her face into Laszlo’s fuzzy neck. She wanted Mommy.

            “Baby, please? Can you look at me? I’m sorry… I wish there was another way to make you better, but Michelle said there wasn’t.”

            Natalie sniffed. Hannah sounded nice. But she sounded nice earlier when she held her down earlier, while Nat cried and begged them to stop. Daddy sounded nice sometimes before he hurt her too. She couldn’t trust it.

            Hannah sighed and Nat felt her getting closer. She squeezed her eyes shut and pushed her body against the pillow to protect it.

            “Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay now. I know you’re scared but I can hold you. I’ll even spend the night here with you again. We can watch a movie or Sesame Street and we can play with your toys. Or you can just sleep. Okay?”

            Hannah was saying too many words. Nat pulled a tiny piece of her blanket up so she could peek out and look at Hannah. Her face was all red, and her eyes bloodshot. Like when Mommy or Daddy had been drinking and fighting a lot.

            Hannah noticed Nat peeking at her and leaned lower to peek back. “Hi sweetie,” she smiled weakly.

            Nat pulled the blanket shut immediately.

            “Oh honey…”

            More steps came into the room and Nat flinched.

            “She needs another feed now,” Ellen said softly.

            “She won’t even look at me…” Hannah answered.

            “She’s confused and in pain, dear.” Something was placed on the side table beside Nat’s crib. “Why don’t you read to her? Michelle told me you love to read.”

            Hannah chuckled weakly. “I guess I could.”

            “Hi Natalie,” Ellen cooed at her.

            Nat froze.

            “I’m going to feed you now, so you’ll feel it go into your tummy with your tube. And you let us know how your tummy feels and if you need to go potty, okay?”

            Natalie whined and cried. She didn’t want more in her tummy. She didn’t want to go potty again. She wanted Mommy.

            Soon she felt the food going into her throat and her tummy, and didn’t like it at all. She moaned and wiggled, kicking her legs in protest, pushing them out of the blanket.

            Ellen shushed her. It sounded soft, gentle. Nat wanted her to do it again.

            “‘Hello, I’m Emily Elizabeth, and this is my dog, Clifford,’” Hannah read. “See the big dog, Nat? I can hold up the book and you can watch…

            Nat stayed put.

            Hannah kept reading. Nat could hear the rustle of pages turning, and pulled up a tiny bit of the blanket just to…check.

            She saw the book in Hannah’s hands through the bars. Hannah turned the book towards her so she could see the pictures, and didn’t attempt to look at her. Nat laid there quietly, sucking her thumb. It hurt, but the comfort was worth it.

            Hannah kept reading, showing her the photos. The colors were bright and silly. Nat wanted to reach out and touch the pages, but she was too scared to move. And it felt safer still having the bars protect her.

            When that book was done, Hannah picked up another and started reading. Without realizing it, Nat inched closer to the side of the crib, and pulled the blanket up more to see the pictures better. She could see Hannah too, but she wasn’t looking at her, so it wasn’t as scary.

            Natalie’s stomach gurgled with an angry cramp, and she cried.

            “It’s okay, sweetheart. Does your tummy hurt? Remember Dr. Boland said you might need to go again soon.”

            Nat cried and pulled the blanket around her. She did have to go, and didn’t want to.

            “I’m going to get you some help,” Hannah said quickly before rushing out of the room.

            Nat whined and gripped her tummy, willing the feeling to go away.

            It didn’t.

            Now she was scared it would happen anyway, there in her crib. What would they do if she did that? She shuddered with dread. “Mommy,” she whimpered, gripping her blanket. “Mommy…”

            “Hey there, angel,” Dr. Boland’s voice broke her out of her trance, as did the sound of the side of the crib being unlocked and lowered.

            Nat gasped, making everything vibrate with panic. “Shh, shh, all safe now. Come on, I’m just here to help my best patient. I’m going to take your blanket off.”

            Nat’s body was frozen and she stared at the doctor with wide, unblinking eyes.

            “I’m not going to hurt you, Natalie. I know it hurt before, but I’m just going to pick you up so you can go potty, okay?”

            Natalie felt like she was floating above her body, only feeling lingering twinges of pain and fear as Michelle pulled her covers off.

            “Shh, all safe,” Michelle hummed and slipped her arms under Nat’s body.

            Nat involuntarily whimpered, wincing and waiting for whatever came next. She felt her gown lifted up, and she was sat down. Hands held her upright, and Michelle knelt at eye level. “It’s okay, baby girl,” she told her. “It’s all okay.”

            Nat trembled and felt her stomach clench. She winced and a tear fell down her face. “Being so good, Natalie,” Dr. Boland said. Her hand brushed a piece of hair out of Nat’s face and stayed there. “If this is too hard or scary baby,” she whispered. “It’s okay to wear a diaper for a bit, okay? Until your body’s ready.”

            A surge of memory, anger, and humiliation exploded out of Nat. “No!”

            Dr. Boland smirked, and mimed touching her nose. “I knew you were still in there.”

            Nat’s bottom lip stuck out and she glared at her.

            “Good girl,” she rubbed Nat’s uninjured shoulder and smiled. “It’s okay to be mad at me.”

            Nat sniffed and gripped her tummy again. This lady didn’t make any sense at all.

            “When you’re all done, Hannah can come back in again and read, or hold you if you want.”  

            Nat whined in protest. She reached out and gripped the doctor’s shirt in her fists, clenching her teeth together and pushing against her with what little strength she had.

            “Oh, angel,” Michelle brushed her finger across Nat’s hand. “What did you do to your thumb?”

            Just as Nat’s breath caught in fearful anticipation, Dr. Boland quickly added. “You’re not in trouble. I just don’t want you getting any more boo boos.”

            Nat was confused, and tired, and hurt, and just let her body’s instincts take over. She reluctantly leaned on the doctor.

            “Shh, that’s a good girl,” Dr. Boland said putting a hand on the back of her head. “Going to help make you better.”

            Nat reached her hand up and touched the doctor’s hair. It felt nice.

February 1980

            “Nat-a-lee,” Mommy said in playful sing-song. “Nat-a-lee!” She held up a flat, round object with a handle. It was white, but had a curved blue shape taking up one side, and a small spiky yellow one on the other. It made a noise when Mommy shook it. Natalie’s eyes widened and she reached for it. She didn’t know it would make a sound.

            Mommy giggled. “You like that, huh?” She shook it and it made the noise again.

            Natalie panted gleefully and reached her arms out towards the object, her little fingers flexing to grab it.

            Mommy laughed again. “Caaaan’t get it!” She moved the toy closer to Natalie’s face slowly. Natalie’s eyes stayed wide, but her hands stilled as she watched the blue color on the flat surface, until it gently tapped her on the nose. “Woooooo!” Mommy made a silly noise and pulled it away quickly to shake it again.

            Natalie laughed loudly and babbled. She kicked, waving her arms. She stretched her feet, feeling the pressure of the fuzzy onesie against her toes.

            Mommy laughed harder with a big grin on her face. She leaned forward to kiss Natalie’s head, and ran two fingers over her light wisps of hair. She hummed happily. “I can’t wait ‘til your hair grows out. And I can put it in all sorts of pretty sty-les and bows and pig-tails,” she tickled Natalie with each syllable.

            This game was funny. Natalie reached and squealed happily at Mommy, her little body vibrating with excitement.

            Mommy threw her head back and laughed loudly. “You are soooo cute!” she picked Natalie up and hugged her before pulling her back again and putting her face inches away. “You’re like, the CUTEST baby in the world!” Mommy smiled, her voice and expression softened. “And you’re mine.”  

            Natalie cooed and reached, her body going slack against Mommy’s when she was pressed against her chest. Mommy rolled onto her back on the bed, with Natalie’s face nestled under her chin. She hummed contentedly, “Mmm, I can’t wait ‘til we can go down the shore, and you get to wear a cute little hat, and you can have your first Kohr’s, and ride on the carousel.” She kissed Natalie and squeezed her gently. “And Daddy’ll teach you how to swim, and we’ll all build a sand castle.”

            Natalie smiled and reached up to grasp mommy’s shirt collar. Mommy’s hand covered her back and rubbed it in a circle. Natalie’s body relaxed deeper, inhaling the familiar scent of Mommy’s skin, the sound of her heartbeat, the warmth radiating off her. Her little mind floated in the peace of being safe in Mommy’s arms.

            A loud sound broke through the calm like a bottle through a window. Mommy’s body froze, her grip getting harder. Her breath was held in her chest so tight it felt like it might suck Natalie in.

            She nervously chuckled. “Hey Marc.” She smiled and bounced Natalie in her arms nervously, hand gripping her back with more pressure than Natalie liked. The baby moaned in complaint and wriggled. “How was work?”

            “Shit,” Daddy’s voice grumbled with a glurg of a snort, followed by a spit. His heavy footsteps came towards the door, matching the thump, thump, thump of Mommy’s heartbeat. Mommy was scared. Something was scary.  

            Daddy sidled in the doorway, unbuttoning his work shirt with one hand.

            “Oh…yeah? What, what happened?” Mommy asked.

            “Fuckin delays in getting more parts from that scumbag Murphy. Had to go all the way to Elizabeth to pick things up myself. And the stupid cunt at the desk there gave me a hard time.”  

            Mommy’s bouncing movements got jerkier, and her heart was racing. Something was terrifying. Natalie felt her own heart rate pick up, her breath catch as her face crumpled. She cried and wailed.

            “Shh, Natalie it’s okay,” Mommy held her too tightly and rubbed her back with trembling hands. Natalie screamed. Mommy was scared. And getting more scared.

            Daddy let out an exhausted sigh. Mommy bounced Natalie and pat her too quickly. “Please stop crying,” she shushed into her ear. “Please stop. He’s already mad…” The panic in Mommy’s whisper made Natalie cry harder as she gripped her shirt with both hands.

            “God Vera,” Daddy groaned. “Can’t you even calm the baby down?”  

            “She’s just a little fussy,” Mommy pushed Natalie up further on her shoulder and pat her back too hard. Natalie didn’t like it and screamed louder. She wanted to go back into the warm space against Mommy’s neck. “I think she needs a bottle.”

            Daddy took a few steps towards the bed. “You think? Aren’t you writing it down to be sure?”

            “Yeah, of course I am, just, the notebook it’s…on the nightstand, or the coffee table. I didn’t, didn’t see the time just yet now.”

            Natalie kept crying. Mommy’s touch wasn’t comforting anymore, it was agitating. Natalie squirmed and flailed. Everything in the room felt heavy and intimidating.

            “You make it so I’ve gotta do fuckin’ everything around here.” Daddy grunted and pulled Natalie out of Mommy’s arms, holding her against him.

            He bounced her and cradled her gently with his thick hands, black grease embedded in the tiny grooves of his fingertips. “Quiet, quiet, Daddy’s little sweet pea,” his voice went up several octaves in the sing-song tone.  

            Natalie kept crying, trying to catch her breath as she arched her back, pushing herself up like a gymnast in Daddy’s arms. He adjusted her and his hands covered her entire back and bottom. He bounced her up and down, making soothing noises.

            Natalie’s eyes darted to Mommy, who was quietly sitting on the bed. Her arms still looked like they did when Natalie was curled into them.

            The rhythmic movements of her father soothing her made Nat stop crying slowly, only letting out little whimpers and snuffles as snot bubbled out of her nose. A big hand pat her back gently and Daddy shushed her.

            “See? It’s not so hard if you just try,” Daddy said, anger growing in his voice again.

            Mommy’s mouth opened as though she was going to say something, but she closed it instead, and swallowed.

            “Well, are you just going to keep sitting there?” Daddy asked, his voice darkening with each word.

            “What?” Mommy squeaked, like she’d been caught in a lie.

            Daddy’s swaying body stopped moving, and the mood got scarier. “Really?” Daddy rolled his eyes. “Aren’t you going to get her a bottle?”

            “Oh!” She scrambled to her feet. “Yeah, yeah I’ll go get the formula.” Mommy scurried out and Natalie’s body felt uncertain. Daddy was holding her, Daddy felt nice. But things didn’t feel safe. Mommy was still scared, so Natalie was still scared.

            Mommy rushed in a few moments later with a bottle for Natalie. She wanted it. She was hungry, but she felt too worried to reach for it, too worried to squeal or bounce like she did for her last bottle.

            “You’re so good with her,” Mommy said. “She’s a Daddy’s girl.”

            He smiled and looked at Natalie, taking the bottle from his wife’s hand. “You’re Daddy’s little girl, aren’t you?”  

            Natalie gaped up at her father, taking in the look of his scratchy face, his scent, the feeling of his skin on hers. She felt some comfort and safety, but the lingering fear made her still.

            Daddy laughed warmly as she looked at him, feeling immobile in his arms. “Come on,” he said gently, holding the bottle up to her face. “Dinnertime.”

            Natalie kept her eyes on Daddy as she latched and nursed. Suspicious, nervous, but…comfortable too. Her eyes darted to Mommy as she snuggled into Daddy’s chest to drink her bottle. She was still scared.

            “Hannah… Hannah, look at me.” Michelle’s voice was gentle, soft, the way she spoke to Natalie.

            But Hannah squeezed her eyes tighter, and curled her fingers to shield them. What am I even hiding my face for? She’s seen me crying the whole time. Another sob shuddered through Hannah’s body.

            “Come on,” Michelle wrapped an arm around her, and suddenly Hannah was on her feet, Chelle hugging her tightly.

            She cried harder. “How, how can I take care of her? How, how can I make her feel better if she’s scared of me now? The only thing she wanted all week was to be held by me and now, now, now,” Hannah hyperventilated.

            “Hannah, my god,” Chelle said gently, but shook Hannah gently. “Breathe. I need you to breathe so you can get a hold of yourself.”

            Michelle’s hands set firmly on Hannah’s shoulders holding her steady. Hannah looked down and sniffled.

            “Come on, I’m not playing,” Michelle said, her voice steadier now. “Breathe.” She inhaled slowly and exhaled. If anyone else did that, it would feel condescending.

            Hannah took in a shaky breath and put her hands on Chelle’s forearms.

            “She let me pick her up,” Michelle said slowly.

            Hannah worked on steadying her breathing, and looked at her friend hopefully.

            “I got her to go to the bathroom, she let me hold her, clean her up, and she wasn’t crying when I left.”

            “Really?” Hannah squeaked.

            “Really,” Michelle said.

            “But, just…God she…she’s in so much pain and I think she thinks we hurt her and it…”

            “She probably does.”

            Hannah froze, staring at Michelle in horror. “What?”

            “Abused children can interpret painful medical procedures as abuse.” Michelle’s voice was steady, unbothered.

            “And you’re just…okay with that?!”

            Michelle sighed and sat on the edge of her desk. “I don’t really have the option, hun. I can’t just not treat a child because they’re scared. I’d be losing patients left and right.”

            “But she-!”

            “Hannah,” Michelle grabbed her hands and squeezed. “Natalie is a deeply traumatized girl. You need to understand that she’s going to be in pain, terrified, confused and angry during her healing process. She will probably feel scared and helpless like she did when she was being abused, some things may even feel really similar to things that happened.”

            Hannah fisted her hands and breathed slowly, exhaling heavily through her nose. “How the hell could that be similar to anything?”

            An awkward silence fell between them.

            Michelle’s voice lowered, “You really want me to say it?”

            “Jesus fucking Christ,” Hannah put her face in her hands and ran one through her hair. “You don’t think she was…raped or something? When she was little?”

            Michelle shook her head. “We aren’t going down this rabbit hole now. All I’ll say is that judging from Natalie’s behavior, and a lot of the scars on her body, you really should prepare yourself for her to reveal any traumatic horror to you.”

            Hannah moaned, dropping herself back into the chair.

            “Let’s go now. You need to get out of this. I guarantee Natalie will bounce back better than you if you don’t pull yourself together already.”

            Hannah looked up at her, feeling a resentful anger growing in her belly. “God how can you be so sweet to Nat, but a bitch to me?”   

            “Hey!” Michelle’s voice was sharp, and made Hannah jump. The same tone that made her freeze as a child when she was caught doing something she shouldn’t. “You won’t like what’ll happen if you keep acting like this Hannah.”

            “What?”

            A smile cracked through Michelle’s lips as she moved her shoulders back and forth with each syllable. “I’m gonna call your mom.”

            For one bewildered moment Hannah stared up at Michelle, before they simultaneously broke into giggles. She laughed so hard that her breathing shuddered again, in a good way. “GOD! HOW am I laughing now?!”

            Michelle laughed once more and pulled Hannah to her feet again. “How do you think I spend my days taking care of sick, abused or dying children?” she cocked her head to the side playfully. “I have to LAUGH, usually at things that aren’t remotely funny.”

            Hannah sighed heavily, morphing it into a groan at the end.

            “Come on Professor,” Chelle nudged her shoulder. “That baby needs you.”

            Hannah inhaled and nodded, reaching for the doorknob.

            Michelle put a hand against Hannah’s back as they walked down the hall. At least she wasn’t walking into this alone.

            “You’ve been so good for us today, Natalie,” Michelle said brightly as they walked into her room. She unlocked the side of Nat’s crib and lowered it. Nat gasped in surprise and curled up, gripping her blanket and toys. She looked at Michelle and Hannah with wide eyes, clearly frozen in terror.

            Hannah wanted to cry right there.

            Michelle leaned into Nat’s crib with her elbows resting on the mattress. “Hey angel,” she said gently, still keeping distance between them. “It’s okay to still be scared. Other than me or Ellen or other nurses needing to take care of your body, we are not going to touch you unless you want touch.” Michelle cocked her head slightly. “You understand?”

            Nat’s body was rigid, but she looked at Michelle with a fleeting glance at Hannah, and nodded slowly.

            Michelle smiled brightly. “Good.” She turned her head to look at Hannah with a reassuring smile and moved her eyes towards Nat, indicating Hannah should come closer.

            With a swallow and her best attempt at a happy face, Hannah took two steps towards Natalie’s crib. Nat’s body tensed more, and Hannah swallowed the lump in her throat. Michelle’s implication Natalie might perceive her as someone abusive sat in her chest like a stone, a boulder.

            “We,” Hannah croaked and cleared her throat. “We could read some more like we did before. Did you like the Clifford books?”

            Michelle’s face brightened in an exaggerated fashion towards Natalie. “We have lots of fun books to read. I think we have Hannah’s favorites.” She turned to flash a loving glance at Hannah. “Hannah used to love storytime too when she was little.”

            Natalie regarded them silently, looking back and forth between them, but less anxiously. She popped her thumb in her mouth, and winced.

            “Aw, I think I need to have Ellen come fix up that boo boo thumb for you, all right?” Michelle cooed, now sitting on a stool beside Nat’s crib, the upper half of her body leaning into it.

            Hannah watched, trying to read both of their body language. Natalie was still stressed and scared, but clearly relaxing. Hannah inhaled, and felt a sense of familiarity come over her. Chelle talking to her in that tone of voice, talking to another child in that tone of voice. Her smile was the same, with the beginning of wrinkles around her eyes and lips. It’s like we grew up without realizing it…

            “Come on, Hannah,” Chelle said gently. “I think Natalie will really like this one.” She held out a book and Hannah took it, sitting beside her.

            Hannah took the book from Michelle’s hands, worn around the edges. “There’s a Monster at the End of This Book,” she held up the cover for Natalie and saw a flicker of a excitement in her eyes. She adjusted in her crib, letting the blanket hang off her as she watched intently, sucking the plastic hand of her doll.

            “The itsy, bitsy spider crawls up the spout again,” Hannah and Michelle sang, with Hannah gently moving Nat’s hands along to the coinciding gestures.

            “Yay!” they cheered, clapping, and Natalie clapped too, giggling over the binky in her mouth. She didn’t want it when Ellen first offered it to her after she cleaned and bandaged her thumb. But now she really liked it, and it was nice to have both hands free.  

            “You want to do another one, sweetheart?” Hannah asked, her arms around Nat’s body.

            Nat leaned back against her and nodded.

            “Hm, what do you think is a good one?” Hannah asked Dr. Boland.

            “Want to do Wheels on the Bus?” she asked Natalie. “You know that one, angel?”

            Nat smiled and nodded.

            “The wheels on the bus go round and round,” Dr. Boland said, rotating her fists around each other. “Round and round.”

            Hannah took Nat’s hand and helped her copy the motion.

            “The people on the bus go up and down,” they sang.

            Natalie excitedly bounced but whimpered and flinched.

            “Shh,” Hannah cuddled Nat against her. “Gentle, gentle. Have to move carefully sweetheart.”

            “We can just do up and down like this,” the doctor moved her hands up and down.

            Nat let out a mewl around her binky and touched Hannah’s hands. They were warm. She mindlessly grabbed at Hannah’s fingers and rubbed the palm of her hand. Her body fell a little heavier against Hannah’s chest.

            “Is someone getting sleepy?” Hannah asked softly, brushing some hair out of Nat’s face.

            Natalie shook her head against Hannah, nestling it against her shoulder. She sucked on her binky and felt calmer as she shut her eyes and brought her hands up to touch Hannah’s face and hair.

            Hannah chuckled softly as she pulled a blanket around Nat’s shoulders. “No, not sleepy at all, huh?”

            Nat shook her head and nuzzled more into Hannah, holding her hair in one hand and rubbing her eye with a balled-up fist.

            Hannah ran her fingers along Nat’s hair and Nat whined contentedly, moving her hand to grip at Hannah’s shirt.

            “Shh, I think Hannah needs a nap, angel,” Michelle said softly, pulling another blanket over her and helping Hannah adjust Nat. “You keep her warm and safe while she goes night night?” Nat nodded into Hannah’s neck as Michelle ran a hand along Nat’s back. It made Nat breathe slowly, inhaling and exhaling through her nose. She wanted her to do it again.

            Hannah kissed Nat’s forehead and held a hand to her cheek. “I love you so much, sweetheart,” she whispered.

            Natalie smiled silently around her binky and squeezed Hannah before she drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

Alex was sick of the long trips to the hospital. She had almost no time after school to do anything other than eat dinner, shower, and maybe watch a show. And tonight was Friday, she may not even get to watch her favorite shows if they got home too late! Why wouldn’t Mom just come home instead of making her and Grandma drive an hour to see her? It was ridiculous. Alex didn’t need to visit Nat, and Mom spent all day with her. Heck, she practically raced Alex out the door that morning!

            The car approached the highway exit where the hospital was visible in the distance. Alex let out a sigh, frustration and relief mingling in her mind.

            “We can get dinner with Mommy tonight,” Grandma said. “I’m sure she’s hungry. And even if she’s not, I’ll make her eat!” She chuckled half-heartedly.

            Alex’s lip curled into a smile. Grandma was trying hard to keep her happy lately. It was like when Mom first went missing. She cooked Alex’s favorite foods every day, let her stay up late, even let her skip church and CCD a few times when she was too sad. The memory of those days shuddered in Alex’s chest. She inhaled sharply, pushing down that pang of terror she never wanted to revisit.

            They pulled into the parking lot and Alex dragged her feet as they walked to the hospital, several feet behind her grandmother. She was grateful Grandma finally stopped reaching for her hand in the past year. Did she really think Alex was going to run into traffic?

            They rode up the elevator and Alex was surprised to see Mom and Dr. Boland talking in the waiting area when the doors opened.

            “Hey!” Mom’s face brightened as she reached out to give Alex a tight hug. Alex hugged back half-heartedly. “So glad to see you! What do you say to some Chinese food tonight? Michelle can even come with us!”

            Alex twisted her face with discomfort as Grandma replied before she could. “That sounds lovely!” Grandma beamed. “I’d love to catch up with you Michelle! You must let it be my treat after you’ve been such a huge help to Hannah.”

            Dr. Boland smiled and waved her away. “Don’t be silly, I can pay for myself.”

            When Grandma began to politely argue about the theoretical dinner bill, Mom put her hand on Alex’s shoulder and steered her into a corner. “I needed to talk to you about something before we get dinner, love.” Mom’s voice was in a slightly hushed tone, which made Alex’s heart beat faster.

            Alex really looked at her mother now. She was tired, her face was red. She looked…sad.

            “What?”

            Mom sighed and sat in a chair, pulling Alex into the one beside her. “Today was really rough on Natalie.”

            Alex suppressed an eye roll as her anxiety soured into annoyance. Ugh, what else is new? “Okay…”

            “She had to have some really difficult procedures done today, and she’s just…” Hannah chewed her lip and looked at her daughter guiltily. “She’s struggling a lot being alone while she’s going through so much pain and stress.”

            A sinking feeling hit Alex in the chest, and it turned into anger when it landed in her belly. She knew what was coming.   

            “I think she needs me to stay tonight. Just one more night! I’ll be home tomorrow night.”

            Alex tried to hold back the resentment in her voice. “Does that mean you won’t be back until nighttime tomorrow?

            Mom’s expression shifted as though she hadn’t even considered that. “Oh, well…no. I was thinking that maybe after you had some time to relax in the morning Grandma could bring you here around lunchtime and-”

            “I’d have to hang around the hospital all day?”

            Her mother inhaled, then deflated with disappointment. “Yeah, I mean, for all three of us to spend time together. But…if you don’t want to I can come home sometime in the afternoon.”

            It felt like being shoved, how much Mom visibly didn’t want to come home to her. She wasn’t able to hide how she preferred to spend all her time with Natalie now. Alex nodded silently. “I need to use the bathroom,” she stood up quickly, walking away.

            “Okay, it’s down-”

            “I know where it is,” she said curtly, brushing past her mother and down the hall.

            Alex walked swiftly, her sneakers squeaking on the floor. She turned the corner towards the alcove with the ladies’ room, and paused.

            This was ridiculous. She couldn’t stand for this any longer. It was ridiculous. No, it was…it was bullshit! The word coursed through Alex’s body with rage—and an afterpang of Catholic guilt. Alex fisted her hands as she passed the alcove and continued towards Natalie’s room. This is why adults say curse words when they’re mad, she thought. BULLSHIT like this!

            She needed to do something about this. That’s it, Alex decided. She would have a conversation with Nat, telling her that she needed to back off. Like sure, she was really hurt, and had been lost in the woods, but that didn’t mean she could just steal her mom! She was ALEX’S mom, not hers. Alex had been without her for nearly half a year, and Nat had her all that time. Plus, Alex was still a kid--she was ten. Nat was eighteen, that’s when you’re supposed to count as an adult.

            Alex huffed as she opened Nat’s door. She saw a stack of her coloring books with the cookie tin full of markers sitting on the food tray beside Nat’s bed. And she can’t color with my stuff either! Alex made a bee-line for the tray, glancing at the empty bed. Maybe Nat’s in the bathroom…

            After shaking her head and gathering her things, Alex turned to leave. But as she did, she caught sight of the interior of the weird, enormous crib in Nat’s room.

            In that crib was…Nat. Her face was turned the other way, and she was covered with a few blankets, but it was unmistakably her. Laszlo the llama was lying in the crook of her arm, along with Mom’s Grandma Belle blanket.

            Alex stared. Why is Natalie in a crib?

            While she watched, Nat moaned in her sleep and turned her head to face Alex. At the sight of the pacifier in her mouth, Alex stepped back and dropped a coloring book in shock. In her attempt to catch it, she dropped the tin of markers. It clattered on the floor, opening and spilling its contents.

            Alex gasped as she knelt down to control the chaotic rainbow, markers actively rolling across the floor.

            Nat let out a shriek of surprise as she woke up and gaped at Alex in horror. The girls locked eyes and Nat slowly removed the pacifier from her mouth.

            “I’m…sorry I woke you up,” she tried, her throat dry with anxiety.

            Nat’s face crumbled and she sobbed.

            Oh no… “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Alex leapt up and ran to the side of Nat’s crib. “I’m sorry, really, I’m sorry. You can go back to sleep and…it’s okay.”

            Nat kept crying and covered her face with the blanket.

            “I’m sorry, it’s okay Nat…I’ll clean up the markers. You can just go back to sleep.”

            Nat whimpered and rubbed her eyes, her hands moving clumsily, like a toddler’s. Alex’s mind raced as she plopped the coloring books and few markers onto the empty bed. She reached her hand in the crib and picked up Natalie’s pacifier.

            “You can have this back if you want it…it’s okay. I won’t laugh. I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”

            Nat peeked out of the blanket with suspicious eyes. She squeezed her blanket and looked at the pacifier, clearly wanting it.

            “It’s...it’s okay. You’re sick. I kind of act younger when I’m sick too…I think everyone does. Just, just take it if it makes you feel better.”

            Nat reached her hand out carefully and took her binky, slipping it back into her mouth and covering her face up to her nose. She stopped crying, and Alex could breathe again.

            “See? It’s okay. And I’ll clean up the markers…”

            Suddenly, Nat reached her hand out to grip Alex’s. She squeezed it with a lot of effort, but it felt extremely weak. Alex squeezed back gently and smiled. “See? It’s okay. I don’t care. You just…need to get better.”

            Natalie’s body relaxed, and she pushed the blanket away from her face, so the pacifier was visible again. She held Alex’s hand with both of hers now, one resting underneath, and the other palm to palm, as though she were comparing them. Nat ran her long, skinny fingers across Alex’s smaller, chubbier hands.

            Alex watched her. Her sunken cheek. Her long, greasy hair. Her large, wet eyes, looking at her…so vulnerable, so full of pain. Guilt steamrolled Alex’s anger. The idea of telling Nat that she needed to back off anyone caring for her seemed monstrous now. “You can go back to sleep, okay? Mom and I are going out to eat dinner. Then she’ll come back and stay with you tonight. So you won’t be scared.”

            Nat looked at Alex with wondering eyes and exhaled heavily through her nose. She rubbed Alex’s hand and placed it on her own cheek.

            Alex couldn’t help but smile, and ran her thumb along Nat’s cheek. She could feel the bones in her face. “I can come again tomorrow too. I can bring you some new coloring books or games…Or, we can watch The Little Mermaid or play with Laszlo and your doll.”

             Natalie shifted her position and moaned in pain.

            Alex shushed her. “You’ll get better soon, Natalie. Then you can come home, and it’ll be a lot easier.”

            Nat nuzzled Alex’s hand, the plastic of the binky pressing against her palm.

            “Just go back to sleep, okay?” Alex whispered, touching Nat’s cheek gently. “It’s all right, Nat.”

            Alex watched Natalie close her eyes, and stayed until her hand went slack and fell onto the mattress.

             The sound of Natalie fussing made Hannah startle awake. She opened her blurry eyes to see Ellen cleaning Nat’s tube out before her first feed of the day. Natalie whimpered and whined.

            “Sorry if we woke you dear,” Ellen said gently. “She hates getting it flushed.” Ellen shushed Nat gently. “It’s almost over sweetheart, you’re being such a good girl for me.”

            Hannah walked to the side of the crib and Nat immediately reached for her. Hannah smiled and hugged her. “Good morning, sunshine. How did you sleep?”

            Nat pulled on Hannah’s shirt. “Hannah,” she whined. “Up.”

            Hannah sighed and brushed hair out of her face. Is she going to start being normal again? “No up now, sweetheart. Ellen needs to finish and then feed you.”

            Natalie’s lip stuck out in a pout, and she pulled on Hannah’s clothes. “Shh,” Hannah soothed her.

            “All done, Natalie!” Ellen smiled. “Now it’s time for your feed.” Ellen turned to Hannah and whispered so Nat couldn’t hear. “Do you want to hold her in the bed?”

            Hannah saw the needy look on Nat’s face, but her body was sore, and she was still so tired. She had slept, but Nat woke up crying twice the previous night needing soothing, and a trip to the bathroom. She swallowed her guilt and shook her head.

            “I’m going to shower and get dressed while Ellen feeds you sweetheart, okay? And then I’ll give you a cuddle.”

            Natalie started crying and Hannah sighed. She felt around the crib for her pacifier. “Shh, come take your binky sweetheart. I’ll be back, and Alex is coming later to play with you, all right?” Nat latched onto her binky and quieted, but still held onto Hannah’s hand.

            “I’ll be back, I’ll just be right here in the bathroom, okay?” Hannah pointed to the bathroom in Nat’s room.

            “I’ll be here during your feeding and wait until she comes out,” Ellen added. “You’ll know she’s there by the sound of the water running.”

            Nat looked at Ellen seriously, then back at Hannah. Her grip on Hannah’s hand loosened until she let it slip away.

            Hannah smiled and brushed some hair out of Nat’s face. “I won’t be long, sweetheart.” She kissed Natalie on the head and scurried off to the bathroom before the tears started again.

            With her overnight bag in hand, Hannah sighed heavily and ran her hand through her hair. Ugh, I need to cut it. It’s too long.

            Hannah could hear Ellen talking sweetly to Nat as she fed her. Nat’s clinginess brought back memories of Alex as a baby. That was so much easier though… Hannah could rest infant Alex in the bathroom with some toys dangling from her carrier while she showered, able to still watch each other through the glass. And Grandma helped a lot… Grandma always helped a lot.

            As Hannah undressed and got under the hot water, she briefly wondered what Grandma Belle would think of Nat. Not just the teenage girl who rescued Hannah from certain death in the Canadian wilderness, but of…this Nat. It was hard to speculate. Hell, Hannah didn’t know what she would think of Nat if she were in anyone else’s shoes. It was kind of weird. Grandma would’ve loved her regardless, Hannah decided. She wasn’t judgmental like Mom.

            She wondered how long Nat would be like this. A few days, weeks? Months? Would she ever go back to how she was? Hannah expected Nat to be another adult in the house. An immature one that needed help extra help and emotional support, but more like the girl she’d first met. A fiercely independent spitfire who would need reminders not to smoke in the house. She’d hoped Nat would act like a big cousin to Alex, hanging out with her occasionally and getting closer as she grew into a teenager. Hannah assumed she could help out around the house, maybe drive Alex to activities instead of her mom, maybe help her with her homework. Now it felt more like she was adopting an abused toddler Alex would have to help with.

            Alex will like helping though…Hannah smiled as she enjoyed the hot water. It was still hard to believe what an amazing daughter she had. Any normal kid would’ve been angry and jealous Hannah spent another night with Natalie. She seemed miffed at first, but after dinner Alex said knew Nat needed Hannah more…and she would come the next day and spend time with them. She even asked what videos, books or toys she should bring for Nat to play with.

            I’m so lucky to have her… Hannah tilted her head back, the hot water splattering heavily on her face. She thought again about the shower at home. Had she ever gotten it fixed? She couldn’t remember. Hannah shook her head and mechanically washed herself. She attempted to put her mind at ease, think calming thoughts, but when she remembered she needed to get Nat in the shower today too…calm thoughts weren’t possible.

            The speed of her washing increased, and in a few minutes, Hannah was in fresh clothes and blow-drying her hair. She would hold Nat for a bit and let her watch TV, then get it over with.

            Natalie leaned against Hannah. Her head was pressing uncomfortably against Hannah’s clavicle. Hannah shifted slightly and grunted. Nat didn’t notice, and giggled at Elmo on the TV screen. She ran her hands along her arm rhymically. Hannah tried to adjust as she brushed Nat’s tangled mass of hair. Luckily she cooperated, and didn’t even fuss or pull away when Hannah hit some knots. She’s cooperative with this at least…

            When she finished, Hannah handed her the brush. “Want to brush your baby’s hair?”

            Nat smiled and nodded. She attempted to brush Mandy’s hair, but the synthetic hair quickly got stuck in the bristles. She moaned in frustration and threw the doll against the bed and smacked it with the hairbrush. “No!” she shouted weakly.  

            “Shh, sweetie. I’ll have to get you a doll brush for her hair instead.” Hannah cuddled Nat against her and ran a finger along her nose.

            Natalie looked at Hannah with wide eyes and touched her face.

            Hannah kissed Nat’s head and wrinkled her nose. This shower couldn’t come soon enough.

            Just as the thought left her mind, Michelle entered the room, all smiles.

            “Hi angel,” she said gently. “How’re you feeling?”

            Nat tightened her grip on Hannah and shrugged.

            Hannah rubbed Nat’s arm. “Can you talk to Michelle?”

            Nat hid her face in Hannah’s chest and shook her head.

            Hannah let out a defeated sigh and looked at Michelle as she put her hand on Nat’s head.

            Michelle repressed a chuckle and winked at Hannah while mouthing, “You’re fine.”

            “I’m just here to say hello and ask how you’re feeling, Natalie,” Michelle continued. “And tell you that later we’re going to take some more X rays and MRI scans, okay? You remember when we did that a few days ago?”

            Natalie turned her head slightly so one eye was peeking out. She nodded.

            “Good, we’re going to do that in about an hour, okay? But in a few minutes Ellen is going to come in and help you take a bath.”

            Natalie let out a gasp and her body stiffened. Her grip on Hannah tightened so much it hurt.

            “I’ll be right there too!” Hannah rushed out. “Just like last time, remember? At home?”

            Natalie moaned and started whimpering. Hannah already recognized it as the sound she made before crying. She gently rubbed Nat’s back and shushed her. “Honey, it’s all going to be okay. You’ll feel better getting clean. And I brought you some of your new pajamas too. So you don’t need to be in the hospital gown if you don’t want.”

            Hannah’s attempts didn’t work. The tears came pouring out and Natalie started her anxious scrabbling against Hannah and pulling at her clothes. It hurt.  

            “Come on, shh,” Michelle leaned over. “I think Hannah’s getting a little squashed there.” She gently pulled Natalie away from Hannah so Hannah could wriggle out from under her. Nat flailed and screamed as Michelle held her. “Natalie,” she said firmly enough to make Nat freeze. “I need you to calm down, angel. You’re going to hurt yourself, or hurt Hannah.”

            Natalie let out a small cry in response and rubbed her eye.

            “I know you’re stressed baby, I know. But you have to be gentle, okay?”

            “Look what I’ve got!” Ellen’s voice came into the room as she held up something small and yellow. She waved it playfully.

            Hannah looked closer and relief flowed through her chest. It was a rubber duckie.

            Natalie didn’t smile, but she stopped crying. She was interested.

            “It’s a little duckie,” Ellen smiled and came over and showed it to Nat. “Do you know anyone who has a duckie like this?”

            Natalie’s eyes were wide as she looked at the toy and back at Ellen. She nodded.

            “Who?” she asked playfully.

            “Ernie…” Nat said softly.

            “He does!” Ellen beamed, holding the duck out to Nat. “When does Ernie play with his duckie?”

            Nat shrunk away slightly. “Bath…”

            “That’s right. He helps Ernie take a bath. And this little duckie is going to help Natalie take a bath.” Ellen pushed the duck towards her again.

            Nat looked at Hannah.

            “You can take it, baby.”

            Nat took the toy gingerly and ran her fingers over it.

            Michelle rested her hand on Hannah’s shoulder and then nudged her cheek. “I’ll be here if you need me,” she whispered.

Chapter Text

“It’s going to be nice, warm water,” Hannah said gently, trying to remember what Michelle told her—to reassure Nat as much as possible. Let her know how things would be before they happened, try to cut any worries off at the pass.

            When she and Ellen finally walked Nat into the bathroom, she started whining and pulling backwards.

            “Ah, ah,” Ellen joined Hannah in holding Nat’s other side to keep her from falling or running off. “It’s all right, dear. You’ve got your duckie and he’s going to keep you safe.”

            Natalie whimpered.

            Hannah desperately tried to think of what might comfort her, what fears might be going through Nat’s mind.

            “It’s going to be fine. We’re just going to get you all clean and you won’t fall or be in trouble or anything.”

            Ellen carefully pulled the strings on Nat’s hospital gown, so the back opened, and they sat her on the shower chair.

            Nat started crying and pushing them away; the duckie dropped onto the tile floor with a wet thunk.

            Dread made Hannah’s breath catch. Would she have to restrain her? Stay under the shower with her? It briefly reminded her of washing her childhood dog after he rolled in an enormous pile of deer poop, before she felt guilty mentally comparing Nat to a dog.

            “Baby, it’s okay, I promise it’s okay.” Hannah touched Nat’s hair but she whipped her head away. Hannah sighed, putting her hands on the shoulders of Nat’s hospital gown. “I’m going to take this off now, okay? And you’ll get all warm again in the water.”

            Nat cried harder and pushed Hannah’s hands.

            What else could she be so afraid of? Hannah bit her lip, thinking back to everything Nat told her about her life, or Michelle said about expecting a proverbial minefield of trauma. She thought back to yesterday, and how badly Nat reacted to the enema. Her chest fluttered with fear. Maybe Nat had been molested, or raped.  

            Hannah swallowed her discomfort and held Nat’s hands. “Natalie honey,” she said as gently as possible. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you and Ellen won’t either. We’re just going to clean you up. Do you want me to give you a towel to cover your private parts? Like we did at home? And, and you can mostly clean yourself with the parts you can reach, so we don’t have to. Right?” Hannah looked to Ellen for confirmation. Please, let it be true.

            Ellen pulled up a small stool and sat near the shower. “Do you think you can clean yourself, Natalie?”

            Nat’s crying slowed and she nodded.

            “There, then it’s settled,” Ellen flashed a smile to Nat then looked at Hannah with an encouraging glint in her eye. “We can wash your hair first with the gown on, okay?”

            Nat sniffled and looked from Ellen to Hannah. She nodded.

            “Good girl,” Ellen praised, picking the duckie off the floor and handing it to her.

            Nat held it tightly under her chin with her arms crossed across her chest. Ellen nodded towards the showerhead as she looked at Hannah.

            Thank fucking God… Hannah turned the water on and Nat flinched. She placed her own hand under the water to check the temperature. “I’m getting it all nice and warm first,” she reassured her.

            Natalie whimpered again, but didn’t start crying. “B-b-b,” she sputtered.

            “What is it, sweetheart?” Hannah asked.

            “B-binky,” Nat whispered, her cheeks reddening.

            Hope crept into Hannah’s chest as she smiled at Ellen. “Can you get it for her, please?”

            “Be back in a jiff!” Ellen hopped off the stool and scurried out of the bathroom.

            “See? Ellen’s going to get your binky, and you’ll have a nice bath.” Hannah felt the water finally get warm and she lifted the showerhead.

            Nat let out a squeak.

            “Here it is, dear,” Ellen said holding up the pacifier.

            Nat opened her mouth like a baby bird and Ellen placed it in her mouth.

            Hannah pressed her lips together to keep from smiling. She’s so adorable…  

            “Time to wash your hair now!” Hannah said brightly.

            Nat moaned and flinched away, squeezing her eyes shut.

            “Do you want to feel it first?” Ellen asked, taking Nat’s hand. “See?” she put Nat’s hand under the water, and she opened her eyes cautiously.

            “Not so bad, huh?” Hannah asked.

            Nat looked at her and the showerhead, wiggling her fingers in the rivulets of water.

            “Do you want it any warmer or colder?” Hannah asked.

            Natalie just huffed out of her nose in reply.

            “Let’s see how Duckie likes it,” Ellen said playfully, taking the rubber duck and putting it under the showerhead. Nat watched, and Ellen shook the toy, vibrating her lips to make a brrrghbrrrgh sound, as though the duck were shaking off the water.

            Nat giggled over her binky and reached for the toy.

            Hannah laughed. “Now you,” she held up the showerhead.

            Natalie’s body was still tense and her eyes squeezed shut, but as the water cascaded down her hair, soaking it and making the gown stick to her body, she slowly relaxed.

            “There, that’s nice,” Hannah said gently.

            “Going to put some shampoo in that wild mane!” Ellen joked as she lathered up Natalie’s hair. “Keep your eyes closed.”

            Nat listened, keeping her eyes shut and holding tightly her duckie.

            “You’re being so good for us, Natalie,” Ellen praised. She scrubbed at Nat’s scalp and Hannah watched as she leaned into it, clearly enjoying the sensation.

            Ellen ran her fingers through Nat’s long hair and Hannah held the showerhead over her when Ellen nodded to rinse it out.

            “Your hair’s going to look so pretty when it’s all nice and clean,” Hannah told her as she rinsed her hair. “I can braid it for you when it’s dry if you like.

            Nat just breathed slowly, binky bobbing in her mouth as she squeezed her rubber duck.

            She cooperated just as well when Ellen and Hannah put conditioner in her hair and rinsed it out. But when that was done, Hannah got nervous about washing her body.

            “Okay sweetie,” Hannah’s voice wavered. “Let’s wash up with this now.” She took a washcloth and soaked it under the water, rubbing it against a fresh bar of soap.

            Nat’s body trembled (with fear or cold, Hannah wasn’t sure) as she watched the suds form.

            Hannah held the cloth out and Nat looked at it suspiciously.

            “You said you can wash yourself Natalie,” Ellen said carefully. “Can you? Or do you need a little help?”

            Nat’s brow furrowed into a frown. She pelted the duckie against the floor and yanked the cloth from Hannah’s hand.  

            Natalie proceeded to rub the cloth on her arms harshly, glaring at Ellen. That look could have been threatening, if not for the pacifier concealing her mouth--which Hannah was sure would be releasing various profanities were it not covered.

            Hannah had to bite her tongue and look at the floor to keep from laughing.

            “That’s a good job,” Ellen’s softness didn’t waver. “I never should’ve doubted you.”

            Nat seemed to accept that by way of apology, and ran the cloth around her neck. Her hand went into the gown and they saw her hand moving back and forth across her torso, down to her lap.

            “I’m going to help wash your feet and legs since you can’t bend, all right?” Ellen said, taking another cloth with soap.

            Nat’s eyes grew with anxiety, but she didn’t fight.

            Ellen carefully lifted each of Nat’s legs and rubbed them down to her feet. “Gotta get the little piggies too!” Ellen tickled Natalie’s toes and made her laugh as she washed them off.

            “We’re close to being done,” Hannah reassured Nat (and herself).

            “You have to scooch forward a little so I can get your back,” Ellen said, gently placing a hand on Natalie.

            Nat pulled away slightly and looked at them worriedly, before consenting and sliding herself forward. “Good job,” Ellen praised. “You tell me if anything hurts, okay?” Ellen said as she gently ran the soapy cloth along Natalie’s back.

            Hannah waited with the showerhead, watching. She’d seen Nat in various stages of undress many times, but this was the first time she really looked at her body. Hannah knew, in the literal sense, that Nat had scars. She and the other girls had several too from their time in the Wilderness, but Hannah never considered Nat’s were from a different source. As Hannah watched Ellen gently wash Nat’s back she took a moment to truly observe the scars there. Most of them were stripe-like, overlapping one another in a haphazard fashion, with some deeper notches here and there. When Nat’s gown fell from her shoulder and revealed her shoulder and upper arm, Hannah recognized others too. Curiously round, darker bits of textured flesh sat just below her shoulder. Michelle’s voice echoed in her ears. Those scars are almost certainly from child abuse. Hannah swallowed, trying not to let her mind imagine too much.

            “Hannah,” Ellen’s voice sounded far away. “I think we need to rinse off now,” she said a bit louder.

            “Oh, yeah,” Hannah moved quickly and held the showerhead over Nat, suds swirling into the drain.

            “Let me take that,” Ellen said, reaching for the showerhead. “Need to rinse off under here too.” Ellen picked up the top of Nat’s gown and sprayed it inside.

            Nat whimpered.

            “Now,” Ellen clapped her hands together as though they were about to begin something fun. “Have Hannah help you stand up while I finish washing you, and then we take off the gown quick to fully rinse you off, okay?”

            Nat had her arms crossed and her eyes were fearful. She looked at Ellen expectantly.

            Ellen pulled Hannah closer and Hannah stepped forward quickly, almost slipping on a bit of wet floor.

            “Natalie,” Ellen cooed. “Can you hold Hannah’s hands for me?”

            Nat’s hands balled into fists as she looked at them anxiously.

            Hannah put her hands out as non-threateningly as she could. “Just me, sweetheart. You’ve held my hands all the time.”

            Nat inhaled slowly and looked at Hannah. She reached her hands out to meet hers.

            Hannah smiled. “Good job. Let’s stand up.” She put upward pressure on Natalie’s hands.

            Natalie grunted as she stood up, and stood on wobbly legs as Ellen cleaned her bottom and thighs. This time, Hannah prevented herself from trying to look for any other scars.  

            “Now we rinse off without the gown,” Ellen said. She gently pulled the gown completely off Nat’s shoulders, letting it fall to her forearms. Natalie whined as Ellen rinsed her off. “Allllmost done!”

            Ellen picked up an extra-large towel and wrapped it around Natalie, bracing her back as she told her to let go of Hannah’s hands, and let the saturated hospital gown fall to the floor. She made sure Natalie was completely wrapped up and covered, her hair still dripping.

            “There, doesn’t it feel good to be all nice and clean, now?” Ellen asked.

            Natalie’s cheeks colored and she pushed herself towards Hannah, wet hair soaking her shirt.

            Nat colored the puppy in her coloring book furiously, yellow going across the page in decreasingly vibrant steaks. She could feel Hannah’s fingers in her hair as she braided it.

            “Try to stay still while I do this, sweetheart,” Hannah said, putting her hands on either side of Nat’s face. “I want to get it straight and don’t want to pull.”

            Nat sucked on her binky and stayed still. Hannah was being so nice, and Nat really liked it when she did anything with her hair. She was gentle with the knots, and didn’t smack her with the brush when she wiggled too much.

             “That’s better,” Hannah said gently as she twisted the braids quicker.

            After hearing the snap of a hair band at the end of her second braid, Nat turned around to look at Hannah.

            “Looks soooo pretty,” Hannah ran her finger along Nat’s cheek and it tickled. She pressed herself into Hannah for a hug. “You’re such a good girl.”

            Nat smiled and blushed, nuzzling into Hannah more. She still didn’t understand why Hannah thought she was good, but it felt so nice. Even the bath wasn’t as scary as she’d thought, especially after what they did to her the day before… Being clean made her feel more awake and comfortable. She also liked her new nightshirt. It was purple and had a fluffy, grumpy cat on it.

            Natalie stayed close to Hannah and touched her cheek.

            Just as Nat was starting to feel calm, Dr. Boland and Ellen came into her room with a wheelchair.

            “Hey there angel,” Dr. Boland said kindly. “Oh!” she said with happy surprise. “Did Hannah do your hair?”

            She gripped Hannah a little tighter but nodded.

            “Will you show me?”

            Nat paused and looked at Hannah, who reassured her it was safe. Natalie slowly sat up and turned her head to show Dr. Boland.

            “Ooh, that looks very nice. Hannah did a good job on your hair. Much better than she used to!”

            Hannah rolled her eyes in slight embarrassment.

            Nat’s brow furrowed in confusion and Dr. Boland laughed. “She didn’t used to like doing anything with her hair when she was little, even hated brushing it.”

            “Thanks Chelle,” Hannah groan-laughed.

            Natalie got momentarily tense watching the two before they both started laughing. Then she laughed with them, and grabbed a chunk of Hannah’s hair in her hand to hold it up to the doctor.

            Dr. Boland laughed again. “Yes, she takes much better care of it now!” she gently tapped Nat’s nose, making it crinkle.

            Nat giggled again and reached for the doctor’s face. She let Natalie touch her nose too and Nat smiled, snuggling back into Hannah.

            “So nice to see my favorite patient smiling so much today,” she said. “And you’re going to get to have some fun later too when Alex visits, right?”

            Nat got excited and sat up again, grabbing for her coloring book. She opened the page she was coloring and showed the doctor.

            “Oh, that’s a cute puppy. You going to color with Alex when she gets here?”

            Nat nodded.

            “Coloring is lots of fun. And I love puppies! Maybe I’ll come color too sometime.”

            Nat reached for the tin of markers to hand to the doctor.

            “Thank you angel, but not right now.”

            Nat frowned in disappointment and leaned back to Hannah.

            “It’s time to take you for an MRI again. Remember when we did that? You have to go inside the big machine and lie still while it takes pictures inside your body?”

            That machine was really scary. It was so loud and made Nat feel trapped. She hid her face in Hannah’s chest and Hannah shushed her, rubbing her back.

            “I know it’s a little scary, but this one should be quicker since we just want to see your middle, okay? Where your ribs were hurt.”

            Natalie whined.

            “Come on, sweetheart, we’ll get it over with then Alex will be here soon, okay? Then you can just have fun the rest of the day.” Hannah rubbed her back.

            A discontented huff came out of Nat’s nose as she cooperated, and let them put her robe on before getting into the chair.

            Ellen picked Laszlo off the bed and placed it in Natalie’s lap. “He can come too if you need a cuddle in there.”

            “And your blankie,” Hannah added, taking her grandma’s blanket out of Nat’s crib.

            Nat cuddled them both as she was wheeled out of her room. She pulled her binky out of her mouth in case anyone in the hallway saw. It was clutched in her hand as she looked at the murals on the wall. Nat liked the Orca.  

            Hannah smiled and placed a hand on her head while they were in the elevator. “You’re being very good for us, sweetie. I’m so proud of you.”

            Nat blushed and pushed her face into the blanket. Hannah was so nice.

            They got into the MRI room and Nat hugged Laszlo a little tighter.

            “Ready?” Dr. Boland asked. “I’m going to put you up on the table now.”

            Dr. Boland was really scary yesterday…but every time she picked Nat up she was gentle and nice. Nat sighed and reached up with her eyes closed.

            “That’s a good girl,” Dr. Boland said as she lifted Nat up and lay her down on the MRI table. Ellen placed a thick blanket over her and Hannah made sure she had her llama and blankie too.

            “And guess what?” the doctor asked.

            “What?” Nat squeaked.

            “You can have your binky for this. I know you couldn’t have your thumb last time but that’s because your body can’t be bent. Your binky is fine though,” she smiled.

            Relief spread across Nat’s face as she popped it back in her mouth and hugged Laszlo.

            “I got your music too,” Ellen waved a Walkman towards her and Nat took it.

            “It’s a mix tape from that same intern as before. She said if you like Nirvana you’ll probably like this mix she has,” the doctor added. “Just no dancing in there!”

            Nat chuckled and shook her head. She put the headphones over her ears.

            “We’ll be right in the little window, okay honey?” Hannah pointed.

            Nat nodded.

            “You call for us if you need anything,” the doctor added as they left Nat alone.

            The machine came to life, moving Natalie into its tunnel. She pressed the Play button on the Walkman before the awful sounds started, hoping she could focus on that instead.

            Her ears filled with the familiar opening to a Hole song. Well, she could be grateful for another thing now--that intern had good taste.

April 1996

            Nat took a long drag of her cigarette, watching the trail of smoke rise from the burning embers. She exhaled slowly, the pale cloud overtaking the previous swirl.

            A mourning dove called out, and Nat leaned her head against the brick wall. She loved that sound. Nat put the cigarette to her lips and inhaled, eyes closed as she heard the dove call again.

            Suddenly, a siren and tires violently screeched down the street. Nat turned, glaring at the speeding cop car while pulling her headphones from her neck to her head. She pressed Play and took another drag, closing her eyes and trying to zone out again.

            “Is she pretty on the inside? Is she pretty FROM THE BAAAACK?!” Courtney Love screamed.

            Nat bobbed her head to the angry guitar chords.

            “There is no pretty power, like my pretty power,” Nat sang along, head-bobbing becoming more like banging. “Slut-kiss girls, won’t you promise her smack!” she sang louder.

            Muffled laughter made its way through her headphones, and Nat’s eyes flew open.  Her half-smoked cigarette fell to the pavement as Nat whirled around, music still blaring.

            “UGLY! UGLY UGLY!”

            Natalie cautiously pulled her headphones off. It was Chris and Justin from school. Chris had a nice car, (that he probably never worked on himself). Justin lived next door to Lottie—who said he was a creep.  

            “What the fuck is a slutkiss girl?” Justin guffawed.

            “Yeah, and smack? What kind of drug is that?” Chris added, miming what he believed to be a gesture indicating drug use.

            “Fuck off,” Nat growled.

            “Nah, really,” Justin took a step forward. “Tell me. What’s a slutkiss girl?”

            “Maybe you could show us,” Chris grinned wolfishly.

            “Yeah, show us how a slut kisses,” Justin took another step.

            “According to Bobby, I think this slut also knows where to kiss,” Chris added.

            “Get the fuck away from me,” Nat stood her ground, mentally mapping out the best escape route.

            “Oooh, you pissed her off. Better watch out or else the kiss slut will smack you!”

            “Don’t you and your right hand need to get home for your date with Lottie’s window?”

            Justin’s face turned red, as Chris laughed. Got him. She laughed, pointing. “Guess I was right,” she shrugged. “Now, get out of my way, dipshits!” She shoved past them, ready to make a beeline home.  

            “Stupid bitch!” Justin grunted, grabbing Nat’s backpack.

            “Get the fuck off me!” she yelled, puling all her weight forward.

             “Show us your tits and we’ll let you go,” Chris taunted.

            His hand approached her stomach, and a thumb touched the skin right above her belly button. Fire surged through Nat’s veins. “Not in your wildest wet dreams!” she slipped out of her backpack and hit Chris’ nose with the heel of her left hand, before socking Justin in the head with a right hook.

            The boys cursed, their hands flew to their faces. When they dropped Nat’s bag she grabbed it before darting away. The backpack swung heavily in her hand as she ran.

            “Get back here you ugly bitch!”

            “You’ll fucking pay for that!”

            Nat’s heart pounded as she made a sharp turn. She wasn’t far from home, she could make it. She turned again, trying to lose them with a shortcut through the yard of a broken-down house. She tossed her backpack in the corner so she could grab it later, before she jumped onto some cinderblocks to hop the fence.

            “You better get back here!” a voice shouted, closer than it should’ve been.

            Fuck, I didn’t lose them! Nat ran faster, approaching the playground near her park. They were gaining on her. It was completely open now…and she may not be able to get away until she was completely home.

            On impulse, Nat hopped into the orange twisty slide and climbed to the top in three strides. She pulled herself up and lay down in the connecting tube to hide.

            “The hell did she go?” Nat heard faintly.

            She held her breath. Go away, go away, go away…Nat hadn’t felt this scared in a long time, not since Dad died.

            Their voices got louder. Nat could hear the sound of the woodchips beneath their sneakers. They were right there.

            “Maybe she went another way,” Chris’ voice said.

            “No dude, she definitely came this way. And this is the way to that dump she lives in. See? You can see the sign down there.”

            Chris groaned. “Yeah but-” he stopped talking, and…“Waaait.

            The tone that made a shiver run down Nat’s spine. An ominous silence grew, and the shiver spread through Nat’s body.

            “SURPRISE!” Justin jumped out of the mouth and the slide and Nat scrambled the other way.

            “Where do you think you’re going?!” he shouted, reaching out to grab Nat’s ankle.

            It made her fall forward, her hands smacking against the plastic tube. She kicked her feet and attempted to crawl forward out of the tunnel and hop out the other side.  

            Another hand grabbed her other ankle, and a surge of adrenaline made her kick both feet wildly.

            “OW!” Justin cried. “Fucking bitch!”

            Nat flailed. “NO! Don’t touch me! Get off me! Don’t fucking touch me!” her screams got increasingly panicked. She worried they knew she was scared now. Neither hand had loosened its grip on her ankles.

            They pulled her towards them, pinning her legs down. She couldn’t move. Nat couldn’t be brave anymore and started crying. What were they going to do to her? She begged them to let her go.

            The boys laughed cruelly and Nat wiggled when she felt a hand on her thigh. She almost screamed for her mom.

            Justin and Chris started taunting her, saying things and laughing. She couldn’t make out what they said. She was floating off as she gave a few more futile kicks, her brain preparing for the worst.

            Nat felt a hand slither up her shirt and she tensed, before letting out a sharp cry.

            “Hey! What’s going on over there?!” an angry, gruff voice shouted.

            The hands released her instantly. “Ah, shit!” Justin whisper-yelled.

            Natalie tried to pull herself together to move away from them.

            “I SAID, what’s going on over there?!” the loud man shouted again.

            “Oh, thank fucking God,” Chris chuckled softly.

            Nat was able to move again when she saw the boys climbed out of the slide. She leaned back on her elbows, looking at the sun shining through the tunnel. She was breathing like she just run a marathon, her throat completely dry. It was over.

            “Hey Uncle Bob!” Chris shouted.

            “Christopher?” the voice softened with recognition. “What the hell’re you doing?”

            “Oh-we-”

            “Her backpack!” Justin shouted.

            Nat peeked through a small hole in the tunnel to watch. Justin was holding up her backpack. They must’ve taken it out of that yard. “She has booze in her backpack!”

            Nat moved her head slightly to see who Justin was talking to. Oh fuuuuuck. It was a cop.

            “Yeah, we go to school with her and she’s a total burnout! She definitely smokes marijuana too,” Chris added.

            Justin held up the half-empty of Jack she shared with Johnny and Kevyn that afternoon. “We tried to tell her she can’t drink around here because this is a park for little kids, but she just yelled and hit us.”

            It took all Nat’s self-control to keep from groaning out loud. At least I don’t have any weed on me… They only found alcohol, and that was legal. Sort of.

             “Hm, so you were just making a citizen’s arrest, huh?” the cop asked with paternal skepticism.

            The boys sputtered some weak responses before the policeman chuckled and shook his head. “Cut the crap.” There was a pause. “Hey, you in that thing, out!”

            Nat’s shoulders shook at his last syllable. There was a threat in that out.

            She crept out of the tunnel and slid down the slide. Shit. I’m going to get arrested. The team is going to be so fucking mad at me…

            Nat sniffed, realizing her face must be tear-streaked with smeared make-up. When her feet hit the woodchips, she realized she was trembling. The officer’s face changed, something of anger, something of disgust. Nat shrunk her shoulders in. She felt so small.

            The man grit his teeth and tossed his head back. Nat flinched when he suddenly smacked Chris in the back of the head. “The hell is wrong with you?” he said through his teeth.

            Chris shrieked like a little bitch, and Nat almost laughed through her fear.

            The cop just let out a sigh of disappointment and rolled his eyes. “You and your friend get outta here.” He waved his hands.

            “But…” Justin held up the liquor bottle. “The booze…?”

            The cop swung like a punch to grab the Jack out of Justin’s hand and waved him off with the other. “Both of ya! Go home. And quit being stupid!”

            Finally, they had the sense to run off, and the officer took a step closer to Nat.

            She whimpered and almost scurried back into the tunnel. She’d never been arrested before, but it always looked scary when she saw it happened. She would be a good, she would listen and not rack up any other charges. Nat waited for her orders.

            “I’ve seen you before,” he said dully. “You’re Scatorccio’s kid.” He wagged the bottle in his hand. “Not a path you should fall down too.”

            Should I agree or nod? Or shake my head? Nat debated too long, so stayed silent.

            “I could arrest you for this,” the cop said, looking at the bottle. “Underage drinking. Can carry a lot of weight behind it.” He pursed his lips. “Sometimes even get put in juvenile detention for it.”

            Nat almost started sobbing right there. She didn’t want to go to jail. She wanted to finally get out of this fucking place. And she was close, so close.

            “Also got no proof it was yours,” the cop shrugged.

            Nat looked at him in confusion, trying to figure out his game.

            “What do you say…we just forget about all this? The boys, the booze…whatever the hell that was,” he nodded towards the tunnel.

            Sickening relief came over Nat, and she nodded slightly.

            “Gotta be terrible seeing your drunk father shoot himself. So…I’ll just cut you a break. And we can forget about all of this.”

            Nat nodded frantically.

            “Get on home,” the cop said, holding out her backpack.

            “Going!” Nat shouted dumbly, grabbing her bag and racing down the hill to her park.

            She glanced back only once, catching a glimpse of the cop taking a sip of the whiskey.  

Chapter Text

Alex was unsurprised to find Nat clinging to her mother in the hospital bed again. Grandma though, seemed to stiffen.

            “Hey,” Hannah said lightly, putting a hand over Nat’s head. “How’re you doing, gooseberry? …Hi Mom.”

            “I’m fine,” Alex walked over, her backpack sagging with weight. “Oh, you did Nat’s hair! I like it.”

            She thought she could see Nat’s lip curl into a smile. Alex swung the bag off her shoulder, and it landed on the floor with a hefty thunk.

            “This one brought everything but the kitchen sink,” Grandma added.

            Alex huffed and rolled her eyes. “Well, I don’t know what Natalie likes so I wanted to give her plenty of options.”

            “Are you feeling any better, Natalie?” Grandma asked.

            Nat was still clinging to Mom, only one fearful eye visible.

            “It’s a slow process,” Mom cut in. “And I think the last test she had before this brought up some bad memories.”

            Nat faintly whimpered.

            She’s still acting like a baby…

            Grandma’s face was…strange. Alex could tell she wanted to say something, but she was holding back. She was doing that a lot lately. It was kind of awesome.

            “Right,” Grandma cleared her throat and looked at Nat from the corner of her eye. “Did you have lunch yet, Hannah?”

            “Oh, not yet.”

            “I brought you a sandwich,” she held up a brown paper bag. “Alex and I stopped by the deli. It doesn’t have any meat on it,” she let out a defeated sigh and wrinkled her nose. “There’s mushrooms on it for the protein, the man at the counter said.”

            “Thanks, Mom,” Hannah nodded with a dutiful smile.

            “Natalie, do you want to see all the stuff I brought you?” Alex asked.

            Nat didn’t move.

            “Is she okay?” Grandma whispered.

            “Yes,” Hannah’s voice darkened as she covered Nat’s ear. “She’s just had a hard time.”

            “Mmm,” she straightened up. “I…think I’m going to run to the ladies’ room. I’ll be back shortly.” She placed the paper bag on the table.

            “You don’t need to be scared of Grandma,” Alex whispered to Nat. “She’s all serious, but she’s okay.”

            Nat looked at her suspiciously before moaning and tucking her face beneath Mom’s neck.

            Hannah stroked Nat’s hair.

            “Want to see what I brought you?” Alex asked, unzipping her backpack before she could reply.

            Nat craned her neck to look over the bed and nodded.

            “I brought some Littlest Pet Shop, accessories for your doll like some extra clothes and stuff, a doctor kit, Jenga, Pick Up Sticks, a match card game, two Polly Pocket cases, annnnnd some Gak!” Alex smiled proudly in front of the Toys ‘R Us spread.

            Natalie’s eyes grew. “Lots of toys…” she said in a small voice.

            Alex grit her teeth in embarrassment and shrugged. “Yeahhh, maybe I went a little overboard. But hey, I figure we’ll be here all day. Might as well have enough to do!”

            “Lots of toys…” Nat repeated, approaching them with timid fascination.

            Mom chuckled. “Let’s pick a few things out and put the rest away for now.”

            “D’oh!” Alex dramatically smacked her palm against her forehead. “I totally forgot the new coloring books we just got at the store! I left them in the car. I’ll get them before Grandma leaves.”

            Natalie’s face lit up. “Color?” She looked up at Mom and grinned, tugging on her shirt.  

            “Yeah Natalie,” Alex’s voice fell into the tone she used when talking to the kindergartners. “I got you some more coloring books. I figured you might’ve finished most of the other ones.”

            Nat tugged on Mom harder and wriggled excitedly.

            Mom smiled proudly at Alex, looking somewhat wistful. Then her face lit up with practiced excitement. “Oh, look at this,” --Alex realized she too was using her “kindergartner” voice. “Alex brought you a brush for your doll’s hair. Just like we said we needed one this morning.” She pointed to the small brush on the table.

            Natalie gave a giggle-squeal and reached for it, leaning forward with her hand outstretched. Before she could reach it, she froze with a sharp gasp.

            “Oh Natalie,” Mom said gently, bracing Nat’s body. “You can’t lunge forward like that, sweetheart.”

            Nat cried pitifully in pain. Alex’s heart lurched. That must REALLY hurt.

            “Hey!” Alex said quickly. “It’s okay, Natalie. I’ll get it,” she grabbed the brush and ran to Nat’s side of the bed. “See, I have it right here and we can brush your doll’s hair if you want.”

            Natalie continued crying weakly, her thin body quivering with pain against Mom’s gentle bracing of her body. It made Alex feel sick. She had to do something to help her.

            “Easy,” Alex shushed her. “Just lie down until it stops hurting.”  

            With small whimpers, Natalie looked at Alex, then squeezed her eyes shut and turned away, flushed with shame.

            Alex thought back to yesterday. How she had to touch Nat’s cheek for a few minutes after giving her a pacifier until she settled down.

            “Don’t worry,” Alex’s voice lowered to a whisper. “It’ll be okay. And we can brush your doll’s hair and color.” She put her hand against Nat’s cheek.

            Nat whimpered and opened her eyes to look at Alex, tears leaking down the side of her face.

            “See? It’s okay.” Alex smiled.

            Mom gently lay Natalie on her back with her head on the pillow.

            She let out one more cry.

            “Easy, it’s okay Natalie, Mom and I are here.”

            Mom made a sound, like words caught in the back of her throat.

            Alex suddenly felt self-conscious as she kept her hand on Nat’s face, feeling the weight of her head pushing against it. “I think…this calms her down,” Alex twisted her mouth awkwardly at her mother.

            “Yeah…looks like it does.”

            “Hannah, can we talk for a little bit?” Grandma said at the doorway of the room. “Bring your sandwich!”

            “Okay, just give me a sec,” Mom said. She stood up carefully to not jostle Natalie, but she whined and held onto her.

            Mom was nervous and getting flustered, “It’s okay, Nat,” she whispered, trying to calm her.

            She doesn’t want Grandma to see…

            “It’s okay, Nat,” Alex said, climbing in the bed with her. “Mom will be back soon, and I’ll stay with you!”

            Mom looked relieved. “That’s so sweet of you, honey.” She looked back to Natalie. “You’ll like that, right Nat? Alex can spend time with you while I go eat for a bit.”

            Alex rubbed Nat’s cheek with her thumb and Nat looked at her for a moment before grabbing her arm. She held her hand up and waved her hand. “Bye Hannah.”

            “I’ll be back soon, sweetheart.”

            Nat nodded stiffly and held tighter to Alex’s arm. “Hannah back soon.”

            Mom smiled. “I’ll see you soon too, Alex.”

            With a small nod Alex watched her mother and grandmother walk out of the room. She inhaled deeply and looked at the trembling, tearful teenager against her.

            “Do you need your pacifier?” she asked gently.

            Nat’s shoulders shrunk in and she

blushed, shaking her head.

            “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I know you have one, and it’s ok. Still won’t tell anyone.” She smiled.

            “Promise?” Nat outstretched her pinky.

            “Promise.” Alex locked her pinky around Nat’s.

            Nat looked down, then back up again. “Not making fun of me?” she whispered.

            The shame was so strong in Nat’s voice that Alex’s breath caught. “No!” she gasped, making Nat jump and go rigid. “Why would I do that?”

            Natalie looked at Alex from the side of her eyes and pushed her face against a pillow. “Neebeebigurl,” she mumbled.

            “What?”

            Nat turned her face back to Alex. “Need to be a big girl…”

            “Oh. I mean…you don’t have to.”

            Nat narrowed her eyes with a furrowed brow. “Why not?” suspicion was heavy in her voice.

            Alex bit her lip. “I guess, because everyone’s taking care of you already? And just, it feels good to be taken care of.”

            Nat looked at Alex solemnly. “Yeah…does.”

            “Who cares what people think either? They’re just being judgmental. And…I kind of know how it feels too. To be embarrassed about not acting my age,” Alex shrugged, trying to seem casual and cool about it.

            “You do?” Nat watched Alex’s face closely.

            A twinge of embarrassment made Alex look away and shift positions in the bed. “I mean…you saw I slept in my mom’s bed a few times, right?”

            Nat nodded.

            “I mean…I’m almost eleven and I’m doing that. I’d be so embarrassed if anyone other than my family knew. I slept there every night after she came home,” she added in hushed tones. “I actually did normally every night up until I was five…almost six. And then for a while again when I was eight.”

            “You’re allowed to sleep there when you’re scared and sick too?” Nat asked.

            “Yeah,” Alex nodded…then the words sunk in. “Wait, how did you know that?”

            Nat hugged her blanket to her chest and looked anxious.

            “Did Mom tell you that?”

            “Um,” Nat fidgeted with the blanket. “Yeah. Because I thought it was nice…and asked.”

            “Thought what was nice?”

            Nat looked embarrassed again, and pushed the blanket in front of her face. “Cuddles...sleep in her bed. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was a secret… I’ll keep it secret now. Promise.”

            “Oh,” Alex’s voice softened. I guess she wouldn’t think I’m a little kid with how she acts… “Yeah, thanks.” Alex paused. “It’s nice to have Mom there at night. I missed her so much when she was lost. I just wanted to hug her and have her hold me and rub my back. I had…” her voice shuddered, threatening tears. “I had so much trouble sleeping when she was gone. I’d usually have nightmares when I could fall asleep. And I’d wake up and cry,” Alex rubbed her eye, pushing back the urge. “I couldn’t sleep in bed with Grandma and Grandpa…they wouldn’t let me. Grandma said it wasn’t proper,” she rolled her eyes. “There wasn’t any room anyway. Sometimes Grandma came in and sat with me while I fell asleep or if she heard me cry, but,” her voice fell. “It’s not the same.”

            Nat shook her head in agreement. “Not the same if someone leaves.”

            Alex looked at Nat and sighed. “No.”  

            “It’s nice to be able to talk to someone about this, and not worry they’ll think I’m being a baby and laugh at me.”

            Nat shook her head and leaned against Alex, wrapping her hand around hers.

            Warmth spread through Alex’s chest. “Want to brush your doll’s hair?”

            Natalie grinned and nodded as Alex got things together for their game.

            Jean sat in the corner table of the cafeteria Hannah now thought of as “hers”. The smile on Mom’s was tight, but attempting to project kindness.

            The anticipation made Hannah feel queasy as she sat across from her and unwrapped her sandwich.

            “You’ve been eating most of your meals here?” Jean asked, holding the cup of coffee.

            “Yeah, mostly. Sometimes Michelle brings me take out too.”

            “Mmm,” she nodded, folding her hands across the table. “I can always bring you a packed lunch I made at home as well if you ask.”

            Hannah nodded, sipping her Pepsi. “Thanks, I appreciate that.”

            Silence grew and Mom cleared her throat. “Tell me, is Natalie improving?”

            A heavy sigh went through Hannah’s body before she took a large bite of her sandwich. She chewed slowly.

            “It’s going to be a long process. Like Michelle said it would be.”

            “You can’t give me…any details?”

            Hannah put the sandwich down. “Some of her ribs are broken and she’s still healing from the gunshot wounds. A lot of damage to her abdominal wall. Michelle said she’ll probably be here for a few weeks, and she will need months of recovery time at home too.”

            Jean’s hands tightened around her coffee cup. She’d yet to take a sip. Something broke in her expression. “I’m worried about you, Hannah. And Alex.”

            The reflex was too strong to control. “What? Why?”

            “Hannah!” she chided in an all too familiar tone. “Darling, you were lost in the woods for months! You’re so skinny and barely eating. When you do eat it, it’s not got all the nutrients you need! You almost died Hannah! That man you were seeing and the mountain man did die! All you do is focus on this poor, sick girl-”

            “Mom, stop!” Hannah put both her fists on the table.

            The sound of the axe breaking through Edwin’s skull cracked through her reality. “Lottie! What did you do?” Natalie’s voice shook with horror.

            Hannah’s eyes clouded into visions of Lottie being pulled away from using Edwin’s brain matter like war paint, chanting something with psychotic reverence. Overwhelming shock of the horror show playing out was too much to process with the fact her…boyfriend (they’d never really put a label on it) was dead. And now she’d probably die too, in some feminized Lord of the Flies fever dream. The existential fear was so intense it made her feel like floating, her only scrap of conscious thought screaming for Alex.

            “Look,” Mom’s voice softened, putting her hand across the table to get closer to Hannah’s. “I spoke to Michelle. I think it’s important that you come home tonight--redevelop some normalcy with Alex.” She put her hand up to block an expected protest. “You can still come visit Natalie while Alex is at school. God knows she deserves it after all she’s done for us. But you need to rest. And you need to be there for your daughter.”

            “What the hell are you talking about?!” Hannah exploded. “I’m there for Alex! She’s fine. She’s doing amazing with me and Nat.”

            Jean sprang back in her seat, face darkening. She looked at Hannah that way that used to make her stand up straighter. “Is she?” Mom asked tightly, finally taking a sip of the coffee, before putting it down with visible disappointment.

            Rage surged through Hannah’s body. “I’m sick of you always accusing me of being a bad mother! Ever since Alex was born all you could do was criticize every little thing I did, or question it. But you know what? Alex is smart, she’s kind, and she’s all-around an amazing kid. So clearly I did SOMETHING right!”

            Mom threw her hands in the air and frustration finally came home to her face. “I knew this would happen! I can’t talk to you about anything without you blowing up. And I’ve been walking on eggshells to not upset you since you’ve come home! You never want to accept my help unless it’s when you want it! If you won’t accept my help, what about Michelle? Or,” Jean closed her eyes and grunted with disgust. “Since I know you won’t talk to a priest…I think you really need to see a psychiatrist.”

            Hannah stared angrily at her mother, painfully aware that a few other diners were watching their table. The last thing she wanted was a public scene. Or…a continuation of one. “I’m leaving.”

            Mom shook her head disapprovingly and adjusted her bracelet. “And leave someone else to clean up the mess like always,” she grumbled.  

            Hannah stared at her mother, visions of the violence she’d committed flashing through her brain with the persistence of a rapid heartbeat. Blood, screams, gasps, adrenaline, the slice of the knife through flesh. It was for survival…for Alex...it was all to get back to Alex…

            She stormed off, leaving the sandwich sitting on the table.

February 1987

            Hannah clung to Grandma Belle as she sobbed.

            Grandma’s small hand rested on Hannah’s cheek. “Easy now sweetheart,” Grandma soothed.

            “I, I, I, I, don’t know what to do!” Hannah hyperventilated.

            “Shh, shh” Grandma put her hands firmly on both sides of Hannah’s face. “You have to calm down. All is not lost.”

            “But, but, but, but-”

            “No buts,” Grandma put her index finger against Hannah’s lips in a “Quiet” gesture.

            Hannah looked at her grandmother pleadingly, feeling so helpless, so like a stupid child…not the intelligent, independent young woman she kept telling everyone she was. How could she be THIS stupid?

            Hannah closed her eyes and inhaled short, gasping breaths, trying to settle.

            Grandma’s hands remained on Hannah’s face, as if anchoring her to the earth. “There, come on, let’s talk about this.” She moved a hand to Hannah’s shoulder. “Can you talk now?”

            Hannah sniffled and reached across to coffee table for a tissue. She blew her nose and tried to keep control. A big shuddery breath went through her body. I can do this…I’m an adult now…I have to…

            “I’m,” her voice broke. “I’m pregnant and it’s, it’s…” she squeezed the tissue in her hands and covered her face again.

            “Go on.”

            Hannah hung her head in shame and bit her lip. She turned her head slightly to see her grandmother watching intently. “It’s too late to get an abortion…”

            Grandma blanched, but her hand stayed on Hannah, pulling her closer when the tears started again. “That’s uh, that’s a big statement, honey.”  

            Hannah squeezed her eyes shut and covered her face again. “M’sorry. I, I don’t know I knew Mom would be so mad that I was at all and I know an abortion would make it all go away, but what if she found out about it and really hated me for it forever and she and Dad wouldn’t pay for college and I also don’t really WANT to get an abortion but…” Hannah shrunk away. “God, I sound so horrible. How are you not mad at me too?”

            “Maybe I’m just better at hiding it, did you ever think of that?” she asked, playfully pinching Hannah’s cheek and making her smile.

            “But,” Hannah bit her lip again, tasting blood this time. “What am I gonna do, Grandma?”

            Grandma Belle took a deep breath, “First of all, we need to answer a few basics. Who is the father?”

            Hannah shook her head. “You don’t know him…”

            Grandma nodded. “Okay, that eliminates a few people.”

            Hannah let out a frustrated chuckle. “No, it…I met him at…that summer program.”

            “That college program in Florida?”

            “Uh, yeah…”

            “The one I helped you convince your mother you were mature enough for?” Grandma’s voice finally took on a disciplinarian’s edge.

            Hannah flinched and nodded. “I’m sorry… I never thought it would happen. I never…No boy ever,” she started crying again.

            “Hannah,” Grandma pulled her up, less gently this time. “What’s done is done. You got pregnant. Just tell me—who is the father? Does he know? Do his parents know?” She paused before concern rushed out, “He is about your age, right?”

            Hannah sniffled. “He’s a little older. Nineteen.”

            Grandma let out a sigh of relief. “At least I know there’s no pervert professor seducing you in the wetlands.”

            Hannah laughed again through her tears. “Stoppp, you keep making me laugh.”

            “Very rude of me to ruin your perfectly bad mood!” Grandma nudged her again. “Hannah, you need to tell me who this boy is, and what he and his family think about this.”

            Hannah covered her face and groaned. “He um, he’s a student there…at the college. His name is David.”

            “Does David know you’re pregnant?”

            “I think so…”

            “You think so? Hannah, did you not tell him?”

            “No I…I did just…” she sighed. “He um, he’s a student there. Or…was.”

            Grandma shut her eyes wearily. “He’s run off, hasn’t he, honey?”

            Hannah stifled another sob and Grandma held her. “Don’t you worry, we’ll call the courts and track him down.”

            A sinking feeling hit Hannah again. “We can’t… He’s an international student. I don’t think he’s in the country anymore.” Her lip quivered with shame.

            “Oh Hannah,” Grandma winced. “This is really a pickle, isn’t it?”

            Hannah sniffed. “Yeah…and Mom doesn’t even know that part.”

            Grandma let out a loud sigh and put an arm around Hannah’s shoulder, gently shaking her. “We’re in for a ride, aren’t we?”

            Hannah sniffled and stared at the couch. The familiar pale yellow, with swirly flowers of red, pink and deep blue. She ran her finger along the material in a circular motion.

            “Do you want to give the baby up? Or keep it, honey?”

            Hannah’s mouth opened but the words didn’t come, only a strangled croak. She looked down, back at Grandma and back to the couch. “Mom wants me to give it up,” she whispered.

            “Do you want to give it up?”

            “I,” Hannah gestured with her hands. “It would be the best thing to do…I’d still get to go to college and, I don’t know if I ever wanted kids anyway. Even if I did, I never thought it would be ALONE,” she hiccupped.

            “Hannah,” Grandma said softly. “Do you want to keep the baby?”

            Raw emotion so deep Hannah couldn’t even name gripped her chest. “I…I think I do.”

            “Then we will help you keep the baby, Hannah.”

            “But what about college?” she cried. “What about all the research I want to do? I really want to, to,” Hannah’s breathing broke.

            “Stop,” Grandma gave her a nudge. “You can still go to college. You can still become a scientist. I bet you’ll even discover a new species in the rainforest. You can be the world’s next Jane Goodall, but for snakes and toads!” She moved her face closer and closer to Hannah until she laughed, like she used to when she was little.

            Hannah sighed and leaned onto Grandma. Maybe she was right… Plenty of women with kids went to college and had good jobs. Right?

            Worry and discomfort still lingered. “But…what if I’m not good at it?”

            “The first sign of a good mother is worrying she won’t be good enough for her children.”

            Hannah grimaced and turned away in embarrassment. “You’re just kidding with me again,” she mumbled.

            Grandma’s brow furrowed. “No I’m not, Hannah. It’s good that you’re questioning your ability to be a mother. It shows you care about the baby.”

            Hannah groaned in reluctant acceptance, “I guess.”

            “And I know. You can do whatever you want in life, sweetheart,” Grandma said. “Even if we don’t get to choose the hand we’re dealt, we choose how to play. You’re intelligent, hard-working, and not afraid to get your hands dirty. If you want to keep your baby, I know you’ll be a good mother.”

            Hopeful tears filled Hannah’s eyes again. “Really?”

            “Yes,” Grandma smiled at her. “I really do.”

Chapter Text

            Nat and Alex sat on opposite sides of the bed with the food tray lowered between them. A pile of multi-colored plastic sticks sat in a haphazard pile on its surface.          

            “Now, you have to carefully pick up the stick you want, without moving the others. If you can, you get to keep it. If you move the others, you put it back. And the person with the most points wins. Oh, and each color is worth a different amount of points!”

            “Okay…” Nat watched as Alex gingerly picked up a red stick without moving the others.

            “Got it! Five points! Now it’s your turn.”

            Nat nodded and carefully removed a green one without stirring the others.

            “Three points! Good job!” Alex smiled at her. She attempted to pick up another red stick, but shook the pile. She smacked her fist onto her thigh in defeat. “Darn!”

            Nat stared at the stick Alex missed, and slowly pulled it away from the others. She held it up and smiled.

            Alex’s jaw tightened before she announced, “I’m going to get the black one! That one’s ten points.” She attempted to extract the black stick, and shook the entire pile, pushing the others away from it. Alex groaned in frustration. “Missed again!”

            Nat giggled, and lifted the black stick up with ease. “Ten points!”  

            “You’re good this game,” Alex said, eyes narrowing. “You’ve never played before?”

            Nat shook her head.

            “I must’ve made it easier for you shaking it up before.”

            Nat nodded.

            Finally, Alex picked up another stick, and looked more relaxed. “Did you ever talk to your friend?”

            “Friend?” Nat’s brow furrowed.

            “Yeah, the one who called the other night. Mom was talking to them for a bit on the phone.”

            “Who was it?” Nat’s mind raced as to who it would be. Van? Melissa? Travis? Surely not Lottie in the state she was in; and Tai was kind of stand-offish. No WAY Hannah would speak to Shauna. Oh God…it might’ve been Misty.  

            Alex shrugged. “Don’t know. I just know she was talking to them for a while and asking questions. She sounded kind of upset. I was listening from the other room.” Alex’s cheeks colored. “I wasn’t eavesdropping though, just, Mom was being loud.”

            “Okay…” Nat’s stomach gurgled with worry. Why didn’t Hannah say anything? Is she hiding something?

            “It’s your turn,” Alex reminded her.

            Nat looked back to the pile of sticks and pulled another up without paying attention.

            “How long do you have to be in here again?” Alex asked casually.

            Nat shifted and hugged her Mandy doll. “Dunno. A while.”

            Alex sighed as she put back another stick she couldn’t get without moving the others. “Oh. Because next week is Mother’s Day. Mom and Grandma and I always have a big brunch with my Aunt Jennifer and my cousins. I was in charge of making a lot last year! I made pancakes and French toast and chopped up strawberries and blueberries with them, and added whipped cream. Grandma helped me make a Quiche Lorraine too That’s like an egg pie with ham bits! It’s really good. And bacon, Grandpa always wants bacon!” She laughed. “I wanted to make cinnamon rolls too, but Grandma said that would be too many sweets.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m totally going to make them this year, though.”

            That sounds so nice... Natalie thought of the Mother’s Days she had with Mommy. The memories clouded her focus so much that she missed picking up the stick she had her hand on.

            Alex recognized her discomfort and cringed. “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s not fair of me to talk about food when you can’t eat now. I’d be really upset if I couldn’t eat and someone else kept talking about a…holiday spread.” She looked at Nat guiltily.

            “Is okay…” she pulled her blankie against her chest.  

            “We also usually go to museums too, if we can. Grandma likes the painting kind of museums, and Mom obviously loves science ones. Both are pretty cool in their own way. Well, we haven’t all gone to a museum in a few years,” Alex groaned. “We used to all go together but my cousins think it’s boring. Boys are stupid.”

            “Yeah,” Nat half-heartedly agreed.

            “What do you do with your mom and Grandma for Mother’s Day?”

             Nat gaped at Alex. “Um, don’t have a Grandma.”

            “You don’t have a Grandma?” Alex slumped, guiltier. “Did she die? Grandma Belle died a few years ago…but she was Mom’s Grandma, so she was really old.”

            “Daddy’s mom died before I was born,” she snuggled her blanket closer, ignoring her turn in the game. “Mommy din’t talk to her mom. I never met her.”

            “Why not?”

            Nat shrugged.

            “Oh.” Alex looked at the TV screen. “Um, is your mom coming to visit next week then? Since you can’t visit her?”

            Nat imagined her mother in her usual state, chain-smoking on the couch, hollow eyes glued to the TV. She remembered how badly she’d wanted Mom to hug her when she went home last week. How that flicker of hope was snuffed out when she opened the door and looked at her with familiar disgust.

            Nat shook her head and repressed the urge to cry and grab her binky. She didn’t want to be a baby now.

            Alex squirmed, but not enough to curtail her curiosity. “Mom said she’s sick, right? That’s why she can’t take care of you?”

            Nat frowned, looking away from Alex. “Kinda. She got diabetes...”

             “My friend’s Grandpa has that. He has to take lots of shots, and her Grandma yells at him if he eats candy. His arm has big bruises on them.” She gestured with her hands. “Does that happen to her?”

            Nat stiffened and shook her head quickly. “No! No bruises.” She continued to shake her head.

            Alex inched back in surprise. “I guess you can call her, then…”

            Nat held Mandy close and hugged her. “Doesn’t care. She doesn’t like me…”

            Alex’s mouth fell open. She gawped with such intense emotion it made Nat scooch back.

            “But she’s your mom!” Alex protested. “How could she not like you? She’s got to love you! She’s your mom!”

            “Imma bad kid,” Nat whimpered, clutching Mandy and her blankie tightly.

            Alex watched her closely. “What…why would you say that? What bad things do you do?”

            Nat felt a tidal wave of shame. I don’t listen, cause trouble, pee the bed, waste of money, useless, slut. I killed Daddy…

            “Skip school. Talk balk. Steal,” she mumbled.

            “You steal?” Alex was horrified. “Is that why you thought I stole that teething ring?”

            Nat shrugged, worry growing in her chest. Can’t tell her anymore… If Alex knows how bad I am, she might tell Hannah. She sniffled and a tear fell down her face. Nat rubbed her face against her blankie and tried to hide it from Alex. She wanted her binky. She wanted Hannah to hold her.

            “I,” Alex began and looked away, fiddling nervously. “That’s…that’s bad but, I mean... I don’t know. Um..” she paused again, before rushing out. “My dad never wanted me.”

            Nat glanced up and stroked her thumb over her blanket. She locked eyes with Alex, making it clear she was listening.  

            “Yeah, I’ve never met him. He um, Mom said he didn’t want to be a dad. Not that he didn’t want me…because he didn’t know who I was going to be, or that I was even a girl, or anything. He just, didn’t want any kids.” Alex pretended to look at the game between them as she radiated vulnerability. “Mom always says that, but it doesn’t really make it any better. And she’s not seen him in like, twelve years, so he might actually have other kids, that he does want.”

            Alex looked like she might cry. Nat was luckier, she’d had a daddy who’d loved her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered gently. “I like you. Your daddy’s stupid to not meet you.”

            The side of Alex’s lip curled into a smirk. “Thanks.”

            “Mommy doesn’t like me because she knows me,” Nat sighed, playing with Mandy’s hair.

            Alex frowned angrily. “Well then she’s stupid too!”

            Natalie’s eyes widened in surprise before bursting into giggles, and having to steady herself before it hurt too much. But she looked back at Alex, and they couldn’t help but keep laughing.

            Hannah walked down the hallway, her pace quickened by adrenaline. How the hell did Mom get off? Violent images kept flashing in her head. Faces of the Yellowjackets, Edwin, Kodi. She pushed into the bathroom and locked the door.

            When she saw her appearance in the mirror, Hannah gasped. I look crazy. She reached for the faucet, and realized her hands were trembling.

            She let out a groan and cursed herself, “Fucking stop!” Hannah shoved her shaky hands into the sink and splashed cold water on her face. She gasped again, at a memory of her numb face falling into the snow.

            Hannah grabbed a handful of brown paper towels from the dispenser and wobbled. Her legs felt like jelly. She was dizzy.

            The loss of control over her senses intensified Hannah’s frustration. She reached out to the safety bar on the wall, and lowered herself to the floor. The tile was cold. At least this bathroom’s clean…

            Hannah squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled deeply. “It’s okay,” she told herself. “It’s okay.” Hannah inhaled and exhaled slowly. You can do this, you can do this, you need to be okay.

            “Just sit,” she told herself again, leaning back against the wall. “Be okay, it’ll be okay,” she whispered to herself.

            Maybe I’ll just stay in here a few minutes…

            A loud knock came at the door, making Hannah jump. Another time she might’ve shrieked, but she’d learned to quiet any sounds of fear.

            When she took in her surroundings, she remembered where she was. She placed her hand on the cool tile of the floor. “Be out in a minute!”

            Hannah reached to the safety bar on the wall and pulled herself up. Her legs felt stiff, wooden. She turned the water on in the sink and washed her hands. She wasn’t quite sure why. She tugged out more paper towels to dry her hands, then wiped her face with them.

            Her hands weren’t shaking like they were before, but she still felt like she was watching herself do things, rather than doing them of her own accord.

            Once she felt she could look and move normally enough, Hannah exited the bathroom with a friendly nod to the woman who knocked.

            Nat was focused on coloring a page in her new coloring book when Hannah walked into the room.

            “Hi Mom!” Alex smiled before it quickly faded from her face.

            When Natalie looked at Hannah, she could see why. Hannah looked disheveled, her hair was a mess, her eyes were bloodshot. Then the memory of Hannah hiding a phone call hit Nat like a truck, jolting her into survival mode.

            “Hi Hannah,” she said slowly, gripping the marker in her hand.

            “Hi girls,” she offered a strangled smile, before looking at Alex. “Do you know where Grandma is?”

            Alex looked at her mother with deep concern. “Grandma left a while ago. She said she had to go shopping, and you were bringing me home anyway.”

            “She what?”

            Alex paused. “She left to go shopping. Are you okay?”

            Hannah’s face contorted with something like confusion, anger, nothing good. Natalie sat up straighter, watching Hannah’s and Alex’s movements and facial expressions.

            “Uh,” Hannah touched her forehead and hair. “I didn’t know Grandma was leaving so soon. She didn’t say goodbye.”

            Alex raised an eyebrow. “She said she couldn’t find you.”

            “Oh.” Hannah still looked disoriented. “When was that?”

            “Um, not long ago. Maybe a half hour? I wasn’t counting.”

            Hannah sighed and sat in the chair beside the bed. “Sorry I, just didn’t know she was leaving so soon.”      

            The girls looked at each other. This wasn’t okay, something was wrong, and Alex was just as uncomfortable.

            “It’s good if you go home tonight,” Natalie started. “You’ve been here too much. You look really tired.”

            Hannah’s eyes widened as she looked at Nat. “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah,” Nat shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”

            “Do you not want to come home tonight?” Alex voice sounded small, sad. “I can stay at Grandma’s again…we have church in the morning anyway.”

            Hannah put her hand up. “No, no! Of course I want to be home with you. And, I can bring you to Grandma’s or to church too. But maybe, maybe we can skip it and do something else,” Hannah attempted a smile.  

            Alex shook her head. “It’s my turn to bring the host up to the altar tomorrow with Debbie. I need to go.”

            “Oh.”

            “You can come to church, if you want. But you probably don’t want to, especially if you’re coming next week.”

            “Next week?”

            “Yeah,” Alex looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. “It’s Mother’s Day. You always come with us on Mother’s Day before brunch. Are you not this year?”

            “Oh, no, yeah. I.. Sorry honey, I forgot Mother’s Day was next week. I’ve lost track of time these past few weeks.”

            Natalie watched Alex closely. She was worried, possibly scared.

            “Hannah, do you need some coffee?” Nat asked stiffly, looking hard at her. The way she’d have asked a question of her months ago, when it was less a question, and more a veiled order.

            An unnatural laugh came from Hannah’s lips. “Yeah, I think I do. Do you want a hot chocolate from the cafeteria, gooseberry? Or maybe a cookie?”

            Alex shook her head. “No thanks.”

            “All right,” Hannah sighed and stood up. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

            “Wait,” Nat cut in. “Alex told me one of my friends called your house. Who was it? What did they want?”

            “What? Oh. Van called. She left a message the other night. She just wanted to talk to you.”

            “Why didn’t you tell me?”

            Hannah’s shoulders slumped. “Sorry honey, I just forgot in everything going on.”

            Natalie’s mouth formed into a thin line and she nodded slowly. “Okay. Why don’t you get that coffee, then? Alex and I can hang out here.”

            “Right,” Hannah nodded. “Be right back.”

            Hannah walked out of the room and the girls sat in silence.

            Alex was still looking at the door. Confusion shone on her face, her foot swishing nervously off the side of the bed.

            Nat cleared her throat. “Do you want to go to your Grandma’s tonight?”

            Alex’s head whipped back to Nat. “What?”

            “Are you okay with your mom tonight?” Natalie asked slowly.  

            “Yeah,” Alex’s expression changed from confusion into offense. “Why wouldn’t I be? She’s just really…tired.”

            Nat inhaled and nodded. “Okay. As long as you’re cool with it.” She reached for another marker. “Just…tell me if you’re ever not.” She looked at Alex from the corner of her eye, watching her color so hard with her marker she was flattening the tip.

            Nat shoved her toys and blankie to the corner and covered them with the sheet. Now instead of a bunch of baby things it was just a bulbous lump. …In a crib. A flush of shame came over Nat and she whimpered. She can’t see… She can just hear me… She won’t know… Nat looked at the long spiral of the phone cord hanging off the nightstand. With a moment of hesitation, Nat reached through the bars to grab the phone. She stared at the numbers on the buttons, dial-tone thrumming with muffled urgency.

            Nat inhaled tensely, clenching her teeth. “Don’t be a pussy,” she whispered to herself.

            With a disgruntled exhale, Nat quickly dialed the number she still remembered as well as her own.

            Nat held the phone to her ear with shaky hands.

            It rang once. Twice. Thr-

            “Hello?”

            Nat released a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “Hey dude. At home on a Saturday night? Psh, lame.”

            Van laughed. “Nat! What the fuck have you been doing? Hannah told me you’re in the hospital again.”

            “Ugh, yeah. I slipped in the shower and got busted up real bad.”

            “Damn, that sucks.” Her voice lifted, as though she just had an idea. “You know, they actually make these special chairs that go into showers for people who are too weak to stand without falling and cracking their fucking ribs! Jesus Nat, what’s the big deal with sitting down?”

            “I-you, what the…oh fucking Hannah,” Nat groaned, tossing her head back.

            “Mmhmm,” Van hummed theatrically. “And I don’t think she’s going to let you get away with this, young lady!”

            Nat could practically see the scolding hand gesture, accompanied by Van’s mocking smirk. She rolled her eyes. “All right, all right,” she let out a big sigh. “It was a stupid thing to do. Now I have to sit on a chair and have a fucking nurse with me in the shower.”

            There was a pause. Nat hoped the self-deprecation would break the tension, but Van didn’t laugh. Worse, she didn’t say anything.

            Nat’s mouth went dry.

            “Is it that bad?” Van’s voice sounded smaller, dimmer.

            “Uh,” Nat hesitated. “Yeah, I’m pretty fucked up. I um, I’m not just here because I fell. I also lost weight because I couldn’t really keep anything down for a few days. So…they got that tube up my nose again.”

            Silence.

            “Van?”

            “Is there a chance that you might die?” Van’s voice was rushed, terrified, holding back tears. “If there is, can I come see you?”

            “What?! No! I’m not dying!”

            “For real?”

            “For REAL!”

            “Okay…” Van paused. “So, has anything else happened? Since you got there? What’s it like?”

            “Not really. I’ve not seen much outside the hospital and Hannah’s house. Hannah’s place is cute. She gave me a room and clothes and everything,” Nat couldn’t hide the smile in her voice.

            “That’s cool. You met her kid?”

            “Yeah, Alex. She’s nice. A little annoying, because she’s always talking. But she’s sweet, and always wants to help.” Nat chuckled. “She made me pancakes my first morning and I puked them up all over the table.”

            “Ohhhhh, pancakes! I haven’t had pancakes since I’ve been back! Now I need to go get some today.”

            “Get an extra shortstack for me” Nat smiled. “So, how has it been at home?”

            “Like the fucking paparazzi on Oscar night, that’s how,” Van’s grumbled. “They died down for a bit, but now that the lawsuit is public, they’re all swarming again.”

            “Lawsuit?” Nat’s eyebrows furrowed. “Oh wait, I think my mom mentioned that when we stopped to get my stuff. Mr. Matthews is suing someone?”

            “Mr. Matthews is suing the airline company for a BILLION dollars!”

            “What?! A billion?”

            “Yes! With a B! And technically it’s a class action lawsuit, so it’s not just him. It’s also all of us and um, well…Jackie’s and Laura Lee’s and Mari’s,” her voice caught (but she pretended it was a cough). “You know, their families. Everyone who was on the plane, or their family, is in on it. I did the math dude…that means we’d all be multi-millionaires if we win. Seriously. We could do whatever we wanted! Go wherever we wanted! You need to call Lottie’s dad, so you get onto it too. You know what, I can give him Hannah’s number to call you there if that’s okay.” Van paused, taking on a high society accent. “I say we summer in Venice.”

            Nat couldn’t move. This couldn’t be real. It had to be a joke. “What?”

            “You and me could be multi-millionaires, Nat!” Van’s voice shook with excitement. “For real. We could buy a house. A mansion. Like Jackie’s or Lottie’s house. Better than we ever could’ve dreamed up.”

            Nat licked her chapped lips. “I guess that’s why my mom was so interested.”

            Van groaned. “Oh yeah, Vicky’s been acting all excited at the prospect too. Even being nice.”

            “That must feel new.”

            Van sighed. “Yeah. I’m guessing your reunion wasn’t much better?”

            Nat’s shoulders slumped at the memory, “No.”  

            “Anyway,” Van cleared her throat. “When are you getting out of the hospital? And how long are you staying at Hannah’s?”

            “My doctor said I’ll be here a few weeks. She said it would be a, quote, ‘long recovery’,” she sighed, biting her lip. “And…I think I want to stay here a while. Even when I’m better.”

            “Oh,” Van paused. “I wasn’t sure how long it would be, but if you like it, that’s cool. I want to get the hell out of here as soon as I can, too.”

            “Yeah,” Nat bit her lip.

            “So, she told you I called?”

            “No, actually Alex did.”

            “Hm,” Van’s demeanor darkened. “Hannah called me the other night. She was asking questions about you.”

            Nat’s chest tightened with worry. “What kind of questions?”

            “About your family.”

            “My family?”

            “Yeah, she…asked if you were treated bad by them,” the silence was heavy when Van paused. “I didn’t tell her anything. I figured if she was asking me, that meant she probably asked you and you didn’t want to tell her.”

            “No,” Nat responded, feeling distant and confused. “She never asked me about any of that.”

            “Oh.”

            Maybe she’s too scared to ask me…What does she want to know? Is she planning something?

            “She was really out of it today. And always worried about me,” Nat mumbled.

            Van was quiet for a moment. “Should she be?”

            Nat huffed, “I don’t fucking know. I can see her being worried about me being sick, but I don’t know what that’s got to do with my family.”

            “I don’t know dude,” Van started. “I just didn’t want to say anything you’d not want anyone to know. It’s not my business.”

            “Thanks.”

            Silence again. She didn’t know this conversation would feel so unnatural. “Do you know how everyone else is doing?”

            “Shauna, Tai and Misty are still in town with their parents. I think they’re planning to go to college in the fall. Tai’s going to Howard. You know, that one in DC her mom went to…” Van’s voice wavered. “Melissa went to stay with one of her brothers in California or something. I think she wanted to get away from us. And…you know what happened to Lottie.”

            “Yeah,” Nat swallowed, anxiety rising in her chest. “What about Travis?”

            “Travis um,” Van hesitated. “So, apparently his mom moved away, after the crash. To…Passaic, I think? Parsippany? I don’t remember. I know he’s with his mom, though.”

            Natalie was overwhelmed by the memory of Travis’ skin against hers, his heavy-lidded eyes drooping from psychedelics, the scent of his sweat, the sound of his cry. “Is he okay?” she croaked out.

             Van sighed. “I don’t know, Nat. I’m not gonna lie to you. He wasn’t doing too well when he left the hospital. But…maybe his mom got him some help.”

            Help. Such a vague term. Nat’s stomach boiled with worry and bitterness.

            “Nat?”

            “What? Yeah, I uh, just…let me know if you hear from him.”

            “I will.”

            “And uh, say hi to Tai when you see her, I guess.”

            “I will,” Van said softly.

            A nurse came into Nat’s room, clipboard in hand.

            “Hey, I think, I think I need to go. One of the nurses just came in and they probably need to do something gross or weird. But, thanks for calling. I’ll hit you up soon.”

            “Okay,” Van’s voice faltered.

            Nat sat there, waiting for some sort of closing statement from Van. Maybe she needed to do it?

            “So uh, later, Van.”

            “Bye…”

            Nat slowly pulled the phone away from her ear and watched the face of the nurse as she put the receiver back on the cradle.

Chapter Text

            The scent of Dominoes still lingered from the crust that still sat on the folding tables in front of the couch.

            “It’s good to be home,” Mom sighed and reached for Alex, pulling her into a side hug.

            Alex smiled, but felt uncomfortable. Mom was so out of it. What happened with her and Grandma? They must’ve fought. It had been a long time since they had, not since before Mom got lost. She definitely looked like she’d been crying. Maybe I can call Grandma and ask? No…then she’ll get worried and they’ll get them more upset at each other...or me.

            “I think I’ll put the tables and plates away.” Alex said suddenly, standing up and taking their paper plates. She went into the kitchen and threw them in the trash, then paused. She looked at the stovetop and realized Mom’s tea kettle hadn’t been in its normal place on the left front burner in…a long time.

            Alex opened the cabinet and took out the tea kettle, rinsing it off and filling it. She put it on the stove and took down Mom’s favorite mug. It was the one Grandma Belle got her in Florida years ago, with the fading green alligator licking its lips. “Send more tourists!” the caption said. With a reminiscent smirk, Alex put the mug on the counter and pulled the honey bear and Mom’s favorite tea out of the pantry.

            Maybe she should eat something else too… Alex looked at the shelves again. They didn’t have many snacks, but Alex found a half-empty box of Nilla wafers in the back. Mom likes them with tea sometimes… She set the box beside the alligator mug and paused, biting her lip.

            “Honey, is everything okay?” Mom’s voice carried from the living room.

            “Yeah Mom!” Alex answered, rushing back. She immediately went for the TV trays and folded them, putting them back on the rack in the corner.

            Hannah tilted her head and sighed happily. “Thank you, sweetheart. You’ve been so helpful and amazing lately. I really appreciate it.”

            Warm pride filled Alex’s chest. “You’re welcome.” She plopped onto the couch, cuddling against her mother, feeling a squeeze on her shoulder.

            “You really are the best kid ever. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Hannah tickled her cheek.

            Alex leaned into her mom’s shoulder, a heaviness in her chest that shouldn’t be there. “Love you, Mom,” she said softly.

            Hannah kissed her head.

            They cuddled for a few moments before a sharp whistle started, getting more insistent by the second.

            “Did you put on the kettle?”

            “Yeah,” Alex smiled. “I thought you might like some tea. To relax.”

            Mom looked at her again, with that soft, tired expression. It was filled with love, Alex could see. But there was something else there that Alex didn’t like. Almost as if her mother was looking at her from the outside, not really there.

            “I’ll go get it!” Alex ran off to the tea kettle, anxious to get away from that look.

            “Thank you, sweetie!”

            In the kitchen, Alex shut off the burner and put a teabag in the mug. Steam billowed around the hungry alligator as she poured the boiling water. As the teabag floated to the top, Alex squeezed the honey bear over it, watching the golden string sink to the bottom. The spoon clinked against the ceramic, tangling in the teabag’s string as Alex mixed in the honey.

            She grabbed a paper towel and folded it in half, taking three cookies out of the Nilla wafer box. Alex looked at the cookies and took out another, knowing Mom would almost certainly offer her one, or two. Mom needed to eat more. Even if it was cookies, she needed to eat.

            Alex walked back to the living room with the steaming mug and handful of cookies. “Your evening tea, madame,” she attempted a British accent, bending her knees in a satirical curtsy.

            Hannah chuckled. “Thank you.”

            Alex placed the tea and cookies on the side table beside her mother. “I brought some Nillas too.”

            “Oh, that’s nice. But here, you have one,” Hannah handed Alex a cookie.

            Alex smiled politely as she took the cookie before sitting down and taking a small bite. Darn…they’re a little stale.

             But Mom sipped her tea, and her shoulders were relaxed properly, not holding the tense posture she’d had for days. Her eyes drifted back to the TV screen. Maybe she’s stopped thinking about Natalie…

            Alex felt guilty even thinking something bad about Nat. She clearly needed so much help. How sick and scared must she be to act like a baby so much? And her mom, her own mom didn’t want to take care of her. Alex was still trying to wrap her mind around that. The idea of a mother not loving her child wasn’t something she’d ever considered. Even Mom and Grandma, who fought like cats and dogs, always loved each other. That’s what you do when you’re family, love each other, even if you get mad. Even if Nat stole things, why wouldn’t her mom just punish her for it and move on? Alex had a friend who stole a stuffed animal from her once when she was seven. She’d asked if she could have it and Alex said no. Later that night she saw her hiding it in her mom’s car when they were leaving. The girl got scolded and starting crying, and wasn’t allowed over to play anymore. But her mom definitely still loved and took care of her. Mom said that friend had some issues going on since her dad had cancer and she’d had to stay at her Grandparents a lot. Alex didn’t really understand why her dad being sick would make her steal a toy, but maybe it was related since Nat’s mom was also sick? It was weird. She didn’t play with that stuffed animal after the incident. Maybe she should’ve just let that girl have it if it meant so much to her.

            Hannah sipped her tea. “You made it just how I like it.”

            Alex smiled, watching Mom eat a cookie after dunking it. She’s eating… Maybe I can start cooking more since she’s so tired and really needs to eat. Grandma says I’m really good… Alex thought about the cookbooks Grandma Belle kept in the octagon side tables. She could look in that and see what recipes didn’t have meat in them.

            Mom reached her hand out and squeezed Alex’s. “Love you, gooseberry.”

            “Love you too, Mom.”

            Hannah took a long slurp of her tea, loud enough that Grandma would’ve chided her if she were there.

            Alex leaned against Mom, and watched her yawn.

            “Maybe we should go to bed soon,” Alex said. “I’m kind of tired.”

            “Yeah? Oh, me too. After I finish the tea, we can go to bed.” Mom put her hand on Alex’s head and gently ran her hand down her hair. She did it again, and Alex leaned in, hoping she would scratch her head. But Mom just pet her hair a few times before she reached for a second cookie.

            It’s okay, Alex told herself. Mom’s eating, and relaxing.

            After they were both changed and ready for bed, Alex followed Hannah into her room. “I can sleep in here tonight, right?”

            Mom smiled. “Of course, gooseberry. I’ve missed you so much! Come here and give me a squeeze.” She opened her arms and Alex hopped onto the bed wrapped her up in a big bear hug, knocking her over.

            “Ow!” Hannah cried.

            Alex jumped back. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

            Mom flinched and rubbed her shoulder, “Sorry honey, I’ve just been really sore lately.”

            “Oh… I’m sorry. I’ll be gentler next time. Do you need something?”

            “What?”

            “Like…Tylenol or something else? I think we have some.”

            “You don’t need to do that, I’ll be okay,” Mom rubbed her arm.

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah, I’m sure,” Hannah nodded. “Just lie down with me.” She slithered down and rested her head on the pillow, sighing. “It’s so nice to be in my own bed,” she smiled wearily.

            “Yeah,” Alex agreed, wishing she could feel the same relief. She slipped under the covers beside her mother and faced her.

            “Mmm, I love you, gooseberry,” Mom ran a finger down her nose, before her heavy-lidded eyes drooped.

            “I love you too.”

            Mom hummed and ran her hand along Alex’s hair and down her arm, the familiar calming sensation. She really wanted Mom to rub her back, but Alex could already tell she was too tired for that. Alex sighed and wrapped her hand around her mother’s. I’m getting too old for it anyway…

            Alex swallowed heavily, taking her mother’s hand. She placed palm against her cheek, and did her best to fall asleep. There was still church in the morning.

            The sun shined in Natalie’s eyes and she blinked, a sense of familiarity coming over her. The smell of cigarette smoke in her shirt, the heat of warm, metal bars clutched in her hands and under her knee. She leaned back, smiling up at Van sitting on the highest bar.

            “If I won the lottery, I’d…” Van bit her lower lip and looked to the sky, her tangled ponytail swaying in the breeze. “Buy a big, big house!” she yelled before bursting into giggles and throwing her arms out. Gravity took hold just as Van grabbed the bar beneath her knees, and she flipped off the jungle gym, stumbling into the woodchips. “With a movie theatre in it!”  

            Natalie laughed. “I’d buy a house by the boardwalk! That way I could go on all the rides, and build castles, and swim whenever I wanted. And I’d get to eat corn dogs, and zeppole and ice cream every day!”

            “Oooh! I want my big house to be down the shore too. And we can-”

            “NATALIE!” a distant voice called, the trailer door swinging open and banging against the side.  

            The girls froze, watching Natalie’s mother stomp out, looking left and right. Nat felt her heart rate pick up. “NATALIE, where are you?!”

            “You gonna hide or…” Van started.

            “NATALIE!” her father’s voice boomed as he burst out of the trailer. His gaze shifted up the hill, and he saw the girls. “GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!”

            A lightning bolt of terror shot through Nat’s body.

            “Yeah!” She nodded, jumping off the jungle gym and running in the opposite direction, Van on her heels.

            “Natty, wait up!”

            A fog of something alien overtook Natalie’s mind. As she ran down the hill towards the street below, everything…changed.  

            Suddenly, Nat wasn’t running towards Melon Ave to disappear down the alley behind the bagel shop. Her shiver made the leather of her black jacket crackle. The Payless shoes transformed into bulky black boots. Nat’s chin quivered, her hands trembled as she saw them, wet and slick with blood.

            “Nat, come on!” Van, also suddenly ten years older, hurried past her. “He’s coming!”

            Still shaking with horror, Nat turned her gaze backwards. She saw the aggressive march of her father, not twenty feet away.

            “I said get your ass BACK HERE!” he thrust his fist down with a pointed finger. Nat could smell the sweat and rage and beer. “Don’t make me do it, girl!”

            How did he there get so fast?

            Nat felt paralyzed, the memory of movement forgotten. Suddenly her father was in front of her and punched her in the chest, stomach, even her shoulders. White pain took over Nat’s eyes. Unable to scream, unable to even breathe.

            Nat didn’t know how she was still standing, didn’t feel like she was.

            Before she figured out if her feet were still on the ground, Natalie’s body jerked forward. Thick, calloused fingers squeezed so hard around her arm she found her voice and shrieked.

            “You can’t hide from what you did, Natalie!” he shouted, shaking her.

            Natalie flinched and squeezed her eyes shut. When they opened, she was back at the trailer, gravel crunching under Dad’s brown work boots.

            The door opened and Nat was lift-dragged through the door, metal steps scraping against her shins. The haze lifted when the reality of home lifted, and Nat started sobbing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t.”

            “You think you can get away from what you did, little girl? Did you think you could just go on, after all that and not get what you deserve?”

            Nat’s body was heaving with fearful sobs. “I didn’t mean i-i-i-t!”

            “Yeah? Why don’t you tell it to them instead?” Dad’s hand wrapped around the nape of Nat’s neck roughly before he shoved her forward.

            She grunted as she hit the floor. Coach Ben was in front of her, dead. The stench of illness, vomit, and shit overwhelmed her senses. Flies buzzed around his scruffy beard that never grew in evenly. Blood still seeped out of his chest.

            Nat SCREAMED. It ripped through her body with uncontrollable agony. She looked into the lifeless eyes of the coach, before noticing what beside him.

            Bound to a stick by his wrists and ankles, Javi lay with frost forming on his unnaturally blue flesh. Nat felt the cold of the frozen lake in her lungs when she inhaled.

             “NOOOOOOOO!” she screamed, huddled in a ball on the floor.

            Nat sobbed, tears blurring her vision as Mari’s head sat on a stump in front of her, hair like a Barbie a six-year old had taken scissors to.

            A tree bark plate with chunks of juicy meat was set in front of Natalie. Revulsion and horror ripped through her with another howl. Sickness coiled through Natalie’s body and she vomited painfully, over and over until she thought she would die.

            Nat panted, desperately trying to catch her breath, her nasal passages burning angrily.

            “Whatsa matter, Natty?” Dad asked gently. “Not hungry?”  He cocked his head towards her, half his head blown off, pieces of brain exposed.

            Nat screamed again.

            “Natalie!” a woman’s voice yelled. The sound of metal clanking made Nat jerk sideways with a gasp. Pain shot through her body and she gasped again, wondering why breathing hurt so much.

            “It’s okay angel, it’s okay,” the voice said again.

            Natalie turned her head and saw a face in the dimly lit room, the woman’s white coat almost glowing.

            Nat’s senses started fighting through the blur of fear. She saw the metal bars…not on the jungle gym, but surrounding her, and heard faint beeps of some machine.

            “It’s okay, you’re safe now.”

            She’s nice…Nat thought, and then she felt the cold, wet spot beneath her.

            Fear and confusion coursed through Natalie’s brain, as she tried to figure out where she was and who was next to her. All she knew for sure was she was already in trouble with Daddy, probably Mommy, and she’d just wet the bed.

            Nat whimpered and pushed herself backwards into the corner of the crib, trying not to cry.

            “I promise you’re okay, Natalie. I’m not going to hurt you,” the doctor said.

            A tear fell down her face and she wiped it away, gripping a bar on either side of her. The covers were caught up in Nat’s feet and pulled towards her, and the doctor’s gaze shifted to the dark spot on the sheet.

            Nat squeezed her eyes shut and braced for the response.

            “Oh angel,” the doctor’s voice cooed. “You don’t get in trouble for accidents here, okay? I promise. You just had a nightmare and your body reacted. You’re not in trouble.”         

            Natalie’s mind raced as quickly as her heartbeat.

            “I’m Dr, Boland Natalie,” the woman continued “Dr. Michelle Boland. I’m your doctor and you’re in the hospital to get better from your injuries. You’re eighteen and no one is allowed to hurt you. And it’s okay if you have accidents. I promise, no one’s mad.”

             Natalie opened her eyes and stared at the doctor. She did her best to process everything, especially the renewed pain, discomfort and wires all over her body.

            The memory still hung heavy in her mind. The butchered bodies. Her father’s vice-like grip. She looked at the wet spot again and whimpered. “Where’s Daddy?”

            “Daddy’s not here, honey. You’re in the hospital, in Rhode Island.”

            Murky memories crept back into Natalie’s mind. Hospital. Doctor. Hannah. The wilderness. Crash.

            Her eyes finally comprehended. This was Hannah’s doctor friend. Hannah. She wanted Hannah. “Hannah,” she cried. “Hannah!”

            “Hannah’s at home, sweetheart. She’s sleeping, it’s the middle of the night.” Dr Boland’s voice remained calm as she stood at the open side of Nat’s crib.

            Natalie cried and rubbed her eyes. She wanted Hannah to pick her up. But she also didn’t want her to know she wet the bed. She whined and shook at the bars of her crib.

            “Shh, I know, you want Hannah. We’ll give her a call early in the morning and then she’ll come to see you.”

            Natalie continued crying and fussing.

            “Easy, if you come to the end of the bed I’ll clean you up and hold you for a while, okay?” The doctor put her outstretched hands closer to Natalie. “Come on, let’s go to the bathroom.”

            Nat flinched away, watching where Michelle’s hands went, how she was holding them.

            But she didn’t reach closer.

            “It’s all right. You can come to me when you’re ready.”  Dr. Boland stepped back and sat on the big girl bed.

            Natalie moaned in frustration watching her sit there. She felt yucky, and scared, and wanted to be picked up. But she’d been really bad, and the doctor did some scary things before. Nat popped her thumb in her mouth and held her blankie, watching Dr. Boland carefully.

            “I’ll stay here until you’re ready. Then I’ll help you clean up and put you in a clean nightie.”

            A few minutes passed, and the doctor was still just…waiting, and being nice. She wasn’t saying anything or looking at her hard, only humming softly.

            Nat sniffled and wiped her nose, looking at the doctor and the wet spot on her mattress again. Her thumb came out of her mouth. “No punish?”

            The doctor smiled. “No punish, I promise.”

            Nat gripped one of the bars of her crib and scooted herself towards the edge.

            Michelle smiled, still not getting closer. “Want to walk or be carried, angel?”

            Nat looked down at the floor, back at her doctor and her chin quivered. She reached out both her arms, and Dr. Boland gently scooped her up.

            As soon as she felt the safe embrace and a warm hand rubbing her back, Nat sobbed.  She buried her face into Michelle’s neck as she was swayed and shushed.

            “I’ve got you, baby girl. It’s all okay. We’re going to go to the bathroom now.” She patted her back and walked towards the bathroom. Before going in, she leaned her head out the door to and called to a nurse, “Can I please get someone to change the sheets in this room?”

            Oh no, someone else would see too. Nat started wiggling and fussing in Michelle’s embrace so much she had to gently set her on her feet.

            “No, no, no.” Nat trembled.

            “What angel, what’s the matter?”

            She shook her head, eyes filled with tears. “Don’t tell…”

            Her face softened and she put a hand on Nat’s cheek. “Oh sweetie.”

            Just then a nurse walked in and Nat started breathing heavily.

            “Oh and one very important thing,” Dr. Boland said to the nurse, as she put a hand protectively on Nat’s head.

            The nurse turned, confused.

            “Let’s just keep this little clean up between us three. No one else needs to know.”

            The nurse smiled. “Yes, of course. Won’t leave this room!” She did a lock and key motion to her lips.

            Nat breathed a sigh of relief as she clung to Michelle.

            “See? You’re safe.” She rubbed her back before gently nudging her into the bathroom.

            Nat kept a hand clenched onto the doctor’s coat as she hobbled in. She felt a wave of fear when the door shut, but nothing scary happened. Dr. Boland helped her clean up, and put a fresh gown on her.

            “There,” Dr. Boland smiled. “Does that feel better?”

            Nat wiped her nose with her arm and nodded.

            “Good. Why don’t you go potty quick before we go back out okay?”

            Nat’s face burned and she frowned. “Won’t do it again…” she offered up defensively.

            Michelle shrugged. “All right. You’re a big girl and you know when you need to go.”

            Nat bit her lip and gave a small whimper as she looked at the toilet, fidgeting with her hands.

            “Ready to go back, angel?” Dr. Boland asked.

            Natalie picked her head up high and looked at Michelle. “Need to go potty first…” she said with a confidence that she’d come up with the idea on her own.

             Michelle nodded towards her and walked a step closer to the toilet so Nat could hold onto the rail on the wall. “I’ll be right over here,” she turned to the corner, giving Nat some privacy.

            After the toilet flushed, Michelle helped Nat up and brought her to the sink. Natalie paused and looked at her. “Wash your hands, angel.”

            Nat frowned again and didn’t move.

            “Come on, silly girl. Let’s wash hands.” She stood behind Nat and put her hands on hers, helping her wash them. Nat didn’t like it, and she didn’t like the way this soap smelled. She wanted to pull her hands away, but settled for moaning and wiggling.

            They walked back to the bed, and Nat wanted to be picked up, but she was still annoyed.

            “Would you like me to hold you for a while, or go back bed on your own?”

            The thought of being left alone again was scary enough it broke through Nat’s grumpiness, and she hugged the doctor tightly.

            Michelle laughed. “Okay, I get the message.”

            Nat then realized the sheets and covers in her crib were clean now, and her toys, binky, and teether were sitting in the corner. “Mine!” she reached out towards them.

            Dr. Boland immediately collected up all of her things. Nat snatched the pacifier and put it in her mouth before gathering up her blankie, Laszlo and Mandy to hug them.

            “Everybody ready?” Dr. Boland laughed.

            Natalie nodded and Michelle lifted her gently so she could hold her in the bed.

            Nat’s body immediately relaxed. She felt Michelle’s humming as much as she heard it, and she was being rocked. Nat really hated this hospital. Aside from the constant pain, there were the stupid wires all over, and an endless amount of gross, embarrassing things.

            But it was the safest she’d ever felt.