Chapter Text
The villain exchange program had sounded fun. Red Cloud had figured, ‘why the hell not?’
He rapidly began to regret that decision, however, when he opened the door to Satellite Lair 22 to greet his replacement for the next two weeks.
“…I thought you were supposed to be red.”
“I was red. This is just a temporary setback.” Red Cloud narrowed his eyes at the tall man standing in the cool night air on his darkened doorstep. “You’re Slicker, huh?”
“Obviously.” Slicker glanced around the lair with a lazy sort of curiosity. “So. You in a rut, too?”
Red Cloud hadn’t expected to be confronted like that so soon. He crossed his arms. “…Some might call it a rut.”
“Yeah?” Slicker flashed Red Cloud with a small, unamused smile and stalked past him into the brightly lit lair. “Well, my nemesis decided to go and coat herself in some sort of experimental anti-swallow goo. I can’t even lick her now. So I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to – ” Slicker stopped himself. Took a deep breath. “But that’s the whole idea with this program, right? Clear your head for a couple weeks and fight someone else’s nemesis for a change.” His dark eyes turned on Red Cloud glitteringly. “Please for the love of god tell me that your nemesis isn’t a self-righteous, impossible-to-swallow bitch.”
Red Cloud scowled. “How about a pompous, seemingly undefeatable alien?”
To his surprise, Slicker smiled. He actually smiled. “Oh, I’ll take pompous any day. Then you get to break them.”
“You think I don’t want to break him?” Red Cloud scoffed. “I’ve. Been. Trying.”
Slicker raised an unimpressed eyebrow. And Red Cloud glared right back at him; what had he been thinking signing up for this stupid program full of second-rate villains that were never going to fully grasp just how impossible to beat Shimmer was?
…Alright, maybe signing up for this second-rate program hadn’t been the worst idea in the world.
Because, as they sat down at the lair’s smooth, glassy white table and began trading muttered gripes, he felt the tense frustration in his gut loosening slightly. And, as the clock on the wall slowly ticked onwards, he found himself actually kind of liking Slicker. It would’ve been hard to not like him after hearing how much painstaking effort he’d been putting into slowly and systematically dismantling his nemesis’ life. Slicker was just… a down to earth, hardworking villain. Very respectable. And his nemesis sounded like a real do-gooder piece of work. Red Cloud was going to have fun raining acid down on her.
(He’d have to keep the acid mild, of course. He wasn’t used to just raining down on a superhero with mild acid, but that was one of the rules of the international Villain Exchange Program that they’d both agreed to. No killing or seriously maiming another villain’s nemesis. And they had signed their names onto a creepy piece of parchment with a guttural and menacing voice that had shown up at both of their doors the week prior, so… Red Cloud wasn’t particularly inclined to see what would happen if he broke the rules.)
Hard-working though he seemed to be, though, Red Cloud seriously doubted Slicker would be able to do anything of actual significance when it came to Shimmer. It wasn’t like he was going to be able to help him crack the code of making Shimmer suffer that he’d been trying to solve for months.
…But it wouldn’t hurt to run things by him, right?
And, when Red Cloud had finally finished venting, Slicker blinked at him from across the table. “If you want to make Shimmer’s life horrible, then why not just…” He waved a vague hand.
Red Cloud narrowed his eyes. “What? Why not just what?”
“You know. Just… do it? He’s one superhero; how hard can it be?”
“This requires finesse,” Red Cloud spat. “It’s not that simple.”
Slicker looked at him as though it were exactly that simple. “I mean… what are you waiting for?”
“The right opportunity, okay?”
“Opportunity for what?”
Red Cloud let out a huff. He didn’t know why he’d thought someone else might be able to grasp even a fraction of the brilliant intricacies of his evil plan. Or… okay, maybe it wasn’t exactly a plan right now. It was more the concept of a plan – but… He sighed. “Fine, fine. I’m… still working out the details of how exactly I’m going to ruin Shimmer’s life, okay? But it’s definitely going to be bad. I can tell you that much for free.”
Slicker looked deeply unimpressed. “’It’s going to be bad’. Wow. I’m shaking in my boots.”
“Hey. I sat here and listened to you whine about your little Canadian do-gooder for like twenty minutes; the least you can do is offer me some sympathy here. It isn’t exactly easy to completely and totally tear someone’s psyche apart, you know. I’m just… still trying to figure out exactly how I’m going to do it.”
Red Cloud wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination – if he was just seeing what he wanted to see – but he could’ve sworn he picked up on a glimmer of newfound respect in Slicker’s eyes. “Completely and totally tear your nemesis’ psyche apart, eh? Well now that’s a goal I can get behind.”
Some deep, possessive part of Red Cloud didn’t like the way Slicker said that. Like he’d be part of the psyche breaking. “Just remember he’s my nemesis to break into a million pieces,” Red Cloud said lowly. He didn’t want some Canadian hack coming in here and taking that from him.
Slicker waved a bored-looking hand. “Sure. Sure. He’s your nemesis. I’m just here for two weeks, remember? So while you’re, uh… working on how exactly you’re going to shatter your nemesis’ psyche into a million pieces, how about in the meantime, I make his life terrible?”
“…I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Right. Yeah. So… does Shimmer have some sort of significant other or something? That’s always a good starting place. It’s a classic for a reason, right?”
Ugh, why did Slicker have to remind him? Every time Red Cloud thought of Doctor Strange, he just thought of how much he wanted to bury the guy. Absolutely destroy him. Because… it was right there. Such low-hanging fruit. He’d seen the way that Shimmer looked at him. Like somehow the moon and the stars and the whole universe orbited around the guy. Shimmer would be devastated if something happened to him. Without a doubt. But…
He grit his teeth. “Yeah. Yeah, Shimmer’s dating this guy – goes by Doctor Strange.”
“…Weird name.”
“Yeah. I know. He’s, like… some sort of doctor that decided to do magic. And now he makes absolutely any villain he runs into call him ‘Doctor Strange.’ Like everyone in the universe is his patient or something. How conceited can you be?”
“Bleh. Why would Shimmer be into him? …Is he hot?”
“Obviously he’s hot.”
Slicker nodded sagely. As though that explained it. Red Cloud supposed it probably did.
“Look, the important thing is that Shimmer’s super into him. And I’ve been trying to figure out the perfect way to get at Shimmer through him, but…” Red Cloud glowered at a piece of fruit that Mike had placed on the counter. “The guy’s hard to touch.”
“What, ‘cuz of magic?”
“Yes because of magic. I’ve seen what happens to the people that try to get within ten feet of Doctor Strange when he doesn’t want them to. Guess what? It doesn’t work. He sends them falling into a wormhole or turns them into a goldfish or something.”
Slicker crossed his arms. “I mean, someone must have managed to hurt him. No one’s untouchable.”
“Yeah, probably.” Red Cloud sighed, waving a hopeless hand. “But you’d have to use some serious, heavy hitting magic. And I dabble in magic, but not like the people Doctor Strange fights.”
“Maybe magic isn’t the answer, then. Maybe you need to get back to the basics.”
The basics?! Red Cloud had never been more insulted. “Do I look like a basics kind of supervillain to you?! No. No, I’m better than that.”
“Kinda seems like you’re not.”
“How dare you – ”
“No one’s above the basics.” Slicker’s eyes bored right back into his, apparently unphased by Red Cloud’s affronted glare. “Take drugging for example – no matter who you’re dealing with, you get results. Just as long as you can find some sort of substance that works on ‘em.”
Red Cloud rolled his eyes. Please. That was so simple; way too old-fashioned. He wanted something exciting. “Like I said, I don’t need to be basic. I will kill this fucking guy. But it’s going to be dramatic as hell. And I’m going to do it. Not you.”
Slicker put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “Fine, damn. Well, uh… does Shimmer care about anyone else besides this guy?”
“Yeah, Doctor Strange does have these two little kids…” Red Cloud sighed morosely. And he shook his head at Slicker’s immediately widened eyes and obvious excitement.
Slicker was probably thinking something along the lines of ‘it doesn’t get much easier than hurting kids.’ Because that was what every villain thought, wasn’t it? Red Cloud remembered a brighter, naïve time when he’d thought that, too. Back before that tiny little witchy menace of Doctor Strange’s had turned him orange.
“Listen to me and listen to me well, Slicker,” Red Cloud said, as plainly as he possibly could. “Do not engage with those kids. I repeat, do not engage the kids.”
“But it would be so easy, wouldn’t it? I mean, what are they gonna do, draw pictures – ”
Red Cloud shook his head profusely. And he wasn’t often afraid, but… for the first time in months, he felt a spiking of true fear within him at the very thought of that cursed little girl. “No. No. Don’t do it. Listen; one of the kids is magic. And for all I know the other one could be, too. I’m not taking any chances with either one of them.”
“…So? Isn’t Shimmer magic, too? And Doctor Strange?”
“No. No, you don’t get it. This kid, she’s…” Red Cloud shuddered. “She’s on another level, okay? I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know much about magic, but… she turned me orange without even doing anything. She didn’t have to wave her hands or make sparks or anything. She just did it. Instantaneously.”
“…So?”
“So no one can do that. Not Shimmer, not Doctor Strange, not anyone that I’ve ever met.”
“…Oh. Shit.”
“Yeah, ‘shit.’ So don’t go making the same mistake I did, okay? Because… Look, you want to know the truth? I know I said the orange thing was temporary, but…” (He didn’t want to admit this. But if it could help some poor sap avoid falling victim to that demon of a little girl, then….)
“I’m starting to think I’m never not gonna be orange,” Red Cloud admitted in a traumatized whisper. “I went to this psychic for villains, right? And… He told me that the kid didn’t just turn me orange. She changed reality. Bent it to her will. Made it so that I’m orange, and I always have been, and I always will be. And he said you can’t fix something like that.”
Slicker stared at him numbly. “…That’s… terrifying.”
“Yeah. So learn a lesson from my misery and stay the hell away from the kids, got it?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Stay away from the kids. Sure. Don’t have to tell me twice,” Slicker agreed, nodding shakily. Red Cloud very generously decided to not mention that he had, in fact, told him twice. And Slicker furrowed his brow, letting out a slow breath. “So… the boyfriend’s out for the time being. And the kids are out. Does Shimmer have… I don’t know, a family or anything?”
“I mean, probably. But if he does have any relatives, I don’t know who they are.” Red Cloud sighed. “Honestly, the only other connection of Shimmer’s that I know of is that the Hulk is his ex.”
Slicker looked excited again. “Do you think there’s still something there? Maybe could I, uh… I don’t know, use that against him?”
“I don’t know, maybe Shimmer’s still harboring feelings for the Hulk. I have no idea. But even if I wanted to do something to him… Have you seen the Hulk?!”
Slicker nodded sympathetically. (Yes, finally someone was starting to understand a fraction of his pain.) And Red Cloud let out an irritated huff. “No, see, this is the problem. Clearly, Shimmer has a type. Because the Hulk is essentially impossible to hurt. And Doctor Strange… I will do something awful to him. I will. But… I’m still working on figuring out exactly how I’m going to do that. Like I said, I don’t know how to get close to him.”
“I don’t get it – why don’t you just go after Shimmer?”
‘Go after Shimmer.’ What, like he wasn’t trying? Red Cloud glared at him. “What do you mean ‘go after Shimmer?’”
“Y’know. Forget about the boyfriend and the kids and the ex for a while.”
He stared at Slicker in blank confusion. “…How would that help me?”
“Target the guy who’s actually your nemesis. Get straight to the source and hurt Shimmer. I mean, you can hurt him, right? Surely you’ve managed to hurt your nemesis before.”
“Well, yeah, obviously I can hurt him. But… I don’t know, Shimmer never seems phased by physical pain when I hurt him. That’s part of the reason why I’m going for emotional pain. And I’m not going to kill him – not yet. Not until I turn him into a pathetic, broken shell of worthless misery that’s sobbing uncontrollably at my feet.”
As it always did, the image of that fantasy brought him a modicum of grounding comfort. But it had never felt so far away. So depressingly out of reach.
“Hell yes.” That tiny little flicker of approval lit back up in Slicker’s eyes. “Okay, then. Figure out something that Shimmer would hate, or something that would hurt him so much that he can’t hide it. And do that to him without touching anyone around him.”
…That’s right. He’d almost forgotten. Slicker didn’t just swallow people. Red Cloud looked at the villain before him carefully, suddenly feeling like he was teetering over the precipice of something with breathtaking, whirlwind potential. It was exhilarating. “Can you do that?”
Slicker gave him what anyone else probably would’ve interpreted as a menacing smile. But they were villains. They were menacing all the time. To Red Cloud, it was nothing more than a normal smile.
“All I have to do is taste him.”
He just had to taste him. He just had to touch his tongue to him. Red Cloud could feel his breath catching with the sweet anticipation of it all. And Red Cloud didn’t care that all of this suddenly felt weirdly sexual. He was up for anything.
“And then we’ll know what his greatest fears are?”
“Oh yeah.” Slicker smiled menacingly again. “It’s gonna be very satisfying to swallow someone who doesn’t coat themselves in anti-swallowing goo on a regular basis, let me tell you.”
…Dammit. Slicker had been being really hot for a moment there, and he’d just totally ruined it. It was hard to get too upset about it when there was something as enticing as this, though.
“I’ll just wait until the next time that Shimmer’s out in public in his superhero form, and then I’ll show up to swallow him. Then we’ll be cooking with gas.”
“As long as you promise to stick to the rules and not kill Shimmer or seriously maim him, you can take whatever creative liberties you want. Y’know, until I get back from fighting your nemesis.”
Red Cloud had an anti-goo gun that had that bitch’s name on it. (And Shimmer always said he bought unnecessary villainous gadgets.)
Red Cloud sighed contentedly. And it might have been a chilly, dark night outside of his door, the air permeating listlessly through the streets of New York. But, sitting here at this table, Red Cloud felt it. That vindictive, rage-inducing, glorious spark of blazing fire.
It was only a matter of time until he destroyed Shimmer. Completely and utterly.
He was going to fucking ruin him.