Archive of Our Own

 

*soft voice, away from the mic*

A: "I'm still not sure why we are even doing this, what could we possibly -"

*creaking noise of a mic being adjusted*

C: "Luv, we're demon and angel, we've got tons to talk about that'll be interesting."

A: *askance* "You can't just tell people that!"

C: "Ahh, as if they'll believe it anyway! Fuck's sake, angel, they'll more likely believe we're Supernatural cosplayers or somethin' than get even close to the truth."

A: "Don't cuss! We're already recording, aren't we?"

C: "Ngh. Who cares. What are you, American?"

A: "I'm an angel!!"

C: "Now you're the one who said it!"

A: *huffs* "Well, what are we even supposed to be talking about here?"

C: "kngh, at least you know that we have to talk about something, I was afraid you didn't even know what a podcast is supposed to -"

A: "I know what a podcast is, dear! The Sergeant and his young apprentice have one on the u-tube, I listen every week!"

C: "the bloody witch hunters?! Well, at least that proves me right that this is a proper evil demonic activity…"

A: "Oh, don't be like that! It's informative, is it not? That can't ever be the work of evil."

C: "uh-huh. Sure. And what, them talking 'bout huntin' and killin' some women is just, good kind useful god-fearing information?"

A: "Honestly! They're not in that business anymore as you well know. I'm sure Anathema would not have married Newton if they were! Well, they do talk about the Sergeant's collection of weapons sometimes, which is a tad distasteful…"

C: "Ugh, weapons. Well, guns aren't all that dangerous, are they. You can stop them just by jamming your finger up the barrel, so you only need to get close enough..."

A: "Crowley! It's still going to shoot! And that poor person would at the very least lose a finger, if not -"

C: "Naw, no. The finger blocks the bullet. It's foolproof."

A: "Really now. I might not be that well versed with modern weaponry, but this is a gun we are talking about! Wait just a mo'-"

*snapping miracle sound*

*sound of several books falling on the table*

C: "What's half your bookstore got to do in my flat, angel?"

A: "Here it is. 'The projectile is fired using an explosion, as opposed to the compressed air of a toy gun or the elastic forces of a sling shot'. A human finger cannot stop an explosion! In fact, the person in question would be lucky if the only thing they lost was their finger and not their life!"

C: "...the finger blocks it."

A: "Crowley! Now you are being obtuse on purpose!"

C: "the bullet would move a bit and then hit the finger and stop it's not like it's that hard to understand, Angel, really -"

A: "people are going to lose their hands!" *calmer, but louder/closer to the mic* "Everyone listening to this, please do not believe a single word Crowley has said. Firearms are dangerous weapons and their deadly force cannot be quelled by sticking a finger down the barrel!"

*snapping sound of another miracle*

A: shrieks "Crowley!"

C: "what? It's practically vintage, a Beretta 418. And here, look -"

*clicking sound of a gun jamming, accompanied by Aziraphale gasping in shock*

A: "Crowley! You could have gotten discorporated!"

C: "Eh, angel, what was that about not revealing demonic secrets? Anyway, I was right. It totally jammed."

A: "you've miracled it to jam! A finger doesn't block a bullet!"

*Crowley pulls out his finger, a bullet clinks onto the table*

C: "Finger defeats bullet. Every time."

A: *huffs*

C: "Yep. Even cool James Bond vintage guns. Not a chance."

A: *sarcastic* "I'm sure."

C: "Oh, don't pout, Angel!"

A: "I do not pout."

C: "Uh-huh. Hey," *sound of book being pulled from pile of books* "That's not a weapon's book, is it?"

A: "Huh? Oh, the maritime vessels? I must have miracled it up by accident… those ships do have some weaponry in there! But I keep it with the maritime section in the shop, it really shouldn't have shown up…"

C: "Maybe someone put it back in the wrong shelf?"

A: *splutters* "Don't even make me consider the possibility! The very notion! A book, in the wrong place, oh I know -

C *loudly* "So how about that maritime stuff, yeah?"

A: "I check them every day and any customer who -"

C: "You have a whole section of your bookshop about the sea, why don't you tell the podcast listeners a bit 'bout that, hm?"

A:" - would dare to - oh, why yes, of course! Though to be quite honest I daresay this is one of the only books of nonfiction I have about ships and all that, I have collected a number of novels over the years that take place on them, but when it comes to nonfiction I much prefer the ones about the wildlife and the sea itself. Did you know that humans have sent little robots to monitor the ocean?"

C: "Yeees, because they've only been doing that since the 90s," *eyeroll/sigh* "did you know Orcas balance fish on their snouts? It's like a meme."

A: "Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, Crowley! But really, they carry the fish around? And the fish let them? …what's a meme?"

C: "Eh, no, pretty sure they're already dead at that point."

A: "How morbid! I much prefer to think about live specimen."

C: *grins* Well the Orcas are alive. Great animal, Orcas. Very bitey. Almost as destructive as the giant squid, though them squids only really get destructive when they're dying and going all crazy about it."

A: "Honestly, Crowley, I'm sure our listeners don't want to hear about that! There are such lovely details about the wildlife, the deep sea communities and the whale songs, and of course the best thing about the sea -"

C: "The best thing about the sea is the sharks."

A: "Oh yes, they are quite interesting animals! Such varied different species! And many of them are much more social than one might think. They're also…"

C: "Smooth."

A: "Pardon?"

C: "Their skin. It's smooth."

A: "No it's not? It's actually quite -"

C: "Smooth."

A: "Please don't interrupt me. They actually have quite rough skin, like sandpaper."

C: "Naw. Smooth like glossy paper. Like, CD cover smooth. Maybe you rubbed it the wrong way."

A: "There is no 'right way' to touch a shark, and it would not be smooth either way!"

C: "Must be something wrong with your hands, angel, sharks are totally smooth. Sure nothing got messed up last time you got a new body?"

A: "Honestly, I don't have to touch a shark personally to know the texture of them. They are covered in rough scales. They're fish, Crowley! They don't even have skin! Oh! I believe I know what's happening, you're thinking of dolphins?"

C: "Dolphins? Laughing fuckers, not smooth at all. Now, your great white sharks though? Smoothest animal in the world."

A: "Honestly, I can't believe how wrong you are! Usually you're so well read, despite not actually liking books."

*sound of some piles of books falling over, Crowley sneezes from book dust*

C: "Ugh, no! No more fact checking! It's all fake news anyway in those books of yours."

A: *harrumph* "Here! 'Shark skin is covered by a layer of dermal denticles, otherwise known as placoid scales, that are made of the same material as human and stingray teeth. These flat, triangular scales have a central cavity supplied with blood flow, and they’re covered with a layer of dentine (hard tissue) for added protection. Denticles also grow with the shark as it ages, forming fresh scales between existing ones to cover the newly exposed shark skin.'"

C: "Heh. So they have got skin."

A: "It's covered in scales! You wouldn't be able to touch it!"

C: "Ngh. But if you could, I bet it would be smooth. Smooth as a stucco bathtub."

A: "How did you even come to that comparison?"

C: "So, whatchu want to talk about next? Could tell us about your fav book, still Austen's Persuasion isn't it? I've heard the '22 film didn't do all that well, tho you'd probably still make a killing if you bought a bunch of these paperbacks with movie pictures in bulk, selling them later when - "

A: *irate that someone would buy a book from him* "Why would you even suggest that! You know I could never part with any of my dear books, and I feel no need to keep editions with photographs in them in my -"

C: “Hey, if you don't want them, that's why you could sell them!”

A: “No. No no no, no book selling under my watch!!!”

C: “Oookay angel, if you say so. Should maybe bite the bullet and turn your bookshop into a library…"

A: "A library? Where everyone could take the books home and bring them back with ripped covers and pages, and dog ears and notes in the margins -"

C: "Hmm, love me some notes in the margins."

A: "Now you're just saying that to rile me up."

C: "Ngh, forgive me, angel? Anyway, could be a museum, maybe, your shop. Could put all your books safely behind some showcase glass…"

A: "They're books, not exhibits! They're meant to be read!"

C: "Just by you though, eh?"

A: "… I've let Anathema borrow that book about the woman's suffrage just last month."

C: *grins* "And I'm sure that's the only person besides you who even got to touch that book within a century."

A: "Don't be silly, Crowley, the book isn't even that old yet. Now, I could tell you all about the latest book I had been reading, it's an old favorite of mine by Agatha Christie -"

C: "Christie! Heh, yes, now that was an interesting gal, didn't she try to kill her husbands? Lots of poisons she'd used, anyway."

A: "Not at all. She wrote murder mysteries, but she was a lovely person and not at all murderous in her true personal life."

C: "Sayin' she was murderous professionally, then?"

A: "She wrote books about it, like I just said! Miss Marple, and Poirot - and don't you pretend you don't know them, I've seen you with a copy of The Mysterious Affair At Styles. And don't say I just mixed up my books with your things again either, I can tell my first edition from that cheap paperback you were trying to hide."

C: "Hm. Might've read that, yeah. Ain't the lady in green the murderess?"

A: "What lady in - no! No, you're thinking of Cynthia's dress aren't you? No, she didn't kill her benefactor! Did you not read it to the end, dear?"

C: "Hmmm no I'm sure I did. And she killed her."

*snapping miracle sound* *sound of flipping through book pages*

A: "Here! Read this, my dear, do you recognize the passage?"

C: "Ngh. ...well, who says you didn't miracle up a version that's all wrong?"

*Sound of a book snapping shut*

A: "This is an original! A first edition!"

C: "yes, yes… you accused me of miracling up a lying gun earlier, and now you can't handle me telling you you've miracled up a lying book?"

A: "I simply got the book from my shop! I didn't miracle it into existence! And I never doubted the gun you had miracled up earlier, I just know that you used another miracle to stop the bullet!"

*alarm sound*

C: "Guess time's up for this, won't want it to get too long, what with all the tiktok attention spans…"

A: "The what? What time is up? Oh, for the podcast? But we have barely talked about anything at all yet!"

C: "Heh, an'sure you still think podcasts are all nice and informative and angelic? Not at all s'mthin' demonic for me to do?"

A: "You - I - oh, all of this was on purpose! Crowley!"