Chapter Text
With his 4th Medal of Honor, John Walker was honorably discharged from service. His superiors in the Army had congratulated him for achieving so much yet he couldn't think of anything worthwhile. Each medal seemed to mark one of the worst days of his life. The last being the worst as even all of his bravery couldn't save his best friend. He'd hardly walked out of it alive himself. While he recovered at the hospital, he seriously thought it should have been Lamar recovering and not him. Even as Lamar's family visited him and thanked him for even trying to save their son... He just wished he'd done more.
Now that he didn't have to go back overseas... He thought he could focus on his home life with Olivia. Maybe start that family they'd always dreamed of. But his days overseas seemed to haunt him. Noises reminded him of gunfire, explosions and civilians. Walking the streets he thought something might happen at any moment. It was difficult leaving home and Olivia was tired. So the divorce began and just a few months after coming home, he was moving out on his own. It was the first time he was out on his own... He'd joined the military straight out of high school. Had only ever known sleeping in large groups. Laughter and constant banter.
Now there was silence in his 1 bedroom apartment.
John was trying his best every day to get over his fears. Every day he went out for a run or to the gym but didn't have the guts to go at peak hours. And as he's running one morning, he goes by the VA office. He spots signs for support groups. He takes a slip on a whim. Maybe he'd go... Maybe he'd finally interact with a crowd. Who else to better be in a crowd with for the first time than fellow veterans? People who would theoretically get it. Although he dreaded the idea that some of them may have enjoyed their time serving.
Some weeks later, John dresses himself... Then undresses as he'd picked his uniform. Then finally re-dresses into more casual clothes. Jeans, belt and a t-shirt. His hair had grown out a bit... He wonders if he'll fit in this way? Or if the long hair and grown out beard would have people questioning how much of a good soldier he'd been. He swears he was. He had four medals to show for it. But the bravery that got him that far wasn't around anymore.
He walks to the support groups meeting place. First to arrive besides the guy leading it -- Sam Wilson. He shakes his hand, going through the general pleasantries of soldiers meeting. Where they served? How long? Then he finds himself in a seat.
"Not many typically show up." Sam adds as a disclaimer, smiling faintly. "Might just be you and me tonight." He admits.
John isn't sure how he feels about it? But he guesses it's mostly relieved.
So much had happened since he and Steve successfully joined the military back in high school. Both enlisted and being sent out in the same squad had been the best for them, for the Army. They worked best together, their squad becoming their whole family. They eventually got into a battle they couldn't win, and Bucky was left behind. Captured. A secret prisoner of war. He was held for years.
It wasn't until a few years ago he was finally released, brought back to the US with a necrotic disease eating away at his left hand. They removed it. Then they had to remove more and more until all he had left was his shoulder socket joint. And once they removed it, they discharged Bucky and sent him out into the world without any further direction or help.
By now, Steve had found his own life and had been discharged long before Bucky was returned. Steve had gotten himself tangled in another couple, apparently the three of them were happy and one of them happened to have been Tony Stark, who hooked Bucky up with a prosthetic that the military could only DREAM of. He gave instructions and told Bucky to have a yearly check up and to get therapy. Jackass. Steve agreed with his boyfriend, telling Bucky about a VA office that was low key and would be the perfect match.
So. Bucky went once. Him and the man running the support group got into a fist fight, and Bucky hadn't been back since. That is, until Steve threatened him with a psychiatric hold. Which terrified Bucky more than facing Wilson again, or even other military members who were also discharged. Bucky, unkempt with some sweats, a plain black baseball cap and a red hoodie walked into the hall Wilson rented out with Steve, well dressed, in toe. Sam was about to throw them both out, but Steve nudged Bucky a bit hard. "I didn't mean to hit you." It was the best apology Wilson was going to get, Steve also turned his blue eyed puppy stare onto Wilson, and when Steve left the three men alone, Bucky sighed.
"They get me every time too." He grumbled before going and sitting in a chair as far as he could from Walker and Wilson.
Walker was sat at his seat, hands gripped together as he waited for more people to show up. Then he saw Sam get up and walk out. He leans forward, peeking towards the door out to the hall. He could see Sam and two others having some type of exchange. Walker quickly sat back, closing his eyes as he focused on anything but the exchange going on. He could feel the room filling. It was too much. It was way too much noise. He should leave... He didn't really actually need to be here anyways. He could definitely just go out and be among civilians. It was totally... easy.
Sam clears his throat as he sat back down. Both Walker and Bucky a healthy distance away from him and each other. It's so awkward. And yet he knows he won't convince them to get closer on the first session. He knew he was barely going to have luck with Bucky at this point and... He didn't know much about John. He hoped the guy would be more receptive. Maybe he'd open up the little group.
"Alright, guys. This is our group for the night." Sam begins, hands settling on his lap and a smile on his face. "I can... start us off here. I'm Sam Wilson... Air force Veteran. 58th Pararescue Squadron. I been running the DC VA Support Group since I got back home. Helping people like you and me navigate this new world. I'm here to support you all in any shape or capacity." He relaxes back against his seat. "You guys don't need to introduce yourselves or participate... You don't need to do anything... But any participation is appreciated."
There's silence.
John looks up from his hands, towards the stranger then at Sam. He could see the guy pushing with those big doe eyes for him to speak first. John clears his throat, "Uhh yeah... I'll... I want to participate." He says, trying to put his best foot forward. "Um... I'm John... John Walker. 75th Ranger Regiment. Army." He introduces himself. Then follows Sam's gaze over to the other guy.
The stranger was definitely military. He looked vaguely familiar and Bucky felt the urge to want to fight. He always had the urge to fight since he was a POW, he had to fight for his life for every minute while being held captive.
Closing his eyes as Sam introduced himself, Bucky clenched his fists in his hoodie pocket, his leg bouncing a little as silence fell over the little group; he didn't look at either of them while considering his options. Would involuntary psychiatric--before he could finish the thought he knew he would never see the outside world again if he was caught for the involuntary hold. Bucky realized that the stranger was talking, John from army Rangers? Then he realized they're both staring at him, and damn it he had to participate. His jaw clenched and uncleched a few times, before a slow exhale came out of his nose. He really had to do this, to continue to be free.
"James Barnes. 107th. Army." Bucky spoke shortly. He looked away from John and Sam's eyes. "Recently came back stateside." There. He said more than he had the first time he was here, volunteering information that wasn't necessary but God damn he was terrified. Maybe... this wouldn't be too bad.
Sam wanted to clap, but he didn't. He nodded a little, "alright. Good start."
Bucky shifted to sit back in his seat and force his glare to stay on the floor. He wanted to throw chairs, throw his fists, anything to cull this awkward silence.
John looked intently at Barnes as he introduces himself. Like he's absorbing all of that information. He's not the type to forget someone's name or want to be forgetful. He'd met so many civilians while overseas and could remember their names. The memories they shared together. He was able to make them laugh even though they were in a war torn country. He'd even carried hurt civilians to a medical bay, given them company in the middle of their pain... John used to feel so useful and positive. But now? He isn't sure he could do it. Surely he could, right?
"How's it been for you guys... being back?" Sam asked as he tried to keep the conversation going. He knows Bucky may not want to answer but he hopes it might stir something - ideally a voluntary conversation.
John massaged his thumb pad over the knuckle of his other thumb. Tongue pressing to the inside of his cheek. He glanced over to the other guy then back at Sam. "Going out in public is hard... I honestly thought about bolting when I heard people coming." He admits. He felt his heart hammering at this admission. The words somewhat rehearsed in his head. He had to prepare for the meeting... Or else he definitely would have bolted.
Bucky leveled his glare briefly on Sam as he asked how it's been for them since coming back, and he feels that itch to fight again. Before he could act in any way, he heard John speak up. He had a tremble too, now that Bucky is looking at him, he admitted that he was scared and that this was a hard adjustment for him. How could it be easy for anyone when you've seen active combat? Bucky looked at the floor, studying the lame linoleum pattern, closing his eyes after a second.
"I... have to... remind myself almost every second that it isn't a fight for my life anymore." Bucky's throat felt tight as he admitted this, as he finally opened up just a little.
"Don't know how much either of you know, but I was held captive." This part was said with more ease, like it was rehearsed and each word was dripping with forced distancing. Bucky looked up, first to Sam briefly but he wanted to see how John reacted to this information.
Sam breathed out a bit - not having realized until then he'd been holding his breath as he awaited their responses. Though at the implication that Sam would share anything private like Bucky's experience overseas. He breathes out a bit, ready to gently remind him this was a session for them and that he, much like a therapist, didn't share things.
But John speaks up first. "Sorry I didn't know. I just got here." He adds at the end, slightly in defense. How would he know a thing? He just got here! But it's a trait that he'd taken up from his marriage. His gaze lingers over James's especially as the other actually looked at him for once. "It's hard enough going out there but... going through what you did... I'd have trust issues too." He says, shrugging his shoulders a bit and looking away.
"But it takes one good step to start coming back from those moments." Sam says before the silence could get too far. He looks at them and smiles gently. "This is a huge step for you guys.. Been through what yall been through and you're here. This is a group you can feel trust in." He takes a little pause but continues. "We meet every Monday at this time. But I'm always right over there." He points just out the hall. "office is there... doors open all the time even on weekends. If you're not feeling a group session, that's why I'm always there."
It isn't long after this that the group session ends. John stands from his seat, taking a step towards Sam to shake his hand. He shakes Sam's hand firmly, thanking him for the time. Then he turns to look at James, head tilting like he was trying to decide whether he was ok with him getting close. Instead he stays put and raises his hand slightly to wave.
"It was good meeting you."
Bucky watched, waiting, like a hawk for prey. When John speaks up, when he gets defensive, Bucky bristled a little because having someone be defensive made another defensive. Bucky clenched his jaw, then his fists in his hoodie pocket before Sam spoke up as John finished.
Sam tried to insist that this is a place to be safe, and that this is a group meant to be built on trust. He offered to be here, no matter what, or when, and Bucky considered that. He considered the truth of it, the way Sam just sounded sincere in a way that Steve did. Bucky was quiet, as John and Sam spoke, shook hands.
Then John was waving, saying it was good to meet Bucky. He stayed respectful, staying back, offering a wave. Bucky slowly stood up, looking at John for a good long moment, before he turned and left without another word.
The week blurred after that, briefly he called Steve and explained that he was going back, on Monday.
Monday came. He considered not going, but, he wouldn't be honest with himself or Steve if he didn't go back.
Bucky dressed a little nicer, jeans, a clean t-shirt and the same red hoodie. He went back. He was about ten minutes early, even taking a moment to have some coffee. It tasted like shit, but he drank it anyway and sat where he was last time. Bucky's leg jiggled again, so when Sam and John both in, Bucky looked at John. He gave a slight wave, with his right hand, to acknowledge them both, before he's shoving his hands away again.
"Your coffee's shit, Wilson."
John was awkward as he stood there and stared at James. His hand slowly coming to a stop in its wave. Smile fading as well as the guy just turned and left. He watched... listened as his footsteps went down the hall then the door shut. "Right... Great interaction." He mutters then looks at Sam who only politely smiles and shrugs his shoulders. Sam, like a therapist, wouldn't remark on any of that either. Though he might just absorb the gossip and perhaps leave names out of it during a call with his sister. John sighed then wished Sam a good night then left.
The very next day, divorce papers were slapped on a coffee shop table by Olivia's manicured hands. He stared at the red polish then followed her arm up to see her face. She was serious. Bad mood. The type he tried to stay away from. The rest of his week he spent pacing at his kitchen table staring at the papers and pen. Running a little more than usual. Sleeping a little less. Visiting the grocery store at odd hours to pick up ingredients. He heard baking was good for stress.
And then came Monday.
John was walking in at exactly 7PM with stacks of baked goods. He could rest his chin on the very top box. He pauses when he saw Bucky and Sam there. Sam looked fresh to arrive as well.
"Well, Buck, I'm in my office all day. Can't say I've tried many places around here, honestly." Sam says with an amused face. Good to hear Bucky saying something more. He looks over at John, walking over to help him with the boxes. "What's all this?" He questions.
"Uh well. Just some breads... cookies... Brownies too." He explains as he lets Sam take half the pile over to the table with the shitty coffee. John started laying everything out, seeing the way Sam sniffed and rubbed his palms together excitedly. He turns to look at James, "Um... There's a place... a couple of blocks down. Ground Up Cafe.. Great coffee." He suggests. He'd drank a few cups while staring at the freshly served divorce papers long after Olivia had left the spot. The workers probably thought he was insane. It was the first time in a while since John had been around people. But he had to let it sink in.
"I could show you or um... Bring some here next time." He suggests then quickly brushes off. He grabs a brownie for himself then a cup of coffee.
Sam was quiet at the suggestion from John to Bucky, though he slowly turned to look at Bucky... His brows lifting as if to suggest he take up the offer.
Bucky looked up to see the giant stack of boxes being held by John, even as Sam says that he's also a shut in and it made Bucky smirk a little. He felt like he won something just now, but he doesn't let it sink in too much as he watched John and Sam put the boxes down.
Then he realized John was talking to him, offering to go to a place called Ground Up Cafe, apparently it had good coffee. And from the look of the pink boxes, good treats too. Bucky looked at the brownies specifically for a moment, before he looked up to see Sam staring at him with those big ol' eyes that mirrored Steve in too many ways. Bucky looked at John, who was not looking back. It was an attempt. A huge attempt.
Bucky's mouth went dry, his throat constricted. "Okay." He offered instead of the instinctive no.
It was at this point, Bucky took a moment to actually look at John's entire form. So what if his eyes lingered just a little on that taught butt? SO WHAT?
Bucky then stood and slowly approached the other two men, the table. THE BROWNIES! He was quick to grab a brownie and even another cup of shit coffee before walking away. "Thanks, John, for the goods." Bucky mumbled around his brownie, fuck it had been TOO long since he enjoyed chocolate much less a brownie.
It made him pause before he slowly sat back down a little less rigid. The last time he had brownies that weren't shitty MREs was his mom's.
To shove his emotions down, Bucky quickly devoured his brownie.
John hadn't expected the okay from James. He sort of blinked at his coffee, then looked back to see the guy staring at him. The blond now becoming observant over Bucky's staring. The last time too. Was that a common thing for him? He looks back to his coffee and nodded his head, putting a lid over it. "Uh yeah... cool. Right." He says, trying to be nonchalant. He couldn't remember the last time he went out with friends. The only time he ever went out was with Lemar and... Those days are gone unfortunately. He looks over as Bucky stepped to his side and began to pick at some of his baking. Seeing the way he looked... maybe a little excited? He's not sure. Maybe nice?
"Yeah no problem... If they're any good, I can make more." He says as he also makes his way to his seat.
"Mmm." Sam hums enthusiastically. "I might not let anyone else have these... Gonna pack them up right now to get them to my car." He jokes as he sits in his usual seat. He breathes out, smiling at the guys. A good start to the session... "So you went to a coffee shop, John?"
John froze up, looking up from his coffee... Then quickly back down, nodding his head. "Uh yeah... Yeah I did. I almost forgot that that's even... like a step." He admits.
"What was it like?" Sam asks.
John kept his gaze on his coffee and brownie. Head nodding slowly, body rocking slightly as he tried to play off what he was actually there for... "Didn't realize anyone was around me... Focused on the divorce papers." He finally admits, sighing and looking up from his coffee. Instead raising it to his lips for a sip. It was shitty.
"Oh... Sorry." Sam quickly apologizes. Then his gaze wanders to Bucky to see how his week had gone.
Bucky had gone out once with Steve since getting back and that ended about as badly as it had with meeting Sam the first time. So of course Bucky understood where John was coming from but maybe being in a usually quiet place would be a good idea? After he finished his brownie, John was suggesting that he could make more. Bucky looked impressed, these were good ass brownies. Buuuut he couldn't let John know that just yet.
A new hobby? Baking. Good for John.
Snorting at Sam as he suggested taking all the sweets for himself, Bucky shook his head at the idea and listened as Sam prompted John to talk more. Bucky looked up, not keeping uncomfortable eye contact but to study John as his expression told the story of panic then pain and regret while his mouth moved around the words. Divorce papers. Bucky's eyes dropped to John's hands, studying for the ring indent or ring itself. He heard Sam apologize before the silence fell on the room again, Bucky realized it was his turn to speak. "Didn't do much." Bucky responded after an agonizing long silence. "Learned how to use Uber and Uber Eats." Bucky admitted sheepishly, "never uh, had a chance to learn how to use a smart phone...."
John was grateful when James eventually replied. He anxiously sipped at the coffee, glancing down at the edge of the cup. Then he finally put it down. Focusing himself on his brownie. He paused a bit... Surprised by what he'd managed to make. They weren't bad! He looks over as Bucky talked about Uber and Uber Eats. He laughs and shakes his head a bit. "That's dangerous." He says with an amused smile. His smile is a little lopsided, going higher at his right side. Eyes squinting into the expression. "You'll never leave the house with that thing... I mean you can get food... groceries... like anything."
Sam laughed a little and nodded his head. His left arm crossed over his chest, holding up his right arm at the elbow. His index finger held up his brow. "My sister always facetimes me... You know she's nosy and just wants to see where I'm at." He tells, chatting about his own qualms with technology. Although he was hardly complaining - he loved being nosy about his sister's life too. And his nephews.
This session was a little smoother than the last. John talked a little more although some of it did seem practiced. He had to... made him feel a little less anxious. If he could predict some of the conversation... he wouldn't feel so exposed or unprepared for the situation. And when the session finally ended, came talking to James which he'd also taken a second to rehearse. He walked slightly towards him before he could leave, raising his hand slightly at his side to catch his attention.
"Hey-" He says, to catch his attention. "Um... Coffee? There a day that works for you?" He asks.
Over at the snack table, Sam was preparing the boxes to take home. He actually wasn't kidding about it. He turned slightly, trying to subtly catch the conversation. Peering out of the corner of his eye as if to signal Bucky that he was listening! And he'd certainly nag like a mother if Bucky didn't try to put his best foot forward. Not just because they both knew Steve... But because Sam actually cared about the veterans that came to his sessions.
They all talked.
John warning him it was dangerous about Uber, and yeah Bucky agreed just because it was information he was sharing with a stranger, but because it was so much easier than it was to leave the house.
And FaceTime. He did it with Steve once during the week. He saw how happy Steve Tony and Natasha all were together. It was—weird.
Clearing his throat, he had left it alone and when the session was over, Bucky was actually pulling his phone out to look it over, to consider maybe looking at a local grocery store or something so he didn't have to interact again. He wasn't ready. Why did he agree to go get coffee? Bucky had stood up, seeing John's feet and moving hand back down before he looked up at John. The man was asking when would be a good time.
When would be a good time? Never.
Bucky actually had his back to Sam, but he could feel those eyes on him. He pursed his lips, was this friendly? Was this something because they were both vets or was it because John was interested? Was John hitting on him? Bucky doubted it, yet he found himself speaking.
"Anytime." Bucky finally offered, finally. Might as well take a chance? Despite John having been just recently divorced, maybe the man was... trying to move on?
Bucky tried not to think about it while he slowly offered his unlocked phone over to John, "here. Text yourself..." Maybe——Bucky can try this. Whatever this was going to be.
John could see the hesitation in him. He's about to open his mouth, offer another week or time. Offer to just bring some coffee here for the whole group. He felt awkward about it now. He seriously can't believe the last time he went out with friends was probably high school. Or it had all come to Lemar coming over. Lemar inviting him out. But John was always the more reserved one out of the three. Yet it was John who lead the group. But it was always them advising or supporting. But this is good.. He was really putting himself out there and trying to become comfortable with people. Other veterans was a good start.
His brows raise in surprise and he takes his phone, "Alright." He begins to swipe through the phone quickly. Adding himself as a contact then texting himself. He could feel the gentle vibration in his pocket. He turned the phone back over to him, leaving it on their text chat. "There I am." He says, staring at their hands a moment before pulling back. He's a little taller than Bucky... It's not exactly uncommon for John to be the tallest in a room.
"Maybe Wednesday... I'll text you." He gives him the approximate day so he could prepare - so they both could... A good day buffer between now and then. John starts to step away. "Have a nice night, I'll see ya then." He turns and leaves.
Sam looks over, waiting until he hears the door to the VA office shut. "Seems like a good guy, Buck." He calls. He grabs a box of the brownies and brings it over to Bucky, holding it out for him to take with him. "See ya next week." He says before stepping away. Though he somewhat suspected the guy might visit his office. Or maybe he was thinking hopeful about Bucky's confidence in him.
When Tuesday night came around, John picked up his phone and stared at his chat with Bucky. He tapped sentence after sentence, deleting it each time then starting over. Until he finally settled on; "Hey. Still up for tomorrow? I can pick you up and we can walk." He sends it off.