Work Text:
Drip.
Drip.
Drip…
Eren slowly opened his eyes…
A heavy, thick sheet of blackness hung over him - it was like the ceiling of a cave in which there was not a drop of light. You don’t know if the space is big or small, and it’s unclear whether the stone vault is three or three hundred meters away from you, and yet you can definitely tell that it’s there.
Concentrating his gaze, the young man noticed a glow to his left and turned his head. Silky sand smoothed his cheek, tangled grains of sand in his hair.
To the side, ten steps away, something was shining with a turquoise-green light. From his, Eren’s, point of view, it stretched into a thin line along the horizon, and exuded this soft azure haze…
Eren, almost unable to feel his body, slowly sat up and rose to his feet. The line dividing the blackness into top and bottom transformed and spread out like a sea, barely audible waves beating against the sandy shore and disappearing into the depths of a dark cave. No cave was big enough to contain the sea, and in his right mind the guy would have thought about it... But now everything seemed right.
Yeager took a few slow steps towards the glowing water. Sand fell from his long, shoulder-length hair and dark sweater, and grains of sand clogged his shoes. Eren didn't care. His gaze was riveted on the barely noticeable bright turquoise waves.
He knew that he had been here before, more than once. And yet each time was like the first. Unfamiliar and familiar at the same time, like a forgotten memory - the harder you reach for it, the further away it becomes, teasing with erased images, vanished thoughts. What is that splashing in time with the tide..?
Pain?
Fear?
It is hidden, calm, like the deep layers of water. It does not disturb for the time being, and it seems as if it does not exist at all... And yet to think so is the greatest mistake. What can you oppose to the ominous and oxygen-free depths, where there is no air, no light, no hope..?
Memory is clear as a white sheet, and yet something rattles at the edge of his consciousness - a pencil erased from the paper. And more than once...
Eren doesn’t know why, but something tightens his insides, and suddenly he’s cold. A breath of non-existent breeze from the water makes goosebumps run through his numb body.
Something is about to happen, and from this unconscious thought something falls inside...
“It” happened more than once.
Too many cycles...
And yet each time is like the first.
Eren thinks he wants to wake up…
“Eren..?”
A faint whisper, like another breath of a ghostly breeze. A familiar, no, beloved voice makes him breathe a sigh of relief. Eren comes out of his stupor and immediately looks around in search of the source of this voice. A joyful, uncontrollably joyful:
“Armin!”
Obeying his feelings, the guy steps into the sea, and then cold waves bite his ankles. The turquoise water is transparent, like the purest glass, and each streak looks like a work of art, in which pebbles, seaweed, shells, and a thin white hand twist and refract intricately…
Joy gives way to a surge of anxiety, and the smile instantly disappears from Eren's face - he sighs sharply and rushes to the figure under the water. The sea hinders him, foams, fetters his legs and makes his movements clumsy, slow. The guy almost falls several times, his clothes are soaked through from the salty spray. At some point, the long hair that had irritated him more than once when loose stopped blocking his view. The weight of his warm black sweater quietly disappeared from his shoulders.
Gaeger's attention is completely riveted to glimpse a figure under the waves a few meters away from him. School pants, a white shirt - nothing special, but for some reason such simplicity suited Armin. The clothes fluttered in the thick salt water, and the greenish-blue light beautifully outlined someone else's image...
It was different from reality, where...
“Armin!”
Eren shouts with burning anxiety, making his way to his friend.
“Armin, damn you, get out of the water!”
The few meters that seemed like hundreds of light years finally ended, and Yeager reached the other boy. Armin's eyes were closed, and he made no move to get out from under the waves. He seemed calm, almost serene, in the azure glow. The strands of his short hair swayed softly like silk in the wind, and his eyelashes did not flutter. Not a single air bubble, not a single rise or fall of his chest…
The water was only knee-deep, and Eren rushed down to grab Armin's hands and pull him out of the sea.
When his fingers touched the other boy's hands, the cold burned him for a moment. Eren clenched his teeth and squeezed his thin wrists, preparing to pull his friend up. What he did not expect was that Armin would suddenly grab his forearms and yank him towards himself.
Choking on air, the young man fell forward onto his knees, hanging over his childhood friend and resting his hands on his shoulders. The loud splash distorted Armin's face with thick ripples for a few seconds, but as soon as the waves died down, Eren met bright blue eyes. The water surface became mirror-like, without even a hint of waves, and Yeager could see his friend smile without distortion.
Icy goosebumps ran up the back of his neck, and Eren himself did not understand why he was overcome with such fear ...
"Armin ..."
he hesitated for a second, then came to his senses and again tried to break free from someone else's grip to tug his friend's wrists. Yeager was ready to exchange any smiles, laugh or quarrel about any reason, but only after Armin was above the damn surface of the water.
Eren still pulled his hand out and grabbed Armin by the wrist, but immediately recoiled. His eyes widened, and he looked at his friend with a mixture of confusion and horror.
Nothing changed in Armin's appearance, but Yeager could tell for sure that he was not grabbing the soft wrist of his best friend. He had known every line on the other man's palm for years, every curve and protrusion of the bones... But this... A wave of chilling horror ran down his spine from the realization of what he had just grabbed.
Yes, it was a hand. But without the damn skin, without the damn muscles.
Just bones and tendons, wrapped in something like seaweed.
Much closer to reality now, isn't it..?
Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
“Something wrong, Eren..?”
Armin smiled charmingly, and grabbed his withdrawn hand, still under the water. It was a gentle, but tremblingly disgusting touch - Yeager felt every phalanx of the other's fingers, every bone in the other's metatarsus, and it made him sick. Armin placed his palm on his chest, as if in a gesture of trust, love. This is how they never touched each other, but how Eren wanted to, so much so that his chest ached.
And yet he never had the courage...
Something evil, caustic and bitter began to seep into the subcortex of the brain with every second of this soft, trusting gesture, this disgusting touch to the skeleton half-rotted in the water. Something that Eren did not want to remember, but from which he could not escape...
Was this his punishment?
Remorse?
Was the burden imposed on him arbitrarily or not, which he would have to bear until the end of his days..?
Part of him prayed for it to stop, because he knew where this was going. Another part of him bowed his head in resignation.
He deserved it…
“You’ve been so distant lately, Eren…” Armin continued, smiling softly at his best friend’s mixture of numbness and horror. “No matter how hard I tried to reach out to you, you always pushed me away…”
The smile turned sad, and Armin pursed his lips. The grip on Eren’s wrist tightened for a second, and Eren winced in discomfort. He began to tremble. The drowned man lowered his eyes for a few seconds before raising them again and fixing him with an insistent, unfamiliar gaze. In the water, the blue irises did not reflect the light and seemed glassy, dead. But as soon as his lips parted again in a wide, fanged smile, his eyes lit up with something that had never belonged to Armin... A primal and mocking malice.
Eren shuddered and tried to break free, feeling his heart pounding.
This isn't Armin, this isn't Armin, this isn't Armin!
However, no one let him go.
Armin - or what was pretending to be him - grabbed his hand tighter, forcing him to keep his palm on his chest. As with the brush, Eren couldn't see, but he felt how the old, water-swollen flesh touched his skin, and how the swollen heart barely beat under his bare ribs.
Leaning forward slightly, the pretender tried to smile more kindly and said unctuously:
“What, you don't trust your best friend anymore, Eren?”
He stroked the knuckle of Eren's wrist with his thumb. Eren took a shuddering breath. Yeager wanted to try to break free again, but he seemed paralyzed. What was this? Despair? Denial or, on the contrary, acceptance? A piercing bitterness or an all-encompassing melancholy? Guilt..? Whatever it was, it burned him from the inside, distorting every second of his existence.
“Friends should stay together! In the end, I even followed you to Hell...”
The glow of the water imperceptibly changed from pure turquoise to a dirtier green, and the blue irises acquired a frightening swamp shade, absorbing any light.
Eren stared dumbfoundedly at the grinning pretender who had put on the guise of his best friend.
“From now on and forever, we will be together...”
“But... where?”
“What do you mean where? Of course, in Hell...”
A distant memory, scattered like stardust in the rotten past. Dream or reality?
It was something that Yeager could not reach, that he could not remember or forget, even when reality forced him to open his eyes again... It was buried so deep that it could no longer be removed, and yet it lay in the foundation of his soul. The first of hundreds of lives lived, or just a foggy feeling, like déjà vu?
Anything but a lie.
Eren knew that this Armin was not lying. Whatever those words meant, they were the absolute truth, spoken with all sincerity. Otherwise, they would not cause such pain, would not press on his shoulders and pierce his chest like a heavy, blunt spear, rubbing his ribs into dust.
“And how will you repay to me, your best friend?”
His grip tightened and began to cause noticeable pain, the pretender's features distorted in bitter resentment. There was no trace left of the smile. Eren hated it when Armin was upset, and yet all his life he did nothing but upset him.
“When we had a chance, you went and threw me back to Hell, Eren!”
Feeling tears welling up in his eyes, Eren sobbed and shook his head convulsively:
“No...”
Armin bared his teeth and pressed both of his hands to his throat, forcing him to feel every ring of his trachea, every torn muscle and vertebral bone dangling in the water.
“Yes!” the pretender raised his voice, and then leaned forward, emerging from the dirty green water. What had been hidden from view was now exposed, and Eren was looking at a swamped, partially gnawed by fish and birds, corpse of a drowned man, no... the corpse of Armin. With the release of air, the blue eyes did not become shiny as they should have been - blazing with caustic malice, they were still empty and dead without glare. The once pure and dearly loved by Eren blue became muddy swamp water. Baring his teeth and looking from under wet disheveled bangs, the drowned man switched to a scream,
“This is exactly what you did! With your own hands!”
Armin grabbed him by the collar of the school shirt he was wearing that day and hissed in his face:
“Because you remained a coward, unable to even look yourself in the eye and face the consequences! Like always, if you had just told me, everything could have been different! Every time, everything could have been different! You didn’t just not trust me, Eren, you killed me!”
Eren recoiled and screamed back desperately:
“No!”
---
The first thing he felt was the air burning his throat.
The sharp, uneven breaths in and out dried out his windpipe, and Eren realized he was clutching his Adam’s apple. Black spots danced before his eyes, and the outlines of the bedroom became clearer far from immediately.
No cave.
No dirty green sea.
No Armin…
Eren sobbed and pulled his knees up to his body, burying his nose in them. His long hair was plastered to his face and tangled in the folds of his sweatpants. Although he was usually annoyed, at times like these he was grateful that his thick locks at least hid him from the outside world.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip…
The sound of dripping water continued to press on his brain for several more endless minutes before Eren finally broke loose and jumped up, stomping his bare feet, to run to the kitchen and tighten the faucet with all his might. Reiner had once overdone it and ripped the valve to hell, and since then he often did not tighten it all the way. It irritated Eren beyond belief, but who was he to talk about control issues and complain about someone else's fear of messing something up... The water stopped dripping, and the boy slowly released the faucet. The strength he had acquired with the burst of irritation faded, and Eren sank to the floor, leaning his back against the headset. He pulled one knee to his chest, rested his forehead on it, as if it could ground him... It was not even five in the morning, the apartment was immersed in a blue twilight. The pre-dawn azure barely trembled outside the window. It had nothing in common with the one he saw in his dreams... It did not rest against any cave ceilings, and it did not have the suffocating shade of something spoiled, stale, like stagnant water... It breathed and brightened, blossoming like a delicate bud against the background of cosmic indigo. This light blue reminds him much more of Armin, and yet in his dreams he sees him in rotten turquoise.
Eren looks away from the window and closes his eyes, sobbing pitifully in the silence of the empty kitchen.
He has been seeing this nightmare for many years.
Nothing changes, and yet each time it hurts him as much as the first.
The guy hugs his knee tighter, curling into a trembling ball.
He even managed to ruin the image of Armin in his memories...
Hot, treacherous tears appeared on his eyelashes, and Eren began to sob convulsively, squeezing his pants leg with his fingers on his shin.
“You didn’t just not trust me, Eren, you killed me!”
“Forgive me...”
He sobbed, biting his lips.
“Forgive me, please, forgive me...”
“Eren..?”
A voice came from the doorway, and Yeager raised his head. Reiner stared at his roommate's tear-stained face in confusion before walking over and kneeling down next to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Eren tried to force himself to stop, biting his lip until it bled to stop his hysteria. And yet the warmth of his palms on his shoulders, the feeling of someone's presence nearby, destroyed the remains of the dam. The guy grabbed Reiner's strong wrist - warm, not like Armin's in his nightmare - and began to sob even harder, convulsively gasping for air and whining. Reiner was stunned, and yet he didn't dare reject someone else's touch. They had known each other for quite a long time, and yet in recent years, Eren rarely showed any vulnerability. He was rather unsociable and gloomy, showing a minimum of openness. And even though he still had friends, even though he was still capable of caring about someone, maybe even loving someone… Yeager had been different once upon a time. Reiner remembered that, vaguely. But over the years, any softness had worn off, peeled off like old, worn-out skin. Eren wasn't the type to cry on a friend's shoulder.
Now it seemed like there was a different person in front of Braun. Deeply vulnerable and wounded. A beast, bleeding and howling from painful wounds.
Reiner pursed his lips and, instead of asking the questions that were troubling him, he hesitantly hugged his neighbor, gently stroking his back and letting him rest his forehead on his collarbone. He didn’t know what was going on and didn’t want to whisper false promises. And so all he could do was let him spill it all into the offered shoulder.
About ten minutes passed before Eren went quiet. His grip on Reiner’s hand weakened, and then completely disappeared - his palm slid to the floor. Reiner hesitated for a moment before letting go of the stranger’s shoulders and gently moving away. He stood up from his place, ignoring his numb legs, and poured a glass of water from the tap. Again, he didn’t tighten the valve all the way.
Brown handed the glass of water to his neighbor, who took it with a nod, slowly draining it.
Drip.
Drip…
“For God's sake, close it all the way… Please.”
Eren croaked. Only after Reiner obediently tightened the valve all the way did he bring the glass to his lips and take a sip of the water.
Not salty…
After thinking about it, the guy took another sip. Then another, and another, until he finished it. After that, Eren handed the glass back, and Reiner placed it on the countertop before sitting down next to him.
A few minutes passed in pre-dawn silence before he asked cautiously:
“Was that… a nightmare?”
Eren thanked the damn curtain of his hair again for hiding his face. His eyes were still red and puffy, his lips were trembling, and… he wasn’t ready to share this with anyone any longer than he had to. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this at all, and yet he was grateful inside for Reiner’s help.
Should he respond with sincerity? Reveal what he himself didn’t want to admit? Would that help him accept his own grief and cope with it?
He and Reiner had known each other for a long time, and Reiner knew about a certain event that had completely changed the course of Eren’s life. However, no one had ever talked about it in detail. Certainly not Eren himself.
All he had done since then was run. As far as he could, and still not far enough to truly escape. It was a bitter irony. Eren was sure that Armin wouldn’t have run. It was his damn credo: “I haven’t lost until I run away,” no matter how much he ended up getting hurt. Yeager admired it as much as it annoyed him, because he would rather punch his opponent in the face. Fighting, no matter how strong the opponent was…
Armin would probably be disappointed.
Armin wouldn’t be a coward like him…
Eren blinked, remembering where he was. He glanced briefly at the waiting, sleepy Reiner, licked his lips briefly, and stood up awkwardly.
“Let’s go for a walk,” Yeager suggested, and Reiner, hesitating only for a second, didn’t argue. They grabbed their jackets and headed outside.
An early morning walk always had its own magic. A unique feeling of freshness and inspiring lightness, maybe loneliness. Freedom of thought, unobtrusiveness of feelings.
Trying to escape, of all places, Eren chose a city on the coast...
Maybe he was a real masochist.
Maybe he tried to get closer, although in the end he did not find the strength to approach less than a hundred meters.
His and Reiner's steps were slightly out of sync as they walked along the cobblestone embankment of Liberio. Eren thoughtfully looked to the side at the dark sea, examining the barely noticeable crests of the waves. At the very edge of the sky, the light cobalt began to turn pink, warning of the imminent dawn. A wonderful state of morning twilight...
Reiner shivered, wrapping himself in his jacket, but not a word of protest escaped his lips. He… really cared about his friend, and it was like a slowly growing, excited anticipation - to finally hear something that had been waiting for its moment for so long. Something important, something deep, intimate and precious in its horror or its beauty... Something that was nurtured by years of old pain and longing and spilled out on such cool spring mornings, summer nights and winter evenings... Reiner could not say "no" to this conversation that was about to happen.
He knew that refusing this attempt to pour out something intimate could make a person close up for a long time.
So Braun waited, warming his hands in his pockets and hiding his neck in the collar of his jacket.
At least fifteen minutes of silent walking passed before a quiet voice was finally heard:
“I think you remember Armin, yes? Maybe, at least a little...”
A flash of blond hair, a kind smile and the bluest eyes Reiner had ever seen came to mind. The voice had long since faded from his memory, as had any dialogue, but the boy remembered the pleasant feeling after talking to this boy. Brown couldn't say what happened to him after that, but he kept the warmth of comfort in his heart.
He nodded, reinforcing this with a short and soft:
“Yes, I remember.”
Reiner caught a faint ghost of tenderness in someone else's facial features. Eren continued, starting his story:
- So... I had a friend named Armin. The bravest and at the same time the kindest person I've ever known...
---
“Eren..?”
The boy looked up from the chain on his bike that had come off and raised his head. A familiar voice made a bright lump of joy stir in the teenager's chest even before he saw the owner of this voice.
Rising and leaning over the bicycle standing on the kickstand, Eren smiled at Armin, who was hesitantly looking into the garage. Armin, finally noticing Eren sticking his head out, went inside more confidently and smiled back.
"Sorry I'm late, the chain came off." Yeager apologized, returning to his original position. Armin nodded and came over, bending down to see what the problem was:
"It's okay, I understand. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Eren could have handled it alone, and yet...
"Yes. Put your hand on the pedal and hold it. Turn it when I tell you to."
Armin nodded, placing his palm on the pedal with rubber spikes. Meanwhile, the owner of the bike took the broken chain and found the bracket that had flown out of the joint. Having pushed the chain into the mechanism and connected the ends, he secured this bracket and already threw the links onto the teeth of the gears on the rear wheel.
“Spin.”
The boy ordered shortly, and Armin pressed the pedal, forcing the wheel to spin several times. The chain rattled before clicking into place with a loud metallic rattle at full rotation.
Eren smiled and, without looking, high-fived his best friend. He laughed, and they could finally go to the beach. Eren jumped on his trusty metal horse in the garage and with a teasing laugh overtook his companion.
Armin rolled his eyes and walked to his bike, standing on the side of the road. Smoothly throwing his leg over the saddle, he slowly headed after his wild, uncontrollable friend.
The sun bestowed copper-golden hot rays on the earth, making all living things languish from the heat, and Arlert was glad that he had cut his hair after all. As they rode down the hill, occasionally falling under the delicate shade of the trees, a dry, cool wind caressed the skin and cooled the sweaty nape of the neck, and Armin sometimes ran his hand over the unusually open place. Great. Nice.
Eren, whom the boy had almost caught up with, turned around, and a dazzling smile adorned his lips.
“Too loose for His Majesty?”
Armin pursed his lips and removed his hand from his neck, hoping that the cool wind would not allow his cheeks to blush.
“Leave me alone. I'm not used to it yet.”
“Don't worry, it really suits you.”
Eren opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something else, but he stopped. He turned away and ran his hand over his face, pushing his bangs off his forehead.
Yeager didn't see how Armin reacted, but through the whistling wind in his ears he heard a short and soft:
“Thank you, Eren...”
No amount of cold could have washed the color off his face at that moment.
When the boys reached Shiganshina Beach, Armin jumped off his bike almost in mid-air and headed straight for the rustling waves. He kicked off his sneakers and socks and without hesitation, he went into the water, spinning around and laughing. The sun played in his golden hair, and a wide dreamy smile adorned his lips.
And Eren watched, forgetting how to breathe.
Most of the visits to the beach were similar - Armin loved the sea too much and never hid it. He did this ritual almost always - even when it was too cold to get into the water. It would seem that Yeager should have gotten used to it by now... And yet, he was ready to watch every moment of this sincere happiness forever.
Eren adored these moments, the fireworks in his chest, butterflies in his stomach, sparks before his eyes. He interrupted the train of thought when something obvious and frightening began to float to the surface. Eren was not ready to think about it. No. Now he was just happy with his best friend.
A blush burned his cheeks, and the boy laughed in the same tone as his companion, running up and splashing salty water at him. Armin responded immediately, and the world around him ceased to exist: there were only the two of them and the clear, calm sea.
Perhaps it was predetermined from the very beginning.
An inevitability that came from somewhere in the very roots of their being... From the same place where the rotten stardust later came from.
From the very moment Eren met the dreaming boy - everything was over.
When they first met, Yeager could not formulate exactly what, how and why, but he knew for sure - something was changing. Filling in, like a puzzle. Getting sick and healing at the same time. Was it the world or was it him? A simple and senseless life turns out to be forgotten forever.
Eren sees someone else's dream and begins to dream too.
First about the sea, about wonderful places: volcanoes, tropical islands, arctic deserts and other wonders of the world.
“Imagine, Eren, what the view from each shore of the ocean could be like? How much is unknown, how much incredible stuff awaits us in the world? I want to see it all. Together with you…”
“Rivers of fire, icy land and fields of white sand…”
Armin’s words inspire him, come to life in his imagination and make him lose his breath with delight.
As it turned out later, almost any word of Armin’s had this effect on him. When they began to talk less about their now shared dream and focused more on living in the present, Eren still listened to his best friend with awe. Their passion for life did not fade for a moment, and the boys lived it like two bright lights.
Eren continued to think about the world.
And then, he realized that he wasn’t just thinking about the world. He was thinking about the world with Armin. With Armin and only Armin.
The teenager realized with a dose of fear and trepidation that simply seeing all these wonders was not enough for him, and, in general, not necessary. The goal of visiting them with his best friend - that was what became his dream.
And even later, a sharp, like a bucket of cold water, realization fell on him with even greater force - even so, this world was not needed. Attractive, but not necessary. His dream was simply Armin.
The boy with whom he spent almost ten years of his life side by side. Who until the age of fourteen stuttered when talking to anyone but him, who was teased for his girlish appearance, who breathed into him awareness and the meaning of life. Who, despite everything, always seemed and will seem to Eren the bravest man in the world, because no matter how strong the storm, Armin never retreated. Who… loved him, no matter how unbearable or difficult he was, ready to support and comfort him, to remind him of a beautiful and untouched dream, so that he would have the strength to stand up. To stand up and fight.
Eren loved Armin, the man in whom his own life shone and sparkled with all its colors.
He knew every flaw and every virtue of Armin and adored them all.
Eren adored this boy…
This realization was quite frightening.
At fourteen, when the world gradually ceases to be simple and understandable, as in childhood, the very concept of romance seems scary. The more Eren immersed himself in the awareness of his own feelings, the more it frightened him.
No, he was not afraid of strange butterflies in his stomach or a breath caught in the middle of a conversation, a pleasant pain in his chest from Armin's presence nearby. He was afraid that what he felt would somehow change their lives, their dynamics. That Armin didn't feel the same, and that this difference in how they felt would ruin their friendship. Just the thought of awkwardness spreading between them like a sticky, viscous mess was killing Eren.
He didn't want to lose his best friend.
No way.
And yet, emotions that were too strong weren't something you could keep locked away, bury inside. They scratched, they pushed, they made something in his chest swell and ache without release. Eren felt like the storm raging inside him was starting to really affect him - his decisions, his actions, his behavior.
It was so sweet and so bitter... The boy wanted nothing more than to let the mad butterflies take over his brain and scream at Armin about how much he loved him. To tell him that he was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life. Find out what it's like to kiss someone you're crazy about.
And, one day at the time, the teenager was growing scared to death. His insides were freezing at the thought of how close he was to being exposed. He was angry at himself for it. So angry that it hurt… Armin was always there to comfort him when Eren cried from the volume of everything he couldn’t let out. Without knowing what was causing these tears, Armin still stroked his friend’s head and whispered soft words about everything and nothing. Eren clung to his clothes and clenched his teeth, feeling how this embrace brought him the desired tenderness and self-loathing. He wanted to drown in the warmth of someone else’s arms. He wanted to strangle himself with his own. At some point, Eren realized that one more touch, one sparkling look, one worried word, and he would crack. It would fall apart, crumble into clumsy words and pass the point of no return.
Then Yeager did what teenagers usually do - stupidity. At that moment, it seemed like the only way out. Many years later - the only way out that should not have been the way out.
How could Eren push his best friend away..? How dare he choose the prospect of hurting with distance between them, rather than face the awkwardness and still be there?
Armin called out to him so many times... He was like a desperate animal in the night, howling at the moon and calling for his companion. It was the unshed tears that made his voice tremble, and the wounded love with which he reached out to him.
Eren distanced himself, wanting to normalize himself. To build a shield. A wall. Anything to keep himself balanced. It would be better for both of them, they just needed to be patient, and everything would return to normal.
He wanted everything to be like before.
Please, let everything be like before…
Weeks passed, and it was not like before. And Eren was angry.
He was ready to growl at everyone and everything: at his parents, at his friends, at his teachers, even at Armin and, most importantly, at himself. Eren was angry at himself for letting down their friendship.
This could have become a normal, emotional teenage story about how best friends became a couple, who went through fire and water and eventually lived the happiest of all lives… An instructive story about the importance of not being afraid of your feelings and trusting your loved ones.
Armin would never have pushed Eren away, even if he did not feel the same. Now Eren understands it.
Because he would never do that himself…
Years later, Yeager would look in the mirror and be angry at himself again, but deeper, more bitterly, more desperately. Because then his anger would no longer matter - it would not fix anything or magically send a message to his younger self.
All he had to do was trust.
Armin asked him to…
“Eren!”
Heavy, low clouds were gathering on the water, and the wind was rocking the waves. In all fairness, they should have left the pier, but their emotions were stronger than the sea. Armin stood between him and the exit from the pier, screaming on the verge of tears to be louder than the water:
“I don’t understand why you distanced yourself! Explain to me, Eren, please! Did I do something wrong?! Talk to me!”
To be honest, Eren doesn't remember much about what led them to that moment or what happened next. Everything merged into one lump of screams: desperate, bitter, angry and offended. It was impossible to tell which of them belonged to whom. It was a long and painful argument, because Eren felt a convulsive need to defend himself and his feelings against all odds, and Armin never backed down. To be honest meant to reveal yourself. Yeager was not ready for this.
By the time their argument came to an end, storm waves rose on the sea, and salt water spray soaked the teenagers' school uniforms. The wood of the pier, darkened by time and salt, was wet and slippery.
In the end, despite the roar of the water, Armin let out a last half-strangled:
“Do you really not trust me anymore, Eren..? I am not your best friend anymore..?”
It was like a punch to the gut. The words were quiet, and yet they reached him. Eren felt a conflicting, bright flash of rage, guilt, resentment, and love. He wanted to scream, “No, you’re more than a fucking friend! That’s why this is happening!” He had to scream…
If he had said it…
If.
If…
There were a hundred different paths they could have taken in that moment, if Eren had said something. Something definite. Something to push off from in one direction or another… They could have swallowed the lie and remained friends. They could have had a huge fight and become the best of enemies, or not spoken at all, hurt for the rest of their lives. They could have made up and been reborn as a loving couple, with many more trials, sorrows, and joys ahead of them…
They could have…
Instead, it felt like sand had been poured into Eren’s mouth, and he couldn’t say a single word. He was torn in different directions, like a flag in a ten-point wind, and in the end the teenager said nothing, leaving his broken best friend and the love of his life in unanswered bitterness.
Eren did not give an answer.
And he never will...
This phrase will hang between the last one, and its echoes would haunt him in his nightmares hundreds and hundreds of times…
Eren pushed past Armin and left the pier, betraying everything he knew about himself and the two of them. Scared. Cowardly. Running away…
And at that moment, all the roads they could have taken closed. Evaporated under the onslaught of air and liquid salt, scattered like grains of sand in the wind…
Not a single call or sound was heard after them. If Armin had cried, his sobs were swallowed up by the stormy sea…
Eren and Reiner sat on the pier, the water lapping rhythmically a few meters from their feet. Yeager could feel its salty breath.
“They found him two days later on the coast... I was nearby when I heard a frightened scream...”
Eren was silent for a few minutes, and Reiner saw how he swallowed the tears that were flowing uncontrollably.
Eren thought that Armin was angry with him after their fight and that's why he avoided him. And yet, skipping school was too much. The worm of worry began to squirm in his insides already in the middle of the school day, when Arlert still didn't show up for class.
The day, as luck would have it, was sunny and serene...
Yeager walked along the beach in search of his best friend, to apologize and, crookedly, but somehow explain, but he never found him. He assumed that he was sitting at home...
Armin's grandfather refuted this assumption.
A caustic excitement began to rise like a wave, and a premonition of an inexorable change scorched the back of his neck with its breath. Eren wasn't ready to turn around to see what this change was. And yet, his chest felt heavy as he and their friends continued to rummage around the pier, searching their hiding places, hoping to find Armin. Armin's grandfather had filed a police report.
The next day, when he came to the beach again in a thoughtful numbness, he heard a woman scream. Jean was next to him at that moment, and they exchanged glances and ran toward the sound. The seagulls were circling more intently than usual, a small swirling cloud.
The closer the boys got to the scared, pale woman at the edge of the pier, the colder his insides became. Eren didn't know why. Why his legs felt heavy, his stomach twisted into a tight, painful spiral, and his head began to buzz... Something insistently begged him to give up on this idea and tell Jean: "To hell with it, let's get out of here."
And yet they approached.
Jean approached first and instantly froze, turning pale. He didn't think for a second before pushing Eren away and trying to keep him away from the edge. Yeager got angry and started pushing back, trying to get past.
“What's wrong, stop pushing me-”
He broke off mid-sentence, his mouth open, when he finally squeezed past his friend and his gaze fell on the rocks below.
One heartbeat.
Two.
Three...
Jean tried to push Eren away again, and his voice took on hysterical, panicked tones. Whatever they said, he was a good friend, and no matter how much they argued, he was worried... Despite his attempts, Yeager seemed to be rooted to the spot.
His eyes were glued to the flash of golden hair on the rocks, surrounded by seabirds.
The woman who had screamed earlier was speaking into the phone in a trembling voice, the people around him, who had also come to hear someone else's scream, were excitedly gasping and whispering something, Jean was trying to convince Eren of something, pulling at his hands with his cold fingers... Eren didn't hear any of it. Everything had disappeared, erased, while the empty green irises looked into the same blue ones. Armin was looking at him from the rocky shore in an unnatural, stiff pose, with blue skin and torn pieces of flesh. An eternity passed in numb deafness before Eren finally took a convulsive breath and croaked out his beloved name.
...Armin didn't answer, and the world around him ceased to exist: there were only the two of them and the clear, calm sea.
“The body was washed up on the rocky part of the shore by the waves, and it got stuck there during the low tide. When I saw it, I was frozen with horror, because I didn’t want to admit that it was… Armin. The birds… the water… the fish… all of it had an effect, you know? He… It wasn’t Armin anymore. I… he…”
His voice broke into a painful wheeze, and Eren bit his lip until it bled. Reiner couldn’t stand it any longer and grabbed him tightly by the shoulders. Yeager tiredly buried his temple in the other’s shoulder. -
“Everything that could have been between us… Any paths, any opportunities, no matter if as friends, enemies or lovers… It was all cut off. There was nothing more, because I screwed up. I’ll never know what he would have answered me. I will never know the bitterness of rejection or the joy of acceptance, I will never even be able to apologize for my cowardice and stupidity, never, because I killed him, the only person I loved more than my own damn life… If only I hadn’t abandoned him on that pier…”
Eren hunched over, clutching his shirt to his chest, and Reiner ran his hand over his shoulder in a comforting gesture.
“It’s been more than ten years, and I want to apologize to him so much, Reiner… He died because of me, alone, in the cold, and he must have been very scared…” Eren stuttered, gasping for breath, and Reiner hugged him tighter. He gave him a few minutes of silence, letting him spill out silently. all the accumulated sobs and choosing the words. What to say to a person who blamed himself for the death of a loved one for years and finally broke down, crumbled, showing unprecedented weakness and vulnerability..?
Braun chewed his lip uncertainly before starting. Carefully, but relentlessly, without pity, unnecessary now: squeeze out the pus, clean the wound.
“I can neither judge nor justify you, Eren ... I may not remember Armin very well, but ... I clearly remember that I considered him a very good person. Although he did not like this expression ... Even though we were little acquainted, I remember that with him I felt heard, understood and accepted.”
Reiner stroked the stranger's back in a circular motion, looking at the surface of the water and only with the corner of his eye catching Eren's chestnut hair.
“If he made you feel like a stranger like that, then I can imagine how much love he put into his best friend - into you, Eren. It's bitter and painful that you won't know if he felt the same way about you, but I think he loved you anyway. Even... Even if you had a fight... And even if it hurts you to hear it, you have to understand that it must have hurt him too, right before the end, not because you had a fight, but because you hadn't had time to make up. That's probably what he would have wanted.”
Eren pulled back slightly to look at Reiner. His gaze was frozen in an unreadable expression, and large salty drops of salt began to roll down his face with renewed vigor. Not a single word was heard in response, but Braun understood that Eren was catching his every word now, and that they touched something deep and damn sensitive in his soul. To rot in your own skin for many years - Reiner knew what that was like. How toxic it was, how depressing it was... To make many mistakes and not find the strength to forgive yourself for them, even when those around you did the same. To stumble more than once and despair of finding the road again. To lose the only thing that always helps a person, even when he has no one else - himself, the understanding of who you are... And yet there were people who helped change the course to the light, and Reiner could safely say that there is no feeling more beautiful than the feeling of healing. Inhalation after exhalation, dawn after night... There are scars that will never heal, but you can only accept them. If Eren could not let Armin go even after so many years, then it is unlikely that he will ever be able to - it is like trying to grow the missing half. However, one could try to give something that keeps afloat when nothing else remains - a goal. Sometimes, your whole life is built around it…
First, the skeleton, and then the flesh slow spreading out.
Maybe Eren will never be truly happy. He will never forgive himself and never find a person who can replace Armin… And yet, he could allow himself to live. For something…
Because Reiner knew that Eren Yeager was a fighter. A soldier. Maybe, in his past life, he gave everything for the sake of fighting…
Maybe, in this one, he should do the same.
Give everything to get at least something in return.
Braun, without turning his head and still looking at the blue expanse, said:
“You used to say it so often that even I remembered: “fight, fight.” So fight, your mother. If I were Armin, I would want you to stop burying yourself and dedicate your life to your shared dream. I… believe that after death, you are reunited with those you love.”
At these words, Eren shuddered for some reason, but Reiner was determined to get his point across. He turned to his interlocutor and gently but persistently looked into his wide-open eyes.
“So, be kind enough to live your life in such a way that you will not be ashamed to look Armin in the eyes later.
Gently patting Yeager on the shoulder, the blond smiled weakly. Sure, the smile was crooked, maybe a little strange due to all the emotions that raged inside Reiner himself, and yet… It was sincere.
“Fight, Eren.”
A phrase that no one had probably ever said to Eren himself…
A few seconds of awkward silence. Braun waited uncertainly for the result: did he screw up? Couldn't find the right words? Had he pressed too hard or, on the contrary, not pressed hard enough to sober him up?
Eren's lips were pressed tightly together, his empty and tear-stained gaze shifted slightly to the left of Reiner's shoulder, somewhere on the horizon, where the waves were swaying like small crests. A strange bluish shine played in them, and the sun, beginning to peek out, shone... The calm blue surface that Armin admired so much, and the free, screaming seagulls that Eren envied. The calm that could turn into a storm... Who, if not Armin, the adorer, would know how dangerous it was. And yet he loved the ocean with every fiber of his being.
Did he regret it in his last minutes only because the sea eventually destroyed him..?
No one would ever know.
Eren would have given anything to talk to Armin just one more time… He didn’t mention it in his story, but Yeager had been afraid of the sea ever since that day. To some extent. It was like something pulling in different directions: simultaneously instilling a horror of salt water for what it was oh she took his best friend, and the surreal hope that she was his only connection to him. That Armin was out there somewhere, among the flashes of sunlight on the crests of the waves, sliding through the thickness of the ocean of fish and reefs... Where he always dreamed of being.
Eren stupidly wanted to believe that if he came to the shore, dipped his feet in the water and breathed in the fresh air, he would somehow become closer to Armin, even if Armin was angry with him. At the same time, he was afraid that if he did this, the illusion of this possibility would fall apart, and in fact there would be no feeling of connection with Armin, and... then he would understand that he really was gone. That Armin was gone from his life, and even the memory of him would gradually leave him. No symbols. No self-deception. No hope... Eren would not have the strength to cope with this.
And so he was pulled from side to side, from the horror of the ocean to the passionate and desperate desire to surrender to it. Until now, fear had won. In more than ten years, the guy had been to the sea no more than twice…
But here he was.
Was there a chance that Armin was really waiting for him..? After everything…
Eren really wanted to believe that at the end of the road, his most beloved blue eyes, full of dreams, and the warmest embrace would be waiting for him… That Armin had forgiven him, and the rustle of the waves was a soothing whisper of consolation.
Swallowing the remaining tears, Yeager finally closes his eyes and leans tiredly against Reiner's shoulder again. His breath catches and his throat tightens from the lump that has formed across his body, and yet Eren whispers hoarsely:
“Thank you…”
Reiner silently runs his hand down his back and looks at the azure sea that has become lighter during their conversation.
The sun has risen above the horizon, playing with glare on the water.
—
Drip.
Drip.
Drip…
Eren slowly opened his eyes…
A heavy, thick sheet of blackness hung over him - it was like the ceiling of a cave in which there was not a drop of light. You don’t know if it’s big or small, and it’s unclear whether the stone arch is three or three hundred meters away from you, and yet you can tell for sure that it’s there.
Already knowing what he will see, the guy turns to the thin strip of turquoise glowing sea. For just a second, he allowed himself to close his eyes tightly in humble calm, and then slowly rose from the sand. A deep breath that the boy barely felt, and leisurely steps along the ridges of the beach. Closer and closer to the water's edge...
Eren stepped into the water without hesitation, not worrying about his shoes and pants getting wet. The salty freshness blew on his face, and he closed his eyes in pleasure. After so many years of avoiding this simple pleasure, finally remembering it felt... good.
Almost like when he was a child...
“Eren...”
The boy raised his eyelids and looked unmistakably at where a familiar figure was visible in the water. This time, he did not run headlong.
Armin is dead. And this is a reality that you cannot change by trying to save him in his sleep...
As Eren walked through the clear turquoise water, his long hair swayed slightly in the breeze. His appearance remained unchanged, and his “I” did not take the form of a schoolboy who lost everything on that fateful day… He changed. He lived his years without Armin and grew up, became a different person. It is useless to deny it and continue to hope for the endless “ifs” that could have happened then… What he is now is a result that cannot be denied or canceled.
Eren stopped a step away from Armin, looking at him through the weak waves. As handsome as always… His eyes slightly lit up, and the guy closed them with bitter sadness to hold back his tears. The next moment, when he opened them, Armin was looking back at him.
The pretender was in no hurry to call him again. Squinting. Assessing. As if he knew that this time the usual scenario would not work, and the person in front of him was not the one who came here before. That something had changed…
“You’re different…” Not-Armin muttered thoughtfully from beneath the waves, his voice ringing out everywhere and nowhere at once. “Why are you here if you’re no longer trying to justify yourself in your own eyes?”
“I wanted to see you…” Eren whispered and knelt down, slowly, carefully, so as not to press on the man’s legs underwater. Not-Armin raised his eyebrows in surprise, and curiosity, mixed with bewilderment, flashed in his glassy blue eyes.
“See me?” his lips spread into an evil, fanged grin. “Come on, Eren. You know what you’ll see as soon as I emerge from the water. Traitor.”
If something had skipped a beat in response to these words, Eren successfully suppressed it. He knew what the Pretender was trying to do. He tried to return to the usual order - to the nightmare in which his subconscious successfully distorted and denigrated Armin's last words, forcing Eren to burn himself with guilt.
The fact that he realized this made him almost feel like an adult arguing with a child. He almost felt sorry for the Pretender.
"Yes, I know what I'll see..." Eren leaned down, pressing his hand into the seabed near the other's head and stroking the other's cheek underwater with his other palm. Not-Armin's eyes widened, losing all his embittered joy. He fell into the sea, running in small ripples.
“And yet this is the only place where I can meet you.”
The sea. Always the sea…
In his memory, among the images of countless beaches, scarlet flashes flashed - a place that Eren did not forget, but also did not remember. Time there stretched out for hundreds of years and compressed into a split second at the same time… He wished that it were like that here too. For many years, this nightmare was a way to punish himself, and yet… in it, the image of Armin was bright, and his heart ached with joyful longing from the fact that Yeager could see his face again.
An opportunity that was lost, and yet so desired… Eren bit his lip and smiled through his tears, looking with all the tenderness that he had never conveyed before. He barely audibly whispered:
“Forgive me.”
Eren would never know what Armin thought in the end before he died. He would never apologize or talk to him, or understand what he felt in those last moments. Did Armin know deep down how much Yeager loved him... and did he finally find peace in the cold azure waves.
Eren wanted to believe that Armin was free.
One jerk down, and his chestnut hair fluttered in silken patterns in the water.
Submerged in the turquoise water, Eren softly pressed his lips to Armin's, gently running his hand over the elastic skin. His eyes burned - from tears or the sea, it was hard to tell - and his chest gradually began to ache without air, and yet his heart was overflowing with a bittersweet feeling of release.
Eren would never know what it would be like to do this in reality. He would never feel this joy or sadness, and their story would never continue. He cut her off. With his own hands. And yet, at least in his dreams… Eren wanted to be there. To do what he couldn’t. And even if only for a split second, at the mercy of his subconscious, his own images and illusions, to give himself a share of what they could have had.
Eren wanted his nights to be calm and happy next to his childhood best friend and the love of his life…
Soft hands cupped his face in response, and Yeager opened his eyes. He didn’t feel the disgust of bare and water-swollen flesh, bones covered in a slimy film. These were hands that he had known for more than a decade… every line, every fold…
Armin looked at him the same way he had in childhood - with warmth and trepidation. And his eyes shone in the silver light of the stars breaking through the water. They sat up, emerging from the water, and Eren found that the ceiling that had been hanging there had disappeared, revealing a glittering starry sky. He laughed sadly and with relief, wiped away his tears and hugged Armin, burying his nose in the crook of his neck.
"I miss you..." Eren whispered, feeling the shackles fall painfully. He would live. Without Armin, and yet for him. As a punishment or, on the contrary, a blessing, but... He would live... Like he once made others live. "Wait for me, okay?"
The boy could feel Armin's smile on his skin. He nodded and hugged the other's back.
"As you waited for me... I will wait for you.”
Eren exhaled and, smiling tremblingly, drowning in a sadly happy peace, with all the love that had rotted through the years, said with just his lips:
“I love you…”
Here, in dreams, he would be next to Armin, even if his life continued without him.
And here, too… he would like to be free.
Maybe they would live a life in which they would stop chasing each other, losing each other in order to find each other the next time, casting the lot of misfortune and stepping on the same rake… Maybe, at least once, with their difficulties and joys, but they would be able to happily live life side by side until the end of their days. Someday, when the universe rots ten times and blooms again ten times, and star dust explodes again as supernovas in the night sky…
With a prayer for this, every shed tear will freeze in eternity.
Armin laughed weakly, and the world around him ceased to exist: there were only the two of them and the clear, calm sea.