Chapter Text
Some days are harder than others. Especially when one has spent the entire night before staring at the cealing with bloodshot eyes, mind restlessly replaying every little interaction and word said, trying to find secret meanings, hidden intentions with no result.
"Dude I'm seeing you more than my girl lately. Don't know where that leaves us".
Now, why would First, his supposed best friend, say that out of literally nowhere? What does that even mean? Because, lately, they had countless events together, they were constatly juggling between sponsorship promotions, meetings at the agency, sometimes they even came over to sleep at one of the two's house that was closer to the event location the next day, so they could both save time and get out early in the morning avoiding getting stuck in traffic. And First even went to the gym regularly.
They were always together for work and maybe First wanted some time apart to meet his girlfriend. That was reasonable, unfortunately.
But then there were the rest days in between jobs. If First really wanted some time alone with his girlfriend, why would he text Khaotung on their free day asking to hang out to play videogames or try a new diner. Once he even called to ask if he could visit the cats, claiming that he missed them too much.
Khaotung had no idea. His thoughts were constantly swinging between the possibility that First was fed up with him, and that at this point he saw him merely as a coworker he had to see everyday; or feeding into his unhinged delusions that they were soulmates that couldn't be separated, meant to be, that Khaotung was his real love and that girl counted nothing, her presence a minor detail. One day First would realize how his best friend could give him anything he could ever want, how perfect he'd be for him, and finally get rid of her.
Why the hell would he say that? He had no idea, he could rack his brain all he wanted but he wasn't in that fucker's mind.
So, for now, all he could do was snap out of his trance and pay attention to his manager instructions for the day.
"Hey, are you ok? You seem a little out of it."
"Yeah, I'm good. Just a little tired, haven't slept much." he rubbed his eye.
The manager nodded apprehensively. "Yeah, i've been running up and down the stairs since this morning. We're all gonna have a well deserved rest after the concert. Grit your teeth and push through a little more."
People were swarming everywhere in the hall, making it hard for him to find his acting partner. After bumping against several sound techs and dancers he finally spot him. He was laughing with another actor. He was a new face in the agency, Khaotung didn't really know him that well, just that he was older. He stopped in his tracks for a second before approaching them, thinking about how he'd greet them, he was still a little self conscious and feared appearing awkward during social interactions. People weren't really his thing, but unfortunately he also chose a line of job where socializing was not optional, he just had to suck it up.
"Hi P'," he bowed to the other person first "First, P'Som said we're next for soundcheck."
"Oh ok. P'Great, this is Khaotung, my co-actor." Co-actor. It felt like a gut punch. Khaotung bowed again "Nice to meet you". The other probably said the same thing, but he didn't really register it. His head hurt. Too much movement, too much noise everywhere.
"See you around, 't was nice talking to you". Giggles, hands waving, that stupid all teeth smile First had planted on his face. God, he hated this so much.
There were days where Khaotung hated First with all his heart. Hated his obnoxious otherworldly good looks. Hated how easy it is for him to make everybody love him. Despised how he's always polite, kind, caring to everyone when all Khaotung ever craved for was his undivided attention. If only he could have been the centre of his universe. He should have only looked at him, been kind and affectionate to him. Instead, he was so friendly and accomodating, that he was the whole agency lil brother, everyone wanted to have a piece of his man. It wasn't fair. Khaotung got up and got all ready and pretty for him every morning, if he even noticed. His every literal thought was about him. He lived and breathed him. Why wasn't Khaotung enough?
Years before he was nonchalant. He knew how to act around his friend, knew how to dwell between closeness and a little vital space. The majority of people assumed they were just good friends. Very few friends from acting class joked that they were cute lovers. Khaotung always dismissed them with some playful comebacks, such as "is that a threat?", and inside always prayed it was a promise.
When they landed their first serie as a pair, Khaotung was ecstatic. He couldn't believe it and thought it was a hallucination for a good while. Then he realized that he had to give everything he could, his whole soul in his acting so their pair would be official, definitive.
They both had already acted in BL projects. Khaotung's ex partner was five years older and the show didn't really take off, while First had a different story: he acted in a serie that eas quickly recognized as a milestone in the BL showbiz and his partner was almost his age. They had potential, the chemistry was there. They were close.
Sometimes when Khaotung was in one of his doom scrolling stalking session, the picture of First on his old co-actor's back still made his chest ache, and haunted him in his sleep through the whole day after. That's how sick he was.
He dreaded the possibility of not doing a good job with their serie. People could think they weren't the right fit and they would have to turn to other acting partners. Luckily their show was well liked, it sailed them and gave them two other lead roles.
But back then Khaotung could take it. It was fine, they didn't touch as often and deliberatedly as now, the kisses required weren't as groundbreaking and soul shattering as they had to portray them now, they didn't need to be as physical. And also, years passed. Khaotung was a pressure cooker ready to explode and occasionally rivulets of water would slid down.
The first time it happened was with Mix, a friend he grew accustomed to since one of his initials acting jobs. That day Khaotung caught himself doing something he's never done before: talking badly about First with someone else.
"I think it's an illness at this point. He needs everyone fawning after him or he panics. I've never seen him talking back to anyone, never angry even if people gave him shit. Like, wake up! You can't have everyone pleased and happy. And beacause he's constantly giving favours and solving problems people are always sucking up to him."
Mix made a face like he was a little taken aback. "Yeah, I mean he can be a little a people pleaser sometimes".
"Exactly!" replied Khaotung, arms crossed on his chest. Mix continued "but if it isn't harming you nor him too much why do you care?"
"I just told you! People take advantage of him. I just don't get why he needs to have everybody? Why having just me - and you and, i mean, his friends- isn't already enough?"
They were silent for a minute. Mix was probably trying to make sense of that tangled mess of words. He finally spoke: "what- Khao are you jealous?"
"The hell. Of course not." he almost choked " why would I be? We're just different. He hates being alone while I thrive in solitude. He has lots of friends while I feel drained in big crowds. But you know, balance is key". Nice save, or so he thought.
"Sure. I actually didn't mean it that way but whatever." Suddenly a phone rang. It was Khaotung's. "See" he showed the caller to Mix. "he's probably alone and no one's available".
"Hi Fir!" Mix furrowed his brows and whispered "Whatcha doing this all soft voice for?" Khaotung shut him up. Mix sighed and decided that he better get some snacks ready.
"Hi, whatchu up to?" Firsts voice was a little dragged, maybe he was lying on his bed.
"Nothing much, you?
"Same. Wanna play league of legends?"
"Can't. 'm not at home." Mix came back from the kitchen with a bowl full of chips, his slippers dragging across the floor made a litte noise.
"Who are you with?" The question came instantly through the phone.
"Mix. Wanna say hi?" Khaotung was ready to pass the phone but First spoke again. "what are you doing with him?"
"Nothing much, just hanging out" suddenly there was silence on the line. Mix shot him a perplexed glance.
"Tell Mix I'm coming over. We can all play video games." First hung up without waiting for an answer.
"See. That just proves my point. He has the worst FOMO I swear." Khaotung said with a slight shake of his head.
"I think that just proves that you guys are weird". And clueless, Mix would have liked to add.
After that episode, others followed more frequently. During interviews, they grew bolder. They had several events in Europe and America, fanmeets, concerts. They were hard launching. Making fans buy into the fantasy, making them believe it was all real, it was how the whole industry thrived. More skinship, ambiguous speeches, sweet words, and nicknames only couples use.
And in the meantime, Khaotung was losing a piece of his soul, he was trying so hard not to fall for that lie too.
Mix was one of the first to witness his torment. Then Neo became part of the secret too, though Khao hated the idea of someone else knowing. It was another crack in an already ill balanced castle of sand.
Neo has been by his side since his first ever serie. Khao knew him as one of the very few people who wasn't sucking up to First, and that was what made him safe. Neo said he could see through First's bullshit, sometimes that open hostility stung a little, Khaoung would never think or say that, First isn't fake, he's genuine, he loves people, he's the kindest person ever, he's an angel, but the ones around him aren't, Khaotung included. No, especially Khaotung: he's greedy and wants First all to himself, he cannot make peace with the idea of sharing him. He knew his love was all cosuming and feared the moment his friend would see his true colours, realize how dangerous he really was and leave him.
“Dear friend, you have to move on." Neo said one day, with his hand on Khao's shoulder. "Having your best interest in mind, I think you need to forget it all about it. If you go for it and it goes wrong your job's on the line. You can't keep suffering, it's been too long. If you want to survive you need to build a space only for yourself where he’s not constantly present.”
But how could Khaotung even think of saying goodbye and letting go when First was singing and staring at him with starry eyes, shimmering with barely held back tears. Khaotung wanted nothing more than to run to him and bury himself deep in his arms. So as he found a little courage, he did, he went. And it was the most beautiful feeling in the world.
First held him tight, nothing else mattered anymore.
There’s only First. First with his arm wrapped firmly around his waist.
How could he even wish for it when they're so close they look like they're about to kiss. First's fingers splayed on his neck, grip so firm he couldn't even move his head. Suddenly all that ran through his mind was desperation. Choke me. Strangle me. I can take it. I can die by your hands. I can take everything you have to give, even your roughness, all of your darkest nuances.
But then the show ended.
Just as they had come close enough to breathe the same air, they drifted apart again and they’re back to being just colleagues or friends, always tethering between something more or nothing at all.
Neo was right. Khaotung could find all the solace he wanted in his delusions and stupid hopefulness. But it's been over five years and he was still pining. First still called him best friend, God he's even got a girlfriend.
There was no spark between them, nothing revolutionary happened over the years that alterated their story, and maybe there never will be. He’s been stuck on the same carousel for too long, going up and down between moments when First smiled at him, payed for dinner, planned their dates and took pictures of him when they're out, buyed expensive gifts like a boyfriend would; and then, the harsh reality: he had a girlfriend, and that was not a minor detail.
|...|
The concert was a blast. Fans screaming, never ending applause, bone crushing hugs with the other actors, and a few tears running with overwhelming emotions. It wasn't easy shaking off the electric jolts, calming down their heartbeats after that adrenaline rush. In the dressing room, as they took off their costumes, chaos was everywhere, people coming and going, offering congratulations, to which First and Khaotung responded with small smiles and tired brief nods.
“We got through it,” First said softly as he carefully removed his costume, trying not to damage the rhinestone studded fabric.
Khaotung stood a few steps ahead, his back turned. “Yeah, we pulled it off pretty well.” That’s was his strategy: he couldn’t risk looking at his best friend naked, not even by accident, because he knew too well that once his eyes landed on him, it'd be hard to look away. He should have been used to it by now; they’ve been changing in front of each other for years at events or during shoots, but Khaotung wasn’t. Not one bit.
Pretending to be busy and focusing on changing clothes, that was his survival strategy, that's how he didn't risk displaying an embarassing boner in front of his buddy.
Mix and Earth were waiting for them outside to get dinner. On the way out they waved goodbye to their exhausted manager, who simply replied “Catch you later lovebirds, after I’ve recovered from a 72 hour sleep debt”. First snikered while he kept walking practically glued to Khao's side.
When they spotted their friends, Mix was squeezing Earth’s cheecks and whispering sweet nothings. They looked so homey and in love that both him ad First rolled their eyes and turned their faces towards eachother, endeared.
Khaotung was dreaming with eyes wide open: he imagined them right there instead of Earth and Mix, doing the exact same thing, impossibly close.
But, while they were close, shoulders and arms touching, First looking down at him with sparkly eyes, there's a wall between them, and with a shiver, Khaotung was suddenly reminded: “Hey you sure you want to come with us? If you want to go see your girlfriend, it’s totally fine."
First freezed. His jaw hardened. He turned to look back at Earth and Mix, that in the meantime saw them and were heading towards their direction. His big sparkly eyes were no longer on him and Khao was already mourning the loss.
First said nothing, and for some reason, Khaotung felt the need to fill that silence. "I mean, we’ve spent all these past few weeks together, and I guess you haven’t had much time to see her. So don’t feel like you have to-"
"You’re right.” He interrupted “See you at the next event." First gave a quick wave to the other two and headed to his car.
Earth and Mix looked confused. "I’ll tell you later. Let’s go, I’m starving." Khao intervened.
---
“You know, we're all busy. If he wants to see his chick he can make time. Just because people do this kind of work doesn’t mean they’re doomed to celibacy. "
"You guys don’t get it. You’re lucky. You work together."
Mix interjected "Well yeah, that’s how we met. But you can always make time, it is really that easy."
To that, Khaotung had no answer, because after work, they usually hung out at his place, they played with Khaotung’s cats, they watched movies together, they slept over. If First made time it was with Khaotung and not his girlfriend, but he didn't know what to do with that dangerous realisation.
“And it's also weird that he never talks about her. We know he's taken just because he randomly mentioned it once”. That was true, First never really talked about his relationship, not even with Khaotung, and if he asked questions First was always evasive about it. But if Mix was wondering if the girl does exist, unfortunately she does ‘cause Khao has seen her, and sadly, she's damn beautiful.
“He doesn't even follow her on instagram, how's that normal?” Earth wondered.
“He's just cautious. If people found out, our brand would sink.” But he wasn't stupid, he knew things like burner accounts existed. He didn't even know if First had one he's not aware of.
Khaotung sensed he was going again in a loop of guessing and wondering whys. He couldn't do this tonight too, so he just shoved a pork rib inside his mouth. His best friend relationship, if he managed to find the time to bone shouldn't be his concern, if only he wasn't totally hung up on it. The less time First spent with her, the more he had for Khaotung. So he just really dug up his own grave, if he had just shut the fuck up they'd be sitting together at the table, knees touching as they always do, First’s hand resting on Khao's leg as he usually did. Instead he was alone, bitterly chewing the meat on his plate, sitting in front of a couple of practically husbands of fifty years. Teetering between pure selfishness and wanting to prioritize First needs.
However, what Khaotung didn’t know was that First didn’t drive up to his girlfriend’s place. He was alone in his car, parked under his own condo, the streetlights flickering, the street empty. His forehead resting on the steering wheel, wondering when and how things got this complicated. What was he even thinking when he started it all? Now he was stuck in a hell of his own making, no clue what to do, if he should just let it all crash and burn ‘cause maybe that’s the only way to find out or keep trying to delude himself into being able to forget, to make something happen that probably never could.
They didn't wait until the sponsorhip event the week later to see each other. They were together the next evening, Khaotung caved in and called. After all, when one's addicted, it’s not like it can just quit cold turkey. There was a movie playing on the television that no one's really interested in, it was practically background noise while they were on their phones confortably sat on the couch.
They were liking posts, catching up with tweets, forgotten text messages, checking the calendar to make sure they remember their colleagues’ birthdays. First felt Khao's feet slide under his thighs.
“Really?”
“‘’m cold, be good na.” First didn’t reply. He was trying to be good with everything he got, even when Khaotung kept shifting around. Even when he changed position and his shorts rode up his thigh, and all First could do was bite hard his lips and force himself not to stare at the plump skin. He was good even when his best friend flopped onto his stomach, still doom scrolling, his calves carelessly draped over First legs. And First was presented with the succulent view of his little perfect ass.
Khaotung couldn’t possibly se him, it's one of those rare moments when First could allow himself to give in, to take in the tempting sight, carving every single detail into his memory, and with that, he'd survive in times of famine, times when his best friend, for God knew what reasons, decided to ignore him; decided it’s not necessary to see each other every day, that there's no need for skinship, for hugging, for touching. Too bad he didn’t know that First can’t live without it. His fingertips ache for it, and too often he has to muster every ounce of strength not to grab him and make him sit on his lap. He's his baby after all, that's where he should be, all the time.
In those hard moments, First felt like he could literally lose his mind. It’s Khaotung, his presence, his warm body, that keeps him grounded. And when that’s taken away from him, he feels like he could go rogue. Sleepless nights, empty days. It’s only his memory that allows him to function almost like a human being. Only by clinging to memory could he hold on to reality when he felt the weakest and most alone.
First was greedy, he was well aware of that, but he wasn’t prepared to feel how far his greediness could go, the dephts of it. Instinctively, he wanted to have Khaotung in every way possible, every position humanely imaginable, but it was only through his imagination, made vivid by memory, that he could fulfill all his darkest fantasies. That's how he got off in the morning, in the shower, without making it weird after, when his best friend showed up.
He was openly gawking, until he couldn't take it anymore. His pants felt tight, First gulped. It was bad, he didn't usually lose control like that. With time and practice he became a pro at keeping his cool while feeling like he’s about to implode. This time was different. Something about khaotung was making it hard for him to cope. It was the way he had a loose hoodie on and too short shorts, the way his legs were exposed, smooth and supple, his face without makeup, his perfectly fallen locks. He looked soft and First would have really liked to swallow him whole.
All of a sudden he circled Khaotung's ankle, touch lingering a second too much. He removed his legs from his lap. “sorry, bathroom break”. And that's how he was gone the next twenty minutes, uncalled for.
Khaotung quickly rolled on his side, watching his friend's back disappearing behind the door frame. Was he finally fed up with his antics? Did he find him childish and clingy?
When First came back he found his best friend lying supine and staring at the ceiling, his phone must have fell out of his hands as it was carelessly dropped on his chest.
“You good?” he questioned. Sitting back he put a safe distance between them, occupying the extremity of the couch.
“Yeah just lost in thoughts” Khaotung lifted his head, "why're you sitting there. Whatever." His head plopped right back again.
“Anything you wanna share?” he felt like he was fruitlessly trying to drag words out of him.
“Nah it's nothing important really”. First nodded and sighed, dropping the subject. Once again he pretended this didn't hurt him. They used to tell eachother anything, even the most nonsensical stupidest fleeting thought. When did it all change?
They were silent for five minutes, scrolling the awkwardness away on their phones.
After a while Khao spoke again and First just wished he really didn't. “You and your girl are still going strong?”
For a second, he freezed, he didn’t know what to say. He only knew that he got quickly unreasonably angry. He couldn’t even lift his eyes from his phone. And he knew, he knew that it was probably just an icebreaker, a way to make some small talk. But for First, it was much more than that: it meant being dragged by his feet back into reality. He hated this, Khaotung couldn't do this to him. He couldn't suddenly snap him back and remind him that he was taken, not when half an hour before he was riding a high and fantasizing about them together, not when he got off imagining his best friend on his knees blowing his brains out.
“Ye..yeah”. First stuttered. He felt sick to his stomach. “The normal highs and lows”.
“She must have missed you a lot”. Khaotung replied, with an indecipherable tone of voice.
First wanted very much to hit him. You! You should miss me a lot! He tried to produce and answer without sounding too acidic about it “I just saw her yesterday”.
“Right”. Khao was trying to leave it and switch gears, but he couldn't let go. He was too pissed off for all the wrong reasons and didn't know what to do with himself, but if he didn't get some of it out of his system he'd literally implode.
“Actually, why the interest in my relationship lately?” the other didn't instantly reply so he continued “’cause I’m fine, I think I can handle it well by myself.” Fuck
Khaotung sat up on the couch, staring at him all wide and incredulous eyes.
“The hell man”, he could see that he was struggling to find the words with how much out of nowhere that came. But First's head and mouth did not cooperate. “The other day you literally told me you're not seeing your girl much 'cause of work stuff”
No, not because of work stuff. Beacuse of Khaotung. Because he'd want to spend even his last day on earth with him and he wasn't even aware of the depths of his emocional, physical and sexual - considering he can never get off without thinking about him- attachment.
“Yeah I think I can still manage to find a way to see Jane without consulting you prior”. it was getting worse and worse, how could he get out of this rabbit hole?
“Oh God, you're not making any sense. When did I ever interfere in your relatioship?”. He was right, he never did. That's the problem. It's First that dreamt of Khaotung shouting at him and telling him to leave his girlfriend for him. But he never did, instead he rooted for them, like a normal best friend would do. It's just that First didn't want to be best friends, it was not enough anymore. He was tired of always being close yet so distant, always on the verge of something.
Take a hint but also don't take it, he was scared and unhappy either way. Scared of himself cause the day would come that he wouldn't be able to take it anymore and screw it all up; scared of being rejected, scared of what followed said rejection: he would jeopardize his and Khaotung's acting career, the company would make a statement about their broken partnership, people would be enraged, landing any future gigs a true miracle.
Or would Khaotung propose to still fake it? Would he ask to stay friends, First would have to say yes, reassure him that it'll pass, swallow his feelings. Just picturing it in his mind made him want to point a gun to his head and shoot himself dead.
He was silent. The sting of the defeat too hard to bear. His arms crossed on his chest, eyes staring unfocused at a distant point in the room, until Khao spoke again “I'm going to get a glass of water” meaning: I need some space, away from you.
First having a girlfriend was just another obstacle keeping them apart. And that time, he could fully admit he sabotaged it himself. Because First knew exactly what twisted psychological process led him on the brink of collapse. He was completely lucid in what he was doing.
Fear was the root of it all. He thought he could forget what he felt for Khaotung by finding a distraction. If all they were ever going to be was best friends he might as well bury it deep and move on with his life.
With Jane it was easy. They knew each other, they’d worked together as a fictional couple in the past. He had flirted a bit, in that perfect, confident way one does when he’s not really attracted to the other. Still, he hit the mark, and after a while, they started dating. He didn’t love her, but he desperately wanted to believe that with time he could get there, that he could build those feelings, create a great relationship, and that Khaotung would finally be nothing more than a friend.
But things didn't go as planned. He still kept fooling himself, thinking that with just a little more time he might have made it, that he could still make it work. But most of the time, he just felt stuck. Sooner or later, he'd had to admit defeat. The real desire he strenuously kept repressing was growing suffocating. Even a single day without him drove him insane. Every erotic fantasy starred Khaotung. Even when he was with Jane, it’s him he was thinking about.
And every time his friend casually reminded him of the reality he trapped himself in, shards of glass stabbed straight into his heart. They were micro-rejections, tiny stings, but there was no helping it: his love was undeterred.
Even thoughts and desire, unspoken and unseen, can be a form of cheating. He always considered himself morally above it. In the meantime Jane caught real, serious feelings, but there he was: wishing she didn't exist anymore so khaoung wouldn't have excuses to push him away, hoping she would eventually make him forget how devastatingly he loved his best friend.
“Hey I'm sorry” First tried, entering the kitchen “I was a jerk, I didn't mean to be so pushy about it”. Khaotung was texting on his phone, there was an empty glass on the counter, he raised his gaze on First but didn't speak.
“it's just stress I think, I didn't mean to take it on you”
Khaotung finally opened his mouth, his voice was cracked. “No First, it wasn't stress. We're constantly stressed, it's the collateral of our job but that's not how we handle it. We- we have- we do it differently” he trailed off. What Khaotung really meant is that they have a system, they're each other moral support. When they're anxious and tired they're not at each other’s throaths, they hold each other, they cry together and dry each other’s tears, they can’t be without one another during those times and that's what’s so special about them, what makes everyone envious.
“I know, I know we don't do this. I don't know what got into me. I'm sorry”. Please forgive me baby, was stuck on his tongue.
“It's okay” Khaotung caved in “I also didn't mean to ask so may question, I didn't want to stick my nose in your business.”
“You weren’t”
“It's your right to keep it private”
“No-” again, baby, was threatening to leave is mouth “you can ask all the questions you want” Khaotung nodded conciliatory.
“Gimme a hug?” First opened his arms and Khao was quick to close the distance. It was okay, they were fine, they were hugging, they could feel eacother's warmth. Everything fell into place. Their rapid heartbeats settled.
“Who were you texting?” First asked softly, while stroking his friend's back.
“Neo” First stilled for a moment. “Oh” he cleared his throath “how's he doing?”
“Good I guess”
“You guess?” Neo was another person he couldn’t help but worry about, as him and Khaotung go way back, they’d been close since Khaotung’s very first series, they hit it off long before Khao and First became friends. First always feared it might be a situation like the little ducklings’: they imprint on the first person they see and mistake them for their mother, sticking with them. Ever since he found out Neo was in a relationship, long before it was made public, his fear eased a little. But if First wasn't competing for the boyfriend status he was fighting to maintain the only best friend one, and at that point every person getting a little closer could be a threat. It wasn't an easy life.
“Yeah well, I’m getting busy lately, I have to alternate sticking my nose between your relatioship and his.” First laughed but he was nonetheless worried.
“When I have one of my own you can get back at me” he giggled, then added mockingly “if i get in a relationship that is”.
“Ohoo of course you will,” but First crossed his fingers on his back and really hoped that dreadful chance never occurred “you just have to find someone that can put up with your stubborness, your mood swings, your laziness-” in short, someone as First, or better First himself.
“Hey we just made peace” Khaotungs interrupted.
“Peace is overrated”
“Shut up!” They were still hugging, First had no intention of letting go, but he felt Khaotung loosening his grip, so he reluctantly followed.
“By the way, Neo just set me up, so I guess we'll put your theory straight to the test”
First's blood ran cold.