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Kylo Ren knows who's at his door before he registers the soft rapping of knuckles against durasteel.
General Hux stands at the threshold breathing heavily, gloved fingers furiously rubbing against the palms of his hands. His forehead is damp with sweat, causing pieces of his impeccably slicked hair to spring away from his scalp. A few strands of hair hover close to his eyes, which are blinking rapidly, anxiously. He’s not even wearing his greatcoat. This isn't the authoritative, resolute, emotionally barren General of the First Order Kylo has come to know during his residency on the Finalizer, but a man possessed.
He motions for the general to step inside.
“Something you want to discuss, General?”
“Yes,” Hux breathes. “You.”
Kylo tenses beneath his helmet, trying to feel the deeper meaning behind the general’s words. He’s certainly making no secret of his emotions tonight, projecting…lust? Kylo draws his breath in sharply.
“Me?” He’s glad his modulator filters the uncertainly and incredulity in his voice.
“You, Lord Ren,” and Hux steps toward Kylo until they’re practically toe to toe, brushing the back of one hand against Kylo’s covered face. He recoils.
“You’re wrong,” he says, and this time his voice wavers through the modulator. “I’m…I’m not what you want.”
“I assure you, Ren, you are exactly who I want.” Hux smiles honestly, another uncharacteristic expression. “May I remove,” he gestures around his own face, mimicking Kylo’s helmet.
Kylo summons all his willpower to keep his hands from shaking as he guides the general’s hands toward his neck, unlocking the helmet and gently letting his hands fall as Hux lifts it away from his face. He keeps his eyes lowered, conscious of the other man’s gaze yet afraid to read even his surface emotions. He barely registers the sound of the helmet falling onto the floor over his own racing heart.
“Lord Ren,” says Hux, “you are striking.” There is a note of awe in his voice, awe Kylo is certain he doesn’t deserve.
“No, I’m not,” he mumbles, keeping his eyes cast down. He can feel his face flushing, feel warmth spreading across his too-large ears, and wishes desperately for something to hide behind. He shakes his head, hoping some of his hair will fall into his face.
It barely works.
“Yes, you are,” Hux says, and then he’s running his hand, his bare hand, against Kylo’s face, tucking his hair behind his ear, and Kylo can’t stop the full-body shudder that happens next.
It’s all he can do to not burst into tears.
“I’ve upset you,” says Hux, and Kylo eyes dart up to see his brow’s furrowed, his mouth is frowning. Remorse - something Kylo has never dreamed of seeing on General Hux’s face. He’s done this to him, to a man - to the only man -
“No,” he forces himself to say, “no, it’s not - it’s just - nobody’s ever…” and he lets the sentence trail off, unable to bring himself to finish. It’s shameful.
He hears Hux chuckle. “Then let me be the first,” he whispers, leaning in to Kylo and kissing him gently on the cheek. Tentatively, Kylo reaches out and places a hand on Hux’s shoulder, his palm barely making contact with the jacket beneath it. He’s transfixed by Hux’s eyes, the rare clearness of them, the golden translucency of his eyelashes. Hux is striking, is powerful, is a born leader, is inexplicably attracted to Kylo and he has no idea what to do.
“I…I don’t deserve you."
“You do,” says Hux, brushing his cheek against Kylo’s, pressing himself into his body. “You deserve all the power in this galaxy.” His arms snake around Kylo, drawing him into an embrace, and now Kylo’s physically shaking, tears running silently down his cheeks. “When was the last time someone held you, Kylo?”
His first name. He said his first name. Kylo finds he can’t even form words and sobs into Hux’s shoulder, ashamed to be staining his jacket with his tears. “I don’t - I can’t - ”
“No need to explain. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Hux’s hands are rubbing circles gently into his back, a gesture Kylo’s only experienced in another life, one he was so sure he’d destroyed. He exhales loudly against Hux, scrubbing tears away with the back of his sleeve.
“Why? Why me? You could have anyone.”
Hux pulls back, facing him. “Because. You have so much potential, so much energy. You have so much to give.” He presses his forehead against Kylo’s. “And it would be an honor to be yours.”
Kylo feels his mouth tremble into a smile. He can’t remember the last time he genuinely smiled, the act is so fraught with past memories he doesn’t dare touch. Hesitantly, he leans forward. He wants to be kissed, wants it so badly, but has never been kissed and doesn’t know where to begin. He can feel a lump rising in his throat, more shame surfacing.
Hux must see the uncertainty on his face, because he is the one to initiate the kiss. He’s gentle when he does it, pressing his lips to Kylo’s own, letting go lightly, then back at his mouth. Shakily, Kylo brings a hand up to Hux’s face. The horrifying thought that he could so easily destroy this man shoots through his mind, but he pushes it away, leaning into Hux’s kiss and pushing back to mouth his soft lips. He’s not worthy of this tenderness, he tells himself again, as Hux suckles against his own lips, a tongue slipping into his mouth. Kylo gasps.
Hux pulls away, his lips swollen and freckles coming in to focus on his reddening cheeks. “You’re overthinking,” he says, working a hand into Kylo’s cowl. “Let me make you feel good.”
Kylo guides Hux into his bedroom, afraid he’ll disappear if he lets go. As his legs back up against the edge of his bed, he feels Hux reach underneath his cowl, pulling it off and letting it drop to the ground. Kylo’s fingers unlatch his tabard, which crumples beneath him. It’s strange, having someone help him undress, feeling Hux’s fingers as they unzip his tunic and unfasten his braces. He bends his legs up on the bed, trying to remove his boots and leggings as smoothly as possible. He’s aware of how graceless he must look, a mess of pallid limbs.
But Hux doesn’t look at him as though he’s awkward. His gaze is reverent, his hands warm they travel across Kylo’s nakedness. His fingers trace the contours of his biceps and dip into the hollows of his collarbones. They glide down his chest at an agonizing pace, his fingertips mapping star charts out of his moles. Hux pinches Kylo’s nipples, rolling them between his thumb and index finger, and Kylo keens in a strangled voice he barely recognizes as his own.
“Your clothes,” he whines out. He needs to press himself into Hux’s bare skin.
The clothes are quickly shucked off, more carelessly than Kylo supposes Hux would do in the privacy of his own quarters, and Hux is on him again, pushing him back onto the bed so that his legs straddle Kylo’s own. He presses a hand gently against his abdomen, smiling softly as Kylo arches his back, gasping into the touch.
“You’re so beautiful, so strong,” he murmurs. Kylo looks up anxiously with teary eyes.
“I’m not,” he stutters. “Not like you.”
Hux tits his head and kisses Kylo, brushing his eyelashes against his cheek. “You are. And I’m going to tell you as many times as I need to for you to believe it.”
The tears spill over onto Kylo’s cheeks, and he wonders what he’s done to deserve such torture.
“Must you be so dramatic,” Hux says, though there’s gentleness behind his words. “You’ve nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I want you.”
Hux chuffs and smiles. “And you shall have me.” Keeping his eyes focused on Kylo’s, he pushes himself back, resting his hands on the inside of Kylo’s thighs, gently spreading his legs. Kylo’s erection is flushed and heavy against his stomach. He squirms as Hux presses his lips against his thighs, sucking gently toward his cock, and cries out when Hux finally holds it in his hand. “Not in a million years would I have imagined you to be so sensitive,” Hux whispers as he runs his thumb up the sensitive underside of Kylo’s cock, listening as Kylo whines and arches back into the bed.
He lowers his head, and Kylo screams.
Hux’s mouth is hot and wet around the head of his cock. He licks his slit lightly before bobbing over his head once, twice. Kylo groans when his mouth strays, but Hux is immediately back on his cock, gently mouthing and licking the length of his shaft. His tongue moves up the length, and then Hux is opening his mouth, taking Kylo deeper into it.
It’s only when Hux swallows that Kylo realizes he’s barely been breathing. He thrusts up and pulls his arms forward, catching Hux by the back of his head, holding him in place around his cock. He’s going to come if Hux keeps this up.
“Please!”
Hux bobs his head up, Kylo’s cock slipping out of his mouth. “Yes?”
He's suddenly unsure of his desires. “Fuck me,” he mutters weakly.
“What was that?”
“I want you to fuck me,” he says, more certain this time. “I want…I want you inside of me.” He can feel himself flushing and has the urge to tunnel into the pillows beneath him.
Hux maneuvers himself up onto the bed and presses his face to Kylo’s abdomen, kissing just below his navel. “With pleasure,” he says, a note of mischief in his voice. Another gentle kiss. “I’ll have to prepare you. Hold on just a moment.” Kylo tilts his head back onto the bed and closes his eyes. Dimly, he hears the soft rustle of fabric and the pull of zippers, the sound of a bottle being uncapped, the scritch of fingers rubbing against skin. He feels the bed shift beneath him as Hux climbs onto it, and reflexively opens his legs.
“Relax,” says Hux, and Kylo opens his eyes to see him framed between his thighs. “I’m going to make you feel good, but you must relax.” He takes a deep breath, exhaling and trying to clear his thoughts.
The next thing he’s aware of is the oiled finger sliding into him.
A panicked moan rises in Kylo’s throat and he fists his hands into his sheets, craning his head toward Hux, who looks up with him with bemusement.
“Really, Kylo, you must relax,” he says, and Kylo watches as Hux’s finger emerges from his body until only the first knuckle is still inside his hole. Slowly, the finger enters him again, then out again, and Kylo thrusts his hips upward. Hux adds a second finger, scissoring them gently, and Kylo finds himself breathing shallowly against the stretch. He can see his cock beginning to leak against his stomach and casts his eyes toward the ceiling.
Then Hux strikes something deep inside of Kylo, and he arches his back and keens.
“What! What did you do!” he gasps out.
“Your prostate, Ren,” says Hux, nuzzling Kylo’s thigh with his head and causing him to shake. “One more finger,” he adds, and Kylo’s now melting into Hux. His eyes dart down again when Hux finally withdraws his slick fingers from him. The lubricant is back, and he watches as Hux runs his hands over his own cock, positioning himself so that Kylo’s legs are locked around his waist.
“I’m going to take you now.”
Kylo finds himself breathless, tears in the corners of his eyes, as the head of Hux’s cock breaches his hole. He eases forward, slowly pushing himself in. A stuttered sigh escapes Kylo’s lips and he looks up at Hux apprehensively.
“You’re doing so well,” says Hux. “You’re beautiful. All of you is beautiful.” He places his hands on Kylo’s hips and slowly begins to move. At this distance, Hux’s affection - no, adoration - is palpable. He’s spilling his thoughts, flickers of his desires seep through to Kylo’s mind: Kylo riding Hux, Kylo’s mouth around Hux’s cock, the two lying in bed together, bathing each other, kissing passionately in Hux’s bedroom.
Hux thrusts in faster and Kylo cants into it, shuddering. This is what he’s wanted for months - no, years. He’s never felt so desired, so emotionally freed from all his insecurities. There are more tears starting in his eyes and he lets them flow freely down his face as he gives in to owning Hux’s affection. Kylo can feel himself tightening as Hux twitches inside of him, there’s an oath and a promise on his lips -
- and he comes with a sob, his hand on his cock and three fingers buried inside of himself as he rides out the aftershocks alone.
Every imagined touch and grasp vanishes as Kylo settles bonelessly onto his bed. His hands and wrist are sore, creased from contact with his skin and the inside of his briefs, even his mind feels sore. There are fresh tears on his face. He rubs his temples and sniffles. He’s so fucked up.
He knows it’s useless, harmful even, to spin such elaborate fantasies and devote so much time wishing for affection from the general. Hux doesn’t love him, has never loved him. In the early days when Kylo was first stationed on the Finalizer, he once probed Hux’s thoughts when he felt the general’s arousal spike. He knows he isn’t even attracted to men.
He sighs and pushes himself up, not bothering to turn on any lights. Kylo keeps his head down as he walks to the refresher, grabbing a cloth to dry his face and wipe himself as he toes off his briefs. They’re quickly joined by the soiled towel.
Kylo returns to his bed - narrow, spartan, meant for one person - and tunnels under the covers. He grabs a pillow and wraps his tired, ungainly arms around it. He wishes for a warm body in its place.
Eventually he sleeps.