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“Let down your fair hair!”
Ashton rolled his eyes, doing his best to drown the voice of his idiot best friend out by pulling his pillow down over his head, but then the moment it got quiet again he was worried and felt guilty for leaving Calum out there. Tiredly, he got up onto his knees and crawled to the end of the bed, leaning onto the window sill and opening the window further. Down below on the pavement, Calum looked up with a grin stretched across his face, and in his excitement of seeing Ash he stumbled and nearly fell flat on his ass.
“Ashy! My princess!” He yelled, “I, the prince, am here to rescue you!”
“Rescue me?” Ashton hissed loud enough to be heard from down below, “All you’re going to do is get me in trouble for waking the whole house, the whole street , up. What are you doing here, Cal?”
“I don’t know,” Calum continued to shout and then Ashton regretted asking another question. Franticly, he shushed the younger boy and with his finger pressed against his lip still, he ducked away from the glass. He was nervous that his mum or sister and brother would wake as he crept through the house, he almost fell over a random shoe in the hallway but eventually he got downstairs and to the front door. Calum was already waiting on the porch, leaning against the door, posing lamely with a very exaggerated toothy smile on his face.
“Fear not my lady,” he slurred, and up close Ashton could see just how out of it the boy clearly was, “I am here, your loyal servant.”
“Shut up.” Ashton said with another eye roll, but he couldn’t keep the laugh in anymore. “Get in here,” he managed to speak through his giggles, “And don’t say a word.”
Somehow they managed to get back upstairs and into Ashton’s room without making too much noise, though Calum kept tripping over his own feet and needing the older boy to steady him. Once Ashton got Calum safely onto his bed, he left again, returning quickly with a glass of water which he pressed firmly into his friend’s hand.
“Drink it.” He ordered sternly, “You’ll regret it tomorrow if you don’t.”
Surprisingly, Calum obliged immediately, gulping down the entire glass, and then Ashton left to refill it. Eventually though, the two of them were sat down on his bed, squashed together because it was so tiny. They leaned back against the pillows, their limbs tangled together and their hips pressed almost uncomfortably together, but somehow it wasn’t really that uncomfortable.
“You are so drunk.” Ashton muttered, “I told you you shouldn’t have gone to that party.”
“No, there’s nothing wrong with the fact that I went to the party.” Calum retorted, “ You should have come. It was great.”
“Not my scene.” Ashton pointed out, but then he quickly changed the subject. It wasn’t unknown, but the fact that Calum was the jock superstar of the school and Ashton was…. Well, he was just nobody, really. He blended into the crowd, nobody disliked him but nobody particularly liked him. Other than Calum, of course. Ashton never really understood why, but the few times he pointed out that he was just boring and ordinary and not meant to be friends with Cal, the other boy just got annoyed. I love you for you, Ashton, he had admitted when they first argued about that, you’re not ordinary, you’re amazing. That had been the one proper highschool party Ashton went to, with underage drinking and sex rather than pass the parcel and birthday cake, and he had felt horribly out of place. Still, they always ended up together at the weekends anyway. Calum wouldn’t dare go home drunk… well, that’s what he said. Really, his parents didn’t care, he just missed Ashton and always wanted to see him. “Don’t you have a football match tomorrow?” He asked.
“Yeah.” Calum sighed, and then without even thinking about it he laced his fingers through the older boy’s, and Ashton tried very hard to ignore the fact that his heart started to race. “Will you come and watch?”
“Of course.” Ashton said with a dimpling smile - even if he hated any kind of school event that required excited spirit towards sport, he always went for Calum. “But will you even be able to play hung over?” He teased.
Nudging him in the side, Calum pretended to be upset, pouting his lips, “Stop judging me.”
“I’m not judging you.” Ashton promised, and he couldn’t really believe he had to say it. He never judged Calum, he loved him… granted, sometimes he envied him. Even if he hated when he had it himself, sometimes he would get jealous that his best friend got so much attention and praise whilst Ashton was constantly in the shadow. It was kind of his own fault though.
“It would have been more fun if you were there.” Calum whispered then, and he squeezed their hands together. “I missed you.”
“Missed you too.” Ashton admitted breathlessly.
This was the problem. They were best friends. They loved each other more than anything… well, Ashton believed he loved Calum a lot more. It’s just, everytime Calum went to Ashton when he was drunk, they always ended up kissing. Sometimes more. Obviously Ashton loved it, because it was what he dreamed of to be honest, but the morning after, they would just pretend like it never even happened. And every time that happened, it made Ashton hurt, it stabbed him deep in the gut and stung like hell. He never said that though, he just let it happen. He would rather get to kiss Calum and then pretend like it never happened, then argue about it and then lose his best and only friend. So when Calum suddenly moved with lightning speed to straddle Ashton’s hips, all the shy boy could do was inhale sharply and smile. When those fingers that played the bass so beautifully lifted to caress Ashton’s face, he leaned into the touch, revelling in how soft it was. When Ashton’s chin was tilted up and those lips that tasted of apple cider and were still kind of wet from downing two pint glasses of water kissed his, he just lost himself in it. And he didn’t care. All he could think about was how much he loved Calum, how lucky he was that out of every single lame ass kid in their town, Calum chose him . He lifted his own hands from where they were limp at his sides and he gently pushed them throw Calum’s dark curls of hair, they felt so silky in his touch. Somehow in his dazed and drunken state, Calum still managed to unbutton Ashton’s shirt.
Watching closely, the older boy felt his heart swell as Cal shook his head at the Star Wars themed pyjamas, but he was grinning to himself, the way he always did when he thought Ashton was silly and cute and adorable. Even though he knew that he wouldn’t be judged, Ash always felt slightly nervous to be undressed in front of his friend, simply because he spent all of his time inside and didn’t do any exercise and didn’t eat a lot - he was kind of short and very thin, he knew he had potential to be muscular but right now his arms were like sticks, his stomach flat. Shapeless. Calum had dark, beautiful skin that seemed to gleam, he had like, at least an eight- pack. He was completely gorgeous and Ashton felt like he was ugly.
“You’re beautiful.” Calum slurred as if he could read minds, “So so so so so so fucking-”
“Shh.” Ashton felt himself blush, and he pressed his hand over the younger boy’s mouth, as if he could push the words back. “And don’t swear.”
He couldn’t help but giggle when Calum actually apologised for swearing. Cal was nice and all, but he didn’t say sorry a lot, but if he did anything to possibly offend his precious Ashy in even the smallest of ways he looked like he was severely wounded. Then they were kissing again, losing themselves in each other. Their hands roamed one another’s exposed chairs and then Calum’s went a little lower, ghosting over Ashton’s crotch through his pyjama trousers. At first, Ashton was all prepared, he wanted to go further. He wriggled out of the pyjamas and then he was about to slide his boxers down too but he hesitated… he thought about tomorrow. This would all be forgotten again. Again, Calum seemed to always know what Ash was thinking, he sensed the other boy tense and grow hesitant. He moved close again, placing his finger lightly on Ash’s bare shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” He asked softly. “Do you not want…”
“I do want.” Ashton replied quietly, “But… Not like this. Not anymore.”
“What do you mean?” Calum wondered with a furrowed brow, genuinely concerned. He cared about Ashton so much that it made the latter’s heart melt.
“I… I don’t know. I don’t know where it’s coming from but-” Ashton tried to explain but he shook his head, not really sure what to say.
Somehow, Calum just knew. As if the words were hovering unspoken between them and he could read them anyway. He smiled sadly, and when Ashton turned to face him, Calum pressed his hand to the other boy’s pale skin, stroking his finger across his jaw. “Not when I’m drunk and…”
But then he screwed his face up, not wanting to continue. A silence hung between them, nobody really sure what to do or say. Calum slowly relaxed again though, and he simply nodded his head.
“Yes? Yes what?” Ashton prompted, not at all forceful or anything, it was gentle.
“Not when you know in the morning I will just pretend like it never happened. But Ash-”
“You don’t have to explain.”
“I do.” Calum said and he sounded like he was almost pleading, so Ashton didn’t speak as his best friend continued his sentence. “-Ash, I do remember. The memories are all that fill my mind. You are all that fill my mind. When we… when we sleep together, it means so much to me. And I don’t know why I always act like it doesn’t exist, it’s just because… I don’t fucking know. I…”
“You don’t want to be gay.” Ashton said simply, and when Calum looked slightly alarmed it’s obvious that the other boy hadn’t even really acknowledged that. He knew it, he knew that he was into boys but he didn’t want to let that thought in, and Ashton understood. He wasn’t even out yet, and he had nobody to judge him. He had no pressuring dad like Cal, he just had a mum who loved him. “Your parents are strict and you’re worried they won’t like it. And I hear the way the boys on your team talk. They call people faggots and shove them into lockers.”
Even that fact makes Calum look wounded, like he is ashamed to be friends with them. His shoulders slumped and he moved away from Ashton, pulling his knees up to his chest and staring down at the bed.
“It’s not even that I’m scared. It’s just… I’m not ready for that.”
“I know.” Ashton mumbled. “Calum, I know. Trust me, I do. But… I don’t want to have sex with you again, or kiss you again. Well, I do but-”
“I know. When I can admit to it. When I… when I will be with you properly.”
They were quiet for a long time, simply looking into one another’s eyes. It seemed like they were frozen but eventually the space between them closed. Calum had tears in his eyes and Ashton knew that, but neither of them minded. They didn’t hide from one another. They pressed their foreheads together with their eyes squeezed shut.
“I love you so much.” Calum whispered. “I love you. I’m not afraid of that.”
“I know.” Ashton murmured back, “I love you.”
Almost instinctively, they went to kiss again. Their lips almost brushed so closely that their breath kind of merged together, they felt one another’s heat up their face and Ashton giggled softly again. Wordlessly, they gradually lifted their heads and moved back to be lying side by side against the pillows. They had the dim light of Ash’s lamp but their attention was on the moon, the window was still open and a cool breeze gently slid across their bodies, tingling their bones. They fell asleep without saying goodnight, they didn’t say another word after confessing their love. Well, not really confessing it, they already knew. Just stated it. They tangled their hands back together and Ashton rested his head against Calum’s shoulder, and Calum pulled a blanket over them. It wasn’t perfect yet. But it was enough.