Chapter Text
Present, Potter Manour, 1975,6 months ago.
{Sirius’s POV}
People say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. What they don’t tell you is that your life can flash before your eyes while you’re alive, too—and it’s even worse than death.It’s been twenty minutes since I took four oxycodone.
Twenty.
And my head is finally spinning and floating.A grin stretches my face, but I can barely feel it. Everything is so fucking numb—just how I want it. There’s no reason in particular as to why I chase the high—or low—except that I like the way it feels. One day, I woke up not an addict, and by the end of that same day, I was one.
The second that numbing sensation took over my body, I knew it was over. It was exactly what I had been yearning for my entire life. All the anxious thoughts in my brain disappeared—every single fucking bad thought I had ever had…it was just gone.
The nagging feeling that I’m missing out on so much more is always there. I’ve lost the people who matter the most to me, mostly friends. But if I had to pick the person I miss the most, it would be Remus, my boyfriend. He immediately noticed when I started using, and he gave me an ultimatum. In the end, I couldn’t choose. Him or Oxy. Oxy or him. I didn’t have it in me to pick. I’m not going to stick around to watch you kill yourself.
Those words still echo in my ears every time I swallow a couple of pills, but the thing about the drugs is that they drown out those silly little evil fucking thoughts—the ones where I acknowledge that he might be right. And he is, I know that. But I don’t want to do anything about it.It’s the end of my NEWT year right now, and I’m not exactly a straight-A student, but I get by just fine.
My drug consumption isn’t affecting me as much as people think it is, and even though I pop pills multiple times a day, I can still function. I only ever get this high when I don’t have anything to do. And right now, as I rest my forehead against the steering wheel right in front of the house I should be spending my summer at—with my best friend—I’ve never wanted to stop those feelings more.
But that’s okay because Oxy always has my back, and right now, even my limbs are too numb for me to give a fuck about anything. My chest tightens as I straighten my body and drop my head back on the headrest of the car’s driver’s side seat, and my head spins as I try to open my eyes to no avail—one of my least favorite things about the Oxy.
Fuck.
Leaving my eyes closed, I try to focus on my breaths. In and…out…in…and…out. They’re coming so slowly, but I don’t mind it. My heart thumps at the same pace. However, it’s loud, like drums in my ears.In…out…in…out.
Tap, tap, tap.
I startle awake, although sluggishly. My body is moving in slow motion as I attempt to open the driver’s side door, but it falls to my side after a pathetic try. The smile that wants to make an appearance is not blooming, and it’s mostly because my face is so damn numb.
“Sirius!” The voice comes from a distance, and I somehow am able to unlock the door, even if I can’t get it open. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“E-Effie..” I try, but my lips aren’t moving. Did I say anything, or is it just my imagination? “James!” A shrill scream comes from my side. Why is everyone freaking out? “Help me!”
I’m fine.
“Padfoot?” James whispers in my ear, and this time, I manage to give a full smile. He always makes me smile. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Disappointing you—again.
“W-what’s wrong, Prongs?” I frown. Or at least I think i do.
“That’s it!” Euphemia barks. “I’m taking him to the hospital.”,“No!” I yell, but I can’t tell if they even hear me.“Put him on the passenger side,” she demands.“Fuck him,” James growls. “I don’t want anything to do with him right now. Just fucking look at him. Let him die, Mom. He’s been going down that road for a long fucking time.”
My stomach dips and swoops and falls.“Shut your fucking mouth, James Fleamont Potter,” his mom snaps. “And help me help him.” James quietly does as she says, helping me out of the driver’s seat. My feet drag across the concrete driveway, and I hold onto him for dear life. Right before we round the car, I see her distraught face. Her eyes are wide, and her lips are trembling, but I avert my gaze quickly. Her green eyes are the exact same shade as James’s, and I don’t want to think about that right now.
It feels like time is crawling by and simultaneously speeding up. When I’m in the passenger seat of my car, James puts my seatbelt on. “What were you thinking, Sirius?” He groans. “You really fucked up this time.”
“Sorry,” I whisper.
His thumb brushes my cheek, and I look into his blue eyes. They look so bright and clear, something I know mine are not. The warmth of his hand cupping my cheek gently makes me close my eyes and blink back tears. Goddamnit, I don’t know why this affects me so much.
“It’ll be okay.” He whispers back, and my eyes fly open. His smile is soft and reassuring, and I hold on to that. His eyes flash with some emotion I can’t pinpoint, but it feels warm and safe. It feels like old times, and I don’t want to get caught up in him right now.
“You will get help this time, padfoot.” I groan. “Don’t call me that.” James looks momentarily hurt, but I don’t think his pain comes close to mine. He made it more than clear that we were done, that the friendship between us was over. Taking a step back, he mutters. “Stop telling me what to do.”
I roll my eyes, or at least I think I do. Even the way he steps away from the vehicle is in slow motion, and my eyes are blurring so badly that I can barely see him as he puts some distance between us. Faintly, I hear the sound of his mother getting in the car and buckling her seatbelt. She pulls out of the driveway, the tires screeching in her haste, and I let my eyes fall closed.
“I’m so fucking disappointed in you, Sirius.” She growls. “This isn’t like you.”
“Yes, it is, Effie.” I sigh. “This is me now. You might want to start getting to know me.” ,“Fuck that.” Rain droplets begin to fall on the windshield, slow at first, then a little bit faster. The sound of her windshield wipers soothes me, and I smile a little, even though the situation definitely doesn’t call for it. “You’re getting help. You need help.”
“I don’t need shit,” I mutter. “Stop trying to control me. I’m an adult now.”,“The fuck you are.” She laughs loudly, but it doesn’t bother me—nothing does right now. She could yeet this car off a cliff and I’d be unbothered. “Look at how you’re acting, Sirius. Like a bratty little kid.”
“Your son tends to tell me I’m a brat.” I smirk. “Excuse me?”
Oh, shit.
Fuck.
“Nothing.” I wince when I feel the car skid a little. “E-Effie, be careful.”
“Yeah? Well, if it weren’t for you, we could be home right now.” She snaps. “I can’t fucking believe this right now. I can barely understand what you’re saying from how high you are.” The car skids again, but she doesn’t slow down. “First the thing you did to Remus and Severus, and now this!” She snaps again. “Where the fuck are we going? Why are you going so fast?”
“So I won’t change my mind!” She yells at me, and I cringe. Euphemia isn’t the kind of person who yells at her kids or anyone—nothing makes her yell. Not even during James’s biggest fuck-ups. So I know right now she’s at the end of her rope. I crossed a line. Even if I don’t know which one, it doesn’t matter, though.
She’s pissed. “Something is wrong with you. And I’m gonna fix it.”
“Slow down, Effie..” The car swerves to the right. “Effie!” We spin, and I finally open my eyes, looking at her as she attempts to maneuver the car to no avail. We spin, skid, and slide everywhere, the car jostling me around until my head slams against the window. But I can barely feel it, thanks to the pills.
“Sirius!” She screams. “Fuck!”, “Effie, watch out!” But it’s too late as we drive headfirst into a tree trunk.
The impact causes the airbags to deploy, but the sound of the ruined front of the car is loud in my ears. A sickening crunch fills the car, and when I look to the side, I see it’s Euphemia with her head twisted all wrong. Her eyes are open but unblinking, and her neck is turned at an awkward angle.
No.
“Effie?” I whisper. “Effie?!”
No, no, no.
“Effie!” I scream this time and hear it echo. My head suddenly throbs, and I lift a hand up to it and come back with sticky, dark red blood. It’s a dull ache, though, and I imagine it would hurt way more if I didn’t take so many painkillers. Trying to unbuckle my seatbelt, I realise I’m stuck. I’m fucking stuck and can’t do shit about it. My wand is broken.
I try to reach for the muggle phone with buttons in her back pocket, and when i got it i remembered James said the muggle emergency number was 911.After I dial 911, I hold my breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My friend and I crashed,” I slur. “Please help me.”
“Where are you?”
“I don’t know!” I cry out, tears streaming down my face. “I’m fucking stuck, and I think she’s dead. Please, please, hurry.” My hand trembles as I hang up, and I can barely hang onto the phone. No matter how much I try, I can’t shake the fog in my brain. My breaths and my heart are too slow. And there’s not even an adrenaline rush kicking in. Fuck, I shouldn’t have taken so many pills.
I’m so fucked up.
Self-loathing fills my veins, and I sob. If my best friend’s mom and my mother figure is dead…because of me…I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. There’s no choice but to join her. Take the easy way out since I’m not strong enough for the alternative. Living in a world without her is unfathomable.
My eyes close of their own accord yet again, and the next thing I know, I’m being pulled out of the car by a firefighter. I manage to open my eyelids through the heaviness, and he grimaces, carrying me to a stretcher. A warm liquid trails down my face, and I wipe it, then realize it’s blood. More and more blood.
“My friend..?” I ask, looking around frantically, the high fading quickly. Adrenaline rushes through my body, overpowering the high, and I’m suddenly desperate. My hands tremble as I look for her. Where is she? Where the fuck is she? “Effie!” I scream loudly until my voice breaks. “Effie!”
The firefighter puts me on the stretcher, and I sit straight up, looking around. But I don’t see her. I don’t fucking see her. They must have already taken her. She has to be on her way to the hospital.But he shakes his head, his lips thinning. “I’m sorry, kid.”
Sorry?
“For what?” I ask, “I’ll see her at the hospital, right?”
Silence.
“Right?”
“She didn’t make it.” He murmurs, squeezing my arm lightly. “I’m sorry.” My heart drops all the way down to my ass, and it feels like my chest squeezes until I can’t take in a deep breath. My hands tremble uncontrollably, and I squeeze my eyes shut.She didn’t make it.There’s no fucking way I lost her. No way that I’ll never hear her laugh again, or see her blue eyes crinkle with happiness. No way we won’t do Christmas movies and decorate cookies.
No fucking way.
And it’s all my fault.
She’s dead because of me.
But she can’t be dead, right? Because if she is, that means I’ve lost so much more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. That means the last thread keeping James and I together has officially been cut.
“No.” I shake my head. “No, no, no. It’s my fault. It’s my fucking fault.” The man doesn’t say anything, and instead wheels me to the ambulance. The trip to the hospital is a blur, and I mostly stare up at the white ceiling as we move through the roads at high speed, yet everything is in slow motion. I don’t understand why the sirens are on, I’m fine. But that doesn’t seem to matter to them.
Something about a head injury.
I guess that explains the blood.I seem to have closed my eyes yet again, seeing as the next time I open them I’m in a hospital room—with James sitting at the foot of the bed. Fuck—I must be more injured than I thought, because now my head is pounding to the beat of my heart.
But the way James is looking at me—with so much hatred in his eyes—is enough to sober me up the rest of the way. More than the sight of my dead stepmother. The only mother figure I’ve ever had. Because I’m just like my real mom. A fucking piece of sadistic shit. He shakes his head at me, his lips pinching. “How could you?” He whispers, and I flinch.
Tears trail down my face, and I open my mouth to apologise, to say something, but then it just snaps shut when he storms toward me and grabs me by the front of my hospital gown. “How fucking could you?!”
“I’m—” I close my eyes and force the words past trembling lips. “So sorry.” I can’t even bring myself to look at him, so I stare down at my hands.
“Fuck you and your apologies, Sirius.” I wince at my name coming from his perfect lips. He never calls me that. It’s always Siri or Padfoot. What the fuck did you expect? “I hate you.” Crying out, I grab onto his arms, tightening my grip the closer he brings me to his face. Our foreheads touch, and he rests his against mine.
“No, please.” I whimper. “You don’t mean it.”,“You’ve ruined—everything,” he growls, and his soothing scent fills my nostrils. Citrus. But it’s not supposed to be soothing right now. I fucked up. “How could you do this to me? To us?”
There is no us.
You made that crystal clear, James.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper hoarsely. “I wish I could take it all back—I’m sorry!”
“Fuck.” He lets go of my gown. “You.” Just when I think he’s going to walk away, he cocks his fist back and hits me right in the eye. I feel my skin split open from his ring,and I cry out. But he just pulls his fist back and hits my jaw, too. I see red—literally. All I see is blood pouring over my eye, and he becomes blurry again. But I can feel his fury and grief in waves.
He doesn’t have to say anything for me to know that he’s never going to talk to me again. I’ve been able to read him like an open book for years now, ever since we became one. There was a shift a few years ago.One where he started being more affectionate and loving towards me—and not in the way brothers are.
He started calling me baby and then coming into my room in the middle of the night to…well, it doesn’t matter now.
It’s over.All of it.
“I fucking hate you!” he screams. “You’re fucking dead to me!”And then he leaves me behind, slamming the door shut. And my heart breaks all over again”
Past,August, 1976 Grimmauld Place Number 12.
{Third Person}
The sound of shuffling and steps on the hard wood of the room next to Regulus, he was awake, so was his brother.He unwraps the soft, itching black blanket from around him and steps on the old wood with a creak that the floor made.He stands up carefully, and takes the first steps towards the door made or dark wood and places a hand on the golden handle, then turns it down to open it.
He steps out of his room, and slowly but carefully walks towards his brother’s room, being careful not to wake their parents from their slumber with the old and creaking floor of the place.He finally arrives at the front of his brothers room, and sees the wooden door slightly ajar.He peeks trough it, and finds his brother packing his stuff in his leather and old suitcase.
Regulus was confused by his brother’s sudden actions and steps into the room, looking at his brother.Sirius’s wardrobe was empty, the perfumes and eyeliners he had were vanished into the dark, or he packer them up.Regulus looks at Sirius, and he freezes when he hears his little brother enter.He sighs after more than a half of a minuted, and turns around to face his brother’s surprised face.
”Reg..” Regulus stops his brother in the midst of the sentence, already figured what he wanted to say.He looked hurt, as he looked at his brother. “Why are you leaving..?” His voice was quiet and husky, scared to talk too loud of the wrath of their parents if they wake them up.Sirius looks in his eyes with regret. “Reg.. please..Come with me..!you’ll be way better to the Potters and you don’t have to deal with our parents anymore, please Reggie..” he begged, but the look in his little brother’s eyes didn’t look like he was convinced.
“You promised..” his whispers breaks Sirius’s heart in more than ten thousand pieces.The tears that sprang inside of his eyes that conjured his iris, were pain tears. “Reggie..you have to understand..please..” Regulus shook his head. “No..Sirius.. this is my home. Our home..”
The tears that ran down Sirius’s face made Regulus want to shed tears, but didn’t yet.
Sirius turns back to his things and packs up everything he needed, but the younger boy, his little brother, the one who he promised to stay with and protect, watched him, being still.He turns around to face Regulus, he drops his bags and hugs his little brother. Regulus didn’t beat an eye and hugged the older boy.Tears sprang into his grey and emotionless eyes.
The two brothers hugged for a while, cherishing their last moment together, with Regulus knowing he won’t see his brother here anymore.
Sirius pulled away, the sheds of the tears still flowing out of his eyes.He then grabs his wand and nods to Regulus before he apparates to the Potter manor, leaving Regulus all alone, in his older brother’s now empty room.The air feels colder, he shivers, and then fell onto his knees on the hard and dusted floor, and starts sobbing.
Present. October 7th, 1976
{Sirius’s POV}
I was sitting on Remus’s lap in the Gryffindor common room, he was reading a book while i was bored and was drawing stars on the scars on his legs and arms.Remus wasn’t bothered by it.I started to get bored out of my mind, and start to think about types of pranks i can do.And reminded that tomorrow night was a full moon, and then got a brilliant idea.
I get up, give Remus a smooch and then ran out of the Common room to find James.Remus chuckles and continues to read his book, not bothered at all that i just waltzed out of there.
I find James talking with Lily, and then grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. “Prongs, i’ve got the best idea for a prank for Snivellus.” James’s eyes sparked up, and grinned in mischievousness, and nodded. “What prank?” i grinned too and leaned down to his ear. “Tomorrow night is the full moon, what if i tell Greasy hair to go into the Whomping Willow at night?” I snickered after i told him that, and his grin faded.
”Mate.. i don’t think that’s a good idea.” His voice quiet but serious for the first time.I raise an eyebrow and my grin also started to falter. “What do you mean it isn’t?” I was confused as hell. “Moony wouldn’t like that at all..” he glared at me. “Oh c’mon! He won’t hurt Snivellus!” I punch his shoulder. “Be a bit more happy Prongsley.” He didn’t respond and just sighed.
I won the argument.
-☆-
It was night now, and i was laying with my head on Remus’s chest while he played with my hair.We were laying on Remus’s bed, only in our boxers and were talking with smiles on our faces.I started to get hard at how Remus rubbed his leg against my cock.I groan and he smirked.
”A quick round or slow one?” His voice husky and mischievous, and that made me rock hard. I nodded immediately.But i got under the covers, and before Remus can ask anything, his boxers slipped off and he let out a moan when i kissed his tip.Fuck he had a piercing on the side.I took his whole cock in my mouth, and he bucked his hips up that made me gag, and made my eyes water.
I started at a slow pace, but Remus was too impatient and bucked his hips up, and didn’t give me a chance to tease him.He probably knew what i wanted to do.I took it out and the tip of my tongue started to lick the very tip of his cock and at the small hole.His eyes widened immediately and it hardened worse,I grinned against it, and took it in my mouth again.
His moans fill the room, and his hips bucked every now and then when i didn’t take him all.After a lot of more teasing, and actual tears running down my face from gagging, i pulled away right when he was about to cum, and the annoyance in his eyes made me shiver and turned me on.Unexpectedly, he grabbed me from under the covers, turned me over and pinned me to the bed so i was face down to the bed.
He practically tore off my boxers, and slapped my ass once that made my whimper in both pleasure and in pain, because he had a hard ass hand that could leave bruises for an entire week.He slapped my ass a few more times, that it got red and actual tears sprang in my eyes.He then leaned down above me, grabbed the back of my hair, lifted my head up and pressed his middle and his point finger against my lips. “Suck.”
I did as he said, and sucked on his fingers, leaving as much saliva as i could.In the meanwhile, with his other hand that let go of my head, he put his hand between my ass cheeks and departed them slowly. “Such a pretty hole, pity it’ll be ruined.” He took his fingers out of my mouth and shover them in my hole, i dropped my head onto the blanket, letting a pained moan.Fuck it hurt.
He pumps his fingers in and out of my hole, then pressed down onto my prostate, making me jump and moan actually loud.He then pulls out his fingers, grabs me by my ankles and arms then sits on his knees.He puts his arms under the back of my knees, holding me in a folded position, and positions his cock at my ass.Then with out warning, he thrusts into my ass and i felt my legs go extra sensitive.
I almost screamed when he did that, but bit my lip so hard that it bled. He starts to thrust in and out of me, the tip of his piercing hitting my prostate in a rhythmic state.I was a moaning and whimpering mess.My cock felt like exploding with cum, and when i was about to cum, he inserts a small, slender tiny and long metal with a small round thing at the end into the hole of my cock that made me whimper in pain.
He didn’t let me cum because i didn’t let him.
He continues to thrust into my ass, my moans filled the room.He finally cums inside of my ass, and takes out the miny metal thing and i cum after him.I panted, and he took out something that looked like a small tree[An anal plug] and inserted it into my ass that made me screech.He didn’t want his cum to get out.I look at him, my eyes watery.Then he unwraps his arms from around me and then hugs me close.
He starts to soothe the pain in my body as i start to relax.He whispers sweet things in my ear and i start to fall asleep, and he just followed after.
-☆-
The first thing in the morning i pulled the plug out with tears, because i got tight the whole night, and took a shower.Then after the first classes, i went directly to Severus.
“Hey, Snake face!” I called out. He groaned and looked at me annoyed. “What, Black?” He spat out.
“Come tonight at the Whomping Willow, you can get pass it with the spell Immobulus.” I said with a smirk, and he galred at me. “Why in Merlin’s name should i do that?” His eyes glared daggers and suspicion towards me.I grinned widely. “Just come you fucking moron.” And with that, i walked away, leaving Snape alone.
{Third Person)
The rest of the day i spent it with James and Remus, more like getting aftercare from Remus because my ass was still sore from last night and the plug made my hole bleed.I leaned my head against his shoulder, and James continued talking about random shit he did with Lily or Marlene.
When the night came, Remus ran to the Whomping Willow to go into the shrieking shack, and James went after Remus to make sure nothing happened while the full moon.At 2 a.m or so, Snape walked to the tree and looked up at it, and he raised his wound to cast the spell and then enter. “immobulus!” The tree went still and he went right trough the hole of the tree.
And immediately he regrets it.
A werewolf appears in front of him, and launches at him, but a stag grabbed Snape in its antlers and runs with him outside of the shrieking shack, but the Werewolf follows.Before the werewolf could strike, a black and large dog appeared and bit the werewolf to give the two Boys time to run away.The Werewolf shook the dog off of him and threw him against the tree, and the dig let out a pained whine.
The Werewolf growled at the dog and started to attack the wolf, and the wolf attacked back, not backing down.The Werewolf started to bite and throw the wolf around, and the wolf didn’t stop, even with injuries he didn’t stop.He starts to bite the werewolf by its legs, making the werewolf collapse but still cut trough the dog’s fur and skin with its claws.
The fight went till the sunrise, and it weakened the dog a hella lot, and the werewolf too, but mostly the dog because he was weaker.When the sun raised, The werewolf started de transforming and turned back into a human, and immediately passed out.The dog turned back to its human form too, and picked Remus up and rushed to the castle.
Sirius runs with Remus in his arms, both bloodied and wounded up and everything.Sirius was the worst looking.He had blood pouring from wounds on his forehead or head, and the three claw wound across his chest made it worse with the wound across his legs and arms and everything. “Madam Promfey..!” His voice was barely a whisper, and tried to yell out but couldn’t.He ran directly to her.
“M-Madam Promfey..please help him..” he spoke a little louder, and the shock on her face was definitely visible.She grabs Remus and out him on one of the beds and starts to tend to him.Sirius watched, he full on forgot the wounds on his body and was more concerned about Remus that himself at the moment,
-☆-
Hours passed, and Remus was now out of the hospital wing, and my wounds were treated too.Remus was enraged, but didn’t know who told Severus.Sirius, James, Peter and Remus were in the common room, and he had his wands pointed at them.
“WHO DID IT?!” He yelled, and Sirius flinched.He was standing next to James, and he looked scared too. “WHO DID IT?!” He yelled again. “Remus-“ Peter started but he got caught off by Remus. “WHO DID IT?!” He panted, the stitches on his face tightening. “SAY WHO THE FUCKING HELL DID IT-“, “It was me..!” Sirius’s voice echoed into the now quiet room.Remus looked at Sirius i disbeliev, betrayal and anger. “You..did it..?” His voice quiet,
It didn’t mean good,
He approaches Sirius quietly, he looks directly in Sirius’s eyes, and slaps him.Sirius head snapped to the side with the loud smack, and the thing was that Marlene and Lily just entered the common room.The two girls were surprised by the sight as Sirius’s cheek reddened like a tomato from the slap, and James winced at the sight.
Remus looked at Sirius in hatred, and walked out.James and Peter followed out.Sirius was let now alone in there since Marlene and Lily walked to their dorms.He was alone.
-☆-
{Remus’s POV}
Since Sirius pulled that stunt, i hated him.I couldn’t look him in the eyes or touch him or anything.I hated him.I hated him with all my life.I was sitting with Lily, drinking fire whiskey. “So, something juicy about your ex?” Her voice was cracked with mischievousness, what the hell did she want to do?I don’t know.
“Hm..Well his mother despises him and used the cruciatus spell on him since he was 11..” i paused, and Lily gasped, but grinned and stood silent. “He moaned like a bitch when we had intimate moments, has a daddy kink, and he loves to ride me.Most of the time he pleasures himself without me and he looks so ridiculous!” I said and laughed.I was drunk, but knew i was exposing Sirius, and Lily just laughed.
“And let me tell you, he has PROBLEMS.He has Ptsd, and is Bipolar.” I said and took another shot of whiskey.Lily looked at me surprised, but came with the best idea ever. “what do you say we expose him to the entire school?” Her suggestion made a spark go up into mu mind and grinned. “that’s perfect.Tho we should do it tomorrow when we’re sober.I think i’m gonna go to sleep.”
She nods, drinks her last shot and gets up, then i get up too.I start to walk to he boys dormitory and she walked to the girls dormitory.I entered the boys dormitory and sat on my bed and fell asleep directly.
{Sirius’s POV before Remus talked to Lily.}
It was almost Halloween break, and i was wondering if i should go to the Potter manor or beg my parents to let me back in the house. I walked where James was. “Hey Prongs-“,“don’t call me that.” His voice serious and annoyed at my presence.I sigh. “Look- i just wanted to ask if i should come to Po-“, “No.Hell fucking no.You’re not allowed in my house again.” And with that he got up and walked away.
My heart felt like it broke into a million pieces.I took a deep breath and sighed.I sat down at the spot where James was sitting and dropped my head in my hands.Bloody hell i messed up.
Past October 18, 1976 Hogwarts express.
I just got back into London, i got out of the train, and didn’t even look back, and with a shaky sigh i apparated to Grimmauld Place Number 12.
I felt scared, and then with a bit of courage, i knocked onto the wooden and old door.The door sound of being unlocked and the opened filled my ears, Walburga opened the door, and her eyes widened in anger. “What in fucking Merlin are you doing her you blood traitor?!” In Her voice was anger, but it had also a hint of happiness behind her anger.
I fell to my knees in front of her. “Mother.. Mother please let me back in..let me back in i beg you..i-i’ll be the son you always wanted.. just please let me back in..I beg you..” my voice was shaky and my eyes were tearing up.She looked at me in both fake disgust and confusion.She glared daggers at me, and pulled me inside by my collar.
I fell down inside of the house.I look at her and she looks at me as she shuts the door behind herself.I help myself up and kept my gaze down after.She grabbed my chin and mad me look up at her. “this little game of yours..thank the stars its over.Did you have fun?Did you get everything out of your system?”, ”i-i-i-“ i stuttered “good good.Everyone is so relieved.Welcome home Sirius.” Her words struck me as i felt my lips tremble.
“Your room is still next to Regulus’s, you can go upstairs..we’ll talk later as all a family.” She said and walked to the living room.I took deep breath and walked upstairs, and then in my room.I settled onto the bed and put down my suitcase.I run a hand trough my hair.Fuck..
I sighed and got up but accidentally stubbed my toe, but didn’t feel anything.What the fuck..?i was surprised but didn’t say anything.Instead i just walk back downstairs.Now, there was Regulus, Orion and Walburga.I hesitantly walked over to them and sat down at the seat next to Regulus.
Walburga smiled, which was very off.She looked at me. “Sirius, might you wanna explain why you came back?” I went silent for a bit. “I messed up..” that’s all i could say.She didn’t look pleased enough. “I can see, you look wounded.Both physically and emotionally.” She spat out. “Get up,” i nodded and got up.
“Some little birdie told me you’ve slept with a half blood werewolf.Is that true?” Her voice was filled with venom, and Orion was watching quietly like the quiet bastard he’s always been.I hesitantly nod. Her eyes flare and she slapped me.I could barely feel it, but i felt like i needed to feel pain, because i couldn’t feel any.I felt so..numb.I look at her. “I can’t feel i anything..” i muttered, “and her eyes widened.
“You’re lying.” She said as she slapped me again. “No i’m serious..i can’t feel anything..please crucio me..Please..!” I said as i fell down to my knees again, and she was beyond surprised.Regulus was shocked and Orion didn’t expect me to act like this. “Please..mother.. i can’t feel anything..” i whispered.
She shook her head and dismissed me.I look at her surprised.I try to talk but she shushed me and just sat down at the table.I couldn’t move so i just apparated into my room.Fuck i couldn’t feel anything.
I lay on the bed, and look at my bag.Before i got back i snook into the hospital wing and stole 7 Oxycodone pills.If i couldn’t feel anything, why feel anything at all? I lean down and took a pill, and swallowed it dry.Then i lay onto the bed and wait for it to make its effect.
It quickly went trough my body and i felt completely numb and mentally numb too.I close my eyes, trying to fall, asleep, and did fal asleep, that was good that i did.
Past,August, 1976 Grimmauld Place Number 12.
{Walburga’s POV}
Regulus and Sirius didn’t know i was awake and actually heard them.They didn’t know, but i actually loved and cared for them.I wished that Orion didn’t use the imperio curse on me at all.I heard Sirius leaving an i smiled to myself, glad that my kid got the freedom that i didn’t but wished to have.
I started to cry when Sirius left, i would definitely miss him, but Merlin Orion and Regulus don’t have to know, so i wipe my tears away and lay back on my bed and fell asleep.I was good now that my boy was in good hands.
-☆-
After the halloween break was over, i was completely changed.When i arrived at Hogwarts, many people there already knew about the rumours spread around from what Remus and Lily told them, but now i had short hair, and wore a black suit, and didn’t look as me as before, the star of Hogwarts.I looked more like my brother Regulus and more civilised.
When i sit down at my table, James barely recognised me.And Remus looked at me in surprise but still hatred.After the sorting house was ended for first years, we were allowed to go to our dorms.I walked to my dorm and sat down on my bed.Before the Halloween break i had a knife under my pillow with that i self harmed on my body.
I took off my suit and pants, to just remain to my boxers, and took the knife out, then started to make small, eep cuts on my thighs and wrists.Merlin now i felt pain.And it hurt.I made around 30-35 cuts on my body and then clean the blood off the knife and put it under my pillow, the dressed back up.I winced a little but walk out for my first classes of the day since we arrived at Hogwarts at 7 a.m.
{Regulus’s POV}
I was walking around, looking for Remus and James.I found them talking to Lily and stop in front of them. “Who said Sirius was a bad person?Snape?” I tried not to sound angry.
James looked at me but Remus spoke up. “it doesn’t matter.” I gritt my teeth. “Cuz if you wanna talk about people, let’s talk about Snape.” Lily frowns. “Sev is a good person.”
I look at her with despise. “And Sirius is not?” Lily sighs. “It’s not that, it’s just Sev had a very hard life.” I frown this time. “Not Harder than Sirius’s.” She glares at me. “It’s different!” I look at her in disgust, “Right.His dad hit his mom and ours just use Crucio on my brother.I don’t know which is worse.”
I said the last sentence sarcastically. “And if you weren’t such a fucking loser you would just drop him because he treats you like shit.”
With that, i spat on her. “Filthy little Mudblood.” I said and then walked away.
Past, Potter Manour, August 1976, 6 months ago.
{Sirius’s POV}
I was in a muggle car that i bought.I was in front of the Potter manour.James somehow did find out i was taking drug such as Oxy.
People say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. What they don’t tell you is that your life can flash before your eyes while you’re alive, too—and it’s even worse than death.It’s been twenty minutes since I took four oxycodone.
Twenty.
And my head is finally spinning and floating.A grin stretches my face, but I can barely feel it. Everything is so fucking numb—just how I want it. There’s no reason in particular as to why I chase the high—or low—except that I like the way it feels. One day, I woke up not an addict, and by the end of that same day, I was one.
The second that numbing sensation took over my body, I knew it was over. It was exactly what I had been yearning for my entire life. All the anxious thoughts in my brain disappeared—every single fucking bad thought I had ever had…it was just gone.
The nagging feeling that I’m missing out on so much more is always there. I’ve lost the people who matter the most to me, mostly friends. But if I had to pick the person I miss the most, it would be Remus, my boyfriend. He immediately noticed when I started using, and he gave me an ultimatum. In the end, I couldn’t choose. Him or Oxy. Oxy or him. I didn’t have it in me to pick. I’m not going to stick around to watch you kill yourself.
Those words still echo in my ears every time I swallow a couple of pills, but the thing about the drugs is that they drown out those silly little evil fucking thoughts—the ones where I acknowledge that he might be right. And he is, I know that. But I don’t want to do anything about it.It’s the end of my NEWT year right now, and I’m not exactly a straight-A student, but I get by just fine.
My drug consumption isn’t affecting me as much as people think it is, and even though I pop pills multiple times a day, I can still function. I only ever get this high when I don’t have anything to do. And right now, as I rest my forehead against the steering wheel right in front of the house I should be spending my summer at—with my best friend—I’ve never wanted to stop those feelings more.
But that’s okay because Oxy always has my back, and right now, even my limbs are too numb for me to give a fuck about anything. My chest tightens as I straighten my body and drop my head back on the headrest of the car’s driver’s side seat, and my head spins as I try to open my eyes to no avail—one of my least favorite things about the Oxy.
Fuck.
Leaving my eyes closed, I try to focus on my breaths. In and…out…in…and…out. They’re coming so slowly, but I don’t mind it. My heart thumps at the same pace. However, it’s loud, like drums in my ears.In…out…in…out.
Tap, tap, tap.
I startle awake, although sluggishly. My body is moving in slow motion as I attempt to open the driver’s side door, but it falls to my side after a pathetic try. The smile that wants to make an appearance is not blooming, and it’s mostly because my face is so damn numb.
“Sirius!” The voice comes from a distance, and I somehow am able to unlock the door, even if I can’t get it open. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“E-Effie..” I try, but my lips aren’t moving. Did I say anything, or is it just my imagination? “James!” A shrill scream comes from my side. Why is everyone freaking out? “Help me!”
I’m fine.
“Padfoot?” James whispers in my ear, and this time, I manage to give a full smile. He always makes me smile. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Disappointing you—again.
“W-what’s wrong, Prongs?” I frown. Or at least I think i do.
“That’s it!” Euphemia barks. “I’m taking him to the hospital.”,“No!” I yell, but I can’t tell if they even hear me.“Put him on the passenger side,” she demands.“Fuck him,” James growls. “I don’t want anything to do with him right now. Just fucking look at him. Let him die, Mom. He’s been going down that road for a long fucking time.”
My stomach dips and swoops and falls.“Shut your fucking mouth, James Fleamont Potter,” his mom snaps. “And help me help him.” James quietly does as she says, helping me out of the driver’s seat. My feet drag across the concrete driveway, and I hold onto him for dear life. Right before we round the car, I see her distraught face. Her eyes are wide, and her lips are trembling, but I avert my gaze quickly. Her green eyes are the exact same shade as James’s, and I don’t want to think about that right now.
It feels like time is crawling by and simultaneously speeding up. When I’m in the passenger seat of my car, James puts my seatbelt on. “What were you thinking, Sirius?” He groans. “You really fucked up this time.”
“Sorry,” I whisper.
His thumb brushes my cheek, and I look into his blue eyes. They look so bright and clear, something I know mine are not. The warmth of his hand cupping my cheek gently makes me close my eyes and blink back tears. Goddamnit, I don’t know why this affects me so much.
“It’ll be okay.” He whispers back, and my eyes fly open. His smile is soft and reassuring, and I hold on to that. His eyes flash with some emotion I can’t pinpoint, but it feels warm and safe. It feels like old times, and I don’t want to get caught up in him right now.
“You will get help this time, padfoot.” I groan. “Don’t call me that.” James looks momentarily hurt, but I don’t think his pain comes close to mine. He made it more than clear that we were done, that the friendship between us was over. Taking a step back, he mutters. “Stop telling me what to do.”
I roll my eyes, or at least I think I do. Even the way he steps away from the vehicle is in slow motion, and my eyes are blurring so badly that I can barely see him as he puts some distance between us. Faintly, I hear the sound of his mother getting in the car and buckling her seatbelt. She pulls out of the driveway, the tires screeching in her haste, and I let my eyes fall closed.
“I’m so fucking disappointed in you, Sirius.” She growls. “This isn’t like you.”
“Yes, it is, Effie.” I sigh. “This is me now. You might want to start getting to know me.” ,“Fuck that.” Rain droplets begin to fall on the windshield, slow at first, then a little bit faster. The sound of her windshield wipers soothes me, and I smile a little, even though the situation definitely doesn’t call for it. “You’re getting help. You need help.”
“I don’t need shit,” I mutter. “Stop trying to control me. I’m an adult now.”,“The fuck you are.” She laughs loudly, but it doesn’t bother me—nothing does right now. She could yeet this car off a cliff and I’d be unbothered. “Look at how you’re acting, Sirius. Like a bratty little kid.”
“Your son tends to tell me I’m a brat.” I smirk. “Excuse me?”
Oh, shit.
Fuck.
“Nothing.” I wince when I feel the car skid a little. “E-Effie, be careful.”
“Yeah? Well, if it weren’t for you, we could be home right now.” She snaps. “I can’t fucking believe this right now. I can barely understand what you’re saying from how high you are.” The car skids again, but she doesn’t slow down. “First the thing you did to Remus and Severus, and now this!” She snaps again. “Where the fuck are we going? Why are you going so fast?”
“So I won’t change my mind!” She yells at me, and I cringe. Euphemia isn’t the kind of person who yells at her kids or anyone—nothing makes her yell. Not even during James’s biggest fuck-ups. So I know right now she’s at the end of her rope. I crossed a line. Even if I don’t know which one, it doesn’t matter, though.
She’s pissed. “Something is wrong with you. And I’m gonna fix it.”
“Slow down, Effie..” The car swerves to the right. “Effie!” We spin, and I finally open my eyes, looking at her as she attempts to maneuver the car to no avail. We spin, skid, and slide everywhere, the car jostling me around until my head slams against the window. But I can barely feel it, thanks to the pills.
“Sirius!” She screams. “Fuck!”, “Effie, watch out!” But it’s too late as we drive headfirst into a tree trunk.
The impact causes the airbags to deploy, but the sound of the ruined front of the car is loud in my ears. A sickening crunch fills the car, and when I look to the side, I see it’s Euphemia with her head twisted all wrong. Her eyes are open but unblinking, and her neck is turned at an awkward angle.
No.
“Effie?” I whisper. “Effie?!”
No, no, no.
“Effie!” I scream this time and hear it echo. My head suddenly throbs, and I lift a hand up to it and come back with sticky, dark red blood. It’s a dull ache, though, and I imagine it would hurt way more if I didn’t take so many painkillers. Trying to unbuckle my seatbelt, I realise I’m stuck. I’m fucking stuck and can’t do shit about it. My wand is broken.
I try to reach for the muggle phone with buttons in her back pocket, and when i got it i remembered James said the muggle emergency number was 911.After I dial 911, I hold my breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My friend and I crashed,” I slur. “Please help me.”
“Where are you?”
“I don’t know!” I cry out, tears streaming down my face. “I’m fucking stuck, and I think she’s dead. Please, please, hurry.” My hand trembles as I hang up, and I can barely hang onto the phone. No matter how much I try, I can’t shake the fog in my brain. My breaths and my heart are too slow. And there’s not even an adrenaline rush kicking in. Fuck, I shouldn’t have taken so many pills.
I’m so fucked up.
Self-loathing fills my veins, and I sob. If my best friend’s mom and my mother figure is dead…because of me…I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. There’s no choice but to join her. Take the easy way out since I’m not strong enough for the alternative. Living in a world without her is unfathomable.
My eyes close of their own accord yet again, and the next thing I know, I’m being pulled out of the car by a firefighter. I manage to open my eyelids through the heaviness, and he grimaces, carrying me to a stretcher. A warm liquid trails down my face, and I wipe it, then realize it’s blood. More and more blood.
“My friend..?” I ask, looking around frantically, the high fading quickly. Adrenaline rushes through my body, overpowering the high, and I’m suddenly desperate. My hands tremble as I look for her. Where is she? Where the fuck is she? “Effie!” I scream loudly until my voice breaks. “Effie!”
The firefighter puts me on the stretcher, and I sit straight up, looking around. But I don’t see her. I don’t fucking see her. They must have already taken her. She has to be on her way to the hospital.But he shakes his head, his lips thinning. “I’m sorry, kid.”
Sorry?
“For what?” I ask, “I’ll see her at the hospital, right?”
Silence.
“Right?”
“She didn’t make it.” He murmurs, squeezing my arm lightly. “I’m sorry.” My heart drops all the way down to my ass, and it feels like my chest squeezes until I can’t take in a deep breath. My hands tremble uncontrollably, and I squeeze my eyes shut.She didn’t make it.There’s no fucking way I lost her. No way that I’ll never hear her laugh again, or see her blue eyes crinkle with happiness. No way we won’t do Christmas movies and decorate cookies.
No fucking way.
And it’s all my fault.
She’s dead because of me.
But she can’t be dead, right? Because if she is, that means I’ve lost so much more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. That means the last thread keeping James and I together has officially been cut.
“No.” I shake my head. “No, no, no. It’s my fault. It’s my fucking fault.” The man doesn’t say anything, and instead wheels me to the ambulance. The trip to the hospital is a blur, and I mostly stare up at the white ceiling as we move through the roads at high speed, yet everything is in slow motion. I don’t understand why the sirens are on, I’m fine. But that doesn’t seem to matter to them.
Something about a head injury.
I guess that explains the blood.I seem to have closed my eyes yet again, seeing as the next time I open them I’m in a hospital room—with James sitting at the foot of the bed. Fuck—I must be more injured than I thought, because now my head is pounding to the beat of my heart.
But the way James is looking at me—with so much hatred in his eyes—is enough to sober me up the rest of the way. More than the sight of my dead stepmother. The only mother figure I’ve ever had. Because I’m just like my real mom. A fucking piece of sadistic shit. He shakes his head at me, his lips pinching. “How could you?” He whispers, and I flinch.
Tears trail down my face, and I open my mouth to apologise, to say something, but then it just snaps shut when he storms toward me and grabs me by the front of my hospital gown. “How fucking could you?!”
“I’m—” I close my eyes and force the words past trembling lips. “So sorry.” I can’t even bring myself to look at him, so I stare down at my hands.
“Fuck you and your apologies, Sirius.” I wince at my name coming from his perfect lips. He never calls me that. It’s always Siri or Padfoot. What the fuck did you expect? “I hate you.” Crying out, I grab onto his arms, tightening my grip the closer he brings me to his face. Our foreheads touch, and he rests his against mine.
“No, please.” I whimper. “You don’t mean it.”,“You’ve ruined—everything,” he growls, and his soothing scent fills my nostrils. Citrus. But it’s not supposed to be soothing right now. I fucked up. “How could you do this to me? To us?”
There is no us.
You made that crystal clear, James.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper hoarsely. “I wish I could take it all back—I’m sorry!”
“Fuck.” He lets go of my gown. “You.” Just when I think he’s going to walk away, he cocks his fist back and hits me right in the eye. I feel my skin split open from his ring,and I cry out. But he just pulls his fist back and hits my jaw, too. I see red—literally. All I see is blood pouring over my eye, and he becomes blurry again. But I can feel his fury and grief in waves.
He doesn’t have to say anything for me to know that he’s never going to talk to me again. I’ve been able to read him like an open book for years now, ever since we became one. There was a shift a few years ago.One where he started being more affectionate and loving towards me—and not in the way brothers are.
He started calling me baby and then coming into my room in the middle of the night to…well, it doesn’t matter now.
It’s over.All of it.
“I fucking hate you!” he screams. “You’re fucking dead to me!” And then he leaves me behind, slamming the door shut. And my heart breaks all over again”
Now i actually hate myself.For both being a fucking idiot and killing my best friend’s mom, the one who was my only mother figure.it was the last fucking streak.I wanted to kill myself once i came out of the hospital.I didn’t deserve to be alive after what i did.