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Dick walks into the parlour, blinks, and steps out again. He takes a moment to contemplate if he really had just seen what he thinks he has. He pinches himself but nothing changes, so not a dream. He opens the door again. The scene has not changed.
Standing across from each other, Talia and Bruce are in a screaming match that is switching between Arabic and English and what Dick is sure is a third language he doesn’t know too quickly for him to understand a single word being said. Every few seconds, Talia slams a knife into the coffee table between them, seemingly to punctuate her point, but she has done it so many times that there is now at least a couple dozen marks in the wood.
Lounging on an armchair is Jason, legs thrown over one arm and head resting on the other while Damian sits at the foot of the chair, stroking Alfred the cat. Both look completely unbothered by any of the screaming.
“Why are B and Damian’s mother fighting?” Dick asks, directing the question towards Jason as he makes his way over. The adults don’t even seem to have noticed him.
“Custody,” Jason says, like that explains anything. More loudly, he adds, “Do I get a say in any of this?”
Bruce and Talia whip around to face him. Dick can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that it is terrifying the intensity on both of their faces.
“No.”
“Absolutely not.”
Jason throws his hands in the air. “I am nineteen. That’s a whole ass adult.”
Bruce makes a noise that could generously be called a scoff while Talia puts her hands on her hips.
“No.”
They instantly return to arguing and Jason lets out a long-suffering sigh.
“Mother tried to take me from my school,” Damian reveals, acknowledging Dick for the first time since he entered the room.
Dick sits down next to him and takes a very, very deep breath.
“What?”
“Then she took Todd from crime alley,” Damian continues, still petting Alfred.
“And then...”
“Dad found out and now.” Jason waves a hand in the adult’s direction. Dick couldn’t help but smile at Jason’s casual address of Bruce he had used seemingly without realising.
“Father believes mother is not a fit parent because of my upbringing.” Damian is frowning now, eyes firmly fixed on Alfred. “Mother says that it has no say on her proficiency as a parent.”
“...Right.” Dick was very much on Bruce’s side in that argument, but even he couldn’t ignore how Damian and, to a lesser extent, Jason viewed Talia as their mother.
Jason snorts, clearly not convinced by Dick’s attempts at neutrality.
“-KIDNAPPED THEM!” Bruce yells, one of the first things Dick understands.
“I WOULDN’T HAVE TO IF YOU LET ME SEE THEM!”
“YOU-”
Before Bruce can continue whatever he was going to say, Talia reaches over the table, grabs Bruce’s shirt in one hand and yanks him into a kiss.
Dick looks away while Jason gags.
“Don’t try to distract me!”
“Don’t be so easily distracted!”
“If you need to kiss me, you must be losing your touch.”
“Whoever doesn’t know an eagle, grill it.”
Dick is left blinking rapidly at that.
“It makes more sense in Arabic,” Jason says.
“I’ll take your word for it,” Dick mutters.
It takes what seems like hours but must only be about half an hour for Bruce and Talia to come to a tentative agreement.
“I want them for the holidays,” Talia says, crossing her arms.
“Absolutely not. This is Duke’s first Christmas.” Bruce shuts that down quickly.
“Well, I suppose I’m just going to have to come here then,” Talia sniffs.
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
The two scribble their signatures onto the contract they have written because apparently, they are just extra like that even though it is obvious one of them will break it within the month. Probably Talia. But Bruce isn't off the table either.
“Peace and joy returns to the world,” Jason mutters.
“Shut your mouth, Todd,” Damian snaps.
“Please, no, don’t do this to me,” Dick begs. “I refuse to sit through another shouting match.”
“Dick?” Bruce asks, finally looking at him. “When did you get here?”
Jason and Damian snicker while Dick just sighs.