Archive of Our Own

—

now

—

“No way!” Maki bursts out.

“Two concert tours?” Yudai asks. “Really?”

“Two! That’s sick!” Taki crows gleefully over top of Jo excitedly asking, “With a full setlist?”

“This is gonna be so fun,” Harua enthuses.

“Where are we going? What venues?” Yuma asks.

Amidst the chaos of the members exclaiming and the staff’s laughing attempts to get them to calm down and listen to the details, Nicholas's eyes find Euijoo's. A helpless smile spreads across his face, reflected in the excited spark in Euijoo's eyes.

Nicholas loves every aspect of his job, but he's like most idols in that touring is his favourite. Of course that’s because performing to crowds of LUNÉ is a high like no other, but if he's honest, it's also because of the moments in between. It's especially because of the moments he's spent with Euijoo.

Euijoo tilts his head slightly, the corner of his lips curling up, and Nicholas can tell he's thinking the same thing. It takes Nicholas straight back to the night after their second fantour show in Yokohama. Euijoo had the exact same smug, anticipating expression on his face when he took Nicholas’s hand and pulled him down the hotel hallway, insisting he had something to show him.

It turned out that Euijoo had found the way up to the roof of their hotel. The view of the city skyline lit up in dazzling dots of light was beautiful, but Nicholas mostly remembers the way Euijoo looked at him. He remembers the curve of Euijoo’s cheek resting in his palm, Euijoo’s hands on his hips pulling him close, the cool early summer night air silent and still around them. He especially remembers the way Euijoo nervously sucked his lower lip between his teeth before saying, “Yixiang-ah, you know I love you, right?”

Nicholas knew. They’d been dating for six months at that point, and while he appreciated Euijoo’s flair for the romantic, Nicholas didn’t need to hear it out loud. He felt it every time they stole moments together—tucking themselves into corners of empty practice rooms, walking around a new neighbourhood in whatever city they were in, hiding in alcoves of hotel hallways with the ice machine making suspect noises next to them.

Across the conference room table, Nicholas raises an eyebrow at Euijoo and then winks. Euijoo’s cheeks colour even as he gives Nicholas a warning look. Nicholas grins back unapologetically. Euijoo huffs and looks deliberately at the list of venues the staff is showing them. Nicholas can tell he’s holding back a smile.

Nicholas can’t wait to find out what moments they’re going to steal together next. It’s sappy as hell, but that’s how Nicholas always feels about Euijoo.

Nicholas knows these concert tours will be a whole different beast. They’re coming on top of a slated four comebacks, an in-house variety show, and a host of other appearances he’s sure weren’t included in today’s meeting. They’re going to be busier than they’ve ever been, and maybe that should be scary or stressful. But Nicholas has always thrived on his work. All this news does is fire him up.

Maybe Nicholas would be worried if he knew how things were going to turn out. Maybe he would make them talk about what being so busy will mean for them and their relationship. Maybe it would make a difference.

But he doesn’t. Instead, all Nicholas does is bump his shoulder against Euijoo’s as they’re leaving the conference room. This time, Euijoo flashes him a broad smile, the kind that always makes Nicholas’s heart skip.

Yeah, there’s nowhere but up from here. Nicholas can feel it.

—

then

—

Euijoo disconnected and reconnected his phone to the Bluetooth speaker for what felt like the hundredth time. When he hit play, there was nothing but silence. He huffed quietly at his phone. It said paired. What else was he supposed to do?

What was Euijoo even doing here? How was he ever going to debut when he couldn’t even figure out a speaker? Every second he spent not practicing was a second that could be the difference between making it onto the I-Land or being sent to Ground. He needed this to work. Failing that, he needed to go home and forget all of this. That was feeling like it would be a lot easier.

Euijoo gritted his teeth and tried again. Still nothing. He sunk down into a crouching position, pausing and unpausing the music like that would make a difference, willing it to work. Somewhere between one tap and the next, music started to play, and Euijoo jumped back to his feet, heart leaping with excitement. Finally.

But the song wasn’t the one he was trying to play, and when he looked back down at his phone, his music was paused. Realization dawned on him, and with it a different sense of relief. He must have connected to the wrong speaker, and someone else was connected to his. At least that was a problem he knew how to solve.

Euijoo threw open the door to his practice room, walking with purpose into the hallway, only to stop dead in his tracks when he made eye contact with another contestant. They both startled, stepping backward, and then froze before they remembered themselves at the same time and hurriedly bowed.

Neither of them said anything for a long moment when they straightened back up. Euijoo found himself distracted by the boy’s eyes, by the delicate and imposing features of his face. This was a boy so pretty he was meant to be an idol, a boy so pretty it was intimidating. Euijoo was grateful they weren’t allowed to talk to each other, because he suddenly had no idea what he would say if they could. His tongue felt thick in his mouth, his heart beating hard in his chest.

The pretty boy didn’t seem to have the same problem. “Annyeonghaseyo,” he said, the word lilting with an accent Euijoo didn’t recognize.

Euijoo shook his head. Of course this guy would be a rulebreaker. He looked like one. But even though there was no one around and a slim chance any video footage of the hallway would be reviewed, Euijoo wasn’t about to risk it.

Euijoo held up his phone instead, glancing pointedly back into his practice room. The other boy nodded, holding up his own phone and taking a step closer to Euijoo. Euijoo shied backward, and the boy stopped, raising his eyebrows. Euijoo immediately felt stupid. He matched the boy’s step, coming closer to see that the boy was pointing to the name of the speaker he was connected to on his screen. Euijoo nodded and showed him the same thing on his own phone. The boy nodded.

Euijoo nodded again. They were like two bobblehead dolls, nodding endlessly at each other. Euijoo almost laughed aloud at the thought. He took a step back instead, bowing again. The boy mirrored him and then shuffled backward without taking his eyes off Euijoo. Euijoo watched as he disappeared into his practice room, the door closing with a soft click. He blinked, realizing he was staring at a closed door, and quickly turned to go back into his own room, unpairing his phone and pairing it to the speaker name the boy had showed him as he went.

The encounter shouldn’t have been anything to write home about. Euijoo didn’t know then that the boy was Nicholas, and that Nicholas would be a huge part of his future. He should have been able to forget the whole thing easily. But it was so awkward it lingered in Euijoo’s mind, the small smile Nicholas flashed him before the door closed vivid in his mind’s eye when he was trying to sleep that night.

Their interactions only got more awkward, even once they knew each other’s names. For a while, the only thing Euijoo ever heard Nicholas say to him was annyeonghaseyo, accompanied every time by a nod that Euijoo would return along with an echoed greeting, thinking all the while of bobbleheads. It never felt like an invitation—only ever an acknowledgement. Euijoo was content with that. Something about Nicholas scared him, and he didn’t want to examine it.

Euijoo only realized in retrospect that it was an invitation when, after they were finally allowed to talk to each other, Nicholas approached him and asked, “Do you want some chocolate?” At the time, Euijoo didn’t know that the way Nicholas’s eyes crinkled meant he was smiling under his mask or that the chocolate he was holding out was an offering carefully considered after weeks of wanting to get closer to his same-age friend but never having the opportunity.

All he knew was that Nicholas looked intimidating in his beanie and mask, and his first stupid thought was that the chocolate might be something dangerous, and he was shaking his head and saying, “No, I don’t,” before he could think anything else.

He was observant enough to notice that Nicholas looked a little hurt by the rejection, but not emotionally mature enough to do anything about it. Maybe it would have turned into one of his regrets if things hadn’t turned out the way they did. Maybe he would have carried that slight guilt with him. Maybe he would have wondered what if.

But he didn’t have to. The awkwardness between them wasn’t forever. It was just the beginning.

—

now

—

It’s not like things go wrong right away. In fact, for a while, the year passes exactly like Nicholas predicted it would: busy and difficult sometimes, but fun nonetheless. He’s so caught up in it all that he doesn’t notice that anything is off with Euijoo until he’s in the middle of it.

After weeks of back-to-back schedules, they finally get a lull: a half day off while the rest of the members are in Osaka. Nicholas has been looking forward to this for what feels like forever. He has it all planned out. Euijoo is going to love it.

They’re waiting outside the recording studio for their manager to pull the car around. Nicholas lifts the vlog camera, mentally composing what he’s going to say about where they’re going. He’s about to hit record when Euijoo looks up and says, “You’re bringing that?”

Nicholas pauses, lowering the camera slightly. “The camera?”

Euijoo nods.

“Yeah,” Nicholas says, perplexed by the question. It seems obvious, but Euijoo is staring blankly at him, so he adds, “For my tour vlog?”

“Right,” Euijoo says. “Of course. Okay.”

Their ride arrives at that moment, and Nicholas doesn’t have a chance to turn the camera on until they’re on their way. Euijoo waves to LUNÉ when Nicholas does, greeting them happily. Nicholas forgets the weird exchange entirely.

The day is exactly as much fun as Nicholas was expecting. Euijoo is adorable with the shibas at the café, and they both go in on trash talking each other at the batting center. Euijoo’s laugh keeps making Nicholas’s chest feel warm with contentment, and he keeps turning on the camera to try to capture the moment. He wants to show LUNÉ how happy Euijoo makes him. It’s not the same as being able to share that they’re dating, but it’s something.

Euijoo is a little quieter than usual all day, but Nicholas has always been able to talk enough for both of them, and he figures Euijoo must be tired. He doesn’t register it as strange until they’re in the van on the way back home. Euijoo is staring out the window moodily in a way that can’t possibly have anything to do with his childhood turtles that died too soon. Now that Nicholas is thinking about it…maybe it wasn’t about the turtles the way Euijoo claimed it was earlier, either.

Shit. Nicholas should have picked up on this sooner.

He waits until they’re out of the car to say anything, tugging Euijoo to the side in the courtyard of the building. “What’s up?” Euijoo asks as he follows.

“That’s what I wanted to ask you,” Nicholas says. It’s late enough that no one is hanging around outside, but Nicholas lowers his voice anyway. “Why do you look upset?”

“Oh, no, I’m not,” Euijoo says, shaking his head. “It’s nothing.”

Nicholas gives him a doubtful look. “It doesn’t look like nothing.”

Euijoo shakes his head again, but after another second of Nicholas staring him down, he relents. “Okay, it’s not a big deal. It’s just, um. I don’t know why you agreed to take a camera with us today? We were supposed to have time for us.”

Nicholas furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean? We did. Didn’t we?”

Euijoo gives him a sidelong look, nose crinkling with annoyance. “Not really? It wasn’t…I mean, it’s like you brought LUNÉ on our date. That’s not time for us.”

“What?” Nicholas asks, still thrown. He doesn’t see how bringing LUNÉ makes the date any less of a date. “But the camera wasn’t always on. We didn’t film dinner at all.”

“Sure, but we were always thinking about it,” Euijoo says. “Or at least, I was. It’s hard to relax when I’m going to have to be on at a moment’s notice.”

Oh. Nicholas doesn’t really get it, but he knows Euijoo approaches the fan relationship differently from him. It’s not like Nicholas doesn’t keep things to himself, but Euijoo thinks and overthinks about sharing things Nicholas would consider inconsequential. Nicholas should have thought of that.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t think of it like that.”

Euijoo sighs. “I know, Nico-yah,” he says. “It’s fine. I had fun today, thank you for planning it. It’s just… Weren’t we going to see a movie and get dinner?”

Nicholas frowns. “Yeah, but…” He trails off, the rest of his sentence unspoken. They tossed that idea around ages ago, and Nicholas ultimately discarded it because it wouldn’t make for good content. But of course he shouldn’t have been thinking about time with Euijoo as content at all. He should have been thinking about what Euijoo wanted to do, and of course Euijoo would want to do something lowkey where they could hold each other’s hands in the dark.

Euijoo is trying to cover it, but Nicholas can see the disappointment in his eyes. He feels like he’s been punched in the stomach with how badly he fucked this up. “We can still do that,” he says. “We can—”

“We can’t,” Euijoo interrupts. “It’s so late, the protocol team will kill us if we don’t get inside soon.”

“We’ll do it next time,” Nicholas says, feeling more desperate to fix this the more it sinks in that he can’t.

“Sure, next time. Six months from now,” Euijoo says. He winces at his own sarcasm. “Sorry.”

Nicholas can’t argue with that. Six months is an exaggeration, but not that big of one. “No, I’m sorry, Juju,” he says. “I fucked up.”

“It’s really okay,” Euijoo says. “I mean it, I had fun. I’m just tired. Let’s go to bed, okay?”

It doesn’t feel okay, but Nicholas doesn’t know what else to do. He takes Euijoo at his word.

—

then

—

There wasn’t one particular moment Euijoo could pinpoint where he truly became friends with Nicholas. It happened slower than that, over the course of months of sweating next to each other during dance practices, of watching Nicholas fit in with everyone he met like it was breathing and wishing he knew how to do the same, of snapping at each other because it was safe with your same-age friend that you didn’t even get along with anyway, of sitting next to each other in silent apology and understanding.

There was no particular moment, but there were highlights. The first time Euijoo realized he thought more similarly to Nicholas than he could have guessed, they were assigned to the same room at a training camp full of I-LAND rejects. Their choreographer sent them all away after practice with a box of fried chicken per room—it was supposed to be a reward for a day’s good work, but Euijoo thought she probably just felt sorry for them all.

He’d still never had a full conversation with Nicholas, a trend that had continued despite sleeping four feet away from each other for the past two nights. It seemed like they were going to keep it up even as they sat down on the floor between their beds, Nicholas placing the box of chicken between them and Euijoo handing him a napkin and chopsticks. Nicholas nodded in thanks and Euijoo nodded back. Bobbleheads.

Nicholas didn’t move to eat the chicken, sitting in disconcerting stillness instead, so Euijoo took it upon himself to start. He wasn’t hungry, too caught up in all the mistakes he made today and still brooding over being eliminated from I-LAND, but they couldn’t afford to turn down free meat.

Nicholas followed Euijoo’s lead, sticking a piece of chicken in his mouth and chewing as he picked up another one with his chopsticks and stared at it. After a moment, he swallowed and said into the silence, “This is pity chicken, isn’t it.”

Euijoo couldn’t help it: he snorted, startled by Nicholas voicing his exact thoughts. “Yeah,” he said. “Major pity chicken.”

Nicholas wrinkled his nose. “It’s nice of seonsaengnim, but I wish she wouldn’t.”

“Really?” Euijoo said, surprised. Nicholas never seemed to him like the kind of person to think too hard about a gift, regardless of its motivations.

“I’d rather actually earn it,” Nicholas said. “Wouldn’t you?”

Euijoo nodded. “It feels kinda cheap,” he said. “But she probably didn’t mean it like that.”

“Probably not,” Nicholas agreed. He finally put the chicken he’d been staring at in his mouth and chewed slowly, tilting his head thoughtfully. “And it’s pretty good.”

“Yeah,” Euijoo said, picking up another piece. “We shouldn’t complain.”

Nicholas sighed, inhaling and exhaling long and slow. He opened his mouth, shut it like he’d thought better, and then opened it like he couldn’t help it. “Isn’t that all you want to do sometimes?”

Euijoo stared at him, unsure whether to take offence. Had he acted particularly negative in front of Nicholas? That couldn’t be good.

“It’s just, it’s all I want to do sometimes,” Nicholas continued. “Sometimes I just want to scream. Or go home. Or both.”

Euijoo kept staring, but this time in amazement that Nicholas could just say that. Of course Euijoo felt like that, but he would never say so. Even with Nicholas looking at him with an almost pleading expression, Euijoo couldn’t get himself to say it aloud. He nodded instead, and even that felt like too much.

It seemed to appease Nicholas, though. He took another piece of chicken, and they steadily ate in silence for another minute.

“Do you think you’ll debut?” Nicholas asked. “Like, do you think you’ll stick around until you do?”

Euijoo balked. He shoved a particularly large piece of chicken in his mouth to delay having to answer. It was simultaneously the only relevant question for trainees to ask each other and one they never did. It was insane of Nicholas to be leading with it in their first real conversation.

“Do you think you will?” Euijoo said when he’d finally swallowed his chicken.

Euijoo was expecting a confident yes, so he nearly dropped his chopsticks when Nicholas looked away and said quietly, “I dunno.”

“What?” Euijoo blurted out.

“I don’t know,” Nicholas repeated, enunciating the words clearly this time like he thought Euijoo hadn’t understood him. “I think we all have a breaking point, and we just have to hope we don’t hit it before we get to the finish line. You know?”

“Okay,” Euijoo said doubtfully, “since when are you a philosopher?”

Nicholas burst out laughing. “I’m not!” he protested. “I’m being serious!”

“You sound like a motivational quote,” Euijoo said. “And you’re crazy if you don’t think you’ll debut. Don’t patronize me, Nicholas ssi.”

“No, no, no,” Nicholas said, still laughing. Nicholas’s whole face transformed when he laughed, so open and bright that Euijoo couldn’t help giggling a little too. “I really wasn’t trying to. I’m just…” He waved his chopsticks in the air. “Feeling weird tonight. Ignore me.”

“You sure you’re not weird every night?” Euijoo teased, gratified when Nicholas laughed again.

“Honestly, that’s fair,” Nicholas said.

Euijoo laughed. Nicholas kept surprising him. It made Euijoo want to try to be more open with him, like Nicholas so clearly wanted him to be.

“I’m going to try my best to stick around,” Euijoo said. “I think my debut will come eventually. You can’t think it won’t or it won’t, right? It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“A…prophecy?” Nicholas repeated, eyebrows furrowing.

“Um, prediction?” Euijoo offered. “Future guess?”

“Ah!” Nicholas said, and then he added something in English. Euijoo frowned, and Nicholas tapped something into his phone before looking up and repeating in Korean, “You have to manifest.”

Euijoo laughed again. “Yeah,” he said. “You have to manifest.”

“That’s good to remember,” Nicholas said sincerely. “Thank you, Euijoo ssi.”

Euijoo shrugged off the compliment. “You don’t have to call me that,” he said. It felt too weird to rest on formality when they were literally sitting on the floor eating chicken and saying the quiet parts out loud.

Nicholas frowned in confusion. “What would I…oh! Oh. Euijoo-yah?”

Euijoo hummed. Nicholas didn’t quite have the pronunciation right, but his surprise was too cute to be picky about it right now. “Yah, Nico,” he said.

“Or Yixiang,” Nicholas prompted. “If you want.”

“Yixiang-ah,” Euijoo repeated carefully. He fished a piece of chicken out of the corner of the box and asked, “Got any more weird questions for me?”

It turned out that once you got Nicholas talking, it was hard to get him to stop. They didn’t get to sleep until hours later. Euijoo couldn’t bring himself to regret it.

That was Euijoo’s first glimpse of Nicholas’s weird side, and the more time they spent together, the more Euijoo realized that Nicholas was more of a dork than his carefully maintained image would ever betray. He was always the first to laugh at Euijoo’s jokes, even when they were objectively stupid. Sometimes they’d make eye contact across the room when one of their teachers said something, and Nicholas would communicate a million unspoken judgments just by widening his eyes slightly. Euijoo would have to bite his tongue so he didn’t laugh aloud.

Euijoo couldn’t help but notice that Nicholas could be sweet sometimes, too. He wasn’t an overt mood-maker, but he would deliberately pull focus by acting silly when another trainee needed the spotlight off them. More than once, Euijoo watched Nicholas buy extra snacks with his own money and then give them all away to the other trainees without touching any of it himself.

But even though the myth of Scary Nicholas had been thoroughly debunked, Euijoo still felt weird around him, as if he was threatening in some way. It made sense, because even though they’d already been eliminated from a survival show, they were still trainees competing to debut. Nicholas was an obvious choice, so of course Euijoo felt a little threatened.

Besides, Euijoo thought, it was better not to get too attached to anyone. He didn’t examine how Yudai and Riki and Kyungmin never made him feel that way, even though they were just as talented as Nicholas.

The first time Euijoo realized he was going to be with Nicholas for a long time, the day started out like any other. He had a full schedule: vocal lessons first thing, lunch, free time that Euijoo would probably spend in the gym, an unspecified meeting in the mid-afternoon that was sure to be some type of boring company-mandated webinar, and dance practice until late.

It passed as normal until the meeting. Euijoo could tell immediately it wasn’t the webinar he was expecting from the number of important senior management members in the room. Yudai, Riki, Nicholas, and Kyungmin were all there, too, lined up on one side of the conference table as if ready for their execution. Maybe that’s what this was. Maybe they were all going home.

It wasn’t. It was the opposite: the company wanted them to debut. The twist was that they wanted them to debut in Japan. They knew this would be a big shift, and they would support the non-Japanese trainees through it, and by the way, you’d be on another survival show to decide the rest of the members, but this time in-house. And don’t even worry about it being a Japanese debut, because this would be a global group, anyway; see, look at these projected growth plans! It would be a really good opportunity for them. But no need to say yes now—of course this was a lot of information, so deciding tomorrow would be fine.

Euijoo’s head was spinning. He stared at the PowerPoint the project manager was showing them blankly. He was going to debut. Maybe. If he learned more than five words of Japanese.

“I don’t have to think about it,” Yudai said. “I’m in.”

“Me neither,” Riki said. “I want to debut.”

That wasn’t a surprise. It wasn’t the original plan, but it wouldn’t be hard to pivot to being in a Japan-based group when that’s where you were born. Euijoo wasn’t so sure. How would he—

“I’m in, too,” Nicholas said.

Everyone turned to look at him. Some of the management team nodded, satisfied, while a couple looked surprised. “Are you sure?” one of their protocol team asked. “You really can think this over. There’s time. There will be other opportunities.”

Nicholas shook his head. Euijoo was sure Nicholas heard the way ‘will be’ meant ‘could be, but probably not’ just as loudly as Euijoo could. “I think this sounds fun,” he said. “I’m ready.”

“Me, too,” Euijoo said, surprising himself.

Nicholas whipped his head around to look at Euijoo. Euijoo caught the excitement on his face in the second before he smoothed it into something more subtle and professional. Euijoo’s heart skipped—nerves, probably. This was going to be something totally new for all of them. It would be strange not to be even tacitly competing, to be a team instead. He wouldn't be able to keep a careful distance between himself and Nicholas anymore, and what would that be like?

He thought maybe it would be fun, like Nicholas said. Terrifying, for sure. But fun, too. Besides, he couldn't take it back now, and he didn't want to.

Kyungmin asked a few questions, but in the end he agreed as well. The management team all looked pleased that their plans were falling into place. Euijoo understood the feeling.

“Thank you so much for the opportunity,” Euijoo said. “What are our next steps?”

—

now

—

They’re home late enough after their music video shoot that it’s more like early morning. They were shooting a dance scene, so all of them are exhausted. Half the members are draped across the living room furniture, waiting their turn in the cycle of showers and night-time routines. Nicholas is in the middle of the couch, head in Euijoo’s lap and feet over Taki’s lap. He’d be passed out if it wasn’t for his stomach growling at him, but he doesn’t want to move.

“Okay,” he says to motivate himself, launching himself up and off the couch in one movement in case taking it slower makes him give up instead. “I’m gonna grab a snack from the kitchen. Want anything?”

He glances around at the various members in the room as they look up and wave him off. His eyes come to rest on Euijoo. He’s looking up at Nicholas, his bangs falling into his face, and he looks so soft and cute that Nicholas wants to kiss him all over.

“Water?” Euijoo asks.

“Of course,” Nicholas says. He gives in and leans down to drop a kiss on Euijoo’s upturned face, only for Euijoo to turn his head at the last second. Nicholas’s lips land firmly on his cheek.

Nicholas can’t help the stab in his chest at the reminder of a time when Euijoo always turned his face away when Nicholas tried to kiss him. He pulls back too quickly for his own liking, beelining out of the room without looking at Euijoo again. He feels embarrassed, and that makes him feel stupid. He shouldn’t be embarrassed about trying to kiss his own boyfriend.

This isn’t the first time Euijoo’s shied away from Nicholas in front of the members, and Nicholas can’t figure out why. It can’t be that Euijoo is scared of his own feelings anymore, and it’s not like the members don’t already know. The worst they’d get is a pillow thrown at their heads.

Nicholas takes his time eating his protein bar and filling Euijoo’s water glass. He thinks he’s calmed down until he goes back into the living room and, after handing over the water, sits down next to Euijoo. He’s nervous all over again. He wants to curl into Euijoo’s side, but what if Euijoo doesn’t like that, either?

Nicholas decides to do it anyway. Euijoo shifts to accommodate him easily, putting an arm around Nicholas’s shoulders like it’s nothing. Because it is. Nicholas hates that it even occurred to him to hesitate. It’s too much like it used to be, when he always had to hold himself back from Euijoo, to be careful that he didn’t go too far and scare him off. He thought they were past that.

He stews in his emotions long enough that it’s Yuma’s turn for the shower before it gets to be too much. “I’m gonna go lie down,” Nicholas decides. He’s clearly too tired if he’s this in his feelings. “Someone get me when it’s my shower.”

The members make noises of acknowledgement. To Nicholas’s surprise, Euijoo gets up as well, murmuring a “Same,” to the room before trailing after Nicholas into their room.

Euijoo closes the door behind them and reaches for Nicholas. Nicholas lets himself be pulled in, to settle his body against Euijoo’s in the middle of the room. He thought he needed distance from Euijoo, but this feels good, too. It’s even better when Euijoo kisses him, soft and questioning. Nicholas answers by letting himself melt into it, walking Euijoo backward until he has him pressed up against the door, deepening the kiss into something more intense.

Euijoo matches him, tongue licking into Nicholas’s mouth. Nicholas takes comfort in that, in the way Euijoo arches his body up against Nicholas’s, the way he clearly still wants him. Nicholas lets his hands wander, slipping underneath Euijoo’s shirt to explore his skin at the same time as he presses his thigh between Euijoo’s legs.

Euijoo gasps into his mouth, and Nicholas smiles into the kiss. He undoes the button of Euijoo’s jeans, and Euijoo pulls back. “Wait,” he says, breathless and flushed, his head dropping back against the door so his neck is on display. Nicholas wants to mark him up so badly. “Do we have time for that right now?”

Nicholas’s stomach flips, and he reluctantly moves his hands away. “I guess not,” he admits. His gaze drops to Euijoo’s kissed-pink lips. “But we can still…”

Euijoo nods eagerly, pulling Nicholas back in by the back of his head and kissing him deep and dirty. Nicholas kisses him back, trying to let the tacit rejection go. Clearly it’s not that Euijoo doesn’t want to, not when he’s still kissing Nicholas like this. But it doesn’t feel right. Even when Nicholas was too scared to tell Euijoo how he felt with his words, he could tell him through touch. Now Euijoo won't even let him do that?

“Sorry,” Nicholas says, pulling away from the kiss and leaning back. “Hold on. You didn’t want to kiss me and now you don’t want to get each other off?”

Euijoo blinks at him, caught off guard. “What?”

“We used to take every single opportunity we had,” Nicholas says. “So why not now?”

Euijoo blows a piece of hair out of his eyes. “When did I not want to kiss you?”

Nicholas takes a step back. Euijoo’s hands slip out of his hair and dangle awkwardly by his sides. “Uh, in the living room? Just now?”

Euijoo frowns, a valley appearing in the space between his eyebrows. “In front of everyone? The members don’t need to see that.”

The dismissive way Euijoo says it grates, and Nicholas snaps, all of his built up frustration bursting out of him at once. “Why not? I wasn’t going to fuck you in front of them. Apparently I’m not even going to fuck you in private. Do you even like me anymore?”

Euijoo’s mouth drops open in shock. He stands up straight, adjusting his skewed clothes. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Nicholas’s stomach is churning, his chest hot with anger. He swallows, trying to get ahold of himself, and fails. He wishes he hadn’t said that, but when he says, “Sorry,” it comes out flat.

Euijoo reaches for Nicholas’s hand. Nicholas lets him take it even though the touch is anything but comforting. “Nico-yah, of course I like you,” Euijoo says, as if it’s stupid that Nicholas even thought he didn’t. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just late, and we have another day of shooting tomorrow, and I thought we should—”

“Just go to bed?” Nicholas interrupts. He snaps his mouth shut and shakes his head. Everything Euijoo said is reasonable. He came in here in the first place because he knew he was being too emotional. “Yeah. Sure.”

He tries to pull his hand out of Euijoo’s, but Euijoo’s grip tightens. “No, wait. Why are you so upset about this?”

Nicholas tries to figure out how to put it into words, but he can’t make them line up right in his head, especially not in Korean. Euijoo loses patience and huffs.

“It just seems like a bit much when you’re the one who never says no to a single schedule, and then all the time we have together is five minutes before we have to shower and go to bed,” he says, accusing. “That’s not enough.”

That stings. “It’s better than nothing,” Nicholas shoots back. “I know I fucked up our date last month, but I thought you said it was okay. Why does it feel like I’m still being punished for it?”

Euijoo scoffs. “It’s not like that,” he says. “But how can five minutes be better than nothing?”

This time when Nicholas yanks his hand out of Euijoo’s, Euijoo lets him. “Why the hell wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t know,” Euijoo says, rolling his eyes. “Maybe because you’re my boyfriend, not my fuck buddy?”

“If I’m your boyfriend, I should be able to kiss you and not feel like it’s a secret!” Nicholas says, voice raised in spite of himself.

“It’s not!” Euijoo says, matching his volume. “And what do you mean by if?”

“Nothing! I just miss you!”

“Well, I miss you, too! What the hell do you expect me to do about it?”

The bedroom door opens, and both of them jump, heads snapping over to see Yudai leaning into the room, an unimpressed look on his face. “Everyone can hear you. You’re freaking out the children,” he says, dry. “And I’m taking your spot in the shower queue, Nico. Since you’re busy.”

He levels them with a long, meaningful look before closing the door with a resounding click. They both stare at the closed door for a beat too long before looking back at each other. The silence hangs between them, heavy and accusing. Nicholas feels nauseous with regret and indignation at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” Euijoo says. “You’re right. It shouldn’t be a big deal if you kiss me in front of them.”

The indignation subsides a little, and Nicholas reaches his hand out. “You’re right, too,” he says, and Euijoo tangles their fingers together. “Five minutes is a pretty pathetic amount of quality time.”

Euijoo huffs a laugh. Nicholas pulls him into a hug and hides his face in Euijoo’s neck, breathing in the familiar scent of sweat and woody perfume. It’s comforting. It reminds Nicholas that they’re still them. Even when they’re mad enough to yell at each other, he knows Euijoo would never try to hurt him on purpose.

“I just…I don’t like when we feel distant,” Euijoo says into Nicholas’s shoulder. He breathes out shakily. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Nicholas says, hugging Euijoo harder before pulling back to look him in the face. “We’ll figure this out.”

“Promise?”

Maybe Nicholas’s confidence is misplaced, but he can’t help but have it anyway. He nods. “Promise.”

—

then

—

Euijoo didn’t know exactly when he became friends with Nicholas, but—as was the nature of these things—he knew exactly when they became something else.

They were assigned as roommates again, this time in a slightly more permanent arrangement at the dorm they’d be staying in until they moved to Japan to film the survival show. They didn’t know exactly when that would be—as soon as a month and as long as a year, if things with the company merger didn’t go smoothly. Euijoo was trying not to think about it too hard, and he knew Nicholas was doing the same because he never said no to a distraction.

The easiest and best distraction was studying Japanese, which is why they were sitting on their bedroom floor, surrounded by Japanese flashcards and exercise sheets, exhausted but too stubborn to go to bed with their thoughts. At least, that was why Euijoo was awake. He suspected Nicholas was just humouring him, and Euijoo was tired enough that he was a little annoyed by it.

Nicholas picked up a flashcard, peered at the hiragana, and then sighed. “This is starting to all look the same. We should just go to sleep,” he said in Korean.

“What did you say?” Euijoo asked him in careful Japanese. “It is time to speak Japanese right now.”

Nicholas rolled his eyes. “We should…” he started in Japanese, furrowing his eyebrows as he trailed off. He rifled through the exercise sheets until he found the one with the vocabulary he was looking for. “Bed,” he sounded out triumphantly. “We should go to bed.”

“No, thank you,” Euijoo said in Japanese, both because he didn’t think he was mentally tired enough to fall asleep without having at least one anxiety spiral and because he wanted to see what Nicholas would do.

“But you’re tired,” Nicholas argued.

Euijoo shrugged. “No, thank you,” he said again.

Nicholas huffed and said in Korean, “Fine,” before stretching out right there on the floor, sprawled across their papers. He was wearing a loose t-shirt and sleep shorts, and the shorts slid up, revealing pale inner thigh. Euijoo looked away. “I’m going to sleep here, then. You can read the flashcards around me.”

“You go to bed,” Euijoo told him in Japanese.

“Not if you’re not,” Nicholas said.

Euijoo scowled at him. His heart was thumping hard against his rib cage. Nicholas’s shirt was riding up, too. Euijoo wasn’t looking at it. “Go to bed,” he repeated, grabbing Nicholas’s hands and trying to haul him up, intending to shove him into his bed where he belonged.

His strategy backfired entirely—Nicholas was stronger than him, and he pulled Euijoo down on top of him. Euijoo flailed in surprise and tried to roll away, only to end up bringing Nicholas with him.

“Is that how it is?” Nicholas asked, grabbing at Euijoo while Euijoo tried desperately to dodge. The wrestling match that followed was fast and chaotic, papers crumpling underneath them as they rolled around on the floor.

In the end, Nicholas had Euijoo pinned, hands wrapped around Euijoo’s wrists at his sides, one knee pinning Euijoo’s thigh. Both of them were breathing heavily. Nicholas’s t-shirt was gaping open, his collarbones on display, and Euijoo couldn’t stop looking. When he finally tore his eyes away, their eyes met. It felt like a spark igniting the air between them. Nicholas swayed closer, intent written all over his face even before his gaze flicked down to Euijoo’s lips.

The thing was, Euijoo was good at pretending he didn’t know things that he did, even to himself. He knew what it meant that his heart skipped when Nicholas looked at him. He knew what it meant that sometimes he had to force himself to stop staring at Nicholas. He knew what it meant that he’d think about Nicholas’s arm brushing against his for hours after it happened. He just didn’t want it to be true, and so he made up other reasons. Nicholas is intimidating. Nicholas is competition.

But he knew what it actually was, and so when Nicholas leaned down, Euijoo knew that he wanted Nicholas to kiss him. He wanted it so bad it was fucking terrifying. It was too much. He couldn’t.

Euijoo took advantage of Nicholas’s distraction to slide his thigh out from under Nicholas’s knee, yanking his hands out of Nicholas’s lax grip and using his newly-won leverage to flip them over, pinning Nicholas down by his shoulders. His thigh ended up between Nicholas’s legs, and Euijoo pressed closer, close enough to feel that Nicholas was half-hard already, close enough to make Nicholas suck in a surprised breath, eyes wide.

This was easier, even though Euijoo didn’t have a clue what he was doing. Euijoo slid his hands down, shoving Nicholas’s shirt up so that he could get his hands on the soft skin he’d been staring at. Nicholas let him, arching up into his touch as Euijoo grinded his hips into Nicholas’s.

Looking back on that moment, Euijoo could make up a lot of mostly rational reasons why he’d done what he did. He was delirious with exhaustion. He was a teen with a lot of pent-up energy. He wanted to be the kind of person Nicholas was, someone who could dive in headfirst and just do something instead of thinking about it. It was, as Nicholas said with a devastating smirk just before sliding his hand into Euijoo's pants, a good way to relieve stress.

But really, he hadn’t been thinking at all. That was the effect Nicholas always had on him.

He didn't think again until the next morning, when they woke up to the sound of Euijoo's alarm and, instead of rolling over and hiding under his pillow like usual, Nicholas blinked his eyes open and smiled when he saw Euijoo next to him. Euijoo's heart clenched, and he launched himself out of the bed, nearly slamming the door behind him by accident in his haste.

He simply couldn't think about how he felt or what it meant, so he didn't. Nicholas didn't push it, and he didn't act any differently during the day, and that made it easy to let the same thing happen by night, over and over again. It made it easy for Euijoo to tell himself more lies—as long as they kept it to jerking each other off and didn’t kiss each other on the lips, it wasn’t a big deal. As long as Euijoo didn’t meet his own eyes in the mirror, he didn’t have to confront that he was a boy who’d had sex with a boy and all the implications that came along with that.

It turned out to be months before the company was ready to start shooting &AUDITION. Kyungmin gave up and left, and then Euijoo and Nicholas were the only foreigners, so they spent even more time alone together. Euijoo thought sometimes that he should be sick of Nicholas, but even when they were arguing, he wasn’t, not really. He didn’t examine that, either.

The last night before they moved out of their tiny shared room, Euijoo was lying on his bed, scrolling aimlessly on his phone while Nicholas carefully packed the last of his clothes into his suitcase. The room, which had already been bare, was stripped clean, all of their belongings ready to go to the airport with them tomorrow. After the holding pattern of the last few months, it felt weird.

Nicholas zipped up his suitcase and hauled it upright, dragging it over to sit next to Euijoo’s by the door. He let out a huff as he dropped it and then turned around, flopping down next to Euijoo with a dramatic groan. Euijoo didn’t look up from his phone because he knew it would annoy Nicholas.

It worked and also didn’t matter, because Nicholas’s annoyed reaction was to worm his way closer, ducking underneath Euijoo’s arms so that he was in between Euijoo and his phone, their bodies half-overlapping. “Juju-yah,” he said from two inches away from Euijoo’s face. “Are you freaking out right now? We’re moving to Japan tomorrow. I’m kinda freaking out.”

“I’m trying not to,” Euijoo said, locking his phone and tossing it onto the bedside table. Hands unoccupied, they had nowhere to go except Nicholas’s hips. “It’s not like we’re leaving forever. We’ll be back and forth all the time.”

“Yeah, true,” Nicholas said. “Still. It’s crazy.”

“Yeah,” Euijoo agreed. “It’ll be a big day. We should probably get some sleep.”

“Probably,” Nicholas said, tucking his face into the side of Euijoo’s neck and pressing a kiss there. Euijoo’s heart tripped. “I don’t think I’ll be able to, though. Do you?”

Euijoo fisted his hands in the fabric of Nicholas’s t-shirt and rolled his head to the side, giving Nicholas more space. Nicholas immediately took advantage, sucking on Euijoo’s skin hard enough that Euijoo felt tingles in his whole body, but not so hard it would leave lasting marks. He kept it up long enough that Euijoo almost forgot what the question had been when Nicholas pulled back and repeated, “Do you?”

“No,” Euijoo said, tugging Nicholas’s shirt upward. Nicholas sat up to let him pull it off before moving so that he was straddling Euijoo’s hips. Nicholas paused there, looking at Euijoo with a soft expression on his face that Euijoo couldn’t look directly at. Instead, he let his eyes wander over Nicholas’s torso, sliding his hands up from where they’d rested on his hips to Nicholas’s nipples, brushing his thumbs over them like he’d learned Nicholas liked. A soft noise fell from Nicholas’s mouth as he arched into Euijoo’s touch.

Euijoo bit back a smile and kept playing with Nicholas’s nipple with one hand, the other dropping down to palm Nicholas through his sweatpants. Nicholas choked back a moan and then gently took Euijoo’s wrist, pulling it away.

Euijoo froze. “Wh—” he started.

“It’s okay, just…not yet,” Nicholas said. “Take your shirt off?”

Euijoo leaned up to take his shirt off and tossed it in the same direction he’d thrown Nicholas’s. Nicholas’s eyes darkened as he pushed Euijoo back down, his own body following Euijoo’s, pressing their skin together. Like always, Euijoo turned his face to the side so that he wouldn’t give in and let Nicholas kiss him, and Nicholas brushed his lips over Euijoo’s jawline instead. He made his way along it, nose nudging behind Euijoo’s ear before gentle teeth tugged at Euijoo’s earlobe. Euijoo gasped in surprise, the edge of pain somehow going straight to his dick, and Nicholas pulled back.

“Did you like that?” Nicholas asked.

Euijoo nodded.

Nicholas smirked. “I thought you would.”

“Shut up,” Euijoo mumbled, squirming at being known. He threaded a hand into the hair at the back of Nicholas’s head, pulling him back down. He could feel Nicholas smile against his skin before he nipped at it with his teeth. He kept going, alternating between light kisses and tiny bites down Euijoo’s neck and across his collarbones. Euijoo felt hot all over, hips involuntarily canting up against Nicholas’s with every touch of Nicholas’s lips.

Euijoo wasn’t sure where he expected Nicholas to go after his collarbone, but it wasn’t his arm. He didn’t bite, instead pressing warm, open-mouthed kisses up the inside of the arm of the hand Euijoo still had in Nicholas’s hair. It felt nice, if a bit strange, and Euijoo was startled enough he didn’t say anything until Nicholas had reached his wrist and then leaned back down to start fresh on the other side.

“What are you doing?” Euijoo asked.

“Appreciating,” Nicholas said, kissing the curve of Euijoo’s bicep. “I like your body.”

Euijoo wasn’t expecting that, either. He scoffed, and Nicholas sat up, a stern look on his face. “I’m serious,” he said. “I want to put my mouth all over you.” He slid his hands over Euijoo’s chest appreciatively, his voice low when he added, “You have no idea what you look like, do you?”

Euijoo was momentarily struck dumb, staring up at Nicholas. He wanted to ask Nicholas to tell him, but he was too scared of what Nicholas would say. “Okay,” he said when he regained the ability to speak, arching his hips up pointedly, “but are you going to do anything about it?”

Nicholas laughed. “Be patient, Juju-yah,” he murmured. “I’m taking my time.”

Euijoo wasn’t sure he knew how to be patient, not when every encounter before this had an air of hurriedness. He’d never really had to wait for Nicholas to touch him, because Nicholas always did it right away. He wanted to complain about it, but then Nicholas picked up Euijoo’s hand and brought it to his mouth. He kissed Euijoo’s palm, the back of his hand, the tip of every individual finger. Any words Euijoo had stayed trapped in his throat along with his heart.

It didn’t matter that Euijoo hadn’t let Nicholas tell him with words what he thought Euijoo looked like. Nicholas returned to kissing Euijoo’s torso, making his way lower as he did, and Euijoo knew what Nicholas meant by every press of his lips to Euijoo’s skin, by every reverent brush of his fingers over Euijoo’s body. He could tell when Nicholas paused and just looked at him that he was seeing someone handsome, beautiful, sexy.

He knew how Nicholas saw him because it was exactly how Euijoo saw Nicholas. Euijoo wanted to kiss Nicholas everywhere he was flushed a darker tan and then all the spots he’d missed. He wanted desperately for Nicholas to touch him properly and also for Nicholas to never stop kissing him just like this.

Euijoo watched, transfixed, as Nicholas slid down the bed, settling between Euijoo’s legs. Euijoo wanted to shy away, feeling vulnerable like this, but he wanted Nicholas to keep touching him more. He forced himself to stay still, to let Nicholas slowly peel his pajama pants and boxers off him, to let Nicholas stare for a long moment before Euijoo finally cracked.

“Yixiang-ah,” he said, voice trembling to match his body. “Come on.”

Nicholas nodded, soothing hands running over Euijoo’s thighs. “I’ve got you.”

Nicholas started out with a featherlight touch of his lips to Euijoo’s dick, followed by the smallest lick of his tongue over the tip. Euijoo gasped, and it must have emboldened Nicholas, because he wrapped a hand around the base of Euijoo’s dick and took him into his mouth.

It was a totally new sensation, better than anything Euijoo had ever felt before, amplified by the fact that it was Nicholas making him feel like this—like he might burst apart at the seams, like he could die happy here. Nicholas looked obscene with his lips wrapped around Euijoo’s cock, his head bobbing as he tried to take more and more, always challenging himself when he didn’t need to.

Euijoo fisted his hands in the sheets and focused on not moving, on not coming too soon, on making this last. He wanted to stay in this moment for as long as possible, to avoid the mess he already knew would come next.

It was a fool’s errand. Nicholas might have been lacking in technique—Euijoo wouldn’t know—but if so he made up for it in enthusiasm and commitment, and Euijoo was too young and too far gone to hold out for long.

“Yixiang,” he gasped out as he tipped closer to the edge. Nicholas hummed, and Euijoo choked on his words. “Yixiang, I’m gonna come.”

Nicholas pulled off, hand still working Euijoo’s cock. “Yeah,” he said, licking his lips. “C’mon.”

Euijoo’s orgasm hit him hard, his whole body shuddering, his eyes fixed on Nicholas’s mouth. Nicholas swore under his breath as he watched Euijoo spill over his hand. Euijoo felt just as insane as he had before he came, if not more. He needed to get his hands on Nicholas.

“Come here,” Euijoo demanded, reaching down to drag Nicholas up by his arm. Nicholas didn’t resist, and he got the picture quickly when Euijoo shoved at his pants. A groan slipped out of Euijoo’s mouth when he wrapped his hand around Nicholas’s cock, the shape of it familiar after months of regular handjobs in the dark. Nicholas was already leaking precome, and Euijoo used it to ease the way.

“Fuck,” Nicholas said, the word cut off by his moan when Euijoo twisted his hand the way he knew Nicholas liked. “Fuck, you’re so good at this. You’re so good at touching me, fuck, don’t stop.”

Nicholas always got chatty when he was close, and Euijoo let his words wash over him. After a minute, Nicholas’s words turned to incoherent noises. He leaned in, pressing their foreheads together, and Euijoo looked down, watching his hand move on Nicholas’s cock. Nicholas made a quiet noise in the back of his throat and then gasped out, quiet, “Juju.”

Euijoo looked up, making eye contact, and Nicholas came undone, his eyes squeezing shut as he did. Euijoo slowed down, marvelling at how hot Nicholas was even when he was making the stupidest face Euijoo had objectively ever seen. He was so busy staring that he didn’t notice when Nicholas winced from oversensitivity, and Nicholas put a hand on Euijoo’s to stop his movements.

Nicholas opened his eyes at the same time, meeting Euijoo’s gaze again. Euijoo felt mad with power, caught up in the moment and in Nicholas, and he didn’t look away the way he normally would have. The air between them still felt electric, tension as thick as it had been when they started.

Nicholas’s eyes dropped to Euijoo’s lips. “Juju,” he said again, voice barely more than a whisper. “Please.”

Euijoo didn’t think. He kissed Nicholas, a crush of their lips together that eased into something softer. Euijoo pulled Nicholas in by his hips, and Nicholas brought a hand up to cup Euijoo’s cheek, licking into his mouth. Euijoo made an embarrassingly high-pitched noise into the kiss and didn’t even care.

“Juju,” Nicholas said into his mouth. He pulled back and brushed his thumb over Euijoo’s cheekbone. He said something else in Japanese, and Euijoo blinked, his brain failing to contort itself around the unfamiliar syllables.

The corner of Nicholas’s mouth turned up, and he repeated it. This time, Euijoo parsed, “I like,” but not the rest. He tilted his head, his heart thudding in his chest at the implication.

“The literal translation is ‘I like everything about you’,” Nicholas said. He ducked his head, cheeks burning red. “I looked it up because I was curious, and I thought it was a romantic way to say it.”

Panic burned in Euijoo’s veins, fast and overwhelming. This was exactly what he’d been carefully avoiding, and now it was happening. One blowjob was all it took for Euijoo to lose control and kiss him, and now Nicholas was confessing.

“Because, like, I do like everything about you,” Nicholas said. He let his hand drop from Euijoo’s face. “And I don’t know about you, but this hasn’t just been stress relief for me…like…ever, I guess. I think that—”

“Wait,” Euijoo interrupted. He couldn’t do this at all, let alone naked. “We should…”

Euijoo gestured at their general state, and Nicholas laughed. “Right. Sorry, I got ahead of myself.”

Euijoo scrambled out of the bed, avoiding eye contact as he grabbed tissues to clean up the worst of the mess. He picked up his clothes off the floor and yanked them on so that he could escape to the bathroom. He turned on the shower, trying to breathe through the panic as he went through the motions of getting washed up. It didn’t help.

When Euijoo returned to the room, Nicholas was fully dressed in a new pair of pajamas. He’d straightened the sheets of Euijoo’s bed and was sitting on top of them cross-legged, looking at his phone. When Euijoo came in, he dropped it and looked up at him.

“I’m sorry if that was too much,” he said. “I just couldn’t not tell you anymore.”

Euijoo hurriedly shut the door behind him. “It’s okay,” he said, even though it felt anything but.

Nicholas was too smart to look anything but doubtful. “Okay,” he said slowly. “So…”

“I…” Euijoo started. His throat felt dry, and he paused, coughing to clear it. “We can’t do this anymore.”

Nicholas’s face fell, and Euijoo’s gut twisted. He didn’t want to hurt Nicholas’s feelings, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice. They really couldn’t do this. Euijoo couldn’t.

“It’s just, we’re moving to Japan and we’re starting the show soon, and we’re going to be meeting all our new potential members, and we just… we can’t be distracted right now,” Euijoo said.

Nicholas’s expression soured even further. He looked down at the bed, glancing up at Euijoo and then down again. “Is that all this is to you?” he asked quietly. “A distraction?”

Euijoo opened his mouth to say yes and found he couldn’t. He’d always been a horrible liar. “You are…distracting,” Euijoo managed after a moment.

Nicholas’s face twisted into a wry smile, one eyebrow raised. Euijoo could tell that he wanted to point out that that wasn’t an answer. Euijoo bit his lip, praying that Nicholas wouldn’t say it only to be disappointed when he got his wish.

Instead, Nicholas reached out a hand to Euijoo in invitation. Euijoo came closer, tentatively taking Nicholas’s hand as he sat down on the very edge of the bed. It was probably a bad idea to touch Nicholas, but Euijoo couldn’t help it. They sat there, looking at each other with their fingers entwined, for a long time before Nicholas sighed and spoke again.

“Juju-yah,” he said, “I don’t want to lose you. If we have to just be friends, that’s okay. We’ll be friends. Right?”

Euijoo nodded. “Right.”

Nicholas squeezed Euijoo’s hand. “Promise?”

Euijoo swallowed, his throat thick. “Promise.”

Nicholas nodded and then let go of Euijoo’s hand and got up, taking the few steps to get into his own bed. “Good night,” he said as he tucked himself under the blankets. “See you in the morning.”

“Night,” Euijoo said. The word came out as more of a croak than anything.

Nicholas fluffed his pillow and laid down with his back to Euijoo. It was exactly what Euijoo wanted, but it hurt anyway. It took him a long time to fall asleep.

—

now

—

Nicholas sits on the edge of what used to be Euijoo’s bed, waiting for Fuma. The decor is different now that Maki’s switched with Euijoo so he and Nicholas can share, but it still reminds Nicholas of the many times he tucked himself into this bed next to Euijoo. They were in the height of their honeymoon period then. Nicholas knows it was never practical to think it wouldn’t end, but he can’t help wishing.

He timed it right so that he doesn’t have to wait long before Fuma comes in. He’s wearing his pajamas and towelling his hair dry, and he doesn’t look surprised to see Nicholas at all.

“You know that’s not Euijoo’s bed anymore so that I don’t have to find you in here at all hours, right?” Fuma says, raising an eyebrow.

Nicholas rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but I was waiting for you,” he says. “Did Euijoo talk to you?”

Fuma tosses his towel onto his bed and sits down, picking up a bottle of toner and a cotton pad. “I’m not a go-between in your relationship,” he says mildly as he starts applying the toner to his face.

“I know, I know. I don’t want you to tell me what he said or anything,” Nicholas says quickly. It’s only a little bit of a lie. “But you know him the best of anyone, and I can’t figure out how to fix things, but I really want to, and…I don’t know. I just thought you could help.”

Fuma finishes with his toner and starts patting in essence. He fixes Nicholas with one of his long, unblinking stares as he does. Nicholas stares back, but he has to blink before Fuma even sort of looks uncomfortable.

“Sure,” Fuma says finally, capping the essence bottle. “But I don’t know Euijoo the best of anyone. You do.”

Nicholas screws up his nose doubtfully. “It doesn’t feel like it.”

Fuma hums in a way Nicholas can’t read at all. “Okay,” he says, opening his moisturizer. “Tell me in your words what the problem is, since apparently I’m a therapist now.”

“Isn’t that kind of what sub-leader means?” Nicholas asks, amused.

Fuma shrugs and starts rubbing moisturizer into his face.

Nicholas takes a second. He’s gone over their fight in his head a million times in the few weeks that have passed since, and it never gets any less raw. “I’m mad because he keeps this weird distance between us, sort of. Like, he won’t kiss me in front of the members, and I don’t like that. And he’s mad because we don’t have enough quality time together, and he thinks that’s what’s causing the distance. But I dunno.”

Fuma takes his time screwing the lid back onto his moisturizer as he thinks. Nicholas feels like he might crawl out of skin from impatience by the time he finally says, “Do you think maybe those two problems are actually the same problem?”

Nicholas frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… Objectively, you and Euijoo spend a lot of time together. Why does Euijoo think it’s not quality time?”

“We’re always working,” Nicholas says, because that’s the simplest answer. Then, because he can’t help it, he adds, “Honestly, I think he’s still upset about me bringing the vlog camera on our date. And I get it, but I also don’t get it at all. If it were up to me, we’d be able to tell LUNÉ the truth.”

Fuma’s eyebrows shoot up. “Of course you would,” he says. “So it’s exactly what I thought.”

“It is?”

Fuma nods. “What does not wanting LUNÉ to see your date and not wanting to kiss you in front of the members have to do with each other?”

Nicholas stares blankly at Fuma, turning that over in his mind until, suddenly, something clicks. “They made Euijoo uncomfortable,” he realizes, “because he hates being too public about his feelings.”

“Exactly,” Fuma says. “You’ve forgotten that the way Euijoo is with you is special. It doesn’t come easily for him. Remember how long it took him to come around to dating you at all?”

Nicholas nods, reeling at missing something so obvious. He spent so much time pining after Euijoo, feeling like it was always one step forward and two steps back with him. He prefers to focus on the good parts of those memories and avoid the parts that sting. Somewhere along the line he forgot why Euijoo was like that in the first place.

“So what do I do? I don’t think I can keep letting him act like we’re not together unless we’re totally alone. That’s just…” Nicholas shakes his head. As much as he wants Euijoo to be comfortable, that hurts too much.

“I don’t think you have to go that far,” Fuma says. “I think you have to do your part to make a compromise, but I don’t think it has to be that one.”

“Okay,” Nicholas says. “I guess maybe…it would help to make sure I really don’t bring work or LUNÉ to our days off. Right?”

Fuma nods.

It should be simple, but Nicholas already has a sense of dread at the idea. “But how do I say no to things when I want to do them? Or when I have to?”

“You don’t have to say no,” Fuma says. “You can say yes as long as you have boundaries. If the staff get mad at you for fitting personal schedules around group ones and your personal time, I’ll back you up, but I think they’ll probably be relieved that you’re actually taking time for yourself.”

“I do take time for me,” Nicholas protests, but it comes out weak. When Fuma puts it like that, he feels silly for acting like it’s hard.

“Sure you do,” Fuma deadpans. “And what was your plan for our next day off?”

Nicholas opens his mouth and then closes it, caught out. “It doesn’t matter, because now I’m going to take Euijoo on a date,” he says resolutely. “A real one. No cameras.”

Fuma nods approvingly. “Cool, sounds like a good start to me.”

“Do you think it’s enough?” Nicholas asks, anxious. “Do you think Euijoo will be okay with being a little more…” He waves a hand. “Open? With the members?”

“I don’t know,” Fuma says, shrugging, “but he loves you, so if you explain why this is important to you, I think he’ll do his best. You’ll just have to decide if his best is good enough for you.”

Nicholas nods, swallowing hard as he looks down at the floor. He tries to imagine a world where Euijoo’s best wouldn’t be good enough for him. He can’t, really. He hopes that means things will turn out well in the end and not that he’s so down bad he’s going to make things worse by hanging onto something that isn’t working.

After a minute of silence, Fuma clears his throat. “Okay, have you been therapized enough now?”

Nicholas snorts. “I guess,” he says. “Thanks, sensei.”

“God, no, don’t say that,” Fuma says, leaning across the space between them to hit Nicholas in the shoulder. “I am not a romance expert.”

Nicholas doubles over and clutches his shoulder, pretending it hurt more than it did. “Ow, sensei!” he complains. “Stop being so wise if you don’t like it!”

“You’re a brat,” Fuma says without heat. “Get out of my room.”

“Yes, sensei,” Nicholas says, getting to his feet and shuffling backward toward the door, bowing as he goes. “Thank you so much, sensei.”

Fuma rolls his eyes and turns back to his skin care products, picking up his eye cream. Nicholas is almost out of the room when Fuma says, “Nicholas-kun.”

“Hm?” Nicholas asks, turning back.

“Just remember, you know Euijoo best,” Fuma says. “Stop wasting it.”

—

then

—

Euijoo sat on Fuma’s bed, waiting for him. He’d overheard him saying goodnight in the kitchen five minutes before, and since Yuma was busy forcing Harua and Jo to watch an anime in the living room, Euijoo was pretty sure they’d have time to talk. If Fuma ever actually did come to bed. Euijoo was starting to think he never would, and Euijoo would waste away here, thinking and overthinking the same things that had been plaguing him for months.

By the time Fuma finally came into the room, Euijoo had worked himself into a state. Fuma was focused on his phone, tapping in that way Euijoo knew meant he was playing Pokemon Go, and he closed the door behind him without looking up.

“Fuma,” Euijoo said. “I kissed someone.”

Fuma nearly dropped his phone. “Jesus Christ, Euijoo-kun, I didn’t see you.” He blinked, clearly catching up. “You what? You kissed someone?”

Euijoo nodded. Maybe that wasn’t how he should have started, but it felt like the crux of the problem.

“Okay,” Fuma said, putting his phone in his back pocket and coming over to sit down next to Euijoo. Euijoo felt a little touched that Fuma had clearly given up on catching whatever Pokemon to help Euijoo. Not that Euijoo thought he wouldn’t. It was still nice. “Who was it? When?”

Euijoo ignored the first question. “Months ago. Before &AUDITION.”

Fuma looked flummoxed. “Um…okay?”

“What do I do?” Euijoo asked plaintively. “I wanted to ask you, because we’re the leaders now, and it seemed like…I don’t know. A leader thing. That means I can’t ask anyone else, anyway, so…”

“Of course,” Fuma said, reassuring. “You can talk to me about anything. It’s just…I’m not sure what you want to do about kissing someone months ago?”

Euijoo felt like an idiot. Of course this was a total non-issue. Fuma was right. It had happened months ago, and Euijoo needed to get over it and move on. “Never mind,” he said, starting to get to his feet. “I’m gonna go, it’s okay.”

“Oh, hold on,” Fuma said, putting a hand on Euijoo’s shoulder to stop him. Euijoo sat back down. “This is about Nicholas.”

Euijoo laughed, high-pitched and awkward. “What? No, nothing to do with Nicholas.”

Fuma leveled him with a look. “You sure? Because I have eyes, you know.”

“What does that mean?” Euijoo asked, his blood pressure spiking. There shouldn’t have been anything for Fuma to see. Was Euijoo that obvious? But how? “What have you seen?”

Fuma shrugged. “Nothing. It’s just the vibes. I didn’t put it together until just now, and your reaction is confirming it.”

Euijoo winced. “Okay, but that’s not why I wanted to talk. It's too late to do anything about it. I was just asking about me.”

“So there’s something to do something about?” Fuma asked.

Fuck. “Maybe,” Euijoo said, knowing that Fuma wouldn't let it go.

Fuma gave him a look that was half sympathy, half triumph. “Can you start from the beginning? You don’t have to share any details you don’t want to, but it’ll be easier to give you my opinion if I know what you’re talking about.”

Euijoo definitely didn’t want to do that, but he also didn’t know what he’d been expecting. “I guess,” he mumbled. He took a deep breath. “It started, um…a while ago. Maybe from the very beginning? When I met him? I realized I liked him a lot. Differently. And that was the first time I’d ever felt like that, and he…liked me back. We started to, uh…”

Euijoo waved a hand, glancing at Fuma in the desperate hope that Fuma wouldn’t make him say it out loud. Fuma had a vaguely confused look on his face, and Euijoo cringed.

“Hook up?” Euijoo said in Korean. Fuma tilted his head, and Euijoo said in Japanese, “Sleep together? Does that mean the same thing?”

Fuma nodded, looking pleased, and Euijoo realized that Fuma had definitely not needed him to say that in order to understand. Damn it.

“We didn’t talk about it,” Euijoo said, pressing on through the urge to curl into a ball and never speak again. “I was too scared to, because I’ve been so busy trying to become an idol and learn Japanese and learn how to be beautiful and sing and dance, and I just couldn’t add another thing. I didn’t want to face, um. Being gay. I guess. Or my feelings.”

“But now you do?” Fuma asked.

“I don’t know,” Euijoo said. “No? But I can’t stop thinking about it, and things with Nicholas…”

Euijoo trailed off, not sure how to put it into words. He didn’t know how to describe the way everything felt off, even when nothing was objectively wrong. He thought about how the day before, Nicholas had put his arm around Euijoo’s shoulders, the same way he’d do to anyone, and Euijoo froze up, unable to breathe until Nicholas moved away. Nicholas hadn’t given any indication that he’d noticed, but Euijoo knew that he had, and then he felt bad about that. He couldn’t stop making it weird, and that had only gotten worse the more in his head Euijoo got. It was obvious he needed to do something different. He just didn’t know what that would be or how to make himself do it.

“I don’t know,” Euijoo repeated. “I just… I feel really awful about what happened.”

“About sleeping with him?”

Euijoo shook his head. “He told me he liked me, and I told him we had to stop.”

“Ah,” Fuma said.

“Yeah.”

“So kissing him freaked you out, but sex was fine?” Fuma asked, sounding more incredulous than Euijoo had ever heard him. “How does that work?”

“I dunno, I just convinced myself the sex didn’t mean anything, I guess,” Euijoo said. “I know that it, uh, that it did, but… Honestly, it was probably the only time in my life I didn’t think things through, and then once I did I couldn’t stop.”

Fuma’s expression softened. “Okay, well. This makes sense, because it’s not Nicholas who makes the vibes between you weird. He acts normal, and you act like you stole something at the store and your mom caught you and is making you take it back.”

Euijoo closed his eyes for a second, trying not to completely collapse under the weight of being read so hard. He hadn’t realized he wore his guilt that close to the surface.

“Anyway,” Fuma said, “you weren’t asking about Nicholas. You were asking about you. It sounds to me like you’ve been trying to hide part of yourself from yourself.”

Euijoo nodded. That seemed like a pretty accurate description.

“I don’t think you should do that,” Fuma said. “I get that work is a huge part of your life, and it’s only going to get busier, but it’s not like it’s temporary, especially not now that we’re debuting so soon. Being gay is even less temporary. You didn’t get this far by running away from learning about yourself, did you?”

Euijoo shook his head. “I don’t think it’s fair to ask anything of Nicholas now,” he said. “If…If he's acting normal, then he must be over it. I can be over it, too.”

Fuma laughed, and Euijoo looked up at him, eyes wide with betrayal. “Sorry,” Fuma said. “That’s just not what I said. I said it wasn’t about Nicholas, and you made it about him again.”

Euijoo made a face, feeling called out. “I don’t know how to think about it as separate,” he admitted.

“Maybe you don’t have to,” Fuma said. “You could get over it if you wanted. I can see why you’d decide that was the better path. It could get hard, working together and being involved. But we're in it now, and it's going to be hard no matter what, so why not give yourself this? Maybe it would be easier to confront your feelings by admitting them to someone who matters.”

Euijoo had pictured a million times what it might've been like if he’d just said what he really felt when Nicholas confessed. Sometimes, late at night when he should be sleeping, he wondered what it would be like to have Nicholas lying next to him, to be able to turn to him as his boyfriend and not just his friend. He thought that was probably what Nicholas had wanted, and with time and space, Euijoo’s fear of it had started to slip away from him.

But that didn’t mean Nicholas still wanted it. Euijoo tried to picture confessing to Nicholas after all this time. It felt stupid, like far too little too late, but he wasn’t sure staying silent would be any better. Nicholas would always be next to him, now more than ever. If the guilt was still gnawing at Euijoo now, he wasn’t sure it would ever stop.

“What if it goes badly?” Euijoo asked, his voice small.

“Then you’ll learn from it,” Fuma said. “You don’t have to be perfect. You can make mistakes, Euijoo-kun.”

Euijoo wrinkled his nose. “That sounds fake.”

Fuma laughed. “It’s true! And…for what it’s worth, I see the way Nicholas looks at you sometimes. I don’t think he’s holding a grudge about what happened. He understands.”

“How does he look at me?” Euijoo asked, intrigued and unable to help himself.

Fuma shrugged. “The same way you look at him.”

Euijoo frowned. “How do I look at him?”

Fuma gave him a look and didn’t answer. Euijoo thought that was fair. He knew, anyway.

—

now

—

Nicholas doesn’t think he’s ever been to the Han River when it was this busy. The last time was probably when he was a trainee, before they moved to Japan. Anytime since it’s been dark and mostly empty. Today, it’s a sunny late autumn day, and he and Euijoo have to weave their way around groups of people even though they’re walking close enough that their shoulders bump.

They’ve been walking for nearly five minutes now, neither of them saying much of anything. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to start their date here. But Nicholas has a lot of fond memories with Euijoo at the Han, and he’s hoping to add to them. He just has to get up the nerve to say what he came here to say.

“So, um,” Nicholas says, “it’s strange being here in the daytime, right?”

Euijoo looks sidelong at him, alarm on his face. Nicholas is about to kneejerk apologize, but then they have to step to the side of the walkway to let a group of tourists pass. They end up facing each other, pressed up against a low wall. Before Nicholas can say anything else, Euijoo says, “I’m sorry I’ve made things so weird with us.”

“What?” Nicholas says. “No, it’s me making it weird.”

Euijoo looks doubtful. “You just tried to make small talk. You never do that.”

Nicholas winces. “I’m sorry, I’m just… Can I tell you something?”

Euijoo’s eyes go impossibly round. “Seriously, you ask permission now? Yixiang-ah, you can tell me if I really fucked up.”

“No, no, no,” Nicholas says quickly. “It’s about bringing the camera on our date last time. I don’t think I explained well why I wanted to. I mean, I guess I didn’t explain at all, and I should.”

Euijoo tilts his head in curiosity. Nicholas glances out at the water and takes a breath, then meets Euijoo’s gaze again. “I think that when something makes you happy, you should share it with the people close to you. I wanted to be able to share with LUNÉ how happy you make me.”

“Oh,” Euijoo breathes.

“Because, like, we’re never going to be able to tell LUNÉ what we actually mean to each other, and that kind of sucks, you know?” Nicholas continues, unable to stop now that he’s started. “At least, I think so. I know you probably wouldn’t want to do that anyway, but I… I dunno. I wanted them to see it a little bit. That’s all. Do you know what I mean?”

Euijoo nods. “Yeah. That’s… It’s kind of disgustingly sweet, actually.”

Nicholas laughs, the sound bubbling out of him with relief. “Yeah, well, I wanted to apologize again. I didn’t realize that made it feel less like quality time for you, and even when you told me, I don’t think I understood. I’m sorry that I got too caught up in what I wanted to realize it might not be what you want.”

“It’s okay,” Euijoo says. He wraps his fingers around Nicholas’s wrist underneath the cuff of his jacket and squeezes gently before letting go. “Really this time. I know you know I was pretending before. I’m sorry for doing that. I should have just told you how I felt.”

Nicholas shakes his head. “I could have asked.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Euijoo insists.

Nicholas laughs. “Okay, we both suck, so we’ll both get it together, right?”

“Right,” Euijoo says. They stay standing there, looking at each other and biting back smiles, for longer than they probably should before Euijoo ducks his head and says, “Should we keep walking?”

Nicholas nods. They fall into step next to each other. This time, the silence is a lot more comfortable, even though Nicholas can tell Euijoo is thinking about something. The way he keeps worrying at his lower lip with his teeth is a dead giveaway. For once, Nicholas waits for him to get there himself.

“So, um,” Euijoo says eventually, “if you want to share things with LUNÉ, you must want to share them with the members even more.”

Nicholas shrugs, then nods. “Yeah.”

Euijoo nods, taking that in. “I get that. I see why the kissing thing upset you so much. It’s just, um, I think…” Euijoo trails off, and Nicholas looks over to see him looking up to the sky for a moment, taking an audible breath in and letting it out slowly. His voice is quiet when he continues. “I think maybe I’m not as far past my whole…gay freakout thing as I thought I was. Sometimes things scare me, and I don’t even realize it’s irrational.”

“It’s not irrational to be scared,” Nicholas says, careful and sincere.

Euijoo scoffs, waving him off. “It is when I’m scared of the members. What’s, like, Harua going to do? Nothing, because he’s an innocent bunny who never hurt anyone.”

Nicholas laughs. “And he loves you,” he points out. “He already knows, and he still loves you. They all do.”

Euijoo nods. He’s looking down again, expression conflicted, like he wants to believe Nicholas but can’t quite do it. Nicholas’s heart aches. He wants to be able to take all of Euijoo’s fears from him, to hide him away from the things that make him struggle.

But then he wouldn’t get to see the way Euijoo sets his jaw and looks up at Nicholas with a flame of determination in his eyes. “I’ll do better,” he says. “We can kiss and do couple-y things in front of them. Might feel weird at first, but I’ll get over it.”

“Okay,” Nicholas says, heart swelling with happiness and pride and relief. He lets his mouth curve into a smirk, elbowing Euijoo gently in the side. “We’ll practice.”

Euijoo laughs. “You know, that actually might be kinda fun. Imagine how mad we could make Yuma.”

“What are you talking about?” Nicholas says. “Yuma would love a front row seat. I think it’d take a lot to make him mad about it. You telling me you’re ready for that challenge already?”

Euijoo shrugs. “Could be.”

Euijoo breaks his performative nonchalance almost immediately, flashing a wide grin at Nicholas as he bumps their hips together. Nicholas grins back and bumps him harder. Euijoo retaliates, and it devolves into a shoving match that has them both giggling stupidly at each other. They stumble across the walkway, accidentally cutting off an ajussi who has some choice words about it. They apologize profusely, bowing and backing away. Neither of them can stop laughing, which ruins the effect. Thankfully, the ajussi rolls his eyes and continues on his way, muttering, “Kids,” under his breath.

Nicholas collapses onto a bench, Euijoo next to him. Euijoo loops their ankles together and leans into Nicholas’s side. It takes an extra minute for Nicholas to be able to catch his breath.

“Was that a good compromise? Is there anything else you need me to do?” Euijoo asks when they’ve both calmed down.

Nicholas giggles all over again. “Did Fuma give you the compromise talk, too?”

Euijoo laughs. “Yeah,” he says. “He can be kinda scary, you know?”

“It’s the stare,” Nicholas says. Euijoo nods emphatically. “But no, I think we’re good. And hey. Um. Thanks for not giving up on me.”

Euijoo sits up straight, twisting his body to face Nicholas. “What does that mean? Why would I do that?”

Nicholas shrugs. “Because I’m annoying, and I make mistakes, and I make you do things you don’t like.”

Euijoo shakes his head. “That’s part of your charm. I like that you never let me run away. You make me better.”

Nicholas feels like his insides have turned to soft, gooey marshmallows. He leans as close as he dares, pressing their thighs more firmly against each other. “You make me better, too, Juju-yah,” he murmurs. “I don’t want to take that for granted.”

“We won’t,” Euijoo says, soft and sure into the space between them. The words linger there, the tension between them sweeter than it’s been in months. Nicholas watches the way Euijoo’s throat bobs as he swallows. Euijoo’s eyes flick to Nicholas’s lips just before he says, “I’d kiss you, but…”

Nicholas leans back so that he doesn’t kiss Euijoo anyway. He swallows against the dryness of his throat, glancing around at the people surrounding them. “Yeah, I should have thought this through.”

“Been there,” Euijoo says. “Wanna go home and make out in the living room?”

“Only if we eventually go to our room,” Nicholas says, teasing. “There are some things that are just for us.”

Euijoo’s jaw drops. “Uh, yeah, that was a given? What’s wrong with you?”

He sounds so genuinely worked up that Nicholas can’t help bursting into laughter all over again. He feels so unbearably lucky to be here, to get to tease Euijoo into mocking him right back, to get to take him home and kiss him there as much as he wants.

“I love you,” he says through his laughter. “I love you so much.”

Euijoo rolls his eyes, but his voice is soft when he says, “I love you, too. Let’s go home.”

—

then

—

“Nico-yah,” Euijoo said, jogging slightly to catch up with Nicholas in the hallway outside the dance practice rooms. “Wait up.”

Nicholas paused and turned around. “What’s up?” he asked, shifting his bag on his shoulder.

Euijoo took a deep breath and stood his ground instead of running away the way he wanted to. “Do you want to go to the Han with me?”

Nicholas blinked. Whatever he’d been expecting Euijoo to say, that clearly wasn’t it. That made sense, because Euijoo hadn’t asked Nicholas if he wanted to go with him anywhere in…somehow more than a year. “Now?”

Euijoo nodded. Dance practice had ended on time, so it was late, but not so late that either of them would be going to bed anytime soon. He gave Nicholas—and himself—an out anyway. “Unless you’re too tired.”

Nicholas looked at him for a long, heartstopping moment before shaking his head. “No, I’m good. Let me ask if anyone else wants to come.”

He turned, clearly about to call out to the group of members already gathered next to the elevator, and Euijoo hurriedly grabbed his wrist to stop him. Nicholas looked down at Euijoo’s hand and then up at him, eyebrows raised. Euijoo dropped his wrist. He could feel his cheeks burning.

“Uh, no, just us,” he said. “If that’s okay?”

Nicholas’s eyes narrowed. Euijoo braced himself for Nicholas to say no, or worse, ask him what the hell he was up to. Nicholas did neither. “Sure, Juju,” he said. “Let’s go to the Han.”

The cab ride to the river was quiet, as was the walk to the closest ramen kiosk. Euijoo kept stealing glances at Nicholas, but he couldn’t read his face at all. They sat down across from each other at a picnic table with their ramen, the heat of it steaming into the cold winter air. Nicholas opened his chopsticks and stirred the ramen, not looking at Euijoo.

Euijoo wanted to be the kind of person who could let a silence rest between them, who could wait for a good moment to say what he needed to say. He managed it for a while, but as soon as he was out of noodles to eat, he couldn’t stand it anymore. “Do you remember when we came here when we were trainees?” Euijoo asked.

Nicholas had just shoved noodles in his mouth, because Euijoo had the worst timing. He swallowed and answered a minute later. “Yeah,” he said. “It was cold then, too.”

Euijoo nodded. “Even colder than this,” he said. “But we still stayed out for…hours. Just talking.”

“Yeah,” Nicholas said. The word hung expectantly in the air between them.

Euijoo ducked his head, studying the grain of the wood in front of him. “I miss those days sometimes. Things felt…easier.”

Nicholas tilted his head, regarding Euijoo with a long look. “Sometimes,” he said. “Sometimes they felt a lot harder.”

“Yeah,” Euijoo said. “That’s true.”

Nicholas waited a moment, but when Euijoo didn’t say anything else, he picked up his ramen bowl and took careful sips of the broth. When he was finished, he gathered Euijoo’s bowl as well and took them both to the nearby trash can. He didn’t sit when he came back, instead shoving his hands deep inside his coat pockets and rocking back on his heels as he said, “Juju-yah, are we here for a reason?”

The straightforward question was more than fair, but it took Euijoo aback. Nicholas’s forthrightness always did. He scrambled to his feet and said, “Let’s walk.”

Nicholas looked at him sideways, but he fell into step next to Euijoo. “You’re sort of starting to freak me out,” he said lightly.

“Sorry,” Euijoo said. “We are. Here for a reason, I mean. I kinda wanted to tell you what’s been going on in my head lately.”

Nicholas gasped, putting a hand to his chest. “You? Say what’s going on in your head?”

Euijoo snorted and bumped his shoulder against Nicholas’s. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Well, let’s hear it, then,” Nicholas said.

Euijoo took a second, trying to pick from the hundreds of opening lines he’d composed and discarded since talking to Fuma about this. He was terrified—what if Nicholas hated him for resurrecting something he’d already put to rest? What if things between them got worse?

But what if things got better? Euijoo didn’t want to hope for Nicholas to agree to anything as crazy as kissing Euijoo again, but he could hope for things to be better.

Besides, Nicholas was looking at him, and Euijoo had kept him waiting long enough. “Did you know that you’re the first person I ever kissed?”

Nicholas didn’t quite trip over his feet, but it was close. “Um,” he said. “I guess not. Are we talking about that now?”

Euijoo nodded. “I’m sorry that I never let us talk about it before. I was scared, because I’d never really thought about, um. Being gay. And I didn’t want to think about it, either. So I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

Nicholas took that in. “Okay,” he said. “I kind of thought it was something like that. Why are we talking about it now?”

“Because I’ve been thinking about it,” Euijoo said. “I haven’t been able to stop, actually. And I feel terrible about how I left things, so I wanted to…not leave them like that. I mean, I know I missed my chance, and I’m not expecting another one, but I just—”

“Oh,” Nicholas said. “Juju-yah, I—”

Euijoo shook his head to cut Nicholas off. “No, hold on, I have to say all of this. I have to tell you that I feel the same way you did.” He took a steadying breath and said, in Japanese, “I like everything about you.”

Euijoo heard Nicholas’s sharp intake of breath, but he didn’t dare look up at him. He couldn’t stop talking now, not when he’d almost said everything he meant to say.

“I always did,” he continued, in Korean again, “and I'm sorry I pretended I didn't. I'm not expecting a second chance, but I didn't want you to think I don't like you, because I do. So much.”

They walked in silence for a minute that felt like a year. Euijoo wanted to look at Nicholas, to try to figure out what he was thinking, but he thought that if he did he’d probably start panic rambling, and he wanted to give Nicholas space to respond.

Finally, Nicholas said, “I never thought you didn’t like me. I mean, not that you made it easy. I definitely had doubts. And I spent a lot of time trying to get over you so we could just be friends, like we promised, but eventually…I gave up.”

Euijoo blinked, finally risking a glance at Nicholas. Nicholas was looking back at him. “You gave up?”

Nicholas shrugged. “Maybe there’s something to what they say about your first love. You can’t ever actually shake it.”

Euijoo stopped walking. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. “Yixiang.”

Nicholas stopped, too. “Euijoo.”

“What are you saying?”

Nicholas reached for Euijoo’s hand. Euijoo let him take it. He felt like he was having an out-of-body experience. “I’m saying I would give you a million second chances if you asked for them.”

Euijoo cringed so hard he pulled his hand out of Nicholas’s and had to quickly grab it again. “What? You can’t just say things like that,” he admonished. His whole face was burning again.

Nicholas looked entirely unrepentant. “I just did,” he said easily. “What are you going to do about it?”

Euijoo wished he hadn’t picked such a public place to do this. Not that it would have been any better to be thinking about their members on the other side of a door, and not that Euijoo had been expecting this, but…

He looked around for somewhere that at least wasn’t right below a street light and dragged Nicholas toward the first patch of shadow he saw. Euijoo pushed Nicholas up against the cinderblock wall of a building and then hesitated, his actions catching up to him. He felt crazy. This was probably too much.

But Nicholas didn’t seem to mind. He was grinning at Euijoo, and the sight of it made Euijoo feel like he might explode or float up into the sky or simply pass out. He smiled back instead, and they swayed closer to each other, the air growing thick between them as they looked into each other’s eyes. Euijoo let his gaze drop to Nicholas’s lips and then couldn’t tear it away. He wanted to kiss him so badly, but it couldn’t be that easy. Could it?

“Juju,” Nicholas murmured. “All you have to do is ask.”

Maybe it was. “Can I have a second chance?” Euijoo asked, so quiet his voice was barely more than breath. “Please?”

Nicholas kissed him, once softly, the barest brush of their lips, and then again, harder, his hands coming up to twist into the lapels of Euijoo’s coat, pulling him closer. Euijoo kissed him back, feeling like he was burning up from in the inside out.

It felt like a long time passed before they pulled apart, even though it couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds. They stared at each other again, still smiling stupidly.

“Wait,” Nicholas said, and Euijoo’s heart dropped. “What does this mean, exactly? We’re going to talk about it, right?”

Euijoo hurriedly nodded. “Yes,” he said. “We can talk about whatever you want.”

“Then…are you my boyfriend?” Nicholas asked. “Do you want to be?”

This was something out of Euijoo’s wildest dreams. He nodded again. Nicholas somehow smiled wider. When he leaned in to kiss Euijoo again, Euijoo felt like he could taste his smile, sweet on his tongue.

“Are you sure?” Nicholas asked when he pulled back, searching Euijoo’s eyes.

Euijoo took a second. It felt easy right now, but he knew it wouldn’t always be. He knew when Nicholas wasn’t right here, he would be able to think again, and he didn’t want to panic again when that happened.

But even when he made himself think about it, he didn’t feel panicked. He felt more sure than he ever had before.

“I’m sure,” he said. “Things have been so up in the air for so long, but now that we’ve debuted, it finally feels permanent, and I… I dunno, maybe it’s selfish, but I want to let myself have this, too. Even if it’s hard. And if you want it too, obviously. You do, right?”

Nicholas nodded. He brushed Euijoo’s hair off his forehead, a soft expression on his face. Unlike all the times before, Euijoo didn’t look away. He let himself feel it, let his face reflect back Nicholas’s adoration tenfold.

“Right,” Nicholas said. “Even if it’s hard.”