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Rise and Fall
“it’s better to burn than to fade away / it’s better to leave than be replaced / i’m losing to you, baby, i’m no match.”
Tsukishima’s hands slammed down on the hard, polished wood of the gym floor. His breathing was rigid and came out in short bursts; it was obvious that the tall man has been overworking himself. Pushing his glasses up, he glanced around the empty gym and took in the sight. Volleyballs were scattered around the room. Black and grey marks were plastered on the floor from the bottom of his shoes. The clock was slightly slanted from when he accidently hit it with the ball too hard. None of the water bottles he set up in the six different positions were knocked down. After a few minutes of examining his surroundings, Tsukki took a deep breath and stood up. He had to get this right.
Sure, he was a regular on court during games, but he knew that if his motivation and his drive didn’t start showing soon, he would quickly be removed from the court. He wanted this; he wanted to stay on the there and fight against his competitors. Tsukki wanted the fallen champions to get back on top of the charts, and he wanted them to compete in Nationals this spring. Everyone was counting on each other, but who would count on him if he showed no true dedication and effort for the team? Tsukishima gathered the balls and put them back into the cart. He refused to stop. Despite the fact it was already midnight and he had practice in the morning, he wanted to keep going. He needed to prove that he could fight too.
Taking a few deep breaths, Tsukki tossed the ball into the air, above his height and ahead of him by at least a foot. He then started to make his approach before jumping into the air and hitting the ball. He watched the ball sail across the court for a few seconds before it landed in the let. Tsukishima mentally before he jogged back to the cart and grabbed another ball, repeating the process. If there was anything that he really needed to work on, it would be his recieves. In order to do that, however, he would need a partner. There’s no one that would be insane enough to join him… unless… no. Hinata wasn’t an option. It was already bad enough that he was the biggest competition and the two played the same position. What kind of smug remark would the shorty make if he tried to approach him for help? Of course, there was always that perky libero, Nishinoya, or his older brother Akiteru… but both of them would have the same reaction as Hinata.
Tsukishima pushed up his glasses and watched the ball sail across the court. This time, it went over the net, which was something Tsukki was pleased with. The pleasure instantly faded once he saw the ball sail past the water bottles and hit the gym wall “Well… at least it’s a start.” He muttered quietly and tilted his head to glance at the clock. “12:07 AM… I suppose that I should head out if I want to get enough sleep for practice tomorrow….” Tsukki shook his head quickly after he said that. It was far from an option for him. “No. I need to get all six knocked down at least once before I leave the gym.”
He knew that he needed to focus hard. The fatigue was starting to get to him. His walls were caving in, but he refused to stop. He couldn’t end up like his brother. Tsukki didn’t want to be down on the sidelines, cheering on the team and not having any chance to play. He wanted to be the volleyball player his brother couldn’t be. That was the only reason that the stoic man at Karasuno High anyway. The Karasuno Crows were legendary, every recent alumni of the school was aware of the Boy’s Volleyball Club was. His brother was on the same team as the, “Small Ginat.” Now, they were only known as the fallen victors. Tsukishima wanted to prove that Karasuno was anything but that.
Everyone on the team was improving explosively: Kageyama and his setting, Hinata and his different methods of spiking, Nishinoya and learning how to set the ball from the line to the hitters on mid air, Asahi and his jump serves, Tanaka, Sugawara, and Daichi learning how to do an attack at the same time to confuse the blockers… people would say he’s improving as much as the rest of the team. It just… wasn’t enough. His blocks were getting better, sure. His blocking was an essential piece to the Karasuno Crows. His improvement wasn’t enough. His serves were weak, his receiving was horrible, and his setting wasn’t something to look twice at either. He needed to grow. All of the crows were leaving the nest and learning to fly… everyone but one stubborn baby crow.
That crow was Tsukishima. “Gah! Why can’t I just hit a small water bottle?” He exclaimed in frustration and picked up a ball before hitting it hard over the net. The bottle labeled, ‘6’ tipped over from the impact of the fall. Tsukki tried to calming down before he hit the next one, but his rage was getting the best of him. The anger seemed to be fueling whatever passion he had left in him. One by one, the balls sailed over the net. Within the next few minutes, all the balls were out of the cart, and every bottle but the ones labeled, ‘3’ and ‘4’ were tipped over. Tsukki was breathing hard again. Sweat was dripping down from his face and his glasses were a bit fogged up from the heat of the gym and from the exertion of what he just did. His stomach and throat were burning. For the past five hours he had been practicing, Tsukki hadn’t been drinking water. It was a bad move on his part, but he wasn’t going to be wasting all that time staying hydrated that he could be using to practice to beat Hinata.
There were things that Hinata didn’t have that Tsukki had. Height, strength, and a firm build were the top three things that he could list. There were also things that Hinata had that he didn’t have. If Tsukishima had half the stamina, speed, and jumping power he had, Tsukki would have surpassed him quite a while ago. He stood up and stopped dwelling on the thoughts for a moment. Tsukki picked up all the balls that were around the gym and plopped them into the cart. It was slower than when he was putting them back in last time. A wave of exhaustion hit him soon after his act of rage. Sleep and aching muscles were starting to get to Tsukishima, but he refused to quit. The thought of that little shrimp surpassing him was more than enough motivation.
As much as he would hate to admit it, Tsukki knew that he was inferior to Hinata. He could accomplish a lot more in his first year of high school than Tsukki could probably accomplish in his entire high school school career in volleyball. Hinata and Kageyama already had the freakishly quick attack going on, but what made things worse is that he already had a feud with the both of them. The echo of his own words rang in his head. He was only there to keep trouble away when Hinata was in the rear guard. With every game passing, especially during the practice matches against other teams such as Nekoma High and Fukurodani Academy, he could see that this was becoming increasingly true.
By the time he finished putting another load of volleyballs in, Tsukki had tripped over his feet and fell to the ground. He caught himself and breathed heavily, the tears starting to roll down his face unwillingly. ‘It’s just a club,’ he would say, ‘why is everyone putting in so much dedication?’ It wasn’t until now that he realized that this was way more than a simple club to him. This club helped him function. He finally felt superior to people that he thought that he could never beat in a lifetime, especially Hinata and Kageyama. But, being the only one that wasn’t evolving was starting to put a huge toll on him. His breathing sped up and his hands grew shaky. The anxiety was heavy in his breathing. The view from his glasses became blurry, and soon enough, he wasn’t able to see anything from them.
Tsukki had no idea why he couldn’t stop crying. It portrayed him as weak. If anyone else from the volleyball club saw him, they would for sure be laughing at the sight of such a stoic man being so fragile to the topic of being surpassed. The panic in his cries could be heard though. He didn’t care if he was attracting the attention from anyone around him. He couldn’t control how loud he was being. Crying wasn’t as easy to control as a volleyball. Tsukki took off his glasses and tossed him aside. His vision became even more blurry from what it first was, but it didn’t matter to him. He felt so small, the feeling of helplessness that he had was unreal. The feeling surpassed one of an infant’s dependency to its mother. It was one of the worst feelings that he had ever experienced in his lifetime. The last time he felt that helpless was when he saw his brother on the other side of the bleachers instead of a regular on the court, but even then he had the support of Yamaguchi. Right now, he was all alone. Nobody was around to help him stop crying. No one was there to tell him words of comfort. Nobody could offer him a tissue or wipe his warm tears dry. The hard thing was determining whether the tears were one of anger, or if the tears were one of genuine sadness. It wasn’t often when Tsukishima would cry because he was sad, but when he would, he generally wouldn’t speak and block out the world for a week or two.
After about fifteen minutes of lying on the ground and crying his heart out, Tsukishima’s breathing had returned back to normal and his hands weren’t as shaky as they were when the crying attack began. The tears had finally stopped flowing and he finally found the strength to stand up again. He reached for his glasses and put them on, his vision becoming clear except for the outlines of water droplets on the lenses. Glancing over to the clock, he could see that it was 1:00 and he really needed to be heading home now. Tsukishima gathered his things and turned off the lights to the gym, locking it and leaving the keys where Daichi had asked for him to leave them. Tsukishima was drained of energy. He just wanted to get home. Doing all of this almost seemed like a pointless act. There was no way that he was going to be able to surpass the raw talent that Hinata had for volleyball. He could try as much as he liked, even if he gave 120%, it would only be 70% of what Hinata could give. He needed to try as much as he could though. Whatever drive or determination that he had, he needed to put it all out right now if he wanted to stay on the court and prove himself to the team. He wanted to prove to them that he was worthy of being on the court and staying with the team… no, he wanted to be more than worthy.
He wanted to be more than just the person that keeps the defenders away; Tsukishima wants to prove that he can fight as much as everyone else on the court can. Tsukishima pulled out his headphones and turned on a song, pondering a bit on what he was thinking. This feat almost seemed impossible for him to pull off. It was better to be him than it was to be Hinata. For he was the moon, while Hinata was the sun. While the sun shines brighter, it blinds the offenders, and when the sun slips away into the shadows, the moon is there to give off light while the sun is away. That’s how things have always been, right?