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He had given everything, he danced, he performed, in front of the person he thought he loved, in front of the girl that he had convinced himself that he longed for and wanted to be with.
But why doesn't it feel different? He always wondered why everything felt the same around Siun and around Hanjin, why when he hung out with Youngjae he imaged them doing something similar, yet when he was with Junghwan his heart wouldn't stop beating, his hands shaking, wanting to be close, how his mind would stop thinking rationally and would focus only on the older, how he spoke, how he acted and smiled everytime he and Dohoon would practice together, playing around and changing roles, Dohoon being the female lead and Junghwan the male.
He remembered, clear as day, how he stepped into the stairs, flowers in hand, eyes looking at him with such an intensity he had to break eye contact. The way he said those words, those simple words that made Dohoon’s whole world turn upside down, it stuck to him, and even now, when he's in front of who he is supposed to love, to want, he feels fine, because Siun is a friend, such an amazing and kind friend and Dohoon can't keep lying to himself any longer.
“Dohoon-ah, I'm sure Junghwan hyung would love to see this too” Siun said, holding Dohoon’s hands and squeezing them, “I.. I wished you told me sooner, you know? We could have spent so many nights crying over our unrequited crushes!”
“...Yeah, I guess we could have.. b-but- you're with… her ?”
“Yes” Siun answered, a big smile on her lips as she looked at Dohoon, “She’s amazing, you know? It took us a while, to- you know, be open”
Dohoon simply nodded.
It somehow made sense, the two girls were practically inseparable, and if he looks back, the way the other lead of the play had looked at him when he passed her the note, a mix of sadness and worry. Now he knows why, she knew he was getting rejected, but decided to keep silent about it.
In a way, the two reminded him of his own situation with Junghwan.
They were also inseparable, always sticking to each other like gum, whenever Junghwan goes Dohoon follows and so on. Everyone always tells them how they look like a couple, Junghwan never reacted, smiling and sometimes correcting whoever had said the thing, but Dohoon always blushed, stuttering about how they wouldn't be a couple, how Junghwan was way out of his league, and how they were both guys.
A lot of things can change from first year to last, Dohoon realizes.
Siun, who was still in the room with him, looks around and steps closer to Dohoon, hugging him and patting his back, hoping to bring at least a small piece of comfort to her friend.
“I know it's difficult, but I promise that if you are truthful, things will get better.. slowly, but they will”
He didn't notice when he started to cry, wetting Siun’s uniform, but it didn't seem to bother his friend at all, softly patting his head and holding him. They were almost like siblings, Siun looking after him, giving him advice on life in general even if they were the same exact age.
Did she realize everything way before Dohoon? Was she watching over him just so she could be here, in this moment, sharing her own experience? It wouldn't be surprising, Siun was always unpredictable.
While they shared this small moment of comfort, Junghwan was outside, he couldn't hear a thing, so as far as he's aware, Dohoon and Siun could very well be kissing and hugging, sitting on the edge of the stage maybe, holding hands, happy. Unlike him, sitting in the corner, right behind the closed door, face hidden in between arms and legs, eyes puffy and red, tears flowing down his cheeks, getting to his neck and getting his clothes messy.
But he didnt care. He didn't care about anything, because Dohoon was problably gone.
Gone from his side, from his life.
Now, he was happy with a girl, Siun, a good girl, pretty just like Dohoon is, they probably will be the pretty couple in their respective universities. Oh, how much does Junghwna envies her, how he wishes it would have been him there, watching Dohoon’s stunning performance, he could write a never ending story about Dohoon’s grace on stage, how his body moves with any music you give him, how his face perfectly reflect his emotions, how gorgeous he looks under any lighting.
He could write play after play, song after song, poem after poem, just for Dohoon.
He already has, some were known, some were hidden in the most personal place in his room, but Dohoon has read a millions of them, had sang and acted a few, it makes Junghwan’s heart feel alive, but also like a thousand daggers were being stabbed into it.
Dohoon wasn't his, he never was, even if from time to time his mind played its tricks, whispering to him in dreams that maybe he had a chance, that maybe Dohoon would love him back, that he would hold his heart with all the care in the world and would give his to Junghwan to cherish.
In the middle of his long crying session he heard footsteps, nervous and embarrassed he stood up, cleaning and fixing his clothes as much as he could and looked to the floor, ready to pretend he had only fallen asleep. But to his surprise it was Jia, who immediately looked at him, scanning him from head to toe, one of her eyebrows rised yet she said nothing about Junghwan's state, and he thanks that, not really needing anyone else telling him how miserable he is right now.
“Uh.. Have you seen my girlfriend?” She asked, Junghwan dared to look at her in the eyes and found no a single trace of mockery or tease.
The information fell on him slowly, eyes wide when he finally realized. Jia had a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.
She's like me.
“You.. Y-You have a girlfriend?”
“Yes? I thought everyone knew, we aren't as discreet as we pretend” Jia blushed faintly, rolling her eyes and playing with his sweater, “So, have you or have you not seen Siunie?”
“Si- Siun? Kim Siun?”
“ Yes? C’mon you know her, she's part of our crew!”
“Yes, I-I do know her its just- She’s-”
Right as Junghwan was about to say how her girlfriend was inside the room with his Dohoon, the door was opened, Siun walking past Junghwan, her eyes only seeing Jia, who opened her arms and hugged her girlfriend. And if Junghwan had any doubt that they were, indeed, a couple, they kissed, right in front of him, Jia sighed into the kiss while Jiun grabbed her face, caressing her flushed cheeks.
It was cute, a short, cute kiss, but it made Junghwan recoil in jealousy.
“What took you so long? Did you talk with-”
“Yes, everything’s good… I think I helped him, and talking about that, have you seen Jungh-” Siun turned around and met eyes with the older, who smiled softly, waving and bowing slightly, the girl beamed with happiness, “Ah! You're here! That's amazing, why don't you go in?”
“What- But- I-I dont think-”
“Trust me! You two need to seriously talk and tell the truth, haven't you wanted long enough?”
Those words made Junghwan stop. His mind blank, a sudden feeling of confidence and want rising up inside of him, because yes, he has waited so long, and he can only hope Dohoon is willing to listen to years of yearning and hidden emotions. He keeps quiet for a few minutes, contemplating his options, whispering a simple "Thank you" to the girls, Siun smiled and Jia just shurgged.
They decided thats leaving right now was a good move, so they waved Jughwan goodbye, walking hand by hand. When he was finally alone he glanced at the door, it was still open and he could clearly see Dohoon’s silhouette thanks to the dramatic lighting, his head hung low, he was hugging himself, his shoulders shaking.
He was crying.
Acting on pure impulse he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him loudly and practically running to Dohoon, who immediately looked up, eyes wide in surprise, he mumbled something, taking a few steps back, but Junghwan caught him and brought him closer, pressing him against his body and hugging him tightly, his arms wrapping around his waist and caressing his back.
Dohoon didn't know what to do, but the surprise was so much that he ended up breaking again, he sobbed, holding onto Junghwan’s shirt, clutching the fabric with his trembling fingers, he squeezed the shirt, the material getting wrinkly under his grip, Junghwan enjoyed the touch, the closeness after so many days, weeks, month of being away, of holding back and deciding to not reach out.
Now, they were together, even if it was a bit messy, both of them crying, their bodies fitting together almost too perfectly, making Junghwan take a deep breath before slowly separating from the hug, his hands lingering on Dohoon’s waist while the younger’s stayed on his shoulder, still grabbing onto his clothes.
“Uh.. W-Why are you here?”
“I… I-I was waiting for you”
Dohoon took some steps backwards, hitting the stage with his lower back, Junghwan was quick to walk to his side, one his hands going to hold Dohoon’s back while the other laid on the stage itself, he was almost caging Dohoon against the stage, leaning close to his face and staring directly into his eyes.
“Hyung-”
“Can I talk?” Dohoon looked around them, falling silent, Junghwan tried to follow his eyes, it made the younger blush, hitting his back a few times as protest, but Junghwan just smiled, feeling a bit lighter.
“..Yes”
Junghwan nodded, slowly going to sit on the stage, tapping his side, hoping Dohoon would sit as well, since he felt like this was going to be a bit long.
“So, uh… I know you went through something bad, I-I also didn't know they were girlfriend, but, well- I need to confess”
“Confess?” Dohoon whispered, sitting besieged Junghwan and placing his hand close to the older’s, but he was too scared to touch him, to feel that fire inside of him that invaded him when Junghwan had hugged him, and now he was curious, what could he confess? "Well, mh.. Tell me, you know I won't judge"
“I love you”
“W..Wha-”
“I love you, like, a lot, I've loved you for years, Dohoon-ah and it's started to hurt because I know I'll never have a chance”
“Hyung-”
“I know it's hard to understand, but you're the most amazing person I've ever met, you're beautiful, you're kind, you're so talented and the perfect muse- My perfect muse, you don't know the countless plays and songs i've written for you” Junghwan’s hands went to his face, hiding it since he started to feel the heat rise to his cheeks, he sighed, but kept going, “Kim Dohoon, I love you a-and I don't expect you to like, love me back or anything, i'm sorry if this was rushed and maybe it's too much and I’m sorry-”
“ Hyung - p-please” Dohoon took Junghwan’s hands, carefully interlocking their fingers and tugged him slightly, “Can I talk now? Yeah ?”
Junghwan turned to see Dohoon, whose eyes were once again filled with tears, he unconsciously reached for his face, cupping one of the younger’s cheeks with his hand and softly caressing it, wiping away his tears at the same time. Dohoon melted into his palm, rubbing his now rosy cheek against Junghwan’s palm, before shyly giving it a kiss.
Quick and short, similar to the one the girls had shared outside, but instead of his lips it was placed on his palm, and that made Junghwan’s mind short circuit.
The hand that was held by Dohoon freed from the hold, taking Dohoon’s wrist and pulling him closer to him, Junghwan acted quickly, the hand on Dohoon’s cheek carefully shifted to hold his jaw, and in a few seconds they were kissing.
It wasn't a proper kiss, it was messy and clumsy, Dohoon almost tripped, falling onto Junghwan’s lap as he gasped into the kiss, meanwhile Junghwan dug his fingers into Dohoon’s skin and kissed his lips like a starved man. He bites and licks, Dohoon’s minds spinning by the new sensation, it's good , it's all he's ever wanted and its perfect, he hugs Junghwan’s neck, properly sitting on his lap, his legs wrapping around Junghwan’s torso, this made the older hum, smiling in the middle of the kiss and breaking it to take some air, Dohoon panting right against his mouth wasn't making it any easier to give the younger a break, his red lips looking more beautiful and tasty than usual.
Maybe he was going overboard, maybe Dohoon was going to ignore him after this, but right now he lets himself enjoy the moment, enjoy the way Dohoon’s hands touch him and look for him, how he keeps himself close, even when Junghwan had already let go of him. His arms keep resting around his neck, his legs hugging him a bit more loosely now but still there, he still feels the warmth and weight of Dohoon, and he wishes he could always feel it, every day and night.
They stayed in that room a few minutes more, Junghwan playing with Dohoon’s hair and Dohoon playing with Junghwan’s shirt and buttons, he rested his head on his chest while Junghwan softly placed his chin on top of Dohoon’s head.
“Hyung… I-I don't know a lot of things, I don't know what I am if Im being honest, but… I-I do have feelings for you, they are different from the ones i have for Hanjin or Siunie, I.. I just need time”
For the first time in a few days Junghwan chuckled, his arms going around all of Dohoon's figure, his heart hammering agaisnt his chest and finally feeling like he has a chance. He's going to wait, he's going to fo everything he had to do for Dohoon to feel comfortable with him, and if that meant he had to wait a few month? He'll do it.
“I waited more than three years, now that we talked, I'm finally calm… Thank you for listening Dohoon-ah”
“Mh.. No.. Thank you, Junghwan hyung, for waiting so long”