Chapter Text
Lewis had recently returned to his apartment complex in Monaco. It was one of those rare occasions mid-season where he was able to sleep in his own flat between touring the European circuits. The latest race had been in Canada where Lewis was beaten to the podium once again by his teammate, just like in Spain and in Mexico two years ago. Not that he was keeping count.
To say that he was frustrated with his performance was an understatement. Hell, he wanted to quit. If it hadn't been for the occasional late night phone calls with his dad, Lewis is sure he would have. But that’s not what champions like him did. That being said, Lewis was certain Schumacher and Senna had never trailed this far behind their teammates.
Perhaps this was his sign that his career was coming to its close. Lewis was nearly forty, had seven – almost eight – world championships under his belt, and if he was being honest with himself, had broken more records than he could have dreamed of as a thirteen-year-old kart racer. And now he was getting slow. Not the car. Him.
And so, against the advice of his close friends and family, Lewis would spend his time idly contemplating what he was missing, what had changed in the last three years. What exactly he could do to claim a win or simply sit on pole again. Even about his retirement (should things get to that point) – how and when he would announce that he was leaving the sport for good.
At Mercedes, Bono was the only one who knew. Lewis had first mentioned it following his DNF in Australia earlier in the year. It had been a bad weekend for all of the team and when Russell crashed late in the race even Lewis' own mechanics had rushed to analyse the incident, leaving the pair alone.
Bono had thought he was joking at first. Told him that the DNF was more than enough surprises for the day. But once he saw that Lewis was serious, he had tried his best to change his mind, reminiscing over a decade of their shared achievements. He had even proposed a private meeting with himself and Toto to work everything out, but Hamilton said he would rather join Sauber.
However, it was their most recent conversation which kept playing on Lewis’ mind...
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'You should see someone' Bono said, before they parted ways for the week.
The statement was blunt and hit Lewis in the gut. This time, he could not come up with a quick quip or end the conversation with a polite smile as he so usually did. Bono had placed a hand on his shoulder, with a look on his face that said he was tired. Tired of Lewis? Or just normal tired?
'Listen. I know you,' he said, 'and I know that you don't want to give up on this sport despite whatever you've managed to convince yourself in that head of yours. You're a brilliant racer and a brilliant man, the most driven I have met during my career. I can’t stop you if you decide it's time to call it quits. I only ask that when that time comes, it is because you have chosen it, not because a handful of people say that you should.' Then a pause. 'Maybe I'm not the right person to help you see this.'
Lewis searched his mind for something to say but nothing came, and there was a lengthy silence between them.
'4th place is not a bad place to be.' Bono insisted, a last-ditch attempt to reassure his friend.
'It is for me, Bono' Lewis replied curtly.
And Bono understood, of course he did.
'Please just think about it Lewis.'
And that was that.
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It wasn't until a couple of days ago that he had begun to think about Bono's words seriously. A therapist could help him, Lewis knew that, but he also knew that the media would have a field day if word were to ever come out about the arrangement. Seeing a therapist would also mean having to admit the way he was feeling to a stranger and that was something he could never do. He already received his fair share of mind probes during press conferences and those were free, thank you very much.
All he had to do was train harder and drive faster, he decided as he settled down on his sofa for the evening.