Chapter Text
I've known it from the very start
We're a shot in the darkest dark
The waiting is a sadness
Fading into madness
- Say Don't Go (Taylor's Version) - Taylor Swift
July 30th 1998, 11:57 p.m.
Harry can’t sleep. In fact, there is no use in even trying to. It is minutes to midnight, minutes to his 18th birthday. The air is chill tonight. A very nice summer night. If it weren’t for his upcoming birthday, he could really enjoy it. Sitting on the stairs outside of the Burrow, he remembers those early birthdays he spent at the Dursleys. Sitting on his bed in the dark, wishing himself a very happy birthday.
He isn’t alone now or rather he doesn’t have to be. Ron is upstairs, snoring peacefully in his room. Harry left the other bed in his room, his bed actually, for Hermione. A year ago, he would have been delighted to switch rooms and beds with Hermione so he could have some peaceful moments with Ginny. But now, he sleeps on one of the couches on those nights, pretending to be up early once Molly comes down to make breakfast. He doesn’t sleep much anyway, and if he does, his nightmares usually wake him up before dawn.
There is a small party planned for him tomorrow. Not too much, because you never know the mood of a freshly turned 18 witch or wizard. There aren’t many people left to join such celebration anyway. Pretty much just the Weasleys and Hermione. Plus Andromeda, who promised to come over for tea in the afternoon with Teddy.
Harry takes a look at his watch. Two minutes left. He notices his hands are slightly shaking. After everything he has been through, there really shouldn’t be anything left to stress him so much. And still, here he is, fearing the moment when the clock announces his 18th birthday and the sight of his left wrist darkening with magical ink. Or whatever. Really after Hagrid told him he was a wizard, Harry didn’t think there could be anything else to get him so off hand.
It was only in his fourth year at Hogwarts that people suddenly started talking about the soulmate-revelation. For every student out of a wizard family it was old news and of course, Hermione had read everything about it in some ancient book of hers. But Harry was completely oblivious until then. Turns out, the name of a witch or wizard's soulmate appears in black ink on their left wrist at the exact second they turn 18. Hilarious really. If Harry wasn't used to dark wizards trying to kill him every year, or the real existence of werewolves or giant spiders, he would have laughed.
If he hadn't believed it right away, he certainly would have on the 18th birthday of both of his best friends, who were delighted to figure out that they were actually meant to be. Harry doesn’t dare to question what would have happened if Ron and Hermione weren't each other’s soulmates. They probably talked about it before, though. But nothing to fear - now there is Hermione’s beautiful handwriting on Ron’s wrist and his not-so-beautiful one on hers. If possible, they became even more unbearable afterward. But Harry doesn’t mind. In fact, he is really happy for them. But probably not as happy as Molly when she found out. Merlin, that was something.
One minute left to go. Harry stares at the stars, not noticing the nervous tapping of his own foot on the dry ground. Since he found out about what is going to happen, he had a lot of time to think about who it might be. Yet, in the end, he didn’t think about it a lot after all. He really had other problems going on. And on most days, he thought he might not even live until that moment. Of course, once everyone started talking about it, there were a lot of rumors and hopes and always thinking the temporary crush might be one’s soulmate.
When Harry started dating Ginny, he thought about it. They didn’t talk about it, but he knew that she was thinking about it as well. Maybe she even hoped for it. Harry didn’t hope for it. The only thing he hoped for a very long time was surviving, and that’s why sometimes he hoped he wasn’t Ginny’s soulmate, so that she wouldn’t be completely devastated if he didn’t make it. Now he hopes that it isn't Ginny for different reasons.
When they decided to end things, or more like decided to not pick up on what they had before the war, Harry was sad, but at the same time free to do whatever he wanted for the first time in a very long time. Of course, he was lost, in pain, disorientated. But a relationship with one of his best friends was for sure not the cure. Right now, it is pretty good. He and Ginny get along pretty well, and the general dynamic between Ron, Hermione, Ginny and him is pretty good.
Molly didn’t take it pretty good first, but after Harry assured her that it wouldn’t change his need of a place to stay over the summer, she calmed down. Of course, Harry could have stayed at Grimmauld Place, but after months of camping in the woods he really needed the Burrow. Although it isn’t as noisy and happy as it used to be.
So, Harry came to the conclusion that he hopes it's not Ginny. They ended things in a good way, and he realized that he might never have really been in love with her or not as much as he hopes to be in love with his soulmate. Plus, it would just force them into a relationship they had decided on their own they didn’t want. He knows that Ginny probably thinks the same way. She hasn’t started to see someone else, although her options are numerous. But Harry knows for sure that once she decides she’s ready to try again, it won’t take long. After all, she’s beautiful and funny and genius, so every bloke should better be damn thankful for her even looking in his direction.
After Harry realized that he doesn’t want Ginny to be his soulmate, he started thinking about who else it might be. Since he discovered his bisexuality, the options, of course, were huge. But Harry didn’t even really think about what to do after midnight. If it’s someone he knows, maybe even someone from school, it will be very easy to contact them. If it’s a witch or a wizard, it will be pretty easy to find them through the ministry or something. He knows there are even people you can pay to make them find your soulmate for you.
Hell, he’s Harry Potter, he could probably just make an announcement tomorrow. He probably doesn’t even need to. After all, people like Rita Skeeter know when his birthday is. They're probably going to start offering him help right away. Harry sometimes thinks it might be best if his soulmate is a muggle. No expectations, no cringe, no talking about what it’s like to be Harry Potter.
Harry takes a cautious look at his watch. He follows the second hand right to the top. Midnight. It’s time. He feels his heart starting to beat worryingly faster. Somehow, he expected his wrist to prickle or even burn, but there is no such thing. Nothing seems to be different than just a second ago. Harry takes a deep breath and grabs the edge of his thin sleeve. After all, there is no use in delaying the inevitable. He takes one last deep breath and one last calming look up to the sky. Then, he almost rips up his sleeve and takes a look. Well, FUCKING HELL!
July 31st 1998, 12:05 a.m.
Draco doesn’t know what he has expected. Let’s just say he wouldn’t have been surprised if the savior of the wizarding world had apparated to his door right after midnight to punch him in the face. Maybe he is going to wait until breakfast to break down the doors of the manor. Or maybe by lunchtime, there will be Aurors at Draco’s doorstep arresting him for humiliating the golden boy. Because clearly, Potter won't believe that his mortal enemy is supposed to be the love of his life.
Draco can't help but feel a tiny bit relieved now that Potter finally knows. But really just a tiny bit. The rest of him is fucking terrified because from now on, shit will go down. He is pacing his room just like he did the night of his own 18th birthday. He remembers it like yesterday, although due to all the thinking he has done since then, it should really be ages ago. He had waited on his huge bed, sitting crossed legged, staring out of the window, waiting for doomsday. Because it really was doomsday.
No matter what name would pop up on his wrist, he would be someone who despises the idea of Draco Malfoy being his soulmate. Because who on earth would want a Death Eater to be their destiny. When the time came, Draco waited an extra five minutes because he really wasn't ready. What if he wasn't the first one to turn 18? What if his soulmate already knew of him and decided not to contact him. Merlin, what if his soulmate was a muggle. That would be one hell of a joke, wouldn't it?
When Draco finally braced himself to take a look, he almost laughed. Almost. In reality, he closed his eyes, defeated. THAT was one hell of a joke. The universe really outdid itself this time. Of course it has to be bloody, sodding, annoyingly beautiful Harry fucking Potter. The handwriting was a little scratchy but not ugly, thank Merlin. Without really noticing what he did, Draco jumped to his feet and started walking. An hour later, he was still pacing his room unable to decide what to do, what to think or what to feel.
And now Potter knows. Now he knows that Draco is meant to be everything he's ever wanted, that the both of them are supposed to be happily ever after. But that’s not what’s going to happen. Because Draco is clearly not in any way what Potter wants, and they will most certainly not become happy together. No matter what Draco feels himself. It doesn’t matter that for him, Potter could be everything it takes to be happy again.
It doesn’t matter that there was a time in Draco’s life, not so long ago, when he really couldn’t think about anything better than Potter being his soulmate. When he was 14 and discovered that he’s gay. When he realized that this discovery has green eyes, wild black hair and a damn scar on the forehead. Or when he was 16 and had a fucking lot of problems, but one of the most annoying ones was that Potter was extremely interested in him but for extremely wrong reasons. Draco has been in love for an entire war, through death and pain and struggle and torture. He vanished in those feelings for the person who was the very reason for that damn war. Thank merlin, he is such a good Occlumens because if he weren’t, he probably wouldn’t be alive anymore.
But all of that doesn’t matter because all of that is fucking bullshit. The stupid crush of a stupid lonely child. What’s marked on Draco’s left wrist right under his Dark Mark is real. What Potter found out just minutes ago is very real indeed. And Draco was so not ready to face it. He still isn’t. The last two months he had reasons for not doing anything. Starting with the possibility that Potter might not believe him, or the fact that he could just deny it or the threat that he could throw a tantrum. But now they both know, and Draco still doesn’t know what to do or think or how to feel about it. After some more pacing he finally sits back down on his bed. And because he is completely exhausted and just a tiny bit relieved, he soon falls asleep.