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It's a typical Thursday afternoon. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and your lazy ass decided to stay indoors to stream.
You figured you'd do a youtuber food’s review. Something snappy, something original.
Earlier in the day you had gone out to several grocery stores and outlets to get the products you would be reviewing. You had decided on mostly foodstuffs, but bought a couple of drinks as well.
Walking into the shared kitchen, you stumble into Schlatt who seems to have just woken from a nap, staring into the cold, buzzing light of the fridge.
He has a dazed look about him, sleep still in his eyes. As you pass him he makes eye contact with you, gaze softening.
“I’ll be live at about 2pm today.” You say as you start to unpack everything from the bags. “Does that work with you?”
He scratches at the stubble growing on his neck “Yeah, I’ll be live at about 3pm, that works.”
Humming in contemplation he steps away from the fridge, and in comfortable silence helps you put away the groceries you bought while you were out.
It's a familiar routine you two have. Whenever one goes out to shop, the other helps unpack. The housework has never been a problem between the two of you.
You just click together.
“Feastables… chat what flavour was this? Peanut butter crunch? 4/10. Foul,” You spit the remains into a paper towel. “I don't think I could even give this to a dog in good faith.”
Reading chat you see someone say “Looni: Dogs can't have chocolate.”
“Don’t take advice from me.”
“Alright! Next up is Prime energy.” You pick up the bottle. “I have not heard good things about this.”
You attempt to twist open the cap, It doesn't budge. Brushing it off as a bad grip, you begin inspecting the bottle closer to see “The flavour is Meta Moon? The hell?”
Flashing chat a nervous smile, you try to open the bottle again. Rearranging your grip, you twist with a solid grip on the body and cap.
Nothing. Chat is laughing at your failed attempts, spamming KekW at your indignity.
“I have sweaty hands, chat, it's not my fault” you plead.
The jokes on them because you have one last trick up your sleeve. Your shirt. Using the bottom of your shirt, you try to use the fabric as a grip. Twisting as hard as your strength will allow you.
You swear you can feel the cap move. Your hand is moving ever so slowly and maybe, finally you have made the progress you have been so desperate to achieve.
But it was all for naught. Your trap card failed.
Eyeing at chat you see “‘DazzleTV: Just go to Schlatt, he'll open it for you.”
“I’ll die. I would rather pass away, that's so embarrassing.”
You're desperate now. Schlatt is live, and to go to him would be admitting defeat. He would never let you live it down. Chat would never let you live it down. You would forever be known as the person who couldn't open a bottle of Prime.
“Chat, look away.” You bite down on the lid of the bottle. Jaw clenched onto the cap, keeping it solidly in place; you twist the body with all the remaining strength you can summon.
Nothing happens.
The bottle stares at you, bite marks on the lid taunting your lack of strength. Now your teeth are sore and chat is horrified.
Is this what your career has led you to?
You look at your audience for a long, hard while. Contemplating the reality of the situation.
“Fucking- fine.” Grabbing the bottle you stand up. “I’ll be back. You can probably guess where I’ll be.”
“What the fuck was that message.” Schlatt laughs maniacally, “That last part didn't have anything to do with the rest of it.”
Chat rushed to message in agreement.
Schlatt’s train of thought was interrupted by a gentle knocking followed by a head poked through the door.
“Oh well look who it is.” Schlatt chuckled.
You walk further into the room with a pleading expression, “No, don’t tell me they snitched on me.”
“You know damn well they would. What do you have behind you?” Schlatt prompts, leaning back to try and see.
“You already know, you're just trying to drag out my suffering.”
Schlatt smiles one of those all teeth grins. The one he reserves for sponsorships and annoying the life out of people. You're half tempted to throw the bottle at him.
“What was the worst food you've tried so far?” He asks.
You stare at him, still holding the unopened bottle he evidently is refusing to open unless you talk with him.
“Beast Burger. Beast style.” you pause, “1/10.”
“Woah! Outpouring empathy for Jimmy! Didn't you ever think of poor Karl?”
“I still have the burger, you're walking on thin ice.”
He holds his hands up in surrender, feigning innocence.
“Schlatt-”
He looks back at you “Alright I’ve had my fun give me the damn bottle.”
You damn near fell to your knees and prayed in appreciation as you handed him the bottle. You couldn't believe the amount of effort you put into opening a bottle of prime of all things. They better give you a sponsorship after all of this free advertising.
“Prime, ladies and gentlemen.” He holds up the bottle to the camera and shakes his head. “Geeze.”
“Are these bite marks?”
“Don’t even ask.”
He grapples with the bottle, settling his grip and with one swift motion he opens it.
You sit there in a few seconds of stunned silence, reflecting on the sheer amount of time you wasted that you'll never get back on a bottle of all things.
“Well,” He starts “Be my guest.” he says as he hands it back to you.
Your brain seems to have woken from its temporary departure “Thank you.” You pause, “Do you wanna try some?”
“Fuck no, give it.”
The instant you hand it to him, he takes a swig of it. “Oh God, that's what 12 year olds are drinking? We’re never going to survive.”
He's curled over his keyboard.
“It can't be that bad, you woss.”
You walk closer to the desk. Making sure you're in frame, you pick up the drink and take a cautious sip.
It's that bad.
The flavour is overwhelming in the worst way possible. Its sweetness is overpowering your other senses, you swear you can feel it rising up your throat into your nose. As your eyes are tearing, you only recognise now that it faintly tastes of coconut.
Slamming down the drink onto the desk, you cough then blink furiously to clear your eyes.
“Chat I blacked out what happened?”
You look around the room, acting dazed before locking eyes with Schlatt.
You both pause in silence before bursting into laughter.
“That was horrendous, holy shit.” He sighs, staring at the wall above his monitor.
“My stomach hurts in ways I didn't think imaginable, I should report these findings to chat.” You pat your hands on the back of his chair and start to walk off.
“You should come around more often.” After a pause he adds, “For the spontaneity and all that.”
“Maybe I will.” You reply, “Bye chat!”
And with a wave, you leave.
Schlatt sits for a moment, gaze lingering on the closed door. Quickly he turns back to the computer, remembering he has a stream to attend to.
“Boys!”
“Juno99: He light up when they walked into the room”
“Mods ban that guy.”