Chapter Text
Wow a prologue already, and in smut which doesn’t even follow the original plot closely. What is the writer thinking? I guess that’s why I’m here to set the record straight for you readers. Hey there folks, it’s me the ghost with the most, the bio-exorcist, the Broadway star, cartoon icon, and Oscar nominated actor, the one the only… well I can’t say my name but I’m sure you get the idea. Now let’s go through a few things real quickly, first things first the writer in no way owns any character or concept associated with the brand of this fan fiction that he is writing, additionally he seeks no form of compensation unless it be front row tickets hand delivered to him by Alex Brightman. Another matter that’s more important to those of you up there is the whole “age of consent thing” so the writer has aged up our leading lady to be eighteen making her legal in every country. Wow you breathers almost take legal matters more seriously than a heart attack, interesting because only one of those things will send you down here with me. Although if you do end up down here with me, you might as well go down on me, don’t worry I give as good as I receive. Alright let me check my notes here from the writer about what to tell all of you. Copyright, age of consent, the greatest jokes ever, OK last thing then continuity: if you care about this then maybe it’s time to turn off your phone and go outside for a while. If the cannon of a smut fan fiction matters to you then you should pick up a job, hobby, boyfriend or girlfriend, or literally anything or anyone else in your life.
Now finally we’re done with all the discretionary shit, and we can start on the whole “being dead” thing. Song parody coming right up:
Hey pervs! Begging your pardon.
Put cocks away, BJ is talkin’.
Now let’s skip the plot and start on the whole
Y’know “being dead” thing
You’re doomed, enjoy your rubbing
Soon your sheets might need scrubbing
And if you even think of edging
I’ll kill you myself
The whole “being dead” thing
Death can get a person stressed
“I should have just once tried anal
Not like it would have been fatal”
I can tell you what comes next
So please be a freak
But stay in a seat
I know you jack off like eight times a week
So just relax, have your fill
Hope that you don’t need blue pills
And take a breath
Welcome to a fic about death
Everybody fucks just fine here
Like Hefner, Joensen, and Swenson here
Woman’s strip clubs have no lines here just
Undress where you want, the whole “being dead” thing
You’re just gonna love the folks here
Yeah, I know your straight, but it’s all a joke here
And every night I do like a ton of coke here
The whole, the whole “being dead” thing
Nobody is bullet proof
“I work out, I eat clean!”
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Time to face the brutal truth
“Cause were all on a hit list
Might not live ‘til Christmas
Choke to death on triscuits
If you’re still reading, nice tits
So take a little break here
Kinda like a wank here
The moans might be fake here
But at least my giant snake’s here
Welcome to a show about death.
That’s the thing with life
No one makes it out alive
See some ass you wanna hit
“I don’t know, I can’t talk to her”
“Grow some balls you freakin’ loser”
Missionary, Doggystyle
Try somethin’ new like piledriver
From puberty to cremation
Hormones just need a little detoxication
I have mastered the art
Of tearing cunts apart
So how about we all make a start
On the whole “being dead” thing
God, I hope you’re ready for a fic about sex
Thank you, thank you and I hope you enjoy your one song parody for the time being. They’re hard to write so there’s no way the lazy, hormonal, freak that’s writing this is going to do one for every number. Now I know you guys are all here for the obvious reason, but first we gotta introduce the gang, so first I need you all to see the Maitlands an adorable little family that have no idea that they’re dying today. Alright so I’ll leave you to it then, we can catch up later, in the mean time I’ll find something to smoke, something to drink, and watch the husband of Maitlands couple, that hunk Adam. But listen to me go on and on when the next chapter should be starting.