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If someone out there is tallying this up, let this be known: Maomao does not want to be here.
But she's here anyway, because, after all, what power does a mere commoner mortal's will wield in front of the Son of Heaven, divine power made flesh? Never mind that he's unfortunately still human, that Maomao still knows the ailment that dares to take him away, and knows what has to be done to that heavenly flesh if they want a hope and a prayer at his survival. So Maomao keeps quiet, keeps her misgivings to herself.
Jinshi will be here soon, they said. But they hadn't used that name, they'd used the other one, the one she kept forcing herself to forget because it would do no good for her to remember it. Maomao insists that she does not know if the promise of his presence is a relief or a threat, even as the stomach medicine she'd asked Chue to let her bring inside answers any question she'd dare to ask.
She'd remembered worrying about him, about what he might hear tonight, as she had packed the medicine up. Maomao had always thought she thinks about that damned beauty a normal amount, just as much as the other people stuck in his orbit, but that...that had been an awakening.
Jinshi arrives, taking his place at the last seat of their table. The Emperor, Former Consort Ahduo, and Jinshi, formally the Imperial Brother. Maomao makes a move to take the serving vessels from Ahduo, hoping for the chance to busy her hands with the weight of the bottles, but when she gets softly and gently rejected (ah, so that's where Jinshi gets those soft eyes from), she feels her blood run cold. Surely someone in this table must know what it means to have her lowly self as a guest in this table?
What kinds of decisions are you planning to make for us? Maomao doesn't know who she wishes she can ask, but she does know that she wants an answer. She can't help but think her presence in this conversation is enough of an answer to that.
It's not even the Emperor calling her "Rakan's daughter" that gets to her, or how carelessly everyone keeps saying Jinshi's other name in front of her, as if her humble ears have a right to hear it. It's not even the Emperor's flare of temper when Ahduo tells him to just blame her for the fate of their child, even if it does make Maomao go into an out-of-body experience for a bit.
It's Jinshi's voice, clear and unwavering in spite of having to go face to face with the Sun of the Empire himself, saying "one woman is enough."
Maomao's brain goes completely blank.
Then it veers off, running into the other direction. Maomao wants to run. Maomao wants to hide. Imperial Presence, Mandate of Heaven be damned, though it feels like blasphemy to even think it. But - Maomao can't help but look at Jinshi, his confident voice, his balled-up fists - she can no longer find it in herself to run without him, either.
She can't help but remember what she told Ahduo before, when the Former Consort had given her a way out: that she's going to make Jinshi concede to her wishes as much as she can, so that neither of them would have any regrets. But Jinshi does not know about that conversation. Maomao had never intended him to, and Ahduo probably didn't either. But she watches him run his mouth like this and can't help but think she should have said something.
But she hadn't, and she wouldn't, and now Jinshi's looking at her with those soft, soft eyes like he always does and something long-forgotten in Maomao's chest feels like it's about to jump out of her throat.
As if it wasn't enough that he was even worrying that "if I were to love only one concubine, wouldn't that turn everyone against her," as if it wasn't enough that he was gently begging off the duties of babies and marriage...that heavenly beauty has the audacity to look at her exactly like that as he says he would rather the one he loves be free if the only other option was to keep her tied to his fate.
Maomao feels rather than sees Ahduo react to this, instinctively - it's the exact same choice that His Imperial Majesty had not let her make. But she can't even bring herself to notice much of what those two are exchanging, not when all she can see are Jinshi's fists, balled up so tightly she can see his veins straining through.
They're dismissed for the moment, of course, after Jinshi answers Ahduo's last question. Maybe something about the Emperor wanting to know the reason behind his former High Consort's tears. They're more than old enough, leave them to it - is what Maomao thinks as the first thing she does as soon as they're out of there is unfold Jinshi's hands, take both of them into hers.
"...what are you doing?" Jinshi murmurs, but it feels like he just wants to say something for the sake of saying something. Because deep within his heart of hearts, he has to know somehow - he only balls his hands up this tight when he wants to reach for Maomao's hand. Because in situations like they had been in earlier, all he wants to do is to hold her hand. It's a bad habit, a terrible weakness, but Maomao holds his hands all the same, her stoic face easily hiding all the noise taking up shop in her brain.
So many people had given her so much advice about what to do with him. What to do with this, the first love he oh-so carelessly left into her clumsy hands. She'd never really listened to them much before, wholly insistent that it will pass and the Imperial Brother's heart will soon be someone else's problem. Sometimes, she finds herself wishing she had remembered the more useful bits a little bit better, because right now his hands are in hers and she does not know what to do.
Chue, that naughty little instigator, not-so-subtly nudges both of them out of the way of the Imperial chambers. "Take a walk, kiddos," she grins. "Lil' old Chue over here will call you as soon as the grown-ups are done talking."
So that's what finds them here, side by side walking through the empty Imperial gardens. Maomao had wanted to take a couple of steps back, considering their positions, but Jinshi had not let go of her hand, even as she stepped away to do just that. The silence feels comfortable around them, but everything just weighs too much right now.
"Why didn't you go?"
As always, it's Jinshi who breaks the silence first.
"I don't quite understand what you mean."
"Former Consort Ahduo confessed something to me, before she was called to His Imperial Majesty's quarters first," Jinshi starts. Maomao's blood runs cold. Don't tell me--! "She said she gave you a headstart, long ago. To leave Li. Why didn't you take it?"
There's an easy way to go about this. She could say her father, she could say her position in the medical office. Heck, she can even say Yao, or En'en, or Chue. But it seems like that's not the way her brain wants her to walk down, because what she hears herself say instead is "I told her I understood what this means."
His eyes widen in surprise, but just as quickly go back to his mask of ineffable nonchalance. The only evidence showing that he had listened to what she said are the faint flush high on his cheeks and the way he grips her hand, a little bit tighter, a little bit closer. His arm just right by her cheek. For someone who oh-so-confidently proclaimed he can let go of her if he has to do so, he sure does not want any space between them.
"But...but you've always said, you've always said I was chasing a lost cause." Jinshi says, voice awed, in clear disbelief. "I'd always made my intentions very specific with you, but you would say that I'm mistaken, or that you're not interested, heck, you even said I must have unusual preferences if I like 'chicken bones instead of abalone', whoever the heck abalone was supposed to be."
"That's what I still think. I still think you're going about this totally wrong and that one day, you're gonna see a more amazing woman and fall for them instead."
That makes him stop dead in his tracks. "Maomao." Her name is almost a whine as it goes past his lips. He takes both her hands in his, making them stand face to face. "I meant what I said, earlier. I can't feel this way for anyone else, just you."
"Then why did you say all that too, earlier?"
"Pardon?"
Something about the way he voices that word really gets to Maomao, for some reason. She'd spent all of tonight biting her lips so nothing she wants to say can make its way out, but if he's gonna be this dense... "All that bullshit about letting me run free. And then all that crap about wanting to shelter me from jealous, grudge-bearing women. Look me in the eyes, Master Jinshi, do you think your actions in the past have ever endeared me to any of those women?"
He flushes a deep crimson, but he obediently looks her in the eyes anyway. Gods above, why is every part of him so goddamned pretty. "Y-yeah, I know I wasn't helping you either, with all my preferential treatment. And that's why I've said that this time, I'll have to go--"
"'Have to go,' my ass. So are you telling me that I'm going to get to stay here, the medical office's court lady as per usual, and I'm going to have to watch you grin and bear it through some loveless excuse of a marriage?"
"No, that's why I said you should have taken Madam Ahduo's offer of an escape - wait, what do you mean? What marriage? What will you be watching? Maomao? Maomao." Every time he'd spoken her name in the past, he was one of two modes - hushed reverence and sheer panic. Now he sounds more like the latter, a drowning man shouting for someone to throw him a lifeline. "What do you mean?"
"If you're worried about what other people will think, I already know what other people will think. I was born and raised in the pleasure district, then I worked in the Inner Palace. I know what jealousy feels and sounds and looks like."
"Yes, that's true, and I don't discount that, but - you saw all those as a third party, a disinterested onlooker. You don't understand what it means to be on the receiving end of those as the Imperial Brother's consort -"
Oh, this little shit -- "Yeah, exactly! I don't understand, Master Jinshi. That's why I was hoping you'd understand it with me! But what do I hear? Some self-satisfying bullshit where everyone else gets what they want except you!"
It's a double-edged sword, that goddamned selflessness - it reminded her of her beloved father Luomen and his bad luck, so it pissed her the fuck off, but it also endeared Jinshi to her, against her scientific rational thinking and all of her better judgment. In all the time she had ever known Jinshi, he had only wanted two things for himself: his ass off the Crown Prince's seat, and...Maomao, herself, for a four-letter word she denies knowing but knows she has to face, sooner or later. It makes sense how he would sacrifice one wish to somehow protect the other, but Maomao cannot help but feel her blood rush through her brain, this rare uncontrolled anger in his behalf.
In a rare reversal of their usual roles, it is Jinshi who tries to calm her down, from all of her righteous indignation. He leans down to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Sometimes you can't have what you want. That lesson was drilled into me from an early age." He says, and Maomao suddenly remembers an old, old conversation with Suiren - something about him being way too attached to his toys. Clearly that left an imprint on his soul, if he's dead-set on following through with this. "I'm okay with whatever happens to me, as long as it means you get to flourish whereever you want."
Maomao considers that, seriously. Earnestly. She knows where he's coming from and knows which of her actions have led to him deciding on this way, but irrationally, she's still rather annoyed by this entire thing. She shakes her head no. "I don't think you fully understand what you mean when I said that I accepted your feelings."
"I thought that meant you were just humoring me." Jinshi admits, with a humorless, robotic chuckle. "Because you have this look on you, sometimes, that tells me you pity me. It's then that I realized I'd rather give up than have you look like that again."
"For such an intelligent man, you sure have your stupid moments. Didn't you say you'll take down everything that keeps us apart? Didn't you say you won't let what I fear become true? How can you do that if you're just going to give up?"
"Maomao..." one of those beautiful hands goes up, wipes the wetness from her eyes.
Somewhere in between her tirade, she had let some angry tears rush forth. She doesn't think she's felt this electric before, and suddenly she realizes - ah. That's why I hate this so much. All that emotion, not enough practicality, not enough scientific thought. But she wasn't some lovesick teenager when she'd decided to take Jinshi's hand then, and she isn't one now. She's exactly the same person she used to be, only with the realization that, even if given the choice not to, she would rather not let go of his hand.
Gods above, saying that out loud, even in her brain - that would be so embarrassing. Maomao feels she's said more than enough, so she clamps her mouth shut, again. Tries to evade his gaze, even though there is now a more-than-decent part of her that no longer wants to look away.
"Maomao," he repeats, in that same gentle tone. "Please, I beg of you, you have to help me put these thoughts of yours to words. Do you mean I shouldn't give up on this, then?"
Yes, you idiot. No, that's too harsh.
"I already promised them I'll go where you go," Maomao says, instead, as he rests his forehead against hers. She squeezes his hand. "You just have to remember to take me with you."
"You..." Jinshi trails off, and chokes on a sob. Maomao feels the familiar wetness as they land on their entwined hands. "You always exceed my expectations."
"You should know as well as I do by now that I see every one of my endeavors to the end." Maomao says, the sudden anger finally off her voice, now replaced with a serenity that often manifests when he's with her. She still doesn't know what love feels like, but for her sake and his, she sometimes finds herself wishing it feels something like this. "I'm not leaving you halfway."
"Thank you," Jinshi says, his eyes blurry with tears when he brings her hands up to his lips to kiss them. "Thank you. I don't have anything else to say but that."
"You don't have to say anything else. Just - please." Maomao hates the way her voice cracks but she has to say this before she fully convinces herself she doesn't really have to. "Please, don't make these kinds of decisions alone. I can handle things by myself, but it would be better if we could handle them together." Shit, how embarrassing. She looks away, out of habit. "Or, at least, that's what I've been told."
Maomao can hear the faintest bit of his usual humor in the laugh that comes out of him, right before he turns her head his direction, leans in to kiss her. She can feel the faintest of smiles against her lips. She's still not quite sure if all this affection truly soothes her the way it appears to do for him, but maybe, given a chance to be together, they can figure that out as they go along.
When they're called back to the Imperial chambers, they go inside, shoulder-to-shoulder, side-by-side, holding each other's hand.
This will all work out, somehow.
Jinshi squeezes her hand, and Maomao takes their first step.