Work Text:
July 23, 2027
London, England.
United Kingdom
________________
Love.
It was silly how a four letter word such as that one held the power to create such chaos. It was simply one small word yet it could change one’s life forever as if it were the magnificent Zeus or our almighty creator. I was just another victim who fell to its powers, though sometimes I was not sure if that was in its self a good or bad thing. I guess in the end things turned out for the better but the trials I, well the two of us, endured along the way were a true testament of just how treacherous love could be.
___________________________________
October 5, 2014
Miami, Florida – Sun Life Stadium (WWA Tour)
United States
________________
The bright florescent lights that hung above the stage slowly switched their positions to face the crowd instead of the stage. Colorful lights still lit up the stage in a wondrous pattern but I was finally able to look out into the crowd without squinting.
I noticed the boys were all walking to the stairs of a section of the stage to sit down and prepare to answer fan questions; I should have done the same but, I hesitated for a fraction of a second. Liam shot me a look of confusion that I was sure to have been on the rest of their faces but I just looked away. I angled my body to face the crowd once again.
Screams; that’s what I should have been hearing but instead all I saw were mouths moving, bodies jumping, and lights swaying in the air. It was almost like a slow blur of movement. Not one single noise from the crowd or stage escaped the arena and floated to my ears. The only sound that I was vaguely aware of was the loud pounding of my heart that grew faster and faster in pace as every second ticked on. The noise of it filled my ears so completely and I feared I would get a headache soon.
I knew why I felt this way. It was the raw, emotional, panic that was flowing through my veins and wreaking havoc on my body that made me feel this way. Just a minor panic attack that was a creation of my mind to stop myself from doing what I knew I was going to do. Though my heart wanted to finally be free, the rest of my body was screaming at me to stop; to not cause irreversible damage that could shatter everything I had ever worked for.
I twisted my head to the side to look at the boys one last time. Liam now held a worried expression and looked ready to jump up at any moment to come over and ask me what was wrong. Zayn and Niall both had confusion written across their faces; this was not in the set list. Finally, I looked to Harry. The moment my eyes met his I saw the pure loneliness and sadness that clouded his eyes. I saw the hurt and betrayal that was buried so deep in those eyes that I had been intrigued with since the first day we met.
And then it was gone; suddenly all I could see staring back at me was a blank expression. Harry looked down and broke all eye contact between us. The painful hurt from that moment shot directly to my heart and I almost felt like doubling over or dropping to my knees while the pain overtook my body.
I could not let myself do that though, for that curly haired boy that sat across from me was broken beyond words and it was my job, my honor, to fix him. To put it into simple terms: Harry was my everything and I loved him with every fiber in my being. That is why I had made up my mind to finally set us free regardless of the consequences. I looked at the other three boys and mumbled a low, “I’m sorry,” into the mic. Before I could talk myself out of it I turned to the crowd of fans and began to say the words that would change everything.
“I know that I am interrupting the show right now but I have something that I need to say,” One deep breathe filtered through my lungs, “This is something that I’m sure has crossed your minds, something that has been talked and debated about for so long. I feel like this is the last chance I will get to tell you all this so I am going to take it.”
Movement caught the corner of my eyes and when I looked back Harry was now stood on his feet a couple steps away from the stairs where the other boys were sat. Harry looked at me with confusion and a hint of wonder. My lips twitched up into a small smile before I looked back at the crowd.
Now or never.
“I want you all to know that I love…”
____________________________________
-Flashback-
X-Factor Auditions: 2010
______________________
Today was the day of my X-Factor audition and to say I was nervous would be an understatement. How does one prepare themselves for something that could change their life and make it ten times better? If the judges liked what they heard I could be on a glorious path one step closer to my biggest dream. This audition was everything and that thought sent me into another nervous episode.
Checking the time I noticed I still had 30 minutes until I was going up on stage so I decided to take a trip to the bathroom; the last thing I needed was to be bouncing around on stage because I needed to wee. I thought I would be able to quickly find the bathroom without any help but after 10 minutes of walking around and passing door after door, I realized I should have just asked someone. Being late to my audition because I couldn’t find the bathroom? Now wouldn’t that be a story to tell.
Stopping the nearest backstage worker I finally was pointed into the right direction. Immediately I took off speed walking to the bathroom. As I reached a door that said men’s bathroom I burst through the door as quick as I could and went straight in. Once I spotted an empty urinal I all but sprinted to it. Unfortunately I startled the boy at the urinal after mine and as I settled into place he jumped slightly which resulted in a bit of his pee splashing on my right Toms covered foot.
“Oops!” said a slightly deep yet velvety voice.
We both quickly looked down at my shoe as the other boy hastily zipped his trousers up. I looked up at the boy next to me and stood nearly stunned for a few seconds as I was captivated by his green eyes. Their color was so vivid and unlike any I had ever seen.
“Hi,” I said breathlessly as we had finally broken our gaze.
“Sorry about the bit of wee on your shoe mate. You, uh, startled me a little when you came in.” The boy said with embarrassment written across his face. Peeing on someone is quite the first impression.
“No,” my voice squeaked, “I’m sorry that was my fault I was rushing and not paying attention.” I cleared my throat and I felt my cheeks heat up just a bit.
“Um, it’s nice to meet you,” he stuck his hand out but then quickly retracted it. “Actually I should probably wash my hands first.” I watched on as a small blush took over his face before he went to the sinks.
“Yeah I’m just going to use the loo really fast.” I went and did my business in an awkward silence as I heard him drying his hands. Awkward first meeting: check. After flushing the urinal I walked over to the sinks, washed my hands, and then dried them along with my shoe. Surprisingly the boy was still there leaning against the last sink by the door.
“Right, um, I’m Louis Tomlinson.” I reached out a hand and felt a smile tug on my lips. The smile grew even wider when the boy shook my hand and smiled back; he had dimples.
“Harry Styles, it’s nice to meet you.”
______________________________________
July 23, 2010
X-Factor Boot Camp
United Kingdom
__________________
Standing backstage with the few remaining people who had also been sent home was absolutely depressing. Everyone was in tears. I felt gutted knowing I didn’t make it through the boot camp round. I was so close to almost reaching my dream and then it was all shattered in a moment’s time. When they had asked a group of us to come back by the stage area I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I saw Harry and a couple other familiar faces but just stood in the group without saying much. Harry was going on about how they probably brought us back just to film us crying and talking about how much we really wanted this; make a bit of good TV.
But then one by one they read off five names, mine was one and Harry’s was another. My hands shook slightly as we were escorted to the stage and then told to walk on. My eyes immediately landed on the three judges still sitting at their table. What could this possibly mean?
First Nicole spoke about how we were all too talented to let go, at which point my heart beat began to pick up. All I remember thinking was ‘please, please let this be a second chance’.
Once Simon began to talk I noticed all the boys next to me were shaking with hope and the girls group was all in tears anxiously awaiting what he would say. “We’ve decided to put you both through to the judge’s houses.”
On cue screams of joy erupted from everyone’s mouths and tears were evident on all our faces. This was it; this was our chance. For a moment I just stood there with my hands over my face trying to absorb all that had just happened. Then, me and the boys all ran to each other and embraced in a group hug. I was directly across from Harry and with our faces so close I could see the giant grin on his face, sparkling green eyes, and pure happiness that shown all over him.
In that moment I could not wait to move forward in this competition with these boys and to get to know Harry.
__________________________________________
December 21, 2011
Wolverhampton – Civic Hall (first headlining tour date)
United Kingdom
____________________
Today was our first concert of our own headlining tour. It was insane to think how far our group, One Direction, had come since we first were put together on X-Factor. So much had changed and yet even more changes were to come.
“Hey Boo, stop pacing back and forth and just sit down,” Harry said with a laugh. Of course things with Harry and I had changed too. When we had first met I thought we would become really great mates. We did get on well and became practically inseparable but, our feelings started to casually grow past the line of just mates. We would constantly joke around but it seemed every time it would turn into us getting a bit flirtier with one another.
The first time we admitted to liking each other as more than just mates was back at the promo tour for X-Factor. Traveling together really got us to click; us liking each other just happened.
We didn’t tell anyone right away about our feelings. It was something we wanted to keep private and just see where it went. By October of 2011 we had gotten the courage to tell Liam, Zayn, and Niall. At first they were shocked but then they said they were happy for us. According to Niall, you could tell we cared deeply for each other just by looking at our eyes and fond expressions whenever we were together. Having the boys support meant the world to us but, we didn’t tell anyone else. This brought us to now; first tour and a secret relationship between band mates.
Sighing I dragged my feet along the carpet before reaching the couch and plopping down next to Harry. We were in my dressing room trying to relax before the show started. The other boys were walking around doing god knows what. Well Niall was probably eating at the catering table.
“You’re not nervous Haz?” I spoke quietly to Harry as I leaned on his shoulder.
Harry slowly brought his left hand up and in front of us. “Yeah I am.” I was confused at first until I stared at his hand and saw how shaky it looked. Quickly I reached forward and grabbed his left hand with my right one and set them on my lap. Without a second thought Harry intertwined our fingers.
“You’ll do fine on stage Haz. Every solo will be perfect.” I reassured him. Sometimes I forgot how Harry was younger than me and still insecure about things. He was afraid of messing up and letting the fans down. I hated seeing him down and did my best to cheer him up every time.
Harry’s head rested on top of mine and we sat there in a comfortable silence until Zayn knocked on the dressing room door and told us it was time to head to the stage.
The concert went amazing and it was such a rush being on stage with my mates and knowing that this was our tour. Every single fan in that crowd was there to see us perform. After the show we all ran around backstage laughing and celebrating our first show. It was one of the best memories I will always cherish. Later we all packed into a car and headed to our hotel. Harry and I shared a room so as soon as we said goodnight the two of us went straight to our room. First thing Harry did was grab some clothes and head to the bathroom for a much needed shower. After he was done I went next and relaxed my body under the warm water. Stepping out into the room after my shower I had expected Harry to be asleep or waiting for me to go to bed but, instead I saw him sitting up against the headboard of the bed with a frown on his face while looking down at his phone.
“Harry what’s wrong?” I asked as I rushed over to the bed. At first he didn’t say anything and just kept scrolling through his phone. Realizing he wasn’t going to answer me I grabbed his phone from his hand gently and set it behind me. Harry was still looking down as if the phone had not been removed. When his lower lip trembled a bit I reached up and tilted his head to look over at me. My heart broke the instant I saw his face. Tears were welled up in his puffy green eyes; he sniffled a couple times, and blinked trying to stop the tears from falling.
“Harry what? What happened?”
“My voice broke during my solo. It was so clear and everyone heard it. They’re talking about it all online and they’ll probably never buy tickets to see us again. I was such a disappointment, I’m sorry Lou.” The tears slowly started to slide down his cheek and I wiped them away.
“Come here Haz,” I wound my arms around his shoulders and he leaned into me wrapping his arms in a strong hold around my waist. We sat there in that position for a bit until Harry calmed down.
“Listen to me Harry, you are an amazing singer. You made it through X-Factor because they saw how talented you are. We all made mistakes on stage but it’s okay because it was our first tour and we’ll learn from it. It doesn’t matter what any of those people say on Twitter or in the magazines. They aren’t the ones up there giving there all. Half of them don’t even have one ounce of the talent you hold. You were amazing up there Haz. The boys, and especially me, are so damn proud of you.”
Once again we sat in an embrace until I pulled away and got us under the covers. We both layed there silently listening to our harmonized breathing. Right before I drifted off to sleep I was awoken by Harry’s low voice.
“Boo?”
“Yeah Haz?”
Silence. And then,”I-“
“You can tell me anything Harry, you know that.”
A deep breath escaped Harry before he turned to me and we made eye contact. His dazzling green eyes reflected the moon light that was seeping in from the window with its curtains pulled back.
“I love you Louis.”
My heart stopped for a moment before restarting. I couldn’t believe what he had just told me. Sure we had said I love you to each other before but this was different. This was not me telling one of the boys I love them in a brotherly way before we headed on stage. This was said in an I’m in love with you way.
Harry looked to be growing nervous so I snapped out of my thoughts and said, “I love you too Harry.”
________________________________________
March 4, 2012
Houston, Texas – Reliant Stadium (Better With You Tour)
United States
____________________
“This is getting out of hand boys. Both of you need to stop showing so much affection during interviews or more fans are going to start getting suspicious.”
“Suspicious of what exactly? That Harry and I are a together? Well we are a couple!” I yelled back at the Modest! representative who was video chatting with us.
“Louis you know what the rules are, need I remind you of the contract One Direction signed?”
“We know exactly what that useless piece of paper says.” Harry replied while clenching his fist.
“I am done acting like your babysitter and having people always trying to clean up your messes when you act like a couple of love struck teenagers instead of band mates. You are both under our contract and you will follow every rule set. Louis, Eleanor will be visiting you as soon as we set up some dates. I want you to act like you are completely in love with her, do you understand? In your upcoming interviews you will talk about her as your girlfriend and mention that you met because of Harry. Make up a whole damn story of how you fell in love or we will write one for you.”
“So you expect me to go out there and continue lying to my fans? You want me to lie to the people who have gotten me to the point of success we’re at right now? What the hell kind of role model will I be then?” I couldn’t help but scream at this man. It didn’t matter to me if anyone outside heard what was being said.
“You will do as I say Louis and Harry you will go along with it. You want to act like children about this situation? Then we will treat you as such. You will not be sitting next to one another at any interviews; I want you to keep your distance enough so it looks like you are band mates but nothing more. It will be enforced by your whole media team.”
“But-“ Harry’s words were cut off.
“End of discussion. Goodbye.” With that the man signed off the video chat.
_______________________________________
June 19, 2012
Los Angeles, California – UAN Tour
United States
___________________
“Hey Lou wanna go hang out around L.A. today? Maybe we can stop by a tattoo shop, I have this new idea for-“
“I can’t Harry. Eleanor and I are going to head out in a bit”
“Oh.” I hated hearing the dejection in his voice. “But you were just out with her yesterday in Santa Monica shopping, I’m sure she’ll be fine with us going out for a couple hours. What do you say Boo Bear?” Harry asked with a silly smile.
“No.” I shot him down quick. For a second I felt guilty and like the worst boyfriend ever but I was in a foul mood that day and it was greatly affecting me.
“Lou come on its just-“
“I said no okay? Dammit you think I like having to go out with her? Because I don’t! But you know what I am trying to do what we are told so can you stop nagging me for a second and leave me alone.” I couldn’t snap at management without getting punished somehow, mostly with extra Eleanor dates, sadly Harry seemed to always be in close enough range where he was victim to my rage.
“Nagging? Is that what I’m doing now? Are you being serious right now Louis? Goddammit all I wanted was one day to spend with my boyfriend. I don’t even care if we acted like a couple or just mates; I just wanted to be with you. But I forgot my boyfriend has to go live his double life with a paid girlfriend. So please excuse my nagging.”
“Harry you know it’s not like I don’t want to spend time with you. I just can’t right now.”
“Right now or ever? You know what? Forget it Louis, go spend time with your fake girlfriend and I’ll go out with Niall or someone.”
“Harry,”
“Don’t forget you’re booked the whole rest of the time we’re in L.A. I’m sure they’ve planned some great dates for you and Eleanor.”
The last thing I heard from Harry was his stomping feet and then the hotel door slamming shut behind him.
__________________________________________
September 16, 2012
United Kingdom
__________________
Tweet sent.
Those two words kept lingering in my mind and repeating over and over. I hated myself the second I had pressed the ‘Tweet’ button. I couldn’t believe I had listened to management and sent the exact words they had told me to.
I had called mine and Harry’s relationship a load of bullshit and sent that message out for everyone to see. Harry would see it; he would hate me.
Management didn’t care about how I felt. They thanked me in a quick text saying how appreciated my compliance to stop the rumors was. But they weren’t rumors. I was just a horrible boyfriend.
________________________________________
September 19, 2012
London
United Kingdom
_________________
I hadn’t seen Harry since the tweet was posted.
I was in a relationship with a great guy and I couldn’t even talk to him. I tried calling him yesterday but he didn’t pick up. Later I found out that he had been at a fashion event supporting Cara, his current ‘girlfriend’.
I spent the rest of the night and today sulking. I knew how Harry felt seeing all the pictures and videos; it was a horrible feeling seeing the love of your life with someone else. But what could I do? Management did everything in their power to keep me and Harry away from each other. They played with us like we were merely two little pieces standing on a giant game board of life; they were the players in the lead who bragged as they won.
Currently I was sitting with Eleanor at Starbuck’s. She knew I was down and kept the conversation to a minimum. Eleanor wasn’t a bad person like some thought. Sure she lied and went along with this scheme but she was controlled by management just like us. There had been times were she wanted to stop but they quickly showed her the contract. Sometimes I felt bad about her being dragged along into this horrible lie. She made the best of our situation though and we slowly became acquaintances, not quite friends but we could stand each other long enough to get through the fake dates.
Suddenly my phone rang and I took it out of my pocket.
Harry is calling.
Confused yet happy he was calling me, I answered the phone. “Haz? What’s up?”
“Oops.”
“What? Harry what are you doing?”
“Nooo! Boo you’re supposed to- to say hi! Get it?” A drunken giggle escaped his lips and I knew he was beyond wasted.
“Haz where are you?”
“At home but I think I want to go somewhere.” The faint sound of him running into something and a low curse was heard from the other line.
“No! Absolutely not Harry! Just- Just stay there and I’ll be on my way. 20 minutes tops okay?” As I spoke I began grabbing my things and I told Eleanor I really needed to go. She understood and we both went straight to my car. After dropping her off I speed off to Harry hoping he hadn’t left the house.
Walking into the house I searched for Harry everywhere before reaching his bedroom. I walked in and the first thing I laid my eyes on was Harry sprawled out on his bed in nothing but boxers. For a moment all I could do is stare; my boyfriend had a nice body, what can I say? Then my eyes travelled to his hand and I saw a bottle of liquor almost gone. I wouldn’t doubt that he’d also had a few beers too.
“Boo Bear! I missed you!” Harry suddenly jumped up but too fast, for he toppled over on the bed. “Ha. I fell Boo.”
He was adorable but I was still upset that he went and got so drunk. “Harry what were you thinking?” I asked him as I went to the side of the bed and sat by him. I had a bit of a tug of war trying to get the bottle out of his grip but he finally let go. As soon as I put the bottle on the bedside table I felt two arms snake around my waist and I was pulled forward. I fell onto harry with my hands braced on his chest. Okay, not a totally bad position but he was drunk. I had to keep telling myself that.
“Hey Boo you like this spot or should I be on top?” A wink was sent my way followed by another drunken giggle.
“I’m not giving in to your cheekiness. Why did you get drunk?”
“You talk to much Boo Bear.” With that I was pushed to the side and Harry rolled on top of me. Just as I was about to talk Harry shut me up by placing his lips upon mine. I wish I could say I pulled away and resisted but I’d be lying. It felt too good to kiss him again and it had been days since we had kissed; sue me for missing my boyfriend’s lips.
The kiss slowly deepened and Harry let out a sexy moan when I reached up and tugged on his curls. Our lips were franticly locked onto one another, bodies began to grind, and our breathing picked up speed. It was rare that we got moments to be intimate so when the time came around the feelings were multiplied by all the built up tension that was wreaking havoc in our bodies.
I felt Harry’s long fingers glide down the sides of my stomach before settling at the bottom hem of my shirt. He pushed the material half way up before reluctantly pulling away from the kiss. I hastily sat up and let him remove the shirt. As I laid back down on the bed I felt hot open mouth kisses being placed all over my chest. They were sloppy from Harry’s drunken state but the sensation still felt amazing.
“Gonna take good care of you Lou…” Harry whispered in my ear while fluidly removing my belt.
After we finished we both laid cuddled on the bed. Harry’s head was lying on my chest as I had my arms around him. My hand lightly glided up and down his right arm. Everything just felt right with Harry. No other person could make me feel so content with life. It was a picture perfect moment, well it was until my hand ghosted over Harry’s inner wrist. My fingers went over the area one more time with more pressure hoping I didn’t feel what I thought I had the first time.
Harry’s usually smooth skin had what felt like lines of bumpy scabbed skin. As if noticing what I felt Harry suddenly pulled his wrist away from my touch.
“Harry what’s on your wrist”
“Nothing Lou.” He replied while sitting up and moving away from me on the bed.
“If it’s nothing then show me your wrist.”
“No. Really it’s nothing. Lou let’s just go to sleep, I’m starting to feel a hangover.”
“Haz if it was nothing you wouldn’t be hiding your wrist from me.” With one quick movement I latched my hand onto his arm and prepared to flip it to reveal his wrist.
“Lou please, don’t, just don’t worry about it.” Harry pleaded to me with worry forming in his beautiful eyes.
“Harry why would I-,” my speech cut off as soon as my eyes fell on his wrist when I turned it over. I swear I felt like crying the moment I saw them. I knew they couldn’t be by accident; they were self-inflicted. Two straight lines ran across his wrist scabbed up but still looking new. Tears blurred my vision and one lone droplet fell from my left eye and landed directly onto one of the cuts.
“Lou I’m sorry…”whispered Harry as he choked on a sob.
“Harry. Why would you do this to yourself?”
“I just couldn’t do it.”
“Do what?”
Harry startled me when he looked up suddenly and stared me straight in the eyes. Tears were welled in his eyes but they blazed with an angered fire. “I couldn’t stand back and watch you two together! I couldn’t cope with remaining silent and acting like it didn’t affect me or hurt me so much! It kills me inside every single time I have to see a picture or read one of those damn articles talking about how great of a couple you are. I always have to bite my tongue and remain silent in the background like I don’t have a voice that wants to be heard. I am basically destined to always be a third wheel in my own relationship.”
“Harry I know that it sucks and hurts but you need to understand that I love you, I love you so much that hurts. Regardless of what management does or what they make me do, I will always love you and there is nothing they could ever do to stop that from being true. All the way up until the moment I take my last breath I will love you more than anything and anyone.”
“But Louis-“
“No Harry there are no buts. I love you and I always will, I promise you that. I need you to promise me that you’ll never ever do this again.” We were both a crying mess at this point. “Please, please if you love me you will make that promise.”
“I promise Lou.”
__________________________________________
November 9, 2012
Los Angeles, California
United States
____________________
“They don’t know how special you are
They don’t know what you’ve done to my heart
They can say anything they want
‘Cause they don’t know about us”
“You know what I love most about this song?”
“What?”
“That we wrote it together and nobody was able to stop it from getting on the album. Now everyone will be listening and singing along to our love story, whether they know it or not.”
“Management will never be able to take that away from us Boo.” I felt a light kiss being placed on my head before going back to singing along to ‘They Don’t Know About Us’.
____________________________________________
December 2012
World
_________________
Haylor was a joke.
___________________________________________
June 1, 2013
Cheshire, England
United Kingdom
_________________
I was getting ready to leave to grab something to eat when Harry rang me the morning of Anne’s wedding.
“Hey Haz what’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for the wedding?”
“Boo remind me again why I agreed to be the best man at the wedding?” No hello I guess.
“Um, because this it’s your mum’s wedding…” I trailed off my sentence confused as to why he asking this.
“Right, okay yeah…”
“Harry what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing…”
“Harry you’re my boyfriend whom I happen to love, I think I would know when you’re lying and something is bothering you.”
A small laugh escaped Harry’s mouth before he whispered, “I love you too.” My cheeks heated up a bit with a small blush. I would never get used to that curly haired guy telling me he loved me. I heard a sigh through the phone before he spoke again. “I’m just bit nervous about the speech I have to give in front of everyone. It’s silly I guess, I mean I perform in front of thousands of girls for a living, but this just feels different.”
“It’s okay Haz. I get it, this is not just some random strangers it’s your family and friends. You just don’t want to disappoint the people you care about.”
“Yeah, you know how much I hate letting people down.”
“I know Haz but listen to me okay? You will be fine up there. If looking out at everyone’s faces makes you nervous just keep your eyes on your mum. Pretend like it’s just you and Anne and you’re letting her know how happy you are for her. You can’t mess up talking about that because you love your mum and only you know exactly how you feel.”
“See this is why I love you Lou you always know what to say to make me feel better.”
“Really? I thought you loved me because you happened to have this weird sass fetish.” I jokingly reply.
“You mean ass? ‘Cause Lou you do have one great bum.” I can just picture the cheeky smirk plays on his lips.
“Harry there better not be anyone in that room with you or close enough to hear.” I warned. How embarrassing would it be if Robin or one of his relatives heard him talking about my bum?
“Don’t worry babe no one is around. They won’t hear me talking about your perfectly round-“
“Harry Edward Styles if you dare finish that sentence…”
A loud laugh boomed from the other end of the phone and I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle; Harry’s laugh was contagious.
“Aw come on babe we haven’t ever talked like this over the phone. How about we experiment a bit?”
“Talk like what?” I asked oblivious to what he was hinting at.
“You know, about each other over the phone and what we would do if we were in the same room…” It wasn’t until his voice trailed off did I understand what he meant. If I could see my face in the mirror right now I know it would be a bright red.
“Harry are you- do you mean, like um, phone sex?” My voice whispered the last words of the sentence slightly embarrassed. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and I definitely had a good physical relationship; I just wasn’t ever the one to suggest anything really. Harry was the one who liked to experiment and though I went along with them happily, I still blushed when Harry was so open about these kinds of things.
“Yeah, Lou. It will be fun and I haven’t seen you. I could really use a little attention, if you know what I mean.” I could picture the smirk and his cute dimples showing. Cheeky lad he was.
“Haz we can’t do that when you’re about to be in a wedding!”
“We’ll make it quick I promise Boo!”
I let out a soft sigh. “Okay fi-“
“Harry are you ready to go take the wedding pictures? Everyone is just waiting on you.” A voice rang out from somewhere on Harry’s end.
“Uh, um, yeah I’ll be right out.” I heard a door shut as Harry shuffled around.
“Damn we were this close too, I mean I didn’t actually expect you to say yes.” Harry’s voice had shock clearly laced in it.
“It’s too bad, I was really looking forward to telling you all the things I would do to you right now…” I teased.
“Oh fuck. Lou we are not done okay? I’m calling you after the ceremony and we are continuing this.” Harry cursing was such a turn on.
“I don’t think I can Harry, I have plans later.” Again I teased him. I had absolutely no plans this evening.
“Well you’re cancelling them. You can’t just make me hard with anticipation and then expect me to forget about it. We will finish this later and you will be moaning my name as if I am there with you in person. Now I have to go but I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”
A choked, “I love you too,” left my lips before the line went dead as we hung up.
Needless to say, I had to take a cold shower as soon as I put my phone down. Oh, and Harry came through on his promise that night.
______________________________________________
December 7, 2013
New York City, New York
United States
_______________________
Harry told me he was having fun spending time with Kendall. I knew that she was management’s latest publicity girlfriend for Harry but I couldn’t stop myself from getting jealous and upset with the situation.
It wasn’t that I hated Kendall, I mean I didn’t particularly like her, but I didn’t really know her. What I didn’t like was her flaunting around Harry and talking about him to everyone. She knew he only asked to spend time with her because of our management yet she was taking advantage of the situation. I felt like every time they were out it just got worse and worse.
I was beyond pissed when he told me she asked him to be on her show. She was becoming so obsessed with being with him and the press was eating it up; they all thought Kendall was just so in love with Harry. She was delusional if she actually thought Harry would ever go on her reality show. I made sure Harry faced the fact that her and her family were using him for the attention he brought them.
Hendall was another December joke.
_________________________________________
February 19, 2014
Brit Awards
London, United Kingdom
______________________
I have never been so embarrassed for Harry.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I was worried when we had to get up for our Global Success Award and Harry was nowhere in sight. All the way up the stage I was trying to figure out where that curly haired guy went. The second I saw him running through the room to the stage my worry was immediately replaced with embarrassment. I mean he looked ridiculous and I know all the boys were trying their hardest not to laugh. All I could do was stare up at the ceiling and ask myself, “why my boyfriend?”
After we walked off stage with the award is when Niall broke off into hysterics. Soon all of us were laughing while Harry stood off to the side blushing madly.
“Harry w-what were you t-thinking?” Liam said in between laughs. Zayn was leaning on Niall as they both tried to steady themselves from falling over from laughing.
“I just really had to wee…” If possible, Harry got even redder than before and showed off a small shy smile.
Taking out my phone and checking Twitter I once again erupted into laughter. “Oh my god, Haz! You’re all over Twitter. These pictures are hilarious! They made pictures of you running from the cops, explosions…”
“Look at that one! He’s running from the Teletubbies!” Zayn pointed out. By now we were all laughing so hard with tears streaming down our faces; even Harry joined in eventually.
These were the good times I wish we had more off. Me, Harry, and the boys just laughing and having a good time- it didn’t matter that Harry and I were a couple, we were just living in that happy moment. I wish I would have known that things weren’t going to get better for me and Harry. Maybe I could have somehow avoided the day I found out Harry’s secret, the day Harry had enough of our secret relationship and managements control over us.
_______________________________________
October 5, 2014
Miami, Florida – Sun Life Stadium (WWA Tour)
United States
___________________
Before the concert…
Things haven’t been the same between Harry and me. I hated the fact that we were acting so distant from one another. It seemed no matter how many good memories we had together, all the bad still outshined them.
Mine and Eleanor’s “relationship” was still the big issue. I had tried to convince management to at least let me be single; I’d break up with Eleanor but would remain single and no one had to know about me and Harry. Of course they turned it down as per usual. In fact I was sent on a date the next day and later found out she would be in my mother’s wedding. The look on Harry’s face when I told him she would be in it was heart breaking. I thought he wasn’t going to show up but he still did. The whole day I watched him talk with my family as if he was a part of it and I longed for that to come true. My mum had told me she would say no to Eleanor being in the wedding if it hurt us too much- she could care less about management. In the end I told her it needed to be done. She was nice to Eleanor regardless but I knew it wasn’t her most genuine behavior.
It just went downhill from there. On tour it wasn’t the same with me and Harry. Usually we took advantage of being on tour because we could be spotted together without much talk and we could sneak into one another’s hotel rooms to be alone. As the tour in North America went on I could see Harry pulling away from me more and more. He’d make up excuses to not spend time together in the dressing rooms, we rarely shared a hotel bed as he would make an excuse that he was going out or would fall asleep before I got to the room, and he made little contact with me while we were on stage.
I didn’t even know if we were in a relationship still at this point. The small peck on the lips that came every few days was not what I was used too. I wasn’t the only one who had noticed something was wrong with Harry. The boys had been asking him constantly if he was okay but he would just put up a fake smile, crack a joke, and then they would let it go. I knew better though. Harry was far from okay and he wouldn’t let me question him about it.
Today was just like the rest of the past few weeks; here I was sulking in my dressing room while Harry hid somewhere trying to avoid me. It has been a week since our last kiss and the only conversations that we have had are strictly business. I was at my breaking point already. I was tired of avoiding the inevitable talk Harry and I needed to have. Deciding I have depressed myself enough, I stood up from the couch and left the dressing room. Turning around the corner of the hallway I headed straight for the area I knew our security team would be; if anyone knew where Harry was, it was them.
Luckily our security was exactly where I thought and after a small conversation they let me know that Harry was hanging out in one of the empty dressing rooms in a hallway that wasn’t being used.
Harry here I come. Don’t even think about trying to avoid this again.
Three empty rooms later I finally found the one Harry was in. He hadn’t noticed me yet and I was just standing by the doorway analyzing what he was doing in here. He was sitting shirtless on the floor leaning back on a random sitting chair that was left in the room. What confused me the most was that he was staring down at the left side of his hips with his pants pulled back a bit.
“Harry?” I kept my voice quiet so I wouldn’t scare him so much but the moment he heard my voice his body tensed and his fingers stilled by his side. “Harry please, we really need to talk.”
He rose from his spot, took a deep breath, and then slowly turned to face me. His eyes were trained to the ground, “There’s nothing to talk about Louis, we need to go get ready for the show.” He wouldn’t meet my gaze for even a second.
“No Harry we need to do this now. We’ve held this off for too long already so don’t make up more excuses; we’ve still got time to get ready.”
I was met with complete and utter silence from Harry.
“Are you really going to do this to me Harry? Are you just going to continue ignoring me? I’m your boyfriend dammit! We’re supposed to be able to talk to each other and you’re standing there like a brick wall!” I couldn’t contain the frustration and anger any longer.
Finally he looked up at me and made eye contact. The moment he talked I knew that there was no way this was going to be a calm conversation. His gaze was heated and his tone of voice was venomous.
“You’re right I should be able to talk you, but how the fuck am I supposed to talk to you when the problem is hanging off your damn arm all the time or posing next to you in every photo! What the hell am I supposed to say? That I am jealous of a girl who is dating my boyfriend? That I don’t understand why you follow every single rule management throws at you? Tell me what you want me to say because I have no clue where you want me to start!”
I stood in the room inches away from the doorway, stunned for a few moments. Harry’s chest was rising and falling fast as he angrily breathed in and out. It was like he was a time bomb; his fuse had been lit for so long but now it had reached its exploding point.
“Harry I-“
“You what Louis? You have no idea how I feel right now or what I have been going through. So what could you possibly tell me right now?”
“So tell me then Harry, for once just tell me how you really feel.”
Harry brought his hands up to his face and rubbed his eyes. He kept his hands there as he tried to calm himself down. I would have tried to comfort him more if I hadn’t caught sight of something that had my breath catching in my throat, hands stilling at my side, and tears springing to my eyes.
“Harry, please tell me you didn’t…not again…”
There was a reason why Harry tensed when I first walked in and why he was staring down at his left hip. With his hands stretching up to his face the skin of his hip showed and peeking out from the top of his unbuttoned black skinny jeans were bright crimson lines. They weren’t marks from scratching to hard or from running into something; they were the same deliberate, self-inflicted, marks I had seen before on his wrist.
“Harry you promised me you wouldn’t do that again…”
Harry lowered his hands from his face and streams of tears were running down his beautiful face. “We promised each other a lot of things Louis but those promises just keep getting broken. We make plans to go out but you break them by saying you have somewhere to be. You tell me you don’t care what Modest says but when I beg you to sit next to me you hesitate and ignore me if you do or you just sit next to someone else altogether. I constantly hear you tell me that you love me and that you’ll never let anyone break us apart…but look where we are Louis! I can’t even bare to be in the same room as you anymore because I hate the pain of having to pretend all time!”
“Harry it’s not-“
“It’s not your fault. I know Louis, it’s Modest that’s the problem right? Everyone is so quick to blame them but no one stands up to them because we might lose everything we’ve worked for. You blame them so much Louis but…don’t you see that you go along with their every plan. You’re like their personal little puppet. I refuse to let them pull my strings anymore and I give up on trying to make this work. It’s clearly not working and I don’t think it ever will, not like this.”
“Harry don’t say that, please.” I choked out. My vision was quickly being blurred by tears as I realized what he was trying to say.
“I’m done Louis,” a humorless laugh mixed with a sob came from Harry’s mouth, “I’m just so done. That’s what these mean Louis,” Harry said as he revealed the fresh, raw looking red slashes that disturbed the skin of his hip bones. I lost my breath at seeing them and pain tore through my heart. Noticing my distraction he quickly snatched up his shirt from the chair beside him and began walked past me. I reached out but my hand missed him, fingers grazing his side.
“Harry, please, I’m so sorry! I love you! I promise it will be better, I’ll do anything!” I begged.
Harry slowly turned to face me before he reached out the door. “Answer me this Louis, will you ever stop following Modest’s requests? Will we ever be free?”
“I- I don’t-…” I stumbled over my words and then went silent as I stared at him. I didn’t know if I could answer that. If I stopped following their rules we’d lose everything; the concerts, the fame, traveling, music, and the fans.
“Don’t worry Louis you don’t have to answer, you’re silence already did.” With that Harry turned and left.
In that moment I realized that even though I didn’t go against Modest…I had just lost the one thing, the one person, that actually meant something to me.
________________________________
October 5, 2014
Miami, Florida – Sun Life Stadium (WWA Tour)
United States
_________________
During concert…
That was what had brought me to this exact moment.
Every single moment shared between Harry and I brought me to this very moment that would change everything for us. But honestly, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I didn’t know what the future held for us. I didn’t know if the fans would hate us and we’d never be able to play a show again, but I knew I’d have Harry and that’s all I cared about. I’d go back to just being Louis from Doncaster if it meant I could have Harry for the rest of my life.
As soon as Harry had left that room hiding his scars I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t fight for him. I’d be the stupidest lad on the planet if I let go of the man who I considered my best friend and my soul mate. Harry was right; we couldn’t let ourselves be the personal puppets of Modest any longer. I had followed their rules for so long and all I got out of it was pain, trouble and loss. Yes I had a career but now I realize that I couldn’t lose what Modest never gave me. Simon signed us to his label and from there the boys and I came together to make one amazing group. Modest may have helped with our promotions but it was us five lads that recorded the songs and went up every night to perform our talents for the world. Without them we would still have that and they could never take that away from us.
“I want you all to know that I love…my career.”
A round of screaming followed my statement but I quickly gestured for them to quiet down. As the room settled in to silence I pushed my worries away and just let my words, everything I had ever wanted to say, just flow from my thoughts and through my mouth.
“I love everything about it. Performing for all of you has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I can’t express how grateful I am to have fans like you lot who support us and inspire us to make ourselves better. So I thank you for that. But, beyond that I thank you for allowing me the privilege of traveling this crazy journey with the person who means the absolute world to me.”
A collective gasp went through the crowd along with a few screams from the fans that had caught on to who I was talking about. It was now that I hoped the “Larry Stylinson” fans would come forth and show their support because I needed it so bad.
“I could stand up here and go on and on about all the things that make this person so special to me but I’d rather just say the most important thing. The thing that will set us both free from the cage we’ve been locked in for far too long. This one thing could take this all away from us but I can’t hide it any longer. I just hope that you all continue to love us and that you don’t let this change the love you’ve had for me and the guys.”
At this point I turned to look at Harry I and saw that he was now only a couple feet away. I glanced away and I didn’t hesitate for a second as a spoke the words that broke us free from the shackles of Modest.
“I am in love with Harry Edward Styles. The curly haired boy I met in the bathroom; the green eyed man who drives me crazy sometimes with his cheeky personality and weird jokes. I’ve had the pleasure of calling him my best friend but I want everyone to know that he is far more than that. He is, and always will be, the love of my life and I don’t care what anyone says.”
I turned my body to face Harry and spoke directly to him, “Haz, I don’t care if I have to live a completely normal life with no fame, I just want some kind of life with you. I couldn’t bear to lose you ever.”
A commotion had taken over the arena and I didn’t know if it was a good or bad reaction, for all I was focused on was the younger man in front of me who had stolen my heart from the moment we met.
Harry seemed to be stunned into silence with a dazed look on his face. Any other day I would have found it quite comical but during such a significant moment I remained still with my heart hammering away in my chest and my eyes locked on his. Finally he seemed to piece everything together and with a big grin spreading across his face he leapt at me and wrapped me in a hug. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around him. His embrace said it all; how much he loved me and how happy he was.
He moved his face so his lips brushed my ears, “Marry me Lou.”
My heart nearly burst out of my chest at hearing those words. I felt that familiar flutter in my stomach and the tingles of love spreading throughout my body. Pulling back from our embrace I looked at Harry’s face and took in the pure happiness displayed across his face. I hadn’t seen Harry so abundantly happy in such a long time.
Our moment was interrupted as a heavy force plowed into us. Harry and I nearly toppled over but someone reached out to grab us. Glancing to our right we saw Niall steadying himself as he grabbed onto us. He had a huge grin on his face and he was practically bouncing from foot to foot with excitement.
“What the hell just happened? Louis you finally did it! Holy shit!” Niall exclaimed. The excitement was rolling off of him in waves. Niall had always been the one who supported us the most and would occasionally help create a distraction when we needed one.
Behind him Liam and Zayn walked up to with smiles on their faces. “Love you guys.” Zayn told us with a smirk. “Aw bring it in lads!” Liam joked as he brought us into a group hug.
I couldn’t describe the happiness felt knowing the guys were right there with us. It wasn’t until we all dismantled ourselves from the hug that I finally remembered the crowd. I took a deep breath and turned to look out at the mass of people who were creating so much noise. I was scared that I’d find thousands of fans yelling their disgust or maybe empty seats around the arena from all the fans that left.
Instead I focused in on the sound and heard screaming but it wasn’t from horror or disgust, the fans were jumping around with each other and screaming with joy. Some were smiling, others had tears of what I hope were happiness. I couldn’t control my emotions at that moment and I felt tears well up in my eyes before a couple started to trickle down my face. I was so overwhelmed with the love from the fans.
I felt someone take my right hand in theirs and I looked over to see it was Harry. His beautiful face displayed the same emotions I was feeling and he was smiling wide with a few tears glistening on his cheeks. The boys had taken a few steps back to let us enjoy our moment. Liam was off to the side shaking his head at the representative of Modest who was yelling and signaling for us to get off stage. We wouldn’t do it though; this was our moment and no one would take it away from us.
“We’re free Lou. I can’t believe you did this for us.”
“I have loved you since I was 18 Harry, I’d do just about anything for you.”
A twinkle shown in Harry’s eye as he grinned at me. “I love you so much Boo Bear.” My heart beat speed up at the nickname, it had been so long since he called me by it.
And with that, Harry grabbed my face and pressed his hands to my cheeks as he leaned down to kiss me in front of a whole arena of fans with cameras and an angry media team.
It was pure, utter, bliss.
_____________________________________
July 23, 2027
London, England.
United Kingdom
_________________
Love makes you do crazy thing’s, that’s for sure.
After the initial shock of the unscripted announcement wore off, things got a bit crazy. We finished the show that night with extra passion and a happiness we hadn’t felt in a while. Once we got off stage more Modest representatives had shown up and questions of “what we were thinking” were coming out of all their mouths. Luckily Paul rounded the five of us up and pushed them all away so we could make it to the tour bus. The bus wasn’t a safety zone for us unfortunately. An emergency skype meeting was being set up to talk with the heads of Modest in the UK.
To make things short, there was a lot of yelling. It felt amazing to finally get out all my anger and frustration. Modest threatened told us they were done with us and we would never have a career after this. Liam was actually the first one to respond to that; I had never seen Liam so angry before. He defended Harry and I so avidly and told them that it didn’t matter if they didn’t want to sign us any longer, we would have left them regardless. Harry was beyond pissed and demanded they call Simon but after they refused Zayn made the call himself.
To say Simon was shocked by my way of announcing this would be an understatement. He immediately made Modest get off skype with us so he could video chat with us alone. It was the longest video conversation we had ever had.
Apologies were spewed out, frustrations were vented, and finally a decision was made.
We officially “came out” two days later on Good Morning America. It was the most terrifying interview of my life. We were asked so many questions and we answered them all truthfully. After that it was as if everyone wanted us on their shows. Me and Harry kept it simple and only chose a few to go on; there is only so many times that you can repeat the same answers over and over.
In the weeks that followed we were praised by many for our courage to come forward and reveal our true selves. Of course there was plenty of hate that came with our reveal as well. It was hard at times to hear or read the comments being thrown at us. Harry and I ended up visiting our families for a bit to get away from the media. Niall, Liam, and Zayn were so understanding and agreed that we all needed a break. I couldn’t be more thankful to be in a band with those lads.
In the end life moved on.
The band came back together after a couple months and we started writing together; it was just us five and no one else. The freedom we had with no one telling us what we could and couldn’t write was incredible. Finally Simon contacted us saying that he had a brand new media team who would be honored to sign us. From that point everything seemed to go forward quickly. We recorded our first fully original album and tour started the day the album dropped.
So much happened over the next few years; it wasn’t all happy or good but we got through it. Zayn was the first to the leave the band and then the inevitable end of One Direction came but there weren’t any bitter thoughts, we felt content with the wonderful career we had. We all went our separate ways but not once did we have a falling out. We kept in touch and had regular family gathers.
Harry and I, well we continued with music as well as developed our own charity. Harry did collaborations here and there and we both wrote for various artists. I opened my own record label and signed some incredible artists. It was crazy to think that we once thought we’d lose everything, yet here were years later with music still in our lives.
And as for a family Harry and I got the one we always dreamed of. After we married the two of us adopted three beautiful children who never failed to bring so much light to our lives. Our oldest was Connor the football player, next was shy little Mason who had his heart set on playing every instrument known to man, and last was our beautiful Harper who brought laughter to our lives often. Harper was just as cheeky as Harry and she had him wrapped around her finger the second he laid eyes on her.
I still have moments were I try to comprehend all that has happened so far. It’s insane to believe the massive amount of success we had and to see how far we have all come. When Harry and I met all those years ago in the bathroom I never imagined we’d get to this point.
Harry would always be my compass home, just as I will be the anchor to our family ship. The moment I confessed about our love will always be the greatest thing I ever did because it brought me to the present.
A blue-eyed boy from Doncaster fell for the green-eyed boy from Holmes Chapel in the most genuine way, and with their freedom they did the most magnificent thing; they lived.