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The summer wind blew softly in the air and shook tall trees and bushes. In which had sun glaring through the leaves into Kanade's eyes. The same hoodie that she'd been wearing on rotation covered her slim figure, the baggy sleeves bundled in her hands.
Although the bright sunlight would indicate otherwise in some sort of fairytale, today was a sombre day. But it made sense to Kanade, she'd learnt from an extremely young age that life wasn't a fairytale, instead it tried to pull you down at any moment possible
Part of that was the reason Kanade felt she had to compose after all, after life had failed both her and every person around, she knew she needed to save them,
She needed to save them with her music
Today was one of the rare days she took away from her computer, usually if she did take a break it would be to visit her father, or to hang out with her group
But that day, that day was more important than a usual day out to her
Today was the anniversary of her mothers death
She remembered being told, being told that the woman who had raised her had passed. She remembered crying in her fathers arms knowing that she'd never see the woman she'd loved dearly again. She remembered a million thoughts passing her brain in just a couple of milliseconds
'What could i have done to save her?' That thought had always stuck put to her the most, maybe if she where a better daughter she felt if she where, then maybe, maybe-
Kanade took a deep breath, smoothing back the long hair out of her face as she tried to remind herself that there was nothing that she could do now, nor that there was nothing that she could have done then and instead carried on her dreadfully slow walk towards the flower shop
And of course her walk was extremely slow, she knew that, her physical fitness had declined from the already sad state it was in since her mother had died, and then had nose dived when her father fell into a coma
'It's my fault'
She reminded herself walking into the small shop, it was some younger womans own buisness, she'd seen the white chrysanthemums on the shelf weeks before when she was out with N25 and had kept the store hidden in the back of her mind until that day
Awkwardly Kanade walked to the counter in which a nice woman stood, she had light brown hair and a flower in her hair, as well as a uniform for the shop
The woman smiled "What can i do for you today" It was a weirdly welcoming smile that could light up a room, Kanade smiled back melancholy
"Do you have a bouquet of white Chrysanthemums?" She asked as she avoided any sort of eye contact, instead focusing on the aranged flowers around the room
"I don't have one made up right now" the woman explained, Kanade sighed dejected and was about ready to leave, but the woman jumped in "but i do have enough for a Bouquet, it will take around 5 minutes to arange"
Kanade smiled again and sat in one of the chairs, flowers where painted on them, so she luckily had that to distract from her overflowing thoughts about her time with her mother
After 5 long, painful minutes, the large Bouquet of flowers was finished, Kanade thanked the woman for the short notice and put some extra money onto the counter as a tip
Even seeing the Chrysanthemums was a deep reminder of her mother, playing in the park near the 'flower feild', in which she'd found out was actually just a couple rows of flowers, and the music her dad would play for the two of them
Chrysanthemums where her mothers favourite flower
The beautiful small petals that overlaped, created a nice pattern, that was repeated with each flower and yet none where the exact same
Kanade could feel the tears forming in her eyes as she got closer to the graveyard, every wingle step she took caused memories to flood her already overwhelmed brain. But still she wouldn't let herself cry, not in the middle of a busy street like the one she was in
She knew she would have worried someone, and if someone was worried, for her, she knew that she wasnt saving them
So she held the Bouquet with one hand and constantly used her other arms sleve to wipe the tears that had formed in her eyes, willing herself to stop crying as she staired up at the clear sky
Honestly, she couldn't remember arriving at the graveyard, her body had moved her almost as if it where on autopilot while she moved, her brain too focused on every single memory of her mother
Kanade didn't think it would be this hard to visit the grave, after years of visiting with her father, she didnt feel that alone it would be much different, yet
Yet she struggled to handle this
Being alone
Finally finding her way to the grave, Kanade knelt in front of it
Anything else would have told you that today was a happy day, the sunlight peaking through the tree's and the warm breeze sifting through her hair, the people that had laughed and chatted at the crossing when she'd walked by
But anyone would have told you it was a nice day then aswell
She placed the beautiful Bouquet onto the grave, it made her feel almost sick to think that she'd never see her mother again, it had every year. Year after year, even if the pain was meant to get better
It didn't
Nothing had dulled, nothing had been accepted or forgotten, her thoughts hadn't changed
Slowly Kanade lent her head forward, hot tears coating her cheaks, she told herself not to cry so many times and yet she couldnt stop them from flowing
One thought fought for her attention, one thing that she'd said with such casualty when she was alive, such joy in her childish expression, overusing the meaningful words, that although where said too much, they weren't said enough
"I love you... Mom"