Chapter Text
Instead of the elevator, David took the stairs to the roof. He had no idea why. Perhaps his body didn’t deserve the solitary rest of the lift. The confinement was too freeing for his thoughts. He didn’t want to think right now.
So he climbed. He climbed and he climbed and he climbed until he was up on the roof and the night sky was just there. Right above him. David could’ve touched it, it was so close. The stars must’ve been barely a centimetre above David’s head as they taunted him with their Los Angeles invisibility. David always hated light pollution. But now, with the moon somewhere out there and the million skyscrapers and apartment blocks and other buildings, it was kinda beautiful. A whole world right in front of David’s eyes. A Van Gogh painting just over the ledge.
And Jo was by the ledge. Perfectly poised, staring into the distance. She wouldn’t.. But David just couldn’t lose another person that day..
“Wait, don’t jump!”
The words escaped David’s mouth before he could truly mull them over.
It was such a ridiculous thought. Except it wasn’t impossible. David was proof of that enough.
“What?”
“Jo, whatever you’re going through, no matter how bad it may seem, you will get through this.”
Did David really believe the words he was saying? Or was he just screaming poppycock? A desperate hope that maybe if he could save Jo, he could save everything else.
“Okay? You have people who love you. You have friends, family. Do you have family? I don’t know that much about you. But I’m willing to learn,” he continued, arms stretched out like he was taming a wild raccoon.
With his tousled hair and demented look on his face, David must of looked like a complete maniac. While Jo was just staring at him plainly. God, this was embarrassing.
“I wasn’t gonna jump, David. I just came up here to get some fresh air,” she shrugged.
Oh. Of course. Right.
“Okay. Okay. Great. Yeah. Cool.”
Obviously, you can be on a rooftop without it being about jumping off it, David. Jesus fuck.
And it was wonderful that Jo wasn’t about to kill herself. Duh-doy. Only now she was just standing there. So David had to just stand there too. Really awkwardly, like everything David did. Plus he now had to come up with an excuse.
“Why did you come up here?” Jo asked.
Oh fuck. Shit. Think.
“Fresh air.”
David’s voice cracked. He sounded so stupid and it was a blatant lie. Jo wouldn’t believe it, would she? The thing about Jo was that she could read people. Stare into their very souls and see their deepest fears. And then she would devour them, like the true shark she was. With David as the butterfly. The butterfly with its essence poured out onto its wings, painted oranges and blues for the world to notice. The ugly truth spread out in flight for everyone to marvel at. Only people didn’t marvel at David’s secrets. They took one peek at them, scoffed, and left, not bothering to deal with all the messed up patterns on his wings.
But Jo didn’t press further. She just nodded with a small “uh-huh”. Maybe she didn’t care about the truth. Maybe it meant nothing to her. Maybe she revelled in all its glory.
So they stood there in silence, looking out to their city. Would David miss it?
“Hey, Jo? You wouldn’t mind heading downstairs, would you? What with everyone gone, I think we need someone with authority to supervise whoever’s left,” David said.
“Authority?” Jo repeated with a glance.
David gave a half-nod half-shrug.
“Alright..” she mumbled before heading off.
And then Jo was gone. Just like the testers. Just like Brad. Just like Ian and Poppy. David was alone. Alone, divorced, abandoned, and left to wonder what even was the point.
He’d had a similar moment when his parents got divorced and he moved into his mother’s new apartment. Not with the same intentions but 15-year-old David had stood on the cramped balcony and thought about everything that had led up to then. The wakings up to yelling from the next room. The ever so common sighs of grievance and frustration. The vents to the confused kid whenever the other person was out of earshot. The tension in the air during the moments when the whole family was gathered in the same room. The moment when they were gathered in there for one of the last times as the announcement was delivered.
Then David had to come back to that room only there was no family, there was no kid. There was just him and his wife. Only she was his ex-wife now. And David was left on the balcony of his condo because of course he had to be kicked out of his own house. The worst thing about his divorce, David had decided that evening, was that he’d not only lost his wife and house but also all his friends. Because they were his wife’s, not actual acquaintances of his own. He was just the husband of their real friend who they only agreed to hit bars with because at least they’d be drunk throughout David’s boring as shit conversations.
A spider crawled across the ledge, interrupting David’s thoughts. Did it know the dangers that lurked under it? Did it know that if it took a few steps forward it would plummet to death? What if the spider knew more than David ever could?
He once caught a spider in the middle of the night, a few weeks before his wife started talking of divorce. It was 2am or something ridiculous like that and David’s wife had woken up screaming to a spider crawling across her face. He took the spider outside, made a shoddy joke about eating insects while asleep and tried to go back to sleep. But his wife grabbed his arm and mumbled sleepily that the only reason she was still with him was because he got the spiders. David barely got any more rest that night.
There was also that night when he was around thirteen or so and his dad came home from New York. Originally, David was going to stay up late so he could see him the second he got back home. But then his mom was downstairs first and she must’ve smelt beer on his breath or something because they stayed up all night arguing. And David stayed up all night listening and wishing he was at the arcade.
David wished he was at the arcade right now. Or in Yorba Linda with the widow. Or anywhere but this goddamn rooftop with the world beneath his feet. What was he even doing? Why was he here?
Of course he knew. He knew every moment that had led him to the stairs and to the ledge. Each second flashing before his eyes. It was all closing in and the future didn’t exist anymore. Wasn’t that what happened when you died? You saw your life all over again?
David remembered reading a scene like that in one of the Hunger Games books. He cried at that scene and his wife tiredly teased him for being so emotional. That happened a lot, him crying and being mocked for it. That happened a lot, him crying.
The first time he’d cried at work was in the middle of a meeting. Ian was explaining some new biome called ‘Memoriam Forest’ and David had attended his dad’s funeral just a few days ago, not that Ian knew or cared. He just.. started weeping. And then he was sobbing uncontrollably. Poppy tried to console him while Ian started rambling about how great it was that his creation could evoke such a reaction. David took the rest of the day off, leaving the fresh new company to Ian and Poppy.
The last time he’d cried at work was a few days ago. He was just doing work but then suddenly David was thinking about life and the crushing weight of it all. Next thing he knew Brad was silently offering a tissue and David was venting out all his personal frustrations again. Brad had given him an awkward pat on the back and they went back to work when David had calmed down. Neither of them spoke a word afterwards.
It was eerily silent on the roof too, David only just noticed. He’d been so engrossed in his mind he forgot about the world around him. There was nothing but the sound of his own restless breath and racing heartbeat. Was David scared? Of what?
Jo- or anyone really- could come up. David had to act fast. Stop thinking, it only gets you trapped. Stop breathing, it slowly intoxicates you anyways.
A step. A tentative step onto the ledge. Then another. Then a dizzying feeling as the world around David grew and shrank grew and shrank grew and shrank. A breath. A final breath? Courage? Leap of faith! Ha ha. Falling. Leaping. Letting go.
Whenever David imagined this kind of suicide attempt he really had no idea on the details. Would he jump or would he just sort of let himself plunge? How long would the fall be? How long would it feel? Would it hurt?
Safe to say, none of his questions could be answered in the two second descent.
..But did you know that your body tenses up when you throw it off a rooftop? No matter how much you want the deed done? Did you know you are still fucking terrified? Did you know you are probably screaming? Even if you can’t hear it? Did you know the child inside of you is so happy to have finally achieved flying? While you are dying, if not dead? Did you know that the reason the ground feels different is because you died hitting it?!
Did you know David was dead?
There was nothing left to say. David was dead. A wind whipped in the Himalayas. A camel trudged through the Sahara sand. A raindrop fell in the Amazon. A spider crawled across David’s body. Clocks across the time zone ticked into midnight.
And by a most unfortunate miracle, David was alive again. It was yesterday.