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Kai’Sa had to admit that she’s bad at knowing she’s loved.
She’s the type to keep people at arms length only because she knows how easy it is to lose them.
Her mother and her childhood friends ripped apart from her in a desert cave in.
Her father lost himself to alcoholism.
Her nanny, Mrs. Hadley, succumbed to the human fate of old age.
She had been loved but it had been so long since those tender memories of her childhood. The warmth, safety and unbridled joy were irreplaceable but now it felt just out of reach. When she wakes from the crippling darkness of her nightmares, her hands would be outstretched grasping onto thin air. Grasping toward someone who is no longer around.
Too many nights she had spent time stifling her cries – despair creeping into her veins until it has wormed its way into her heart.
Just sitting there. Festering like the plague that it was.
The fear of being ripped away from someone that she cares for.
And maybe that’s why she’s afraid to have her heart broken all over again.
Yet her duty as a popstar required her to keep up, to stay present, to stay connected to everyone and everything that demands her attention most days of the week.
On the other hand, when she wants to retreat. She wanted to retreat to the doom and gloom of her room. IIsolating for long periods of time, however, would send warning signals to everyone in the house and she didn’t know if she could handle the bleeding eyes of concern. The podlings that float on her shoulders would chirp warningly as her irritation, despair and neediness grew. Almost pleading for Kai’Sa to do something about it.
But there was nothing she could do right now.
No one was home.
Seraphine and Bao had gone off to spend some time with the Star Guardian troupe.
Akali and Evelynn were currently sucking face – Kai’Sa frowned – she shouldn’t sound so bitter about it. They were allowed to be happy. Especially Evelynn.
“A paradox isn’t it?” She muttered to herself, as she drank her gin. Her nose wrinkled, not liking the taste. Why did she even bother pouring a glass? She doesn’t drink.
With a heavy sigh, she poured the rest of the contents down the drain and turned on the kettle to put on a cup of tea.
Her nerves were frayed.
Maybe all these thoughts were coming to her mind because she’s missing the one person that could make it all better. She learned to cope, to manage her inner and at times childish need to be hugged, comforted and cherished above all else – and still she managed to let one more person into her heart.
Kim Ahri.
Ahri had spent her time giving Kai’Sa what she thinks is love. But she wasn’t sure. If she had spent more time unpacking all these complicated feelings maybe she would know.
Ahri always held her pinky whenever they walked together down the streets. Ahri always hyped her up when she knew that her own fan base was smaller than everyone else’s. Ahri always volunteered to be her dance partner when making a new choreographer.
That…was love wasn’t it?
Every fleeting moment with the gumiho made her heart do backflips. And at the same time squeezed it so tightly until she doubled over in the dark.
Her hands gripped the counter top tightly to steady herself. Kai’Sa couldn’t bring herself to make dinner for herself.
“How lamentable,” she muttered to herself bitterly. “Get it together Kai’Sa!”
“I’m home!”
Kai’Sa whirled around to see Ahri look at her with soft eyes. Her own purple eyes tinged with unshed tears.
“Ahri…”
Her words were heavy against her tongue. She hated how listless her words sounded.
“I missed you, so I came home early.”
Her podlings worked double time to show their relief and glee that their favorite playmate had returned home safe and sound. They spun and twirled, their chirps turned into little songs like windchimes – something that Ahri always swooned over.
If only she had the mental energy to match their happiness.
Ahri raised her left hand to reveal that she had brought home something. There was the scent of mixed spicy, cardamom and star anise. It smelled heavenly and with it Kai’Sa’s mood improved instantaneously. Food – the easiest way to Kai’Sa’s heart. Pleased at Kai’Sa’s brightening eyes, Ahri quickly went to work to gather plates and utensils so that they could eat.
“I brought home food, am I forgiven?” She teased, her voice trailing off in a sing-song tone. “Sooyoung was so nice to give an extra bowl of tteokbokki also.”
Kai’Sa’s brows furrowed, her mind failing to catch up.
“I was going…” Her lips fumbled, “I was going to cook…when you got home.”
Ahri shook her head, “Let me take care of food this one time. And it’s your favourite~”
“But – “
“I love you Kai’Sa, I want to spoil you.”
Kai’Sa heart thundered in her chest, a tightness crawling from the pit of her stomach to her throat “...You love me?”
She hated that this was the one time Ahri was taking longer to respond – it was killing her. Ahri stood and walked to her side of the table, slipping easily into her lap. On cue, Kai’Sa’s hand reached for her waist – reflexive, gentle and loving.
Oh how she was falling apart, barely keeping herself from squeezing too tightly.
A finger tipped her chin and violet eyes fearfully locked onto bright amber.
“I love you. You’re not dreaming. I’m here.”
A sob tore from her throat and Kai’Sa was undone.
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