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There is a term for these kind of people who poison your thoughts, make your body ill and cause aches you never had. They are toxic.
Relating, trying to connect with them is toxic. Unknowingly they pollute and kill whatever is around, because they cannot be happy, because they cannot leave their own lie.
And you fall for their trap, and then fall sick.
Never goodwill and sympathy had been that dangerous. And towards someone so unseemingly dangerous.
For the longest time, that was how the relationship with Yuuri was.
Of course, you know Yuuri was not doing this willingly. He probably was not even aware of what he was causing around. But you suspect he may have been aware of the lie he was living in. And even then there was no way you could tell him.
For the longest time you wondered if breaking that lie would break his world. His mind. If he’d become empty, or worse. If he’d become… resentful. If he’d become something he was not, someone else entirely. If you’d lose him to the regrets, the pity, the pain. If that could lead to the original Yuuri to disappear. That made you wonder if something like that had happened before.
Now you have a strange calmness at the thought such never happened. That you did not cause your friend more suffering. Because whenever you remember those fears, your mind quickly travels towards Serizawa, but the thought disappears just as quickly for all the pain it causes, for all the pain he caused.
It is true; there are toxic people, and they can pollute you, and poison your thoughts. They can kill what is around you, all you love, all you knew you loved, and when you want to realize it, it might be too late. Memories of Mitsumi Haku and Kaidou Eiri come with that thought. Even now Serizawa’s memory will always lead to destruction. A toxic person killing everything around himself. Even what he loved one day.
If a person could become such thing too because of pain, for revenge, if there is a chance of a person becoming insane like this… you’d have rather Yuuri kept living in his world. Didn’t you.
(Luckily that never happened.)
And yet. You still go back to the though -it haunts you even now- that there must have been a way for you to help him back on those days. Save him from his pain, from his guilt ridden thoughts and regrets. Inwardly you already knew the answer he found; Yuuri found his own way to deal with his feelings. In exchange for a life, he was living in a bubble. In an irreal world. In a memory.
Of course, that world was created to avoid his own feelings destroying him, killing him.
You wonder even now if Yuuri knew about what he was doing at that time. If instead of trying to save himself what he created was not a sick and twisted way to punish himself; remembering his brother constantly, as if he was alive. And you were sure that even in his delusion he knew about that lie… and that no matter how much he tried to prolong it, it would not last long. And once it shattered, Yuuri would fall into misery. Into despair. Into guilt and regret and probably become a shell. If he was lucky -no, if you were lucky- he’d not have become Serizawa. A precedent always causes more fear. But you were lucky -Yuuri was lucky.
You remember clearly how it was before joining Sakura; Yuuri was to you like a porcelain figure you were too scared to touch. You couldn’t handle him, you were too aware. So every word you exchanged with him never came naturally but meassured. And you are sure Yuuri noticed, at that time. That you tried as much as you could to keep him sane in his insanity. To keep him alive though he felt dead. To keep him with you, even though he no longer existed as the Yuuri you knew.
It’s heartbreaking how much death of a loved one can turn upsidedown a person’s world. Even now it still hurts to think you could not help him at that time.
You were too scared to try; because you felt too much for him, his guilt and regret, and you feared too much for him. To go astray. To change, even more. You were too afraid you could not help him, no matter what you felt and how much you loved him.
Fear paralyzed you, and all the chances you had to help him. To even try.
Because when you are too involved you cannot pull from another without being pulled into their world.
Sometimes love is a dangerous two sided weapon. The fear to hurt someone can lead to hurt them more. To hurt yourself. To both of you living a lie for the sake of the person you love. To insanity, because living a lie is never sane.
That may have been the case once, though. That may have been why you thought you were not right for each other, even though you cared too much to leave him alone. That may have been why you felt a strange sense of relief and guilt at the same time when you were not paired first as messiahs with him. Even though you cherish him. Even though you want nothing but happiness for him. After all the time you spent together, doubts consumed you to the point you thought maybe you were the one contributing to the poison. That maybe you were sharing the toxicity, feeding on it, licking wounds. That’s why you almost gave up on being the one to save him. But you wanted to. And even though now you see being appart helped him, you can’t help but feel jealous of his first messiah. Of the person who, unknowingly helped him out of his shell. Because he wasn’t poisoned by fears as you were.
What Yuuri needed, now you see, was the fresh air only a person not involved in his past could provide. And for that you’d always be thankful to his former Messiah.
And now is your turn. From now on, all it takes is to support each other. The hardest part could come now, anyday from now on. You wish Yuuri has overcome worst, but you are now prepared to help him should anything happen. Because now you understand that fear leads nowhere. Because you owe him, and yourself.
After all, that’s what a Messiah is for.